• Angelina Jolie wants to give birth, already, and leave the hospital like a tough American patriot. But her lazy, arrogant French doctors will make her wait in agony for three more days so they can celebrate cutting off rich people's heads like communists and probably also so they can fornicate with their unbathed mistresses, get drunk and fantasize about terrorism. See what happens under socialized medicine? Celebrity divas are grossly inconvenienced! Awesome, right? [Showbiz Spy]
• Former Clinton dreamboat, current ABC News pundit George Stephanopolous was stopped and asked for press credentials by a Barack Obama aide. Ostensibly because he was unshaven and in short sleeves, but really maybe because of his terrible debate questions. [P6]
• Madonna's estranged brother claimed she almost had a baby with basketball star Dennis Rodman and that she hangs in view of her kids a photo of her "in S&M gear and lying on a bed with dead animals." Baseball star Jose Conseco claimed she begged him to impregnate her so she could have another Cuban child.
• Meanwhile, since Madonna keeps denying that she had a thing with slugger Alex Rodriguez, Rodriguez's wife is threatening to release some salacious text messages. [Sun]
• Jamie-Lynn Spears, who just gave birth, "has a well-known affinity for soda and Cheetos." As opposed to the rest of America, which leaves these strange food products languishing in obscurity. [P6]

We hear that OK! publisher Richard Desmond is so set on obtaining the exclusive rights to Brangelina's new baby pictures that he's personally handling negotiations for the photos—which reached $15 million more than a month ago. (Desmond is British and OK! is multinational, meaning that Desmond is helped by both the ability to market these photos worldwide, and the pitifully low dollar). OK!'s editor is ex-celebrity flack Rob Shuter, who is a glorified celebrity wrangler whose only value is his Rolodex and his willingness to do anything to ingratiate the magazine to its famous subjects. One small example: we hear part of OK!'s agreement with Jamie Lynn Spears was to not cover the angle that she is, ya know, a single teen mom. Just the pictures, please!

And OK! may be intent on cornering the market! Consider the recent trifecta: the magazine just landed the Jamie Lynn Spears baby photo exclusive:

And just today, OK! reportedly paid $3 million for the first pics of little Levi, the tot produced by Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend:

Add that to what looks like a probable win for OK! in the Brangelina baby bidding war, and it's a clean sweep for the whole month.

US Weekly should be a strong competitor, but owner Jann Wenner won't let them spend what it takes to snag the A-level pictures. And what's the last big baby pic exclusive that People got? Nicole Richie in March, for a mere million bucks:

With a committed publisher, a fat checkbook, and an editor-in-chief who considers "journalism" to be a foreign word, it looks like OK! just may be the only place to turn for your baby pic fix this year. Scary! The only question now is whether the skyrocketing bidding will pay off financially—and if so, for how long. Since we're living in a time when J-Lo can make an amount on baby pictures that rivals her own box office receipts, it seems that OK! will, sadly, only become more dominant the more they win. B-list wedding pictures will never make up the slack.

Kellimanjaro's new line beats the original, Pregnancy, As It Turns Out, Not Exactly Like Having the Chicken Pox

• Katie Holmes may be pregnant again. Celebrate now, there will be plenty of time to figure out which Scientology God's sperm impregnated her later. [OK!]
• Britney went to buy some new jeans, probably to accommodate her expanding tummy, and the paparazzi got so frenzied her bodyguard had to manhandle Spears up to vehicle reentry speed to get her through the thick layer of cameramen. Not a single pap thought to plug her meter, and she got a parking ticket, so in apparent retaliation Spears didn't flash a single private part while pulling away from the Levis store.
• The pap mob got Spears banned from the Beverly Hills Hotel, where she liked to visit and, uh, "meet" with Adnan Ghalib but where they've created an entire training program on how to turn Britney away. The franchise opportunities on those Britney-B-Gone classes are, of course, endless.
• Britney's sister Jamie Lynn Spears, who minted $1 million just by getting pregnant and selling the press rights, is pretending to think about going to college. College, of course, is how young female celebrities used to ensure their financial security before sex tapes and reality television were invented.
• His first wife Jessica Sklar left him for Jerry Seinfeld, and now Eric Nederlander is being thrown out of his own home amid a soon-to-be "nasty" divorce from his second wife. They just had a kid seven weeks ago. If it weren't for the piles of family money, you'd almost feel sorry for the guy. [P6]
• Because Brad Pitt probably got Angelina Jolie pregnant, the spinster Jennifer Aniston was rude to Pitt buddy George Clooney. Then she and Courtney Cox stormed off to go and order her some more "secret admirer" bouquets or whatever. [OK!]
• Supposedly Mischa Barton from "The OC" was driving with a blood alcohol level of more than 0.8 percent, which, to give you some idea, is approximately what Courtney Love would refer to as "shitfaced problem drinking." Either that or Daily Mail reporters spend so much time on the London "tube" or double decker buses or whatever they never bother to learn that the usual legal driving limit is closer to, say, 0.08 percent.
• Look, Michael Jackson admitted to sleeping in bed with young boys at his home, Neverland Ranch, and didn't lose the place. He owed tens of millions before and didn't lose the place. He was supposedly going to sell it twice before that, and he never lost the place No one is going to believe Jackson will actually lose Neverland Ranch until they see, with their own eyes, the Elephant Man's skeleton being moved out by a weeping Michael. So stop talking about it.
• Pars Hilton is looking for roommates. Should make for an amazing Craigslist ad. [P6]

Their occasionally hilarious other work is here.

Click to enlarge!

This chart reveals the thrust of more than 100 of the most recent headlines for stories on "Jamie Lynn Spears." Even though a hearty 12 percent of headlines were generic announcements of her being impregnated, 15 percent were comments about her getting knocked up as Brit's sister.

Some highlights:

TMZ interviewed Uncle Odus:

He tells us the family was "shocked' and yet "we aren't." As a pastor, Uncle Odus says he's seen "this type of thing" more often than he'd like.

Papa Bear O'Lielly added her to the pinhead club:
On the pinhead front, 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. The sister of Britney says she is shocked. I bet. Now most teens are pinheads in some ways. But here the blame falls primarily on the parents of the girl, who obviously have little control over her or even over Britney Spears. Look at the way she behaves.

But Mary J. Blige was there to offer support:
"Stay strong, baby girl. If that's her choice (to keep the baby) then congratulations. Hope she's responsible and I hope she understands what that brings.

So what's older brother Bryan Spears up to these days?

When you spend two years monitoring the comings and goings of celebrities, as we, your devoted Gawker Stalker map girls have, you develop a certain world-weary toughness. You surround yourself with a battle-hardened façade that not even a picture of the baldest vagina can shatter. And yet, sometimes, as I imagine happens with like, war correspondents, something gets past the armor and shakes you to your very core. Today is that day here at Stalk of The Town. Analysis of an event as earth-shattering as the pregnancy of Jamie Lynn Spearsrequires both Stalkettes.

Robespierre: Um...
Erica: I know.
Robespierre: I can't even deal. I cannot even deal with this news. I literally cannot focus at work today.
Erica: Maybe she was just trying to take some of the attention off her sister, like when they made up that war in that Dustin Hoffman movie.
Robespierre: Never saw it. Too ridiculous. Pregnant. 16. Live-in boyfriend. Whom she met IN CHURCH. He's 19. Statutory rape. Parenting book. The most hilarious part is that Lynne Spears' parenting book is now on indefinite hold.
Erica: Ha. Delayed, but not canceled. What would have to happen for her to cancel it?
Robespierre: If the brother raped a dolphin.
Erica: Or a panda. My favorite part is that they sold the story to OK! for cash. Your 16-year-old daughter is pregnant, Lynne Spears, what are you gonna do now? Get her precious little baby-fatted face on the glossies!
Robespierre: There is a complete and utter absence of morality. She is morally bankrupt. The entire Spears clan is morally bankrupt. Actually, that is the mark of true celebrity.
Erica: She got us talking. She could teach Ashlee Simpson some lessons. In this day and age, getting plastic surgery to look exactly like your sister is gonna get you like one post on Perez, at most. But this young Spears, well, she out-did herself.
Robespierre: She out-did her sister. PS. Fantasia's pregnant . Hahahaha.
Erica: What happened in that house when they were growing up? I mean, those parents really fucked those kids up. They are like the Jacksons or something.
Robespierre: Yeah, and we didn't even notice while it was happening. They seemed relatively normal. Remember Britney and her mom wrote that book about how they were best friends and stuff.
Erica: Crazy. Maybe we're overreacting. They ARE from Louisiana, at least she's not related to the dude.
Robespierre: That may still come out. You need to do this for Stalk, like an emergency edition.
Erica: But what do I do? I don't think that little one has ever even been to Manhattan.
Robespierre: Who cares? This is URGENT.
Erica: You're right. Besides, who's gonna yell at us? I don't even know who we work for anymore!