• First of all, do you people not know how to shag balls? Learn. Today's lead Page Six story concerns Derek Jeeeeeetah and his lady plaything, Friday Night Lights hotness Minka Kelly (and really, who dates a girl named Minka Kelly but Derek Jeter? Oh, that's right: Tim Riggins...) going on a grand tour of St. Jetersburg, which is what Derek's new Florida house has been dubbed by someone who thinks of funny words to go with gigantic funny houses. Yeah, they went to St. Barts and then Jeter and his parents and Minka took a tour of what's apparently going to be Tampa, Florida's largest house (where Jeter goes for Spring Training). Apparently, Minka thought of how she's going to decorate all the rooms and he thought of which rooms he's going to have sex with Minka Kelly in (answer: all of them, except for the Slug Room). Well, that's quite a distinguishment, to be Tampa, Florida's biggest anything. Also: real romantic, Jeter. A housetour? Nice. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, this is awesome: Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola girl for George Lopez's TBS show. Inevitably, someone will wet their pants over being offended by this. Good! Because there are people who should get offended when they see this picture of Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola. They're assholes. And we need them to make the rest of us look normal. [NYDN]
  
  
• Anna Wintour's daughter, Bee Shaffer, who's taken a job as College Humor found Ricky Van Veen's Girl Friday, is going apartment hunting with the moms. Aw! Except when you go apartment hunting with Ma Wintour, there's no "aw." More like *shudder*. They're looking at places in SoHo and Anna was seen "in stilettos and texting furiously on her BlackBerry." Yeah, aspiring real estate agents, that's a deal you want to be working on. Fun. [Page Six]
  
  
• Spreewell! Put a little mustard on those mortgage payments. [NYDN]
  
  
• Apparently, nobody stays in for the holidays anymore, or so goes Page Six's Sociological Theory after spotting Martha Stewart out and about at the Four Seasons for Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, no, Martha can cook a bitch like none other, but she saves the weaponry for when people are supposed to be watching. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Fresh Prince of PA-POW! is here: meet Will Smith's kid, The New Karate Kid, who's training to go into Nu-Miyagi-Crane-Kick mode with Jackie Chan. INYOFACE, Cobra Kai. [People]
  
  
• Further evidence of maybe they're right: Alec Baldwin is going to quit acting when his 30 Rock contract ends, he says. When's that? 2012. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, I'm pretty sure Page Six is suggesting Diddy and Jay-Z are gay with this one. Ready? Diddy and Hov kicked it at CV's lounge, which rents out at $5,000 a night, comes with "padded walls" a magnum of champers, a couch, and eight ounces—eight...ounces—of beluga caviar. Right, the gay part isn't the caviar, but who needs eight ounces of beluga caviar? Like, really? Shit isn't that good. Also, isn't caviar so late 90s? Like, gross. Anyway: "There don't seem to be specific rules on what can go on in there, but sources say Diddy and Jay-Z "relaxed and shared a drink while listening to the music." Right, sources. Wouldn't that be funny if Beyonce had to start looking out for Diddy? Related: we don't believe you, you need more people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good god, is this creepy and weird: a bunch of celebrities are being paid to attend this Australian quack doctor's marriage to a 26 year-old American ingenue. The ones Page Six knows about for sure? Jason Alexander and Fran Drescher. Ughghhh. Creepy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ray Allen was going to buy a pair of $1,000 shoes, and then didn't. Thrifty? BALLER STATUS. [Page Six]
  
  
• Want to know what the creepy Amy Fisher people are up to these days? Here: they're involved with boxing matches with Rodney King. Like, when did the political celebrities of yesteryear start networking? Gross? [Page Six]
  
  
• Super supermarket bestseller novelist David Baldacci and John Grisham are homies, and when they get together, they basically just shit books that sell a bajillion copies before they even hit mass market paperback. Most involve lawyers and crime. Most are not as good as The Client. Also, John Grisham, so 90s, right? Like caviar. [Page Six]
  
  
• Security holes! They're all the rage. Literally: Mike Tyson's fight at LAX apparently wasn't captured on camera, thereby exposing a huge security blind spot at one of America's most trafficked airports. Everyone should hire Mike Tyson as a security consultant. Honestly. If I were a robber, and I saw a "This Place Was Secured By Mike Tyson, Who Will Eat Your Babies If You Come Any Closer" sticker, do you think I'd come any closer? Answer: no. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Hoff had a seizure! Noes! Yes. He did. He was not eating a hamburger when it happened. But he's still drunk, often, and they think that might've had something to do with it. He was not rushed to the hospital in slow motion. He's still there. Hopefully, he will get out, and get his shit together. [NYDN]

Okay, how 'bout we just get through today? Don't lie: some of you are excited to get back to the workweek tomorrow. You are probably New Yorkers, you probably work seven days a week, and you are just as fucked up and insane as the rest of us. Anyway! Savor this Sunday! It's yours. Or, if you're like me, just get through it. And still own that shit!

Anyway. Here:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart decided to opt out of going to The Box for their New York New Moon premiere after-party, instead opting to go to Avenue, where they could sit around, drink vodka, drink beer, get trashed, leave, go home, and do it. Robert Pattinson's psychotic, obsessive stalkerfans, are you listening? Tune your teenage to mid-30s adult ears to this: Rather than hang out with Kellan Lutz and the rest of their cast, you know what they're doing? They're going home and doing it. Now, I know, I know, you all think Kristen Stewart is the most evil thing in the universe and that she should die a fiery death while Rob realizes who the real lady of his life needs to be: you. You should probably get used to the fact that (A) this will never happen because you're not movie-star good looking and she is, (B) the love you do find will be some kind of settlement, (C) and they will probably work in middle management, and (D) they will not be a blood-sucking vampire, they will just suck at your will to live. So! While Robert Pattinson enjoys ditching his Twilight castmates for getting drunk and doing it with Kristen Stewart, you're getting prepared for life! #NotAfraidToBeServicey. Psychos. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, Boris and Natasha-esque Rush and Molloy, you done did good on this one! Today the Daily News gossip duo focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on Christie Brinkley's fourth divorce, from Peter Cook, which ex-husband Billy Joel is being a mensch about and stepping up to her defense for. Unfortunately, this is being countered by a former Brinkley maid, Alzirene Vianna, stepping out and giving details for. This shit is too crazy. Highlights: Christie never encouraged her daughter to call her dad, Billy. Christie told her then 8 year-old daughter that she basically needed to stop fucking up her relationship with Kristie's new mans. Christie used to kick doors when she was locked out of rooms by her husbands. Christie was a pillhead. Christie used to throw stuff at husbands leaving in cars from inside their house, via window. Basically: Christie Brinkley is insane, and on her fourth divorce because of it. [NYDN]
  
  
• NICE. While every guy in the club the other night after the Victoria's Secret fashion show was clamoring to get a spot next to some of the hotness, Jay-Z gave explicit instructions to keep him away from them because he didn't want to piss off Beyonce. The man's got respect for his lady, yo. If I were with Beyonce, I would, too. Jay-Z's gonna be the one guy not to fuck his good thing up. Nice. Alternate Take/Conspiracy Theory: Jay-Z worked very hard to stay away from models at the Victoria's Secret show to get his publicist to plant an item that could be corroborated with other accounts and placed in Page Six so Beyonce would let him off the short leash he's on to go kick it with models. Yeah, but again, the problem with this theory is that Jay-Z's married Beyonce. [Page Six]
  
  
• Best random fact of the day: Andre Leon Talley wears size 16 shoes. Yes, they are bespoke. [Page Six]
  
  
• OH COME ON Page Six. Today's front story is such boring bullshit (they put Patz and K-Stew in the second spot). They open up with this awesome lede about how, wait, just, read this: "They say practice makes perfect. When Mark Consuelos tried out for a permanent role on the ABC soap "All My Children," his behind-closed-doors rehearsals with future wife Kelly Ripa paid off big." So you're thinkin, oh, man, maybe they had some kind of secret closet conspiracy sex or something, awesome, Evil Kelly Ripa is the shit, except, not. Nope. It's just the story about how their rehearsal scenes for soaps were better than everyone else's because they'd done did it before. Like, sex. Except I guess sex in Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos' world involves lots of bare-manchest making out, heavy breathing, and speaking in expository plot points between breaths. Oh, and the people holding the rehearsals didn't know. This is top story material? Really? Related: Soap Operas make you stupider. Anything that Gossip Girl can make look functionally braindead is, on some level, an impressive feat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Richie Akiva, the guy who owns Butter and 1OAK, which are big clubby clubs that famous people go to, is having a big Thanksgiving celebration at Butter for all the clubby club people who stay in town to go eat and drink at because their families hate them because they're club rats. Kidding! No, but really, I hope they stuff their turkey with ketamine. I'd stick around for that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Diddy threw a $3M birthday party at The Plaza. There were lion-tamers and fire-breathers and clowns and magicians and probably a few druglords or two. JK, you guys. There were no lion-tamers. But there were lots of people and, oh wait, what's this? Security was tight and even Tyrese Gibson and "Twilight's" Kellan Lutz had to talk their way into the VIP area. Is it just me or is Tyrese talking his way into more and more security areas these days? Anyway. I hope Diddy got all the cheesecake he wanted for his birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cross-dressing perv Marv Albert and Fiddy Cent did or did not have some kind of run-in on the Kimmel show. What? I don't know. How the hell does a rumor start about Marv Albert getting into a fight with Fiddy Cent's entourage? There are at least 21 questions about this kind of thing, none of the answers do I give a shit about knowing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oprah announced that she's leaving The (Talk Show) Game, and now her best friend Gayle King is gonna try to steal the crown. Don't forget to kiss the ring, Gayle. [Page Six]
  
  
• Olympic swimmers! They're just like us. They like to smoke weed and sometimes mess up their taxes. Whoops! Michael Phelps, dude, face outta the bong for one sec. Take it to H&R Block, you know? [TMZ]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford drove his motorcycle in circles and then went home. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, it's 1995, because TMZ is making OJ jokes again. [TMZ]

Okay, so, techinical problems aside, we're all feeling much better today! And also, I'm so excited for the next item, I can't even, well, just, okay. Hang in there for one moment. Some things are just too good for the gossip roundup, you know? YOU KNOW. Also, big ups to Jay-Z for being good to Beyonce! Sometimes, people do good things and don't go rub up on models and make a point of it, whether it's because he wants Beyonce to know explicitly or not, right? Right. Here's a good cover of Beyonce's "Halo," let's get this Sunday started.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

Penned by one Mr. Ben Sisario—whose writing is typically quite wonderful—the song is broken down as such:

...roughly 50 percent rote Jay-Z chest-beating ("I'm the new Sinatra"), 30 percent tourist-friendly travelogue ("Statue of Liberty, long live the World Trade") and the rest a glorious Alicia Keys hook.

Which is true! Jay-Z goes from the Bronx to Tribeca and back; most people who live in the West Village like Jay-Z think they get nosebleeds above 14th Street and apply for visas every time they cross the East River. For all intents and purposes, Jay-Z has probably visited more locales in New York than Sinatra ever did, even goddamn Williamsburg. Sinatra was from Hoboken, Hov is from Marcy. And Jay-Z can even get the hardest reservation in New York, a tabled at famed mobster hangout Rao's (as evidenced by his D.O.A. video), something only someone like Sinatra could pull off back in the day. And Sisario makes a great point, noting that when you're Jay-Z, who do you beef with? Where do you go from here?

But there's a more basic explanation for this new rivalry: If you are the king of rap, and you've already topped all the charts, trounced all other M.C.'s, and even run a major record company, what's the next challenge? Where do you go? Answer: You start beefs with pantheon heroes, thus muscling your way into their realm. And it seems to be working pretty well: "The Blueprint 3" has sold 1.2 million copies, according to Nielsen SoundScan, and after eight weeks it is still in the Top 10.

Let's be honest: Jay-Z's stature, at this point, is a little absurd. He could've had a fighting chance against Bloomberg if he were on the ballot; he surely would've gotten a more ringing endorsement from this website than Billy Talen, for one thing. But he needs to catch paper, and he needs the mayor in his pocket to do that, and the only rapper trying to start fights with him is Beanie Siegel, who, exactly. So who does Jay-Z beef with? Sinatra. Obviously. But is Jay-Z's anthem as utilitarian as Sinatra's?

"New York, New York" is built around a handful of memorable phrases ("I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps") that resonate with a universality perfect for a baseball stadium. Ms. Keys supplies that ingredient in "Empire State of Mind," singing somewhat trite slogans ("These streets will make you feel brand new") in a huge, rousing voice. Yet like all Jay-Z songs, "Empire" is, in the end, solely about Jay-Z. And while his personality may fill Yankee Stadium more persuasively than any other pop star, would 50,000 fans ever have the timing, or the memory, to recite "Say what-up to Ty-Ty, still sippin' Mai Tais/Sittin' courtside, Knicks and Nets give me high-five"?

For better or worse, I'm willing to bet that there's a significant difference in the number of people who can rattle off four out of five members of the Rat Pick as opposed to the number of people who can tell you what a Ty-Ty is, though both groups of people definitely have no idea why they should care about Joey Bishop.

Then again, rap is crossing over into audiences who'd never listened to it before—primarily, more adults, who were once the kids that grew up on it—and was "New York, New York" ever a song of the people, or was it always a song of rich privilege? Sure, there's a peasant's, hustler's tone to it, and sure, as Sisario makes clear, Sinatra came from the 'hood, too.

Real talk (oh yes): more people have heard "New York, New York." But what Sisario only hints at is that Sinatra's song will only be heard on one kind of radio station. Jay-Z's will be heard on at least three.

Derek Jeter, a person, walks out to Jay-Z's song. The Yankees—the rich, evil organization with an administration even Yankees fans detest—play "New York, New York" when games end. Rap like Jay-Z's is becoming more accessible to more people, while kids and adults alike aren't exactly going to be (and have never been) bumping Sinatra. Some people will call this a shame. Others will call it progress. I call it a win-win situation.

[Photo via Getty Images]

Somewhere, Hamilton is having a coronary, or is about to:

Hey, the kid ain't half bad! If the whole print journalism thing doesn't work out, he might be able to pursue a fruitful career in hip hop journalism; not journalism about hip hop, but journalism in which you rap your way through stories. He even dropped diss bombs on Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass, SON.

Also, I kind of feel like this was an experiment in which I was the subject and they kind of just made this to be posted on this here website, you know? Like they were planting an item. Again, good skills that can be put to use in the arena of hip hop (or hip hop journalism); if you can get something on here, you're well on your way to getting DJ Vlad or one of those assclowns to pick up this kind of ridiculous shit, too. But this is actually very enjoyable! They seem to have principles and those kinds of things; they even swear off not paying their sources but treating them with respeckt! Interesting. So is the whole rapping portion of CJS's curriculum that I've never been told about. Maybe Hunter's got the right idea after all.

• Robert Pattinson's going out partying in Vancouver with Kristen Stewart. So, all you crazy, insane teenage stalkers, get your Canadian visas ready, go forth, and when you're deported for being fucked up and insane Robert Pattinson stalkers, at least pocket some of that BC Kush on your way home for me. I did, after all, tell you where he was. [Ed. Okay, no, but really: the Showbiz Spy item was about a "low-key" party in Vancouver. The title of the Showbiz Spy item was about Pattinson "partying hard" in Vancouver. You know why Robert Pattinson gets written about at all on the internet? Because teenagers use Google, and SEO Sandwich Making Magic is wonderful. Robert Pattinson could take a shit and I'd get at least 12,000 hits about it. Actually, probably far more than that, because we have yet to breach the fourth dimension where we report on Robert Pattison's bowel movements, which, yes, his fucked-up bloodthirsty teenage fans would be interested to know. To Mr. Pattinson, I suggest you eat as many segmented vegetables in the following months as you can. Specifically, anything that would go in a hearty winter soup.] [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Michael Jackson didn't like Pepsi. No shit. As the sole proprietor of Jackson's only assassination attempt, I wouldn't expect Jackson to be anything but a Coke fan, either. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy saw Mike Myers at a basketball court in New York and was like, hey, you're Dr. Evil. Which, well: yes. Correct. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chelsea Handler and her network exec boyfriend are still very much together. They were spotted in Atlantic City—Atlantic City?!—being together. Why, of all places?....Jesus. [NYP]
  
  
• Erin Lucas from The City and Leven "Sister of Mary" Rambin (from Days of Our Lives or whatever shitty soap she's doing these days) went out to Goldbar and saw cameras and Kelly Cutrone and freaked out and ran away. Cutrone, who's hysterical and awesome, had this to say to Page Six: "I think people were partying too hard to pay attention, because those cameras weren't there for me." Which basically translates to "If those bitches weren't so coked up they would've realized that I was just there to get a drink, sans TV crew." [Page Six]
  
  
• Lukas Haas and Miranda Kerr were dancing for an entire night at the Jane Hotel while the dude from Kings of Leon kept staring at them, and oh yeah, she's supposed to be dating Orlando Bloom, whoops. [Page Six[
  
  
• Amy Winehouse got her teeth fixed because in the great tradition of British Teeth, they were sincerely fucked up. Of course, they gave her really strong drugs to deal with the pain, so while she might have nice teeth, now, she's still very much a crackhead, this time, with a doctor's endorsement. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• One of those Real Creatures from Dirty Jersey, Danielle Staub, told Jennifer Aniston not to judge New Jersey and make jokes about it smelling, which she did on Chelsea Handler's show the other night. Honestly, though, most people from New Jersey know that New Jersey smells. But it's like a bog out of which emerges wonderful creatures like Bruce Springsteen, Danny DeVito, and seminal emo bands like Saves The Day, who actually have a song about the smell of New Jersey reminding them of their mediocre lives. If anything, Staub can't smell New Jersey because she's had her nose buried in something—the shit? Blow?—for far too long. [US]
  
  
• Ouch, Ashley Dupré: you got sold down the river for Tommy "Agent Nilla" Hilfiger by Russell Simmons. Simmons was going to take Dupré to Hilfigah's party and Tommy dis-invited her. Simmons, who's not famous for anything other than once inventing Def Jam and nowadays, doing yoga and possibly young men, dis-invited Dupré to the party. But really: who wants to a Tommy Hilfiger party? Oh. Wait. It was at the Jane Hotel. Well, Dupré: sucks! [Page Six]
  
  
• Broadway gossip: Chris Rock was supposed to be in David Mamet's new play, Race, but the word being preemptively put out on the street is that his schedule had too many conflicts. Which, note smirky husband and wife gossip duo Rush & Molloy, is not at all about his wife hating Kerry Washington, or trying to deal with the threat of Kerry Washington on her mans. Not at all. Meanwhile, Chris "Smack Her With The Dick" Rock has a new book coming out, and it's probably pretty good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh oh. As cool as Jay-Z kept his shit when Lil Mama burst on stage with him and Alicia Keys at the end of the VMAs, he apparently freaked out when he got backstage, screaming at producers about security. I like that Jay-Z's biggest security threat these days is now Lil' "Lip Gloss" Mama. My, rap community, how times have changed. "He went ballistic. He was screaming at the MTV producers about the lack of security. He apparently thought at first she was just a fan. Beyoncé finally calmed him down." [NYDN]
  
  
• Same R & M item: did you know Warren Buffet drinks five cans of Cherry Coke a day? I'll be attempting to do this over the course of the day in order to make more money than I did yesterday. By drinking ten. We'll check in on me around 4PM, when I'm out cold from the meanest sugar high crash ever. [NYDN]
  
  
• Celebrities doing nice things: Sienna Miller apparently did really, really well in her first day on the job, not only impressing theatergoers, but greeting her fans outside the theater to sign programs and be generally nice. [NYDN]

The monologue was horrific, and included a joke about how men like to control the remote while watching TV. Thanks for that original observation, Jay. A follow up segment with Dan Finnerty of The Dan Band singing to a girl in a car wash was tremendously unfunny. This show has been in the planning stages for months, and with the world watching for his first episode, this was the best that Leno could do?

His interview with Jerry Seinfeld was the highlight of the hour, with Seinfeld firing jokes off about the show, not knowing when it was on, and how when he quit his show he really quit the show. Jay should have taken his lead. Having Oprah do a taped segment and not even once acknowledge Jay is about as close to genius as the show got.

Speaking of Oprah, Leno then trotted out Kanye West, in the midst of the brou-ha-ha concerning his bad behavior at the Video Music Awards. Unfortunately, the scandal means that this clip will be show all across the internet for the next day to hear what Kanye had to say. It was something about how his mother's death and too much touring made him act like a dick. We're saving our reaction for a different blog post.

This one concerns the quality of Jay's broadcast, and other than Seinfeld, Oprah, Jay Z, and Rhianna, it wasn't very high. Even the familiar Headlines segment at the end of the show contained far too many penis, poop, and vagina jokes to make anyone other than a 14 year-old boy and your crazy uncle Mort chuckle.

This first episode was Leno's chance to shine, when he should have gotten out his best material and the funniest segments that he's been compiling for months. Instead, the best thing about it was another comedian and an apology that he lucked into. We don't know how this experiment is going to last through the month, nonetheless another year.

Tune your sets to NBC at 10pm Eastern tonight, and watch the first episode of The Jay Leno Show. It will air every weeknight in the same time slot, but by tomorrow afternoon, we probably won't care anymore. Tonight's big guest is Jerry Seinfeld. Musical guests include Jay Z, Rhianna, and possibly-stage mic grabber Kanye West, who is said to have been upgraded to a full-blow guest now that he has some 'splainin' to do.

So, as you watch, react in real time to the action on your sets in the comments section below. We'll be there with you, so let's make it into a little party, shall we?

Providing context for this kind of thing is akin to shooting fish in something smaller than a barrel—one without water—so I'll just leave you to enjoy this on your own. Though, there are highlights: Jay-Z signed Bill O'Reilly's book, telling him to step off. Also, Beck's "tired of the race thing" and he also doesn't "think the race thing works anymore," so, if you didn't know, now you know: Glenn Beck doesn't see color. Anyway, the bar set by Statler and Waldorf has officially been moved up.

• As predicted, the DA dropped the charges against Shawne Merriman alleging that he'd physically abused Tila Tequila late one night last week. Because, really, when was the last time someone with the surname "Tequila" was a credible witness? Guilty until proven Herradura, at least. Meanwhile, Merriman continues on his jolly way back to the first week of the NFL season, where he will take place in a delicate sport populated by upstanding young men whose clean-cut reputation for this kind of thing moves further along. Oh, and lesson for all of you: don't go crazy on Twitter next time you get cops involved. Because it just means you're guilty or lying. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, and it sounds like Merriman proposed to have a foursome with him, Tequila (Tila), and two other women, who he had over at his house when Ms. Tequila showed up. At the time, Tila went batshit like any girlfriend reasonably would, and Merriman had to restrain her, and there's a one week gossip cycle. Next. [NYP]
  
  
• She also thinks it's a conspiracy on behalf of the city of San Diego to keep Merriman on the field. Yes. Because when I think "glue that holds the San Diego Chargers" together, I definitely think of Shawn Merriman. And by that, I mean: no. [E!]
  
  
• Heh. Anna Wintour totally got stalked by fans, and maybe, some people we know on Fashion's Night Out. She's bona fide! Apparently, she kept her cool when someone screamed at her about fur and also ran in heels down the street with her team chasing her, while fans tagged along. She lost it when trying to sign a shirt—a t-shirt?!?—with a sharpie. She got pissed at her staff, but really, she should be far more concerned that she comes after an item about someone with the surname Tequila. [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Bill Clinton had dinner with Chelsea and Laura Ling, who he rescued by swinging into North Korea, punching Kim Jong-Il in the face, grabbing onto a vine and Euna Lee, and swinging onto safe territory. Remember that? [Page Six]
  
  
• Charlie Sheen still thinks 9/11 was masterminded by George W. Bush and other evil forces. The funny thing is, if 9/11 was an inside job, the same people who are responsible for Two and a Half Men probably have something to do with it. Evil comes in all forms. Also, Charlie Sheen, WTF are you doing hanging out with a bunch of Salinger back-pocketing conspiracy theorists? Is this what happens when you've domestically abused every possible spouse in Hollywood? Dude, go to brunch at The Griddle or something. Like, get outside, you've got the money. Seriously. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mischa Barton told The View that intense pain from a wisdom teeth operation paired with mild painkiller use basically landed her in a psych ward. Basically, best excuse for going off your meds, like, ev-ar. Also: Marissa Cooper lives. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler—and again, when did this guy become a movie star?—are maybe dating or maybe not, and the daily news has more speculation, but Christ, you need to see the photo that accompanies this Daily News story about it. Too much. Seriously. Too much. Also, if we're going to hear blind speculation on the nature of a relationship we really don't care about over and over again like this, the Post and the Daily News should at least put out betting lines on it. I wouldn't feel too bad making money over this. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mayor Bloomberg has Lady Gaga fever. He probably knows about the penis. [NYDN]
  
  
• Professional Today Show drunk Hoda Kotb went to Coney Island and found out there were no dressing rooms when training for her first triathlon out there. She ended up changing in her towncar. Try this one in a cab, someone. You'll end up with your face smeared into a partition and a blood-thirsty driver trying to peel you off of it. The state of private transportation in New York right now is sordid at best. [NYP]
  
  
• Jay-Z had a concert last night, and basically brought everyone in the rap business, New York, and The Electric Company out on stage with him. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of "Run This Town," celebrity hooker Ashley Dupre was on the scene with Russel Simmons last night at a screening of the ultimate Save The Dolphins documentary "The Cove" last night. She's apparently doing yoga with Russell Simmons, who is, well, doing yoga with Ashley Dupre. [NYP]
  
  
• Tom Brady and Gisele might spring New England's Great Hope from Gisele's loins sometime before the playoffs, which would be great, because it might take Brady out of a late-season game that could inevitably help push ahead other fantasy owners who don't have him. Like me. Meanwhile, since Boston's ACLS chances are fucked, this is basically all they have to look forward to. Brady's kid's going to have the best childcare in the world. [NYDN]

Jay-Z's last headlining date at a festival was at Glastonbury in London, where he became the first rap headliner in the history of the festival. The gig provoked Oasis to say something bitchy about it, and he responded by opening the show with a jokey rendition of "Wonderwall."

This time, he was a little nicer, and possibly answered the demands of the people: after a large countdown clock played out, Jay-Z launched on stage with a cover of the Beastie Boys' classic Licensed To Ill track, "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn." He's now the first rapper to headline a major American rock festival, and maybe the first rapper to cover the first act to open up hip hop for white guys. He dedicated his entire set to Yuach, paid tribute to Michael Jackson, and via most of the reactions popping up so far, crushed it. He probably won over a few non-believers, too. The guy's talent, business savvy, and class is simply impressive.

• Tom Cruise tells the Beckhams how to raise their kids, supposedly. One of the sincerely funny parts of the just-released Funny People is a dick joke involving Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and David Beckham, and this makes that joke exponentially funnier! I'm sure someone will ruin it in the comments - probably me - but honestly, this justifies $7 of the $12 you'll have to pay to see Funny People (or whatever the proportional fraction is for being not being eye-gouged with ridiculous movies prices who live in places more reasonable than Gomorrah New York. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law's Babeh Mama Of The Month has a name for their new lovemunchkin, and it's going to be "Sophia" as in "I'mma Sophia Ass In Court, Moneybags!" [People]
  
  
• Tyra Banks is going to be on Gossip Girl because she loves to ruin things you love. [US]
  
  
• Emma Watson is related to a real witch, swears People! I want to know what editor at People was like, go through centuries of lineage of obscure witches and Harry Potter cast members and see if you can dig some shit up. Gold star for both of you, srsly. [People]
  
  
• Beyonce wants you to stop taking pictures of her ass, which America is crazy in love with. But who's stupid enough to take a picture of Jay-Z's wife's ass? Also, I heard a great story this week that apparently, Beyonce fucking loves to go to bars in New York incognito with Jay-Z to play Buck Hunter. I hope this is true because if so that's just great, and not because it's oh, Beyonce loves Buck Hunter, that's cute. No, it's awesome because you know they could just buy a Buck Hunter machine but instead they insist on going to bars and secretly getting a thrill out of it. How this item hasn't been reported before is beyond me? [Showbiz Spy and Me]
  
  
• Katy Perry and Rihanna are friends, now, and they've been hanging out in places like Barbados! And...the Meatpacking District! Meanwhile, some internet dork quietly prepares the inevitable "I Kissed An Umbrella" mashup. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's boyfriend, Sebastian Stan - who seems like a legitimately awesome guy, and believe this, is a great actor! Ask anyone who saw him on Broadway in the revival of Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio! Seriously. - talks about what it's like to watch her make out with Ed Westwick on the set of Gossip Girl, which is relatively kinky for People. [People]
  
  
• Heroes star Zach Qunito was questioned by cops twice while filming a skit for Funny or Die. The cops were lucky he didn't slice their brains open and take what little powers they have. [E!]
  
  
• Did you know E! has someone cooking up celebrity conspiracy theories? That's kind of sincerely great and something I wish I'd thought of first, but then again, it's only great if someone at E! is doing it. This week: what if Jon and Kate were all a lie? [E!]
  
  
• American Idol winner Kris Allen is subletting the fully-furnished Arkansas apartment he shared with his wife for $600 a month because they're going to be in Hollywood for a little bit. (1) They're subleasing, that's cute and (2) the fact that it's $600 a month, is like, okay, after you live in New York for so long you forget what rent in other parts of the world cost and then, for whatever reason, you see them, and think about what a ridiculous ass you are for paying $900 a month to live in what more or less amounts to a recycling bin (but one that's off of Avenue A!) and that you could do this job from Asheville, North Carolina so why not just do it from there? And then you remember that Asheville, charming as it is, doesn't have Shake Shack. And then you remember that you're willing to stand in line for an hour for a fucking cheeseburger and you should probably just order an Arsenic Shake the next time you're there. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Game - he's a rapper, heh - got into a fight at a funeral. I wonder if he's ever seen Shotgun Stories by Jeff Nichols. It's a great movie about two families from rural Arkansas (speaking of Arkansas!) and the wide divisions between them made more evident by an incident at a funeral of the two family's shared patriarch. It was directed by David Gordon Greene's film school colleague and made David Edelstein's Top 10 films last year and is quite fantastic and incredibly subtle, maybe the most subtle, poetic film I've seen in the last two years. Also, Michael Shannon is genius in it. Anyway. He probably hasn't. Anyway: TMZ helpfully points out that The Game is referred to in the lawsuit of his alleged funeral beatdown as someone who "fashions himself as some kind of rapper, gangster and/or celebrity," haha. [TMZ]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's shady doctor - who, when I wrote the item about him being a sketchball, a bunch of you shithead commenters were like, oh, he's not shady, how can you say he's shady only because he went bankrupt and has a bunch of liens on him in, like, six different states, we know nothing about him, and I was like, listen, people: game recognize game, and this dude is shady - was in dire financial straits and was being paid $150,000 a month by Jackson. The Daily News gets deep into Conrad Murray's financial issues, and yes, they are shady, which leads me to believe that you people that were trying to convince other people that this guy wasn't shady are all tax criminals and I've now recorded your IPs and sent them to the IRS, LOLZ JK. Oh, also, he invested in a Trinidadian energy drink called Pitbull, which is hysterical. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is back with Doug Reinhardt. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• I almost didn't read a Page Six item today entitled ASHTON KUTCHER WAS A BIG FAKE either because I figured, fuckit, I could write that one without even looking or secretly some part of me actually didn't care to know which element of Ashton Koosher's existence was fraudulent. But I read it because it's one of those strangely compelling "rainy day" Page Six items that bring philosophical elements of identity into question, like, okay, if Ashton Koosher Was A Big Fake, then what am I? What are you? What is in my cat's cat food bowl? I think Richard Johnson maybe secretly sometimes sits around his desk and thinks of subversive ways to fuck with the gossip-hunting people of the world who think way too far into it, like me. Anyway: it turns out he used to buy fake watches and fake Versace pants and fake Calvin Klein T-shirts to show his family how not broke phi broke he was when he first started out acting, even though he didn't have a place to live. Okay, well, the fake Versace pants thing is just funny, because, like, Versace is an indicator of success? Certainly not in taste, from what little I understand about fashion. And then you get to the bit about fake Calvin Klein T-shirts, and it's like, (A) really? How much is a real one? And (B) where do you go in L.A. to actually purchase fake Calvin Klien T-shirts? Can't you just get the real deal at T.J. Maxx or something? Don't they come 3 to a $50 pack? The guy who sells fake Calvin Klien T-shirts must be the shadiest dude in West Hollywood. Also, when did Ashton Kutcher start acting, the age of enlightenment? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• J-Lo went to Rome and a bunch of people were like AHHHHHHHHH JAYYYYYY-LOOOOO YOUWEREAWESOMEINGIGLI!!!!!!!! And I guess it's like - I know, I know, obvious joke, but - When In Rome, act like people might've acted in 2001? Furthermore, the way Europeans freak out about American celebrities must mean the European celebrities absolutely suck. One thing America will always do right: produce a good movie star. Or at least assimilate one. Related: I once got conned by a smelly chain-smoking photo-opping mime outside of the Pantheon for four Euro. Fucking Rome. [TMZ]
  
  
• Things Chase Crawford apparently isn't afraid of: rain. Things that now make Page Six on a Saturday: celebrities who aren't afraid of rain. Now: I want the list of the ones who are. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm not entirely sure what this D-Listed post entitled "NeNe Will Choke A Bitch" is about, but it sure sounds entertaining. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Finally, if you watch United States of Tara you know that "Buck" is the best character on the show. Well: Chasing Amy star Joey Lauren Adams ends up in a love affair with Buck in the next season. Fantastic! [EW]

• Rumors are swirling that the fairy tale love affair between Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds might be coming to an end. There have been numerous reports of ugly public spats between the two of late and now it appears as though a recent fight just prior to Comic-Con caused Reynolds to cancel his appearance because he didn't want to be around his delicious wife. Scarlett reportedly got so mad that she ripped off her wedding ring and threw it at him or something. And now the producers of Green Latern are pissed at Reynolds for canceling the promotional appearance over a fight with his wife. Now, I don't usually give two shits about celebrity breakups, but these two potentially breaking up makes me kind of sad, which is sad in and of itself I guess. [Update: Reynolds' reps at 42 West contacted us and say this tale, first reported by FoxNews.com, and say that he was never going to go to Comic-Con so there was no appearance to cancel: "The story you have posted about Ryan Reynolds is completely untrue. Warner Brothers never planned to have Green Lantern as part of their panel at this year's Comic Con and Ryan is in Europe shooting a film."] [Fresh News]
  
  
• Why are the men of America shunning America's deformed-thumbed walking Halloween costume, Megan Fox? According to a few men's magazines (probably staffed by gay males), the mens are tired of the Megan Foxes. Personally, I'm torn on Megan Fox. I go back and forth a lot, but after seeing her humble, witty, self-depreciating appearance on Letterman a couple of weeks ago, I want to cuddle with her and eat blueberries and watch Silver Spoon reruns on TV Land. Just saying. [Daily News and Asylum]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli is getting over Leo DiCaprio by boning a "Brazilian playboy" named Ricardo. Yep, that sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• The ridiculously beautiful Kate Beckinsale celebrated her 36th birthday out on the town in LA with Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham. [Sun]
  
  
• Marilyn Manson has had enough of scumbag journalists saying bad things about him and he took to his Myspace page to issue a threat to all of them—If they write anything bad about him, Marilyn will eat their hearts in a teriyaki stir fry. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jay-Z got a huge book deal to write a tell-all autobiography and detail his past drug-dealing and womanizing and all that kind of stuff. [Mirror]
  
  
• Kid Rock is not a fan of Twitter. When asked what he thought about it he replied, "It's gay." Yep, Kid Rock is right again, and yes, I do have a Twitter account, so I can say that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Paris Hilton is all broken up about the sex tape that made her dumb ass one of the most famous people in the world. She claims that she was betrayed and blah, blah, blah, but I think she was in on it. I could be wrong. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Chabon is taking time off from writing books to launch an anti-circumcision campaign or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was all smiles as she returned back to work yesterday after a stint in a psychiatric ward. [Daily Mail]

According to Diddy, Jackson showed up at the party and the two of them settled eventually into a booth, where Jackson put his arm around him and whispered, "Where's Beyonce?" After they were introduced, Jackson and Beyonce then proceeded to dance the night away. This was pre-Jay-Z, obviously, because Jay wouldn't have been down with any of that.

• Megan Fox has turned down a role as a Bond girl in the new Bond flick, presumably to play Lady Macbeth at the Old Vic or something. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's publicists have been trying hard to use her recent breakdown to land her on the cover of a few of the celebrity weeklies, but no one took the bite. Flack life is hard yo. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse is on trial in the UK for beating up a dancer at a charity ball who asked for an autograph. The prosecutor in the case says that it's likely that Amy was under the influence of something when the incident went down, shockingly. [Mirror]
  
  
• T.R. Knight says that he left Grey's Anatomy because Shonda Rhimes was cutting down his character's screen time. [EW]
  
  
• Gossip Girl co-stars/boners Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick may be on the outs with each other. They were supposed to co-host some event at the MGM Grand at Foxwoods and he totally didn't show up because he was pissed at her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha! After ESPN lashed out at the Post for printing stills of the Erin Andrews nude peephole video, Page Six is attacking ESPN by saying that it's the network's fault that the video was made public in the first place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Whitney Houston gave serious consideration to giving up music three years ago to move to an island and open a little fruit stand. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Lily Allen has traded in her old man art dealer ex-boyfriend for a young, struggling artist. She is reported to be "completely smitten." [Sun]
  
  
• Rihanna is in London recording an album and Jay-Z swooped in to take her out for dinner and champagne and we can't help but wonder if there isn't something going on between these two. [Mirror]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is having a 50th birthday party soon, an event that 17 of his ex-girlfriends are set to make an appearance at. We're not sure if we should admire or pity him. [Mirror]

• Britney Spears is a woman who is dedicated to her man/agent. So dedicated that she's converting to Judaism to show Jason Trawick how much she loves him. She's been wearing a star of David around her neck and has enlisted a rabbi to tour with her to teach her the religion. As a Cajun/Louisianian, I'd like to offer a trade to the Jews. You guys take Britney off our hands, and we'll take Natalie Portman. Sound good? Sweet. Have fun with her. [UK SUN]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow, faux-lifestyle expert, physician, chef, dietician and Jim Jones in training, sent out a message to her GOOP death cult raving about some detox clease she did where she didn't eat anything for three weeks. In other news, Chris Martin probably isn't an ass man like Barack Obama. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jerry Seinfeld, apparently not content with the billion or so dollars he's banked from Seinfeld, is doing wacky commercials for some bank in Australia. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven says he hasn't eaten a piece of fish in 9 months since his horrible mercury poison thing. Now he's all into yoga and is all about achieving "balance." Whatever. Still a tool. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Katie Lee Joel isn't wasting any time since dumping sad old man Billy Joel for some swarthy lothario—Now she's opened up a burger spot in West Village near her townhouse called "Burger County." [Page Six]
  
  
• Jamie Foxx just can't contain his unrelenting cheesedickery. The other night he was at a party at Tao in Vegas when he took over the mic from the DJ and starting taunting Rihanna, who was dining with Jay-Z, to the point where she got up and left. [Page Six]
  
  
• 19 year-old Harry Potter star Emma Watson bought a $3,000,000 London home for her and her boyfriend, some 26 year-old "financier" named Jay. [Mirror]
  
  
• Katy Perry is running around Turkey in a bikini with some mystery guy just putting his hands all over her and we have to admit, we're kind of jealous. She looks damn good! [Daily Mail]

• Tennis star and lover of Enrique Iglesias Anna Kournikova got into a fight Saturday night at a club in Vegas after some random woman threw a drink at her for "invading her space." [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester sings and acts in a new Gossip Girl-y video she stars in for Cobra Starship's song "Good Girls Go Bad." And yes, the song was written and the video was shot prior to the news that Meester's talented feet were the star of a new celebrity sex tape to hit the internet. [Daily Intel]
  
  
• Michael Jackson looked frail but appeared to be getting his groove on in these photos taken during a rehearsal at the Staples Center shortly before his death. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Chris Brown was supposed to take part in a Michael Jackson tribute at the BET Awards on Sunday night, but Jay-Z stepped in and torpedoed those plans. [Page Six]
  
  
• Alice Hoffman isn't just attacking people who offend her delicate sensibilities on Twitter—She recently attacked a blogger who was moderating a discussion about her new book at a Barnes and Noble store. [Page Six]
  
  
• Actress Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame is moving to New York to attend school at Columbia, where perhaps she can follow in the footsteps of her fellow thespian James Franco and sleep her way to a degree. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jude Law, currently starring in a London production of Hamlet, strolls through the streets of the city coolly sipping on frappucinos. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Sacha Baron Cohen got a taste of his own medicine last night when a Bruno imposter showed up at the movie's Australian premiere in a pink stretch Hummer filled with a bevy of scantily clad dancers. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have released the first photos of their new twin girls, who were recently delivered by a surrogate mother in Ohio. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mariah Carey got done up as an Eminem-type rapper for her new video for her song "Obsessed." We can't wait for Eminem to respond with a video in which he dresses up like a hideous-looking Mariah Carey, because you just know he's going to do it. [DListed]
  
  
• Lady GaGa claims that she's been doing volunteer charity work since she was two years old. [UK Sun]

• There's a John Edwards/Rielle Hunter sex tape out there, says a former Edwards aide, Andrew Young, in a book proposal that is "impossible to put down." He also makes a few interesting claims that, you know, could be substantial to Edwards' career if they turn out to be true: John Edwards is the father of Young's baby with Hunter, contrary to a statement Young made last year, because his loyalty to Edwards ran deep (?!). Young essentially took the fall for Hunter's baby. Other stuff: John Edwards was waiting for Elizabeth Edwards to die so he and Hunter could get married. Elizabeth Edwards believes Young stole the baseball card collection of Wade Edwards. It kind of gets crazier and crazier. The book got picked up by St. Martin's. [R&M]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin played Frisbee with his kids and then drove around on an ATV together. In other words: fun! Jon Gosselin is finally having fun with his kids! Maybe for the first time, ever. This should be headline news, but it shouldn't be, because now that the show is on hiatus, I guess paparazzi should just leave their house? What's it like to have to be a Jon and Kate paparazzi, though? Really: think about the guy who gets that assignment. "Aw, what the fuck? I have to go to Pennsylvania again?!" It'd be especially bad if you hated kids. That is all. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Elliot Spitzer was at lunch talking to LMDC executive director Avi Schick about Mark Sanford, and he was all like, "Yea, gangster, wassup. At least I didn't tell none those hoes that I lubbed 'em. You know?!" Also, he bragged about not using taxpayer money to pay for his kicks. Comparatively, he's got a point. Other than that, it doesn't really mean shit. In other news, VH1 is putting the development of "The Disgraced Governor's Guide to Crazy Hot Tail" into overdrive. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kevin Bacon and his brother hiked up a mountain to play a tribute concert for Farrah Fawcett while raising money to fight cancer. Honestly, what can't Kevin Bacon do? I think he's now, like, four degrees from sainthood. Still six from Malcolm Jamal-Warner, but, you know, what can you do. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jay-Z and Beyonce partied at a Roots show at the Highline Ballroom, where The Roots have a residency. This isn't surprising, because almost everybody in New York has gone or will go to see The Roots play at the Highline Ballroom, now. It's like taking the subway. [R&M]
  
  
• Michael Musto's going to be playing chaplain to gay couples getting married tonight. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's another cheap item implying Lindsey Lohan does blow. In other news, I need coffee and a cigarette, the sun is kind of yellow, and your mom wants you to give her a call. Seriously, like, slow news day, Showbiz Spy? [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Katie Couric doesn't want her picture taken. By wide decree of the land, and so it was. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cindy Adams makes a joke about South Carolina: "The state beverage is milk." That being said, Cindy Adams beverage of choice must be an arsenic spritzer, because the rest of the column is indiscernable nonsense (but fun crazy old lady indiscernible nonsense!). [Page Six]
  
  
• Megan Fox must stop licking her lips at once! [WWTDD]

Tru Life, a.k.a. Roberto Rosado, and his friends allegedly had a fight with some other guys at a Midtown club called Pasha on the night of June 15. They ran into the guys later, and Tru Life and his brother went after them, cops say, stabbing two men and killing one:

About five and a half hours later, the police said, the two brothers were among the group in the lobby at 330 East 26th Street. Several people drew knives, and in the violence that followed - part of which was captured by a surveillance camera - Mr. Guerrero and Mr. Gray were stabbed, the police said. Mr. Guerrero died from injuries to his internal organs and blood loss, according to a complaint filed in Manhattan Criminal Court.

Tru Life is from the Lower East Side, and over the course of his career has had well-publicized beef with Cam'ron's crew and with Mobb Deep, as captured in this documentary:

[Pic via]