Could there be a more appropriate place for The Today Show to introduce their new hire than Cowboys Stadium, the citadel of hideous American excess, out in that vast expanse of glorious, cement kiln soot-laden sprawl midway between Dallas and Fort Worth? (Wikipedia notes that Arlington is "the largest city in the world without a fixed bus route system of mass transit." Everyone's carbon footprint is bigger in Texas!)

Jenna Bush, whatever, she is fine. She is, like most of the children of the ruling elite, a useless leech on society who's produced nothing or value to anyone, ever. And she was forced into an arranged marriage with a second-generation party hack after her allotted few years of hanging out with Gays and drinking too much. But on the whole, she is harmless. She certainly does not need or deserve a job as a journalist, but The Today Show itself has no use for journalism.

And here she is interviewing some precocious young public speaker, in a cutesy, meaningless feel-good segment. And, hah, she "plans to keep her part-time job as a sixth-grade reading resource teacher." You gotta keep busy!

Meanwhile the other one, not-Jenna, the one who went to Yale, she is doing god knows what with her time. At some point one of them will have to step up to the plate and become a Liz Cheney being of pure hackery, probably, but until then let us continue forgetting about them.

Counterpoint to Michael Moore's analysis of the US newspaper industry's problems: He forgot about Craigslist, and also, newspapers in Britain are having a shitty time too, contrary to his assertions that their reliance on circulation revenue meant their quality stayed high and, therefore, so did their revenue.. Hopefully this will spark some sort of outburst from Michael Moore, is the point.


The Sun-Times, a typical flailing newspaper company, has the good fortune to be wanted, by a buyer. But that buyer put forth a package of cutbacks, and the unions of various Sun-Times papers are rejecting those cutbacks. Which, to be fair, certainly would suck! [The company can you move you to a different location, for example]. But! The union's opposition could potentially torpedo the whole deal. A union is not much good once your company goes bankrupt, and you are unemployed. Oh fine: except the hobo union.


Did you catch Jenna Bush's debut as a correspondent for the Today show this morning? Let's hope not.


The media: Is it conspiring to steal the term "Summer of Death" from Alex Balk, with no credit? Everybody besides skateboarders thinks so.

Absolutely, completely, 100% true. Here's looking at you, NBC, via the AP report:

...a 27-year-old teacher in Baltimore, [Bush] will contribute stories about once a month on issues like education to television's top-rated morning news show, said Jim Bell, its executive producer.

"It wasn't something I'd always dreamed to do," she said. "But I think one of the most important things in life is to be open-minded and to be open-minded for change."

Hopefully, she'll end up hanging around post-segment, get shitty with Kathy Lee and Hoda, and enlighten them with the story of Chandarella. Must See TV, right there. Jim Bell, Today's executive producer is already giving quotes about how he's not using it as political grease for a future shot at trying to Frost/Nixon old Daddy Dubya. Watch that D:

Bell said Hager won't be covering politics. He said he didn't consider the job as a down payment for a future interview with her father, who has been living quietly in Texas since leaving office earlier this year. Attacks on NBC News by conservatives for the liberal bent of MSNBC also had nothing to do with it, he said. "I hope to focus on what I'm passionate about because I think I'd do them best job on them - education, urban education, women and children's issues and literacy," Hager said.

Jenna Bush is nice, and fun! And know what? This is actually somewhat likable in its complete and utter boldfaced stunt-casting nature. And while this might not exactly be a ratings boon—at all—educational it shall be: all you aspiring TV anchors, look to the stars! You apparently have a better chance of getting there than on Today.

"Obama, L'Chayim."

The wine was flowing liberally. None of them needed that shot. Can't make this shit up. I asked the waiter what wine they were drinking.

"Brought they're own wine," he said.
"Hope you charged corkage," I said.
"The sommelier said it was crap," he said...

It's kind of mushy and silly and doesn't make me hate the girls' father any less, plus it was published in the Wall Street Journal. But I guess it's kind of cute, so here. Some words on being the First Daughters:

Be Nice to the Help:
"If you ever need a hug, go find Ramsey. If you want to talk football, look for Buddy. And, if you just need a smile, look for 'Smiley.'"

Oh the People You'll Meet:
"As older girls, we were constantly inspired by the amazing people we met, politicians and great philosophers like Vaclav Havel. We dined with royalty, heads of states, authors, and activists. We even met the Queen of England and managed to see the Texas Longhorns after they won the National Championship."

Don't Believe the Hype:
"Our dad, like yours, is a man of great integrity and love; a man who always put us first. We still see him now as we did when we were seven: as our loving daddy. Our Dad, who read to us nightly, taught us how to score tedious baseball games. He is our father, not the sketch in a paper or part of a skit on TV."

Enjoy the Bowling Alley:
"The East sitting room became a peaceful place to read and study. We ran on the track in the front lawn, and squared off in sisterly bowling duels down in the basement alley."

Every President Plays T-Ball:
"Slide down the banister of the solarium, go to T-ball games, have swimming parties, and play Sardines on the White House lawn. Have fun and enjoy your childhood in such a magical place to live and play."

Don't Let Time Pass You By:
"In fact, go to anything and everything you possibly can: the Kennedy Center for theater, State Dinners, Christmas parties (the White House staff party is our favorite!) [More being nice to the little people!], museum openings, arrival ceremonies, and walks around the monuments. Just go. Four years goes by so fast, so absorb it all, enjoy it all!"

Neg!

Image via Getty

Some critics are calling this characterization of Laura a "liberal fantasy." But why do we cling to the fantasy even when Real First Lady Laura Bush totally hung out with Sarah Palin just the other day? Because she actually has very little in common with Sarah Palin, which is why we're all pondering working on our painkiller addictions right about now! The evidence.

1. Laura Bush is a librarian and Sarah Palin bans books.(Sort of in the way Jesus was a community organizer and Pontius Pilate was a governor!) Which brings me to the funniest thing about the story of how Sarah Palin, upon becoming mayor of Wasilla, called up the local librarian to inquire about banning books: the idea never went anywhere because she didn't seem to know what books she'd ban. Sarah Palin doesn't read! Duh. Neither, probably, does Cindy McCain. Laura Bush's favorite book is The Brothers Karamazov, a fact that I still find sort of mindblowing, but anyway, that is what makes this sort of shit so funny.

2. Laura Bush is pro-choice. When Cindy McCain found herself in that messy conundrum over whether Roe v. Wade ought to be overturned earlier this week, to whom did she turn for guidance? According to Katie Couric, Cindy's spokespeople said that she, like Laura Bush, did not want Roe overturned. Who knows why Laura Bush is pro-choice; maybe she read American Tragedy, maybe it's just because she killed someone herself and the law had gone easy on her; maybe she's just a rational person, but whatever the case, women like Laura Bush — not Northeastern Marxists like me or "I Choose Life For My Daughter And Everyone Else In America" Alaskan prophets like Sarah Palin— are ones who live in those crazy states that are always trying to add little "abortion banning" amendments to transportation bills and such, the ones who actually live in states where this stuff comes up on the ballot every November. And as such, women like Laura Bush are the only reason Roe has yet to go back before the Supreme Court.

3. Laura Bush raised Jenna Bush. Laura Bush's other vocation besides library science was being a mother, and even that Communist organ Us Weekly agrees that Jenna Bush turned out pretty good. Laura Bush raised a fun underage-drinking socially-conscious charter school teacher who spent months in the ghettos of that little country her granddaddy invaded learning about the tragic life of a teenage mom with AIDS for the purpose of writing a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't use condoms. Sarah Palin raised a fun underage-drinking cautionary tale of what happens when you don't use condoms.

4. Laura Bush is a walking living and in some ways tragic symbol of the emotional core of liberalism, which is to say, our bottomless capacity to forgive. She had a tragedy in her early life and for that reason alone most of us will forgive her unwillingness to try and make herself into some sort of internal dissident in the Cheney White House. She reads Russian lit, she knows how it goes for dissidents. She forgives her ignorant husband the way we all forgive our ignorant racist grandmas. She accepts his differences and we preach acceptance. She is from a Red State and married to a red meat Republican but she defies all the usual pithy pollster cartoonology; she has never had big hair even though she's from Texas, she has never been blonde even though that is a major rule for Republicans in DC; she has never seemed Stepfordy, she smokes cigarettes. And like with Laura, said sentimentality can lead us to be forgiving to a fault! Remember how we hated Clinton for his triangulation and his beholdenness to Wall Street and his generalized moral turpitude? Ha ha ha, yeah. Don't let's let this become the election that gets us all misty-eyed for the Bush years in a couple years time, Laura Bushes of the world! (God did you ever think that would even be a possibility? Christ.)

OH AND BONUS EXTRA THING I FORGOT: She defended Michelle Obama against those ridiculous attacks on her patriotism that both Cindy and Sarah Palin have milked well into elementary school at this point. Thanks for pointing out, readers!

Clever tag coined yesterday by Gawker friend Brian Gallagher. Submissions to this category welcome!

Because as much as it pains me to quibble with the sage sociological analysis of a parachuting correspondent from Aspiration Palace, they totally do, more than ever, especially in DC, where Republicans who read books have been forced to coexist with Republicans who think the periodic table was revealed to the apostles on stone tablets for the past eight years.

In many cases, they are no longer Republicans on account of this. Like this once neocon, who now backs Obama. And Colin Powell, who is even pictured hanging out with these allegedly Obama-supporting hipsters! Jenna Bush, who was once legendarily purportedly kicked out of liberal establishment Stetson's simply for being Jenna Bush — well everyone knows she is voting for Obama and look whose crazy black Pastor just trashed John McCain in public. The point is this: like with the Olympics and the recession and the (actually falling!) gas prices, we are all in this together, and just for kicks here is Chronic Misser Of Olden Times/Prose Stylist Peggy Noonan:

The lack of placeness with both candidates contributes to a sense of their disjointedness, their floatingness. I was talking recently with a journalist who's a podcaster. I often watch him in conversation on the Internet. I told him I'm always struck that he seems to be speaking from No Place, with some background of beige wall that could exist anywhere. He leans in and out of focus. It gives a sense of weightlessness. He's like an astronaut floating without a helmet.
That's a little what both candidates are like to me.

And where it gets really good is where she talks about potential running mates.

On the Democrats, who are up first, I firmly announce I like every [potential VP] name floated so far, for different reasons (Joe Biden offers experience and growth; Evan Bayh seems by nature moderate; Sam Nunn is that rare thing, a serious man whom all see as a serious man.) But part of me tugs for Tim Kaine of Virginia, because he has a wonderful American Man haircut, not the cut of the man in first but the guy in coach who may be the air marshal. He looks like he goes once every 10 days to Jimmy Hoffa's barber and says, "Gimme a full Detroit."

Detroit: that's a place.

Yes it is a place with a mayor in jail that just took another five alarm fire to its economy, Peggy Noonan! And the fact that we are all headed in the same direction is why we would rather be drinking than thinking about our sense of "place."

Party Animals [W]
Related: Pete Wentz Backs Obama
The End of Placeness [WSJ]

• Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend John Mayer got into a hotel pool in Miami, and there were pictures, and everyone found this very exciting for some reason. The Sun went above and beyond, as usual, with shots of the two parts of the actress' body any experienced reader of the British tabloid would expect it to focus on. (Photo from X17)
• Richard Simmons signed DVDs in aisle six of a Chicago Walgreens, and TMZ managed to find something unfunny to write about it: "One woman even passed out because she was so excited to see him! Well, she actually passed out because of complications from her being a diabetic. Close enough!" [TMZ]
• Here are pictures of Jenna Bush in her Oscar de la Renta wedding dress. Also, sober. [GaySocialites]
• Weird club scene: A newly single Al Reynolds was hitting on women and "drinking all night with his pinky in the air." Sean Combs, in the same establishment, was sitting in the corner reading a book. [P6]
• Meanwhile, in a West Hollywood club, Lindsay Lohan was crying, probably about having to return that fur coat. [P6]
• One-legged Heather Mills promised to buy two artificial legs for a Russian mother and then never paid up, said British friends of the Russian. There are so many puns I could make right now, if I worked at TMZ. [News Of The World]
• People saw Kate Hudson wearing an engagement ring and got very excited, thinking the actress was about to marry fellow crazy Owen Wilson. But it turns out she's just shooting a movie about brides. It's not like you can slip in and out of wardrobe at will. [Us]
• Madonna said the f-word twice at a concert in England and almost exposed her boobs, and people complained, as though that's not what you pay Madonna to do. [Sun]

"There are religious differences," one [source] points out. "Would he expect her to convert to Judaism?"

Lauren's mother, Sharon, is a devout Christian.

The Daily News did find one Bush insider to dispute George and Barbara Bush's disapproval of Lauren, and to point out that even the elder George Bush didn't get to invite siblings.

NB to David: If you do get invited, don't bring up Grandpa Prescott. So awkward.

[Rush & Molloy]

• Jenna Bush will get married this weekend at a ranch in Texas. Oscar de la Renta supplied the gown the presidential daughter will eventually be puking on. (UPDATE: AP may be wrong on bridesmaid count, see first comment.) [AP]
• Singer and Perez Hilton macker John Mayer is — surprise! — acting kind of scuzzy toward actress/hookup Jennifer Aniston. Mayer "was all over some [other] blond girl" at a club in New York recently. [P6]
• Mary-Kate Olsen was left off the Maxim "Hot 100" list, and twin sister Ashley was left on, at number 47. Wait, which one is supposed to feel dissed by this? Ashley, right? [P6]
• Prince is releasing a coffee table book called 21 Nights with photos of his concerts in London last year. And then there will be a "compilation album" in there too, since publishing in just one dying medium is not enough. [E!]
• So now singer Mariah Carey is not just engaged but married to actor Nick Cannon. "Her friends were, to put it mildly, stunned, but happy for her." [P6]

It doesn't matter how good or bad the product is, the fact is that people don't read anymore. Forty percent of the people in the U.S. read one book or less last year. The whole conception is flawed at the top because people don't read anymore.

• Concert mishap-prone diva Beyonce Knowles accidentally flashed her tits to an audience. And this had her lookin' so crazy, etc. [Hollywoodtuna which, actually, just typing that makes us feel gross]
  
• The LA County D.A.'s office might not file felony charges against Lindsay Lohan, which would mean that she'd serve a max of four days in jail for her double DUIs. That'll learn her! [TMZ]
  
• The most telling part of this item about Britney Spears' refusal to record a duet with her ex Justin Timberlake is probably this last sentence: "Spears, who's embroiled in a nasty custody battle for her children, Sean Preston and Jaden James, with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, doesn't have representation and couldn't be reached." [Page Six]
  
• Harvey Weinstein is offering $100,000 to anyone who can identify the Upper East Side socialite who 'The Nanny Diaries' "Mrs. X" is based on. Um, maybe it's "Lisa Birnbach, co-author of "The Preppy Handbook," who once employed one of the writers"? We'd like the prize in cash, Harvey. [Page Six]
  
• The White House says those Jenna Bush shotgun wedding rumors are "absurd." [R&M, last item]

• Jack Nicholson has to continually drink water in order to swallow anything, because his salivary glands have stopped working. [Page Six]
  
• Laura Bush on daughter Jenna's now-fiance in 2005: "This is not a serious boyfriend — I hate to have to be the one to say it on television. But he's a very nice young man." [Wonkette]
  
• ""I've heard pregnancy was hard, but Nicole's making it so easy," [Joel] Madden told Village Pourhouse owner Michael Sinensky after deejaying the club's first-anniversary party. [R&M, second item]

Its language has a literary purity, and its narrative flows seamlessly back and forth between the interior and exterior lives of "Ana" and the people around her, all of whom vividly remember offhand details of events going back to their early childhoods or verbatim quotations from long-ago conversations. It reads, in other words, like a very good novel for young teens; it's hard to say even if "Ana" and the others are real people, since the author has changed all their names (to protect their privacy, she says) and doesn't even name the city and country they live in.

First Look: Jenna Bush's book 'Ana's Story' [PopWatch]