Klein donned his very best sequin-enhanced suit for a 96-minute interview with TMZ last night. "I've flown to Tokyo to see a patient. I've flown to the Middle East to see patients, where Jews shouldn't go," he explained. He's treated Charlie's Angels and moguls' wives. He's treated famous singers.

Famous people are not like the rest of us. For one thing, they trust men like this with their corporeal well-being. But they have other peculiar practices, too, which Dr. Klein was only too happy to outline. Here are a few:

• If at first their faces don't succeed, they try, try again. When Klein last saw Jacko, he looked like crap, so "I rebuilt his face." It was so far gone "we blew it up" and started with a fresh slate. "That's why I rebuilt his nose. His nose looked perfectly normal [after he fixed it, in This Is It], right? Michael Jackson looked like a nose ... It's not like rebuilding Babylon, but you have to do a lot of work to do this."
• 
  
• They like to pee in eccentric places. Asked how Jackson's alleged 1993 molestation victim was able to describe "in great details discolorations and markings in Michael Jackon's genitals," Klein doesn't miss a beat, first suggesting that the child had "studied the penis like studying a map," then offers an reasonable explanation for how the study session came about in the first place: "He pees in cups. I guess he was raised in a situation where they peed in a cups. I know a very famous country singer who pees in bed because it was the only way to keep herself warm in bed in the country."
• 
  
• They do not get addicted to crystal meth. Meth, Dr. Klein explains, is physically not addictive. "I could give Michael meth." He had a long line of reasoning for this, which involved asking for a show of hands of who, on TMZ's set, had ever had tried crystal meth. Unfortunately, nobody raised their hands, so I guess we'll never know the secret to non-addictive methamphetamine, now.
• 
  
• They get creative with skincare. Jacko had very bad acne. "Do you know how much acne he had?" Klein asks, full of indignation. "He wouldn't go to school. ... He used to love to go and scrub his face with Brillo. He thought it would cure his acne."
• 
  
• They find Prince rather boring. Bad was supposed to be an M.J.-Prince duet, Klein says. But it fell through when Prince showed up at Jacko's house and wouldn't shut up. Guy just talked and talked and talked and then, when he finally left, Jacko didn't bother calling him back and the two-man version of the song never happened.

Can someone explain Emma Roberts to me? She starred in the failed Nancy Drew movie and in a film about a mermaid alongside something called JoJo (not a monkey.) And yet, everyone keeps hooting and hollering about how she's going to be the next movie star to eat the planet. She must have the best PR people in the business.

Another misstep is the inclusion of Christopher Mintz-Plasse, the squiggly McLovin' nerd from the bawdy teen sex fest Superbad. Sure his character was funny in the movie, but the kid wasn't really acting. He's kinda like Michael Cera—awkward in real life and on screen—in that he's probably not really acting. Mintz-Plasse is a one trick pony, and once everyone wises up and stops casting the abominable Jon Heder in movies, they'll get rid of ol' McLovin' too.

So yeah, look at the article and ogle the pretty pictures. Youth certainly fades, but maybe these photos won't, as long as they kick around the internet. Hopefully these colts will be able to look at these photos many, many years from now and smile and wistfully remember a time when the world patted their heads and, however briefly, told them they were special.

Oh, and thanks for the Gawker shout-out, VF! "Celebrity garbage-disposal unit," eh? Hell, we'll take it.