• Ha! Here's a dose of reality: The Hills "star" Stephanie Pratt tried to buy a bottle of champagne at a VMA after-party and her credit card was declined. She was later seen crying hysterically. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of "reality," apparently no real socialites want to hang out for Tinsley Mortimer's reality show, so producers are trying to concoct new A-listers to help provide some energy, because Mortimer is not "dynamic" enough to carry the show on her own. That's hardly surprising, but still amusing. [Page Six]
  
  
• There's video of Michael Jackson making the shocking confession that he was a pain killer addict. [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Grey says she will always remember Patrick Swayze — and his arms — with fondness. Funny, because we always heard that they hated one another. [ET]
  
  
• Katy Perry sure does get around — and doesn't have the best taste. The singer was spotted smooching John Mayer last Friday and then, after Sunday's VMA awards, locked lips with Russell Brand. Bleck. We need a mint just thinking about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brittany "Bre" Scullark, a semifinalist on America's Next Top Model, was arrested for disorderly conduct in New York City yesterday and berating another woman at Starbucks. We all have our ugly side, huh? [TMZ]
  
  
• Bea Arthur once described Betty White as a "cunt." If anyone could get away with talking trash about White, it was Arthur. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ouch! Kim Kardashian wanted to meet Gerard Butler, but he told a would-be facilitator "No thanks." [MSNBC]
  
  
• Oh no! Elton John announced he wanted to adopt a Ukrainian lad, but officials claim that, at 62, he's too old. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of old men: Harrison Ford says he's signed on for the fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Because the world needs more bullshit movies, right? [People]
  
  
• Colin Farrell has successfully impregnated his girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda. [People]

Yes, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was squeezed out of the Oscars effects race, bested by Australia's virtual cattle stampedes, and—lo, the stinging irony—a string of Brendan Fraser Indy knockoffs, i.e. Journey to the Center of the Earth and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Surely nothing in either those second-rate matinee adventures approached the verisimilitude of Skull's Shia-swinging jungle escapades or Russkie-devouring red ants.

The seven finalists:
Australia
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Hellboy II
Iron Man
Journey to the Center of the Earth
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The voting procedure is unusual in that it is open to the public. A "visual effects bakeoff," free and open to everyone, will be held January 15 at 7:30 p.m. at the Samuel Goldwyn Theater, where finalists will screen 15-minute highlight reels. The voting will occur immediately after, so long as no unforeseen problems get in the way—say, the projector making Benjamin Button look diarrhea-colored, or George Lucas streaking through the theater in protest.

• Semifinalists enter visual effects race [Variety]

Maureen says she hit rock bottom shortly after auditioning for Steven Spielberg for his then-film, Raiders of the Lost Ark. "It was one of the worst auditions of my life," she says. "I was asked to meet Steven Spielberg. I was high and I had missed my meeting with him. I was totally spaced out... been up for days. He offered me an orange...he probably thought I was sick."

Just think of the alternate universe in which Marcia Brady would have replaced Karen Allen in Raiders of the Lost Ark, thus ensuring a post-Celebrity Fit Club comeback in this year's Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Sadly, McCormick's involvement in the franchise likely would have led to a whole new round of unsettling revelations ("One time, while high on opium, I took on Harrison, John Rhys-Davies, and that guy whose face melted off"), but after South Park has had its turn with Indy, is there really any more despoiling left to be had?

• McCormick Talks Cocaine, Abortions & Syphilis [The OK!]

Nikki Finke heard that the folks at Paramount didn't know that Comedy Central, which is also owned by Viacom, would be harshly and extremely criticizing their precious little summer cashcow. Will heads roll? No, probably not. It's allllll just publicity and stuff. Though anything that Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the boys behind South Park) can do to stop the supposedly in-the-works Indy 5 from happening, I'd appreciate it thanks.

"It's automatic, really, we did well with the last one and with that having done well and been a positive experience, it's not surprising that some people want to do it again," Ford said.

I asked Ford who specifically is stirring up the idea of another revival, whether it was Lucas, Spielberg or the star himself? "Really, it comes from the ethos, from the ether. It's natural. It's a way of nature, of course, success breed opportunities ... also we don't stay as closely in contact as we have in the last year, that's part of it." [...]

"It was never a lead-pipe cinch," Ford said. "It was a calculated business risk but I believe it paid off. I was somewhat surprised and gratified to see it did the business that it did. It was successful in almost every market. The first time we showed it to a disinterested outside audience was at Cannes. That's a crap shoot of the first order. Not only is that audience sophisticated and film-knowledgable, it's French! And it's their country and their festival and we somewhat expected to be seriously slapped around. But we were not, we were embraced...it was very gratifying."

No problem — we can help with that. Still, we can't foresee even the most spectacularly acclaimed Indy film outpacing the last one for sheer anticipation and return on investment; have you taken a look at the Indiana Jones PlunderWatch™ Ticker recently? You want a crap shoot of the first order, Harrison? Beat that.

• Harrison Ford says George Lucas in 'think mode' ... [Hero Complex]

Might "nuking the fridge" have been more palatable if it were followed by a scene where Indy, Mutt, and Ray Winstone spy on Cate Blanchett through a peephole in the high school locker room? Or are we subtly being prepared for an Indy 5 involving the mythical Quest for Teenage Tail?

• Shia LaBeouf Defends 'Nuking The Fridge' And Other Fantastical 'Indy 4' Moments [MTV]

Which is why a revealing London Times profile of Lucas has us so torn today. Yes, we can accept Lucas's preoccupation with raising a female cagefighter by himself as a likely contributor to Howard the Duck's downfall. Fine. But, no — no, no, no — we cannot believe he actually thinks Indiana Jones 5 is an idea worth squabbling over with anyone, let alone Steven Spielberg:

Really, though, [Indiana Jones 4] was a challenge getting the story together and getting everybody to agree on it. Indiana Jones only becomes complicated when you have another two people saying ‘I want it this way’ and ‘I want it that way’, whereas, when I first did Jones, I just said, ‘We’ll do it this way’ — and that was much easier. But now I have to accommodate everybody, because they are all big, successful guys, too, so it’s a little hard on a practical level.

“If I can come up with another idea that they like, we’ll do another. Really, with the last one, Steven wasn’t that enthusiastic. I was trying to persuade him. But now Steve is more amenable to doing another one. Yet we still have the issues about the direction we’d like to take. I’m in the future; Steven’s in the past. He’s trying to drag it back to the way they were, I’m trying to push it to a whole different place. So, still we have a sort of tension. This recent one came out of that. It’s kind of a hybrid of our own two ideas, so we’ll see where we are able to take the next one.”

Wow. Just as we think that's a thinly veiled acknowledgment of the film's inarguable awfulness, we know it portends a billionaire battle royale between Spielberg's hoary throwbacks and Lucas's planned '70s-era LeBeouf showcase Indiana Jones and the Doomed Left At LaBrea. With another trillion at stake (give or take; according to the still-active Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Ticker™), here's hoping for an inevitable resolution we can all tolerate through nubby, ground teeth.

• George Lucas: Mr. Emperor strikes back [Sunday Times]

• Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital after maybe mixing up some "medication" she is on to fight drug addiction. The basketcase British singer was released within 24 hours.
• For some reason Page Six is reporting that Marc Jacobs did marry Lorenzo Matrone, even though two of Jacobs' PR reps denied the story to Fashion Week Daily.
• In other weird denied-gossip news, Lindsay Lohan is still refuting reports she was struck by a motorcycle Saturday, but supposedly she is simultaneously acknowledging to friends she went to the hospital around that time. "But [she] won't tell anyone why. It's really odd." [R&M]
• Chace Crawford and roommate Ed Westwick, both of Gossip Girl, stayed within a foot of each other throughout a recent Ting Tings show. They also supposedly ignored a bunch of "flirty girls." [R&M]
• Rosie O'Donnell was going to be in Les Miserables? And now she's not because her kid broke his wrist?? The tigers really do come at night. [Showbiz Spy]
• Indiana Jones star Shia LaBeouf wasn't just busted for driving drunk — he was also busted driving around at 3 am with actress Isbael Lucas, aka the girlfriend of Entourage star Adrian Grenier. [Daily News]
• Now you've gone and forced Britney Spears to make another reality show. Sigh. [X17]
• Jerry Seinfeld's TV mom doesn't even has his phone number. Right, because she's his TV mom, not his real mom. Get in line, lady! [P6]
• Sad George Michael was delayed by weather on his jet trip to Boston for his concert tour, then had to wait for Sting and Bruce Springsteen to take off first. [P6]

· Grenier, meanwhile, is reportedly displeased that she was out partying with LaBeouf at 3 a.m. Asked for a status update, Grenier was reportedly "testy...and refused to comment." [NY Daily News]
· Shia's mom Shayna LaBeouf spoke to reporters from Cedars-Sinai, where she's been with Shia since the accident. She said he's "doing fine," and was close to tears as she said "thank you, thank you," to concerned fans. [E!]
· Gold Derby blog's Tom O'Neil takes out his gilded switch and raps Shia lightly on his non-injured hand. If you expect to win Oscars, young man, we'll need to see some shaping up in the DUI truck-flipping department! [LAT]
·Transformers 2 co-star Tyrese was asked if he thought the reported month-long hiatus might affect Shia's involvement in the film, to which he responded: "A month? He won't be in the hospital for a month. He just hurt his hand. He can afford a private nurse." [MTV]

"The phrase was born on May 24—two days after the film opened—and it went viral on movie message boards. In barely a month, it has blown through several Web. 2.0 benchmarks: YouTube tributes, 'fridge' haikus, merch-hawking Web sites, 'Word of the Day' status on UrbanDictionary.com. 'You're expecting [the movie] to be as great as you remembered it,' says Beth Russell, creator of nukingthefridge.com, 'and after the fridge scene, it was like, Oooo-K.' A new legend is born, for all the wrong reasons." [Newsweek]

After watching the video several times, it seems that Shia appears to call his taller friend a "faggot" and then begs the friend to smack him (which, frankly, is what we wish Ryan Phillipe would've done to Jay Leno). Which he feebly does, prompting a smile and hug from Shia. The whole scene eerily reminds us of what life must have been like for Ryan on The OC in Chino before he was rescued by Peter Gallagher and his warm and fuzzy eyebrows. But despite LaBeouf's offensive behavior, we can't but help giving — spoiler alert! — the son of Indiana Jones Shia is merely a victim of manipulative friends. Just as the clip ends, a bitchy girl's voice is overheard saying, "I need that video." Yes, meaning she needs about five grand from TMZ in order to buy whatever stupid designer bag she's been eyeing lately. Still, this does not excuse the careless dropping of homophobic slurs by the man Graydon Carter appointed as the Future Tom Hanks. While it's important for the young actor to broaden his appeal, it's not worth catering to the redneck crowd in order to do so.

• SHIA TO BUDDY: 'SMACK MY BITCH UP!' [TMZ]

. . .

Costumes:
Even though she's pictured in the trademark fedora on the cover, Ava Rose's Jones generally opts for the topless look, eschewing the Indy's customary leather and khakis for a more breezy, summertime feel. You never know when a quick costume change might help you slip into a particularly well-guarded tomb.
Advantage: Carolina

Tools:
Indy uses his trusty whip for just about everything, while Carolina, oddly enough, opts for a boomerang with which she pummels aggressive suitors.
Advantage: Indy (But only because you can't swing over a pit of snakes with a boomerang.)

Sidekick:
In "Temple of Doom," Indy adopted Short Round, a small, wisecracking Chinese boy with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond his years. In "Broken Covenant," Carolina adopts Dixie (played by the adventurous Bree Olson), a buxom, wisecracking Southern girl with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond her years. (Sample advice to her companion. "You've got a pussy, dont'cha? Use it or lose it!") Short Round distracts guards by running between their legs. Dixie just fucks them.
Advantage: Carolina (Duh.)

Villains:
Never trust shady European treasure hunters with white hair! Indy is haunted at every turn by dirty Frenchman René Belloq, then turncoat Walter Donovan, then Soviet minx Irina Spalko who wants to mind rape everyone in America. Meanwhile, Carolina is seized by a crazy old coot who nearly kills her and her friends in his backyard. However, none compare to Arnold Toht, the evil Gestapo agent who is both creepy and psychotic, burning the key to the Well of the Souls right into the palm of his hand without missing a beat. Fortunately, each one of these people eventually get their faces melted off.
Advantage: Indy

Evil Henchmen:
Bad guys in all the movies employ an army of faceless olive drab clones who are either German, Russian, Nazi, or all of the above. Carolina's pursuers can also be spotted driving leftover Soviet trucks, so all your evil empire bases are covered.
Advantage: Draw

Femme Fatales:
Nikky Blond (as Helga) bears a striking resembles to "The Last Crusade"'s Alison Doody, though she dies much earlier. But what a death it is, coming shortly after a boning session down in the catacombs.
Advantage: Carolina

Accents:
We're not sure which was more forced—Bree Olson's high-pitched southern drawl or Cate Blanchett's fussy Russian dominatrix. But Bree is just so adorable, we can't possibly knock her down.
Advantage: Carolina

Gruesome Fates:
Besides the spiked dildo to the head above, the most striking parallel between the two films is that both "Crystal Skull" and "Broken Covenant" feature a scene where the bad guy meets a horrible end at the tiny claws and teeth of ravenous, man-eating fire ants. Not a good way to go. Having honey poured on your cock before they devour it is just adding insult to injury.
Advantage: Carolina

Treasure:
Carolina is also on the hunt for the Ark of the Covenant; the very same artifact that made her dad famous. (Yes, you read that right .... Carolina is Indy's daughter! And much better behaved than her greaser brother, if you ask us.) Papa comes to the rescue to save the Ark and his brood, which is a little disappointing, because we think Carolina could have handled herself just fine. Just like the last time, foolish people pay for messing with the Ark and the Jones family, although the aforementioned face-melting still makes us cringe to this day. Advantage: Indy

Sex:
Indy is a legendary cocksman, bagging lady friends from Nepal to Vienna to Shanghai. Carolina, however, does not follow in his footsteps. In fact, she's only had sex with one man in her whole life! He was a suave treasure hunter who broke her heart and left her unable to love. (That's why his penis gets eaten by ants.) The tables are turned however, when "Crystal Skull" finds Indy settling down with his baby mama while Carolina finally buries her man troubles (literally!) and makes up for her lack of sexual experience in a big way.
Advantage: Like you have to ask?

And the winner is ... Only one movie this summer will give you action, adventure, treasure, and a sizzling hot anal threesome. We think the choice is clear.

· Adam & Eve's "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (official film site @ carolinajonesxxx.com)
· Order: "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Adult DVD Empire)

* * * * *

Previously: Ava Rose In "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Yes, That Was Quick)

YouTube was a breeze. Though they insist you should "not upload any TV shows, music videos, music concerts, or commercials without permission unless they consist entirely of content you created yourself," they also explain the "fair use" exception to this rule, in detail. They do, however, leave budding filmmakers with this warning, "if the copyright owner disagrees with your interpretation of fair use, the copyright owner may choose to resolve the dispute in court". YouTube knows a thing or two about being dragged into court. But being a sport, they allowed my upload to go live.

Current.com was also a big fan of existing legal doctrine. They let me post both the video itself and a link to the YouTube video. Both show up in the first page of results when you search for "Indiana Jones". I have to remember to send Al Gore a "thank you" note.

MSN Video was not quite as kind. MSN Video would not publish the film (which includes 80 seconds of the "Indiana Jones" theme song). My guess is that they matched the audio track to a library of copyrighted material, since just five days prior someone had no problem adding "Watch Indiana Jones 4 Movie" to the site (a silent film that displays a link to a Myvix rip of the film). And there's the rub.

When automated filtering systems are created in response to the threat of copyright lawsuits the result is that good, honest people get trampled underfoot while the actual pirates simply work around the barrier. You can still find an Indiana Jones rip using MSN Video, but you cannot find my brilliant treatise on tempo as it relates to the work of John Williams. Blame Yoko Ono: Most upload sites do not have the resources to change filtering technology each time a new copyright ruling comes out. Once a draconian filtering system is put in place to please copyright owners, it will take more than imagination to get creators' "fair use" rights back.

Seriously, spoiler phobes beware: Don't read any further if you crave the integrity of this latest thrilling installment in the EW canon!

· "Exterior shot" is among the scariest phrases currently making the rounds among hotly anticipated scripts.

· Harrison Ford's call-sheet code name on Indy 4 was "#"; Cate Blanchett's was "Mean Girl". Producer Kathleen Kennedy is fed up, but accepts that it's part of the territory. Not even Iron Man was safe from "pesky snappers"!

· "Can't anything be done by way of defense?" Daly asks. Unless you're shooting on private property, no. Kennedy is still frustrated.

· Daly again: "What happens if the script calls for a scene in an urban spot, like downtown L.A. or the steps of the New York Public Library? You might as well paint targets on the actors' backs, because that's when the general public shows up along with the professionals." (God, when will the hoi polloi just get over it? — Ed.)

· Gossip Girl's producer says even a closed set isn't really a closed set these days.

· Steven Spielberg foiled paparazzi in New Mexico by posting pictures to Indy's official Web site before anyone else could get a shot of Harrison Ford in costume.

· This is HUGE: Comic book movies are the hardest to defend, sometimes yielding bad buzz that's impossible to deflect: "'It directly affects PR, and drives when you release images to the public,' says Marvel's [Kevin] Feige. 'We want to be the first ones to unveil it. Not some scooper with a camera phone.' "

· After weeks of enduring cameras everywhere they turned in New York, Sarah Jessica Parker finally gave up for one scene in Sex and the City: "'It just wasn't worth the risk,' she says. 'We put it inside. We were a little bit worried about it feeling too small. But I think it ended up working really nicely. I hope so.'" [Cha-ching! — Ed.]

· Finally, the shocking twist ending: Daly didn't write alone! "Additional reporting by Missy Schwartz, Tim Stack, and Adam B. Vary." Fuck, what a letdown. The critics will kill it.

• Spoiler Nation [EW]

1. Sex and the City - $55.7 million
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Take a moment to gaze up at that big, shimmering, fuscia number for a moment, and see if your heart doesn't race just a little bit. From coast to coast—from giddy Wall St. traders having the Sex quartet tattooed onto their backs, to Chicago area tollbooth workers handing out free Cosmos and relationship advice, to Las Vegas tourists running for their lives as four towering Sexbots, manned by what remains of New Line's Special Events and Promotions department, trampled cars and small businesses beneath their eight-foot-high Jimmy Choos—there really was no escaping Sex and the City this weekend.

And people managed to find the time to see the movie, too—$26.9 million's worth on Friday alone, and more than enough to make Sex the Highest Opening Ever for an R-Rated Comedy™. Its 85% female audience instantly metamorphosed into a fearsome nation of gender-inversed fanboys, queuing up for repeat screenings in highly specific costume ("I'm recently-dumped-by-Post-It Carrie!"), and arguing that the Samantha anal-sex subplot was handled to far greater effect in Season 4's "tuchus-lingus" episode. The game, as they say, has changed.

2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - $46 million
While alien-shaped candy bowls with mystical, Russian-detonating properties have given way to massive Manhattan apartments with walk-in closets as moviegoers' supernatural MacGuffin of choice, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas's prairie-dog-riffic ruination of a beloved franchise only managed to drop "a respectable 54%" in its second, regrettable weekend at the box office.

3. The Strangers - $20.707 million
A lesser triumph was Rogue Pictures' execrably reviewed The Strangers, which both succeeded in greatly exceeding box office expectations, while ushering in the next chapter of Liv Tyler's once-promising, now-slumming- with-Scott Speedman-in-B-horror-movies career.

4. Iron Man - $14 million
As Ben Stiller's nephew Carl pointed out on last night's MTV Movie Awards, for the traditional fanboy wanting top-tier entertainment, Iron Man is still the only game in town—at least until Dark Knight comes out, and which point Iron should be pooping nuts and bolts.. In the meantime, enjoy this encore of the Soldered One kicking Kung Fu Panda, who's already getting on our nerves, in the panda-nuts.

5. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - $13.016 million
An additional 43% decline to a puny third week take elicited yet another statement from Disney head Robert Iger, who blamed, "the days of Saturday and Sunday, traditionally the most overcrowded leisure time of the week—full of swimming pool, barbecuing, and sports-watching alternative options" for cutting into the sequel's receipts.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE May 30-June 1, 2008 [Box Office Mojo]