• Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson is under arrest for grand theft after stealing fancy clothes and baubles from a supermodel ex. NYP reports, "the thief stole jewelry, shoes, 600 pages of a legal document, clothing—even her underwear. The thief also left a bizarre calling card—a used vibrator was found in her bed and a wet towel was on the floor." Casey was apprehended after on-again off-again girlfriend Courtenay Semel texted victim Jasmine Lennard some troubling news: "There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear." Lennard appears to be of sexuality: opportunistic, judging by myriad photos of a scantily clad Lennard clinging to the arms of well-dressed octogenarians (and Simon Cowell?). Point being: I am so ready for Casey Johnson's made-for-TV movie. [NYP]
• 
  
• "Party Girl History of Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress Surfaces." Here's what I learned: (1) Rachel Uchitel is a professional starfucker. She promotes high-end Vegas and NYC clubs including Tao, Marquee, and Stanton Social, and is tasked with scoring celebrity appearances (2) She went on at least one date with Will.i.Am (3) Her mother is a Palm Beach socialite with a condo next door to Rudy Giuliani's. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Speaking of Uchitel, HuffPo has an enlightening slideshow of "Gloria Allred's Women." The famed lawyer to tabloid-bait females (Bill Clinton harassee Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson's fam) has been hired by Uchitel. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Richard Gere may be fined up to $50,000 for chopping down 200 trees in his Westchester estate without acquiring a permit. Deforestation without paper work is a no-no in the Bestchester, and even "very popular" Little League dads are not immune. [P6]
• 
  
• Speaking of Tiger Woods, oddsmakers are having a field day with a sports star scandal. Odds are that he'll buy his wife an expensive ring (+500), admit to having an affair (+275), get a divorce (+250), and/or was drunk at the time (+200). Odd that he stays with his wife are worse. (-150) [TMZ]
• 
  
• Heidi Klum and Seal's baby daughter had her photographic debut in a classy black-and-white pic on her parents' website. Lou Samuel is as photogenic as you'd imagine, and has a shocking amount of hair. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jennifer Aniston is helping promote her yoga trainer's DVD, and there's a Self magazine tie-in, too, because uptight women who wake up at 5AM to do yoga and study techniques for non-bulky ab sculpting in Self are the only fans sad Jen left. [P6]
• 
  
• Shaquille O'Neal's wife moved to L.A. and, days later, filed for divorce, a clever move that is perhaps related to California's even-steven division of assets and alimony laws. Shaq, however, isn't having it, and filed papers to force the legal proceedings back to Florida, where Shaq lives and Shaunie used to. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, and Jimmy and Nancy Fallon, went on a double date for brunch. Too cute. [P6]
• 
  
• The thorn in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's side is back: The woman who claims Hasselbeck plagiarized her book has refiled charges, after her first suit was tossed out earlier this month. The lady says her suit against The View's co-host was tossed out on a technicality, which she has now fixed it. I'm torn on how to react to this news: On the one hand, Hasselbeck is annoying and unoriginal, so the suit feels right. On the other, someone who refiles near-identical lawsuits repeatedly doesn't sound so great, either. I hate it when I don't know who to cheer for. [TMZ]
• 
  

• In Morocco, nobody can hear you scream. Actually, in Morocco, Jennifer Aniston is the biggest thing since sliced bread. Apparently, she was there for a week, and she got into a car with Orlando Bloom, and there was "breathless speculation" about romance. That said, this woman couldn't get into a car with a Clydesdale and a brass instrument without sparking breathless speculation about romance between the three of them. Her vagina must have some kind of magical property to it, or it must be some kind of unspoken Hollywood male birthright: If you don't touch this vagina, you will never be in contention for People's Sexiest Man Alive. Robert Pattinson's at least given her a foot massage. At least. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Daily News didn't have any good gossip items today, so instead they ran two pages about how Jake Gyllenhaal is a "jack of all trades" or something. They go very out of their way to assure us that him and Reese are definitely dating, and that his two new movies—the melodrama with Natalie Portman about whatever with Tobey Maguire, and Prince of Persia, where he gets to dress in clothing Tom Cruise only dreams about wearing in public—are very different. Sometimes, I just want to knock over the Daily News gossip page. Nothing else, just "knock over." [NYDN]
  
  
• OKAY. OMG. OMG. You can't be serious right now. Crackface Courtney Love ran into DJ Qualls at 1OAK when they were both clubbing on Thanksgiving eve. Qualls and Love ended up making out, and then they went to a strip club together. Yes, you know who DJ Qualls is. This dude. Always ending up in crazypants situations like that, isn't he? Related: JESUS Page Six you are the best. Sometimes, you just make me want to knock over the Daily News gossip pages. Nothing, just "knock over." [Page Six]
  
  
• Years of wearing comically oversized stiletto heels that she uses to make the bouncy dog toy otherwise known as her husband David Beckham squeak has left Victoria "Ground Cumin" Beckham in need of foot surgery to remove bunions. Ah, yes, bunions. I can think of nothing sexier for Becks and Posh's image than some bunions. That oughta help. [NYDN]
  
  
• Somehow, Lindsay Lohan can still afford a dickhead security crew, because there was one ready to erase any pictures the lead singer of Cobra Starship had on his phone after he snapped away at Lohan getting trashed at Hudson Terrace. He was the DJ there, but Lohan's security people could care less. Because, like Lohan, they're clueless assholes. This is how you win back the love of the people, Lohan. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Phelps has dated not one but two Miss California ladypeople. Which is two more Miss California ladypeople than everyone else gets to date. The plot, however, thickens: Phelps dated Carrie Prejean at one point. The entire subtext behind all reporting of this fact is: we hope they made a sex tape. I...can't argue with that sentiment. Also, I hope she didn't suck any of Phelps' brain cells by osmosis. That wouldn't be nice. [NYDN]
  
  
• Who eats at The Waverly Inn on Thanksgiving? Try Martin Scorsese and Oliver Stone on for size. Yeah, these two guys, who do all the movies about the crooks and the psychopaths and the sociopaths, guess where they have dinner on Thanksgiving? Yes, The Waverly Inn. Of course. [Page Six]
  
  
• So, J-Lo's sex tape is coming out and before we go any further, am I allowed to submit a name for this? Is Jenny From The Cock too vile? Yes, it kind of is. Okay. We can just go with Gigli. That's not vile. Anyway: J-Lo's sex tape is on its way out and it might involve spanking of some kind. Yeah: spanking. Great. Can you tell how underwhelmed I am by this? Normal celebrity sex tapes are just so passe, nahmean? I want to hear about the DJ Qualls/Courtney Love sex tape. Hear about, not necessarily watch. [Page Six]
  
  
• File Under: Happy Families You Never Thought Would Be Happy. Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith saw West Side Story with, like, 15 people. And then they had lunch. This is the kind of reporting you won't get from the New York Times (and especially not the Daily News): "Banderas, who had missed breakfast and lunch, ordered two entrees and finished them both." Revelations. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton opened her mouth to talk about what a tomboy she is. Yes, because if there's anything a straight guy loves to do, it's dress in pink, carry around small dogs, and blow Rick Salomon on camera. Paris Hilton, there are tomboys out there who flinch at that distinction. For them: don't. People called this a "style revelation" or something. I want to drill a hole in my face. [People]

Did you guys all have a good Thanksgiving? I hope so. It's good to know that some people, however beleaguered time and time again by the mystical forces of love in the universe, will not back down. Jennifer Aniston, for example. If I'd put the good money on her still making the top of the gossip roundup before there was a gossip roundup, I would've lost it. Anyway: This jam goes out to her, and you all. I hope you bought tons of useless wonderful things yesterday and stimulated our economy and hopefully those useless wonderful things will go to wonderful, resilient people. Like Jennifer Aniston! See how I did that? Neither do I.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin.]

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

Ok!
"I'll Love Him Forever." This article, titled "Our Love Story," is about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "like an old married couple." Why? Because they would drive to the set of Eclipse together, and, when headed home, one would wait for the other to get out of wardrobe and makeup. Oh, and Rob is like a "human magnet" for Kristen. They love each other, etc. BREAKING: Heels are not rain boots, Suri Cruise! (See image 7) Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom are "prepping for parenthood" by getting a dog. Lindsay Lohan has been partying all night every night in the last few days. The source here is a paparazzo who follows LL. He says: "After 4, 5, 6 in the morning, she's really crazy. She screams and yells and says very mean things, even though she knows us very well." Maybe she doesn't want to be followed at 5 am? Anyway, another "friend" says Lindsay refuses to go to rehab: "We ask, we beg, but she won't listen."
Grade: F (headlice)

Us
"Her Secret Deal."
Katie Holmes is sad and lonely because she's "committed herself" to a seven-year contract and Tom tells her what to wear, how to cut her hair and when to work out. "He even told her to be pale like Nicole [Kidman]," says a source. Meanwhile, Suri is 3 going on 30 with her heels and San Pelligrino and so on. As for Katie, the mag says her "situation" will "not improve until November 2013," when her contract is up. Moving on: Recently at a West Hollywood nightclub, Lindsay Lohan shouted at two photographers: "Why don't you go find my dad? He's the one who wants the pictures." Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are stalking the stork; a source says: "Gwen has told friends she's trying for another baby." In Rob and Kristen news, they ordered the same thing for room service breakfast recently — and had it delivered to one room, which means, OMG, he slept over. A hotel staffer adds, "They were already dressed when room service was delivered." You can practically feel the magazine's disappointment! In case you're unsure of the milestones in the "Robsten" relationship, Us has provided a handy timeline (See image 8). Jon Gosselin is threatening to have a showdown on Thanksgiving because Kate Gosselin plans to invite her bodyguard, Steve Neild. A source says Jon's jealous: "Even though he knows it's over with Kate, he still can't stand the thought of her being with another man, especially Steve." Another source says Kate's constantly on the phone with Steve, "smiling like a teenager" and "I haven't heard her yell in two weeks." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston and two friends flew via private jet to the One & Only Palmilla resort in Cabo San Lucas. "On Aniston's agenda? Morning yoga sessions, lying by the pool, and being waited on hand and foot."
Grade: F (peeling scalp)

Life & Style
"Tears, Joy, And Drama At The Baby Shower."
While the magazine does not flat-out claim that it sponsored Kourtney Kardashian's baby shower, the guests drank from soda bottles decorated with with Kourtney's Life & Style cover (See image 9). And the magazine says: "Life & Style and Simmons jewelry company gave Kourtney a limited edition Hello Kitty necklace made from white gold, enamel and diamonds." Price? $950. There were 84 guests at the party, and they got chocolate Louboutin shoes and swag bags — it was a publicity event, not a baby shower. Each sister gave an exclusive interview to the magazine, which is where the "drama" comes in — Khloe and Kim used to hate Kourtney's baby daddy Scott Disick, because he was accused of cheating on Kourtney, but now they like him, because "he's done small things" like putting the crib together. And he got a job. With QuickTrim. For which the Kardashians are spokesmodels. Moving on: Michael Lohan is trashing Jon Gosselin and the way he treated Kate Major: "You sleep with a woman, you gain her confidence by saying you're going to hire her, then you use her like that?I spoke to Stephanie Santoro, and it was the same thing." Here are three ways Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are copying Angelina and Brad: First they denied they were in a relationship; then they get people used to the idea of them as a couple with an intimate photo shoot in a fashion magazine; then they GRADUALLY show PDA (see image 10). Also inside: Michael Lohan says: "I will not release another audio tape about Lindsay. I did it because I wanted Lindsay to know how I felt when I heard that tape. When I get a phone call at 2, 3, 4, 5 in the morning from my daughter and she's in dire straits, I get very concerned." Lastly: Michael Jackson's funeral cost $1,146,518.62, and the mag itemizes that receipt for you (See image 11).
Grade: D- (clumps of hair falling out)

In Touch
"Yes! They'll Reunite!"
Re: The cover image: Do you love how they are Photoshopped together, with her arm disappearing into his chest? The cover copy reads: "Jen waits for Brad at the resort they love." But inside, what they mean is: She went to a hotel in Mexico she'd been to with Brad and "waited" for him to text her. "After a few glasses of wine on November 13, his pal reveals that Jen ducked away from her group of friends and exchanged a series of text messages with Brad that crossed the line from friendly to downright flirtatious." Oh, and you know how two tell-all books about Brangelina are coming out? Angelina's "tarnished" image is driving Brad away, and he thinks she's brought this on herself because of her addiction to attention. The copy reads: "Brad isn't worried about how the books will affect Angelina, but how they might hurt their children." A source says: "Maddox is old enough to Google his mom now, and Brad is afraid he'll get hurt." Jen's friend says: "Brad seems haggard. All Jen wants to to when she sees him is give him a big hug and tell him he'll be fine." Oh, and Brad and Jen have reconnected over Norman, Jen's sick dog — who used to be Brad's dog, too. Also inside: Geena Davis may have put on 50 lbs. Jennifer Garner may have lost 35 lbs. Britney Spears is in a "race to the altar." She's expecting Jason Trawick to propose over Christmas, and she wants to get married in the summer of 2010. Wait, is that a race? She wants bridesmaids, a gown and a four-tiered cake — a traditional wedding. (What, no pimps and hos sweatsuits?) "Britney wants to tie the knot ASAP to insure that Jason won't leave her again." She also wants her dad's conservatorship to end. Oh, and her dad wants her to start on another album after her tour, while Jason wants her to take a break — and he thinks her family is using her. Next: When Sarah Palin was on Oprah's show, things backstage were "tense." Did Nicole Kidman have a boob job? (See image 12) BREAKING: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were spotted getting off of a plane in Paris and HOLDING HANDS. "She grinned from ear to ear and snuggled into him happily," a source says. "They're obviously a couple and definitely in love." During their European trip, they booked separate rooms, but she ordered breakfast and coffee for two the day after they arrived. Lastly: a 41-year-old man named Matthew Roberts was adopted as a baby and found his birth mom in 1997, and she told him he was conceived when she was raped during a drug-fueled orgy involving Charles Manson and four other men. Why this story is here we have no idea, but the guy does look like Manson. (See image 13)
Grade: D- (matted hair)

Star
"Katie's $15 Million Tell All."
Since her contract expires on November 18 (TODAY), Katie is "prepared to pen an explosive and embarrassing exposé" of her life behind closed doors. She COULD get $15 million for her confessions. Like: They have separate bedrooms, and she says it's because Tom snores loudly, but Katie has hinted that they've never slept the whole night together. Tom likes it when Katie wears sexy lingerie, and Tom likes to "parade around the house in military uniforms," similar to the ones he wore in Top Gun, A Few Good Men and Valkyrie. "It makes him feel handsome," according to a source. Tom spends hours each day in front of the mirror, checking out his wrinkles and love handles. He also waxes his chest regularly and gets colonics. Tom lets Suri do whatever she wants and has already had to replace mahogany paneling twice in six months, because he lets her draw pictures on the walls. And! "Katie may also decide to go public about Tom's secret Scientology mobile unit. It's a black American-made van that looks like a regular vehicle on the outside, but inside it's fitted with high tech gadgets, monitors and computer equipment worth of a spy flick." A source says Tom spends a ton of time in the van: "It's how he keeps in touch with Scientologists all over the world. It's padded on the inside, so that no one can hear anything on the outside. Not too many people get to see the inside of this thing." Moving on: Did Kim Kardashian get a nose job? (See image 14). Rihanna is a "carbo-loader" who insists on fast-food feasts. And just so you know, Lady Gaga requests a hot, whole roast chicken in her tour rider. Precious star Gabby Sidibe is featured in a piece called "She's Got Style" and the copy reads, "she's a pro when it comes to turning heads." Seriously, there is not ONE crack about her weight from the magazine which does "Best & Worst Beach Bodies" regularly. (See image 15). Drew Barrymore has kicked Justin Long out of her apartment because he's a slob and started acting like a Frat boy, leaving his stuff all over the place. Someone told Jennifer Aniston that her ex, Adam Duritz, was on his way to a party — with his new ladyfriend, Emmy Rossum — so Jen "bolted out the back door." Bruce Willis took his wife Emma Heming to dinner and the owner of the restaurant mistook her for one of his daughters. Blind item! "Which actor plays a loving dad and hubby on TV, but likes to play the field in real life? While his wife cares for their kid, he hits NYC hot spots, trying to pick up young chicks." Khloe Kardashian was spotted picking up half a dozen pregnancy tests at Rite- Aid. In Brad & Angie news, they visited a museum, and the story goes, "They were so inspired by the beauty all around them that they babbled about their future family plans." Angie said: "I have a mosaic in my house. I have ancient cultures, and we celebrate everything. This year, we're doing Christmas, Kwanzaa and even Hanukkah." When asked if she was going to have one more kid, Angie said "I'm always thinking about it. I would love to." Brad said: "You never know." Fantasia Barrino's fans are upset because she is dating a married father of two who left his wife and kids to move in with her. He used to work in a T-mobile store and now Fantasia has his name tattooed on her chest. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake went to a Jay-Z show and guess who came out to sing "Run This Town"? Rihanna. Seeing her was "like a knife" in Jessica's heart, but Justin danced and sang along. "Jessica stood there like a fool… trying not to cry." The New Moon promotional tour took Rob to Japan and Kristen to South America, and when they were apart, Rob realized he couldn't live without Kristen. So then there's some stuff in here for the Twihards: When Rob and Kristen stayed in that hotel in Paris, he arranged for the staff to place dozens of roses around the room — there were flower petals covering the floor and bed and lit candles everywhere when she walked in. The two are planning to get married once all the Twilight craze dies down. Which is never. They might elope in London. Finally: "Wow, Jen's New Bikini Body" is about how in Mexico, Ms. Aniston's belly was slightly rounder and she ate everything she wanted: "Could she be getting ready to be a mom?" A source says Jen's been hooking up with John Mayer — and they haven't always been careful. The "pal" reminds us: "Just because she's single doesn't mean she can't get pregnant!"
Grade: D+ (dandruff)

From Ok!

From Us

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Star

From Star

• Apparently Lindsay Lohan was seen making out and leaving the Sol Kerzner Mazagan Beach Resort launch party in Morocco with 300 hottie Gerard Butler. Wow, the collective tabloid media really really wants this guy to date someone famous—whether it's Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, or LiLo. Either that or he has a publicist who really really would rather have the playboy rumors floating around than the gay ones. Speaking of no longer gay, it seems Lohan has given up women since breaking with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. She's been linked to Butler and model (and SamRo look-alike) Petey Wright. Both Butler and Lohan's reps deny anything untoward happened between the two and Lindsay tweeted (creative capitalization and punctuation is hers), "One minute i'm dumped, the next i'm dating a model, now Gerard? WHO HAS THE TIME! such lies - it keeps me laughing." Well, and it keeps all of us reading. [Gatecrasher]
• Mischa Barton had a really rough Halloween. Not only is she reportedly off the wagon, she had a drink dumped on her in a NY bar by a guy who says she stepped on his foot. She threw a drink back at him (so unlike Mischa, to waste perfectly good booze) and got her friends to rough the guy up before bouncers stepped in. Things were a little bit more civil on Friday night at Yoni Goldberg's Halloween party, where she and ex Brandon Davis just glowered at each other across the room. Maybe she was too "wobbly" to go say hello. [UK Mirror, P6]
• Jeremy Piven is taking this "you are what you eat" thing way too seriously. The infamous sushigate survivor now claims that he quit drinking soy milk because it was making him grow man boobs. And here we thought that babies loved milk. [Digital Spy]
• Broadway is a tiny community, so it makes sense that Jude Law and his ex Sienna Miller, both currently on the Great White Way, would bump into each other. They are denying that they are anything but friends. If they are rekindling their romance, he's going to have to explain why he was sucking face with a hot blonde at The Box the other night. Cause it's not like Jude Law to cheat. No, never. Not him. [People, P6]
• Kate Winslet is our new hero. She sued the U.K.'s Daily Mail when they said she was lying about not working out before the Academy Awards, and she just won a $40,000 payout from the newspaper. She actually wants people to think she doesn't exercise! She looks good, doesn't go to the gym, and is a badass. Amazing. [People]
• Minus Jon and her eight, Kate Gosselin had a special on TLC last night called Kate's Story. The moral of the story is that "a part of [her] always will [love Jon]. We're glad someone does. Actually, we take that back. [People]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams is at some luxury retirement home in Arizona. Then why hasn't she retired? [Cindy Adams]

[Image via Getty]

Life & Style
"I Lost 82 Lbs!"
Everyone loves a weight loss story… Except for us. Six pages of Biggest Loser info — including an "old diet" versus "new diet" chart and the obligatory grilled chicken over salad photo. Moving on: "More Heels For Suri" is self-explanatory (See image 7). "Wow! How Did They Do That?" is a baby weight feature in which pregnancy weights are compared to post-pregnancy weights. All weights were estimated from photos by a doctor who does not treat the stars. Obviously. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a "hot and flirty date"! The lead image looks like a shot of the happy couple, but it's actually two pictures cleverly pasted together. (See image 8; we added arrows pointing to the seam.) A source says Jess and Gerard had chemistry, but she ended up going home with her hairdresser. Someone else says: "He's horny, but there's nothing really going on between them." Next: Brad Pitt had a motorcycle mishap and told some guy that Angie was going to kill him, because she thinks motorcycles are too dangerous. (But didn't she buy him the bike?) Psychotherapist Jenn Berman, who does not treat Brad, says: "I don't think it's a good idea for a father to risk his safety." Lastly: Ashlee Simpson's character has been written out of Melrose Place and she is "devastated." And! Losing her salary is not good for the Simpson-Wentzes.
Grade: F (broken filling)

OK!
"Split!"
Robert Pattinson showed up 45 minutes late to the Eclipse wrap party, and when he left, he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The mag writes: "The reason? He was hiding his broken heart." A "friend" of the couple's says he was talking marriage but Kristen Stewart wasn't ready. Apparently Kristen filmed some steamy love scenes with Taylor Lautner, and keeps talking about how he's getting "bigger and bigger and bigger." A source says "she couldn't stop noticing his bod. His hot bod." Anyways, Rob and Kristen are on a break, but it doesn't mean things are over. The break, interestingly enough, coincides with the hiatus between Twilight movies. (Robert doesn't want to go to LA with Kristen because he's scared of earthquakes.) Next: Bradley Cooper told Renée Zellweger he wants to slow down before anyone's feelings get hurt. The mag calls out Star for printing that Mary-Kate got engaged and also refutes Life & Style's claim that Angelina Joie has a fear of hugging. Check out the "exhaustive research" by their "Investigative Team" (See image 9). Jennifer Aniston is "one step closer to being a mom" because she visited an orphanage in Tijuana, where she made the kids spaghetti for dinner. She's also house-hunting in Mexico. Lastly: There's a two-page feature on Abigail Spencer, who plays Suzanne Farrell — aka Don Draper's mistress — on Mad Men.
Grade: D- (poppy seed stuck in teeth)

In Touch
"Running Back To Jen."
Brad got into a motorcycle accident, but the real news is that he was on his way to a "top secret meeting" with Jennifer Aniston. In other words: Brad was trying to get to Jen and away from Angie so fast, he had an accident! According to sources, Angelina is "not liking" the independent streak that Brad has been showing lately, and Brad realizes that leaving Jen for Angie was "hotheaded and dumb." A "pal" says: "They had a whirlwind affair and he was following Angelina around like a love sick puppy for a while." But now? "He sees her for nasty, calculating person that she is, and he wants to leave. It's terrible, because he feels trapped." Next there are disturbing photos of RHONJTeresa Giudice's new baby wearing feathers and leopard print. (See image 10). Ashlee Simpson "cried in her dressing room" after getting the boot from Melrose Place, poor thing. Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a "cheesy" new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman. It will be called Jon - Kate = Jon+ Octomom. BREAKING: "Katie Holmes returns to her sad life in Boston with Tom Cruise." BREAKING: Susan Boyle is younger than Madonna. (See image 11). Lastly, Matthew McConaughey's kid is just a tiny version of Matthew McConaughey. (See image 12).
Grade: D (pineapple string stuck in teeth)

Us
"This Time I'm Sure."
The guy from The Bachelor proposed to Meilssa Rycroft, then broke it off and got with the Molly from the show, and is now engaged to Molly. Or something. We didn't read the story. Moving on: An Melrose Place insider says they hired Ashlee because they needed a good name for "buzz," but she was embarrassingly bad. Another source says: "She's the worst actress, but nobody will tell her." The spread called "Tinseltown Transformations" is the best thing we have ever seen and proves that everyone you suspect had a nose job (coughTyracough) actually did. The ones you're not sure about are the ones with really good surgeons. (See images 13 and 14 ). Madonna gives Jesus expensive presents when she regrets being nasty to him. She bosses him around, feels guilty later, then buys him stuff like hand-tailored silk shirts. Ryan Gosling is still pining for Rachel McAdams. A friend says Ryan considered Rachel the love of his life and hasn't had eyes for anyone else since their breakup. Taylor Swift invited Taylor Lautner to the set of a commercial she was filming and a source says "they were definitely acting like a couple." Next is the amazing chart which proves that Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston are "on the same path." They like Mexican food! They have great hair! (See image 15). Kate Hudson and A-Rod are planning their life together, and A-Rod is "less of a jerk" now that he's with Kate. Apparently the sex is good and Kate "gets graphic" talking about A-Rod's body — "even to her parents." In Jackson kids news, a source says all the guys in the family (Joe; the Jackson brothers) look at them with dollar signs in their eyes — while the women (Katherine, the Jackson sisters) are protecting them.
Grade: D+ (popcorn husk stuck in teeth)

Star
"Tom & Katie: The End"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' third wedding anniversary is coming up — November 18 — which means they can "renegotiate their marriage contract"! When they got hitched, Tom had a 100-page document drawn up, spelling out everything from Katie's clothing allowance to a cash bonus for having babies. She wants: A bigger clothing allowance; for Tom to find a movie for her to star in; and another Broadway show. She got a $3 million "gift" when she had Suri, and every year Tom increases the additional offspring prize offer as an incentive for Katie to get pregnant. This year he's prepared to bump it up to $5 million! Tom wants Katie to get pregnant NOW and every week he reminds her that she is 30 and her biological clock is ticking away. Her dad's a lawyer, so she talks to him about the contract and is holding off on the baby while the deal is being made. If Tom and Katie don't work out the contract, they could split and fight over Suri — plus, Katie could "spill some of Tom's dark secrets." Next: New Line Cinema is supposedly casting a Jon and Kate movie, and would like Cameron Diaz for Kate and Johnny Depp for Jon. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were photographed together recently, and Rihanna got a ton of calls asking if she'd seen the pictures. She "flipped," because she's really into Justin. When she emailed him and asked him what was going on, he said he was trying to work things out with Jess. Now Rihanna feels that she got played. Kate Hudson answered A-Rod's cellphone, and when he complained, she threw the phone in the toilet. Blind item! "Which divorcée hasn't had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as 'a friend,' but now that things are over, she's on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company." This is weird: "Rachel Bilson wears the pants" in her relationship because she and Hayden Christensen went out to dinner and she ordered his meal, picked up the bill, and, "when they left, Rachel even drove!" Brad and Angie's English bulldog, Jack, destroyed a $500,000 Marcel Dzama painting. Jenny Craig spokeswoman Queen Latifah had breakfast in Beverly Hills and ordered a latte, three muffins, a slice of chocolate cake and a cinnamon roll to go. A source says: "She had a guilty look on her face." Maddox has been pushing his parents to get married, so in late September, Brad and Angie had a ceremony at their house, and it was officiated by Maddox. He assigned roles for everyone: Shiloh was the "ring bear"; Zahara was the flower girl, and Pax was the best man. Viv and Knox watched and giggled. Angelina wore a white dress; Brad wore a suit; Maddox wore camouflage; Pax wore a soccer jersey; Shiloh had her sword; Zahara wore a dress and tiara. Moving along: Kristen Stewart did not show up to the Eclipse wrap party and Robert Pattinson only stayed for 45 minutes before leaving alone. Sources say they had a fight on October 15 because Rob told Kristen that he was going back to the UK on their hiatus and wouldn't have time for her. Noah Cyrus, 9, wore a "racy getup" to a fundraiser last weekend. (See image 16). Jen, Jess and Cam are in the center of the "Hollywood Love Swap," surrounded by a constellation of guys (See image 17). Is Heather Locklear to blame for Ashlee Simpson getting fired from Melrose Place? Sources say Heather wanted her gone so it could be her show. Lastly, Miranda Kerr and Jamie King are "skin and bones." The mag writes of Kerr: "Although she refuses to reveal her true weight, Dr. Fisher believes Miranda weighs about 110 lbs." Does this mean a reporter actually called her publicist and asked for Miranda Kerr's weight?!?! Dr. Fisher, who has not treated Miranda, is the author of The Park Avenue Diet. Obviously.
Grade: C- (spinach stuck in teeth)

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• So Lindsay Lohan and Donatella Versace showed up with the same hair, messed up pout, and similar outfits at last night's Met International Ball. This is causing a huge media frenzy because, well, no one thinks anyone should look like Donatella. Basically, no one has anything to say but, "Ew, gross." [NYDN, NY Post]
• The first photos of Nicole Richie's little bundle of joy, Sparrow, are out. Yes, it's a boy. Yes, that's his name.
• [People]
• James Gandolfini thinks Elaine Stritch is in love with him. The he calls Alec Baldwin fat. Pots and kettles, people. [P6]
• Hulk Hogan thought about killing himself after his wife left him. That's sadder than the cancellation of American Gladiators. [NYDN]
• Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger could barely contain themselves to meet Julie Andrews. Katie was excited because she says "we have Mary Poppins and Sound of Music playing in our house a lot right now." We always knew Tom was a show queen! [UK Mirror]
• Kate Gosselin has no clue why her brood is acting out. We're sure it has nothing to do with her divorce, the cameras in their faces being taken away, their father wearing too much Ed Hardy, or her horrible hair. Can't be that. [NYDN]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are reigniting their on-again-off-again. We kind of find this to be like when mom calls on the phone and tells you boring news about a cousin you never see. [E Online]

[Image via Getty]

We've seen this sort of behavior before, most notably with people like Jude Law and Colin Farrell, guys who were made into leading men before they had time to prove that they had the chops for such a responsibility. Let lessons be learned from the past and let's put Butler on probation.

Why does this misbehaving star deserve to be grounded? Well, after some early success in a Tomb Raider movie and the title role in the abysmal film adaptation of Phantom of the Opera, Butler and his abs starred in the surprise hit 300, grossing half a billion worldwide and making a legion of fanboys, ladies, and gay men very happy in the process. Because of this crossover appeal, his handlers thought that he could simultaneously dabble in both action and romantic comedy. That could be true, but he hasn't bothered to be in a good movie since 300. Crappy movies are crappy in any genre.

With P.S. I Love You and The Ugly Truth, his rom-coms with Hilary Swank and Katherine Heigl respectively, were both box office flops and critical duds. Gamer, released last month to deafening silence, has barely made a mark and struggled to get past the $20 million mark. It has been a series of missteps for this Scotsman. Citizen, which costars Jamie Foxx, had a good showing at the box office, but critics lit into it, which means that it probably won't rally much more in coming weeks.

While not as bad as Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr or professional bad decision makers Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, Butler is headed down that path if we don't intervene. If he can't pull out a decent project or two then he will be banned from all movies, tabloids, red carpet affairs, awards ceremonies, and celebrity relationships. If he can stay out of the press for three years, he may be rewarded with the starring role on a CBS procedural. This is your punishment Butler, so you better shape up.

Next year's Jennifer Aniston comedy The Bounty could go either way. Aniston was in The Break Up, the best romantic comedy of the decade, but the quality probably had more to do with the writing and direction than her abilities. It better work out, because if not, Butler is well on his way to being an over-valued, over-paid star who can't open anything bigger than a cereal box. If it does, along with maybe a prestige picture or a great cameo in a smaller film, then we will reinstate him into our good grace. Until them, he's in a professional time out.

[Image via Getty]

• It's hard keeping track of Jennifer Aniston's alleged love life. One day she's screwing Gerard Butler, the next it's secret meetings with Brad. Now she's apparently staying in close contact with her "ex" John Mayer, on whom she's "hooked" and "can't let go." Yes, it can all get confusing, but at least she only has three in the rotation. For now. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's former babysitter claims Jon hacked into Kate's emails and now Kate's saying she may talk to her lawyers because she's "disturbed" by it all. Yeah, so are we. [Us]
  
  
• Oh, haha! Professional actor Jesse Metcalfe joked that he got erections while making out with Eva Longoria. No wonder this guy doesn't get more acting jobs. [TMZ]
  
  
• Donald Trump continues his war of words on Tilda Swinton, who opposes his plans to construct a golf course on a Scottish coast. She compared it to poor people's forceful evictions during the Highland Clearance's gentrification, which led Trump to say of the world-famous actress: "It's a shame that she would disgrace the thousands of Scots who suffered for her own personal gain and in order to get some easy publicity for herself." [Page Six]
  
  
• Tao will pay Kim Kardashian $50,000 to "celebrate" her birthday at their Las Vegas location. Life's truly unfair. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney's son, James, was trying to quietly start a music career. Now the papers are on to him, so that bubble's burst. [The Sun]
  
  
• California claims Patti LuPone owes nearly $10,000 in back taxes, but her people say it just isn't so, because the actress is "meticulous" about paying the tax man. So there! [Page Six]
  
  
• Ahhh! We've seen scary skinny models, and Miranda Kerr definitely deserves honorary mention. Well done! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Melissa Rycroft, who's a "celebrity" for being on The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars, has swine flu... [NYDN]
  
  
• ...And MSNBC's think Rycroft's announcing her swine flu for publicity. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Poor Fred Durst! Married three months and it's already over. [People]
  
  
• Just when you thought the Kanye/Taylor Swift scandal had gone to tabloid heaven, Taylor Swift hints that she may make fun of it when she hosts Saturday Night Live. Sounds like too easy a set-up. [Star]
  
  
• Sources say GQ photo-shopped January Jones' boobs to make them bigger, but photo editor Dora Samo insists Jones just uses what her mama gave her: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular." [Page Six]
  
  
• A second autopsy reveals that cocaine did not contribute to Billy Mays' death. Now, let's let the poor man's family rest. [NYDN]

• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are the strangest, most annoyingly compelling ex-spouses in history. They reportedly had a "secret meeting" at a New York hotel so that Pitt could bitch and moan about his crumbling marriage to Angelina Jolie, for whom he left Aniston. Twisted. (PS: Doesn't this picture make you a bit nostalgic?) [Daily Mail]
  
  
• We know you would never do such a thing, but just in case: don't rent your home to Kevin Federline, because he'll ruin it forever. [TMZ]
  
  
• Nancy Grace is not amused by Jon Gosselin, who she thinks is far too self-involved and needs to take care of his many, many children. [Us]
  
  
• We're not entirely sure why, but Jeremy Piven gets a lot of tail. On the positive side, his latest women are of many races, so at least he's an equal opportunity cad, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Mel Gibson got his wish: that whole anti-Semitic DUI arrest has been expunged from his record. But we'll never forget. [Star]
  
  
• If you're famous and within reaching distance, Courtney Love will kiss you. You've been warned. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hoping to make a great impression on the gays, Levi Johnston's "working out six days a week" for his Playgirl shoot. All we're saying is that we better see penis. [US]
  
  
• Padma Lakshmi's with child, which means she's gaining weight, which means she can't fit into her clothes, so she donated them to charity. We've always liked her style. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sad socialite Tinsley Mortimer hopes to revive her brand with a reality show. But, shocker, none of her rich friends want to be on something so mundane. [Page Six]
  
  
• We always thought only the coastal dwellers enjoy Mad Men, but maybe we're wrong: actress January Jones attended a NASCAR event in Kansas last weekend. But, then again, maybe the car racing fans just like a pretty blond. [Just Jared]
  
  
• The man accused of stalking and peeping on ESPN reporter Erin Andrews allegedly videotaped other women. Why are we not surprised? [NY Post]">People]

Life & Style
"Slim Down Super Fast."
Did you know that if you dance all day instead of working at a desk, you can lose weight? Kelly Osbourne says now that she's on Dancing With The Stars: "I do five hours of rehearsals a day — sometimes even six." Debi Mazar says: "I've lost 11 pounds, and I've noticed my body toning in weird areas — my bra bulge is gone." This six-page extravaganza of peeps who lost weight dancing includes Mya — who was "soft" but is now "toned"; Kathy Ireland, who was "full-figured" but is now "foxy" and model Joanna Krupa, who was "thin" and is now "athletic." Moving on: In a poll titled "Who'd You Want To Be Frisked By?" Jon Hamm wins with 42%! (See image 7). The "cutest Jolie-Pitt pics ever" involve Shiloh buying snacks and making faces. "Perpetually single" Jennifer Aniston found herself in a "sticky situation" because Brad Pitt, John Mayer and Gerard Butler were ALL in New York City AT THE SAME TIME. Imagine that: Being on the same island with all of your exes! And 1.4 million other people! According to handy map provided, John Mayer was downtown in his apartment; Brad was uptown at the Essex House and Gerard ate at a restaurant in Tribeca. DRAMZ. Lastly: "Real" "Housewife" Kim Zolciak would like for America to know that she has never been a stripper: "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man," she says. "If I'd been a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?" About her hair, she says: "I have great hair. It's shoulder-length, and it's the same color as most of my wigs. I have naturally black hair, but I bleach it."
Grade: F (runaway bride/missing groom)

In Touch
"I'm Going To Be A Mom."
What she means is: Someday. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey granted the mag an interview, and when asked if they want a family, she said: "Definitely." He said: "It's at the forefront of our minds. We're very close, but we want to enjoy our first year together." Nick also says that they'd like two kids but "we want to make sure we're ready when the time comes." Mariah has been staying fit by jumping on a trampoline, but she says she wouldn't mind gaining baby weight. "I'd be fine with it," she claims. Oh, and they ask her about turning 40: "Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long." She goes on to explain that she thought she'd die young, like Marilyn Monroe. Oh, Nick says of Eminem: "I don't respect him as a man… He and I need to have an old-school sit down." Moving on: Alongside blurry pictures of the Kardashian wedding, there's news that Lamar Odom's ex, Liza, was so upset about the nuptials that she tossed out thousands of dollars of his possessions from the NY apartment they had shared with their two kids. His kids did not attend the wedding. Neither did Khloe's stepbrother, Brody Jenner, whose girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, is suing Joe Francis, who is BFF with the groom. Next: Jon Gosselin's lawyer spoke to the mag about why Jon delayed the divorce and the guy says: "A divorce, especially for a woman with 8 children, is a very very traumatic thing. But as the mother of his children, [Jon] doesn't want her to have a nervous breakdown." To "win" fans back, Jon and Kate may appear together on Oprah, where they can iron out their differences on national TV. Oh, and a source says Hailey Glassman's parents want her to stay away from Jon. Next: Brad Pitt and Angelina are "purposely" being seen apart in public so that IF they decide to separate, it will come as less of a shock. "They plan to play up the fact that they never really defined their relationship in traditional terms," says a "friend." "They will say when they met, they were on the same page about having children, but neither wanted a life-long partner." Um, okay. He went alone to the Clinton Global Initiative not because she was home with the kids, but because he was making a point about being seen alone. Says a source. Also inside: Britney Spears has reunited with Jason Trawick; they went to a candy store with her kids. He is still her agent, he just can't be in a high-profile relationship right now, an insider says. Lastly: This mag calls out Us magazine for printing a cover story about Jessica Simpson spiraling out of control and finding solace in booze after the disappearance of her dog, Daisy. A friend says: "Of course she's sad about Daisy… but it's so blown out of proportion. She's not drinking excessively."
Grade: D (shitty wedding DJ)

Ok!
"My Dream Wedding."
Khloe sold her wedding snaps to Ok!, and they printed 13 pages of Kardashian pictures and info. How anyone could possibly care is a mystery. Margaret says the most notable thing about the story is that the ceremony was done so quickly that all of the bridesmaids' dresses don't fit properly, and the groom's pants need hemming. (See image 8 and image 9). Kim, whose dress is totally straining and pulling, says: "I was freaking out because I had mine tailored really tight. There was some crazy working out and taking Quick Trim to try and get in shape." Vera Wang is a friend of the Kardashians, and custom-made the bride's dress. Khloe says: "If Vera didn't think our marriage would last, she wouldn't have done it." Next week: Reception photos! Moving on: A source says Brad told Angie that if she got up to 115 pounds by November, he'd "move forward" with child number 7. The story reads: "Angie's been noshing on crepes, omelets. pasta and garlic bread, all prepared lovingly by her partner." A source says: "It's not like Brad's force-feeding her. But he's trying to steer her in the right direction." Kevin Federline wants to lose weight before he joins Celebrity Fit Club. Apparently he blames stress from his unstable custody situation and "Jamie Spears' spicy grilled meats" for his heavy physique. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston had dinner at Monkey Bar in NYC; John Mayer had dinner at Gemma — but pals say he wanted to be sharing a table for two with Jen. "He's been trying to get back into her life," says a friend. "He begged Jen to let him join her on her upcoming trip to Cabo."
Grade: D+ (fallen/broken wedding cake)

Us
"it's Over!"
About a month ago, Justin Timberlake told friends "it's over" with Jessica Biel. He's over it; she's too much to deal with. Except they're always off and on. Anyway, she refuses to accept it, and is pretending nothing's wrong, because "she needs him emotionally and for her career." Says a "pal." But after the VMAs, Justin was "clearly on the hunt." Lindsay Lohan has claimed that she hooked up with Justin several times while he was with Jess, and in June, she Twittered something about him being a cheater. She claimed she'd been hacked, because Justin told his network of people to ban Lindsay and make her life miserable. Apparently when Justin was first getting together with Jess, he visited her on the set of a movie she was making, but wore disguises — beards and hats — so as not to be recognized. JT's cheating rumors include Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan and Ciara, though a source says of Lindsay: "Her record of truthfulness is not awesome." The good thing about the "Celebrity Arms Race" is that everybody wins. The bad part? Michelle Obama is a "celebrity." (See image 10). On the "Are They Too Young?" page, we learn that 85% of people think it's okay for a four-year-old to wear a bikini; 48% think a four-year-old is not too young to have a manicure. 76% think Suri is too young to wear heels. (See image 11). Lastly: Raise your hand if you wish you could go inside the Gossip Girl closet!!! (See image 12)
Grade: C- (terrible weather for outdoor ceremony)

Star
"It's On!"
Justin is "pressing" Rihanna to plan another hookup. (They tried to keep their VMA hookup a secret, but Jessica found out within days.) An insider claims: "They like excitement of sneaking around… They got off on keeping it on the down-low." Once, they were alone in the studio late at night working on RiRi's new album, and Justin was joking about strippers — he said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance. "She likes to test the boundaries," says a source. But! RiRi doesn't want to be seen as a boyfriend stealer. She wants it to be publicly out there that JT is single before she commits to him. Anyway, they've been talking and texting, but Rihanna wants to be sure she's not a "lady on the side." Just an FYI on those "exclusive photos": One shows the side of her head and the back of his head; the other shows the back of both of their heads, standing near each other in a crowded club. Not exiting. Moving on: Blind item! "Which singer has rebounded after splitting from his wife by secretly bedding his sexy twenty-something assistant? And no, it's not the one he's been photographed with." Our guess: Usher. Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds in the first seven days after her son Sparrow was born — "and she keeps getting thinner." Wait, are they including the actual infant in those 14 pounds? Anyway: Her secret is "lots of fruit, veggies and fish" and no carbs. The mag says people are "shocked" by her weight. Jennifer Love Hewitt is "scary-skinny." An eyewitness saw her in L.A. and said she looked "frail and drawn" and her face was "achingly thin." Could it be that she's lost her appetite due to love troubles? Lastly: Ashlee Simpson has a crush on her Melrose costar, Colin Egglesfield. They were getting touchy-feely between scenes on September 23 — while Pete Wentz was on tour in Dallas. Ashlee was hugging him and holding his hand and "doing the whole hair flip thing," a spy reveals.
Grade: C (stained bridal gown)

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• Two shitheads allegedly tried exhort $25 million from John Travolta after his son Jett's death. If he didn't pay, they would release the 16-year's medical documents. Well, now they're on trial and poor Travolta had to testify about the 40 minutes he spent trying to save his son's life. He also admitted, finally, that his son was autistic, something he had never said before. [LA Times]
  
  
• Art imitated life for Jennifer Aniston during filming of The Bounty. A source claims that an assistant walked in on Aniston crying after filming a scene that reminded her of long-lost Brad Pitt. [Page Six]
  
  
• Conservative darling and failed beauty queen Carrie Prejean's really, really trying to hold onto those 15-minutes: she's modeling slutty Halloween costume. [TMZ]
  
  
• Ellen Pompeo had a baby. And it's a girl named Stella. [WaPo]
  
  
• Samantha Burke squeezed out Jude Law's baby a week early. We guess she wanted to get that sweet, sweet tabloid money sooner, rather than later. [Times Online]
  
  
• Lily Allen realized no one wants to buy her records anymore, so she's quit music forever. [Perez]
  
  
• Real Housewives of New York troublemaker Kelly Bensimon succeeded once again in grabbing some ink by posing in Playboy. But, like a wuss, she won't be showing her puss. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer makes her prince boyfriend carry her purse in silence. [Page Six]
  
  
• Not content to design just dresses, Zac Posen now wants to design an apartment building. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chynna Phillips says she fell into a 10-day depression after learning that her father John had been having a long-term affair with her half-sister, Mackenzie Phillips. She was not, however, surprised. [NYDN]

Ok!
"Pregnant At 40!"
Notice how the words "it's a bump!" appear on the cover, but it doesn't actually say "baby bump," because that might be a lie? And though the main cover line is "Pregnant at 40," below that, the deck insinuates that she's ready to be pregnant at 40. Inside, we learn that Jennifer Aniston went to the premiere of Love Happens and an onlooker says, "Her midsection was definitely more rounded than usual… At one point she was running her hands across her stomach." Later in the article, a source says that if Jennifer's not pregnant now, she will be in the very near future, because she's "set her heart" on getting pregnant before her 41st birthday. Moving on: The magazine "invites" readers to the wedding of Khloe Kardasian and Lamar Odom, but writes: "See next week's issue for the exclusive photos and interview." So it's not really an invitation, is it. Also: The story goes, "While Kourtney is due to give birth to her first child in December, it looks like Khloe will be the first to become a mom." That's because Lamar has two kids. Even though Khloe has known Lamar (and his kids) for less than a month, a source says "She's a great stepmom already."
Grade: [Academic probation continues]

Life & Style
The cover picture is from when Khloe was on Celebrity Apprentice in March. Inside, we learn that Khloe and her mother planned a wedding in 2 weeks, and Khloe and Lamar both lost a parent to cancer. Moving on: Katherine Heigl's new adopted Korean baby has "special needs," but we don't know what her special needs are. Next: Will weight gain destroy Renée Zellweger's relationship? She's getting cozy with Bradley Cooper, but now she has to pack on pounds for the Bridget Jones sequel. The mag says: "Now… she has a man she wants to stay in shape for." Next, there are more shots of Jennifer Aniston's tummy, and her hand on her tummy (See image 7). Margaret thinks it is a conspiracy, cooked up by Jen herself, to get people talking. In The Baster, Jen plays a woman who opts for artificial insemination to have a baby; when asked if that's in the cards for her, Jen said: "I'm ready for anything — bring it on!" So the magazine presents a sidebar called "Who Will She Ask?" Meaning: For sperm. The nominees are Gerard Butler, Jen's hairstylist, and John Mayer. Lastly: There are cliques on the set of the Twilight flick! Kellan Lutz, who plays vampire Emmet Cullen, says: "All of the humans usually stick together. And all the wolves do. And the vampires. We try to mix it up, but it's just something that happens."
Grade: D- ("I'm Lovin' It")

In Touch
"Brad's Moving Out."
This entire story is based on Brad flying to Spain for the San Sebastian International Film Festival. It only lasts a week, but the mag says "Brad has been living out of a suitcase for more than a week." Angie supposedly kicked him out if the house and said this time it's for good, because he didn't want to go with her to Ethiopia. He's been looking at apartments in Paris… which is 500 miles away from where his kids live, Chateau Mirval. Jessica Simpson "can't handle" another loss. A concerned friend says she's not eating or sleeping and is "barely functioning" since Daisy disappeared. The friend adds: "It's the worst thing that ever happened to her." The mag continues: "Jessica's pooch has been loyal to her in a way that no man has ever been." Next: "Is Jon A Sex Addict? His Women Speak Out." Jon Gosselin's rep says he's "flattered" that women claim to have been with him, but he's only been with one woman: Hailey. Stephanie Santoro says Jon is not shy about picking up strangers: If his friends spot a good-looking girl, he asks them for a picture of their breasts. Dr. Judy Kuransky, who does not treat Jon, thinks he is a sex addict. A friend of Kate Gosselin's says Jon has turned into a male slut. Someone else says that Stephanie and Jon had sex in the basement of Jon's house while a friend watched, and it was Jon's idea. Kate Major says one time her father called her while she was with Jon and Jon said, "Did you tell your dad he's going to be a stepgrandfather to 8 kids?" Moving along: The real reason Avril Lavigne is separating from Deryck Whibley? She's having a relationship with Brandon Davis. Last year Deryck texted Brandon: Stay away from my wife. But recently, Brandon gave Avril an ultimatum; he likes her but doesn't want to date a married woman. Then there's a six page thing called "Celebrity Weight Debate: How Thin Is Too Thin?" 100% of readers think Posh is "scary skinny." 71% of readers think Lindsay looks "unhealthy." And so on. Finally: Friends want Kanye West to go to rehab. A group of his pals confronted him in an "informal intervention" because he was chugging Hennessy on the red carpet before the MTV Awards. "They fear he's going to destroy his career if he continues to act like a fool." The only source in this story is an employee at a hotel in Hawaii where Kanye has stayed, who says: "He hangs out at the Veranda bar and drinks expensive liquor." And who wouldn't? There's a sidebar about how much he's changed since his mother died — now he hangs with a "wild crowd" which includes — gasp! — Amber Rose, who "used to be a stripper, has posed nude and has dated women, too."
Grade: C, downgraded to D for ridiculous cover story ("Like I Love You")

Us
"Heartbreak And A New Tragedy."
Since Daisy's disappearance, Jessica Simpson has been distraught. A witness saw Jess at a birthday dinner on September 19 and says: "She looked really down and didn't eat much." The mag adds: "Drinking wine and sangria was not a problem, especially when the music of her ex-boyfriend, John Mayer, started blasting throughout the Italian wine bar." A source says: "Daisy was her baby. She's devastated… She isn't sleeping, barely eating, and is crying her eyes out. She feels like she's being punished for something. Jessica is very spiritual and relates things back to God." Next: Emmy Rossum, 23, is dating Adam Duritz, 45. He Tweeted: "She's the coolest chick I've ever met." We bet! In Brad and Angelina news: Even though there were tabloid reports that the twins, Knox and Vivienne, had health issues, which is why they were never seen, a source says "They're perfectly healthy." There are four pages of Kourtney Kardashian explaining why she's with her ex, who sperminated her, in "Why I Took Scott Back." When asked what do you love about Kourtney? Scott replied: "I think she's gorgeous. I think her body's perfect. And there is no one in the world I care more about making happy." Translation: She's hot and I knocked her up. Chynna Phillips, whose half sister Mackenzie has just dropped the bomb that she had sex with their father, says: "After long nights of heroin use, she's claiming that she once woke up and that my father was on top of her having sex with her. Was he actually raping her? I don't know. Do I believe that they had an incestuous relationship and it went on for 10 years? Yes." Also inside, in Gosselin news, a source says that Judy, the kids' main nanny, might as well be their mother: "She spends more time with them than anyone." Lastly: Dustin Diamond's tell-all spills juicy secrets about the Saved By The Bell cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar took steroids; castmembers hooked up after the cameras stopped rolling; Mario Lopez was once investigated for date rape.
Grade: D+ ("Señorita")

Star
"Reliving Their Nightmare"
John Travolta is going to be called as a witness in his extortion case in the Bahamas, which will make him "relive his nightmare." A friend says: "It's like Jett is dying all over again." Angie and Brad have had "their biggest blow up ever!" When Angie was in Ethiopia with Shiloh and Zahara, she met an Ethiopian girl in an orphanage she wanted to adopt — even her daughters met this girl and hugged her as they were leaving. Brad doesn't want to adopt again so soon, and he accused Angie of being "like a kid in the pet store, wanting all the cute puppies." She screamed at him that these weren't dogs — these were children. The mag claims that Angie's already started the paperwork and things are going forward. Moving on: Kelis and Nas are back together! They reunited after spending quality time with their 2-month-old son and had a long talk about making it work. Next: Pamela Anderson is a "dead beat diva." She's had a number of liens filed against her, totally more than $1.2 million. She hired a bunch of contractors to work on her house in Malibu and is now refusing to pay. You know how David Hasslehoff went to the hospital last week? The mag claims it was from alcohol poisoning. His daughter Hayley found him half-conscious; but he denies that he was drunk and says his ear medication mixed with his anti-alcoholic drugs caused the problem. Still: Hayley rolled her eyes when she heard that excuse and he allegedly had alcohol on his breath and a glass of vodka near him when she found him. A surgeon who does not treat Courtney Love says "she's definitely had work on her eyes, cheeks, chin and lips." Duh! (See image 6). Robert Pattinson is "tired of his sex symbol image," so he stuck a picture of himself on a dartboard in his trailer. He takes shot at it, and asks everyone else to do the same. And! Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart made out in the dressing room of a store in Toronto — they came out "mussed up and breathing heavily." Blind item! "Which actor refused to take pictures at the premiere of Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs because he thought he was too sweaty? Hyperhidrosis or hyperdiva?" Hailey Glassman got a boob job! Another magazine said she had surgery for a cyst in her leg; but this mag says she got the "lollipop lift" that makes one breast smaller and lifts them both. A "friend" says Hailey confided: "I feel like I need to compete with all the other perfect girls going after Jon." Hailey would also like to straighten her hair and get "whiter, bigger" teeth. Jon will get lipo on his pot belly. Finally: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are experiencing "trouble in paradise." Justin went to an MTV VMA afterparty where Rihanna sat on his lap and they grinded; then he freaked when someone took a picture. A source says of Justin and Rihanna: "He's been sweating her for a long time… Rihanna thinks he's hot and would definitely date him." Justin and Jess were spotted walking their dogs on September 16 but weren't holding hands or speaking to each other and Jess looked miserable. A few days later, Justin went to the Emmys alone, and flirted with Olivia Wilde.
Grade: C- ("SexyBack")

• Robert Pattinson's going out partying in Vancouver with Kristen Stewart. So, all you crazy, insane teenage stalkers, get your Canadian visas ready, go forth, and when you're deported for being fucked up and insane Robert Pattinson stalkers, at least pocket some of that BC Kush on your way home for me. I did, after all, tell you where he was. [Ed. Okay, no, but really: the Showbiz Spy item was about a "low-key" party in Vancouver. The title of the Showbiz Spy item was about Pattinson "partying hard" in Vancouver. You know why Robert Pattinson gets written about at all on the internet? Because teenagers use Google, and SEO Sandwich Making Magic is wonderful. Robert Pattinson could take a shit and I'd get at least 12,000 hits about it. Actually, probably far more than that, because we have yet to breach the fourth dimension where we report on Robert Pattison's bowel movements, which, yes, his fucked-up bloodthirsty teenage fans would be interested to know. To Mr. Pattinson, I suggest you eat as many segmented vegetables in the following months as you can. Specifically, anything that would go in a hearty winter soup.] [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Michael Jackson didn't like Pepsi. No shit. As the sole proprietor of Jackson's only assassination attempt, I wouldn't expect Jackson to be anything but a Coke fan, either. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy saw Mike Myers at a basketball court in New York and was like, hey, you're Dr. Evil. Which, well: yes. Correct. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chelsea Handler and her network exec boyfriend are still very much together. They were spotted in Atlantic City—Atlantic City?!—being together. Why, of all places?....Jesus. [NYP]
  
  
• Erin Lucas from The City and Leven "Sister of Mary" Rambin (from Days of Our Lives or whatever shitty soap she's doing these days) went out to Goldbar and saw cameras and Kelly Cutrone and freaked out and ran away. Cutrone, who's hysterical and awesome, had this to say to Page Six: "I think people were partying too hard to pay attention, because those cameras weren't there for me." Which basically translates to "If those bitches weren't so coked up they would've realized that I was just there to get a drink, sans TV crew." [Page Six]
  
  
• Lukas Haas and Miranda Kerr were dancing for an entire night at the Jane Hotel while the dude from Kings of Leon kept staring at them, and oh yeah, she's supposed to be dating Orlando Bloom, whoops. [Page Six[
  
  
• Amy Winehouse got her teeth fixed because in the great tradition of British Teeth, they were sincerely fucked up. Of course, they gave her really strong drugs to deal with the pain, so while she might have nice teeth, now, she's still very much a crackhead, this time, with a doctor's endorsement. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• One of those Real Creatures from Dirty Jersey, Danielle Staub, told Jennifer Aniston not to judge New Jersey and make jokes about it smelling, which she did on Chelsea Handler's show the other night. Honestly, though, most people from New Jersey know that New Jersey smells. But it's like a bog out of which emerges wonderful creatures like Bruce Springsteen, Danny DeVito, and seminal emo bands like Saves The Day, who actually have a song about the smell of New Jersey reminding them of their mediocre lives. If anything, Staub can't smell New Jersey because she's had her nose buried in something—the shit? Blow?—for far too long. [US]
  
  
• Ouch, Ashley Dupré: you got sold down the river for Tommy "Agent Nilla" Hilfiger by Russell Simmons. Simmons was going to take Dupré to Hilfigah's party and Tommy dis-invited her. Simmons, who's not famous for anything other than once inventing Def Jam and nowadays, doing yoga and possibly young men, dis-invited Dupré to the party. But really: who wants to a Tommy Hilfiger party? Oh. Wait. It was at the Jane Hotel. Well, Dupré: sucks! [Page Six]
  
  
• Broadway gossip: Chris Rock was supposed to be in David Mamet's new play, Race, but the word being preemptively put out on the street is that his schedule had too many conflicts. Which, note smirky husband and wife gossip duo Rush & Molloy, is not at all about his wife hating Kerry Washington, or trying to deal with the threat of Kerry Washington on her mans. Not at all. Meanwhile, Chris "Smack Her With The Dick" Rock has a new book coming out, and it's probably pretty good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh oh. As cool as Jay-Z kept his shit when Lil Mama burst on stage with him and Alicia Keys at the end of the VMAs, he apparently freaked out when he got backstage, screaming at producers about security. I like that Jay-Z's biggest security threat these days is now Lil' "Lip Gloss" Mama. My, rap community, how times have changed. "He went ballistic. He was screaming at the MTV producers about the lack of security. He apparently thought at first she was just a fan. Beyoncé finally calmed him down." [NYDN]
  
  
• Same R & M item: did you know Warren Buffet drinks five cans of Cherry Coke a day? I'll be attempting to do this over the course of the day in order to make more money than I did yesterday. By drinking ten. We'll check in on me around 4PM, when I'm out cold from the meanest sugar high crash ever. [NYDN]
  
  
• Celebrities doing nice things: Sienna Miller apparently did really, really well in her first day on the job, not only impressing theatergoers, but greeting her fans outside the theater to sign programs and be generally nice. [NYDN]

• Hey, you know Tinsley Mortimer? She's a socialite's everywhere, especially after divorcing her husband? Well, she may soon be even more ubiquitous, because rumors has it Ms. Tinsley's filming a reality show. [Page Six]
  
  
• Welcome to the fame game, Melanie Oudin. The tennis player became a mini star during the U.S. Open, which now means her family's dirty laundry — like her mom's alleged affair with Oudin's coach — will be aired for all the world. [NYDN]
  Hip NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants Shakira and Lady Gaga to win big at this Sunday's VMAs. He's so cute. [MTV]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were seen kissing and hugging and laughing and loving over dinner this week, after they finished shooting their film The Bounty. Will Butler be Aniston's next heartbreak? [Page Six]
  
  
• American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi is absolutely thrilled producers made the "brilliant choice" and hired Ellen, because now she's not the new judge. Feel the love? [ET]
  
  
• A judge tossed out a plagiarism lawsuit against Jessica Seinfeld, who was accused of lifting culinary text from Missy Chase Lapine's cookbook. Lapine's defamation suit against Jerry Seinfeld, however, remains open. Seinfeld, in case you missed it, made funny of Lapine's name on The Late Show and reminded the world that some assassins, like Lee Harvey Oswald, have three names. Um... [CNN]
  
  
• Here's something interesting: football player Shawne Merriman allegedly choked Tila Tequila because she wouldn't jump into a threesome. [10News]
  
  
• We've always loved Ed Norton. But now we love him even more because he's training for the NYC marathon. [CNN]
  
  
• Adam Levine, the attractive but annoying Maroon 5 singer, is now hopping around the world — and in bed — with model Angela Bellotte. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Sugababe singer Amelle Berrabah went "missing" for a few days and her parents thought she had been kidnapped, so they called the police. It turns Berrabah was simply being a drama queen after a fight with a band mate. Oops! [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Hudon's sister, whose son was murdered last year, is with child. [Star]
  
  
• La Toya Jackson's interview with Barbara Walters airs this weekend. So, what can we expect? A whole lotta crazy, like this rumination on Michael Jackson: "He wasn't God, but he was certainly God-like. He was the closest thing to a God that I knew." [AP]

The five newly revealed scenes from Aniston's new filmLove Happens show the famed actress standing erect during shooting, moving her lips and forcing muted sounds to emit from within her body. But other than these basic motions, Aniston shows few signs of actually being alive during the shooting of this film.

On close study of the clips, her emotional range can be seen tilting from "slightly bummed" to "kinda okay" — a range often studied in hibernating creatures in the wild. Slumbering bears, for instance, will often terrify hikers who stumble across them into believing they are actually awake when they raise one corner of their mouth and tilt their heads back and forth in a "yeah, kinda" motion.

Fears that she might actually be dead while making this film rather than merely asleep were put to rest when careful study of at the second clip revealed a moment of "pissed off" emotion — a feeling considered far beyond the capacity of most human corpses.

• Gwyneth Paltrow's cup runneth over during a security check in Barcelona. Translation: he tits were popping out like something awful. [The Sun]
  
  
• Sorry, world, but Megan Fox insists she'll never have a sex tape. Not one that you'll see, at least, which we find kind of surprising. [Us]
  
  
• An Italian reporter stripped down and begged George Clooney for a kiss. He was rebuffed. [E!]
  
  
• It will please you all to know that Jennifer Aniston still believes in love. Whether the elusive emotion still believes in her remains to be seen. [NYDN]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will offer a tribute to her late brother at MTV's VMA awards. Sources say she's not only looking to honor Michael's memory, but also to make the world forget her Superbowl nip slip. [MSNBC]
  
  
• You know how conservatives are always crying, "Think of the children?" Well that's exactly what CNN Airport network did when they banned a PeTA advert in which Pamela Anderson strips passengers of their cruel, animal haberdashery. Said the network to PeTA, "[we're] particularly sensitive because children make up part of the demographic in airports." [Page Six]
  
  
• Shawne Merriman's ex-girlfriend joined his side in the Tila Tequila domestic violence battle. The woman, Gloria Velez, insists Merriman never laid a hand on her. [TMZ]
  
  
• Chris Robinson, the Black Crowes singer best known for once marrying Kate Hudson, has impregnated another, far less famous woman. [Star]
  place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Hudson's wearing a diamond ring, which has some people wondering if she'll marry A-Rod, but we think it will never happen, because, you know, it just won't. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, the Dolce and Gabbana flack accused of hacking into interior designer Nina Freudenberger's voicemail, has the strong support of her former boyfriend, hotelist Jason Pomeranc. He calls her a "great girl" and insists the alleged crime was nothing but "playful." Aren't ex-boyfriends the best?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bet.com's former executive editor, Andreas Hale has loads to say about his former employers, and is currently taking on "the unprofessionalism, the tomfoolery, the favors, the misappropriation of resources, the bad ideas that reinforce negative stereotypes" that run rampant across the site's team. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy are getting along swimmingly and even finding time to dine with Kevin Federline. Can you believe we just wrote that without puking all over the place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aww! Sexually ambigious singer Mika invited all of his Twitter friends to a bar to get trashed and then he paid the £25,000 tab. [The Sun]

• The best part about this Page Six item regarding Jennifer Aniston's fears and apprehensions over Gerard Butler completely forgetting who she is now that they're done shooting their film? When they refer to Butler's dog as a "pug of war." I want a "pug of war." Also, the way the tabloids have gone from writing about Jennifer Aniston in the mean ha-ha way to writing about Aniston in the "oh, god, her love life is such a mess we almost feel bad" way is almost worse, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well, Page Six pulled one of the better, more hysterical Scott Rudin stories I've ever heard. LOL-worthy stuff, this is:

  "As we sped along the expressway, Scott's phone buzzed," writes Rudnick. "He answered it, and his face became a mask of rage. He yelled, 'How did you get this number?' and hurled the phone at the windshield. 'Who was it?' I asked. 'My mother,' he replied, instantly calm."

  My feelings exactly. Scott Rudin's just a tortured Jewish kid, get it? [Page Six]
  
  

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart hate the paparazzi. Like, hate them. The paps are holding Pats and K-Stew prisoner in their lives. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart finally admits that she understands the formula making Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series so resonate amongst hypnotized teenagers: Vampires are sexy. Yes, and also, blood-sucking, money-sucking, and sleazy. Can we start the anti-vampire movement, here? Not the we-hate-vampires thing in True Blood, but more like the Vampires Suck Categorically More Than They Do, Literally movement. We should just move on to robots, or something equally ridiculous. Please. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Chris Brown is going to, uh, have dance parties to repent for his bout of domestic violence? He can maybe invent a new dance, something like the Soulja Boy, but far slicker. You know how the moonwalk makes someone look like they're not really moving? Chris Brown can do that, except instead of taking him off the stage, he could slide into obscurity incredibly smoothly. [NYDN]
  
  
• How can LeAnn Rimes live without you, or her ex? Pretty easily, apparently. She misspelled the name of her ex on an annoucement to her fans on her website. FAIL. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winhouse may or may not be back with Blake, the crackhead ex-husband with whom she shares an intensely sadomasochistic relationship with. This is the kind of thing that could produce a great Winehouse album, which I'm convinced she still has in her. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rumer Willis wants a family reunion on screen with Demi, Bruce, and herself. Sure, whatever, just leave Koosher out of it. Also, this could make a great final chapter in the Die Hard franchise. [People]
  
  
• The Hanson bros are basically like, the Jonas Bros jacked out act. TRUTH. [TMZ]
  
  
• Audrina Patridge, the salutatorian of The Hills, is gearing up for her own "spicier, edgier, older" television show after "graduating" from The Hills. I wonder what that commencement speech sounds like. [People]
  
  
• Michaela Watkins: fired from SNL. EW gets the first interview where she admits that she doesn't know what Lorne Michaels was thinking, but he did tell her that she deserves her own show. Which, yes, is probably what he says to everyone when he cans them. Including his support staff. [EW]
  
  
• Ashlee Simpson, whose name I hate spelling out because it makes me feel like I've been netted in a wide conspiracy to make the universe far stupider than it was two minutes ago, tells Rachel Ray that she could "do the splits" when she was preggers. And how, exactly, did she know this? [US]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's grandmother fell in the driveway of the Gosselin complex and had to be taken to the hospital. [People]

And for those who made it to the bottom today, a treat: I've found this so called Pug of War. It is wonderful:

If this is what Gerard Butler has, then yes, I absolutely want one. Also, if I were Aniston, yes, I'd be worried.

The picture is of costar (and rumored gentleman caller) Gerard Butler throwing her in the trunk of the car for a scene in their new movie The Bounty. It is not about a serial killer. It is a comedy.

What is no laughing matter is, if you look really close, it looks like, well, Jen is smiling at the camera...and her face isn't visible. Like a color commentator for the celebrity set, we have circled and blown up the offending area. While we're no experts in these matters (we were initially distracted from her womanhood by Butler's ass in the bent over position) it looks like we're getting the whole kit and caboodle. This has got to be the first time we've gotten into an actress' personal space getting into a car rather than out of one.

Rupert, we thought you were running a family newspaper!

Update: Whatever it is in that picture, the New York Post seems to regret running it in its pages. For the web version of the story, they've used a crotch-less shot of Aniston.

Because we know you'll want to do your own forensic analysis, here's the actual pic. Click to enlarge; we know you will.

Image via Splash.

Ok!
"How I Lost 41 Lbs Without Surgery!"
As you may know — because The View has been covering it extensively — Sherri Shepherd was on a diet and fitness plan. The only way that this story is different from the usual celebrity diet story is there's a picture with tuna on a salad as a lunch suggestion, instead of chicken. Also, Sherri doesn't want to get a breast reduction, because those are the boobs God gave her. Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart cuddled at a Kings Of Leon concert and — "while the band played 'Sex On Fire' — sucked serious face." Lindsay Lohan was being considered for a movie version of the novel Undiscovered Gyrl, but the author says that LL's fame and baggage would work against her. The book is about a teen blogging about her sexual coming-of-age, and Miley Cyrus is interested, but the author thinks Miley is too wholesome. Lastly: "Jen Tells Renée: You Can Have Bradley." Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper were both seeing other people when they went on their date; Jen is bored the whole thing and is fine with Bradley dating Renée. "She's less interested in Renée than in why she'd choose a guy who'd be interested in someone like Renée. She's disappointed in herself more than anything…"
Grade: F (mystery meat with freezer burn)

Star
"Celebs Who Beat Cellulite!" BREAKING: Cellulite happens. And it's fun for some mags to ignore the big picture and just pick apart a woman's anatomy! Still our LEAST favorite kind of cover story, and we've bared our dimpled asses for the world to see! Uma Thurman had "lymphatic drainage massage." Britney Spears ate turkey burgers and worked out. Jennifer Love Hewitt started working out four to five times a week. Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham increased their workout frequencies; Amanda Bynes no longer eats pizza at midnight. And so forth. Then there is the section called "Cellu-Losers," with the subhead "Don't Give Up, Girls!" where the magazine had to try really really hard to find cellulite on Tara Reid, Kristin Cavallari and Annalynne McCord. There are no men in this eight-page extravaganza, by the by. Moving on: Jamie-Lynn Spears and Gwyneth Paltrow were both spotted not wearing marriage/engagement rings. Report them to the relationship cops! Lookee: High school yearbook photos (Fig. 1). Blind item! "Which comedian's not-so-funny sexual comments caused his costar to walk off the set of their upcoming film? The crew found it hysterical, but the target had to be begged to come back." Justin Ross Lee, the "Facebook celebrity" who photographed Ashley Olsen while she was on a plane, recently shared a five-hour flight from LA to NYC with Brad Pitt, and snapped pix of the actor sleeping and eating, then sold them to Star. Kourtney Kardashian's family wants her to dump baby daddy Scott Disick, who has cheated on her in the past. They broke off their engagement because he wouldn't stop flirting with other women. KK thinks the pregnancy is great for raising her profile and wants to open a children's clothing store in L.A. and design a maternity line. Re: Kate Gosselin and the cops: Apparently Cara And Mady saw Jon Gosselin getting touchy-feely with the babysitter, Stephanie Santoro, and freaked out and called their mom. A source says that Stephanie is the one who called the cops. The mag includes an interview with Stephanie's former boyfriend, who says she has a thing for married men and got pregnant by a guy she was working for. Lastly: An inspired Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart headline: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart."
Grade: D- (frozen peas)

In Touch:
"The Fight To End All Fights."
Trouble in paradise for Tom and Katie! Tom Cruise went to visit Katie Holmes while she was filming in Australia. First they argued because he stopped to greet fans on his way to see her; she flipped out and he stormed off the set. The next fight was at their hotel, where Tom was watching Suri and she wanted to watch cartoons instead of going for a walk with him. He thinks Katie is spoiling Suri because she works long hours and by the time she comes home, she's tired and just lets Suri do whatever she wants. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat Tom or Katie, says: Suri is learning that relationships between men and women involve squabbling. And that Katie was "lost in lust" during the courtship, but now they're both surprised/disappointed by one another's behavior. And! Tom and Katie need therapy. Moving on: Britney is "once again displaying dangerous mood swings" since she had a "crazed" 15-minute shopping spree where her eyes were "glassy." Why is Brad Pitt drinking so much? He was smashed at the premiere of The Time Traveler's Wife, which he produced. Angelina refused to go to the premiere because Brad bought it as a vehicle for himself and then-wife Jennifer Aniston, and Jen called to wish him luck before the premiere, which made Angie "hit the roof." An insider says Brad is having a "sort of mid life crisis" since he joked recently, "I'm just a drunk." Next: "Have These Stars Had Boob Jobs?" is a closer look at the chests of Jennifer Aniston, Anna Faris, Drew Barrymore, Brooke Hogan, Leona Lewis, Haylie Duff and Ciara.
Grade: D (half-melted Creamsicles)

Us
"Why He Chose Renée"
So. Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger: "It's on," says a source. This article was written by someone on Team Renée, because it is very derogatory towards Jennifer Aniston. A source says Jen feels "rejected and upset" and "screwed over" and "doesn't see what Renée has that she doesn't." But! Another source points out that guys like Renée because she is "so no-drama," "she just does her thing, has her life, and is cool." Also: "She's really happy, she doesn't need anyone to feel complete. She isn't absorbed by Hollywood." Whereas Jennifer "won't date a normal guy. She goes after the hottest thing of the moment - -what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight." And! Bradley Cooper once said, when it comes to a woman: "I'd say authenticity is the only prerequisite." Apparently Jennifer Aniston is "not natural" and everything she does "is an act." Renée is "super fun" and is always "laughing and optimistic about life." And! "People want to be with her because she makes them happy." Moving along: Michelle Trachtenberg and Jason Segel: Spotted "all over each other." Kate Gosselin was at a hotel with her bodyguard and they signed in as "The Michaels." So the speculation is that there's something going on there and she's been hiding it. Also, Jon thinks she's less than truthful about finances.
Grade: D+ (Fla-Vor-Ice)

Life & Style
"He's A Dirtbag." In an interview, Kate Major says that she and Jon Gosselin had three sexual encounters. "He was a great kisser, " she says. "It was amazing…" At some point they kissed in a car and Jon asked her what she thought it would be like if they slept together. She says: "We kissed, we hugged, we held hands, he'd hold me when we were asleep. I have nothing bad to say about him intimacy-wise. But I will say he likes to play." Then on July 29 he dumped her and said he was going to stay with Hailey Glassman. Kate says: "He totally screwed me over and acted like a dirtbag." And! "Looking back now it was all pretty much sexual and that's all he had in mind." YOU THINK? The mag has a headline: "He Treats Women Like Servants — And Takes Them For Fast Food." That's because Kate Major had to pick up his dry cleaning and like McDonald's for breakfast. KM says she resigned from her job at Star because he told her he'd hire her as a personal assistant. He said he was going to Massachusetts to break up with Hailey; but then sent KM a message that said "Do not contact me again." Next: Interested in the coverline "Shiloh Saved A Village Of Kids!" ? You may be disappointed to learn that she didn't do it alone: When the little Jolie-Pitt was born, Angie and Brad sold the pictures for $4 million. Part of that money went towards 72 bicycles for two schools in Namibia. It used to take the students 2 hours to get to school, and they'd get home after dark, etc. Now, with bikes, everything is much better, and one of the kids says: "I think Angelina Jolie must be a saint. She must be a holy person." The Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart "make out" pictures are so vague that they require arrows (Fig. 2). Lastly: "Do Stars Eat Less Than We Do?" features Tori Spelling. She has cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and lamb chops for dinner, and snacks on avocados. They estimate she eats about 2,043 calories a day, and is healthy.
Grade: C (broken Eskimo Pie)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2