He knew it was risky business, but a 14-year-old from Prospect Heights, Illinois, decided to take advantage of his parents' absence by hiring a prostitute over the Internet.

Republican Rep. Aaron Schock (who is not gay, but definitely has gay fans) from Illinois was recently asked why he doesn't support same-sex marriage. Here's his answer:

The Illinois Times reports that a Springfield pastor has taken a leave of absence after making a polite but oh-dear-so-nervous-sounding call to local police, seeking help after he mysteriously managed to get himself stuck inside a pair of handcuffs.

The future of gay couples' right to marry in Illinois could very well, as god intended, rely on the automobile industry. Illinois Senators have attached the legalization of gay marriage as an amendment to House Bill 4963, which itself amends the state's Collateral Recovery Act. Feasibly, a bill which seeks to "define…

A nanny in Northbrook, an affluent Chicago suburb, was arrested last week after she stole $600 from the wallets of the kids she was watching. According to a police report, the children's father confronted Alexandra Donohue, 22, after noticing the money was missing. She initially denied taking the money, but later…

Winning Mega Millions tickets were purchased in Kansas, Illinois, and Maryland — if you live in one of those states, get excited. Then glance at the winning numbers and realize you were nowhere near that $540 million prize.

First-term Illinois Sen. Mark Kirk suffered a stroke this weekend and is now recovering from surgery. He had driven himself to the hospital "where doctors discovered a carotid artery dissection in the right side of his neck," according to his office. A neurosurgeon at the hospital says the stroke was on the right side…

Perpetually trapped in small spaces Robert Sylvester Kelly, R. Kelly to his fanz, has listed his Illinois mansion for $1.59 million. And for the palatial 22,000 square-foot, six bedroom, eight full bathrooms and six half baths (with a bladder like his, you can't be too careful), that's a steal.

After telling the court that he's "unbelievably sorry," reality star and former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 168 months in jail over 18 counts of corruption. He'll be out in time to run for office in, what, 2025?

If you were advertising a legal secretary position on Craiglist, would you post it in the Jobs section under "Legal/Paralegal," or in the Gigs section under "Adult"? If you're Illinois lawyer Samir Zia Chowhan you'd choose Option Two, because you'd expect your secretary to be "adult"—with you! On the clock and on the…

In May, Northwestern University cancelled "Fucksaw 101," officially known as "Human Sexuality," over its infamous live demonstration of a woman being fucked. Or sawed. Or whatever. But now, deviancy once again haunts the sex-crazed Northwestern campus, as this recent campus-wide email, sent to us by several tipsters,…

Two Republican state legislators from the honorable part of Illinois have proposed legislation that would rid their state of Chicago—aka the Windy City, aka the Capital of Chicago Politics, aka Obama's Backyard, aka Rod Blagojevich's jogging grounds. Chicago is not their kind of town!

"Ornelas advised that she was extremely upset with her boyfriend because she did not see the movie Twilight like they were suppose too [sic]." — Eighteen-year-old Olivia Ornelas explains why she was driving drunk with no right front tire.

After allegedly smacking his girlfriend upside the head with his guitar, dedicated axeman Edwin Summers offered this explanation: "When a woman messes with my guitar, she messes with my world." Did somebody celebrate Nigel Tufnel Day a bit too strenuously? Because that shit sounds straight out of This Is Spinal Tap.

Illinois weather reporter Drew Gardner was delivering a live report about storm-toppled trees when a tree surgeon trips and nearly slices his face off. As the jauntily coiffed Gardner explains on his YouTube page,

Paul Parisi, a prisoner at Stateville Correctional Center in Illinois, suffers from fibroneuroma—a disease that causes benign tumors to form on his nerve cells. When Parisi's illness started causing him severe pains, he asked his (taxpayer-subsidized) prison doctors to treat him. So they gave him some (free) aspirin…

In an incident similar to the Great Roommate Buttering Caper of May 2011 in terms of messiness, domestic disruption, and—perhaps most remarkably—the involvement of a woman named Dawn, a Chicago wife has been arrested for hurling cupcakes at her husband during an argument. How sweet it isn't! ("It" being a…

Braidwood, Illinois calls itself a red carpet community, which suggests that visitors to the tiny town should expect to be treated like celebrities. Does not apply to brown-skinned visitors, though! In that case you might expect to be treated like a criminal, at least by some of the local cops.