Gawker: horrible things

Cowbeast of Death Is Latest Unskinned Monster to Wash Ashore

Foster Kamer — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 12:45:00 EDT

A young gentleman on Twitter asks, "I found the new montauk monster. Gawker, where you at???" Well, we're right here, young "hellatightshit." And what is it you have for your friends at Gawker Monster Investigations? UPDATE! He's named!

EEEE!! What the fuck is that thing? Email me, please, so for the sake of science, we can understand the slaughtered beast that lay in front of us. Also, naming suggestions, please.

PREVIOUSLY: The Panama Gollum!

BEFORE THAT: The Southhold Something Creature!

AND EVEN BEFORE THAT SOUTHOLD CREATURE: The Spotted Taunting Toronto Doe Thing!

AND WAY BEFORE THAT, LIKE, WAY BEFORE THAT TORONTO THING: The Lime-Soaked Limey!

AND HOW ABOUT The Russian Monster, Where In Soviet Russia, Monster Blog About You!

AND THEN THERE WAS THE Monster Who Is Not So Much A Monster As It Is A Four-Earred Kitty!

THE ORIGINAL GANGSTER: Him.

Update: Let's get to know Carmello the Cowbeast—which I've decided to name him, just because—a little better.

EWWWWW. Our monster-spotter, Evan, notes:

I met this deceased beast at 6am this morning in Carmel, CA [Ed. Hence, his name]. His face looked pretty gnar, and there was still fresh blood around the nose that was getting sucked back out to sea by the waves. Crazy right? Ugly little fella. Mezoloic era, if I'd have to guess. People and dogs were ignoring it like it wasn't even there -but I can assure you- it was.

Cheers,
Evan

Gnar, indeed. Evan, Gawker Monster Investigations thanks you for your hard work and commitment to the cause. We will continue to seek out the truth regarding washed-up monsters, both of the figurative and literal kind, for as long as we possibly can. The truth is out there.

VH1 Hepatitis Bus Could Soon Be Chugging Into Your Town

Richard Lawson — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:32:00 EDT

Rock of Love, in which former Poison something-or-other Bret Michaels tries to find the love of his life among a bevy of obliterated old groupies, may be our most winningly repulsive reality show. And that's saying a lot, considering it's on VH1 which is also host to the grim parasite that is I Love Money. But the problem is that it's always been in Los Angeles—we'd have to send our blinded-by-bathtub-moonshine sisters and daughters (and wives) hobbling all the way across the country if we wanted to vicariously taste the salty-sweet thrills of the Bret Michaels Experience ("face time!") But, now, no longer!

The next season will send Bret and his ladies hurtling across this great nation of ours in a tour bus, while he rocks out with his melted pencil eraser cock out. And they're casting in New York and Hoboken (founded, five hundred years ago, by hobo Ken.) The cattle call is below. I urge you to audition ladies. Your lives and livers will be forever changed.

Dead Monster Washes Ashore in Montauk

Richard Lawson — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 13:34:00 EDT

No, Lizzie Grubman's still alive. This is an actual monster, some sort of rodent-like creature with a dinosaur beak. A tipster says that there is "a government animal testing facility very close by in Long Island," but unless the government is trying to design horrible Montauk monsters that will eat IEDs and fart fire at bad Iraqis, we're not sure why they would create such an unthinkable beast. Our guess is that it's viral marketing for something. Ali Lohan's new album perhaps. Click thru for larger dino-damage.

Here's Your Happy Story For the Day!

Richard Lawson — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 13:17:00 EDT

Oh great. Adorable puppy kills adorable baby.