Tired of all the rumors that were not flying around regarding her wedding, Janet Jackson surprised the world today by announcing (apropos of nothing?) that she and obscenely wealthy Qatari businessman Wissam Al Mana have been married since last year.

The big news Thursday is that Katherine Jackson is back in California after an extended vacation and/or kidnapping to Arizona.

Determining the precise level of insanity present within each member of the Jackson family has long been a favorite pastime of the team of licensed psychiatrists that is the American public.

With each detail that emerges about the Jackson family meltdown, the story becomes even more unbelievable.

Everything just got crazy.

Today's Janet Jackson's 46th birthday, so I'm taking that excuse to post this song that everyone's heard a million times but that I've nonetheless been obsessing about recently. Have you listened to this song lately? Like, really listened to it, not just took it for granted as the pop wallpaper that megahits can…

Calm down, everyone. Madonna has finally said what we needed her to say — when asked about Janet Jackson's boob-baring "wardrobe malfunction" in 2004, Madonna told Bob Costas, "This will not happen to me, I promise you."

Seven years (almost eight, at this point) after Janet Jackson's intentional "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl and the $550,000 fine leveled against CBS is still being argued in court. Just today an appeals court in Philly threw out the case. Now it might be headed back to the Supreme Court.

[Singer Janet Jackson goes through airport security at LAX. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

And why are birthdays such polarizing affairs? Did Jessica Simpson buy her own engagement ring? Did Britney's insanity make her parents fall back in love? Tuesday gossip is a toddler who keeps asking, "Why?"

Janet bonds with George Lopez over childhood memories, body image, and vegan Mexican food (apparently one of Michael's favorites). Janet talks about her new book which focuses on self esteem, which sends Lopez down a somewhat twisted memory lane.

Janet Jackson was the guest for the hour on Larry King Live tonight. In two of the interview's most awkward moments, King a) told Jackson that her album title was "self-crediting," and b) didn't understand one of her obvious jokes.

LiLo was "giggling" and downing Jack and Coke when she admitted to using drugs. Lady Gaga's meat dress gets made into jerky. Britney Spears buys a skateboard for her sons. Thursday gossip is totally saturated.

Serial marry-er Elizabeth Taylor, 78, is said to be engaged to Sterling Winters, Janet Jackson's 49-year-old manager. She loves young things, like Twitter and her men. This will be her ninth trip down the aisle. Congrats! [Getty]

• Down-and-out former pageant queen Carrie Prejean must be getting really desperate: She's turning to Donald Trump for career advice. Trump suggested she "become a major porn star," make tons of cash and then "give it to worthy causes." Clearly, it's this type of forward thinking that has made Trump the business…

• Nic Cage has been having some money troubles as of late and he recently sued his business manager for allegedly mishandling his finances. Now the manager is striking back. He's filed a countersuit against Cage and claims the actor is an out-of-control spender who, in just the last few years, has picked 15…

• The feud between Al Roker and America's most despicable couple continues. After the Today show canceled an interview with Spencer and Heidi Pratt, Spencer took to Twitter to air his rage: "I thought you were out of town getting your stomache [sic] staped [sic] again... Do you always look like your [sic] about to…

Beyonce and Lady Gaga leak a clip from their forthcoming music video; Levi Johnston disguises himself as the Unabomber; at least one member of Congress thinks Carrie Prejean should run for office. Welcome to Tuesday's gossip.