Pop singer Spears and her teenage, be-babied sister Jamie Lynn used to get paid for giving exclusive content to the gossip rag, but now new publisher Kent Brownridge has tightened the belt and Spears patriarch Jamie refuses to do business with them. OK! has banned its staffers from attending any Spears-related events (State Fair pickle jar guessing contests, Arby's ribbon cutting ceremonies, etc.) as well. As the magazine industry declines on its own, its peripheral celebrity remoras will just have to fend for themselves.

Much like kinda-celebrities who survive on appearance fees, another facet of the famous face machine that seems in decline, will have to strike out alone on their own two wobbly legs a bit more than in years past. Sure some folks like Chloe Sevigny still get hefty sums to show up to parties and look bored, but New Year's Eve proved to be lonely and profit-less for many a Z-list red carpet hog. Reality stars, who rely pretty much solely on useless appearance payouts to subsidize their crappy condos, will especially suffer in this new, miserly world—in which they have no practical talent or ability. The nightlife industry—restaurants, clubs, burlesque houses—are all immediate victims of recessiony tough times, and we'd bet that some of the first things to be whittled away from budgets will be the exorbitant sums once spent to have some Real World cast member show up and do shots in between yawns.

This decline seems partly the fault of the whole industry becoming just way too transparent. Even celebrities who give their magazine hauls away to charity, like Angelina Jolie, are catching heat for their pay-me-because-I'm-famous deals these days. A celebrity who's way less altruistic, but still as public about their big money arrangements with magazines and various nightclub venues, looks to be facing some insurmountable odds—as people become grizzled and hardened by stark economic futures, these bozos' pursuit of splashy, glittery lives achieved through very little work becomes less forgivable (may we be venturing into "unconscionable" territory?) People are just too concerned with actual important things (i.e. themselves) to tolerate all of this high-gloss chicanery. (For example, last night's Golden Globes broadcast brought the ceremony its lowest ratings in 12 years.)

We'd offer our condolences to some specific peeps, only we can't remember any of their names right now.

There was a point, admits Lynne Spears, mother of Britney, when she toyed with the idea of calling her autobiography It's All My Fault. 'I can laugh about it now, but did I feel that way at the time? Yes, I did and, if I'm being totally honest, I still do,' she says. [...]

'When her life was such a success, what did she need me for? And when things took a turn for the worse, I was out, because other people - dancers, managers - were closer to her, and with her day and night. Being a mother, you can't help but have regrets about what you did and didn't do for your kids, and I'm no different,' admits Lynne. [...]

At the time, friends of the star were worried that she might try to kill herself - a fear shared by Lynne. 'Yes, I did worry that that might happen,' she confesses. 'I couldn't see Britney, and you worry more when you're looking at things from a distance.'

Sadly, questions about Jamie Lynn's pregnant lipo were mired when Lynne Spears went into long, oddly digressive anecdotes about Vietnam and Kissinger. Still, at least our nation can finally begin to heal, our long nightmare finally given a flaccid-cheeked, sputtering scapegoat crying, "I'm saying, it's NOT illegal when a stage mom does it!"

• Lynne Spears: I'm to blame for my Britney's meltdown [Daily Mail]

Jamie Lynn had just finished her hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 when she found the weight piling on. Not realizing she was expecting, she pleaded with her mom, Lynne Spears, to let her get liposuction, says a source.

"She didn't know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure," a second source reveals. "Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient."

Moms-to-be are advised against the procedure.

To say the least! Still, at least newborn daughter Maddie has (forcibly) learned a Spears family tradition early on: gorge on all the pre-natal Cheetos you want, then eliminate them not through diet or exercise but through Dr. Bashir. Foolproof strategy, y'all!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Jamie Lynn's Secret Plastic Surgery [Star]

1. Just how many girls does Britney know who have shaved their head? When asked by an overly solicitous, never-seen interviewer why she had gone to Tarzana to shave her head, Britney began what would become her usual pattern: instead of giving the obvious answer (typically, "Dude, drugs"), she uttered an even weirder non-answer. "People shave their heads every day," she explained. Yes, but women typically don't, unless they're Sinead O'Connor, or they have crash-landed on a lice-infested prison planet with an alien in tow. Instead of rebutting her, the interviewer asked, "Why didn't you tell anyone you were going to do it?" as though Brit-Brit had placed it in her appointment book five weeks prior. We think they all found out about it PDQ, homes!

2. Really? No mention of Sam Lutfi or Adnan Ghalib? The documentary effectively made constant attention from the paparazzi seem both terrifying and awful. So, you know, why did Britney date one? Alas, in this special produced by her manager, she never once uttered the names of Adnan Ghalib and her sedative-dispensing Svengali, Sam Lutfi. Even K-Fed barely rated, earning only one actual mention.

3. Where was Britney's mom, Lynne Spears? Though Britney's father figured heavily into the documentary, cooking his daughter cheese grits and patiently enduring her never-ending slams of him (while thinking, "She's my cash cow. Don't talk back!"), mama Lynne was nowhere to be seen. Was she taking care of a similarly M.I.A. Jamie Lynn, or was the special taped during her "How I Fucked Up My Kids" book tour?

4. What was up with Madonna's face? Late in the documentary, Madonna appeared to subtly woo Britney into a better, more spiritual, more Kabbalah-friendly-if-that's-what-you're-into-and-I-can-give-you-the-books way of life. Sadly, we were too distracted by the Material Girl's face, which appeared to be coated with a lower-jaw CG mist not sighted since Kim Catrall swanned her way through the Sex and the City movie.

5. Did Britney don a beret and then pronounce it "buh-rette"? As tickled as we were by what appeared to be an unwitting, on-camera homage to the famous "Ver-sayce" line from Showgirls, a second viewing reminded us that Britney was probably drawling a command to her assistant, Brett. Narrowly avoided, Spears. We'll meet again.

Weegee's bored's new line beats the original, "Well There It All Went, Huh?"

In each case, the real and fictional teens come from supportive, financially stable families, and seemed to be on track to have an array of future opportunities that a more typical teen mom might lack.

"It's been glorified all over the place," said Evelyn Rodriguez, 34, a New Yorker from a low-income background who gave birth to a son at 15 and now, after more than a decade of juggling jobs and classes, is on the verge of earning a college degree.

"People who don't have the money and great support, they say, 'Oh, wow, they're doing it — it's cool,'" said Rodriguez, referring to Spears and Palin. "But it's not cool. I've been through it. It's a job. I don't appreciate what's going on out there making it seem so beautiful, when it's not."

The panelists went on to agree that the Spears/Palin stories remain missed opportunities for a "serious national discussion of teen motherhood" — and that's not even counting the steep cultural cost of Diablo Cody winning an Oscar and maintaining a blog. We have seen the Third World, and it is us.

• Teen motherhood: Celebrity buzz belies its cost [AP]

• Three months after giving birth, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is said to be pregnant. Everyone's freaking out, "pals are begging her to abort." If only there was a national political leader, preferably experienced with teen pregnancy, who could guide the celebrity family in these trying times. [National Enquirer]
• The boyfriend of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus might be 20 years old, but he's "a good kid," according to Cyrus' dad. He's "searching for the dream," whatever that might be. [People]
• Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are hoping groping each other in public will lead to a more meaningful reconciliation. Apparently "taking it slow" includes ass grabbing. Fair enough. [People]
• Is it really surprising to hear Angelna Jolie had a tummy tuck after giving birth to twins? The real question is whether she got the French government to pay for it. [Star]

You and Jamie Lynn got some negative press when she got pregnant so young. But more recently, 17-year-old Bristol Palin, and her mother, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice presidential candidate, found themselves in a similar situation. And the public reaction has been different.
It's a totally different reaction. It's as if [Sarah Palin] became celebrated. I mean, the mother, Palin, was celebrated for this. Every woman in the world has applauded her strength and her convictions and poor little old Jamie Lynn — you saw how she was crucified. Everybody did, firsthand ... I just feel like it's been a very hypocritical situation.

Indeed it has! Why, Lynne merely pushed her daughter into a soul-sucking life of show business, not a hastily arranged, RNC-preserving engagement to her child's father! Yes, Jamie Lynn has proved a bit more profitable than that lazy Alaskan Bristol, but does that mean that poor Lynne should have to suffer for it? Won't anybody think of the stage mothers?

• Grandmother Spears Speaks Out [Newsweek]

In other Spears family body news, Britney's weight fluctuates yet again:

We know we're not the only ones who heard the"I'm Mrs. 'She's Too Big, Now She's Too Thin'" lyric in Britney's song Piece of Me and wondered: 'in the age of idealized anorexia, who ever thought Britney was too thin?' Now we have our culprit: the Daily Mail said BritBrit looked "unbelievably svelte" while grabbing her nightly frappucino this weekend before catching My Best Friend's Girl, in which her vagina starred as the left side of Dane Cook's face.

[Photo Credits: X17, Getty Images]

• Mommy Pics of Brit's Sis Trigger Criminal Probe [TMZ]
• Oh my God! Britney Spears finally looks really thin... but not THAT thin [Daily Mail]

• Alec Baldwin hates TMZ's Harvey Levin, who made famous Baldwin's abusive voice mail to his 11-year-old daughter and who, Baldwin writes, "seemed to be that breed of tabloid creature that realized an almost sexual level of pleasure from ruining other people's lives." Previously, the voice mail had been the fault of the daughter, then the media, then the entire family court system. Oh, also, his ex-wife, who "reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." Sounds familiar!
• Anne Hathaway's handlers don't want you to know that she smokes. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton is probably already jealous of Nicole Richie's screaming matches with Joel Madden. [Star]
• Britney Spears' record label will make her insane again or grow fabulously wealthy trying. [Scoop]
• Miley Cyrus, 16, insists the 20-year-old underwear model who flew into town for a visit is "just a friend." [Hollyscoop]
• An entrepreneurial LA airport cop created a fake Jamie-Lynn Spears to distract the paparazzi and now he's in trouble for it because he gets paid to make the lives of ordinary people miserable. [E!]

A source close to the Beverly Hills baby store Petit Tresor tells CelebTV.com exclusively that a gift from Plain Mary was sent to Bristol Palin on behalf of Jamie Lynn Spears.

An insider says it was actually Lynne Spears, Jamie Lynn’s mom, who called about the gift, and requested the gift come from her daughter.

“It was ordered by phone, and they asked what could be done for under $100. They spent $60 on pink burpcloths,” said the source.

Clever move, Lynn — especially since the LAT recently tagged Sarah Palin "the Lynne Spears of politics." Does this mean that the Palins may tote their very own Britney Spears into the White House... and if so, will she have to switch parties?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Exclusive: Jamie Lynn Spears Sends Gift to Bristol Palin [CelebTV]

Life & Style
"Brad & Angie Vs. Tom & Katie: Showdown!" This bizarre story is crafted around the fact that when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt costarred in Interview With The Vampire in 1994, Tom was a megastar and Brad was on the rise; now Tom is a falling star and Brad "lives every day like it's the weekend." Apparently since Angelina was being considered for the lead role in Edwin A. Salt, when Tom was supposed to have that part, these couples are having a "secret feud." So secret they don't even know! Katie and Tom have negative Scientology publicity and Angie and Brad are charitable do-gooders, blah blah blah, it's a fabrication and a yawn. Moving on: "Britney Gets Justin Back" is about how the two are recording a duet for her new album. Madonna and Guy are "staying together for the kids" but the same story says "they are feeling very positive about their relationship." Other than that there are just lots of clothes and makeup in this mag. The editors should just have a stylish cover instead of a "news-y" one.
Grade: F (Forwarded religious "joke" email)


OK!
There are two covers: The front is Barack Obama and his family with the line "Life With My Girls." The back, upside down cover is Sarah Pailn: "A Mother's Painful Choice." Most of the Sarah Palin story is information that has already been reported, though you may not know that she went to 3 different colleges in Idaho before graduating from the University Of Idaho. On to Senator Obama: His daughters, Sasha and Malia were jumping up and down the whole time he gave his acceptance speech; backstage, the whole family had a two-minute group hug. The mag says: "Amazing yes, but not out of the ordinary for the tight-knit Obamas, who, according to insiders, are such an all-American family, they almost make the Brady Bunch look dysfunctional." There are quotes from Poppy Montgomery and Wilmer Valderrama, who are impressed with his parenting style. Next: The OK! Poll of Who Has The Firmest Melons made us want to die (Fig. 1). Lastly: Anne Hathaway wants to get back in the dating game — what better place than the DNC? She was seen dancing with actor Josh Lucas but also gave her number to some civilian. The mag suggests that Luke Russert would be a good match for Anne.
Grade: D- (ALL CAPS EMAIL)


Star
"The Fight For Baby Maddie." Days after her daughter was born, Jamie Lynn discovered that Casey cheated on her with yet another woman: His former high school classmate Andrea Revels, 20. (Not to be confused with Kelli Dawson, 28 who told In Touch she slept with Casey when JLS was six months pregnant.) JLS has given Casey a 7pm curfew and he has to be available by cell phone at all times, no excuses. He had to give her all his email and voicemail passwords and she asked him to attend couples counseling with her. Right now JLS is living at her mom's house in Louisiana and not at the house she shared with Casey in Mississippi, so Casey might fight her for money and custody. He definitely doesn't want to lose his meal ticket, since JLS used to pay for everything. Britney and Lynne Spears may try to pay Casey off to get him to disappear. Next: Gossip Girl Leighton Meester's mother, father, grandfather and aunt all did hard time in Federal prisons for drug dealing. Her aunt, Judy Haas McNelis was the first woman ever on the US Marshal Service's 15 most wanted list. She smuggled a hacksaw into jail! Britney and Adnan are back on: A friend called and Britney said, "We're in bed. And we're going to take a bath together soon." Also inside: There's an entire page devoted to the fact that Eva Longoria's thighs are big. And they're guessing that she weighs a whopping 117 pounds. Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre! He's best known for his appearance in the 2001 comedy Super Troopers. Amanda Bynes has broken up with Seth MacFarlane. Madonna's daughter Lourdes was offered a role in The Secret Life of Bees but Madge doesn't want her to work until after high school. Lastly: Michael Phelps has a "secret lover" named Nicole Johnson, and she has been his girlfriend for a year. She's a former beauty queen from California and she may be moving in with Michael. She was in Beijing!
Grade: D+ (Chain letter email)


In Touch
"Doctors Fear That Angelina Is Now Battling Post Partum" Basically, unnamed sources claim that Angie is listless and just wants to nap lately and doctors who don't treat her say: "Women with twins can be totally overwhelmed" so it could be post partum. Meanwhile, she is "isolated" because she lives in the French countryside and has no friends and Brad is off partying in Venice with George Clooney. Part two of this "Moms In Crisis" package is Gwen Stefani's "Baby Weight Panic!"; and part three is "J.Lo Wants Her Life Back!" Gwen is worried she will not lose weight fast enough; Jennifer wants to get back to work. Moving on: Halle Berry's baby pictures, OMG. (Fig. 2) Intern Margaret says, "It's pretty cool she didn't sell them. Good for her." Next: Alec Baldwin wanted to kill himself after the audio of him yelling at his daughter was released. He thought about going on a hike in Massachusetts and shooting himself or overdosing in a bed and breakfast. He has a new autobiography coming out Sept. 23, which is why we're hearing about this. Also inside: Those kids from High School Musical make millions. Blake Lively is throwing a 21st birthday party with a Jazz age theme: Everyone better come in costume! There's a Gatsby quote on the invitation: "Can't repeat the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why, of course you can!'" Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre: He's an artist and she is three inches taller. Britney and Adnan are back on! He says she is his soul mate! She's in love! Lastly: Everyone is wearing Clark Kent glasses (fig 3).
Grade: C- (Nigerian Prince email)


Us
"Babies, Lies & Scandal." This is a round up of all of the gossip that we've heard about Governor Sarah Palin in the last week. The mag quotes a commenter on Yahoo!: "How can Palin help McCain keep America in control when she can't even keep her own daughter in control?" There's stuff about her husband, about her involvement in the Alaska Independence Party, which wants the state to seceed from the US, and there's a sidebar of about 5 other controversies that aren't even covered in the article. We really love the picture of her wearing an incorrectly punctuated T-shirt that reads, "I may be broke but, I'm not flat busted." It's right above the shot of her next to a bleeding caribou that's been shot in the face. (Pro life!) Moving on: There are cute pix of Halle Berry's baby, plus a chart of "Couples Who Pray Together Stay Together" (Jess Simpson & Tony Romo, Keisha & Justin Chambers, Spencer & Heidi). An interview with Isis King, the transgendered contestant from America's Next Top Model: "I used to wear silicone [breast enhancers] for shoots, but it's too hot with all that extra stuff. Most models don't have breasts anyway! I would also tape [my penis] at first, but since then I've found new ways to make everything smooth. What I use is like a thong. I made it myself with a piece of denim." She plans to have a sex change by her 25th birthday.
Grade: C (Sarah Palin rumor email)

Fig. 1

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How Palin is Playing In The Supermarket Aisles [ABC News]

For months, rumors have circulated that Casey Aldridge has cheated on Jamie Lynn — but no one has come forward to confirm them, until now. In an exclusive interview with In Touch, 28-year-old Kelli Dawson reveals that she and Casey, 19, were romantically involved — and were still sleeping together when Jamie Lynn, now 17, was six months pregnant with his child.

The pair didn’t bother to hide their relationship. “Kelli and Casey have been a couple on and off for a few years,” confirms Jason Alexander, Britney Spears’ first husband and a native of nearby Kentwood, La. “They were a really tight couple, but I think it was hard for Kelli, having Jamie Lynn in the picture.”

Britney's first, daylong husband? Now that's sourcing! In the face of this incontrovertible evidence, Jamie Lynn would be well advised to take a page from her mother's Guide to Fucking Up Your Children (specifically, Page 119): "Now that the first potential husband is dispensed with, enjoy a wider pool of adventures that involves paparazzi, backup dancers, and Cheeto-covered, high-thread-count sheets."

• Jamie Lynn Spears is betrayed [InTouch]

Star
"Little Princesses." Intern Margaret says, "The story is summed up on the cover." It's six pages comparing growing up Shiloh Jolie-Pitt to growing up Suri Cuise. (Shiloh: Hand-me-downs, cookie monster, twin dollies, free spirit. Suri: $$$ Designer duds, still a bottle baby, security blanket, calls the shots.) After reading about who likes Nutella and Meerkat Manor, here's what you glean: Shiloh's the down-to-earth kid whose mom cuts her hair and who runs around the backyard getting dirty, while Suri gets salon cuts, throws a fit if her blanket is left behind and has a closet full of expensive dresses. Suri picks out her clothes herself, except when the nanny helps. Moving on: Christina Applegate has been dating Martyn Lenoble for several months and she wants to have his baby. So even though she has breast cancer, she doesn't want to have chemo or radiation until she gives birth. Some doctor who doesn't treat her says pregnancy can help some early-stage breast cancer. Next: While in Los Cabos, Mexico, John Mayer disappeared for a 25 minute walk with a young lady and came back smoking a cigar. There are hot tub pix. The mag says: "The notorious ladies man may have sparked the stogie to celebrate a flash of freedom far from his 39-year-old girlfriend and her baby dreams." Egads. Are Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds planning to get hitched this winter after ScarJo's birthday? The mag says will it be a traditional Jewish ceremony in NYC. Madonna is mad at Britney because the pictures of Brit's "surprise" video for the Sticky & Sweet tour got leaked online and Madge thinks Brit's camp is to blame. Blind item! "Which hot TV actor was lying when he said he wasn't dating a certain reality star? Source say she recently visited him on set, where they spent 2 hours flirting with each other." Guesses? Lastly: Reese lost 20 lbs. "for Jake."
Grade: F (anal fistula)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Cutest Kids." An 11-page "special" with lots of pictures of celebrity babies. Suri Cruise gets a 2-page spread about going to The Little Mermaid on Broadway and going bowling in New York. All of the kids get tags; for instance: Maddox is "the daredevil," Zahara is "the globe-trotter," Apple is "The Clotheshorse." Valentina Pinault, Salma Hayek's kid, is "The Accessorizer." She is 11 months old. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan thinks of the Ronsons as "the family she never had" because they are close to each other and not fucked up. She also changed her Facebook religion status to "I'm converting" so now there's speculation that she will become Jewish! Slow news summer. Next: Angelina's on a "race to get ready" for Brad Pitt's movie premiere August 27th. The movie is Burn After Reading and the mag claims Angie "wants to look like a trophy wife" on the red carpet so she's trying to lose 20 lbs. Insane on so many levels! There are newborn twins at home in addition to like a posse of other kids. Are we really supposed to believe she is worrying about her red carpet weight? Fuck.
Grade: F, but B if you LOVE baby pix. (self-correcting rectal prolapse)


Us Weekly
"18 Lbs In 10 Weeks!" Jennifer Love Hewitt exclusive! There's a different picture from a different angle inside the magazine and her body looks different. Not as whittled down. In the six-page story, the mag talks to her trainer and discovers — shocker — that Love Hewitt has been working out more and eating less. If you're interested in her exact diet and workout plan, it's there, in all of its boring detail. (No carbs after 3pm.) Next: Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer headed for a breakup? (Did it already happen?) There are pictures of him in a hot tub with some chicks, looking smug and smoking a cigar. Us also calls out Star and OK!'s "fake news" for running Jen/John baby and marriage stories last week. Also inside: In a 4-page story interview with Lauren and Lo about The Hills, the reporter compliments LC's runny mascara in the season 4 trailer. Lauren responds by naming the mascara and eyeliner she was wearing that day, which happen to be Avon, the company she reps. Ooh! A picture of the transgendered contestant on the upcoming cycle of America's Next Top Model! Her name is Isis (Fig. 1). Lastly, Ali Lohan has, um, filled out. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (anal abscess)


OK!
"Britney Tells All ABout Her Boys And Her New Life." Brit's "first interview in 2 years" is 8 pages long, with new pictures of Jayden and whatshisface wearing white tuxedoes in the backyard. Britney is wearing a white dress but it's like, a bikini cover-up that you can see through and the top is split from sternum to belly. The story is filled with the humdrum details of Brit's daily life: She reads the boys Berenstein Bears books. There's kiddie artwork on the fridge. She makes them pancakes. Intern Margaret says, "It's chock full of details, but they're details you don't care about. She seems healthy." Brit says she has a good relationship with her mom now and and appreciates her more. It ends on a hopeful though frightening note: Britney is writing a lot of songs for her new album. Next: The first line of the "Suri & The City" story reads, "Move over Carrie Bradshaw, there's a new trendsetter in town!" More on ScarJo's wedding: Even though Scarlett has said she has no immediate plans to get married, she was spotted reading InStyle Weddings & Brides, and an spy says "You could tell that she had earmarked pages." Plus! She totally wore white to a movie premiere! Lastly: "Is Lindsay A Faux-Mosexual?" She was seen flirting with guys. She's also "the aggressive one" in her relationship with Sam.
Grade: C- (anal fissure)


In Touch
"Jamie Lynn Betrayed." The mag tracked down Kelli Dawson, 28, who claims she had a relationship with 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn's fiancé and baby daddy. Kelli, 28, yes, 28 years old, is photographed in virginal white wearing a wooden cross around her neck. She says: "I still love him and I think he loves me." They were still sleeping together when JLS was six months pregnant with Casey's baby. Kelli says, "I see him all the time, at least once a week." They live in the same town. "I think that he's trapped," Kelli sighs. She also says: "When I see Jamie Lynn doing interviews and talking about how happy she is with Casey, it seems so fake. She is trying to paint a pretty picture, but it's messy art." Truth! Moving on: The "Jen And John Take A Break" story has more hot tub pix. Page 6 of this issue has a poll question, "Are you surprised that Britney hasn't had sex in 7 months?" (Fig. 3) It makes little sense until you get to page 56, where you find a story called "Seven Months Without Sex!" So basically, Britney's been working out instead of getting laid. Also she's been living with her dad. Dr. Drew says: "With bipolar, you become hypersexual. Before Britney began treatment, sleeping around with different men could have been the result of the manic state she was in." Britney joked to a friend: "How do you make out with a guy while your dad watches?" Next: Nicole and Joel have hit a rough patch. She's living in his house in Glendale and feels likes she's stuck in the suburbs. She wants to move back to Hollywood! Also, is her baby daddy helping enough? While on tour, Joel said: "It's hard to be on the road, but I have a great girl and she takes care of everything." Lastly: Guy Ritchie gave Madonna a $100,00 Rolex Masterpiece in tricolor 18K gold, surrounded by 42 brilliant baguette cut diamonds, the "ultimate timepiece."
Grade: C (hemorrhoids)


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According to the publisher Thomas Nelson — a publisher of inspirational books and Bibles — the book will take readers "beyond the reach of the paparazzi and outside the narrow orbit of the Hollywood glitterati to share the inside story of the Spears family-as only a mother can tell it."

Topics she discusses include:
- Her regret in abdicating parental authority to managers, agents and record companies
- Her response to Jamie Lynn's teen pregnancy
- The startling events that led to Britney's meltdown and Lynne's showdown with manager Sam Lufti

Other topics include:
- Her startling response to discovering that Fred Segal closes at 7pm
- How to get the most from your daughter's checkbook
- Sartorial choices: dressing like a slutty tween at age 53

Best of luck, Lynn — though we would have stuck with your original title: Drink, Play, F@#K. Sometimes you have to go high-concept.

• Lynne Spears' Book Hits Shelves in September [Star Magazine]

Matthew McConaughey and frowny-faced pregnancy loather Jessica Alba are the latest celebrities to debut their offspring via fancy photoshoot. But despite the big pay days, both of these deals come with a little bit of scandal.

Instead of swaddling with Shiloh-approved People, both stars stuck deals with OK! Magazine, which means they're now lumped in with potentially crazier, certainly white-trashier babies like Maddie Briann Aldredge. How embarrassing. And while the deal makes more sense to red-neck-empathizer McConaughey, the move is far more surprising for the higher-maintenance Alba, whose baby's name is Honor.

Of course, when dealing with all matters of the heart, these celebrities turn to their accountants to make the decision for them. And it's a good thing McConaughey did, otherwise he'd end up perhaps classier, yes, but even worse, poorer:

His publicist, Alan Nierob, begged him not to work with [OK!] because he’s considered an A-lister. But Matthew hired money man Todd Shemarya, who brokered the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie $4 million People deal."

And because of the deal, wombanizer McConaughey will reportedly receive $3 million for the first pictures of little Wrangler Levi. But alas, Alba will receive only $1.5 million, giving her yet another reason to hate everyone and everything around her. As she wipes little Honor's bottom with $10 dollar bills (baby wipes chafe!), she at least can take solace in knowing that her baby's photo will still fetch more than anyone's baby in Kansas ever will.

And where will Baby's First Millions go? Shirts and an indoor gym for daddy? Acting lessons and attitude checks for mommy? Therapy? The possibilities are endless! Luckily for us, for the next 30 years, we'll all be able to read the latest and breaking news on Levi and Honor from OK! Magazine. Imagine if Honor becomes a lovely, smiling joy? Or Levi, a buttoned-up, sober politician? My god, the horror.

• Matthew McConaughey Sells Baby Pictures For $3 Million [Fametastic]
• Baby Alba Cashes In [TMZ]

• Angelina Jolie wants to give birth, already, and leave the hospital like a tough American patriot. But her lazy, arrogant French doctors will make her wait in agony for three more days so they can celebrate cutting off rich people's heads like communists and probably also so they can fornicate with their unbathed mistresses, get drunk and fantasize about terrorism. See what happens under socialized medicine? Celebrity divas are grossly inconvenienced! Awesome, right? [Showbiz Spy]
• Former Clinton dreamboat, current ABC News pundit George Stephanopolous was stopped and asked for press credentials by a Barack Obama aide. Ostensibly because he was unshaven and in short sleeves, but really maybe because of his terrible debate questions. [P6]
• Madonna's estranged brother claimed she almost had a baby with basketball star Dennis Rodman and that she hangs in view of her kids a photo of her "in S&M gear and lying on a bed with dead animals." Baseball star Jose Conseco claimed she begged him to impregnate her so she could have another Cuban child.
• Meanwhile, since Madonna keeps denying that she had a thing with slugger Alex Rodriguez, Rodriguez's wife is threatening to release some salacious text messages. [Sun]
• Jamie-Lynn Spears, who just gave birth, "has a well-known affinity for soda and Cheetos." As opposed to the rest of America, which leaves these strange food products languishing in obscurity. [P6]

We hear that OK! publisher Richard Desmond is so set on obtaining the exclusive rights to Brangelina's new baby pictures that he's personally handling negotiations for the photos—which reached $15 million more than a month ago. (Desmond is British and OK! is multinational, meaning that Desmond is helped by both the ability to market these photos worldwide, and the pitifully low dollar). OK!'s editor is ex-celebrity flack Rob Shuter, who is a glorified celebrity wrangler whose only value is his Rolodex and his willingness to do anything to ingratiate the magazine to its famous subjects. One small example: we hear part of OK!'s agreement with Jamie Lynn Spears was to not cover the angle that she is, ya know, a single teen mom. Just the pictures, please!

And OK! may be intent on cornering the market! Consider the recent trifecta: the magazine just landed the Jamie Lynn Spears baby photo exclusive:

And just today, OK! reportedly paid $3 million for the first pics of little Levi, the tot produced by Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend:

Add that to what looks like a probable win for OK! in the Brangelina baby bidding war, and it's a clean sweep for the whole month.

US Weekly should be a strong competitor, but owner Jann Wenner won't let them spend what it takes to snag the A-level pictures. And what's the last big baby pic exclusive that People got? Nicole Richie in March, for a mere million bucks:

With a committed publisher, a fat checkbook, and an editor-in-chief who considers "journalism" to be a foreign word, it looks like OK! just may be the only place to turn for your baby pic fix this year. Scary! The only question now is whether the skyrocketing bidding will pay off financially—and if so, for how long. Since we're living in a time when J-Lo can make an amount on baby pictures that rivals her own box office receipts, it seems that OK! will, sadly, only become more dominant the more they win. B-list wedding pictures will never make up the slack.

Everyone in the room at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss., pleaded with Jamie Lynn to listen to the doctors — including big sister Britney. Brit had already been with Jamie Lynn for hours, massaging her back as she endured painful contractions. "But she got mad," says the insider. She told Jamie Lynn to "just have a damn Caesarian," as she did.

The girls mother, Lynne, only added to the tension. "Lynne was already angry because her daughter didn't want her in the delivery room at all," says the source. "But she had insisted on being there, along with Casey Aldridge, Jamie Lynn's boyfriend. Jamie Lynn cussed and yelled at her mom, and told her to get out. She cursed Lynne for bringing her into the world to bear such pain."

Jamie Lynn's existential diss notwithstanding, might Britney have soured on the tabloid antics that come so naturally to her family? Nah — most likely, she was pained by the hospital scrubs required in the delivery room; once Britney was allowed to change back into purple Uggs, a muumuu, and a porkpie hat, she promptly whisked babydaddy Casey Aldridge away to "keep it in the family."

• Jamie Lynn Spears' Delivery Room Drama [Star Magazine]