Don't ask, don't look

In this town, gay rights trump religious and aesthetic sensitivities every time...
Next time, pal, don't look. It's safer.

Look on the bright side, gay liberals: The New York Post is finally standing up for the rights of Muslims! The right to discriminate against you, specifically. Baby steps.

And what about this dude's right to fuck horses without being sentenced to three years in jail, Andrea? It was a female horse!
[Pic via]

When Jared Kushner isn't busy firing some of the city's best reporters, insulting the remains of his staff, or taking the "sloppy seconds" approach to venture capitalism, he might be too busy to seek help in one of the New York Observer's more neglected blind spots: Equine Relations.

Lo and behold, then, the Heroic Destiny Squad, who thinks they (or he) can be part of a symbiotic relationship with the Observer regarding the salvation of the horses who escort tourists through Central Park on buggy rides. And also, because Kushner's a Jew, he already works for this dude. Your front-running nominee for Totally Batshit Correspondence of the Year, we present: the New York Observer's Crazy Horse Guy.

From: Justin Massler
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:45:11 -0400
Subject: Important Message for All New York Observer Reporters

Good day reporters of The New York Observer, would anyone like to help save horses on this fine summer day?

I will explain the situation I am writing in regards to.

As some of you may know, many horses are currently imprisoned as slaves being forced to pull carriages in Central Park for the amusement of tourists.

My name is Justin Massler and recently I was appointed by Angels to be the King of the Jews in the tradition of previous Kings such as Moses, David, Solomon, and Jesus.

I have been ordered by the God of the Jews to free the horses who are enslaved as carriage pullers in Central Park for the purposes of restoring freedom to the lands, much like how Moses himself had to free the Jews from their enslavement in Egypt so many years ago.

I have decided to commandeer The New York Observer for this purpose which I can do since it's owned by Jared Kushner who is a Jew and therefore one of my subjects which makes his properties subject to emergency commandeering if it is deemed necessary for Divine Purposes.

Anyways, does anyone want to help with this cool elite mission of animal rights heroism? We can use The Observer to launch a propaganda campaign to ban horse carriages and influence public opinion against this unjust practice.

I am therefore recruiting reporters from this paper to take part in this noble cause.

The website of my hero team is http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/ so you can see that I'm legitimate and not just making this stuff up.

Hopefully someone will respond to this in a positive manner and I won't just be ignored by every single person like has happened to me before in the past which is a depressing thing to have happen, but I suppose such are the trials heroes such as myself must endure in our quest for justice at any cost.

Sincerely,

Justin Massler

President of Heroic Destiny Squad

http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/

P.S.

Also, does anyone know Jared Kushner's phone number or personal e-mail address? Or better yet, does anyone know where he hangs out?

I figure since he's the owner of The Observer I can commandeer it more quickly if I just get Kushner to agree to this plot himself.

I tried sending him a message before but I think he's trying to avoid me even though I'm his King which is like how sometimes kids try to hide from their parents. Is it true he lives at 21 Astor Place above the Starbucks? If so I can just try to find him at his house and talk some sense into him.

If anyone can give me any info on where this guy can be found it would be much appreciated.

Cheerio.

He is legitimate and not making this stuff up. Moses sent him! Or something.

He is also scary and possibly insane, and this is the kind of stuff we get routinely, too! Good to know all publications of all stripes can still find common ground in the batshit people who take time to write them this kind of stuff.

Our story begins behind a fence. You see, pop stars have to build up walls, to keep out the world — fame is a cage, really. These three hardened, sharpened points represent the past, present, and the future.

You may think this statue means the car has arrived at a polo club. But the horse is a symbol of the yearning to be free. Native Americans equated horses with spirit winds and messengers. Horses also stand for strength and hard work. Hello? Britney works hard for the money, so you better treat her right!

Product placement.

Our heroine emerges. No one greets her.

The choice to shoot Britney framed by the crotch of a horse is to remind us that she is a mere human, a small person on a large planet; fragile. Also: Thin, now.

Product placement.

Our heroine has magically changed clothes. She descends a staircase — goes down the rabbit hole, if you will, deep into her subconscious. There's a light on. And a package with some balls. You do the math.

She peeks around the corner.

A man is finishing getting dressed, which means we — er — she just missed him bare-chested. Damn.

Like many men who exist only in one's subconscious, he remains faceless. Also, there are no razors in the subconscious.

Suddenly, the man is astride a muscular steed, brandishing a polo mallet. Note the number 3 — the most mystical number. Three is the first odd prime number, and there are three types of molecular bonds. There were three witches in Macbeth; Adolf Hitler's Empire was the 3rd Reich; shamrocks have three leaves; three little bears, three billy goats gruff, you always get three wishes and there's a Christian Holy Trinity. Britney Spears is only female artist in music history to have her first three albums debut at number one. She married her first husband, Jason Alexander, on January 3. She got engaged to Kevin Federline three months after they met. The book Britney wrote with her mom, Britney Spears's Heart to Heart, was printed by Three Rivers Press.

Shakespeare often made puns about riding — meaning sex. Some believe that when a young woman gets really into horseback riding, she is channeling her sexual urges.

In any case, Britney has changed her ensemble again, so she can watch the action. Note how she wears all black, to signify how deep and dark she is; the white room reminds you: None of this is really happening.

She looks out on the cold, isolated landscape to find her Faceless Man; and the sexy freedom of him straddling a horse. Somehow you can tell that she thinks he holds all the answers, all the keys to the mysteries she can't solve.

But he's just playing with his balls.

It's disappointing, to say the least. This is her subconscious fantasy, dammit!

Product placement.

Product placement. And proof of empty uterus: At least she didn't have unprotected sex with the guy. Also: Thin!

…And: Scene.

Rowe, who just a few days ago was hinting that she might fight for custody of the children she bore for Jackson, spilled the beans to trashy British tabloid News of the World.

"I was just the vessel. It wasn't Michael's sperm," Rowe told News of the World.

"I got paid for it, and I've moved on. I know I will never see my children again."

Rowe revealed she and the Thriller singer never had sex and did not share a bed during their three year marriage, describing the union only as a friendship.

"I offered him my womb...it was a gift. It was something I did to keep him happy."

No longer bound by a legal agreement following Jackson's death, Rowe has revealed Jackson had nothing to do with her babies' births.

"I went to the 'office', which is what we called the medical clinic. They impregnated me. It's just like I impregnate my mares for breeding. It was very technical," she said.

"Just like I stick the sperm up my horse, this is what they did to me. I was his thoroughbred."

Rowe also said that Jackson's third child, Prince Michael II, was also conceived through artificial insemination by an anonymous sperm donor with an unknown surrogate paid to carry the child.

Remember the other day when we mentioned that Jackson's death eliminating the threat of libel lawsuits would get all sorts of people selling stories to the tabloids? He's not even in the ground yet and it's already started.

Michael Jackson's Children Not His [Brisbane Times]

Hunter's father, James D. Druck, a successful Ocala lawyer representing insurance companies during the 1980s, was implicated in a scam that involved a local man, Tommy "The Sandman" Burns, who electrocuted horses for their owners to collect the insurance money. One of Burns' first victims was the show horse Lisa Druck rode, Henry the Hawk.

That's right: Rielle Hunter's own father hired a man to electrocute his own daughter's horse "using a stripped extension cord and a wall socket." The horse killer eventually went to jail, but Hunter herself was doubtless haunted with lifelong dreams of her noble steed, Henry the Hawk, meeting his death at the hands of a live wire.

So what effect might long-term dreaming about horses have on a woman's personality? Let's consult a new-age dream symbolism guide for the answer!

HORSES : Horses have for a long time been associated with passion and excitement... Horses then tend to link to the general excitement and the level of risk in our lives. They may also refer to some upcoming event which involves excitement and risk.

KEY WORDS : Exciting, passionate, exhilarating, reckless, unpredictable

And there you have it. Without a scam to bilk horse insurance companies in rural Florida two decades ago, Hillary Clinton would be our next president.

[Ocala Star-Banner]

While consumers have debated the merits of Anheuser's beers, not many have questioned the brewer's marketing skills. The "king of beers" has a long history of memorable advertising, including its iconic Clydesdales, Louie the Lizard, and party dog Spuds MacKenzie. Much of its advertising has been intertwined with pop culture, from the "Whassup" craze to "Dude," the brewer's newest catchphrase.

Every time I hear "Dude," I think of America.

Experts say InBev will likely cut ad spending and use the savings to fight its competitors with price cuts — the polar-opposite approach to Anheuser's. "The money InBev will spend will be on discounting and price wars, something that AB built its empire to avoid," says Bevmark's Mr. Pirko.

Goodbye, old friend!

[WSJ]

The deal was ironed out yesterday, but Hooters would not reveal how much it paid for the rights. Hooters said the owners and the jockey approved the deal.

"We have a great relationship with UPS, but Hooters has a great plan to have 450 of their restaurants doing a Big Brown day," Wietsma said.

Hooters is also going to slap its logo on the jockey's legs, and, if Big Brown wins, he will "be greeted by busty Hooters girls in tightfitting T-shirts."

Stay classy, rich people.

[NYDN]

"Well, Bob, what a great day for the commonwealth of Kentucky and the world. On behalf of Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, KFC, Long John Silver's and A&W, Yum Brands is the proud sponsor of the greatest event in the world. Thank you very much," he said, ticking off Yum's brand names.

By the time Mr. Novak spoke, though, bloggers, reporters and NBC itself were already telling of the collapse of Eight Belles, who broke down after finishing second and was euthanized.

Online commenters pilloried Yum for its seeming insensitivity.

"Based on the YUM reps' disgraceful smiling and product plugging — while Eight Belles was dying yards away from them — I'll never buy ANY of their products again," wrote one.

"I'm happy that the CEO of Yum is just smiling and not even caring that a horse was just killed on the track," wrote another.

[NYT]

(Sorry.)

Back here in the US, bans on horse slaughter in the last states still practicing that gruesome deed were upheld by multiple court decisions. Which means now we just auction them to Canada and Mexico, where they may be killed in even more painful and cruel ways (the ones that aren't sold are just shot by their owners).

Oh, and "Vienna's renowned Spanish Riding School—famed for its white Lipizzaner stallions and their elegant strutting and sprightly dancing—is on the verge of bankruptcy, officials warned Friday."

It's really a bad day to be an 11-year-old girl.

Famed Vienna Stables Nearly Bankrupt [NYT]
Horses Spared in U.S. Face Death Across the Border [NYT]
Man charged as 111 surviving animals moved [Guardian]

This is where all little uptown girls learn how to ride and where their mothers' hair turns grey to the naked eye as their little princesses get bucked off. They also rent horses by the hour to ride in Central Park. Who is going to use the Bridle paths in Central Park now? Will Bloomberg's daughter rent her horses out for canters through the park?