Original Teen Mom™ and Britney's kid sister Jamie Lynn Spears has seen some shit in her 23 years, which is perhaps why she was able to allegedly shut down a violent brawl at a sandwich shop last weekend by pulling a huge knife.

Britney and Jamie Lynn give thanks for french fries. "Kim Kardashian is dead," but it's only a publicity stunt. Portia de Rossi walks all over Ricky Martin. Monday gossip is sick of leftover turkey.

And why are birthdays such polarizing affairs? Did Jessica Simpson buy her own engagement ring? Did Britney's insanity make her parents fall back in love? Tuesday gossip is a toddler who keeps asking, "Why?"

The Levi Johnston-Bristol Palin custody battle finally ends. The Lohans talk about their daughter. Nicole Richie got a new cat. Miley Cyrus wants a boob job. What's more humiliating than being dumped via press release? Welcome to Saturday Gossip Roundup.

• Lots of celebs turned out for the Super Bowl in Miami. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were there (and were spotted "kissing, hugging and laughing," so if you were worried that they'd broken up, you can rest easy). Also on hand was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (who were chased by…

Kim Kardashian's gigantic ass and chewtoy/boyfriend—New Orleans Saints player Reggie Bush—descend on Miami. Let Diddy be Diddy. Madonna's vagina is funny. Kristen Stewart got someone fired. Tiger Woods: excited to jack off? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

Alec Baldwin turns 51 today. Eddie Murphy is turning 48. Pop princess Leona Lewis is 24. Amanda Bynes is turning 23. 90210's Jennie Garth is 37. Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, is turning 67. Former ski champion Picabo Street is 38. Legendary actress Doris Day is turning 87. Actor David Hyde Pierce is 50. And Skid Row…

• Madonna's kicked boytoy Jesus Luz to the curb and is thrilled to be single again, reports Britain's Daily Mail based on the things she's been telling fans on Twitter. But as the Times reminds us today, lots of celebs only pretend to use Twitter, so you don't have to give up hope entirely just yet. [DM]
• In…

• If you're out shopping and you find yourself facing off against Kelly Killoren Bensimon for the last dress in your size, let her have it: The former model and Real Housewives star was arrested and charged with third-degree assault last week after punching her 30-year-old boyfriend in the face, leaving him with a…

Magazines! Nightclub appearances! The once easy-access revenue stream for desperate celebrities is swiftly drying up in the shadow of this New Depression.

There's something about that wily British press that can extract a flat-out mea culpa from interview subjects where hundreds of American journalists have tried and failed. Frost did it with Nixon, and now the Daily Mail does it with Lynne Spears, mother of Britney. No doubt, a ragtag group of journalists and producers…

It was just last December when knocked-up teen Jamie Lynn Spears attended a showing of knocked-up teen comedy Juno, and oh, how we all larfed! The parallels, they were strong! The imagined glances between Jamie Lynn and mom Lynne, so awkward! Now, though, Star is revealing an extra wrinkle that might have made that …

After weeks of doling out clips to a Cheeto-starved global audience, MTV finally aired the paparazzi cautionary tale entitled Britney: For the Record last night. "No topic was off limits," boasted the introductory crawl. "No question went unanswered." And no follow-up question went asked! Thus, we left the special…

[Pop singer Britney Spears with her actress sister Jamie Lynn at an alligator farm near their Louisiana home yesterday; image via INF] Weegee's bored's new line beats the original, "Well There It All Went, Huh?"

Teen pregnancy just isn't the Oscar-nominated, tabloid-cover romp Hollywood makes it out to be, according to a new report released today in Chicago. Amid the gloomy data noting 400,000 such births per year (at a public cost of $7.6 billion), experts cited increasing cultural influence among girls who look to…

♦ Not only did Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony renew their vows at 3:15 a.m. in Las Vegas on Sunday, they did it in a joint ceremony with Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran and his wife Jessica. [E!, People]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson tell friends they're planning on dressing up as Todd and Sarah Palin for…

No one knows if Jamie Lynn Spears is really pregnant. But former tabloid queen Bonnie Fuller has a rather fanciful theory for why Spears got knocked up (if, that is, she's pregnant in the first place): "Like everyone else in the country, she's a victim of Palin Fever. But in this case, it's Bristol Palin mania. My…

♦ Michael Phelps is telling people he's single even though he's actually dating Miss California runner-up Nicole Johnson. [R&M]
♦ Peter Cook's interview with Barbara Walters airs on Friday, but Christie Brinkley's lawyers now say he violated a confidentiality agreement by speaking with the network. [OK!, ABC News]
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