The Fifteen Most Useless Internet Euphemisms

Nick Douglas — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:55:08 EDT

"We didn't attempt to silence Violet. We unpublished our own work." That's how the geek culture blog Boing Boing defended their decision to delete every post referring to sex writer Violet Blue for no given reason. The team's refusal to explain further turned this obscure event into a giant blog fight: because a couple of bloggers hid behind mealy-mouthed words instead of coming out firing all weapons, like proper Internet talk is supposed to go. Driven by the same old ass-covering impulse, anyone trying to make a buck uses bland business-speak online: "Restructuring" for mass layoffs, "brand advertising" for ads that no one clicks. Below are over a dozen such terms and their true definitions.

Unpublished: Blacklisted. Made famous by Boing Boing, who insists that they didn't violate their standards of openness by hushing someone up.
Brand advertising: Bad clickthroughs. "We have a clickthrough rate of one in ten thousand, but we're more of a brand destination."
Influential: Unread. If a site isn't popular, it insists its small audience is made of "influentials" or "early adopters."
Update: Fix. On a blog or in a program, an update means something was broken.
Experimental: Failed. Everyone secretly hopes their projects take off, so they can say "Oh, it was just a fun little project!" More often, the project gets just the attention it deserved: none.
Long tail: Obscure. Because it's a book title, "long tail" has a cache that hides its actual meaning: things that get very little attention and only matter in aggregate.
Stealth marketing: Hoax. "Viral campaigns" like the dubious ad for headsets that showed phones popping popcorn (a scientific impossibility) are just fraudulent hoaxes. Putting them on YouTube doesn't change that.
Platform: Vague idea. Instead of a useful tool, a tool for other people to make useful tools. Possibly a cash cow, but boring. (For a geekier set, a platform is for those too lazy to code; an API is for those too lazy to write a platform.)
Pile-on: Unanimous criticism we're ignoring. Used by Boing Boing to imply that the lucrative commercial six-person blog had no chance to defend themselves from the masses of powerful, uh, blog commenters.
Stepping up: Stepping down. Used when a CEO is pushed out and exiled to the board or made "president."
Beta: Broken. For some web services, "beta" is as regular as PMS until Google buys the company.
Viral: Cheap. Of course, sometimes that's the kind of ad a brand deserves. Note which brand was faster to jump on viral videos: Not Coke, but Mentos.
Restructuring: Mass layoffs. Even shiftier than "downsizing."
User-generated: Quality-deprived. Or "can't afford an NBC deal." Except for a few impressive exceptions, user-generated content is a swamp not worth slogging through, which is why sites like YouTube set up a partner program for "better" producers.
Contextual advertising: Bottom-of-the-barrel ads. What's left over after "brand advertising" and served with "user-generated" content.

Remainders: Michael Arrington, Web 2.0 midwife

ndouglas — Tue, 02 May 2006 21:10:57 EDT

The new "Get a Mac" ads (pictured) starring a dorky office guy as a PC and a generic-Tobey-Maguire as a Mac? Pretty cute. So is that "new camera from Japan," anyone got her number? [Apple]
TechCrunch celebrates Newsy-Bloggy-Startup Launch Day: 1, 2, 3, Mikey likes 'em! [TechCrunch]
The Beeb and the Times both dig ATM cards that handle virtual-world money and real-world cash. Sounds fun, until a server crashes and you suddenly can't pay your real rent. [BBC and NYT]
Jargon watch: it's not just a "schedule," it's a "time map!" [Julie Morgenstern via Cyrus Farivar]
Intel shoots for the under-$400 PC. Apple continues shooting for the $40,000 Mac. [NYT]

Gawker: Jargon

The Fifteen Most Useless Internet Euphemisms

Remainders: Michael Arrington, Web 2.0 midwife