How to Do Celebrity Journalism Good
Imagine that you are a journalist, tasked with crafting a true, powerful, and insightful piece of writing about a well known celebrity that can puncture their veil of false mystique. Here is how it’s done.
How to Find a Beeping Smoke Detector If You Don’t Know Where It Is
If you’re reading this article, you’re probably frustrated by the fact that, somewhere in your house or apartment, a smoke alarm with a dying battery is beeping, and beeping, and beeping—usually once every 60 seconds—but you cannot figure out where the alarm is located. The following solution to this problem will…
A Congressman's Step-By-Step Guide to the Perfect Terrorist Hoax
Yesterday, every school in Los Angeles was closed after the city received an emailed threat of a terrorist attack. Later in the day, the city of New York revealed that it too had received a “similar” email, but did not deem it “credible,” which necessitated that officials in L.A. explain why they decided to abruptly…
EMERGENCY ALERT: This Is How to Turn Off Your Phone's Emergency Alerts
Last night, around 4 a.m., a freight train carrying screaming sirens and old dial-up modem sounds crashed through my room. It was a government-issued FLASH FLOOD WARNING, sent express delivery from the darkest depths of Hell directly to my cellphone. Was it even raining when I received the urgent message? Who knows.…
How To Make Thanksgiving For One When You're Stranded by the Storm
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and the U.S. is barreling down on it like a salt-stained maroon Subaru Forester hydroplaning uncontrollably toward a utility pole on one of our nation's many fine turnpikes. That's because the country is currently being savagely walloped by what one can only assume are Storms of…
How To Build a Shotgun Using Items Found After Airport Security
"If we're trying stop a terrorist threat at the airport, it's already too late," amateur "security researcher" Evan Booth tells FastCompany.
'How to Fight a Baby' Turns Baby Fighting Into Child's Play
Self-defense and baby discipline expert Gavin McInnes puts his hands together to produce the only baby self-defense video you'll ever need to see: How to Fight a Baby.
There's Something Oddly Satisfying About Watching This Guy Kill Pumpkins
It's that time of the year again when we set a pumpkin on the dinner table and gather around with knives and hammers and ice picks in hand to watch YouTuber hickok45 demonstrate the latest foolproof methods for sending that foul gourd straight to Hell.
How to Have Sex at Yale
Yale University, America's sex palace, has issued a memo that attempts to clarify what constitutes "consensual" and "nonconsensual" sex. Immature readers may find this memo's hypothetical scenarios "hilarious," or even "ROFLMAO." Allow us to make things more clear.
How to Teach Your Kids About Money
The youth of America are plagued by shocking financial illiteracy. Most can't balance a checkbook, much less invest wisely. With our apologies to the Wall Street Journal, we present to you a realistic plan for teaching your kids about money matters.
The Ten Worst People on the Subway
It's hot. The subways are crowded. People are peevish, sweating, and on edge. At times like this— when the social fabric of the city seems to hang by the thinnest of threads—it's important to relax, take a deep breath, and contemplate exactly who you hate in this godforsaken underground tunnel maze, and why.
How to Buy Dinner for a Restaurant Full of Strangers
The 84-year-old line cutter who was recently rewarded for jumping the queue at Publix with the largest single jackpot in American lottery history ($370.8 million), may have bought dinner for a restaurant full of strangers over the weekend. She also may have continued hoarding the millions all to herself, not givin'…
Please, Walk Down the Escalator
Let's just say for argument's sake that you enter a New York City subway station and step onto an escalator that's headed down towards the train tracks. At that moment, you must choose one of two clear courses of action: walk down the escalator, or stand still. Put more precisely, you can either walk down the…
Snow Clearing 'Idiot' Falls Off Roof, Makes Once-In-A-Lifetime Save
A Slovenian man attempting to show his buddies how to properly clear snow off a roof treated them instead to a potentially tragic demonstration of how to improperly clear snow off the roof — before unexpectedly turning the whole thing into a professional tutorial on how to properly clear snow off a roof when you're…
How to Talk to a Female Journalist
Working in journalism is, like life, harder for women than it is for men, what with the patriarchy and all. This point was driven home this week by Marin Cogan's New Republic story on the various sexual harassment-themed indignities of being a female reporter in Washington, and by the "Said to Lady Journos" Tumblr,…
How to Make a Snow Cone
As the Northeast braces for the storm of the century of the week, her citizens have turned into a population of old tabby house cats, arranging their nests as they prepare to die. In their desperate need to shop for anything, people have even cleared out the bad ice cream flavors from the grocery store shelves.
The First and Last Cat Training Video You'll Ever Need to See
Welcome to How To Discipline Your Cat 101.
How to Use Humor on the Internet
This week, internet website "The Awl" sparked a minor uproar when it ran an article parodying the voice of Business Insider's Henry Blodget under Blodget's byline—when, in fact, the article was written by someone at The Awl, as a parody. It's not hard to see the potential for confusion. How is the average reader…
