They’d been wanting an Olive Garden for years. They’ve done surveys over the years—what restaurants would you like to see in Sioux City? For twenty years, the Olive Garden was at the top of the list. I didn’t have a beat. I was on the copy desk for fifteen years and was just getting back into writing. I had been doing some faith-based and medical stories. The business editor had some kind of problem that day, so I filled in and did the story. It was a boring story, but people were expecting something kind of big, because to them it was a big event. I wanted to have a little fun with the story.

Sioux City residents were "camping outside for two months" when the Olive Garden opened.

Let it be noted that John Quinlan is a good-humored man who is, in fact, a real journalist who has written real stories for many years. I salute you, sir. With breadsticks.

[CJR]

“I won’t do stolen documents, I won’t do medical records if someone hands it.” He tossed someone out of his office for trying to shop Michael Jackson documents because he was sure they were stolen from a law firm...

Even Levin can still be shocked: “When Britney Spears was in the hospital, it was shocking to me but we were contacted by medical personnel. ... You really have to draw the line.” They don’t skip medical stories—TMZ broke the Dennis Quaid story about his newborn twins being overdosed and might report on how Spears is doing anecdotally during a hospital stay. The hardest decision Levin’s had to make: publishing Alec Baldwin’s voice-mail tirade aimed at his daughter.

He lost some sleep over that one.

[Paid Content. Watch a clip of the interview here]

WSJ: Tell me about your lucky red backpack, which you wore to your first Spanx sales meeting at Neiman Marcus.

Ms. Blakely: It's just an old-fashioned Eastpack from the early 1990s. When I first cold-called Neiman Marcus to sell Spanx, my friends all begged me not to bring it and to buy a Prada bag instead, even if I had to return it the next day. It's my lucky bag, although I think seeing my butt [in Spanx] actually worked more than the backpack. I had no shame — I took the Neiman Marcus buyer into the bathroom, and as soon as I came out of the stall and she saw my pants [with the Spanx underneath], she said, I'll buy 3,000 pairs.

Remember: Always. Be. Closing. By using your butt.

WSJ: Ms. Paltrow is actually one of many actresses who has praised Spanx. Did you have a moment when you knew you had "arrived"?

Ms. Blakely: Actually, it would have to be when Gwyneth told the press she attributed her post-baby body [after the birth of daughter Apple] to Spanx, and said that all the celebrities wear them two pair at a time on the red carpet.

This is simply misguided. You want something even better than Spanx? Try THIS on for size, Gwyneth:

[WSJ. I am aware that nobody cares about my opinion on "Spanx."]

"Ohmygod. You're not going to do this to me, are you? Tell me you're not going to do this. Oh come on! It's been such a long time. Hire somebody that knows enough that we don't have to explain this again."

Here's the rest of Anderson's primer on how to handle a passive-agressive journo who's trying to act all cool.

I saw the last movie, but I didn't watch all nine seasons.
I mean, nobody did. Did they? Yes. There are some people that did. But that's cool. I love running into people who have no idea what it's about.

Was it hard getting back into character?
It was a little odd. It was more disconcerting than I anticipated. I expected it to be a breeze. But I tried so hard since the series ended to do things as different as possible from the character. When I was faced with making acting decisions on that character again, my brain started backfiring and internally combusting.

You're a mom now. Do you travel with all your kids?
All my kids!? You make it sound like I have a bushel.

You've got two and another one coming. How far along are you?
About five and a half months. As I recall.

What else have you been up to lately?
I travel a lot and have bought and sold a lot of houses. I like doing up houses and getting into the architecture. I've spent a lot of time doing that in various places in the world.

Like where?
London, California, Canada. There's another country that I've just added that I'm not going to talk about because it's private. So that's four continents.

California and Canada are on the same continent.
It doesn't sound so special, then. Never mind. Your voice is actually very similar to Ben Affleck's voice. Has he ever told you that?

No. Are you sure?
Well, you probably wouldn't be able to tell. But if you were standing next to Ben, people would say, "Are you brothers?" Or maybe not standing next to, but talking next to and somebody else was behind a screen.

Can I use that as a pickup line?
You absolutely can. You have my permission.

A journalist said interviewing you is like wrestling a crocodile.
What does that mean? I have no idea.

Did you try to bite him?
Metaphorically.

[Newsweek]

[Big Think]

[Big Think]

My creepy questions I never really planned on asking her are staring me in the face. Ricci looks at my notepad, and sees this lad-mag question: "If you're with a guy, how many times a day?" I'm mortified for even writing it down.

"Oh," she says dismissively. "All men think that women who don't drink are obsessed with sex. It's a male fantasy. If you don't drink, then you must be a sex addict. Like I haven't heard that one before."

"Harmlessly predictable," she continues, noticing I've turned a shade of red even more crimson than usual. "Not predictable," she corrects politely, "but a harmlessly stereotypical belief."

Just don't stand up and run out, I beg her.

"I won't yet," she says.

And she doesn't.

Bonus—Ricci on Vincent Gallo: "He's crazy, and he's an asshole. He's not... nice."

New York magazine recently called you a "stealth slut." What does that mean?

More often than not, whenever gossip has been written about me, the gossip is more interesting than the reality. I know some public figures hate gossip, but personally I like it because it makes my life sound more glamorous and interesting than it really is.

A part of me wants to sort of try and sound cool and feed this myth that I'm some sort of glamorous lothario, but I was raised by women — my mother and her mother and my aunts — and as a result most of my friends have always been women. So I guess some people in the media will see me with lots of different women and assume that I'm dating all of them, and as unsexy as this might sound, they're just my friends. Of course, I'm not a saint; occasionally I go out and get drunk and go home with a stranger, but I'm not at Tommy Lee levels or anything.

My, thanks! But Moby, how to you keep up this frantic Lothario pace at your age?

Is it a little bit more difficult now that you're older, staying out late and going to clubs?

No — if anything, I go out more and stay out later now than I ever have. The only difference is, the recovery time is longer. When I was 19, going out and drinking all night, by noon the next day, you're fine. And now, the hangovers really do last 24 hours. It's almost like every hour that I'm out drinking is going to involve four hours being hung over. The ratio just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

See, as a barely functioning alcoholic, I've tried every hangover cure. I'll stumble into the deli, and they'll have some new Russian hangover medicine, or I'll read online that it's all about bananas; it's potassium. The only thing I've found that works for me is water and Xanax. You take a Xanax, you drink a lot of water, you go to sleep for six hours, and that usually helps.

"I do my due diligence," she said. "What do writers do? They gather facts from a variety of sources. So what's the difference? Do I have more knowledge than any given writer or editor? Probably. Because they're just focusing on their one story."

You've been such an ally to the gay community that you've taken some heat for it — like when you stated in an interview that gays were "superior to straight people." Do you stand by that?

Yeah, and I also said that if and when I ever have children, I want gay children, which didn't really endear me to the Christian right wing of America. There are a lot of people in the world who are virulently homophobic or misogynistic or anti-Semitic, and what baffles me is that if you just look at it empirically, gays, women, and Jews are certainly responsible for far fewer violent crimes than straight white guys. They've started fewer wars, and they tend to be well educated, fun to hang out with, and they have nice homes, bars, and restaurants.

....

You've described yourself as "neither straight nor gay." Do you consider yourself bisexual?

I just like to think of myself as being pretty open-minded. Also, you never know what the future might bring, so I have no idea. It's a cliché to say this, but in a perfect world, the dichotomous definition of straight and gay would probably carry less weight.

Fine, hush now!

Andrew Sullivan in The Atlantic: "It was excruciating. Beyond embarrassing. Extraordinarily painful..."
Rachel Sklar at Huffington Post: "Exclusive and excruciating...Oh gosh...uncomfortable to watch..."
Paul McLeary at CJR: "painful"
The New York Times: "excruciatingly embarrassing"
Carpetbagger: "unusually awkward"
New York's Daily Intel: "quietly uncomfortable"
Washington Blade: "cringe-inducing spectacle"

Lauer has been alternatively dragged across the coals and praised for his interview strategy, but our own favorite soundbite came from Doug Elfman in the Chicago Sun-Times, who asked the Today Show host, "Did you ask him why he's a big liar?"

Lauer's answer? "That's not my job... My job is to ask middle-of-the-road questions and let the audience judge for themselves." Well! Uh, good job?

A side note: Those of you interested in sabotaging a coworker's computer today should do a Google search with the following search terms: "larry craig" "painful" and "excruciating." The Internets says you're not old enough to go there! My eyes!

Earlier: Gawker Readers to Interview Tom Suozzi

Suozzi's campaign will not get the questions in advance of the interview, though Suozzi will be given the questions right before he goes on camera, at which point he can decline the whole affair (he may be desperate, but he's not insane). So our collective challenge is to come up with questions that are worth a damn and yet not so outlandish that the distinguished gentleman will refuse to play. And just so you know, they're still very leery of the whole marijuana thing; if that gets asked at all, it would have to be in a very roundabout, novel, or tricky fashion. Also bear in mind that we don't really care if our questions are hard-hitting investigative inquiries. We just want some good video, and if possible, a little squirming. So go nuts. The best four questions will be chosen by your Gawker editors and sent along with our 31-person video crew when they bag & tag Suozzi for the interview. Send your questions to gawksuozzi@gmail.com.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Frank Portman (Dr. Frank of the punk band Mr. T Experience) has written a book called King Dork that's an indictment on the Catcher In The Rye generation(s) and involves, he says, "at least half a dozen mysteries, plus dead people, naked people, fake people, teen sex, weird sex, drugs, ESP, Satanism, books, blood, bubblegum, guitars, monks, faith, love, witchcraft, the Bible, girls, a war, a secret code, a head injury, the Crusades, some crimes, mispronunciation skills, a mystery woman, a devil head, a blow job, and rock and roll." Early reviews are here and here. Welcome to his blog book tour.

First, watch a video "trailer" for the book and listen to Dr. Frank read from it.

Now for some Q&A:

In your back catalog of 10,000 songs there's a mocking number called "I Wrote a Book About Rock-n-Roll." That's not exactly what you've done here but it's close enough. What gives?
It is a book about rock and roll, and I am aware of the irony, obviously. That song lampoons rock critics who think they are rock stars (pretty much all of them, more or less.) But the leap from pretend rock star to pretend novelist is actually not all that great, as it turns out. So maybe I was just a bit wrong about rock journalism back then. I mean, maybe the criticism really is more important and exciting than the thing allegedly being criticized, even though the fact remains that you can't dance to rock criticism no matter how hard you try. Or maybe I was wrong about that, too.

I believe it was possible to twist-n-shout to some of Brent DiCrescenzo's Pitchfork reviews but feel free to name any rock critics you care to call out on this. And what do you think of the current state of rock journalism/-ists? Are music blogs finally achieving the great 'zine dream of championing citizen rock journalism to wipe Spin and Rolling Stone off the map completely?
Well, I guess the kids will dance to anything these days. Talking about rock music always benefits from informality, which is one reason why most people are less irritated by something goofy or pretentious on a music blog than they would be if the same thing appeared in print. You can close the browser or leave a snide comment if you want. But if it's in The New York Times, you automatically think "how much are they paying this guy?" and start to hate yourself or reach for your revolver as the case may be. That's not to say there isn't good formal rock journalism; there is. The best policy is, stop reading at the first mention of Adorno.

So much for goading you into trash-talking about Chuck Klosterman or Gina Arnold. Anyway, Tom Henderson, the book's anti-Holden, has a smart younger sister Amanda who is nothing like Phoebe Caulfied in Catcher In The Rye, but Tom points out that's because P.C. didn't have "a crazy mom, a dead father, a goofball step-father, and a King Dork brother" and didn't grow up in "blank, characterless Hillmont, CA" but rather "rich, atmosphere-laden, fancy pants Manhattan." Be that as it may, let's jump ahead years after the conclusion of the book — does Amanda Henderson eventually move to hipster Brooklyn or Oakland?
I hate to break it to you, but in later, as-yet-unwritten events, Amanda comes to a rather sticky end. A 19-year-old Amanda makes a brief appearance in the book I'm writing now (not at all a sequel, though it takes place in the same town.) Basically Amanda tries very hard to be normal, doesn't make it, and ends up overdoing the backlash. A tale as old as time.

If my calculations are correct — and I'm basing this on certain landmark dates around a '93 Geo Prizm — this story takes place in the fall of 1999. Yet, these are nerdy kids in their sophomore year of high school living in the San Franscisco Bay Area during the first dot-com boom and there is no mention of computers, the internet, or the apocalyptic fears of the Y2K bug. Not even a Prince reference of what we're gonna party like. Please reconcile or correct my confusion.
Yeah, well done: Fall of 1999.

There are two ways to answer that question, and they approach the same thing in a way. The first is that Tom is an isolated, solipsistic person who is more or less uninterested in the world around him except in the areas of rock and roll, his dead father, and girls. He never mentions the date because he doesn't care what date it is. The only dates he cares about are 1993, when his father died, and 1975 when the Sweet released Desolation Boulevard. He doesn't have a computer in his room. His stepfather has a Mac, but to get online you have to unplug the phone cord and plug it into the back of the computer. Then every time your sister tries to pick up the kitchen phone you get disconnected. Plus she yells at you and mimics your walk or something. It's not all that worth it in the end, especially if you have no friends to email anyway. Tom does have an interest in looking at dial-up usenet porn on Sam Hellerman's computer, but mostly he creates his own porn in his head. As one does.

The other way to look at it is, I as the author didn't want to get bogged down with a lot of date-specific references to technology and pop culture. So I cursed my narrator with this intense isolation and narrowly focused worldview, and with an interest in 70s rock, just to make it easier. My goal wasn't really to recreate 1999 in every detail. Authors sometimes try to do that, in order to make the story feel more true to life, but I often find that it has the opposite effect. You know the type of thing I mean:

It was 1985. "Reagan is our president," I thought to myself, as I sat down on my futon couch and switched on the news. Dan Rather, looking much younger than than his 54 years was reporting on Billy Joel who had just wed Christie Brinkley in a private ceremony. Apple had just introduced the Mac II, I realized suddenly, wondering if this whole New Coke thing was going to work out....

Tom's friend Sam Hellerman is more tech-focused and engaged with the world, and if he were narrating the story, it would be quite different. Tom doesn't mention it, and maybe doesn't even realize it, but Sam Hellerman is actually pretty Y2K obsessed, and spends a lot of time trying to convince his parents to convert their assets to Krugerrands just in case.

OK, I'll buy that, but what do you think blogs, MySpace and other social networking websites have done to the classic teen novel, or adolescene in general for that matter?
I almost hate to admit it but: myspace.com/doctorfrank. MySpace is like Usenet with pictures. As far as I can see, it beats hanging out at the mall.

One thing I have learned from the MySpace profiles of kids who have stumbled into my or my band's orbit is that quite a lot of them at least claim to spend a great deal of time reading books. That's better than most "adults," in my experience, if by "better" one means, "more likely to read my book." That is in fact how I mean it, of course.

Why do all the literary coming-of-age classics seem to have a Catholic angle but then adulthood hits and all the storylines become vaguely or overtly Jewish? (If that doesn't make sense, let me put it another way: Graham Greene vs. Woody Allen, discuss.)
You know, I think this question may actually be a bit too deep for me.

That concludes the formal Q&A. Now Frank will perform a previously unreleased song from the book, "I Wanna Ramone You" (acoustic version).

The Litzkrieg Bop Blog Book Tour for King Dork continues tomorrow at Stereogum, followed by Largehearted Boy, Brooklyn Vegan, and the Jane Mag Guest Blog.

I don't drink very much, and I encourage people I'm around to not do so either.

Without an alcohol problem, you can only go so far in this town.

LAist Interview: Vanessa Grigoriadis [LAist]

Early in the article, you admit to wearing American Eagle jeans. As AE is Abercrombie s main competitor, did this compromise your integrity while reporting? Also, what sort of hot gay dude admits to wearing American Eagle?

BDL: If I had it my way, I'd wear sweatpants to interviews. But thanks for calling me "a hot gay dude."

Well, you always have to butter up your subject. After the jump, Denizet-Lewis reveals Jeffries' "classically handsome" past and dodges our important questions.

Jeffries sounds OCD and insanely fixated on aesthetics. Could this be because he's relatively unattractive?

BDL: From what I'm told, for a long time he was a classically handsome man.

That just doesn't seem possible. I think Jeffries is secretly Jewish, was cut from the lacrosse team in 8th grade and got his ass kicked throughout high school. So he changed his name a la Ralph Lauren and the rest is history. Could this be?

BDL: Jessica, you're so "cynical."

When you were told that you looked really A&F, did you finally feel complete as a person?

BDL: That's between me and my therapist.

You re gay and have gaydar. Was Jeffries putting any blips on your screen?

BDL: Since when do gay guys automatically have gaydar? My gaydar sucks.

Pity! Then again, you also wear American Eagle jeans. Anyhow, do Abercrombie execs wear flip-flops year-round, or do they just make their salesclerks suffer?

BDL: My guess is that they wear shoes if their feet get cold.

Was this piece originally for Radar? And does Radar still owe you money?

[Denizet-Lewis declines to answer. Heh.]
[Update: He didn't mean to skip that question. Yes, he got paid by Radar. And, presumably, Salon. Cash money, B!]

When I was in high school and very stupid, I applied for a summer job at Abercrombie. I was never called back, which is like being told you're hideous. A year later, I was flipping through the sale racks and a manager approached me, out of nowhere, and asked if I wanted a job. Had something inside of me changed? Did they sense my blossoming womanhood?

BDL: A&F managers are told to approach attractive customers and ask if they have an interest in working there. The manager must have thought you looked like an "A&F girl."

Well, I was unshowered, hungover and wearing flip-flops at the time — so I guess that makes sense. Why do you think Jeffries backed out of the interview?

BDL: I can't say for sure, although I can speculate that he got nervous.

Maybe he was nervous about looking like a big 'mo. Speaking of which, if Jeffries were a flower, he d be...

BDL: A rich one.

The Man Behind Abercrombie & Fitch [Salon]

It's like seeing two animals going at it, unconscious of what they're doing. How far removed from that are we? How different is it from a couple of dogs fucking in the schoolyard and looking in two different directions with their tongues hanging out? You gotta wonder. I gotta wonder, anyway. Perhaps someone else hasn't been as driven as I have been by this chunk of flesh hanging off of my groin - Is this ground zero? Is this the center of the universe, this ejaculate?

Dirty Pretty Things [Nerve]

Krucoff: So Collegehumor.com is a trail littered with beer cans, green buds, and big boobs. How did this journey begin?
Josh: Well, Ricky and I started Collegehumor.com in December of 1999.
Ricky: We were best friends in high school and then went to different colleges.
Jakob: and then Ricky "discovered" me
Krucoff: In a strip club, right?
Jakob: Please, no jokes. I started working on design and programming for the site - really crossing its bridge into the 21st century.
Ricky: It was the height of the dot-com boom. Josh's brother worked for a big internet advertising company.
Jakob: I think we arrived around the time that high-speed in-dorm net access was first ubiquitous.
Josh: We started off by putting flyers over urinals actually, no joke!
Krucoff: That s certainly viral, in a literal nasty way.
Zach: It just snowballed from there. Since college students are online a lot, Collegehumor.com was passed around like wildfire and submissions poured in. Of course, all of this happened in the later end of the dot-com boom, so interest from large advertisers was still accumulating and CollegeHumor quickly became a national brand. A perfectly organic, grass-roots startup.
Krucoff: Right, now the important stuff: Does your website get you laid?
Josh: No
Jakob: Yes
Zach: Yes.
Jakob: It's not like someone sees the site and says "that specific photograph of the dog with puke on it makes you irresistibly sexy." It's more that our involvement in a popular site and company is appealing to women of all shapes and ages.
Krucoff: So what you re saying is that when you buy women drinks with all your crazy Internet cash, that s hot to them.
Ricky: Yeah, apparently girls like money.
Jakob: I think they're more attracted to my ability to manage a database of 50,000 images than anything else.
Zach: We are pied pipers leading a generation of kids obsessed with sophomoric humor. People look up to us, as sad as it seems.
Krucoff: So you guys are ready to use this platform to get tons of NYC ass?
Ricky: We're going to start at the heart of NYC- taxi drivers and hot dog vendors first. Then we'll work on the other professions
Krucoff: Think hot dog in a tailpipe, you'll do well here. Moving on: I've been told Midwest college girls are the biggest sluts of all. Friends, girls no less, describe their years at Ohio State as an "all you can eat buffet line" — which shocks me since my own experience at the U. of Maryland was more like a velvet rope in front of a funeral parlor.
Zach: They are all corn fed. Hardy.
Ricky: That's rad. Let me drop a hot new college vocab word. Blueberry muffin. Noun. A girl who gained 10-15 lbs but still wears the same clothes she did in high school. For an explanation, look at the part of the muffin that flops over the wrapper.
Krucoff: Mental picture snapped, thanks. But these muffin girls are the first ones to say yes to a beer funnel, right?
Jakob: If the beer funnel is filled with chocolate milk, I guess.
Krucoff: So were your own college experiences filled with the usual sex and drugs?
Ricky: One time Jake had two threesomes with four different girls in the same 2 week period.
Jakob: Yeah. I had a lot of sex. Most dudes at Rochester Institute of Technology aren't exactly "dateable" so there wasn't much competition. Also, most people at RIT aren't exactly "into acid" either.
Zach: Like this instance, Ricky's foreplay came in the form of sharing other's sex gossip.
Krucoff: And spiking drinks with hallucinogens?
Zach: no comment.
Jakob: no comment
Ricky: no comment
Josh: no comment
Jakob: next question please.
Krucoff: Okay, that's four no comments and I call one big bullshit. So, you guys were rocking the unsuccessful indie band look pretty hard the other night. Are college campuses rampant with that? Is there any differentiation between frat dudes and the kids who hang out in the food co-op listening to Fugazi?
Ricky: Fugazi? When did you go to school again?
Jakob: The important thing is that we realize that every person has one special label that applies to them. The key to getting through life successfully is to identify that label as soon as possible so that you don't have to do much thinking or listening in your interactions with them.
Ricky: When we label, we enable.
Krucoff: Right, it's hard enough to understand people and their different opinions. Pigeon-holing is so much easier and preferable.
Ricky: Also, if this is going to be on Gawker, can I start a rumor that I saw the Olsen twins in Tribeca snorting Rogaine?
Krucoff: Consider it on Page Six tomorrow.

Short-lived and admittedly not always spirited, this was to be our grand finale in the daily 5X5 Interview series. We were determined to go out with bangs and strippers. To the tune of $160, 5 lap dances and 6 $10 Budweisers, we "interviewed" ladies from all corners of the globe, Santa Cruz to Romania. We were fearless Admiral Byrds in a trek to the West Pole. Take a peep after the jump.

Lara, Barcelona
Hi, what's your name?
Lata.
Is that Russian?
No, La-RA! I'm from Barthalona.
Oh I speak some Spanish, I spent some time in South America.
That's nice, I've never been.
How long have you lived here?
Two years.
Are you here for good?
No no. I love Spain too much and my family is there.
Do you dance in Spain?
Yes, but not like this.

Lillian, Iceland
Hi, where are you from?
Iceland.
How long have you lived here?
Two years.
So, it must be tough living through 6 months of no sunlight.
It's different.
Mentally, damn, I think I'd go crazy. I probably would have to drink everyday, meditate or something.
Shhh, you enjoy dance.

Jade, Japan
Well hello to you too, what's your name?
I am Jade.
Ohh, that's exotic. Where are you from?
Japan.
My friend here is marrying a Korean girl next week. They're the enemy, right? You better not touch him.
(blank stare)
How long have you lived here?
One year.
And how much do you love New York?
I love it so much!
So tell me, how many of you work the floor?
Around 40.
Really? I think some are hiding.
There are private rooms upstairs. Come on, we go, you like.
Maybe later, thanks.

Aspen, Santa Cruz
I'm having a great time, how is your evening?
Ready to get it going, I just got here 5 minutes ago. Wanna be my first dance, sweetie?
Sure. What's your name?
Aspen.
For real?
Well, it's my middle name.
Do you have hippie parents?
Oh yeah, I'm from Northern California.
All that Humboldt County weed, must have been fun.
I grew up farther south in Santa Cruz.
You surf?
Of course!
(Let the record show that I refrained from the "I'm hanging ten" joke here.) Do you surf around here? Maybe the Rockaways?
No, too dirty and stinky.

Anna, Romania
Hey there, of course you can join me. Wow, you're quite the skinny-minny.
Thank you! You like my body? I'm very tight.
I bet, you must work out. So what's your name?
Anna.
I'm detecting an Eastern European aroma, where are you from?
I come from Romania.
Bucharest?
Yes! You know geography!
Well, they make us learn in school...
Are you a writer like your friend?
Uh, kinda-sorta.
I knew you guys were cool. You guys are so cool! What do you write?
Some small stuff about New York, media, gossip.
Ohh, Page Six!!
Something like that.
Can you put me in Page Six??
(in my most serious voice ever) Yes, I can get you in Page Six. Actually, I contribute to a website called Gawker that covers media, gossip, etc.
I love Gawker!!
What? You know it??
Yes, I read everyday! I like to read where parties and celebrities are. I read where Paris Hilton goes and then I want to go there. Do you go to fancy parties?
Oh sure, all the time. If I'm not running around downtown with Middle Eastern oil barons, then I'm attending Upper East Side cocktail parties and putting out my cigarette in an ashtray fashioned from George Plimpton's skull.
You guys are so cool! Do you want a dance?

—Andrew Krucoff and Chris Gage have left the building. They will return next week in some bizarre incarnation that we can only hope involves writing in speedos.

Age: 35
Occupation: Journalist, seer
Where do you live: Los Angeles

1. La Innuendo: The next Spy? The next Onion? Or just a couple of kids putting out a photocopied 'zine from their mom's basement? Oh wait! I get it now! It's like a real fancy business card for getting real writing gigs!?

How dare you. This interview is OVER. Where's the craft services table in this dump anyway?

Okay, I'm back. Mostly, we are a low-rent Spy for people who love the things that they hate about LA.

2.You write the Intelligence Report for Vanity Fair, own a trend-spotting firm in LA, and were a former field advisor to Bill Clinton. Quite a resume. I picture you in your office dressed like Richard Belzer and firing interns with the glee of Satan. You are all-powerful! Do children run away from you when you enter the room?

That is exactly right on all points except replace the crummy detective's suit with a Chinese silk dressing gown and ascot. And children are not allowed within 30 feet of me.

3. Let's face it, culture lives on the East Coast. We all know the other coast has bleached their brains out beyond use. How bad is the inferiority complex for writers, artists, etc. out there? (Yourself not included, unless you want to be.)

Say... East Coast culture... writers with inferiority complexes... brain bleaching... You know, I think this could be a great film project. If you could just come west for a couple weeks to flesh it out, I know this producer who would option this in a heartbeat!

Just kidding. I don't really know that producer. But be honest with yourself — for a moment there you were seeing yourself floating down Sunset Blvd. in your convertible Hummer, touching up your deep-brownish red tan, surrounded by Olsen twins, drinking caviar-flavored Mai-tai's from Faberge eggs. And THAT, my friends, is the point of Hollywood: in the flash of one throwaway lie from me, you — top of your field, fantastically well educated, internet "Snark Specialists" — were willing to toss it out with last month's Details for a drink from the brass ring. Which, let me assure you, really does taste that good.

On top of which, 100 years from now, grad students will be turning out dissertations titled: "Reflections of Identity: LeBlanc at Mid-career" while the works of your big-shot New York Jarmusches and Benzas are being ground up for robot food.

4. Let's say I'm looking to start a fad. Not something as big as a trend, just something small to begin with. Can you offer any illuminating advice on how to get people to start wearing Quacker Factory outfits to Bungalow 8?

Someone once told a great Confucian aphrorism: Sit by the river long enough and all the fads will swim by. Which was Confucius's slightly messed up way of saying — Trends come, trends go. But what brings life true meaning is positioning yourself so you can say you predicted them.

That said, we know from media history that the exact number of people doing something it takes to confirm a trend is one, provided that person is either at least slightly celebrity or went to Harvard or Brown. Quacker Factory uniforms, in fact, tie into today's (reality show, post-literate, return to youth, neo-colonial, insert your cliche here) zeitgeist in ways that an ambitious style reporter could easily explain in 1500 words. So bribe your closest Ivy League or celebrated essayist buddy to "get quacking" within a thousand yards of the nearest lifestyle journalist and get ready to declare happy duck sweaters are so so so last month.

5. Your assessment of the August '04 is of Paper is quite perceptive. How often do you find yourself looking down on the poor media hacks who have to write these things? I mean, seriously, the mag trade is just publicists swapping spit. Don't they deserve our true pity?

Having done my finest work in the pages of Office Depot Magazine and soared the rhetorical heavens with my treatise, "How to Clean Your Juicer" for the late, much missed, howto.com, my heart bears only love for my hac brethren. I rejoice to Paper's celebration of Vincent Gallo. And I find the descriptive gymnastics journalists perform when forced to turn in 2500 words on their 25 minute coffee with hung-over teenage actors, to be, in a well-chosen phrase, thrilling.

My Five Favorite Alternate Universe Names for Myself (according to reliable internet sources)
Porn Name: Freddy de Cortez
Third Grade Insult Name: Lieutenant Bashful D. Stupid-Butt
Anime Fan Name: Magical Pretty Fish Bishie Penguin-San
Vampire Name: Claudius Choiseul
Rock Star Name: Ron Neil

Age: 33
Occupation: Filmmaker, Writer
Location: Brooklyn

1. The Richmond Times-Dispatch reviewed your book about flipping people off, Field Guide to the North American Bird, along with a bunch of others, by saying, "I am not recommending that you buy or even check these books out. In some cases, I'd suggest you steer clear of them." This is your place to retaliate. To them you say...

Et tu Richmond?

2. Are there any verbal extras that go well with the Cell Phone, Peel the Banana, or the The Match, three variations of bird flipping? I prefer to follow it up with "Suck it" or "No, dad, I won't become an accountant. I'M AN ARTIST, DAMMIT!"

I learned, over a thousand years ago, that a picture was worth 2800 words. A picture today, if you adjust for inflation and other textual variances, is worth approximately 113 words (98 if you are Canadian). So, to answer your question, Yes. I think it is important. My favorite verbal extra is add this to your bank account and let it accumulate interest at one and one-quarter percent compounded! It is a bit of a mouthful, but it can really sting. I am a large proponent of saying Kicking Dick as opposed to Kicking Ass . This is just an aside.

3. The film you're developing, "Tall," is a look at people of immoderate height and the positive and negative effects of being oversized. That Peter Dinklage dude was getting too much press. Really, that's why you did this, right?

I don t know if Peter is a Dwarf or a midget, but some issues with being short parallel issues of immoderate height. There was a good documentary by Lisa Abelow Hedley and Bonnie Strauss called "Dwarfs: Not a Fairy Tale that demystifies the lives of dwarfs. There is a segment in that film where a high school senior undergoes a series of extremely lengthy and painful operations to that stretch her leg bones to a height of 5-feet-1, a full foot taller than she was. On the other side of the coin, there is a procedure in which they try to suppress the suspected height of prepubescent girls by giving them extremely high does of estrogen. This too can be painful procedures as it causes a host of side effects. People seem to go through extreme measures to ensure that they, or their children, can be considered normal . Peter, if you are reading this, I love you just the way you are!

4. Um, from Des Moines, to Hampshire College, to Portland... to NYC? Was this a necessary step to become a media mogul, because I'm sure you're walking around NYC in a state of constant terror... at the lack of flannel and hay. Ha! Totally kidding. Please, don't run me over with your tractor.

I think I have learned a little from each place. It is really hard to quantify what I learned, but here is a list:

Growing up in Des Moines taught me the importance of smoking pot.
At Hampshire College I learned that I was a special private school kid who had something unique to add to the world, and that I was entitled to everything I ever wanted.

In Portland I acquired the knowledge that rainy days get you down a lot more than Mondays.

And, New York City is a constant lesson stating that I am neither unique nor I am entitled to anything I want.

5. There are so many ways to love NYC. Climbing the Empire State Building in a gorilla costume, stalking Michael Musto, hell, just buying hotdogs goes a long way. How do you, kind sir, love this fair city?

The best part about living in New York is the eavesdropping. When my wife and I go to restaurants we can spend most of the time listening to our neighbors conversation and make snide comments later. But the pinnacle of this type of behavior comes when we happen to run into a couple fighting on the street. We are happy to walk a few blocks out of our way to follow a good fight. That is what you get by living in a walking town.

Top 5 things I would like to Banish from the Planet Earth:

1. Milk. If I may quote the great Arnold Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron, Milk is for babies. Beer is for men.
2. Olives. They are the pits. Get it?
3. Gum. Just something I have in common with Singapore.
4. The term silly, unless used properly like I am gong to slap you silly .
5. Spelling. I can t do it, so lets get rid of it.

Age: 36
Occupation: Writer
Location: Brooklyn

1. Having penned a little something in celebration of the subway's 100th birthday, what would you do to make these rollercoaster death rides more comfortable for those of us who do not like them enough to celebrate the beast's centennial?

Interesting that you should mention beasts. I was recently speaking with Bonnie, daughter of Dolly, the cloned sheep, on this very subject. She shared her thoughts with me, which were spot-on.

She said, not as sheepishly as you might expect, One of my mother s great hopes was to live to see the completion of the infamous 2nd Avenue line. Rather then believe that that hope died with her, I prefer to trust in the MTA when they say they will have a fully operational East Side line by the turn of the next century. If we can produce a mammal in a petri dish, goddamnit we should be able to tunnel up 2nd Avenue. The massive crowding on the 4, 5, and 6 lines must be mitigated. As it is now, a rush-hour passenger waiting at any of these platforms need only lift her hooves off the ground to be carried away with the throng and packed into the arriving car like cattle on their way to the slaughterhouse.

2. Two big moments in your life were random events that led to big things: (1) You met the man in charge of editing and publishing Leonard Bernstein's music and unexpectedly told him you were going to work for him, which you did two months later, and (2) you met a Random House editor on the 4 train who later went on to publish your work. Do you believe in karma, and do you thank your lucky stars daily?

I think I believe in focus more than anything else. I get the oh you re so lucky line every now and then. But it hasn t been luck as much as it s been good fortune paid off after mountains of enervating grunt work. Bernstein s assistant, my editor at Random House, these people didn t approach me after all, I approached them. For each of those fortunate encounters, there were dozens upon dozens of poorly executed and often humiliating phone calls, letters, meetings, and lunches that went nowhere. That produced nothing. Nothing except a thicker skin. The thing is not to lose focus. You can t take rejection too hard. Even after Random House was ready to sign me, I still had agents who refused to represent the novel, who still thought me an untalented fly-by-nighter unworthy of their time.

As for karma, I lump that in with nepotism and trust funds. I actually know a couple artists who ve made good careers off that lot. They re the ones always looking behind them, threatened, afraid of who s coming up next. They d do better to thank their lucky stars and take a tip from their stockbrokers: never look back.

3. Your novel, Behind Everyman, has the tagline "a novel for guys and the women who rescue them." Having not received an advance copy, I ask out of total ignorance if this was written to reverse the "chick lit" trend and come at it from a man's side?

Well, the book comes at the familiar story of boy meets girl from the man s perspective, in the same way that perhaps Hornby s books do. But I think my book, while written for guys, will actually find a bigger audience with women. So the subtitle is there to appeal to them, a little group hug tagline, something to welcome them into the fold.

4. Writers often compare their novels to children, saying, "Which one of my books do I like the best? Oh, I could never answer that. That's like asking, 'Which one of my children do I like the best?' " To which I ask, how are your ovaries feeling these days? Got another one up in ya?

(Intentional unabashed plug follows; producers, directors, studio heads, take note:)

To keep on the train track here, I really have written a script based on the subway. Not just a mockery like in my Newyorkish piece, but a real TV pilot in the spirit of the great HBO shows. No one has picked it up yet, but then again, no one has really seen it either. I ve been too busy putting the finishing touches on my second novel, tentatively titled The Pervert, the Hypochondriac, and the Feminist.

5. New York question for a New Yorker: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to relive?

Call me a masochist, but I wish I d been in NYC during the 70s. Especially 76 and 77. The Blackout, the graffiti, the bell-bottoms, some of the best Top 40 Hits of all time: Play That Funky Music, Right Back Where We Started From, the theme from SWAT, You Should Be Dancin, Tonight s the Night, Brown Sugar I don t know, maybe it s because I was only nine-years-old at the time, but I d love to do it all over again. This time in a real city.

Top Five Most Humiliating Jobs

5. ASCAP Spy: In college I worked as a real, honest-to-goodness spy for ASCAP (American Society of Authors, Composers and Publishers). My partner and I were basically paid to shut down strip clubs that weren t paying their licensing fees. With hidden Dictaphones and a wad of singles, we d spend a couple hours in a club, sometimes traveling across three state lines to get there, and notate every song that was played. Most Humiliating Moment on the Job: One of the strippers was giving me a lap dance and said, Sheeeet, someone s got a nice package. Sadly, it was only the Dick-taphone she rubbed up against.

4. Roy Rogers: One of my high school jobs. For the first couple weeks I actually liked this job. All the free French fries a guy could eat? Hell yeah. Most Humiliating Moment on the Job: Discovering a few weeks later that all the other workers were throwing cockroaches into the Frialator. No joke. Haven t eaten at Roy Rogers since.

3. Texaco: I was fifteen-year-old at the time. Underage. The only job I could get because my father rented an apartment he owned to the manager of the station. Paid under the table, of course. I had to ride my bike after school several miles in the snow sometimes all for a whopping $4/hour. Most Humiliating Moment on the Job: Any one of the many conversations with the other, much older, drugged-out, grease monkeys that worked the pumps:

Grease Monkey A: Yo! Man! I got so fucked up last night down at Ott s!

Grease Monkey B: Man, I don t even remember last night. Me and Jimmy went to the Priest concert got a hold of some serious fuckin weed. Yo, Dave (they were always calling me Dave) what did you do last night man?

15-year-old Dave: Ummm. Played Atari?

2. Video Store: Sometime after Texaco and before Roy Rogers. I was paid minimum wage to reshelve video boxes at the local video store (VHS had just hit, but most people were still renting BETA tapes at that time). Most Humiliating Moment on the Job: Whenever anyone I knew came into the store.

1. Arranger for the accordion-playing polka-bandleader, Johnny Dyno: Though the pay was okay ($100 per arrangement), who really wants to spend their college weekends cranking out parts for a ten-piece polka band, arranging such hits as the Slovenian Picnic Waltz and The Irish Washerwoman ??? Most Humiliating Moment on the Job: When Dyno called to complain about one of my charts. He said the alto sax part was too difficult. He said, Whodaya think I got on the horn? John fucking Coltrane? I was so ashamed I hung up my hat as an arranger for good and went down to the local Texaco to see if they had work. At least now I could boast about how shitfaced I d gotten the night before.

—Andrew Krucoff and Chris Gage conduct a daily interview series for Gawker.

Age: Thirtyeverything
Occupation: Wractress
Location: Los Angeles