Gawker: hurricane nyc

How To Prepare For The Coming Hurricane

abalk — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 14:41:28 EDT

You've probably heard about the hurricane that may be wending its way toward our city. CBS News reports that the storm—now in its infancy over the Atlantic—may very well turn into a category 1 hurricane before it lashes our shore over the weekend. While experts are still unsure as to whether the storm will maintain its position long enough to gather the necessary wind, we're of the opinion that it's better to be prepared for the worst. We don't want you to panic, obviously, but this is how things will play out.

Is there really going to be a hurricane?
Well, as we noted above, no one can say with any real certainty. But, yes, there is going to be a hurricane. It is going to wreak terrible damage on the city, leaving a wake of death and destruction not seen in this area since those riots in the Bronx back in the seventies.

That sounds terrible. What can I do to prepare for it?
Apart from fleeing immediately, nothing. Oh, sure, you can go to the grocery store and panic-shop for provisions, but they're not going to be of much use. Once this baby hits, all bets are off. Society will be divided into two groups: Marauding zombie rapists who will take advantage of the chaos and lawlessness to feed their insatiable rape urges, and everyone else, referred to from here on out as "rapees."

Oh, come on. Is it really going to be that bad?
It's going to be worse. Here's what's going to happen: The combination of wind shear and chronic rain is going to snap our crappily-constructed bridges in two almost instantly. Tunnels will flood and collapse. The authorities will consider sending boats or air carriers to help evacuate the island, but will decide against it because of the more-than-reasonable fear of being raped. Escape from Manhattan will be all but impossible. Shelter will likewise be difficult to find: While many of our buildings are supposedly constructed to withstand these kind of storms, city inspectors are notoriously easy to bribe. Many of the structures you see in Manhattan are actually constructed of balsa wood and sheetrock. With almost nowhere left to hole up, you will be easy prey for the zombie rapists, who will be hypersensitized to the presence of rapee flesh due to the high humidity and their boundless desire to rape. As night falls, the ass-raping will begin. By day two of the storm, those rapees who have somehow survived twenty-four hours of being brutally violated in every imaginable orifice will be chained together and marched down to Ground Zero, where they will become participants in a Zombie Rape Olympics. (Particularly painful: The Synchronized Raping competition.)

Now you've got me worried. I really don't want to get raped by zombies. Is there any way to defend myself?
Conventional weapons have no effect on the zombie rapists. Fuelled by the adrenaline that comes from continually violating the bodies of unwilling victims, the rapists are almost impervious to knives and bullets. Your best bet is to smack them on the nose, like a shark, which will momentarily distract them, but be warned: This makes the zombie rapists extremely agitated. Should they catch you as you attempt to flee, you will be mouth-raped. Repeatedly. Then they will eat you.

So basically you're telling me that this hurricane is going to turn New York into an island of rape-crazed zombies who will rape everyone in their path and will not stop raping until there's no one left to rape, and there's nothing I can do about it except get raped a lot?
More or less. But you can save yourself by leaving now. NOW. Drop what you're doing and get on a train or a bus or an airplane and leave the city immediately. All of you. Clear out of New York for this weekend, please. It's the only way we're going to be able to get into Wakiya this Saturday, which we stupidly forget to make a reservation for last month and are now in a serious amount of trouble that has resulted in a withdrawal of sexual services for the last week and an endless tirade of abuse about how inconsiderate, thoughtless, and insensitive we are, not to mention we're crap in bed. But we're thinking about you here: Leave New York now or you're going to be raped. You heard it here first.

Potential Tropical Storm Could Strike NYC [WCBS]

Julia Allison Is Partial To David Blaine's Abracadabra

abalk — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 10:13:51 EDT

From the mailbag:

So here's a super-weird sighting - I saw David Blaine, Leven Rambin and Julia Allison eating dinner together at Koi in the Bryant Park Hotel tonight (Thurs) around 6:30. He seriously had cards out on the table doing a trick and Julia was laughing really loudly. She was wearing a black Chanel dress - it was pretty conservative. Leven was wearing some tan sweatshirt thing. Blaine was wearing sunglasses. When they left Blaine and Leven got on a motorcycle together and Julia took a photo of them.

You know what, the more we think about it, the more we're actively rooting for that hurricane to come and completely destroy New York.

The Times' Lede blog notes that today's news...

Doree Shafrir — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 17:40:25 EDT

The Times' Lede blog notes that today's news has been especially depressing: hundreds dead from an earthquake in Peru, 500 dead from a truck bombing in Iraq, thousands homeless after floods in North Korea, flooding in Texas, a hurricane forming in the Atlantic, Wall Street is tanking, and those miners in Utah probably aren't getting rescued. Yay, reality! The comments are particularly hilarious. [NYT/The Lede]

Oh no, WABC meteorologist Bill Evans was...

Emily Gould — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 15:20:18 EDT

Oh no, WABC meteorologist Bill Evans was right! From our favorite internet astrologist Susan Miller comes this prediction: "In the media, there could be reports of very bad weather, including rain, flooding, and/or hurricanes and the like during this last week of the month, for the lunar eclipse will be in Pisces, the sign of water. This eclipse has a lot of difficult aspects associated with it, so you need to keep your schedule light." [AstrologyZone]

Bill Evans Fortells Our Watery Doom

abalk — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 13:50:37 EDT

Last week's deluge could not have come at a better time for WABC's avuncular weather hottie Bill Evans. As you'll recall, Bill's new novel, Category 7, imagines the effects that a hurricane might have if it hit New York City. And make no mistake: A hurricane WILL hit New York City! And soon! Probably right after Labor Day! Last week was just foreshadowing. But how will it play out? Evans put together a promotional video that is so adorably amateur—and frightening—that we had to share it with you. Batten down the hatches, people: It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.