• Rihanna finally acknowledged a series of pornographic self-portraits that, until now, were merely rumored to be of her. She said in a radio interview that they were for "my boyfriend at the time" (almost definitely Chris Brown) and "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." She sent her mother flowers before calling her to break the news that the world was about to see her daughter's naughty parts. This is Emily Post's recommended method for informing loved ones of an an impending sex scandal. [People]
• 
  
• Tiger Woods Lover #2 kissed-and-told to basically anyone who would listen, including her coworkers, who she made listen to the infamous voicemail where Tiger asks her to remove her name from outgoing messages so his wife doesn't catch him making sweet mistress love. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Jaimee Grubbs' phone records, the rumored sexy text messages are out, and they include declarative sentences like "I will wear you out" and "Hey, it's Tiger." [NYDN]
• 
  
• "The War's Over": LiLo and SamRo have made peace. It's like peace in the Middle East, but even more promising, because it has the potential to turn into hot lesbian sex any minute now. John Mayer is well aware of this, as he is the one who brokered the deal, which ended with hugs and "a scantily clad blond." (Is the use of the masculine form purposeful here?) [P6] [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• 50 Cent carries $25,000 on his person at all times "just in case," and because he's so intimidating, nobody will ever try to mug him, anyway. [JustJared]
• 
  
• Nick Jonas : Jonas Brothers :: John : The Beatles [Us]
• 
  
• Natalie Portman was a teenage loser. Her first time drunk was at college (and she went to Harvard, so it was probably nerdy drinking) and she didn't try pot until she was in her 20's. And then she dated Devendra Banhart, a man whose life is one long psychedelic haze, [exhibit A.] so that must have been enlightening. [P6]
• 
  
• Jennifer Lopez's lawyer says her sex tape doesn't even have sex in it. Ojani Noa says he never meant to promote the footage as a sex tape, just that he wants to turn his 11+ hours of home video into a "mockumentary," which is a really stunning word choice, on multiple levels. [People]
• 
  
• Will Ferrell wants to play Simon Cowell: "I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell." Genius. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph, is engaged in a sticky-sweet game of corporate espionage. Dylan, who owns NYC candy store Dylan's Candy Bar, has reportedly been "sneaking around taking photos of her rival," Sugar Factory, which has more celebrity patrons. A Sugar Factory rep's diplomatically snide response: "We are flattered Dylan's looking to us for inspiration." Burn! [P6]
• 
  
• National Enquirer has the most adorable article-thingee accepting Newsweek's recognition for the tab's contribution to "one of it's top scandals of the decade," the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter affair. You can almost see Enquirer Ed-in-Ch David Perel's cheeks glowing as he sings with pride: "He then engineered a cover-up that was Nixonian in its cynicism... Six months later, the Enquirer caught Edwards... Call it definitive proof that investigative journalism still matters, no matter what you think of where it originated." [Enquirer]
• 
  

  Exhibit A.
  

• Tinsley Mortimer's reality show Empire State gets more and more interesting. Now they've signed on phone-hacking flack Ali Wise as one of the "co-stars." They filmed her at a party at the Alice Olivia pop up store this weekend—a party also attended by reality whole and fictional reporter Betsey Morgenstern's boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer—and a camera crew was spotted with her on October 19 when she was arraigned for breaking into romantic rival Nina Freudenberger's voicemail with something called a spoof card. Well, we will certainly be spoofing this show, and we hope that the CW will make a huge star out of Ali. It's the wise thing to do. And the puns just won't stop coming. We love this chick! Producers are a little worried what's going to happen to her after her next court date January 14. We suggest the sexiest version of Scared Straight ever. [Gatecrasher]
• Harry Potter star Emma Watson isn't exactly a slut, but she sure has been dating a lot. She was out on a date with fellow Brown student Rafael Cebrian at the Rangers game on Saturday with Yves Saint Laurent creative director Stefano Pilati as her gay chaperon. So, what did she do with ex-boyfriend, financier Jay Barrymore? Maybe she just cast a spell of invisibility on him. [P6]
• Lady Gaga's penis bought pizza for all the gays her fans who waited overnight to get her autograph in L.A. That's sweet, but doesn't she know her fans the gays still aren't eating carbs. [People]
• Hey everyone, Rosie Perez got a job! Congrats! She's costarring with Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell in some movie called The Other Guys, and they were filming during the real Knicks game on Saturday night. Brooke Shields also made an appearance. They also got Tracy Morgan for free, since he had courtside seats near where they were filming. [Gatecrasher]
• Even though her haircut says she is, model Agyness Deyn is not a lesbian. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez says she meant to fall on her ass during her performance of the loathesome single "Louboutins" at the American Music Awards. She also said that Gigli is supposed to be unfunny. No guile in that girl. [NYDN]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams let us know that the the Sex and the City sequel (also known as Carrie Bradshaw and the Temple of Doom) is filming in Morocco and all the ladies are staying in different hotels. She also tells us about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade back when they didn't have balloons so they just tied ropes to Pterodactyls and it was a great day in New Amersterdam. [Cindy Adams]

Ouch. Feel better, J. Lo!

Incidentally, here is the complete list of winners from tonight's American Music Awards:

• Best Falling On Your Ass: Jennifer Lopez
• Best Song Which Jennifer Lopez Performed, During Which She Fell On Her Ass: "Louboutins"
• Best Body Part Upon Which Jennifer Lopez Fell: Ass
• Best Cheek of Ass Upon Which Jennifer Lopez Fell: Right, Left (Tie)

• Shauna Sand, the scariest face in adult entertainment, penned an impassioned missive to Carrie Prejean describing her own odyssey from unwitting sex tape participant to Vivid-Celeb star: "Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees... I could actually turn things around." Like Carrie, Shauna "not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to" her sex tape. I'm pretty sure Vivid chair Steve Hirsch forced Shauna to do this. Alternately, it finally dawned on Shauna that she might get a late-breaking burst of attention. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Unfortunately for Shauna and Vivid, Carrie is sick and tired of this game. No means no, you meanie heathens. Prejean's lawyer sent a letter to Vivid charging that "your company has apparently told the media that it plans to publish the videotapes and/or photographs of my client with or without her permission." Which, to be fair, is a pretty ominous thing to have hanging over your head. [TMZ]
• 
  
• 50 Cent had his arm tattoos removed. "I've been on a few acting projects and they been making me get up... My call time is four hours before the regular acting talent because of the tattoos." Now that he's starring opposite Nicolas Cage in a boxing flick, the early morning annoyance to insane laser removal pain ratio has finally reached its tipping point. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Bijou Phillips' incest-y movie is totally embarrassing now that Mackenzie's incest book is out. Bijou is freaked out about the Dec. 1 premiere of Made for Each Other, where she will have sex scenes with Chris Masterson, who is the brother of her real-life husband Danny, who is also in the movie. OK, Mackenzie's bombshell obviously makes this a lot worse, but I'd venture to say it was kind of icky before that, too. [P6]
• 
  
• "Battle of Anchors at ABC"! Charlie Gibson hates Diane Sawyer and is begging for George Stephanopoulos to be his successor on Sunday morning's This Week ABC Evening News, mostly to infuriate the guys who type in the names that go on the bottom of the screen. [P6]
• 
  
• J.Lo's ex—the one trying to sell her sex tapes—says Jenny from the Block is stalking him. Says his business manager: "She's having him followed." Says his lawyer: "He's had death threats." Now, shadowy detectives I was willing to believe, but once they threw death threats in, I knew it was a lie. J.Lo is many things, but she is not sloppy. [P6]
• 
  
• Alleged Cindy Crawford blackmailer surrenders! Edis Kayalar, the male model accused of demanding $100,000 in exchange for "sexy" S&M photos of Crawford's 8-year-old daughter, has turned himself in to German authorities. Now he must wait around while L.A. County figures out what to do with the alleged horrifying creep. [People]
• 
  
• New Moon star and werewolf-portrayer Kellan Lutz got bounced from his own movie's after party. Apparently the security guards didn't know who he was and "it looked like things were getting physical between then," at which point Lutz sprouted fur from his back and claws from his hands, ripped the velvet rope to shreds, and proceeded in. [P6]
• 
  
• The police chief accused of breaking into Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's home stole ultrasounds and a plaster cast of the mom's belly, a paparazzo testified in open court. Allegedly, the accused was a total hardball, demanding $1000 for the surrogate's name and address, and gearing up for a serious haggle for the tummy mould. Cindy Crawford's blackmailer should take note: This is how the professional sleazebags roll. [AP]
• 
  
• Heather Locklear is "acting like a prima donna" on the Melrose Place set because she is "insecure and on edge." Also, now that A.Simps is gone, she's the most famous one there, so it's sort of her right, you know? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  

  Correction: Stephanopoulos hosts This Week, the promotion Gibson allegedly wants him to get is to anchor the evening news. Apologies.

• Professional cockface Jon Gosselin is going to return the money he stole from his and his wife's joint bank account, and God only knows what she's going to spend it on. I mean, that hair, right?! At least do something about that. Something. Meanwhile, the Freduain damage of how much the kids h8 him racks up by the minute. Read this heartbreaker and then decide how much you hate this man and his ex-wench to be. [NYDN]
  
  
• Scott Weiland of the Stone Temple Pilots was probably a more famous heroin addict than he was a rock star, which is when you know you have a respectably-sized habit: that it outshines the legacy of things you're actually paid to do. There's got to be some kind of mathematical equation for this. I think it goes something like: the more money you make, the lower the percentage of your income you need to spend on heroin to have it become a significant part of your legacy. It probably looks like one of those college acceptance charts, you know? The y-axis is for SAT scores and the x-axis is for GPA, and if you're in the green section, you're a "legendary" smack addict, and if you're in the red section, you're just a pedestrian smack addict or you're not doing enough to create some kind of myth about you. Anyway: Scott Weiland did a fuckton of smack, and his wife's writing a book about it, and the best clip Page Six (who's leading with this item?!) runs from it is:

  "The bonfire was huge and very pretty. Everything went up in smoke quickly, except the shoe leather; the Guccis took the longest," she writes. "The news reports said I'd torched $10,000 worth of Scott's clothes, which was wrong by a factor of eight. He was somewhat insulted at their estimate: 'Eighty thousand dollars, Mary,' he said later."

  Right? Because if my lady torched my Gucci kicks because she was a bipolar smack addict, I'd at least want to make sure she got the cost of the thing right. [Page Six]
  
  

• Kanyeezy's gonna get 50 hours of community service for slamming a photographer in the face. He will still do anything for a blonde dyke, a compulsion I have yet to understand. She just won't be that into you, man. [NYDN]
  
  
• I don't mean to creep up on Brian's beat, but, you know, here: Levi Johnston doesn't know whether or not he's going to fully exhibit his cock in Playgirl. This brings the word "cocktease" to new levels, none of which I'd ever planned on ascending nor am I pleased to have done so. Thank you, job. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lamar Odom has yet to introduce his Vampire Bride Khloe Kardashian to his kids. Maybe that's because she's a moron, and he doesn't want them to get infected by whatever his brain has been diseased with since dating her. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven made a lot of money for charity by selling a walk-on role in Entourage. Apparently, someone just paid $20,000 or whatever to get a stapler thrown at their head and hey, I'd watch that. Anyway: Charlize Theron was pissed because she know's what a cockwaffle Piven is and she told the people at said charity event that she'd make out with another woman for twenty seconds if they bid on it and won, and some woman did, and she made out with her for twenty seconds, to the tune of $140,000. But really, let's assume a man paid for this, because women aren't stupid enough to pay $140,000 to make out with Charlize Theron for 20 seconds when they know they could probably get it for free. This is just further evidence that the age-old ritual of seeing two drunk girls at a party full of cockwaffles gives many men the impulse to be like MAKE OUT DO IT COME ON but this time, Charlize, you cost one of those assholes $140,000. So: good on you. [Page Six]
  
  
• Damn, it sucks to be the middle kid. Jody Sweetin apparently was fucked up on los drogas while giving speeches to kids on how she'd cleaned up and how they should stay away from los drogas. Again: damn. [NYDN]
  
  
• Just read the way this Showbiz Spy gossip writes about Robert Pattenson's upcoming appearance on Ellen. When you're done, hold your breath, and count how many brain cells you can feel yourself losing. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Garth Brooks had Chris Gaines. David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust. Beyonce had Sasha Fierce. Mariah Carey had Mimi. And now, Jennifer Lopez has Lola. Meanwhile, I still don't understand what any of this means, because, for better or for worse, you're still the same goddamn people. [Page Six]
  
  
• I couldn't tell you what a Lady Mountbatten is, but apparently, as we learn in the gossip pages today, she was the hottest thing to hit India since Shiva's Hustler spread. What? No idea. Anyway! This Lady person is the subject of Atonement director Joe Wright's new movie, and the Indian government doesn't want them filming it there as the script stands, which is with a hot-and-heavy love story involving some kind of George Washington-like revered figure in India. I'm just shocked at the revelation that anything filmed in India doesn't have to pass an "Awful" test. I'm serious. Bollywood movies make my face hurt. People who suggest they feel otherwise are full of shit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six makes a good point that you probably want to be in the family of Sam Mendes: directed American Beauty, married to Kate Winslet, and now, has a mother who just sold another book in the UK. For what it's worth, my brother knows where to get the sickest kush in Long Beach. So I've got that going for me. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something about some Opera people I didn't understand. They're all probably bitchy and I'm pretty sure Italian. You know an intern put this one together. Here's an out-of-context quote:

  his wife, Leyla (herself, a princess from the Ottoman Empire); and Kitty Lai, known as the Queen of Jeans in London.

  What the fuck is a Queen of Jeans? Can she tell me how to wash dark-dye selvage denim to shrink them without losing any color? No? Then she ain't no queen to me, sister. [Page Six]
  
  

• The owner of the New England Patriots won't be among the 600 people getting married at the Kushner-Trump wedding tomorrow, because, like everyone on his team, he's an asshole. [Page Six]

And! On that note, let's get this party moving. Happy Saturday. It's raining in New York City! And these two cats who were screaming outside of my window all night are still screaming - like, not meowing, but screaming - kind of like this craziness, and if that's not a good excuse for getting in the office a little late, I don't know what is. In celebration of Mr. Yeezy's community servizzle, here's a jam we can all dance to.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Nicholas Cage is being chased by authorities for over $6-million in back taxes they say that he owes. This would seemingly explain why he's been selling off so many of his real estate holdings over the past year or so. Now seriously, how does a guy making at least $12-million per film get into this sort of situation? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Oh dear. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson appear to be making another run at it, which is probably good for humanity as it'll restrict the various strains of social disease carried within their loins from mutating into the general population. But still, enough already. [Sun]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that there might be a Sopranos movie in the works. Lorraine Bracco hinted that the cast is just waiting for the right script, while Stevie Van Zandt said that his character is definitely still alive. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• George Clooney took his new "lapdance model" girlfriend out for a motorbike ride in the Italian countryside with Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Director Guy Ritchie is sort of turning his new Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law into a gay film. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law supposedly met the mother of his new child on the street after a club they were both partying at closed for the night at 4am. He then took her to a diner and after they went back to his hotel room. How incredibly romantic! [Sun]
  
  
• Dina and Michael Lohan actually hung out together at a benefit over the weekend without killing each other. No sign of Jon Gosselin, unfortunately. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears is showing off a new look—platinum blonde hair! It's just nasty, but then again, so much better than the bald look she formerly sported. [Mirror]
  
  
• Sonia Sotomayor was spotted "out east" over the weekend shopping for fried chicken, naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jack Nicholson is still out there doing his thing, partying it up with women young enough to be his granddaughter in exotic locales. The picture of him here dancing with the girl doing the limbo or whatever made me laugh out loud. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mischa Barton had a "disastrous" dinner with friends in West Village the other night, where witnesses said she was chain-smoking and rambling on and on about a stalker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are photos of Jennifer Lopez's ample booty in a skimpy red bikini. [Daily Mail]

• Jude Law will soon become a father for the fourth time. His spokesperson issued a statement last night confirming that he knocked up some unnamed girl he had a "relationship" with last year. Jude, just go have the ole snip-snip done if you're unwilling to wrap up. Geez, it's reversible. [EW]
  
  
• Friends of Mischa Barton are concerned that she's being released back into the wild way too soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Mel Gibson was out partying with one of his many Russian girlfriends when a Life & Style reporter posing as a fan tried to get a picture of him, which caused Mel to snap and unleash his biblical passion upon the lowly tabloid journalist and her friend, whose shirt he ripped up. [Hollyscoop]
  
  
• Oh this is just heartbreaking—Michael Jackson's children formed a circle by holding hands and prayed frantically while paramedics attempted to revive their dad in their home. [Mirror]
  
  
• Dan Aykroyd bombarded the kitchen of some swanky East Hampton restaurant and starting yelling at the chefs that all of their dishes were "rubbish." He then jumped behind the bar and began slinging drinks to everyone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does anyone care about Jennifer Lopez anymore? Regardless, she and her husband Marc and their kids celebrated her 40th birthday in Rome, just in case anyone does care about Jennifer Lopez. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• According to the Mirror, George Clooney's new squeeze is a "lapdance model," meaning that she's a Italian model who loves to get drunk and give nude lap dances to men. George Clooney is a man to be celebrated. Here he is on a motorbike with his "lapdance model." [Mirror]
  
  
• Michael Showalter says that appearing on Letterman's show is like walking into your own television set, among other things. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Anna Wintour has gone power mad and is planning to invade Bulgaria because she has always wanted to rule a country in the Black Sea region. Or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse's father says that he faked a heart attack to try to shock his daughter into kicking her addictions to heroin and crack and God knows what else. His efforts failed. [Daily Mail]

• The Mirror is claiming that Michael Jackson had a fourth child—a 25 year-old Norwegian named Omer Bhatti. Bhatti bears a striking resemblance to Jackson and was seated on the front row with Jackson's family at his funeral in LA a couple of weeks ago. [Mirror]
  
  
• In the Bruno movie Brittny Gastineau says some really mean things about Jamie Lynn Spears. Now she's saying it was all a big joke. Haha! [Page Six]
  
  
• Marc Anthony became a partial owner of the Miami Dolphins yesterday. JLo will hit the training room to teach some of the players the secrets to ridiculous glute development. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ruth Madoff wore ripped jeans and a baseball cap on a flight to North Carolina to visit her beloved swindler husband Bernie. [Page Six]
  
  
• Billy Joel has apparently found himself a rebound bang—former Young and the Restless actress Alex Donnelley. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears' LSU football-loving father Jamie thinks that Britney is all healed in her mind and ready to be left alone to handle her affairs on her own, something he's been doing since she lost her mind her a while back. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kiefer Sutherland and his girlfriend are just making out all over town, running their hands all over each others' naughty bits and just about having sex in front of mothers with their children. Gross. [Page Six]
  
  
• If you happen to interview Sienna Miller, be sure to avoid asking her any questions about her affair with Balthazar Getty, lest you be called a douchebag. [Sun]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's recent breakdown may cost her a role on a fall television show about supermodels she was scheduled to star in. [Sun]

See, Sonia Sotomayor, like singer and actress Jennifer Lopez, is a Latina woman from a modest background. So it is pretty much exactly like nominating Jennifer Lopez, whose nickname, for a time, was J-Lo, to the highest court in the land. They are both Puerto Rican, and so therefore they are both extremely stupid and undeserving of their success.

• A Malawian court turned down Madonna's request to take a three-year old girl home to America with her, saying she'll have to live in the country for 18 months if she wants to adopt. Which is totally unfair, because before the singer divorced her husband, broke up with lover #1, ditched boytoy #2 and tried to fill the hole in her heart with a new "orphan," they totally let her adopt some other kid, what's his name, David, without making her live in stupid Malawi, and he's already the best dancer in her troupe and excellent with the Guy Ritchie voodoo doll. [Mail]
  
• MSNBC hired TV news lawyer Carlos Watson, who is black, and the rest of the staff are already whining that it's a terrible affirmative action thing, like they work at Fox News or something: "He's black, and they want to have a more multicultural appearance on air... But... at whose expense?" [P6]
• J. Lo was going to divorce Marc Anthony, but he swooped her off her feet again, and swears he changed for real this time, no more being a player while she's stuck at home with her twins, security brigade and creepy Scientology friends. To ensure this doesn't happen again he'd like to impregnate her repeatedly. She'll think about it! [Gatecrasher]
  
• An apparent stalker allegedly tried to break into Jamie Foxx's hotel room three times in 9 days. He kept saying he was Beyonce's producer. AKA Hotel in Philadelphia doesn't sound like it has the best security. [CBS3]
  
• A direct descendant of George Washington, John Augustin Washington V, smashed an English banker over the head with a vodka bottle, sending him into a coma for five days. The Post says this is "not presidential" behavior and "the apple fell far from the tree." True! It's not like the original George Washington went around aggressively hurting Englishmen. [P6]

Lohan was done in by paparazzi photos of her wearing someone else's fur coat; according to Guest of a Guest, Calderon was caught on a security camera.

Wednesday at The Eldridge, the story goes, the Paper magazine editor writer made off with someone's purse. According to a Guest tipster, it belongs to an Eldridge employee, and Calderon has promised to cough up some cash (he can't "find" the purse itself).

"He needed to ask his parents" for the money, the tipster wrote, which points at the likely cause: a tragically broke socialite robbed of patrons by the recession.

With so many other self-important personalities allegedly turning to crime to support their addiction to freebies — Jennifer Lopez, Michael Jackson and Calderon's frenemy Kristian Laliberte have all been accused — it would be no wonder if Calderon did the same. What socialite wants to be left out of an upper-crust fad?

(Top pic: Guest of a Guest)

The socialgay-turned-reality-diva is apparently the latest outsized personality to turn thief. A tipster said Laliberte made off with five of his company's fedoras:

I FedEx'd him the hats and he promised to produce articles in Black Book Mag and others about my line 7 months ago, never heard or saw any of them, and is refusing to return my goods. I filed a theft complaint with the NYPD. He is a thief!!

And it's not just your self-important UES cheek-kissers fueling the trend: Hollywood A-lister Jennifer Lopez is said to be guilty as well. Recall Page Six's Wednesday item about how the actress said she'd be keeping $50,000 of diamonds borrowed from a Beverly Hills fashion launch the star attended. An "insider" whispered to Six,

As far as Mr. Mouawad is concerned, Jennifer can have whatever she wants, but a premature demand seemed presumptuous.

Lopez's manager said she'd been promised the diamonds. Maybe he's confused: The fashion industry used to be able to afford such generosity, was once willing to write it off as the cost of doing business.

That's why stars used to get all sorts of freebies at "gifting suites" near showbiz industry events. Those rooms are getting kind of pathetic these days as the luxury goods makers have trouble selling their wares to anyone, celebrity endorsement or not.

So perhaps we should forgive celebs for trying to silently and unilaterally convert borrowed goods into gifts. Their innocent hearts are just trying to maintain the expense-free lifestyles to which they've become accustomed.

And it's easy to rationalize, because there's always someone running a bigger scam — like Michael Jackson, who right after last fall's economic meltdown tried to pretend a $7 million loan was a "gift."

Sorry, A-listers: If it seems like you're losing all your perks, maybe you need to ratchet down your expectations like the rest of us. We hear practically any celeb can still get free headbands, for example.

• Was Katie Holmes smoking with Sean Penn and angry curser Josh Broslin in a blatant attempt to make L. Ron Hubbard's thetan soul cry? [Gatecrasher]
• Madonna returned to Jerry Seinfeld's East Hampton home with Alex Rodriguez, just like she and A-Rod did before they got divorced, or whatever it is non-married, non-sexually-involved-yet-creepily-attached "friends" do when they fight. [P6]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spent $40 million on a mansion on Long Island's Gold Coast. It's got 25 rooms and 18 bathrooms, so some of the kids will have to share. Also: A fallout shelter. [Gatecrasher]
• Kanye West would like to be known as Martin Louis the King, Jr. Thank you. [Daily Star]
• Adamantly defending the healthy image of his client, Lindsay Lohan's flack announced the star recently "ate two full meals. "He didn't mention whether she kept the meals down but, you know, one calorie at a time. [P6]
• The remains of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry and his wife Majel will be shot into space via rocket. [AP]
• Jennifer Lopez picked out a Broadway play to star in. Everything else is apparently a formality. [P6]
• Oprah will not run for senate, probably because it would be a net loss, power-wise. [Us]

• Tensions ran high at Inauguration festivities when two former allies clashed. Ageless rock lady Sheryl Crow apparently had an awkward run in with her beautiful old boyfriend, the angelic Kid Rock. [P6]
• J. Lo and her faithful, eternal mummy manservant Marc Anthony had to push through crowds to get to an Inaugural party. With, like, regular people. The first great injustice of the glorious new regime. [P6]
• James Taylor, a lovely man, was wearing a hat and sunglasses at a Sunday night concert. It's because he fell and hit his head and needed stitches on his forehead. The incident involved a hotel room and a wooden parrot. [P6]
• Bloomberg was there. He got moved into a nicer section than he'd originally been given. Surprise. [P6]
• All the celebrities, all of them—Cher and Rihanna and Shakira and Elvira and Pyrex and Josh Groban—were in DC. Someone called it "the new Hollywood," which is true, but only for yesterday. Now DC returns to its rightful position, as the old Atlanta. [Politico]
• Urrsher thinks Obama is "old school." That must that Obama is "means nothing anymore" because "old school" means nothing anymore. [Reliable Source]
• All the celebrities somehow knew where the best restaurants in DC were. Beyoncé had a po'boy and Courteney Cox had sweet potato fries and Dustin Hoffman had mini cheeseburgers and shared one with the people next to him. They must have a Not For Tourists guides or something! Or maybe they just know. [RS]

Image, of Heather Graham, via Getty

This week, the mags are about 90 percent celebrity weight loss stories and 10 percent entirely made up cover stories about stars who might get married, reproduce, or not reproduce in 2009. Below, we pick out the small bits of gossip sprinkled like confetti throughout the pages of Ok!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.









Us
It's unclear why the mag describes the 28 pages of blathering about celebrity diets as a "bonus" on the cover, since that makes up almost the entire issue. Here's some New Year's Eve advice: If you want to look like Britney or Jennifer Aniston just start eating fish ... and doing two hours of yoga per day. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a "baby weight winner" because she lost 20 lbs by obsessively working out and insisting she has celiac disease. Hef once told Kendra from The Girls Next Door that she was getting fat and suggested she hit the gym. Charming. Here's some actual gossip: After a W magazine photo shoot with model Jesus Luz, Madonna invited the 20-year-old to a party in Brazil where they kissed, hugged, and danced until 5:30am, when they both retired to Madge's hotel room. A source says, "she goes after the youngest, hottest thing around," so it looks like 33-year-old A-Rod is out. Is Drew Barrymore dating Jason Segel? Segel's rep says they're just friends, but at the very least they're friends who make out at Chateau Marmont.
Grade: F (Standing out in the snow for hours to see the ball drop)

Ok!
Brad "longs to hold another infant" but Ok! theorizes that since Angie reportedly developed preeclampsia and gestational diabetes and had two emergency C-sections, having another biological child would be risky. Brad will have to settle for holding the two six-month-old babies he has at home or the African infant he is possibly adopting. Next: In an interview with the mag Alanis Morisette reveals that she lost 20 lbs by following a vegan diet. The mag says realizing she had gained weight was harder for Alanis to swallow than a "Jagged Little Pill." Sigh. Sort of moving on: Even more diet tips! Ok! suggests if you want to look like the stars you should become a professional dancer like Julianne Hough, breastfeed and have six kids like Angie, or get some plastic surgery like Heidi Montag. We finish with 12-pages of 2009 horoscopes. They advise that if you're a cancer, "the stork could drop by for a visit, especially after October 29." So should we be looking for a baby bump on cancers Ashley Tisdale, Meryl Streep, and Harrison Ford?
Grade: F+ (Having to watch a few minutes of Ryan Seacrest to see the ball drop on TV)

Life & Style
The cover claims they have the first photos of Bronx Mowgli, but it's just that picture Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put online a few days ago. False advertising! Next up, brace yourselves: George Clooney went to dinner with Paris Hilton two nights in a row and an insider says "they definitely plan to get together in the new year." Paris's new BFF came on both "dates" and Ridley Scott and Marvel studios chairman David Maisel were in attendance for the second dinner, so we're hoping for George's sake this was just business. Moving on: K-Fed didn't want to let the boys visit Britney on various stops during her upcoming tour, so Brit invited Kevin to join them. The pair did fall in love on tour, but a friend points out that Kevin's relationship with his bowling teammate is getting pretty serious. Mandy Moore and DJ AM split up again. Finally, the best celebrity weight loss story of the week: "Obama Shapes Up to Be President." An Obama insider describes how the future president shed a few pounds by not having to eat "corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair or ribs in Austin, Texas," like he did on the campaign trail. Yes, there is a shirtless before and after picture. (Fig. 1)
Grade D- (Noisemaker-induced temporary deafness)

Star
Nicole Richie is planning on conceiving a second child, so like most moms-to-be she's taking pre-natal vitamins, dropping her intense vegan diet, and sketching maternity clothes she'll have made for herself. In other news, Katie Holmes spent her 30th birthday alone because Tom Cruise was away promoting Valkyrie. Katie is stressed and exhausted (as evidenced by a cold sore on her lip) because Tom nixed a ladies-only spa weekend with her mom and girlfriends. Next: Angelina Jolie's long-time bodyguard Michey Brett quit recently because he clashed with Brad, and now he's threatening to write a tell-all book. Judging from his revelation that Brad and Angie forced him to buy them supplies from a sex shop, including "kinky rubber suits and face masks," it's going to be a good read. Moving on: Anne Hathaway has been dating boyfriend Adam Shulman for a few months, which clearly means they'll be getting married in 2009. Star thinks Anne is trying to send secret messages about her impending wedding because her most recent projects are Rachel Getting Married, Bride Wars, and the upcoming film The Fiance. Blind Item: Which Disney heartthrob better pass next time someone offers him a puff? The teen's taste for pot has become a real problem on the set of his latest project. Finally, some celebrities have hideous physical flaws that the editors of Star would like to point out to you. Victoria Beckham had some gunk in her ear, Kelly Rowland forgot to shave her armpits once before hitting the red carpet, and J.Lo has some back fat. How dare they.
Grade: D (Champagne headache)

In Touch
Jen and Angelina are in a made-up race to the altar, which means the mag has to plan two made-up weddings! Jen is going to make it a classy affair by borrowing Girls Gone Wild host Joe Francis's Mexican villa for a spring wedding. Angie wants her fake wedding to be smaller and will wed in September at Chateau Miraval with only family in attendance. Moving on: In Touch has an exclusive interview with Tori Spelling called, "How I got my bikini body back" which we did not read because it involves photos of a bikini-clad Spelling making sexy faces and we had to turn the page. In the requisite article about Jessica Alba losing the baby weight they use a photo of her pregnant for the "before" and the photoshopped Campari ad for the "after." Ha! Next up: OMG. "Is Oprah too hung up on Obama?" Oprah's friendship with the president-elect is described as "oddly close" and there is a sidebar pondering if Stedman and Michelle might be jealous. A psychiatrist who doesn't treat anyone involved says Stedman and Michelle "likely realize they can't relate to Oprah and Barack on a certain level because the pals share the "loneliness-at-the-top syndrome, which could draw them closer." Finally, "Hollywood's hooked on hookers." This article is like a three page blind item, with both gay and straight prostitutes recounting their adventures with anonymous A-list stars. We most want to know the identity of the straight "manly man" whose dominatrix invited gay porn star Nick Capra to her "dungeon" to see how far she could make her celebrity "slave" go.
Grade: D+ (Confetti in your underwear)

Fig. 1

• "Mercury" poisoned actor Jeremy Piven first called in sick while holed up with his new model-waitress girlfriend. He supposedly gathered women's phone numbers and sent a mass text reading, "Come to my room - whoever responds first gets me for the night." Quite the courter! [Gatecrasher]
• Here's a fully bearded Marc Jacobs making out with his boyfriend on the beach. [X17]
• Not only is Angelina Jolie not pregnant, she may be incapable of having any more babies at all. At least not for a long time. But only if you trust OK! more than Springfield movie-theater-line gossip.
• Ad jerk Donny Deutsch is for some reason kissing the stepmother of the guy whose wife he's screwing. Or maybe Page Six means "mother-in-law" instead of "stepmother?" So bizarre. [P6]
• Jennifer Hudson might sing the national anthem at Obama's inauguration. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony went to Puerto Rico to prove they're not getting divorced. At least not before Valentine's Day. [E!]

We wonder: is it worse that Ok! settled in for their long winter's nap last week with a double issue, or that the editors at the other mags have obviously been sleeping on the job? This week's cover stories are all about bodies: reducing the size of them, growing babies in them, taking them to the beach, and of course, pumping them full of drugs. We attempt to extract some holiday cheer from the sack full of coal that is Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.









Us
Before you sit down to your Christmas ham (or non-denominational Chinese food feast), Us would like to remind you that those holiday calories do, in fact, count. So here are some novel ideas from this year's Biggest Loser, in case you find you need to lose half your size in 2009: eat less and move more. Moving on: Madonna was only attracted to A.Rod because of the secrecy, and now a source says "she's totally lost interest." As have we. Next: Some stars got married this year, while others chose to spawn. To relive all the vicarious excitement, you can check out the mag's 16 page year-end filler special. Bonus: A complex two page chart (Fig. 1) that lists by month the 88 couples who either broke up or hooked up in 2008. Major points to anyone who can combine this with the infamous herpes tree.
Grade: F (Stepping on a shattered tree ornament)

In Touch
Katie Holmes tugged her shirt down in public, so obviously she is 12 weeks pregnant. A British tourist who spotted her in the street confirms, "She definitely had a baby bump." Next: Britney is suffering from stage fright because she's worried she can't live up to her fans' expectations. They're doping her up with two different anti-anxiety medications, so it looks like the show will go on. K-Fed is dating a girl from his bowling team. Sort-of-famous person Brandon Davis reports that there are different rules for celebrities in swanky rehab facilities. He says during his four times in treatment he's been allowed to keep his cell phone and has been offered drugs by other patients. "I can only imagine how easy it would be for a huge star in rehab to get away with things, like using drugs," he says.
Grade: D- (Discovering your dog has downed some tinsel)

Life & Style
Twilight star Robert Pattinson has been hitting the Hollywood party circuit and and a pal says, "he's drunk every night by 6:30pm." As for his co-star Kristen Stewart, "It's no secret that Kristen likes to unwind by smoking pot," says an insider. Could their antics jeopardize the sequel? Next: White House family feud! As previously reported in more reputable news sources, the Obama's asked to move into Blair House, the president's guest residence across the street from the White House, two weeks before the inauguration so that the kids could start school on time. And the Bushes shot them down! Former White House social secretary Leticia Baldridge advises that etiquette-wise, the Bush family was in the right. "They can stay in a hotel," she says. Burn. Moving on: The Jolie-Pitts have decided to leave America permanently for France, which isn't all that shocking since they're returning to Chateau Miraval, which they had already leased for three years. In other news, despite reports that their marriage is on the rocks, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony enjoyed a romantic dinner in L.A. last week. "They definitely looked like they were celebrating something," says an onlooker. J.Lo's triumphant return to the tabloid A-list last week, perhaps? Halle Berry is trying for baby number two according to the salesgirl at a Vancouver lingerie shop. Berry joked, "it's baby making time!" as she was leaving the store. This week in Dr. Rey's obnoxious plastic surgery case book: Kate Moss would look better with Blake Lively's legs, because all women are just a collection of interchangeable Mr. Potato Head parts. Lastly, everyone's being hit hard by the recession, but there is some good news: Celebs like Heidi Montag are getting paid less to appear at parties.
Grade: D (Extended family inquiring about your relationship status)

Star
The one good thing about the summer being over is that you'd think for at least eight months you wouldn't see a celebrity's cellulitey ass staring back at you on the check out line. But the laziness of Star's editors knows no season! Miley Cyrus is a "worst" because the 16-year-old wasn't showing enough skin. Ewan McGregor has the "worst fish belly," whatever that is, because he's not that tan nor are his abs chiseled. In actual gossip, the reason Nicole Kidman is rarely spotted with her kids Isabella and Connor is that Tom Cruise had secret papers drawn up that limit her visitation rights. She needs Tom's approval to go anywhere with the kids, Tom reads the emails she sends them, and he had to pre-approve her new husband Keith Urban before the kids were allowed to visit. Nicole agreed to sign the papers and keep her mouth shut because she knew Tom would blacklist her in Hollywood and ruin her career. Sad blind item: "Which little actress has big plans to squash the recent pregnancy rumors? She's started using laxatives to get back to her usual scary skinny look." Next: though the mag had elaborately planned out an entirely made up wedding for Jennifer Aniston in Los Cabos, they've decided they'd rather pretend Jen is getting married in the Greek Orthodox church, because "Jen's Big Fat Greek Wedding" makes a better headline. Moving on: If J.Lo and Marc Anthony divorced, she would definitely keep the twins, but they'll never divorce because she doesn't want to have a third failed marriage, so ... yeah. And finally, Star closes out 2008 with a 15 page story on celebrities' insane maple syrup diets and 8 hour workout sessions, which frankly, we could not read because we're off to down a massive amount of cookies and eggnog before Santa gets his grubby mitts on them.
Grade: D+ (A cookie jar full of broken off gingerbread man legs)

Fig. 1

• Tom Cruise will let you watch "Valkyrie" at his house if you first proclaim your love for the movie in the media. Unfortunately, this offer appeals only to people who haven't read reviews of "Valkyrie," or know anyone who's seen it. [Scoop]
• Paris Hilton isn't saying who, but she thinks she knows who stole $2 million of her jewels and so forth. But other Hollywood types think a serial stealth burglar is on the loose.
• Shia LaBeouf is ashamed of his DUI hand injury, which was more severe than previously thought and only finally fixed two weeks ago. Ben Stiller is ashamed of breaking his hand snowboarding, so he had secret surgery at Mt. Sinai Sunday. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Jennifer Lopez used to send an assistant on tour with now-estranged husband Mark Anthony to make sure he wasn't cheating on her. [P6]
• Michael Jackson denied that he's dying of a terrible lung disease, then coughed. [People]
• Creepy billiionaire Jeffrey Epstein is out of jail five days a week and his former teen prostitutes are understandably revolted at the thought of running into him. [P6]
• Apparently some married couples will go on double dates with a cheating husband and his mistress. Because it could help one of them come up with another gem like "Legally Blonde." [P6]

• Hard-partying Jeremy Piven suddenly quit his Broadway play three months early after flaking on two shows, citing mercury poisoning. David Mamet wasn't buying that excuse: "My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer." [Variety]
• Bernie Madoff's recruiter was nearly punched, for showing up at a party. It seems he took commissions on now-worthless investments that were likely fraudulent. Wall Street people, who apparently do not believe payback is fair play, were very offended. [P6]
• There were rumors that Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez wanted to see other vacant people, because they were bored, so the couple staged a public, romantic dinner involving "feeding each other Wagyu Kobe meatballs." Feeding each other tender balls. Is that a metaphor for something? So subtle, these Hollywood stars.
• For once, someone was drunkenly falling into Lindsay Lohan, instead of the other way around. [Reuters]
• Britney Spears has reportedly been wanting to get back together with Kevin Federline, but Federline would rather hook up with this hottie from his bowling team. [Sun]
• Neal Boulton and his wife made out with the same guy in public (yawn), and Boulton didn't even bother to use a fake name when he called in the "tip" to Page Six. [P6]