The biggest lesson is that there isn't much out there that is as great as Mad Men. It's going to be a long wait until the show returns next summer, but until then, maybe we can all keep ourselves warm with one of these substitues, but it's doubtful.

The Prisoner
Similarities to Mad Men: Mining '60s culture for a modern day story.
Differences from Mad Men: This remake seems to be scared of its heritage, avoiding the pseudo-psychedelic, swinging London vibe of the original.
Reasons to Watch: AMC thinks it's a worthy replacement to Mad Men, placing The Prisoner in Mad Men's time slot cage for its six-episode run. Ian McKellen is pretty awesome in everything, espeically when he plays the villain.
Reasons to Avoid: We were underwhelmed with the first installment, and it's only six episodes long. That will barely get us through the first month of MM withdrawl.
Replacement Analogy: The Prisoner is to a Rolling Stones cover band as Mad Men is to Mick Jagger live in concert.

Dexter
Similarities to Mad Men: An intelligent drama with a dark mood and characters with questionable morality that every so often has some grisly blood spray.
Differences from Mad Men: Showtime's serial killer drama doesn't have the subtlety that we get from Draper and company.
Reasons to Watch: It is an interesting and suspenseful take with a very distinct point of view. This season John Lithgow is doing a knock-out job playing the calm but crazy Trinity Killer.
Reasons to Avoid: There's lots of back story to catch up on, and if you don't like blood, guts, and murders, you're better off cracking open a book.
Replacement Analogy: Dexter is to a bludgeoning as Mad Men is to a slow death by poison.

Brothers and Sisters
Similarities to Mad Men: Lots of family drama and intrigue in the work place.
Differences from Mad Men: Ojai Foods is a far cry from Sterling Cooper, and Betty Draper couldn't care less about her kids where as meddlesome Nora Walker can't go 10 minutes without calling them on the phone.
Reasons to Watch: ABC's ensemble drama has a look inside some fun and wacky family dynamics. Also, Nora has a hot new boyfriend.
Reasons to Avoid: This season has the two story lines that make all TV shows boring: cancer and pregnancy. Every episode is kind of the same: there's a secret, the family has a dinner party, the secret comes out at the party, everyone fights, then they make up. Yawn.
Replacement Analogy: Brothers and Sisters is to a family funeral as Mad Men is to an Irish wake.

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Similarities to Mad Men: A wealthy, creative, annoying man driving everyone crazy.
Differences from Mad Men: Larry David only dreams he could be as handsome as Don Draper, and when Mad Men makes you cringe, it's from finely crafted emotional storytelling, not wacky embarrassing stunts.
Reasons to Watch: Haven't you heard, there's a Seinfeld Reunion and it's only on HBO.
Reasons to Avoid: Larry David.
Replacement Analogy: Curb Your Enthusiasm is to Bruno as Mad Men is to Borat.

Family Guy
Similarities to Mad Men: Um...
Differences from Mad Men: This ubiquitous, animated Fox comedy that is a string of non sequiturs, absurdest rants, and silly ditties is about as far away from the '60s advertising drama as you're going to get.
Reasons to Watch: In case you need to have a conversation with a straight boy between the ages of 16 and 28.
Reasons to Avoid: It's Family Guy.
Replacement Analogy: Family Guy is to beer bongs as Mad Men is to scotch.

60 Minutes
Similarities to Mad Men: CBS' news magazine also features bunch of people who have been working since the early '60s.
Differences from Mad Men: The people are old now (and don't dress as sharply) and think they still know what goes on in the world.
Reasons to Watch: Inappropriate crushes on Leslie Stahl and nostalgia for the ticking watch.
Reasons to Avoid: Andy Rooney.
Replacement Analogy: 60 Minutes is to Parade as Mad Men is to vintage Esquire.

Going to the Movies
Similarities to Mad Men: Decadent and at times either serious or comedic, depending on the mood.
Differences from Mad Men: It's the movies, not TV, so every time it's different. This week we went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, which was smooth, sylish, and visually interesting, like Mad Men, but its overwrought hipster vibe couldn't be different from the show's cool detachment.
Reasons to Watch: Going to the movies every week will keep you culturally relevant. If you catch the late show on Sunday night when MM is usually on, the cineplex is also less crowded than the rest of the weekend
Reasons to Avoid: Leaving the house on Sunday night, $12.50 a pop, and the empty calories from all that pop corn.
Replacement Analogy: Going to the movies is to Twizzlers as Mad Men is to Betty's meatloaf.

Mad Men on DVD
Similarities to Mad Men: Well, it's Mad Men, just all the ones you've seen already.
Differences from Mad Men: No commercials, watch as many as you want whenever you want, bonus material.
Reasons to Watch: With a show as difficult as this, you can't catch everything the first time around, so a rewatch is definitely rewarding. Knowing what happens in season three puts everything in seasons one and two in a different context.
Reasons to Avoid: There are no surprises.
Replacement Analogy: Mad Men on DVD is to your wedding day as Mad Men on TV is to your first date with your future spouse.

• Russell Brand's Hampstead home is on the market for £2.5 million, which, if my rudimentary math skills serve, is about $4.2 million. The "dramatic and stylish" three-bedroom home features a landscaped garden and "wheely bins round the back," whatever that means. (Was it a sex joke?) The real question: Is he selling it so he can move in with Katy Perry in LA? And if so: Is there any way we can stop him from invading our country? [3AM]
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• With regards to his eponymous relationship with Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner says "it's weird calling somebody your name," which sounds about right. [OK]
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• Madonna still denies she going to Brazil to meet boytoy Jesus Luz's mother, saying "I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Honey, if you refer to visits with your future mother-in-law a humanitarian mission, you are never going to win her over. [P6]
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• Jon Gosselin will countersue TLC for $5 million, proving yet again that shamelessness is not a terrible financial strategy. [Radar]
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• Speaking of the financial value of shamelessness: Accused Letterman blackmailer Joe Halderman is asking friends and co-workers to contribute to his legal fund. He's got $50K so far, needs at least $200K, and would have had $2 million if only that old perv had coughed up the dough and kept his mouth shut. [TMZ]
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• Page Six has more on Jho Low, the mysterious Malaysian club king that everyone is talking about, but nobody will really dish on. Apparently Low "is a golden goose for nightclub owners, who are fiercely protecting his privacy." He regularly runs up six-figure Cristal tabs, and the decor for his 28th birthday at Caesars Palace included "bikini-clad party girls" and "caged lions and tigers." [P6]
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• Demi Moore looks insanely hot (albeit a touch anorexic) on the cover of W. She discusses being a cougar in the accompanying article: "I'd prefer to be called a puma," Ashton may be young but they have a "deep and old connection." Whatever, cradle robber. [PopSugar]
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• Sir Ian McKellen advocates the destruction of property in the fight for gay rights, saying the choice of whether to write a letter to your congressman or "go and break windows" is really a personal one. [P6]
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• Pamela Anderson is getting picky about the lighting she is photographed in, insisting on shadow-free ring flashes at a recent event in Miami. She's the Blanche Dubois of silicone-bolstered soft-core porn. [P6]
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• Robert Pattinson has raunchy B.O. Apparently there is an air of "bad personal hygiene hanging around him like the hum of four-day-old fish carcass from the kitchen bin," according to 3AM, which is officially my new favorite gossip source. The fetid actor admitted, "I dont know, my personal hygiene—it's so disgusting!" It is so depressing when teen heartthrobs are as clueless and gross as regular teens. [3AM]

• Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab for a third time, but her doctor says it's simply "routine." At this point, yes. [Mirror]
  
  
• Robin Williams has been asked to play Britain's Got Talent singer Susan Boyle in a biopic about her life. Sounds like a perfect fit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Singer-turned-loon Amy Winehouse has filed a £50,000 lawsuit against her former mother-in-law, who Winehouse accused of copyright infringement for selling one of her rambling love letters to her ex-husband. [The Sun]
  
  
• Ed Swiderski, the man who shocked — shocked! — the world by cheating on his Bachelorette "girlfriend" insisted he never took the show seriously. [Us]
  
  
• Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise inspired a Scientology fashion line. That says it all. [The Guardian]
  
  
• Lesbian tennis star Martina Navratilova former beauty queen girlfriend Julia Lemigova once dated Swiss banker Edouard Stern, who was murdered by his lover in a sadomasochistic sex romp. That may be the most titillating gossip we've heard in a long time. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• American Idol winner David Cook's so secretive about his love life that he refuses to buy anything for his girlfriend. Wait, isn't that just cheap? [Page Six]
  
  
• Sex tape and reality star Kim Kardashian will direct an "unscripted show" about her publicist friend Jonathan Cheban. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now that Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are out in the open about their adulterous relationship, Cibrian's wife is free to rip him to shreds. She describes him as a "a compulsive liar, cheater and a home wrecker." Well, we know at least two of those things are true. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ian McKellen went to see his friend Rachel Weisz in A Streetcar Named Desire. That's just sweet. [Just Jared]

• Geoffrey Rush and Susan Sarandon slay in Ionesco's Exit the King at the Barrymore, while Joan Allen and Jeremy Irons are apparently not so effective in the drab-sounding Impressionism.
• Meanwhile Yasmina Reza's God of Carnage seems intriguing in a brutish intellectualism sorta way. Plus a cast of Hope Davis, Marcia Gay Harden, Jeff Daniels, and James Gandolfini sounds pretty solid.
• Off Broadway, Inked Baby—by a still in school Christina Anderson—starring LaChanze sounds blah. And Haggadah at LaMama ought to be a confusing but fun trip into the Passover story.
• My classicist friend Cathy tells me that An Oresteia at Classical Stage Company has really awful blindspots in the 'partially obstructed' section, so if you're going to see the turgid two-parter, make sure you buy a seat in the middle.
• Speaking of classical epics, terrific and on-the-rise actor Denis O'Hare (seen recently at the Classical in Uncle Vanya with Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard) is developing An Iliad, a one-man show, at Seattle Rep.
• The poorly-reviewed film Spinning Into Butter, based on Rebecca Gilman's race-relations-in-academia play, is finally being released. (That one's for you, Depardoo).
• Khaled Hosseini's smash hit novel The Kite Runner was already a movie. Well, now it's a play, too.
• For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf was supposed to get a revival in New York this year, but the economy scared it off (along with Godspell, alack). Well, now it's going to become a movie, too.
• If you missed Ian McKellen as Lear at BAM last year, you can watch the performance on New York Public Television in April.
• In regional news: The god-like Laure Metcalf (who first hit big at Steppenwolf when she did that honking 30-minute-long monologue in Balm of Gilead) will star in the comedy Voice Lessons next month at the Zephyr Theatre in LA. The national tour of Mary Poppins started in Chicago this week, as did the run of new play Magnolia (not related to the movie) at the Goodman. Unfortunately, it's not great. The "modern multimedia" Hunchback of Notre Dame at the Majestic in Boston sounds weird and fun.
• Also, a friend text-messaged me tonight because he thought that Elaine Stritch died. She did not. Don't anyone scare me like that ever again.

· So apparently the "dry, messy, bun look" Drew Barrymore is rocking is the hot new hairstyle, replacing last season's "puffy cloud look." If you can't perfect it, don't kill yourself, however. Before you know it the "rabbit head look" will have taken its place.
· Did you miss Ian McKellen's King Lear at UCLA Live? It's coming to PBS, but minus the frontal nudity. Damn it! Next year we're going for the subscription.
· If Michael Jackson's gotta go, he's gonna go out in Bel Air style.
· Regret having made out multiple times with a former boy band member? Cleanse yourself in the healing waters of Disgusting People I Have Made Out With.
· Do Something.org is auctioning off David Archuleta! (Well, the chance to "hang out" with him and four tickets to a "secret concert.") We know we don't have the kind of money to win this thing, so we just hope whichever bored, cougar heiress does returns him approximately the way she found him.

I did feel the need to tweak (New Line co-founder Michael Lynne's) nose once, when he seemed to be trying to diddle the cast of LOTR out of their well-earned share of the profits. It was at a party in Berlin after the opening of The Return of the King. I said "That's for all the trouble you've been causing!" I don't know who was more surprised: Michael, that I had taken his nose in my finger and thumb and twisted it gently, or me for having dared do it! At least one of us enjoyed it.

And, in desperately needed response to "rumors" that Viggo Mortensen and his other male castmates were fraternizing during production, only to beard it up in public:

This gossip is all news to me. Elijah [Wood], Dominic [Monaghan] and Orlando [Bloom] introduced me to their girlfriends during shooting. I didn't ever meet Viggo's partner although his son visited a a few times. It would seem that none of my friends can be accused of hypocrisy. Probably the fevered imagination of slashers is to blame.

McKellen's acknowledgment of such whispers is itself a brave step forward in smashing the Hollywood closet — a classy, conscientious refusal to allow even the basest of speculation to go ignored lest the valuable, "not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that" opportunity that follows gets away. Those incoming phone calls from Mortensen, Bloom and Co. are surely best wishes for a successful — and long — return to Middle-Earth.

• The Lord of the Rings [McKellen.com]

After our conversation this reporter was invited to accompany him while he changed from jeans and sweater into his Lear costume to record a scene used to publicize the production's Antipodean tour. And, at a glance, it seemed evident that he is an actor who still works out.

Every Inch a King (and Buff, Too) [NYT] [Image: Jocelyn Carlin/Panos]

But you know, just swap out the movie titles, it works just as well. The best part? McKellen's honorary certificate proclaiming his status as aide de camp was endorsed by Georgia's then-governor Zell Miller, who probably just assumed that McKellen's gayness was Britishness. The spokesman for current Georgia governor Sonny Perdue is open to both gay assistance and moderate pop culture confusion, noting "this guy is Gandalf and Magneto rolled into one, and if he wants to join forces with Georgia when we must battle evil, we welcome him."

Happy Endings: Ian McKellen National Guard Mixup Solved? [Queerty]
Side Dish [NYDN]
Sir Ian McKellen not appointed to Georgia National Guard [NY Blade]
Georgian Greetings [Ian McKellen]

[Photo: Getty Images]

"I'm scared for Hollywood, because A-list movie stars are going to be putting that in their contract. `I want 10 years taken off me.' This technology is unbelievable," said "X-Men: The Last Stand" director Brett Ratner. "It's like painting the lines out of your face. Why do people have to have plastic surgery, anymore? Just be in a movie and look flawless and perfect."

Sadly, had Faye Dunaway's career peaked only a quarter of a century later than it did, she too could have taken full advantage of the risk-free benefits of digital rejuvenation. Instead, she arrived at Cannes having taken 20 years off the old fashioned way: by storming into her plastic surgeon's office and ignoring his warning that the extreme overhaul she's demanding would make her look like Jessica Biel's terrifying aunt.

• X-Men stars get digital facelifts [CNN/AP]

"I've often thought the Bible should have a disclaimer at the front saying 'This is fiction.'" McKellen responded. "I mean walking on water? I mean, it takes an act of faith."

While McKellen has never been one to shy away from controversy—he's long been an outspoken proponent of legalizing wizard-wizard marriage—we can't help but wonder if perhaps this time he's gone too far. Certainly there are far more sensitive approaches to addressing the film's pious detractors than by merely offering them the equivalent of, "You have built your lives on nothing more than fanciful lies! But that shouldn't discourage you from catching me reprise my role as Magneto in the much anticipated X-Men: The Last Stand, coming soon."

• Ian McKellen Unable to Suspend Disbelief While Reading the Bible [Us Weekly Blog]