This year's sales figures for the week that include the Thanksgiving break show that Wicked raked in $2.1 million, the biggest haul of the week. Breaking the $1 million mark were The Lion King ($1.7 million), Billy Elliot ($1.6 million), Jersey Boys ($1.3 million), A Steady Rain ($1.2 million), West Side Story ($1.2 million), Mary Poppins ($1.1 million), Phantom of the Opera ($1 million), and Shrek ($1 million).

A look at last year's numbers shows all of these were the big earners last year as well. The only two new shows at the big kid's table were A Steady Rain which boasts A-list talent Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman (and which every gay man in America has been decreed to go see at full price) and West Side Story, which is, well, West Side Story.

The only shows still running to fall out of the $1 million club are Momma Mia (everyone already saw the movie), seasonal rehash White Christmas (which everyone heard sucks), and In the Heights. What really troubles us is the last show. With the heat from it's Tony cooling and it's average ticket price dropping by more than $10 a ticket, it looks like another original Broadway musical is on the way down. Also underperforming are new original musicals Memphis, Fela!, and Rag Time, and (last season's critics favorite) Next to Normal.

What does that mean for you? Save $100 and just go to the movies. Chances are you can catch something that is going to be on the stage in a year anyway.

[Image via Getty]

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

There's backlash of course. This week programs across the network are creating stories that deal with environmental issues. Sure, the show complied (unplug your chargers and change your lightbulbs—servicey!), but not without biting the hand that feeds it.

First, Jack and Kenneth make fun of this silly little program. Sure, it reads as making fun of people who don't believe in global warming, but the show could have just made the directive to cut carbon emissions from GE headquarters instead of going the meta route and having a show about how NBC is making shows talk about environmental stuff.

When Kenneth goes into Jenna's dressing room to make her unplug her chargers, he comes armed with a silly pamphlet the network has put out. It features a quote from an actress who is barely known from a show that is barely on the air and with a bun that barely makes any sense. What a way to make fun of corporate propaganda.

Aside from Friday Night Lights we saw lots of making fun of other NBC shows last night, also getting hit were Heroes and The Cosby Show. At least the network is a good enough sport to give them clearance to dog on their shows.

And while we're at it, another observation: When did 30 Rock get so gay? Between Jenna's gaggle of gays, the funny gays in line at the Hugh Jackman event, and Liz's gay cop roommate this season has been mighty queer. It's like Cheyenne Jackson demanded the up they gay quotient by 15% before he would sign his contract.

Ok, now on to the final burn.

No matter how many times Jackman obliquely denies the gay rumors, they still persist. Maybe Tina Fey & Co. were just saying that gay guys love The Boy from Oz , and really why wouldn't they? He's handsome, buff, and loves a good show tune. The only thing that could make him more appealing is if he were related to Madonna.

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

A Jackman sequel had been much hoped for by the Oscar community. After two decades of firing every weapon imaginable at TV audiences in hopes of stemming the ratings slide, Jackman was the first thing that worked, giving last year's show a minor uptick — which is far better than a major downtick. After many attempts to young the show up (Chris Rock, Jon Stewart) to get wacky (Whoopi, Ellen) or to play down the middle comic shtick (Billy Crystal, Steve Martin) it turned out that what audiences wanted was a big-toothed song and dance man to bring in some champagne-like class.

The Academy's announcement of a couple weeks back that they would be replace Bill Condon, the show's not-available this year director, with Adam Shankman, another musical veteran, signaled an intent to stay the course. But without Jackman, the hunt will be on for another for of that rare, dying breed of Hollywood good-looking, above-the-fray, theater-y leading men.

The spotlight now turns to Neil Patrick Harris who has won hosannas as host of the Emmys and Tony awards and is the only obvious choice to fill Jackman's particular shoes. But will the king of all awards shows really be willing to take Emmy's hand-me-downs? They've done it before with Ellen, but twice starts to get embarrassing. Particularly when your leading competition, The Globes, has just booked the most buzzworthy host of any show in years — Ricky Gervais.

Throughout the years, Hollywood has whispered about the Oscar curse which seems to strike down many a winner's career after they take home the trophy. But shouldn't we wonder whether the curse applies to Oscar itself?

Here's the New York Post's gossip column item about Cooper going to the "best hotel in the world" in India:

Anderson Cooper has been consoling himself over falling ratings by living it up in Jaipur, India, at one of the world's most opulent hotels. The CNN star was spotted Tuesday with his muscular friend, Benjamin Maisani, an owner of East Village bar Eastern Bloc, at the Rambagh Palace, named the best hotel in the world by Conde Nast Traveler. Cooper's $3,200-a-night room features a four-poster mahogany bed and views of the gardens of the former Maharaja palace. Our source said, "Anderson's room has a large round bathtub. On the first night it was filled with bubbles and sprinkled with red rose petals." CNN declined to comment.

Saying Cooper is gay is no longer a scoop. It's not a scandal. Even the humor involved in all the clever winking and nodding is past its expiration date. With today's item Page Six may have exhausted all the ways to say "He's GAY GAY GAY!": the room only has one bed, Maisani's "muscular," and perhaps most blatantly, he owns Eastern Bloc. Every 'mo in New York knows Eastern Bloc is a gritty, dirty gay bar ("a true man meat bar") that often has boy-on-boy porn playing on its TVs. (The stencil over the DJ booth offers "Free Moustache Rides" and one outside once read "One Gay at a Time, Sweet Jesus.") All the patrons know Maisani, because he's big, and know he's dating Cooper. Word on the street is that Madonna's recent appearance there had less to do with her getting back to her East Village gay roots and more to do with the fact that she was with Cooper, who wanted to play "whose boy toy is hotter" with Madge.

Cooper's see-through closet is such a joke that it doesn't make sense to call him in the closet anymore. If he won't say it, we will: Anderson Cooper is officially out. There's no difference between him and Neil Patrick Harris. They both play it straight at their day jobs and then openly go about town with their boyfriends and do TV interviews about how much they love Kathy Griffin and The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

It's not like Cooper's in a club all of his own, either. He is part of an increasingly large crowd of notables who won't come out but have given up trying to hide that they are gay. Queen Latifah denied that she was going to marry her girlfriend, a girlfriend who she tries to pass off as her "trainer." Kevin Spacey got busted lying about being mugged in a London cruising park. Ricky Martin has stopped even trying to fight the gay rumors. Jodie Foster has never said she's a lesbian out loud, but she basically came out when she thanked her partner in an acceptance speech.

These gay-not-gay celebrities are different from the Hugh Jackmans, John Travoltas, Tom Cruises, and Kenny Chesneys, who are all constantly plagued with gay rumors that they strenuously try to deny or deflect. If they're gay, they're doing it in secret. Cooper and his set of cohorts live openly gay lives — and that's a good thing — but they refuse to acknowledge what the public already knows.

In Anderson Cooper's specific case, we sort of understand why he won't open his mouth and let the rainbows fly. All the guy has ever wanted to do was be an old-fashioned newsman and unfortunately him coming out would make him a part of the story. Every time he tried to cover something having to do with gay civil rights (or Madonna or Fire Island) plenty of people would claim that his reporting was biased because of his sexual orientation. It's not fair: Katie Couric doesn't have to worry when she covers pay inequality for women, and neither does Harry Smith when discussing new medicine that will eradicate baldness.

Coming out would open Cooper up to irrational accusations from those waiting to pounce on the "liberal media" just as quickly as A.C. pounces on his muscle man in an Indian hotel room. That sucks, but it's the way it currently is. How does it get changed? Well, by having some major national news figures come out and show that they can still get blown over in a hurricane or report live from a war zone without breaking into a anti-Prop 8 rant.

That's right, Anderson, it's going to take you to change it. Rachel Maddow has paved the way, but all the baby gays out there need you to man up and be our Jackie Robinson. The first step is the easiest, you just have to say what everyone already knows.

Top pic of Cooper and Maisani snapped in June by Pacific Coast News; pic of Eastern Bloc via Alice Bartlett's Flickr

• Christopher Walken makes dead chicken sit up, stuffs the Eiffel Tower up its ass, and serves it with pears to discerning cat. It's all very French. [Ezra Klein]
• Angelina Jolie slept with her mother's boyfriend when she was 16 because Andrew Morton says she did, but she definitely did not have sexual relations with Rosie O'Donnell who once talked to her on the phone and was instantly terrified. Donald Trump would like to learn that trick but his combover won't let him. [Dlisted]
• George Clooney makes triumphant return to TV! By sending us a Memphis cop/ Elvis impersonator who lives at home. Yup, sounds like drama. [Movieline]
• Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig are starring in some play - perchance you've heard of it? Just walk to Broadway and follow the screams. And now they're going on double dates together. New York has never been prettier.[Lainey Gossip]
• Bea Arthur is a Golden Girl. She willed $300, 000 to The Ali Forney Center, an organization that helps homeless LGBT youth.The Center plans to use the cash to buy housing for 12 youths and name the building after her. [Towleroad]
• Michael Jackson's latest and last movie, This is It, will debut this weekend. Dame Elizabeth Taylor, who has seen a few movies in her time, thinks this one beats them all hollow. "If you listen to his lyrics," she twittered, "they are those of a modern day prophet and it beseeches us to listen to him and what he sang." Roger Friedman agrees. Jeffrey Wells, on the other hand, has a headache and isn't willing to put out to the Smooth Criminal. [Hollywood Elsewhere]
• Jude Law and Sienna Miller, notorious drama magnets and ex-lovers currently working in the same part of the same city, are "self-destructive, self-defeating, horny". Can they remain apart? NEVER! [Celebitchy]
• Brit Hume has guerrilla/pirate fantasies about Obama. [LA Times]
• Diane von Furstenberg got mugged in Spain. However, the next day the Spaniards gave her a "big award" so she's all right. [Page Six]
• P Diddy grabs his junk on a balcony in Rio, offends blogger who runs offensive website who then says offensive things about him. [Drunken Stepfather]
• Mandatory Gosselip Update: Could our long national nightmare be over? HA! As if. [NY Post]

• Poor Sarah Palin! The former Alaska governor wants to charge $100,000 for speaking gigs, but sources say many lecture circuits think she's nothing more than a "blithering idiot" and don't want to shell out the bucks. [Page Six]

  
  

• How far they fall: Eddie Furlong's wife Rachael Kneeland filed a restraining order against the Terminator 2 star. She claims he "grabbed me, bruised me, pushed me, made threats of more violence" and smokes cocaine like a mad man. [TMZ]

  
  

• A medical examiner has officially ruled on suicide in DJ AM's death. It was an "accidental overdose." Still sad, though. [NYDN]

  
  

• Meghan McCain doesn't have the highest opinion of journalists: I am pretty much completely disillusioned with journalists after my time... I think all of it's bad." Wait, don't you write for Daily Beast? [Mediaite]

  
  

• Who knew so many people would want to see Jude Law and Hugh Jackman in the flesh? Their new play, A Steady Rain, broke Broadway's record for single tickets sold in a week. [Reuters]

  
  

• Ew! U2's current tour costs a little over $750,000 each day. And, despite Bono's Earth-friendly ways, a lot of that goes to the 200 trucks that transport equipment, lights and food. [The Sun]

  
  

• Madonna wants to get her embryonic boyfriend, Jesus Luz, DJ gigs at East Village bars, including homosexual establishment Eastern Bloc. [Page Six]

  
  

• Penelope Cruz can't — or won't — say if she prefers kissing Scarlett Johansson or Charlize Theron. They are both, she says, "pretty beautiful partners." Also, she won't say if she's having Javier Bardem's baby. [Vanity Fair]

  
  

• Let's all pray for Gwen Stefani, for some evil robbers tried to break into her mansion while she was in Singapore. Tragic. [NYDN]

  
  

• Conan O'Brien made fun of Newark, New Jersey, last week, and now the city's mayor, Cory Booker, has posted a YouTube "banning" him from the city's airport, which is basically like telling someone they can't eat glass. That place sucks. [NY Post]

  
  

• BBC executives chided gay comedian Graham Norton for making fun of lesbian haircuts. [Daily Mail]

  
  

• So, Diddy's leaving Warner Bros. for Interscope, but WB won't let him take all of his Bad Boy artists, so he's going to have to find new talent. Good thing he has a billion MTV shows that revolve around that very concept. [Page Six]

  
  

• Oscar-winning Pulp Fiction writer Roger Avary was sentenced to one-year in jail yesterday for a DUI accident in which his passenger died. [MSNBC]

• Everyone loves Neil Patrick Harris. And how could they not? He came out singing cabaret and danced away with our undying love. Not that he didn't have it before. After this evening's turn as the show's host, we're pretty sure Harris should master the ceremonies of every Hollywood event ever. (By the way, Mediaite has the lyrics from the introductory number. Learn them. Live them. Love them.)
  
  
• Kristin Chenoweth will soon be the hardest working woman in Hollywood. The adorable actress — once known mostly to the Broadway crowd — stole the nation's heart by crying after winning best supporting actress for Pushing Daisies. The show's been canceled and Chenoweth, bless her, reminded the world that she needs a job: "I'm unemployed now, so I'd like to be on Mad Men. I also like The Office and 24."
  
  
• Tina Fey fans are upset that Toni Collette won the "best comedy actress" award for United States of Tara, which we actually enjoy. Well, Jeff Jarvis is upset, at least: the journalist and internet aficionado twittered, "best comedy actress was a crime." But, whatever, because Fey won for her SNL Sarah Palin impersonation.
  
  
• In other-SNL news, Justin Timberlake took home a trophy for his "Dick in a Box" routine. But that was announced last week, so hopefully you knew that.
  
  
• Sure, Fey didn't win, but that doesn't mean the Academy doesn't still love 30 Rock: the incredibly popular show won "best comedy series" and Alec Baldwin walked away with a "best actor" statuette. That's his second, for the record.
  
  
• Speaking of seconds: Mad Men again won "best drama series" and best writing for a drama series. Does this mean the show will continue to be a popular culture darling? Not if you ask Matthew Greenberg from True Slant — he thinks the consecutive win will alienate those who don't already watch it, because they'll think it's elitist.
  
  
• If Greenberg's right, there could also be a backlash against Glenn Close: the Damages star once again won for "best actress" in a drama series.
  
  
• Comedy Central's no doubt pleased with Jon Stewart and the Daily Show crew: they won "best writing" for a comedy, variety, etc series. And, yes, Stewart commended Neil's hosting abilities. He also made a joke about going backstage to watch football, which was competing on another network and became the butt of many tiresome jokes.
  
  
• LA Times writer Tom O'Neil has crowned Bill Maher the biggest Emmy loser in history because Maher, whose show was nominated in the aforementioned variety category, has lost 22 times over the course of his career.
  
  
• Remember how we said Harris should host everything? He may have some competition from Hugh Jackman, who won for original music for his Oscar dance routine.
  
  
• Hey, did you know Sarah McLachlan's still around? And she's still singing "I Will Remember You." While, yes, we should take a moment to recognize the departed — Bea Arthur! — certainly there's a less maudlin, predictable soundtrack.
  
  
• And on that note, here's a list of the winners.

Every review I've read on Star Trek so far, and I think I've read five altogether, not to mention countless blog posts, Tweets and Tumblrs, has been nothing less than a collective circle jerk for this film. Is there anyone out there who saw it and thought that it sucked, or was at least mediocre?!

Well, in some ways it's both. The Oscars aren't exactly the "one billion people are watching!" extravaganza of eyeballs they used to be, at least not in this country. Ratings for the telecast have sunk to precipitous lows in recent years, and all of the glitz and tomfoolery is increasingly being dismissed as cheesy indulgence by irony-fattened 21st century mindsets. But of course there is still the rabid faction of fans who lap up everything Academy Awards, mainly gays and the ladies who love them. So why not, ABC might have figured when hiring Hugh Jackman to host and Dreamgirls director Bill Condon as the man behind the scenes, just go for the gusto and gay the thing up. Support and satisfy the base and let the rest fall away like so much else in these belt-tightening times. The Oscars will be the Tonys, only slightly relevant!

So that might be part of the reason why Queen Latifah did her best Big, Black Broadway Lady and Hugh got some help from Beyoncé and the fagtastic Zac Efron to declare the musical alive and kicking, while the Swarovski bejeweled curtain thing hovered overhead like a murder of gay angels. But also, maybe (hopefully), the show just seems gayer these days because Hollywood has actually been pretty gay all along, it's just only recently that folks can be out loud n' proud about it. Sure Milk didn't win all the awards it should have, but that pretty pretty princess who wrote the script got to have his pretty pretty day on stage and say heartfelt, pretty pretty things about Why Gays Are Good. And the Academy voters forsook the opportunity to reward Mickey Rourke with a "we're friends again, k?" comeback award, which is their favorite thing to do ever, and instead gave it to the loudly political and difficult Sean Penn for playing a big loud homo. Hollywood is maybe, finally, thawing from the long, cold anti-gay nuclear winter that it self-defeatingly put itself in all those years ago when movies started being made.

Of course Milk's victories could be chalked up to a fitful, hand-wringing apology for Prop 8 and the sour Brokeback Mountain defeat of yesteryear. But still, it's progress. It's now actually a bad thing to be mean to gay people for being gay! Now if we could only start bestowing prizes upon movies and performances that highlight gay folks who aren't dying of AIDS or gunshots or like living in a concentration camp or something, we'll really be nearing the end of the woods. But that wouldn't be very Oscars, I suppose.

And as for Hugh and the singing and the dancing, well it's fun. But it didn't feel quite right. Not yet at least. Maybe let's try it again next year, work out the kinks. Maybe then everyone will feel OK about the fact that Hollywood and the Academy Awards were never really the rough and tumble stuff of faux-masculine cinema everyone pretended they were, at least not an inch below the surface. Down there lurked the costume designers and the set decorators and the writers and the fretful, closeted actors and every other fabulous fairy who helped cobble these pictures together. That those hardworking souls are finally getting the silly glitzy show they deserve is only fair. I just wish Cary Grant were around to enjoy it.

Image via Getty

Slumdog Millionaire dominated as expected, an international sweep in a night studded with British, Indian and Australian wins. Not that there was much danger of nationalist unity within Hollywood; host Hugh Jackman managed to work some surprisingly vicious showbiz digs into the show, including lines from Steve Martin and Tina Fey not-so-subtly mocking Scientology and Ben Stiller's unsparing imitation of Joaquin Phoenix.

There were some misfires, like the lengthy nominee tributes involving top stars giving overlong, wedding-toast-style speeches for each contender in top categories like Best Actor and Actress. But there were also more memorable moments than any viewer had a right to expect. The best:

10. Franco and Rogen turn the Reader into stoner comedy

"Their giggling and guffawing at The Reader is somehow more damning (and more exposing of the film's overweening pomposity) than a thousand bad reviews." —Guardian. (OK, sure, but Kate Winslet's little gold man begs to disagree about the Reader.)

9. Angelina Jolie grins big at Jennifer Aniston

You just had to cut to Jolie during Aniston's animation award presentation, didn't you, ABC? OK, so we secretly enjoyed the shot of the Brad Pitt-stealer's wide grin, but that's not the point.

8. Philippe Petit's statuette-balancing magic trick

The star of Best Documentary Man on the Wire was making a naked bid to become the stuntman for all future Academy Award ceremonies. We're all for it, as long as the Frenchman returns each year with his charming white scarf.

7. Host Hugh Jackman: "The Musical Is Back"

Is it? Because some of us felt like we were stuck on the lido deck of a cruise. Including Penelope Cruz, judging by her arched eyebrows at the close of the biggest number.

6. Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix

Oscar presenters don't normally go after their own. Stiller did. His deadpan, unmistakable imitation of Phoenix's notorious performance on David Letternan is as good a sign as any that Phoenix, who has declared himself retired from acting, is now being as much pushed out of the Hollywood community as leaving it.

5. Tina Fey and Steve Martin's Scientology dig

Or maybe they were talking about some other "made up" religion involving an alien king scattering seeds across the Earth to "fuel our positive transfers." But you don't have to be a Clear to know that's unlikely. (Though this is the best bit, Fey and Martin's overall routine was excellent. As was their rapport.)

4. Heath Ledger's family accepts his award

The late Dark Knight actor received a touching tribute from his father, mother and eager sister. But what happened to the mother of his child, Michelle Williams? She wasn't even mentioned.

3. Kate Winslet's whistle

The Englishwoman's Best Actress win was widely expected; her sweet call-and-response with her father was not.

2. Dustin Lance Black on gay rights: "God does love you."

The Mormon-raised Milk screenwriter once found inspiration and emotional sustenance in California. With his heartfelt message to "gay and lesbian kids," Black returned the favor.

1. Sean Penn: "You Commie, homo-loving sons of guns."

Accepting for Best Actor, Penn killed. The tightly-wound actor was charmingly self-deprecating. And his cutting comments on California's gay marriage ban, which came near the end of the Oscar telecast, provided the perfect bookend for Black's statements, near the start.

The Jonas Brothers have about as much in common with the Oscars as Joe Jonas has in common with being a gentleman. He claims that he wears a purity ring to remind him not to do anything that wouldn't make his mom proud. Just tell that to 25-second-phone call dumpee Taylor Swift.

Anne Hathaway dug deep in her interview to find a way to describe her Brokeback Mountain co-star Heath Ledger. He was so ... uh ... what's the word...

Mickey Rourke stayed in Oscar campaign mode and opened up on just how fucking much he wants that goddamn Oscar tonight. And he promises not to sexually molest the golden bald man.

All Walters wants to ask your song-y dance-y Oscar host Hugh Jackman is whether he's gay. But with a montage of his Broadway work opening the segment, she totally stacks the deck against him.

Jackman is willing to do anything to convince her that he's totally into women.

In this video that was "leaked" yesterday by the show's producers, Hugh Jackman talks about how hard he's working and why it's so very important to not make an ass out of yourself. And you get a glimpse of some of the numbers the show's producers — Bill Condon and and Laurence Mark, who last collaborated on the film version of Dreamgirls — have come up with. So, yes, not much of a mystery that the show will borrow a lot from Broadway.

More mysterious? Who is Youtube user "saremac" who's hosting the video? Probably a production lackey who's working on the show, but we really, really hope that this other clip on their page has served as inspiration for at least one Jackman number.

· 30-second ad spots on the final episode of ER — featuring George Clooney, Noah Wyle and Anthony Edwards — are going for the low, low price of $425,000. We'll take two.
· The existential crises of Garfield Without Garfield have felt uniquely harrowing this week. At least add Odie back in or something.
· Flaxen-haired Jared Leto is out and about at this weekend's Oscar festivities. Consider yourself warned.
· ZOMG Google Earth found Atlantis! Maybe? Never mind.

From a CNN interview:

CNN: How daring is it going to be? Will there be YouTube moments where people will be talking about the Oscars this year after it happens?

Jackman: One of my favorite moments at the Oscars was when the streaker came across David Niven. And we're upping it a level and we're just going to do most of the show naked. Um, well, there hopefully will be YouTube moments.

CNN: "The sexiest man alive" [is] going to be up there nude?

Jackman: Drunk and nude, yes. So that's our new fresh approach. It's the Australian way.

Another secret: The typical bathroom-break category Best Animated Short will be the breathtaking showstopper of the evening, when Jackman introduces each nominee employing his hidden skills as a masterly puppeteer of the penis. And yes, it will be projected on a giant LCD screen.

• Hugh Jackman ready to be 'drunk and nude' at the Oscars [CNN]