The New York Times detailed Jenny Sanford's ongoing rise to prosperity through her husband's infidelity. The article is actually a cleverly disguised guide to capitalizing off of your cheating, no good, dirtball politician husband who didn't even care enough to cover his tracks.

Step 1: Book deal. Per the Times: "She is writing a memoir, "Staying True," to be released in April by Ballantine Books, about grappling with her husband's marital infidelity." Not unprecedented by any means, though, granted, Elizabeth Edwards has a slightly higher profile than Ms. Sanford in addition to, you know, cancer. Make sure your book touches on themes of survival and—yes—resilience. Make sure the everywoman can relate to your struggle, even though the reality of your wealth and privilege makes your story otherwise totally inaccessible to most people who've been through what you have. Dina McGreevy definitely did it right, though. I mean, that cover!
Step 2: Trademark that shit. Elizabeth Edwards and Hillary Clinton made a misstep here. Like the old Spaceballs line, moichendising! The Times notes that Jenny Sanford's taking the smart step of trademarking her name, so she can sell "clothing, mugs, 'other household items,' stickers, decals, notepads." I can't wait until Jenny Sanford's Locate-A-Husband GPS Tracker (Now With International Capabilities!) hits stores. She already missed Black Friday, but I've got faith she can get this bad boy out in time for Christmas, so wives may spy on their "bad boys" everywhere.
Step 3: Barbara Walters. Always Barbara Walters. If you don't get your catharsis on with Barbara Walters, you don't get your membership card. And take a guess who made this year's list of Babs' Ten Most Fascinating People. Hint: It's not the transvestite who "peed" on Adam Lambert. Sure, there are other ways to get on TV: if you're Brian Grazer's ex-wife, just rewrite The First Wives' Club as a USA mini-series. But did she make the Times today? Nope.
Step 4: Web Presence. Once you lock down THE_REAL_JENNY_SANFORD, get rid of those pesky fake Twitter accounts, verify your own, set up your own website, and get music recommendations via @ by Questlove, you'll know you've equipped yourself for electronic success. Be viral, be with the people. Or as Miss Sanford would have it: "She has set up a privately financed personal Web site, complete with news releases and photographs." Nice. Silda, we still await your Tweets anxiously, so you can throw down the subtle RT on free throws like this.
Step 5: Get into politics. You've already proven you can deal with both sleazeballs and scandal. Anyone who says you're not ready for politics is clearly a moron. And the best way to start: by endorsing the candidate who's going to win your Pussyhound Husband's position after his constituency gives that tail-chaser the boot. "[Sanford] has endorsed a candidate to succeed her husband, State Representative Nikki Haley, a Republican and the only woman in the race." Just like that, you come off as both a strong feminist and a dedicated party-line driver, setting yourself up for political support further down the road, when you....
Step 6: Run for office. "Genius" is right.

Assuming that Mark Sanford considers the "ultimate line" to mean boning, though it's certainly possible that Mark Sanford's "ultimate line" is less than conventional, he claims that, outside of his wife, he's only stuck his red, white and blue pee-pee into Maria Belen Chapur's Latin ladybox during the time he's been married. So based on what we know about Mark Sanford's personal history, let's make a few educated guesses—errr—baseless conclusions about how Sanford may have "crossed the lines."

Paying for professional handjobs—Mark and Jenny Sanford met while both were living in New York and working on Wall Street. This is where the early part of their marriage took place. Now, it's an open secret that Wall Street dudes love "rub-n-tugs," i.e. Asian massages that feature "happy endings." Could we see Mark Sanford frequenting such places? Absolutely! Though we've personally never been to one of these fine establishments, we have many friends working on Wall Street who do frequent them, and we have absolutely no trouble seeing Mark Sanford slinking in to one of these joints during his lunch break or at 2AM after a night of cocktails and cigars for a handjob. And if you're in the market for a "massage" yourself, our Wall Street friends sing the praises of "Bonnie" at the West Garden Spa. They tell us she's "a real workhorse."

Sexy online chat sessions— By now everyone has read Mark Sanford's seductive emails to Maria Belen Chapur. What woman can read Sanford's vivid descriptions of humming diesel engines and tan lines and not become moist in the nether regions? Mark Sanford is the Erica Jong of American politics! So it stands to reason that Sanford has spent time verbally sexing strangers on the internets, in freaky chat rooms and such, which is likely where he honed his considerable erotic literary skills. Mark Sanford is probably one of those people posting ads in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist seeking someone to "sexy chat" with. We always wondered who those people were!

Lusting in his heart and loins—We know that Mark Sanford is an Episcopalian and according to author Bill Bonner, the Episcopal Church has the hottest babes filling the pews.

"Throughout all of Christendom, no group has more attractive churches – nor more fetching women – than Episcopalians."

So it stands to reason that Mark Sanford has spent many Sundays in church feeling lust in his heart for other women, just like that sinning liberal communist Jimmy Carter, in church no less, which means that Jesus will personally lash him about the genitals with wet bamboo when he finally gets to heaven, if God is even willing to let him through the pearly gates that is.

Masturbating in other people's homes—After Mark Sanford left Wall Street, he and Jenny moved to South Carolina where Sanford worked as a real estate broker. Now, real estate brokers, as you probably know, are notorious for pleasuring themselves in the properties they're showing when no one else is around. This is some sort of cheap thrill that they all seem to enjoy, and if there's one thing we've learned about Mark Sanford, it's that he loves cheap thrills.

Pony play—People in South Carolina love horses. So it stands to reason that...Oh Nevermind.

Feel free to add your own reckless speculation in the comments.

Previously: Things To Do In Buenos Aires Without Your Wife

The Washington Post heaps praise upon the cheating South Carolina governor's wife today, with a piece calling her "the hero in this story." (Well yes, by default.) And it also points out that she is the brains of the operation! And, a "friend" says:

"She's the hero to her children, and I think she's the hero to this state. In the midst of this tragedy, she is standing strong to who she is and what she believes in. . . . I think Jenny has not had these types of ambitions, but I think every woman in South Carolina would vote for Jenny Sanford for governor right now."

Hm. But would the men? She's Catholic and from Chicago! No matter! New York's Daily Intel jumped on the bandwagon, calling her "a symbol the Republican Party could really get behind" (this will infuriate Meghan McCain, probably).

And then Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who is thrilled that this happened, announced that he was proud of Jenny and ashamed of Mark. It is one thing for a bunch of media jackals to say this, but it seems a little "not really his business" for Tim to be all psyched that a fellow Republican Governor's wife hates him.

But Michael Roston was maybe the first to just come out and say it: "Jenny Sanford should be the Republican Party's candidate for president in 2012."

So Jenny Sanford for governor, or president, or lady-pope, or whatever! She will surely welcome the scrutiny and attention and its effects on her young children!

[Photo: AP]

I would like to start by saying I love my husband and I believe I have put forth every effort possible to be the best wife I can be during our almost twenty years of marriage. As well, for the last fifteen years my husband has been fully engaged in public service to the citizens and taxpayers of this state and I have faithfully supported him in those efforts to the best of my ability. I have been and remain proud of his accomplishments and his service to this state.

I personally believe that the greatest legacy I will leave behind in this world is not the job I held on Wall Street, or the campaigns I managed for Mark, or the work I have done as First Lady or even the philanthropic activities in which I have been routinely engaged. Instead, the greatest legacy I will leave in this world is the character of the children I, or we, leave behind. It is for that reason that I deeply regret the recent actions of my husband Mark, and their potential damage to our children.

I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband's infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage. We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.

This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage. During this short separation it was agreed that Mark would not contact us. I kept this separation quiet out of respect of his public office and reputation, and in hopes of keeping our children from just this type of public exposure. Because of this separation, I did not know where he was in the past week.

I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal. I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage.

Psalm 127 states that sons are a gift from the Lord and children a reward from Him. I will continue to pour my energy into raising our sons to be honorable young men. I remain willing to forgive Mark completely for his indiscretions and to welcome him back, in time, if he continues to work toward reconciliation with a true spirit of humility and repentance.

This is a very painful time for us and I would humbly request now that members of the media respect the privacy of my boys and me as we struggle together to continue on with our lives and as I seek the wisdom of Solomon, the strength and patience of Job and the grace of God in helping to heal my family.

UPDATE: Sanford has been cheating on his wife and was with his mistress in Buenos Aires, a blogger reports. Oh, well, it's just some blogger, right? Nope. It's Sanford's former spokesman, who runs a South Carolina political blog.

First, the hole-digging: According to this American Conservative profile, an 8-year-old girl wandered onto Sanford's property in Lady's Island, S.C., and died. How, exactly, isn't clear, but Sanford paid her family around $300,000 in a settlement. She may have fallen into one of the holes Sanford dug on his property to clear his mind:

During Sanford's first gubernatorial campaign in 2002, an 8-year-old African-American girl wandered onto a Sanford family property on Lady's Island and drowned. A source close to the governor said she fell into a "retaining pond." Her family's lawyer, Manning Smith, called it a "pit." Other sources claim that Sanford, who owned a hydraulic excavator at the time, digs holes on his property to unwind.

Sanford's spokesman, Joel Sawyer, told TAC at the time that it "was a tragic accident, and Governor Sanford did everything he could to do right by the family involved."

Second, how cheap is Mark Sanford? This cheap:

"During his six years on Capitol Hill, he slept on a futon in his office, even though he's a millionaire who easily could have afforded a small apartment," says the National Review. "Then there's the one about Sanford's going to the movies with a couple of his fellow congressmen. He offered to buy them drinks at the concession stand—and came back to their seats with a big cup of Coke and three straws."

When his father died, TAC reports, "the Sanford family buried him under a pair of oak trees overlooking a river, according to his wishes. Mark built the casket."

Sanford refuses to turn on the air conditioner in the governor's mansion in South Carolina, where it is always oppressively hot and muggy. His wife must love him.

And finally, from his former spokesman, Will Folks:

"He'd pick up change from the street during an event. If he found an index card in the garbage and saw that only one side of it had been used, he would explain to the staffer,‘This is how campaigns are lost'," Folks says. Employees were sent to return supplies Sanford deemed too expensive or reimburse the campaign for their mistake. Even today, Sanford gets his hair cut at Supercuts-and brings a coupon.

Does this sound like the type of guy who would buy a last-minute plane ticket to Buenos Aires just for "exotic" kicks?

Also, Sanford's wife Jenny, who kicked off this whole mess by acknowledging to reporters that she had no idea where her husband was or what he was doing, and yesterday added that she's just "being a mom" and still hadn't heard from him, is no ingenue: She's managed all of Sanford's political campaigns (hiring managers can be expensive!). It's highly unlikely that she'd be capable of managing three successful congressional campaigns and two successful gubernatorial campaigns and still be stupid enough not to realize that saying those sorts of things to reporters might arouse suspicion. She knew what she was doing.

Oh, and he wind surfs, so he's as gay as John Kerry. And he lies about his name: It's really Marshall.

What does this mean? We don't know, other than that the guy is weird. And despite the lengths he goes to portray himself as a frugal, just-folks boy from the country, he met Jenny in the Hamptons while he worked at Goldman Sachs and lived in New York City. She worked on Wall Street.

But does he really have time to cut out for a week just to clear his head? Here's what he said in 2005 about his job: "I'm so busy as governor, I can barely breathe."