Meticulously Rendered, Commie-Eating 'Indy' Ants Fail To Win Over Academy's FX Branch

Lucas's Folly XVIII: Something About Glass Skulls's long journey from fanboy dream-project to yet another chapter in The Big Book of Cinematic Disillusionment has been capped with an Oscar snub. More »

Steven Spielberg Presents 'Marcia Brady and the Kingdom of the Crystal Coke Spoon'

After traumatizing the Today audience yesterday with her delightful tale of family syphilis, former Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick took her unsettling book tour to The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet, where she opened up about cocaine ("They would call me 'The Hoover' because of how much cocaine I would do") and family planning ("I was 18, 19 and 20 when I had each abortion"), then recounted a brand-new story about hitting rock bottom that was markedly different than the one she told Meredith Vieira on Tuesday. This one, you see, involved Indiana Jones: More »

Extra Cheese: While this promotion isn't earning any points with the Abramovitches, VanAirsdales and Buchanans of America, all of you anonymous, overeducated Joneses out there may have an interest in LucasFilm's memo currently making the rounds: "Greetings, On behalf of our promotional partner Papa John's, I wanted to make sure you received the news about their fun Indiana Jones promotion to celebrate today's DVD and Blu-Ray release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It offers a free Papa John's pizza to anyone in the United States named 'Dr. Jones' — and if they live in Indiana, they'll get a DVD as well!" Bon appetit, or something. [TOH]

Rape Sells! South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour — probably at the end of that crisis meeting rumored to be unfolding today at Paramount. Sadly, bitterly, the cycle continues. [The Live Feed]

Was South Park's Indiana Jones Rape Too Much?

This week's episode of cartoon iconoclast South Park, in which Indiana Jones was raped repeatedly by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg (see clip), is causing quite a commotion! The showrunners were, you know, just trying to voice their dissatisfaction with this summer's kinda crappy Indiana Jones fourquel, Kingdom of the — Wait What the Hell Is Shia LaBeouf Doing?, but people are wondering: did they go too far? Oh, and, ruh roh, it looks like the Indiana folks weren't given any warning. More »

South Park Presents: 'Indiana Jones and the Pinball-Machine Rape of Doom'

We knew George Lucas had a taste for franchise-rape, but our relatively proscribed imaginations prevented us from conjuring the horror of Lucas and accomplice Steven Spielberg forcibly tag-teaming Indiana Jones not once, not twice, but three times in 30 minutes. But that's what South Park is for, we guess, where the mandate to get tanked on Crystal Head Vodka™ and crossbreed cinema's most notorious rape scenes with Indy's own violation was thriving nicely in last night's episode. We've culled one-third of the NSFW nightmare for your viewing pleasure after the jump; expect the filmmakers' "He was asking for it" defense to arrive here later in the day. [Comedy Central]

Harrison Ford All But Confirms 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of the $100 Million Payday'

It would be too easy to say that Harrison Ford hit the Crystal Head Vodka a little hard before today's interview at the LA Times; how else to explain his eagerness to jump aboard Indiana Jones 5 so soon after the franchise's fourth installment? He's 66! George Lucas can't settle on a script! And Shia still has months of recovery ahead for his pinkie and balls. All signs but the dollar say "stop," but that's all the actor apparently needed to wax fantastic about the potential pouring forth everywhere from the box office to cereal aisles: More »

Shia LaBeouf Ably Defends His 'Indy 4' Stint By Comparing the Movie to 'Porky's'

Though George Lucas has dashed the hopes of a scant few Indiana Jones fanboys already camping out in line for Mutt Williams and the Search For Elvis, series add-on Shia LaBeouf is man enough to take the bad news on the chin (if not on the reconstructed pinkie). In fact, while promoting his new film Eagle Eye to MTV News, he took time out to defend his much-derided Indy 4 vine swinging, blaming the "changed viewer" for negative reaction to a hallowed film franchise that, somehow, LaBeouf compares to 80's sex comedy Porky's. More »

First Shia LaBeouf broke his hand, now George Lucas breaks his heart: Speaking exclusively to MTV News, Lucas elaborated on the promised Indiana Jones 5, assuring disgruntled Indy fans that the sequel wouldn't center on LaBeouf's character, Mutt. “Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford IS Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be ‘Mutt Williams and the Search for Elvis’ or something.” Lucas then paused, later calling David Koepp to pitch him an ending where Graceland rises spinning from the ground, blasting into outer space to return Mutt to his home planet. [MTV Movies Blog]

Freeze, Motherfucker: Sometimes Defamer just has to take a stand, as we hope our recent efforts on behalf of Victims of George Lucas reflects. And such crusades are always made easier by the knowledge we're not alone. For instance, take the kindred spirit who enacted the fantasy of beleaguered Star Wars and Indiana Jones fans everywhere with this model of Lucas encased in carbonite — a riff on Han Solo's mode of transport following his enemy capture in The Empire Strikes Back. We can probably conjure lesser penalties for Lucas, but click the image for a more detailed rendering of the short-term fix that suits us just fine. [/Film]

George Lucas Promises 'Indiana Jones 5' With More Unified, Progressive Spirit of Audience- Loathing

Look, just because we want to see the guy locked up for crimes against our (and most others') childhoods doesn't mean we despise George Lucas. We're getting there, of course, but there's no denying that beneath that wavy tuft of white hair and sprawling wattle is a thoughtful, brilliant, self-made billionaire whose accomplishments as a single father aren't far behind those of the Star Wars franchise he clearly so yearns to destroy. More »

Amy Winehouse's Body Rejects Legal Drugs

A Late-Afternoon LaBeouf-In-Crisis Round-Up

As a world on edge waits to hear whether Mutt Williams will ever wield a whip again (we're hearing some encouraging news that his pinkie is out of critical care!), we bring you all the latest in the Shia LaBeouf could-have-been-much-worse DUI nightmare: More »

If You've Ever Wanted To See Shia LaBeouf Get Slapped, It's Your Lucky Day

Until today, we’d tried our best to give Mutt Williams, aka Shia LaBeouf, the benefit of the doubt. Yes, he's kind of annoying and bordering on overexposure, but we thought there were at least two good reasons why he acts the way he acts. Not only did he used to be a hot-dog selling carnie, but his vagabond dad was fond of attempting to murder him during heroin-induced fits. Taking this into consideration, we thought it would be the right thing to do to cut the young man some slack. But after watching this video clip of Shia and witnessing what happens after he does a few too many tequila shots, we're left wondering if all the sob stories about being fed marijuana at age 11 can convince us to forgive this particular display of Frat Boy antics. Is our beloved Shia really just a borderline homophobic kid who can’t shake his Echo Park upbringing no matter how many glossy magazine spreads he appears in? Judge for yourself after the jump. More »

Indiana Jones Vs. Carolina Jones: A Pornic Comparison [NSFW]

Now that we've had a chance to see both of this summer's biggest blockbusters—"Indiana Jones and the Kindgom of the Crystal Skull" and "Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant"—we think it's only fair to see how Dr. Jones measures up against his porn doppleganger. Are these sequels sympathetic to the original spirit of the Indy legend? And more importantly, are they faithful to each other? We decided to do a point-by-point evaluation to see which Jones did the best job keeping our hearts racing. (Oh, and spoiler alert!: major plot points of both films are revealed below, so if you still haven't seen either one consider yourself warned. We wouldn't want to spill which one of our heroes gets to have a threeway or anything.) [Fleshbot]

Indiana Jones and the Fair-Use Ruling of Doom

A guest post from commenter WagCurious: Lawrence Lessig and I have one thing in common: We both hate Yoko Ono. Not because she broke up the Beatles (debatable) but because she is the latest copyright owner to try to limit the application of U.S. copyright law's fair-use doctrine). Yoko sued Premise Media, Rampant Films and Rocky Mountain Pictures for using 15 seconds of her late husband's song "Imagine" in a film about intelligent design. The film, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, insists that the universe was created in six days like the Bible says, but that physics were used to do it. You can imagine how litigious Yoko must have felt when she heard that John's song would be used yet again by the religious right, this time to score points against chemistry and physics. She lost her suit against the filmmakers, but it got me wondering just how many video upload sites have restricted the fair use of content due to the threat of lawsuit. I thought a test case was needed. Thus, Indiana Jones and the Big Alligator was created and submitted to YouTube, MSN Video and Current.com. How did the sites handle the "fair use" of George Lucas' baby? More »

Explosive Behind-the Scenes Secrets of EW's Spoiler Article Revealed!

Browsing the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, we came across Steve Daly's survey of the modern spoiler, never more epidemic in the Internet age than on exterior shoots. And while some studios conceal their films' secrets by burning the entire set and even the movies themselves to smoldering rubble, we tip our cap to the more creatively minded subterfuge happening on sets from Indiana Jones 4 to Gossip Girl to Sex and the City. That's not going to stop us, though, from giving away everything that happens in Daly's piece after the jump. More »

Hollywood 2: Dawn Of The Ladies

The Brazilian wax you scheduled to coincide with your Sex and the City opening night party may have now given way to the discomforting condition known as a Bolivian rash—but luckily for you there exists no better topical salve than the weekend's boffo numbers: More »

Remember last month when we took a moment to consider the potential back-end windfalls for Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Harrison Ford should Indiana Jones 4 turn when Indiana Jones 4 turns a profit? "Crystal Skull will have to generate around $400 million for Paramount for the studio to make its money back and earn its distribution fee," Claudia Eller wrote in the LA Times. "Only at that point will Lucas, Spielberg, Ford and smaller profit participants, including screenwriter David Koepp, begin collecting their portion. Paramount will take 12.5 cents from every dollar thereafter, while Lucas and company will earn 87.5 cents." With the worldwide total pushing $332 million in five days, the film could drop 75% percent globally this weekend and still be pouring money on the principals by Sunday night. A more likely 50% drop would still split $86 million among them — with another solid month of box office ahead. Elsewhere in percentages: The likelihood of Indiana Jones 5 climbed to 100% while we wrote this.

'Indy' Proves There's Some Country For Old Men

The long Memorial Day weekend may be gone, but we'll always have fond memories of the holiday box office to warm our hearts: More »

Indiana Jones And The Vagtastic Voyage

I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull over the weekend, and I don't think I'm giving anything away by telling you that the climactic fight scene occurs in the recesses of a dank, sinister cave. I realized shortly after leaving the theater that every climactic Indiana Jones fight scene occurs in a cave, generally populated by Nazis, Russians, or some other group of anti-American miscreants. And we all know what those caves symbolize: vaginas! In fact, it seems like the Indiana Jones series is one, long, convoluted vagina dentata myth. Think about it: In the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones travels deep into the fertile crescent to find the Holy Grail; he goes through several underground lairs to find it, and while he's trying to run away, a giant crack opens in the ground. And don't even get me started on the infamous boulder scene in Raiders of the Lost Arc, wherein a big ol' rock comes rolling down a dark, narrow passageway after Indy has stolen a totemic treasure. [Jezebel]

Commie Bastards Call Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett 'Capitalist Puppets'

The dirty, no-good Reds are not at all happy about the portrayal of Cold War Russians in a new historical documentary starring Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett that's sweeping our country this weekend. "The Communist Party of St. Petersburg say the actors promote crude, anti-Soviet propaganda in their new film, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; and have urged Russia’s movie-going public to boycott the film and told Ford, 65, not to visit the country.The Communist Party’s ideology committee in Russia’s second largest city published an open letter declaring, 'Your work in this film is an insult to the Soviet and Russian people, who remember the difficult Fifties when our country was concluding its reconstruction after the Great War, but did not send merciless terrorists to the USA'.” More »

A Night Out With Karen Allen!

The Times chose wisely this weekend, dedicating its often miserable "A Night Out With" feature to super-dreamy Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull star Karen Allen instead of some dicky little 12-year-old writer who some editor found attractive. "Ms. Allen said: 'People want to see a movie that casts a mature woman across from a mature man. They’re not matching Harrison with a 30-year-old.'" More »

And Introducing Sherri Shepherd As Indinesha Jones

· We're sure Karen Allen is telling a very interesting story about how her involvement in the new Indiana Jones movie came about, but we're way too distracted by Sherri Shepherd's ghetto-not-so-fabulous sartorial homage to the legendary adventurer. [The View] More »

Indy's Box-Office Bullwhip Kills Uwe Boll, John Cusack and Rest of Competition

Defamer Attractions returns today with another round of movie scanning for your Memorial Day weekend. We already know you're planning at least two excursions to view Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (once out of drunken impulse, and once to make sure that really was the ending you saw before blacking out), but Indy alone does not a holiday make! At least one of the poor bastards sharing this opening weekend is bound to tank the worst, and yet another is a fine bit of foreign-language counterprogramming worth your consideration. And of course we've got a few new DVD choices for the agoraphobic, hungover and/or the cheapskates among us. As always, our opinions and projections are A) our own and B) impeccably fail-safe. Where should we start? More »

'Indiana Jones' PlunderWatch

Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Projections

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Even as our Indiana Jones PlunderWatch ticker moves inexorably closer to $9.5 trillion, a proportionately huge response to the new film is also taking place in high-traffic piracy circles around the globe. A bit of Defamer research (as well as a few winks from seedy, trench-coated informants in the digital shadows) reveals a surge in foreign-language torrents, including France's dynamite adaptation Indiana Jones et le Royeaum du Crane de Cristal. Another look at the soaring box-office, though — $250,000 in Belgium alone! Incroyable! — hints that little (if anything) will slow the hero's conquest as the weekend rolls on.

'Indiana Jones' PlunderWatch: 'Skull' Cracks $9 Tril in Eight Hours

Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Projections

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Expert Bullwhip Channeler Cindy Adams Has the Dirt on Every Nasty Prop in Hollywood

No one combats Indy 4 fatigue like our batty, beloved gossip aunt Cindy Adams, who today grilled one of the blockbuster's key consultants in an attempt to discover the sexy mystique of — wait for it — the bullwhip. Not just any bullwhip, of course, but Harrison Ford's $1,000 bullwhip — all 13 feet and two-and-a-half pounds of it, said whipmaster Anthony De Longis: More »

Shia LaBeouf's Father Enjoying Life In His Son's Garage Just Fine

Even as Indy 4 is poised to do mammoth B.O. this weekend, it seems that one member of the LaBeouf Snow Cone Family Circus is a bit down on his luck. Shia LaBeouf’s father, whom Shia has already outed as a former drug dealer who used to smoke him out at 10 years old, has allegedly been crashing in Indiana Jones Jr.’s garage all winter long and has yet to return to his warm weather teepee in Montana (yes, really). As Shia puts it, "We've got this little air mattress set up for him. It's very comfortable. But now it's not winter anymore and he's still there. But I can't go there and go, `Hey dad. Listen it's time to go back.' I can't make him leave." So isn’t it time we finally figure out who this longshot Father Of The Year candidate is already? You know, before he inhales too many fumes while sleeping next to his superstar son’s pricey cars? More »

Paramount Preps, Fanboys Revolt as Box Office Waits for 'Indy' Windfall

Paramount interns are plucking rose petals as we speak for Brad Grey's arrival at the office tomorrow, by which time Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Do We Really Have to Write it Out Again will be on its way to the top five — and possibly even an all-time record — for a five-day opening weekend. Most midnight screenings around the country tonight are already sold out, with at least one prognosticator firming up his tracking to reflect a $173 million opening. The number would bump the final Star Wars installment Revenge of the Sith from the number-one spot and, paired with Iron Man, give Paramount the best May in its history. More »

Harrison Ford And The Kingdom Of The Crystallized Chest Wax

With all the magnetized baked potatoes and dancing chihuahua sequences in store in this weekend’s Indy 4, it’s no surprise Harrison Ford’s next on-screen project is as simple and easy to understand as possible. As we noted weeks ago, Ford was filming spots for an environmental group that prompted him to step in as copywriter and retool the scripts. And thank goodness he did — who else could have come up with this illuminating dialogue between the grizzly manscaping actor and, well, himself? Apparently, even big boys like Ford wince when hair is ripped from their shiny manly chests using hot wax. And that’s how the environment feels. So get thee to the nearest beauty parlor, shoot the unsmiling waxer a charismatic flirty smirk or two, and save the planet already. More »

'Confessions of a Beaver Pilot' Arguably the Best Harrison Ford Movie You'll See this Week

Looking remarkably sober and well-recovered from last weekend's Cannes-diana Jones sojourn, Harrison Ford returned home Tuesday for the film's long-awaited Harlem premiere (yes, Harlem) and a requisite visit with David Letterman. The conversation quickly turned to Ford's piloting hobby — particularly his fondness for taking off in a Beaver. What? No, not a late-model Calista Beaver, but rather a vintage de Havilland model — the bulletproof kind flown covertly by the CIA during Vietnam. Naturally Letterman's audience followed his train of thought straight into the gutter, but an unfazed Ford stuck to the high road with tales of his soaring journeys into the bush. If only Kevin Spacey had shown the host so much class the night before. [The Late Show With David Letterman]

New Paramount Theme Park in Korea to Offer 'The Norbit Adventure' and Other Fine Attractions

There has been no shortage of potential cross-pollenation opportunities for Paramount Pictures over its 90 years in business, but for sheer monolithic stature and creative promise, nothing tweaks our loins quite like the just-announced Paramount Movie Park Korea. While we're mildly disappointed to hear that the park is slated for Seoul and not Pyongyang (tell us you wouldn't have been first in line for "Kim Jong Il's Marathon Man Experience"), we're glad to see the studio back in the theme-park business and eager to have a go at the 30-plus attractions planned for a 2011 opening. More »

IndyMania Continues with Gay Rabbis and Dangerous Furniture Adventures

After intrepidly (and only somewhat confusedly) parsing the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise yesterday, we've looked on in amazement as the phenomenon continues its global siege. To wit: If ever we actually wanted to see Harrison Ford return for a fifth Indy film, we can only hope it extrapolates the promise of the accompanying trailer for Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Gay Rabbi. Which looks suspiciously more influenced by the 1979 Harrison Ford/Gene Wilder vehicle The Frisco Kid, but still — it's not like George Lucas is going to come up with anything better. (via The Hot Blog) More »

Indiana Jones Review: It's Good!

Forget the jerk-ass haters: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will make you happy. "[O]nce it gets going, Crystal Skull delivers smart, robust, familiar entertainment. Ford looks just fine, his chest skin tanned to a rich Corinthian leather; he's still lithe on his feet, and can deliver a wisecrack as sharp as a whipcrack. Karen Allen, 56, who was Indy's saucy love Marion Ravenwood in Raiders, still has that glittering smile and vestiges of her old elfin swagger. They needn't break a sweat keeping up with the (relative) kids: 39-year-old Cate Blanchett, the movie's villainess, and Shia LaBeouf, who plays the young lead Mutt Williams, and who may be tapped to continue the series after Ford's retirement — at least that's what Lucas hinted a few days ago here in Cannes." Slight spoilers after the jump. More »

Just in Time For 'Indy 4,' Archaeologists Fight it Out Over Harrison Ford

Pity the poor, misunderstood archaeologist, chained to painstaking years of research and field work only to live in the cultural shadow of the globetrotting, Nazi-battling adventurer Indiana Jones. Not ones to miss an opportunity, though, the leaders of the Archaeological Institute of America have dovetailed with the forthcoming release of Indiana Jones 4 to welcome franchise star Harrison Ford as a trustee. "The group promotes archaeological excavation, research, education and preservation worldwide," notes an AP dispatch. "AIA President Brian Rose says Ford's Indiana Jones character has played a major part in stimulating interest in archaeological exploration." More »

No Time To Hit The Gym, Dr. Jones?

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