If Russia Really Did the DNC Hack: Thanks, Russia!
One bizarre strain of analysis about the recent hack of the DNC’s emails is: “Hey, the real story here is that Russia is trying to influence our election, which is bad.” That’s crazy!
Venezuela: Fucked
The Venezuelan military has seized control of the nation’s major ports and has been placed in charge of distributing food in an attempt to deter murderous, starving food bandits. That is not even the worst news.
Good Lord--Guy Gets Mistakenly Shot With a Missile. Talk About Mistakes!
When I think “unfortunate mistake,” I think about getting handed the wrong change at the grocery store. I don’t think about having my nice day spoiled by an ever-loving supersonic missile!
America's Great Friend Saudi Arabia Will Whip a Poet For His Poetry
The good news is that Saudi Arabia has changed its mind about executing a poet for “the contents of his poetry book.” Then there is the bad news.
North Korea Ready to Go to War Over Aggressive Leaflet-Scattering
Humble Shining Sun Who Lights Our Path, Honorable Leader Kim Jong Un, has put North Korea on war footing over South Korea’s outrageous imperialist puppeteer provocations. To the barricades, fellow well-fed anti-imperialists!
Israel Should Be in Germany
Israel and Palestine are warring again. Civilians are dying again. Families are losing their homes, and chaos persists. Again. This would not be happening if Israel were located somewhere that makes more sense: in Germany.
China's Government Takes on The Real Enemy: Starbucks Prices
China is afflicted with slowing economic growth, widespread poverty, and toxic air. And high prices at Starbucks. The Chinese government is definitely ready to address at least one of these issues.
Indie Dance Band Kidnapped for 30 Hours in Mexico
Holy hell, this is harrowing. This past weekend, Delorean, an electronic-pop act from Barcelona, performed at the Mexican installment of the Mutek Festival and on Monday morning, they were still at their Mexico City hotel when an emergency call came in, urging them to vacate the premises due to a shootout. They…
Breaking Development in North Korea Crisis: 'Leek Widely Used for Dishes in Korea'
North Korean leader Kim Jon Un has placed his nation's missiles on standby and announced that he is targeting the American mainland. The leader has made recent brash public gestures of militarism, and the Pentagon has vowed to strengthen our nation's West Coast missile defenses in response. With tensions between the…
How Dare Someone Try to Shoot Down One of Our Drones?
Sound the war bells, grab your gear, and prepare to man the bombers, fellow Americans: the dirty nation of IRAN has wiped its shit-stained bootheel upon our national sovereignty, in the following manner: they shot at one of our spy drones. We say it was outside of Iranian territory; they dispute that. Either way, the…
Being Dumb About the Internet Made Guy Shoot U.S. Soldiers
Arid Uka, a 21 year-old from Kosovo, has confessed to the March shooting of four U.S. soldiers at the Frankfurt airport, which left two of the soldiers dead. Uka says he was "blinded" by "lies and propaganda."
Dutch Citizen Turned North Korean Columnist Was Held Against Will
Stamp collector Willem van der Bijl, who disappeared in North Korea only to re-appear with a praiseful op-ed in the state-run Pyongyang Times, has returned home. Turns out he'd been arrested! So, take his column with a grain of salt.
Venezuelan Politicians Brawl in the National Assembly
Venezuelan politicians: when they're not holding boob job fundraisers, they're brawling in the national assembly, as they did yesterday, when this spat between a pro and an anti-Chavez legislator turned into one of those big "everybody rush the stage and watch other people pushing each other" nightclub-style fights.…
Iranian Nuclear Scientist: World's Most Dangerous Job?
One Iranian nuclear scientists was killed today and another was seriously injured in separate, simultaneous car bomb attacks. Did we do that?
More Than 30 Dead in Somalia Hotel Attack
In an incident with shades of the 2008 Mumbai attacks, at least 33 people—including six politicians and an 11 year-old boy—have been killed in a Mogadishu, Somalia hotel, in an attack by anti-government insurgents. [NYT. Pic: AP]
Thai Protesters Live the Recession Dream
Sick of all these rich guys' crap, Thai protesters went ahead and set the country's stock exchange on fire today. "Earlier in the day, Thailand's benchmark index finished up 0.7% on hopes for a quick resolution." Efficient-market hypothesis: disproved. [WSJ]
Faisal Shahzad Succeeds in Making a Global Mess
For an incompetent terrorist, alleged Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad sure is provoking a lot of international incidents.
Times Square Car Bomb Suspect Got Training in Pakistan
The FBI has filed its criminal complaint against Times Square Car Bomb suspect Faisal Shahzad. In it, they say that Shahzad admitted that he "recently received bomb-making training in Waziristan, Pakistan."
Tired, Poor, Huddled Masses: Stay In Haiti
America's message to Haitians, blared from an airplane: "If you think you will reach the U.S. and all the doors will be wide open to you, that's not at all the case." Y'all can fight over MREs at home. [NYT]
Soldier-of-Fortune Pirate Eradicator: Even Better Than Piracy
Everyone knows that Somali pirates are a lovable, ragtag group of devil-may-care adventurers living the dream of millions of daydreaming office workers. But, whoa, now the WSJ says ships are carrying anti-pirate guards, with real guns? Is that even safe?
