The Observer is, at heart, a small little paper written by very smart people. It's not really the ideal pawn in a game of New York media mogul social climbing. Which will not stop Jared Kushner and his new bride from using it for that purpose!

Ivanka (who declined to give Crain's an interview for their story, although her dad did) twitted conspiratorially, "Do you think it's because of late Jared's new paper, The Commercial Observer, has stolen the last of Crains' few remaining advertisers?" Somehow we doubt that is the case! The story is mostly a pedestrian and factual recounting of the last few years of Kushner's and Trump's uniformly laughable rise to DIZZYING HEIGHTS of business moguldom or something, despite the fact that both of them are silver spoon kids with no discernible talent for actually making money, apart from slapping the "Trump" brand on various shitty baubles. Jared is actually astoundingly good at losing money, so far.

What Ivanka calls "misinformed and pointless" is actually just a roundup of the various inanities and business failures she and Jared have racked up in the recent past. The worrying thing here is not that Ivanka (who, her dad says, "loves the public, she loves to be out there") is upset; it's that she and her husband seem to be totally enveloping the New York Observer in the Trump Brand. Ivanka's book ads were just the beginning. The fact that it's now impossible to discuss one of New York's most literary weeklies without being one degree of separation from discussing Donald Trump does not portend a happy future.

And get off Twitter, Ivanka. That will be one million dollars.
[Pic via]

The 28-year-old publisher and the 32-year-old reporter and author of Too Big to Fail talked as recently as last month about the top editor job at the Observer, Gabriel Sherman reports. But Sorkin demurred, and some Observer staffers speculate that talks may have stalled because Sorkin wanted an equity stake in the paper. Kushner settled on former Portfolio editor Kyle Pope, who must be feeling really good right about now, yesterday.

Oddly and without elaboration, Sherman mentions that one reason Sorkin might not have been interested was his "unusual incentive arrangements with the Times." Huh? What's that all about, then?

Another reason Sorkin might not have taken the job is that he would no longer be able to call New York Times editors to ask them for access to documents that he would later use as "source documents" in his book.

While we're on the subject of the Observer, the paper is flogging an Observer Living panel—that would be Kushner's real estate events venture—later this month featuring none other than Ivanka Trump. Come meet the publisher's wife! Placed next to a story on the hiring of Pope, it's starting to look like the New York Observer is a newspaper about the New York Observer.

Update: Presented without comment, this quote from Kushner, reported in a new book about the Observer and flagged by the Awl:

One time there was a reporter working somewhere else, whose stuff I liked, and I said, 'Peter, we should look at hiring him.' And Peter said, 'I would, but he violates the one principle I have: Against the hiring of assholes.'

Another update: A source in the Observer camp objected to our original headline that said Sorkin was Kushner's "first choice" for the gig. Sorkin, this person says, was one of three finalists for the salmon paper's top job along with Pope and Dan Colaruso, a former business editor at the New York Post who along with Pope also worked at Portfolio as its web editor and did a brief stint as the managing editor of Silicon Alley Insider after Condé Nast shuttered the business magazine.

Chris Rovzar (who's been on fire with the media stories this week) says that McGeveran might have quit over a takedown of the Newark Star-Ledger that Kushner insisted be more vicious. The Star-Ledger, remember, reported, with some relish, the scandal that put Jared's dad Charles behind bars five years ago. NY Mag also point out that the newspaper is a competitor to Kushner's website PolitickerNJ.com.

Last month this piece appeared; a musing on the woes of journalism state-wide, that featured the Star-Ledger. Sources told Rovzar that "what came back was not satisfactory to Jared," who wanted more blood. The ethics conflict over a publisher out for revenge added to McGeveran's woes as an interim editor who had to cut staff while his boss interviewed for his replacement. "It was the straw that broke the camel's back," another co-worker added.

Kushner's reps did not comment, but McGeveran denied the story. You can't help but feel sorry for the guy. Maybe he'll land a cushy job as part of the Wall Street Journal's new New York section, outed today in the Times. For which the paper is apparently making subtle headhunting enquiries to journalists.

Some of your entries were good, some were bad, and some were very, very ugly. We whittled it down to ten. Vote for the one you like best and it just might win. We're still going to pick our favorite anyway—this isn't American Idol, this is the real world—but popular opinion just might sway us. The poll is at the bottom. Enjoy!

"And I'm Spent..." by Kimsama

"I don't know I think it's supposed to move" by Colander

Opposites Attract by Anonymous

Balloon Boy 2 by Anonymous

"If only they had read the contract they signed, Ivanka and Jared would have been spared the humiliation of being kicked off their own dance floor for 'sexual bending.'" by Kimsama

"Such a charming wedding tradition. Imagine, though, the poors have to do it with cake!" by Kimsama

Monster Mash by Foster Kamer*

*not actually eligible to win the cash

"It's subtle..." by Anonymous

Trump Soho by Anonymous

Bachelor Party by Anonymous

It appears that a friend (or family member?) got a little close to the bartender at the couple's second reception at Manhattan's Puck Building last night and can't stop thinking about him. Like anyone obsessed with that hottie behind the bar who gives a little wink for a bigger tip, he took to Craigslist to see if he could score. Please apply a big [sic].

Bartender at Ivanka Trumps wedding celebration - m4m - 32 (SoHo)

I was with my cousin and couldnt think of what I wanted to drink. I ended up getting a JW and Coke and by the look on your face I could tell you werent a fan... well, of the drink I hope. You had on black frame glasses and black hair. You're stunning. If you remember me, what color was my tie?

If we were that bartender, we would get right to responding, because this guy has got to be rich! Any of the Kusher-Trump cronies who might be a poor, gay single would be trying to score someone with some scratch among the well-heeled attendees. Only one with his own business (trust fund? excellent job? jewelry line?) would even bother looking twice at the help. This is your Cinderella moment, anonymous bartender. Seize it!

Also: tomorrow we're picking the winner of our Javanka wedding photo contest, so you still have time to work this anecdote into your entry. Winner gets $150.

The NYO reports that McGeveran, a popular boss, is leaving "to start a new business venture." Not so surprising. Consider the position McGeveran walked into: Forced to take over for a legend, then saddled with the insulting "interim editor" title, and immediately handed the task of firing a huge percentage of his editorial employees. Not fun.

What's left now? Jared Kushner, the 28-year-old New Jersey real estate scion (and Ivanka Trump's new husband) who purchased the weekly in 2006. It's his paper from top to bottom now. There are no (powerful) dissenters left. Whatever happens to the Observer from here on out, the blame rests squarely on Kushner's shoulders. He starts his reign by mourning McGeveran with a perfunctory statement from a flack.

In his farewell email, McGeveran urged his staff: "Don't ever think that you missed the golden era of the paper." Well. The golden era of the paper is probably not in the future, under the reign of Jared Kushner, at least. Good luck to everyone there.
[Pic: douglemoine]

The Africa honeymoon follows Wednesday's private reception for their nearest and dearest friends, relatives and tenants — 1,000 people at the Puck Building. And even then friends may still be discussing the wedding invitations they'd received. It had a flier inside for Donald's other golf properties.

Thanks, dad. You're a real embarrassment.

• Scientology flack Creepy McReminds-Me-Of-Tom-Cruise (real name Tommy Davis) walked out on Martin Bashir on Nightline, saying he wouldn't discuss "disgusting perversions" of his faith. Or, if you notice, deny said "disgusting perversions" about Xenu and volcanoes (because they're probably true.) Page Six reports that he then came back to the ABC studio 45 minutes before the show was set to air and tried to get it canned. Security guards and staffers, probably ridden with thetans, told him he couldn't speak to Bashir or the executive producer and that the show would run unchanged. This made Davis sad. As senior church members probably aren't allowed to savagely beat junior minions any more, we can only guess how he dealt with this crimp in his Sunday evening. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brooke Hundley, the 22-year-old ESPN production assistant who Steve Phillips was fired for sleeping with, has also been hefted out of the network. Perhaps not surprising considering she went 431 kinds of crazy after she got dumped by Phillips, and blew the whole thing. Most importantly though, the Post has a new insult-to-injury description of the pudgy paramour: "schlubby seductress." [New York Post]
  
  
• The stalker Justin Timberlake had to restraining-order last week apparently has eclectic taste in music. And by music I mean musicians. TMZ points out that Karen Jane McNeil also had a restraining order filed against her by Lars Ulrich of Metallica back in March. She's not allowed within 150 yards of the band, their families and the people who run the fan club (the last one just makes me sad at the caliber of modern stalkers). She's also banned from going near Axl Rose. Kenny Loggins, watch your back! [TMZ]
  
  
• Diane Von Furstenburg got mugged in Madrid while in town to pick up an award. "I just got robbed in the street in front of the Thyssen museum . . . My wallet, cash and all my credit cards!!" Tweeted DVF. Before adding "I am totally fine!! I hope it the worst thing that will happen to me. Getting a big prize tomorrow so going to sleep now." [Page Six]
  
  
• Ah, Phil Spector. You just can't stop underlining the kind of charming eccentricities that landed you in jail for murder. He once sent his friend, celebrity lawyer Marvin Mitchelson his romantic version of how a pre-nup should read: "1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. 8. If I think it's fine, it's mine. 9. If it is near me, it's mine. 10. If it's broccoli, it's yours." [Page Six]
  
  
• Talking of potential pre-nups: Renee Zellweger plans to spend the holidays in Philadelphia with the family of her boyfriend Bradley Cooper. "Renee and Bradley are crazy about each other," says 'a source'. Come on source, come up with a more original line than that. How about "Renee and Bradley fucking loathe each other but are desperately insecure and always have to be dating someone else famous"? Whether it's true or not it beats the same old "this definitely solidifies how serious they are" and "they're really trying to keep this under the radar," crap we get every time Mr. or Mrs. Source-Close-To picks up the phone on this kind of story. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ivanka Trump will stay kosher for Jared Kushner. Also, the swag bags at their wedding featured flip-flops with the tag "Ivanka and Jared - what a pair" on them. Which goes to prove that swag at every event, even the joining of extraordinarily rich families, now sucks. [Cindy Adams]
  
  
• A-Rod and Kate Hudson celebrated the Yankees' win by going to Serafina on the Upper East Side. A few tables away was Hideki Matsui, also celebrating. For some reason the civilized nature of these celebrations upsets me. [Page Six]
  
  
• Teen Vogue are working on a new reality TV show because they miss having Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port around the place, apparently. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais will present the Golden Globes. And has a "free rein," which seems to predict at least one or two awkward moments. [Sky News]
  
  

We asked for attendees of yesterday's nuptials to send us their own pics when we saw the New York Post's exclusive wedding portrait this morning. After we saw the photos pop up on the websites for People, Star and PopSugar, we started making calls to find out how they got the pics, too.

A phone chain commenced. First their wedding photographer Fred Marcus Photography wouldn't tell us anything beyond "No comment." Then Steve Rubenstein (who reps both Jared and the Post) told us to call Ivanka's rep Rona Graf who told us the wedding pics are free handouts and to call Getty, which is distributing the photos. Getty, though, said that we had to promise to only use the photos for a "positive story." (That is how you get headlines like People's "FIRST PHOTO: 'Beautiful and Smart' Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner.") This, Getty said, was on orders of a P.R. representing the couple (they wouldn't say who exactly) and since Gawker doesn't make ludicrous pledges, you'll have to go elsewhere to get your Kushner-Trump nuptial photographic fix.

So, we're starting a Gawker Contest*: We're offering $150 to the best Photoshop job on any of their handout wedding photos. Also, we'll pay the same prize to the person that sends us the best wedding photo that hasn't been released yet. Put your entries in the comments, or email us. The entire KushnerTrump clan anxiously awaits your work.

*Standard contest rules apply.

Plenty of guests must have tons of pics of the wedding. Why let the Kushner-Rubenstein-Post cabal control its entire image? If you have any wedding pics, email us—anonymity guaranteed—and we'll make our own unauthorized wedding album. The people want to see their betters in their full regalia!

Update: The conspiracy deepens! PopSugar just posted a gallery of the photos with the credit line "Photo courtesy of Brian Marcus/Fred Marcus Photography via Getty Images." When we called Fred Marcus Photography to find out who's licensing these photos, the not-very-helpful lady who picked up the phone just repeatedly said "No comment." More: Star appears to have shelled out for the pics, too.

As I would imagine her father might say, let's just cut to the bullshit and get to the point. Ivanka Trump is getting married to Jared Kushner like, right now. Depending on when you read this they might literally be clasping hands under the chuppah at this very moment. That's not even the beautiful sun you see shining out there today — it's just the reflected wattage from the two real estate scions, "lit from within by wealth and privilege".

But for all that wealth and privilege, the Times wedding announcement is kind of a hot mess! On the one hand, it's got the primo spot in print: upper left hand column, adjacent to the featured "Vows" article about a zaftig production lady who had to spend her special day with, of all people, Kelly Ripa. But there are numerous oddities. In contrast to the standard listing of names in the announcement headline, we get a complete sentence: "Ivanka Trump Weds Jared Kushner". Which is fine, (and maybe more SEO-friendly?) except the layout appears like this in print:

       Ivanka Trump
Weds Jared Kushner

So that for a moment I thought he had some secret first name and wasn't just Jared Kushner but was W. Jared Kushner. And I'm sorry but people who do the first initial thing always kind of creep me out! So that caught me off guard. Moving on, great picture (the Post has the full one; I like her outfit) but they totally didn't "arrange themselves with their eyebrows on exactly the same level and with their heads fairly close together".

Who wrote this announcement? No, I'm seriously wondering, because we need to discuss the context and grammatical decisions behind each and every sentence. First, we get a full E! Where Are They Now episode about mama Ivana, who "founded two companies in New York: Ivana Inc., which handles her speaking engagements, books and other commercial ventures; and Ivana Haute Couture, which sells jewelry, perfumes and cosmetics on television". But in contrast, information about The Donald is extremely glancing, solely relegated to the nonrestrictive clause "her father's real estate company" in a sentence about Ivanka.

Probably not surprising. But Donald gets off easy in comparison to Charles Kushner:

"The bridegroom's father, who is a founder of his family's real estate business, stepped down as the company's chairman in 2004, owing to his legal problems, and has since resumed his title."

WHAT. I get that they've already namedropped the name of the family empire earlier in the paragraph (in addition to being the publisher of the New York Observer, Jared is, casually, "a principal in the Kushner Companies") but that sentence! So catty, structured as it is so that the whole "stepping down" is the primary active verb; the meat of the sentence. Me-ouch. Given the close relationship between father and son, the language is all the more puzzling.

[Photo via New York Magazine]

I like Jared and Ivanka. They're both such pretty princesses, and say what you will about the evils of nepotism: at least they keep themselves busy. Ivanka's Twitter feed has also won me over. Just this morning she went on a hike (I really, really would love it if she subscribed to Peggy Noonan's definition of "hike", btw) and her crowdsourcing call to arms about possible wedding song selections yielded a treasure trove of suggestions, including this, which: yes.

Jesus, other people got married this weekend too, you know. Like the aforementioned Lori Schulweis, a production coordinator for the Regis and Kelly show who had the distinct fortune of having her meager love life and her weight discussed live on air all the time. That is not something that ever ends well. Finally, even the poor woman's 97-year old grandmother was like "um, have you tried match.com, dear?" Ultimately she found David Buder, who didn't mind it on their first date when she "was pulling out a picture of her dog" and "somehow the bar stool she was on tipped".

But more importantly: how annoying would it be to have Kelly Ripa as a guest at your wedding?

Here we have Madeleine Resnick and Jeffrey Novich, two lovers brought together by their love of higher education — she is the membership coordinator at the Penn Club, he a private SAT tutor — and questionably named startups:

"The bride's mother is a public relations consultant there, and is a founder of BigOoga.com, a networking site for entrepreneurs. The bride's stepfather is a financial analyst at Northern Trust Bank in Chicago.

The bridegroom, 29, is a private SAT, math, and physics totor for Bespoke Education in New York. He is also the founder of VocabSushi.com, which helps students learn vocabulary using sentences from news articles."

Good god I hate the Internet.

Elsewhere this weekend, some frightened groom has to contend with a father-in-law who was a top State Department official in Caracas, Venezuela and Chiang Mai, Thailand (oh yeah, Jack can talk Thai REAL well); this picture looks photoshopped, right? and multiple couples met at the nation's most important singles bar: Harvard.

In fact, one early-blooming power couple met even before they made their way to Cambridge! Shane Wilson and Jessica Manners — OMG yes "Ms. Manners", and you're goddamn right she's keeping that name — met when they attended one of those high school nerd camps (oh, don't roll your eyes, you know you all went to CTY at Johns Hopkins too, geeks!) to study topics like "the future of New Jersey" and, apparently, "how to talk to the opposite sex".

In the wake of the Thrillist/Jetblue (TM) World's Most Boring Scandal of 2009, I should make a full disclosure: I am not a fully objective party, having once shared a delightful brunch with Jessica and Shane that was marred only by their blatant disinterest in firing up a game of Taboo. What was up with that, guys?

And so normally I steer clear of the featured video interviews with One Lucky Couple on the Times website, because they're just a little too Christopher Guest-y for me to accept that they're real, but I made an exception in this case. And the 2ish minute mark aside — "we both got in early so ... that worked out" — this was pretty touching! As one friend put it, when you know the people involved, "it's like Altarcations, but all of the ha's are awwww's."

And really, when the groom brags to the national newspaper of record that his bride's "nose is very squishy", you kind of have to awwww. Because that, folks, is true dorky beautiful love.

[Ed. Even I emailed Phyllis the following editorial directive earlier this morning: "SQUISHY NOSES!!!11!" Of course, she was already on this. Also, even though they're not being scored: she's keeping her last name, -2, but it's "Manners," so +4. Amirite?]

This week's matchup:

Heather Elliot and Stuart Rachels

• The bride graduated from Duke, received a Master of Philosophy from Yale, and earned a law degree at Berkeley: +5
• The groom graduated summa cum laude from Emory, was a Marshall Scholar at Oxford, and earned a PhD at Syracuse: +5
• The bride was Ruth Bader Ginsburg's law clerk: +1
• Ruth Bader Ginsburg did not have any part in officiating the wedding: -1
• "In 1981, at age 11, Mr. Rachels became the youngest American chess master, a record he held until 1994": +2
• The couple are both professors: +3
• At the University of Alabama: -1
• The bride's mother had the same job as Rene Russo in Outbreak: +1

TOTAL: 15

Lindsay Levkoff, Jeffrey Lynn

• The bride graduated summa cum laude from Tennessee, earned a master's at Oxford as a Fulbright Scholar, and tacked on a Harvard MBA: +7
• The groom has a law degree from Oxford with an MBA on the way, graduated magna cum laude from Penn, and also went to law school at UVA: +9
• The groom's mother is chairwoman emeritus of the Arizona Theatre Company and his dad is on the board of trustees of the Heard Museum in Phoenix: +2
• "Ms Levkoff and Mr. Lynn may be among the few couples who can say that former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher played Cupid for them.": +1985

TOTAL: Hubba bloody hubba.

Oh, we forgot to mention that Ivanka's jewelry line is sponsoring her own party as well. No wonder it's called The Trump Card: Playing to Win in Work and Life, cause she's combining both together! Here is the invite for Wednesday's party, where the name Trump appears no less than nine times, fully one-eighth of the total words on the invite (that's counting times and logos). Quest Magazine is hosting the event in name only, so that there would be another name on the invite other than Trump. We just can't wait to see a picture of Donald Trump and Ivanka Trump in Trump Tower at the Trump book party drinking Trump Vodka. The caption will look like a game of hearts, but with fewer kings and more jokers.

The book itself sounds just like what you would expect from something that has a cover about as '80s as a Dynasty rerun. From the Barnes and Noble description:

The Trump Card also features "Bulletins" from Ivanka's BlackBerry that tap into the wisdom of today's leaders, including Arianna Huffington, Tory Burch, and Cathie Black. "We've all been dealt a winning hand," Ivanka writes, "and it is up to each of us to play it right and smart."

Do you mean all those women have been dealt a winning hand or that each and every human has? It looks to me like a bunch of privileged white ladies are holding all the cards while the deck is stacked against the rest of us.

For a family as into self promotion as the Trumps, it's amazing that Ivanka has been so mum about her wedding plans and that she is releasing a book less than two weeks before he planned October 25 wedding to Jared Kushner of New York Observer fame. Wouldn't that cause undue attention to the wedding? Actually, it will probably cause undue attention (and potential sales) to her new book. Very crafty indeed, Ms. Trump.

Oh, and where is the wedding being held? At Trump National Golf Course, no less. At this rate, she's going to name her first born Trump Kushner-Trump.

• The nuns at Lady Gaga's Catholic high school saw her VMA performance and, according to a source, "were not amused." [Page Six]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson has called off the futile search party for her dog, who was eaten by a coyote. [TMZ]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Martha Stewart isn't offering Simpson a sympathetic shoulder. The kitchen queen says the pop star should have been more careful. But those coyotes are wiley! [Page Six]
  
  
• Annoying singer Avril Levigne and her husband, Deryck Whibley are separating. You know what that means? Divorce. [Us]
  
  
• What? We're confused. Amy Winehouse, who once had an appetite only for powder and booze, ate three times in one night. [The Sun]
  
  
• Madonna's pants are invisible! [3am]
  
  
• So is Mena Suvari: door men are having a hard time recognizing the once-ubiquitous actress. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl's adopted baby is Asian, cute and in for one hell of a ride. [Us]
  
  
• Michelle Williams went to a Brooklyn coffee shop and some nosy kid asked her daughter about having daddy Heath Ledger die: "Are you so sad that your daddy died like Michael Jackson?" [Page Six]
  
  
• Sorry, Gawkers: Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner won't sell their wedding pictures. But we're sure some will leak anyway. [Page Six]
  
  
• Robbie Williams fears for Susan Boyle's sanity: "It will not take much to push her over the edge. Her head seems like a strange place to be." We can only imagine. [The Sun]

Word trickling in from the Manhattan new media crowd is that Kushner has been taking meetings and asking for "ideas" about what to do with his paper. The descriptions of the discussions that have reached us makes it sound like he's more interested in finding a graceful way to get rid of the paper.

In April, Kushner told us in a statement that "The Huffington Post and Politico both independently reached out to us to discuss web partnerships," and that Politico asked if the paper was for sale (Kushner said it wasn't, at the time). But the word that he's been asking around again for salvation ideas indicates that something's bound to happen—and it probably won't be good for the print edition. Common sense dictates that selling the paper right now is a poor economic option, if not an impossibility; what that leaves, in terms of choices that would benefit Kushner's wallet, isn't clear.

This year or so hasn't been easy at the Observer. Longtime editor Peter Kaplan left in May, and a slew of the paper's best writers were laid off in June. Even the cleaning lady was fired. Kushner bought Very Short List and announced he's launching a new Real Estate paper to shore up his mini-empire, but neither of those sound like very good revenue-generators. And a profile of Jared in New York mag didn't win him any friends.

[Pic: Getty]

That is correct! Kushner's launching The Commercial Observer, a free weekly trade-y paper focused on the NYC commercial real estate market, next month. Figure this one out:

The Commercial Observer, with 24 to 28 pages an issue, will be delivered free to 10,000 people in the city's real estate business. The new paper will sell subscriptions for $240 a year, and it may eventually charge industry insiders, as well, Mr. Kusher said, but "what I care about most is that the right people are getting it." There will be no newsstand sales.

The NYO itself had serious layoffs recently. The real estate trade publication niche is already crowded. And yet NYO execs tell the Times they will "avoid cannibalizing" the NYO's own remaining advertising, somehow. We've emailed Kushner's rep to find out how they plan to do that, and whether this new venture is more of an editorial or advertorial thing. But uh, if this thing works out we will acknowledge Jared Kushner's hidden media genius. It's possible he knows something we don't! He is already much richer than us.
[Pic: Getty]

When Jared Kushner isn't busy firing some of the city's best reporters, insulting the remains of his staff, or taking the "sloppy seconds" approach to venture capitalism, he might be too busy to seek help in one of the New York Observer's more neglected blind spots: Equine Relations.

Lo and behold, then, the Heroic Destiny Squad, who thinks they (or he) can be part of a symbiotic relationship with the Observer regarding the salvation of the horses who escort tourists through Central Park on buggy rides. And also, because Kushner's a Jew, he already works for this dude. Your front-running nominee for Totally Batshit Correspondence of the Year, we present: the New York Observer's Crazy Horse Guy.

From: Justin Massler
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:45:11 -0400
Subject: Important Message for All New York Observer Reporters

Good day reporters of The New York Observer, would anyone like to help save horses on this fine summer day?

I will explain the situation I am writing in regards to.

As some of you may know, many horses are currently imprisoned as slaves being forced to pull carriages in Central Park for the amusement of tourists.

My name is Justin Massler and recently I was appointed by Angels to be the King of the Jews in the tradition of previous Kings such as Moses, David, Solomon, and Jesus.

I have been ordered by the God of the Jews to free the horses who are enslaved as carriage pullers in Central Park for the purposes of restoring freedom to the lands, much like how Moses himself had to free the Jews from their enslavement in Egypt so many years ago.

I have decided to commandeer The New York Observer for this purpose which I can do since it's owned by Jared Kushner who is a Jew and therefore one of my subjects which makes his properties subject to emergency commandeering if it is deemed necessary for Divine Purposes.

Anyways, does anyone want to help with this cool elite mission of animal rights heroism? We can use The Observer to launch a propaganda campaign to ban horse carriages and influence public opinion against this unjust practice.

I am therefore recruiting reporters from this paper to take part in this noble cause.

The website of my hero team is http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/ so you can see that I'm legitimate and not just making this stuff up.

Hopefully someone will respond to this in a positive manner and I won't just be ignored by every single person like has happened to me before in the past which is a depressing thing to have happen, but I suppose such are the trials heroes such as myself must endure in our quest for justice at any cost.

Sincerely,

Justin Massler

President of Heroic Destiny Squad

http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/

P.S.

Also, does anyone know Jared Kushner's phone number or personal e-mail address? Or better yet, does anyone know where he hangs out?

I figure since he's the owner of The Observer I can commandeer it more quickly if I just get Kushner to agree to this plot himself.

I tried sending him a message before but I think he's trying to avoid me even though I'm his King which is like how sometimes kids try to hide from their parents. Is it true he lives at 21 Astor Place above the Starbucks? If so I can just try to find him at his house and talk some sense into him.

If anyone can give me any info on where this guy can be found it would be much appreciated.

Cheerio.

He is legitimate and not making this stuff up. Moses sent him! Or something.

He is also scary and possibly insane, and this is the kind of stuff we get routinely, too! Good to know all publications of all stripes can still find common ground in the batshit people who take time to write them this kind of stuff.

Thomas, who recently published his novel Love & Money, originally wrote about his decision to leave for his personal site.

Sunday I sent around an e-message to friends telling them that I felt it was time to leave the NY Observer. As I usually am, I was candid about my reasons. I have no intellectual or ideological connection to the new regime there. Tom McGeveran, the new editor, seems like a very nice guy, but we've never worked together, and since I have some idea what Peter Kaplan endured over the last couple of years, I can only imagine that Tom must feel, some mornings, that he's woken up in the journalistic equivalent of the trenches at Verdun.

My e-circulation list included a few people in what we broadly call media." Friends who happen to be journalists, people for whom I've written. Page Six wasn't on the list, not that I don't like Richard Johnson, and enjoy what he does, because I do - emphatically - but I simply didn't think the departure of an old guy of 73 after a gig that ran 22 years from first word to last was very gossipworthy. I lawyer friend of mine is fond of saying, "In e-mail, the e' stands for 'evidence'" - advice that I've taken to heart, but - to repeat myself - I really didn't think there was any evidentiary interest in my having decided to go in the direction I have. That I used to refer to Donald Trump as "the Prince of Swine" is a matter of record; in my NYO column I took a view of the way people exhibited themselves in public (their private lives were off the record) and got themselves written about. Nicknames and sobriquets were a neat way of sticking a pin in; I was particularly fond of my coinage for Ralph Lauren: "the Wee Haberdasher." There were risks in this; having referred once to a fashion personality as "a shirtlifter," I found myself essentially blacklisted with regard to freelance assignments for a major publishing company. Anyway, public is as public does, and private is something else. I know Donald Trump's dirty secret, going back some 40 years, when we were both on the board of the much-missed Le Club. It is this: when he shrugs off the public persona that sells books and buildings and TV bullying, he's a very nice guy. But don't tell anyone!

Anyway, someone on my list obviously forwarded the e-mail to Page Six. I'm pretty certain I know who it is, because there are only one or two people on my circulation list to whose lives publicity — the trade-off of someone else's info for future mention of oneself — is as vital and essential a force as gravity is to the solar system. Not that it matters.

But that's really neither here nor there. It does prompt one or two reflections about my former employer. Some dozen years ago, it must have been, Conrad Black briefly flirted with the idea of buying the NYO. A mutual friend, the late, beloved Arthur Ross, called me up and invited me - then a NYO headliner - to meet Conrad for an exchange of views. After the usual pleasantries, I asked Conrad what he thought of NYO as a newspaper. I've never forgotten his answer: "The NYO isn't a newspaper," he said, "it's a mascot."
I think Conrad had a point. Long, long ago the paper hit a circulation wall at around the 50,000 mark - a level it's never surmounted since to any meaningful degree. This suggests that people grow into the paper and later grow out of it. In the past six months, I can't count how many times someone's come up to me and said "I see you're back in the NYO. I gave up my subscription but now I'll start reading it again."

Here's the thing. When you're young, at least until the recent economic mess, life is a lark, to be lived in and of the moment. You want to be hip, current, a la mode. You don't want serious - which is why most young people don't read newspapers, because the NYT et al traffic in the serious. But as you grow older, life starts to get more serious. Policy begins to matter more than personality. The latest fashion no longer matters, the latest scandal, the latest nightclub. They no longer make movies that anyone with an IQ over the national speed limit can suffer through, and hip-hop is unspeakable, so you quickly stop knowing exactly what the latest celebrity is famous for. You're no longer the person the NYO is written and published for. You give it up.

Most people won't believe this, but the NYO started life as a serious paper. The city already had enough of those, however, and Graydon Carter came along and created the editorial enlivenment that got the paper talked about. I stopped writing thinkpieces about capitalism and started calling people funny names, and Women's Wear Daily sent someone to interview me and take my picture. Pretty heady stuff.
The trick is, however, to hold your original audience while adding new readers. Twenty years ago, I pleaded with Arthur Carter to start a Medicine page, on the theory that of the straws that stir the New York drink, medicine is right up there with media and finance, and an aging readership, naturally more mindful of its health, of what are called "wellness issues," would stay with us. Just look at how New York does with its annual "Best Doctors" issue. Arthur didn't buy the idea. I tried again with the new publisher. He didn't answer my e-mail. I still think the idea's a good one.

In my demographic, no day begins without a lament for the late Sun. In culture, arts, sports - and in coverage of the city, which was NYO's original stakeout - it quickly rose right to the top. Made chopped liver of the NYT, with its pathetic, alienating effort to be groovy. Early on, Seth Lipsky asked me to write for his fledgling paper. I was also being importuned to return to the NYO. Here's what I told Seth: "I'm on the horns of a dilemma. Either I can be a juvenile on a grownup paper, or a grownup on a juvenile paper."

I think that says it all.