From an email to us, from Morgan:

The idea that I'm trying to get back some job I held years ago—which doesn't even exist anymore—is hilarious. I realize this makes me sound like a self-righteous twat, but where do you come up with this nonsense?

Oh, come now: Your Tabloid Wars days were recent enough for you to realize 1> we were Just Asking, a perfect, impenetrable legal and ethical defense for all forms of salacious gossip, always, and 2> we can't tell you that, although we did drop a hint in the original item.

I suppose it's too much to ask that you try and verify it before posting it for eternity on the internets.

Well, we don't make it to Beatrice much, but at least we have your GMail address now. That's a start!

Hopefully for Morgan, he didn't burn as many Daily News colleagues on his way out the door as we've been told, because he must now further humiliate himself before his ex-coworkers. One might imagine that difficult for a man known for blinding fashion choices, implausible gangster impersonation and being dumped by a 17-year-old lover.

But it's possible. Some of Morgan's former enemies — the onetime Tabloid Wars star made plenty — cackle that he's now "begging" to return to the Daily News. Morgan is trying to sell a script; in the meantime, his sugary cocktails aren't going to pay for themselves.

Lloyd Grove's former manservant should be careful what he asks for: The last time Morgan hit the News up for a new gig — a transfer from gossip to features, supposedly — he ended up covering prostate exams for senior citizens in Queens.

Because the brawling former Men's Vogue editor (and Leven Rambin dater) has submitted, along with his old coworker Michael Mraz, a pitch letter for just such a film. I guess they came up with the idea while out of work after MV folded in October.

It's about a Phelpsian character who, unlike that dolphin of the deep, doesn't get off so easy after getting caught up in a drug scandal. His swimming career in tatters, he becomes a local lifeguard. New York has gotten a hold of the pitch:

What if Michael Phelps' punishment for being caught with the smoking bong was a summer sentence as a lifeguard at a water park? Tyler Hartwell is about to find out. When America's up-and-coming swimming phenom falsely tests positive for steroids on the eve of his biggest race ever, he loses everything, including his agent, girlfriend, and sponsors - and is forced to spend an endless SoCal summer lifeguarding at Wet Dreams Water Park: The Wettest Place on Earth.

The pair go on to describe the film as a "cannonball of comedy" (in that it painfully blows your head off?), full of romance and intrigue and lots of jokes about people cumming in their pants in the still of the night. This can't possibly be the only Phelps/Weedgate script in the works, can it?

If you or anyone you know is also working on one, let us know.

Or so it would seem, judging from the outfit the catty slapfighter wore to a New York Public Library benefit Monday night in November. "Disco Party" or not, the lime-green trousers and sockless slippers (see lower photo) would seem to signal a clean break from the Condé Nast magazine's sensibilities (and closet).

Then again, you could spill several apple martinis on those pants and no one would ever know the difference. For Morgan, that would have been the clincher.

(Photos via nypl.org)

But between mentions of a modelizing Leonardo DiCaprio, a sweaty Doutzen Kroes and Jay-Z's $100 bills, a reader may start to wonder if Morgan's marquee party boys aren't getting a bit long in the tooth. P. Diddy, for example, is 39; Venture capitalist Vivi Nevo, 43; supermarket billionaire Ron Burkle, 56. They're the "old guy in the club," as comedian Chris Rock has it. Then again, pray they never grow up: They're probably keeping the club in business.

Morgan's article/

[Now in convenient link form!]

1. The New (New) Bohemian

Core Members: Tara Subkoff, Arden Wohl, Leigh Lezark, Stella Schnabel, Waris Ahluwalia, Chiara Clemente, Leelee Sobieski
Style.com says: With their creative-class roots and Opening Ceremony duds, these free-spirit types are giving the anemic benefit circuit a badly needed shot in the arm. Find them anywhere "It" is at—from fancy galas to the smoky back room at the Beatrice. Suggested conversation starters? Indie filmmaking, whatever patron saint Chloë Sevigny is up to now, headbands.
Absurd quote: "We're always looking for answers. Some people are looking for it in a socialite maybe. But you know, it just depresses me: Some girl named Peaches who lives in the Bronx…looks at this world and says, 'Oh wow.' And I would never want to give off something that is an illusion, because you hurt people that way. And they're already struggling so much—the people." —Arden Wohl
We say: If these people are bohemians, then we're a goddamn mango. There's nothing free-spirited about putting on a $4,000 dress you didn't pay for and then hitting a $10,000-a-plate dinner (which you also didn't pay for), even if you follow it up with a night of indoor smoking at "The Bee." Anybody who uses "headbands" as a conversation starter should be punched in the face immediately, and have their headband stolen so they no longer have anything to talk about.

2. The European Union

Core Members: Vladimir Roitfeld, Julia Restoin-Roitfeld, Tatiana Santo Domingo, Margherita Missoni, Stavros Niarchos, Andrea Casiraghi
Style.com says: What do young moneyed Euros do in New York? Stick together. More cliquish than seventh-grade girls, this group's regular haunts include Cipriani, Da Silvano, and anywhere else that can charge $35 for a plate of pasta and keep a straight face. They also congregate at the Washington Square Park town house of longtime couple Tatiana Santo Domingo (the Colombian beer heiress) and Andrea Casiraghi (Princess Caroline of Monaco and Hanover's son). Margherita Missoni, who dates Casiraghi's stepbrother, Ernst of Hanover, is arguably the most outgoing of the bunch (and the most liable to mingle with the other social groups). But Stavros Niarchos, who's reportedly romanced Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, has his own unique way of sampling American culture.
Absurd quote: "I've been in New York for four years now, and I feel that I have done it. It's a place where you can be busy all the time without ever doing anything." — Margherita Missoni.
We say: Busy all the time without doing anything? They could have a career in blogging — if they had careers. Apparently, one of the E.U.'s favorite "hotspots" is the British Airways' entertainment space at JFK, which pipes in the scent of freshly cut grass (you can't have them breathing QUEENS AIR, after all). Also, Stavros Niarchos? Bring your Valtrex prescription!

3. The Swans 2.0

Core Members: Amanda Hearst, Tinsley Mortimer, Fabiola Beracasa, Lauren Santo Domingo, Zani Gugelmann, Claire Bernard
Style.com says: This group is a closed set. Olivia Palermo, for example, has yet to recover from last spring's misstep—you know, when the now-defunct Web site Socialiterank.com published a letter that Palermo supposedly penned, apologizing for her status-seeking ways. It's still unclear if the missive was a hoax or an honest plea, but, no matter, it fell on deaf ears. Palermo's persistence has kept her at some of the parties, but not all the right ones. If you're not in the club yet, you probably won't be. Meanwhile, these socials—now inching into their thirties—can do no wrong. Tinsley Mortimer made a questionable move, posing for the cover of the New York Post's weekend glossy, Page Six Magazine, and no one blinked a false eyelash.
Absurd quote: "Paris Hilton brought to light the existence of the socialite to Middle America and the world. Before, it was either models or actresses—but socialites were, most times, born into this lifestyle. That's what fascinates people. It's a continuous lifestyle that people are fascinated by. But it's not all the media's fault. You know, it's us posing for the cameras and going out and exploiting the spotlight for our careers." —Fabiola Beracasa
We say: Olivia dodged a bullet, wethinks. Actually plenty of people blinked (and cringed and shuddered) at Tinsley's neurotic, self-consumed weight loss confessional. Also, no one really became "fascinated" with Paris until she started getting naked. Pretty much no one in Middle America has ever heard of Zani Gugelmann. In fact, they probably think that's the name of the ring master at Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey's Circus.

4. The Art Stars

Core Members: Dan Colen, Dash Snow, Ryan McGinley, Aaron Young, Nate Lowman, Mirabelle Marden, Melissa Bent, Amy Greenspon
Style.com says: Despite their "whatever, dude" mien, Colen, Snow, and their scruffy tribe of Lost Boys know that a gift for self-promotion is just as important as having a way with a paintbrush. Their biggest sell—apart from their actual art, of course—is their cooler-than-thou posse, of which everyone below 14th Street seems to want to be a part. "You realize that, like, your social context has a lot to do with, like, your success," Colen recently articulated.
Absurd quote: "It's funny to me that Dash [Snow] has become like a rock star, but he's so paranoid. That comes from graffiti culture—like, you want everybody to know who you are and you're going to write your name all over the city, but you can't let anyone know who you really are. It's, like, this idea of being notorious." —Ryan McGinley
We say: Full disclosure: We know next to nothing about art, so we can't even tell you if these dudes actually sell their shit. But everything you need to know can be found in the phrase "cooler-than-thou posse." And a person's popularity (excuse us, their "social context") shouldn't be determined by their success. It should be determined by the quality of their drugs.

5. The Catwalk Queens

Core Members: Lisa Cant, Gemma Ward, Lily Donaldson, Caroline Winberg
Style.com says: The only thing more intimidating than standing next to a model at a party is standing next to four models at a party. Especially when they're all giggling and taking pictures of each other on their camera phones and just generally having a waaay better time then you are. Curious as to how this sorority of gorgeousness operates, we turned to our trusted source on the inside, who gamely broke down the group dynamic: "Lily is the funny one, although Lisa has a good sense of humor, too. Gemma started off timid, because she's a long way from Australia, but is now comfy being a ringleader. And Caroline is just always up for a good time." So there you have it. Oh, and there's this: Aside from Donaldson, who dates Vladimir Roitfeld, everyone's single. Gentlemen, start your engines. (OK, forget it, you have no chance.)
Refreshingly non-absurd quote: "I had come straight from my auntie and uncle's farm, and I was wearing this big gray barn jacket with mud all over it. When the scout came up to me, I said, 'No, thank you.' But my friends were like, 'Hell, yes!' They forged my mum's signature and pushed me in front of the cameras." —Gemma Ward on breaking into modeling
We say: Anyone who's ever stood next to four models at a party and had to duck to avoid their protruding, malnourished sternums knows that it's usually more frightening than intimidating. What looks great in a picture can be kind of horrifying in person.

6. The New Kids on the Blog

Core Members: Leven Rambin, Hud Morgan, Mary Rambin, Julia Allison, Emily Brill, Devorah Rose, Annabel Vartanian, Kristian Laliberte
Style.com says: This year's crop of newbies owes a lot to the gossip bloggers who, under pressure to churn out a certain number of posts a day, are always ready to make a scandal out of a tidbit. Gawker.com's obsessive coverage of Julia Allison (including plenty of bikini shots) heightened the Star magazine editor's profile immeasurably. In case readers are itching to know more, there's always Allison's own navel-gazing site, Itsmejulia.com. In fact, a lot of these kids have turned to the Internet to document the minutiae of their daily life, from party-hopping (Emily Brill's Essentiallyemily.com) to Restylane injections (Mary Rambin's Stylebymaryrambin.com). If Truman Capote, notorious divulger of social secrets, were around today, he'd be out of a job.
Absurd quote: "I want to be New York's answer to Rachel Zoe…. Yeah, Nicole Richie did fire her and called her a bitch, but you know she worked her way up to that. She's one of my idols." —Kristian Laliberte
We say: Oh noes! It's all our fault! At the risk of adding fuel to the fire, we'll just say this: The last time we saw Leven Rambin she was getting her hair did at our salon a few months ago. She texted the entire time. While she was getting her hair washed, some man friend perched on the end of the chair facing her and she had her legs up in the air draped OVER HIS SHOULDERS. Then she ran out on the bill.

He is risen. (The arguing blonde on the right is Ana Rogers, curator for Petra Projects, a tipster informs. The guy in the glasses is David Meyer, "does PR for the Standard hotels I think." Girl on left holding beer cup: Samantha Walsh.)

"Today a note went up on the bulletin board that someone would be hosting a champagne Easter party (go figure) in the courtyard/garden this afternoon. It was signed by Hud Morgan. I thought, "How odd." At three people began to gather, and they are very very loud people, as if each is trying to make sure that whatever he or she is saying is heard by even those speaking more loudly. They are shouting such things as, "Who bothers to learn their doorman's name?!?" Names of film directors are being bandied about, as well as the qualities of extremely rare wool. I half-expect to hear that someone is wearing a scarf made from the lanugo of premature human infants.

My apartment opens directly out into the courtyard/garden, so it's impossible for me to ignore the mayhem. A few minutes ago, no longer able to fight the impulse to see if the host is indeed THE Hud Morgan, the man weakened by Julia Allison's kryptonite, and the bedmate of a high-school student, I walked out on to my own courtyard. I coolly pretended to inspect the headless pigeon recently left there, then looked up long enough to take in the gathering.

How I wish I had a photograph to send you, because the composition alone tells a wonderful story. The guests are all sitting down, and one person is standing: Hud. The guests continue to shout at one another and laugh in ways that would be considered pathological in mental institutions — until Hud begins to speak. But the best part is what he's wearing. He has on a horizontally wide-striped sweater, the stripes being in bright primary colors. It looks like nothing so much as what a closeted gay rower would wear to a Yale football game. But the best part is that he's wearing a white shirt under it with the collar popped. One could weep.

More people are arriving every moment, and my work day is undoubtedly over. I would be resentful, but how can I be angry at people who are undoubtedly celebrating the resurrection of their personal savior, Jesus, by drinking bottle after bottle of champagne?"

Full video:

Emily Brill: Men’s Vogue Editors Say The Darndest Things on Gergory Littley's Voicemail

The scene: last night, around midnight, at the Beatrice Inn, the low-ceilinged West Village bar and nightclub. The characters: Hud Morgan from Men's Vogue, pictured left, and his friend and rival, Spencer Morgan of the once-elite New York Observer. Off-camera: 17-year-old blonde starlet, Leven Rambin, who, incidentally, plays a troubled starlet in tonight's Lipstick Jungle. There's the sound of a slap.

It's not the first time the Men's Vogue writer lost his temper after a long night at the Beatrice. Earlier this month, he berated Julia Allison because the Star magazine talking bosom posted up a picture of herself with a red-scarfed Hud, which ended up on Gawker. He blamed her for pulling him in to her vortex of bad publicity.

But Hud has a vortex all of his own. The bullying of Allison provided a perfect excuse for gossip blogs like this to reveal Hud was dating the "little sister" whom Allison adopted until the 17-year-old actress, Leven Rambin from All My Children, stole her then-boyfriend, libertarian geek Jakob Lodwick. (Confused? There's a diagram).

And about a week ago, we hear, Hud and Spencer had a big argument on the phone. The two Morgans are friends and, yes, they are often mistaken for eachother, because they're in a similar line of work and share the same surname. Spencer Morgan, who recently acquired a fiancee after years as a man-about-town, was in Los Angeles last week for the Oscars. "Did you know that Hud Morgan got engaged?" he was asked. But the two differ in one crucial respect: Hud, for a former gossip columnist for the New York Daily News, has an extremely thin skin.

In the phone conversation, Hud asked Spencer how the engagement was working out. Spencer, having heard about Hud's new girlfriend, 17-year-old Leven Rambin of All My Children, ribbed him about her age. "How old did you say she was?" he asked, or words to that effect. You'd have thought that the polo-player-worshipping fruitini drinker would embrace the proof of his rampant heterosexuality. But no: Hud, embarrassed by the earlier Gawker item on his jailbait girlfriend, said he wanted a timeout on their friendship.

And last night? In a group with Radar's recently liberated Chris Tennant and other journalists, the argument resumed. According to witnesses, the conversation went something like this.

Spencer: "Dude, why didn't you respond to my email?" (He had apologized for the insult to Hud's teen girlfriend.)

Hud: "Do you want me to drop you?"

Spencer: "Yeah, sure. That's a good idea."

Hud walks down the stairs. Spencer follows, bitchslaps him, later telling friends: "He needed a dose of reality."

Hud, to the bouncers: "He punched me! He assaulted me! I want him removed!"

Spencer, explaining the slap: "He wasn't worth a punch."

Bouncers escort Spencer to the side room to the right of the entrance, with the couches. The red handprint on Hud's face gradually fades. Consensus verdict: Spencer's game. Close scene.

• Manhattan media clusterfuck map

I'll be able to talk more about it when the ink is dry. But just picture Tila Tequila's show, but with more herpes (way more) and less morality. :) KIDDING!

Leven gravitates to older friends like boyfriend Hud Morgan of Men's Vogue, ex-boyfriend Jakob Lodwick and the array of names on this handy chart. She also is careful to stay away from other teenagers, since according to her Page Six Magazine column they don't "have anything to talk about" since they don't "get to go to movie premiers and fashion shows and fly out to Los Angeles for movie roles."

So what does Leven do when she gets called out for social climbing?

"You have to be prepared for people to call you a man-eater or a publicity seeker," Rambin said. "I don't understand the perverse fascination with my life".

Don't worry about it, Leven. "Publicity seeker" is just one of those nasty slurs people throw at television stars who cut rap albums and write gossip magazine columns about their fabulous lives. The more you deny wanting attention, the closer you get to becoming the next Lindsay Lohan.

(Photo: WENN)

The recap: Rambin was formerly a Julia Allison friend. Then she hooked up with JA's former boyfriend Jakob Lodwick, and is now dating Men's Vogue writer Hud Morgan, who recently ranted at JA at a party. The sexually ambiguous Morgan, who loves Fruitinis, did not appreciate JA talking about him around town. Probably smart!

The visual: All these connections are explained in a handy chart.

The implications, and questions: Rambin, who was recently proclaimed by Splash News to be the next Paris, Britney, or, most notably, Lindsay, is going to be playing one of her doppelgangers on TV. Is this her formal audition for skank stardom? Is it the first step on the road to nude photo shoots so shocking they save the magazine industry and inspire limericks? Will Rambin become the newest incarnation of Marilyn Monroe, whose sultry image Lohan co-opted in a desperate grab for continued relevance? If so, we will surely be the first ones to tell you.