Your Halloween party bores and frustrates Jeremy Piven, who in case you weren't aware is an actual working professional actor with little awe for costumes.

St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay will maybe join foursquare just if they grant him the honorific "Mayor of Everything."

Tech writer Paul Carr is quite enjoying his survey of California girls. Or maybe it's the German editors he likes, though we very much doubt that.

Wired's Brian X. Chen totally looked a gift horse in the mouth.

Hyperblogger Robert Scoble is already asking about an upgrade to a product from Twitter that is, itself, not even released yet.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• Professional cockface Jon Gosselin is going to return the money he stole from his and his wife's joint bank account, and God only knows what she's going to spend it on. I mean, that hair, right?! At least do something about that. Something. Meanwhile, the Freduain damage of how much the kids h8 him racks up by the minute. Read this heartbreaker and then decide how much you hate this man and his ex-wench to be. [NYDN]
  
  
• Scott Weiland of the Stone Temple Pilots was probably a more famous heroin addict than he was a rock star, which is when you know you have a respectably-sized habit: that it outshines the legacy of things you're actually paid to do. There's got to be some kind of mathematical equation for this. I think it goes something like: the more money you make, the lower the percentage of your income you need to spend on heroin to have it become a significant part of your legacy. It probably looks like one of those college acceptance charts, you know? The y-axis is for SAT scores and the x-axis is for GPA, and if you're in the green section, you're a "legendary" smack addict, and if you're in the red section, you're just a pedestrian smack addict or you're not doing enough to create some kind of myth about you. Anyway: Scott Weiland did a fuckton of smack, and his wife's writing a book about it, and the best clip Page Six (who's leading with this item?!) runs from it is:

  "The bonfire was huge and very pretty. Everything went up in smoke quickly, except the shoe leather; the Guccis took the longest," she writes. "The news reports said I'd torched $10,000 worth of Scott's clothes, which was wrong by a factor of eight. He was somewhat insulted at their estimate: 'Eighty thousand dollars, Mary,' he said later."

  Right? Because if my lady torched my Gucci kicks because she was a bipolar smack addict, I'd at least want to make sure she got the cost of the thing right. [Page Six]
  
  

• Kanyeezy's gonna get 50 hours of community service for slamming a photographer in the face. He will still do anything for a blonde dyke, a compulsion I have yet to understand. She just won't be that into you, man. [NYDN]
  
  
• I don't mean to creep up on Brian's beat, but, you know, here: Levi Johnston doesn't know whether or not he's going to fully exhibit his cock in Playgirl. This brings the word "cocktease" to new levels, none of which I'd ever planned on ascending nor am I pleased to have done so. Thank you, job. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lamar Odom has yet to introduce his Vampire Bride Khloe Kardashian to his kids. Maybe that's because she's a moron, and he doesn't want them to get infected by whatever his brain has been diseased with since dating her. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven made a lot of money for charity by selling a walk-on role in Entourage. Apparently, someone just paid $20,000 or whatever to get a stapler thrown at their head and hey, I'd watch that. Anyway: Charlize Theron was pissed because she know's what a cockwaffle Piven is and she told the people at said charity event that she'd make out with another woman for twenty seconds if they bid on it and won, and some woman did, and she made out with her for twenty seconds, to the tune of $140,000. But really, let's assume a man paid for this, because women aren't stupid enough to pay $140,000 to make out with Charlize Theron for 20 seconds when they know they could probably get it for free. This is just further evidence that the age-old ritual of seeing two drunk girls at a party full of cockwaffles gives many men the impulse to be like MAKE OUT DO IT COME ON but this time, Charlize, you cost one of those assholes $140,000. So: good on you. [Page Six]
  
  
• Damn, it sucks to be the middle kid. Jody Sweetin apparently was fucked up on los drogas while giving speeches to kids on how she'd cleaned up and how they should stay away from los drogas. Again: damn. [NYDN]
  
  
• Just read the way this Showbiz Spy gossip writes about Robert Pattenson's upcoming appearance on Ellen. When you're done, hold your breath, and count how many brain cells you can feel yourself losing. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Garth Brooks had Chris Gaines. David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust. Beyonce had Sasha Fierce. Mariah Carey had Mimi. And now, Jennifer Lopez has Lola. Meanwhile, I still don't understand what any of this means, because, for better or for worse, you're still the same goddamn people. [Page Six]
  
  
• I couldn't tell you what a Lady Mountbatten is, but apparently, as we learn in the gossip pages today, she was the hottest thing to hit India since Shiva's Hustler spread. What? No idea. Anyway! This Lady person is the subject of Atonement director Joe Wright's new movie, and the Indian government doesn't want them filming it there as the script stands, which is with a hot-and-heavy love story involving some kind of George Washington-like revered figure in India. I'm just shocked at the revelation that anything filmed in India doesn't have to pass an "Awful" test. I'm serious. Bollywood movies make my face hurt. People who suggest they feel otherwise are full of shit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six makes a good point that you probably want to be in the family of Sam Mendes: directed American Beauty, married to Kate Winslet, and now, has a mother who just sold another book in the UK. For what it's worth, my brother knows where to get the sickest kush in Long Beach. So I've got that going for me. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something about some Opera people I didn't understand. They're all probably bitchy and I'm pretty sure Italian. You know an intern put this one together. Here's an out-of-context quote:

  his wife, Leyla (herself, a princess from the Ottoman Empire); and Kitty Lai, known as the Queen of Jeans in London.

  What the fuck is a Queen of Jeans? Can she tell me how to wash dark-dye selvage denim to shrink them without losing any color? No? Then she ain't no queen to me, sister. [Page Six]
  
  

• The owner of the New England Patriots won't be among the 600 people getting married at the Kushner-Trump wedding tomorrow, because, like everyone on his team, he's an asshole. [Page Six]

And! On that note, let's get this party moving. Happy Saturday. It's raining in New York City! And these two cats who were screaming outside of my window all night are still screaming - like, not meowing, but screaming - kind of like this craziness, and if that's not a good excuse for getting in the office a little late, I don't know what is. In celebration of Mr. Yeezy's community servizzle, here's a jam we can all dance to.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are the strangest, most annoyingly compelling ex-spouses in history. They reportedly had a "secret meeting" at a New York hotel so that Pitt could bitch and moan about his crumbling marriage to Angelina Jolie, for whom he left Aniston. Twisted. (PS: Doesn't this picture make you a bit nostalgic?) [Daily Mail]
  
  
• We know you would never do such a thing, but just in case: don't rent your home to Kevin Federline, because he'll ruin it forever. [TMZ]
  
  
• Nancy Grace is not amused by Jon Gosselin, who she thinks is far too self-involved and needs to take care of his many, many children. [Us]
  
  
• We're not entirely sure why, but Jeremy Piven gets a lot of tail. On the positive side, his latest women are of many races, so at least he's an equal opportunity cad, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Mel Gibson got his wish: that whole anti-Semitic DUI arrest has been expunged from his record. But we'll never forget. [Star]
  
  
• If you're famous and within reaching distance, Courtney Love will kiss you. You've been warned. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hoping to make a great impression on the gays, Levi Johnston's "working out six days a week" for his Playgirl shoot. All we're saying is that we better see penis. [US]
  
  
• Padma Lakshmi's with child, which means she's gaining weight, which means she can't fit into her clothes, so she donated them to charity. We've always liked her style. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sad socialite Tinsley Mortimer hopes to revive her brand with a reality show. But, shocker, none of her rich friends want to be on something so mundane. [Page Six]
  
  
• We always thought only the coastal dwellers enjoy Mad Men, but maybe we're wrong: actress January Jones attended a NASCAR event in Kansas last weekend. But, then again, maybe the car racing fans just like a pretty blond. [Just Jared]
  
  
• The man accused of stalking and peeping on ESPN reporter Erin Andrews allegedly videotaped other women. Why are we not surprised? [NY Post]">People]

Last night on the Late Show, Piven said "20 years of eating only fish" also lead to Epstein-Barr, heart arrhythmia, and back spasms. It's amazing this man gets around without a Rascal. Mercury poisoning does cause high blood pressure and elevated heart rate, but usually not arrhthmia or spasms. It also causes itching and pain, skin discoloration, swelling, hair loss, and skin peeling off in layers. Don't you think any stories involving these would be much more colorful? And how did it lead to him contracting a virus like Epstein-Barr? Maybe that was something he caught at, we don't know, a party or something?

Piven also says that he got the best tests in the world at Quest Diagnostics, which can be found on just about any street corner in Manhattan. Earlier this year the company acknowledged it may have given thousands of people false results on Vitamin D tests. Piven also again name checked his fishy celebrity doctor Carlon Colker.

He's sticking by his story why he couldn't continue doing eight shows a week of Speed the Plow, and a arbitrator recently cleared him of any wrong-doing in leaving the Broadway show two months early. Because every celebrity becomes a crusader for the disease he suffers from, Piven is now fighting the injustice of fetid fish across the globe.

Dave was very sympathetic to his condition, and the interview couldn't be classified as anything but softball. Piven even got in a few good laughs. We're not only impressed that he's kept up his story for so long, but now it's even compounding itself. Give it a year, and his sushi habit will have lead to acute zombieism, where he marched around with his arms extended trying to satisfy an unquenchable hunger for brains.

The Institute, a fancy sounding organization that represents the nation's seafood industry, kindly reminds us all that Piven's case remains an aberration and that he has a history of being a big cry baby:

Despite the fact that the arbitrator ruled in Piven's favor, NFI cautions reporters and editors to continue to treat Piven's statements with skepticism. It is important to note that no peer reviewed medical journal has ever published any evidence of a case of methylmercury poisoning caused by the normal consumption of commercial seafood in the U.S. This ruling does not change that simple scientific fact. It is also important to note that Piven previously claimed to have been diagnosed with the Epstein-Barr virus during the first week of rehearsals, a claim that has curiously be absent from most news coverage.

Word to Piven, don't go fishing anytime soon. These people have your number.

Image via blmurch's flickr.

Piven pulled out of the production back in December, saying that 20 years of eating fish twice a day had elevated the level of mercury so high in his body that he couldn't function. His departure sent ticket sales into a spiral, even after he was replaced by William H. Macy. The show closed in February, but still made back its investment. Now the producers of the show have no legal or financial recourse against Piven and are still pissed. Their statement says.

While we respect the decision, we strongly disagree with it.  We remain eternally grateful to everyone who helped make the wonderful production of Speed- The-Plow possible, especially the artists who created it, and the many who had to deal with very difficult and trying circumstances.

With his mercury in retrograde, Piven is thrilled.

I'm just a theater actor who got sick, and was physically incapable of finishing my run. And now I can put this behind me and move on. And I'm stronger than I've ever been. I had a real health scare, and now I can climb back on the stage and know that I'm strong and able to complete the mission. It's a great day.

Yes, he said "climb back on the stage" not "climb on some stripper named Destiny," which is probably what he meant. And he has a better chance with Destiny than he ever does coming back to Broadway. Hope that, movie thing works out.

• Is Lindsay Lohan having the worst week of her life? Probably. Papa Lohan — ever the purveyor of sage wisdom — claims that baby's house was burglarized! LAPD officers are on the scene right now, according to TMZ. Hopefully, she won't try to pin it on a bodega worker named Mohamed. Stay tuned, everyone. [TMZ]
  
  
• Lady Gags got booed in England for showing up to a set late and then having to circumcise her show after running out of time. Speaking of circumcision, PENIS OR GTFO, Gags. [The Sun]
  
  
• Page Six decides to pile on Michael Wolff's supposedly awful site traffic. I'm sorry, but with headlines like I LOVE TO KILL THE NEWS, yeah. He'll take what he can get. [Page Six]
  
  
• Postcards To Yo' Momma: Charles Dickens used to get ladies by writing letters to deh muddahs. In other news, (A) my favorite Page Six items are now the "historical gossip" ones and (B) I just stick with chocolate-covered strawberries. And thus, moms love me. If I were to write a girlfriend's mom a letter she'd be like seriously WTF and then tell her daughter to find a hedge funder or something, because This one, he writes letters? Meshuggah. He could've been a lawyer, too. A shonda. And look what he writes about Jews! [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Katie Holmes served as the inspiration or something for Scientology's creepy new uniforms. Also, Katie Holmes probably hates Scientology, because it's just another beard for craziness in her life she has to suffer in order to get her contract paid out. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven hasn't eaten fish in a bunch of months, and is now a new man or something now that he's living an un-mercury-poisoned life. Notably, Broadway is looking much healthier too now that it hasn't had much Jeremy Piven in however many months. [NYP]
  
  
• Random for an R & M item, but: girls in Maxim's Hometown Hotties contest - which is exactly what it sounds like - say that it's fixed! There's some kind of resolution to this story, but Maxim's PR person realizes what a ridiculous gossip item this is, and takes the time to crack a joke to R & M: "We did use the same electronic voting machines as Ohio did in the 2004 election. So we fully expect George W. Bush will be our next Hometown Hottie winner." [R & M]
  
  
• George Hamilton keeps lookin' good by using stem cell injections of his own fat on his face. Meanwhile, George Hamilton! Love him. Does anybody remember "George and Alana," Hamilton's talk show he once had with his ex-wife Alana Stewart? It was really good! [R & M]
  
  
• Gah! Fuckin' bedbugs! They're now terrorizing Bubba Clinton and staff in his Harlem offices. It got so bad that they had to leave work for a few days. [R & M]
  
  
• Oh, those wacky Coen Bros. They made Amy Landecker wear a pubic "wig" for the upcoming A Serious Man because it's set in 1967. [NYP]
  
  
• Not exactly 90th percentile SAT stuff, but: Was Jill Zarin chatting up a dean at Brown to get her daughter past admissions there? Probably. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sad: Jason Preston still isn't over his breakup with Marc Jacobs. He reached out to Courtney Love over Twitter because he's sad that Jacobs is marrying his boyfriend, Lorenzo Martone, this weekend in Massachusetts. But: why are you reaching out to Courtney Love for help? There are bad terrible awful ways you can act about ex-lovers, and then there's reaching out to Courtney Love. Don't do that. Just: don't. Go listen to some Paul Simon or something instead. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Paquin isn't afraid to get nekkid on vampire fetishist show True Blood. So it goes! Meanwhile, talk about burying the lede, Page Six: Nylon's still having magazine parties? [Page Six]
  
  
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to spend $45M on, let's see here, a...'FRENCH LOVE NEST' reports Showbiz Spy. And here I thought they were going to write PYREX BONG. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Aw. Where does Susan Boyle take her buckets of duckets and spend them on vacation? Home. She went to take a break in Scotland. Happy things, people. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Oh, this is wonderful: David Cross used a picture of the father of his girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, as his author's bio photo on the jacket of his upcoming book. Furthermore! He wrote, on his bio: "He is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn." Forthcoming, but true. David Cross: loved by parents, I guess? [D-Listed]
  
  
• Was LeAnn Rimes involved in a hit-and-run? She was questioned by cops on Thursday night about one. [US]
  
  
• Will Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have raging ecstasy-induced sex in an upcoming possible film project? They could just pick up funding for this film by placing tzedakah boxes around the country at various male-oriented Jewish youth group meetings. Watch. They'd have a $20M budget in about three weeks. [WWTDD]

In a Q&A for the new issue of Time, Rick Dorzback of River Edge, New Jersey asked the question that's been on everyone's mind:

Have you stopped eating sushi? -Rick Dorzback, River Edge, N.J.

I haven't had a piece of fish of any kind in 11 months. My mercury levels have gone down from just below 60 to 3 now. I feel like a different person.

Yes, thank God for that new low mercury level! Otherwise, how the hell could Jeremy Piven possibly nail down 2am Vegas style with the other members of the Legion of Douche?

Dane Cook first posted the link to this photo, which was then re-tweeted by Jeremy Piven:





Yes, the boys were "nailing down 2am Vegas style" and the conversation leading up to the moment captured in the photograph probably went something like this:

Piven: Dudes! You guys look fucking fresh rocking the Fedoras on your domes. I should've brought mine!

Cook: That's alright bro, you look pretty damn fresh without one. Must be the sushi.

Rock: (Snickers) Yeah brah!

Piven: Hey fuck both of you assholes! NO SUSHI JOKES TONIGHT! Okay?!

Rock: Somebody sure is sensitive!

Cook: Dude, we promise not to toss out any more sushi jokes if you just text Paris and get her over here so we can all run a train on her tonight.

Rock: Dude, I fucking love running trains! One time, me and the dude from Creed...

Cook: Yeah, yeah we know.

Piven: I told you guys, she got back together with her boyfriend Doug.

Rock: So! Screw that guy. He can stand in the corner and watch.

Cook: What about Bai Ling?

Rock: Ah, yeeeeaaaaahhhh!

Piven: No, I've got a better idea — let's post a pic on Twitter and we'll reel in some local Twitter whores with it.

Cook: You're a fucking genius Piv. Seriously — You. Are. A. Fucking. Genius.

Piven: Alright, everybody get in close and strike your best Mt. Douchemore pose. Ready, 1...2...3

And the rest, as they say, is history.

• Whatever you do, don't make any sushi jokes around Jeremy Piven — he's sort of sensitive to them. Chris Kattan found this out backstage at a taping of Alexa Chung's MTV series. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• British actor/sissy-boy Robert Pattinson is so afraid of New York women that he's spending his idle time hanging out in bars in Long Island City, just to avoid being recognized by girls in Manhattan. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson has finally been laid to rest at a cemetery in the Hollywood Hills, but the Jackson family is refusing to make the exact location public out of fear that someone might try to steal his body or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel hates Gwyneth Paltrow, so much so that she said Gwyneth makes her want to staple her eyelids shut. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Madonna's fetus fuck-toy, Jesus Luz, has decided that he's tired of modeling and is stretching his wings to try to become a prefessional DJ. This sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kyra Sedgwick says that being ripped off by Bernie Madoff has forced she and Kevin Bacon to embrace the "simpler things" in life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mariah Carey, feeling pressured by Whitney Houston's new release, is said to be feeling enormous anxiety about finishing up her new album. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's something different: Terri Irwin issued a denial that Steve Irwin's remains were fed to a crocodile in Australia after his death. [Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham looked ridiculously skeletal when she showed up for her debut as a judge on American Idol. She was also criticized by the show's staff for being wooden and too nice. [Daily Mail]

But seriously, which is a more revolting thought — that Obama actually gave his digits to Jeremy Piven, or that Piven never even bothered to write the numbers down or save them into his phone?

• Today's big Rush and Malloy scoop: Brad and Angelina are looking to get a pad in the Upper West Side. I know what you're thinking: we've been through this before, and we did not like the results. The sacrificial real estate envy of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick cost so much emotionally to only have some computer nerd show up in their place. But Rush and Malloy are careful not to get your hopes up: the agents for the building is having problems selling the units, and they need to do so in order for the owner's offering plan to operate for another year. Anyway, I kind of don't want them here. Not that I'd prefer one celebrity over another, but at a certain point in New York, paparazzi nonsense begins to get in your way. Like, I'm sorry, but I don't want Brad and Angie Plus Three Imported Children And A Few Others Plus A Cabal Of Photogs pushing their way through Zabars while I try to get a bagel and not trip over the old bubbies who go there. Like, when you're in your neighborhood in New York, that kind of insane bullshit's the last thing you need. You're already paranoid and skittish and hungry enough as is. Also, can you imagine waiting in line at Gray's Papaya behind them? There are only two kinds of hot dogs, but seven kinds of juice, and you know they'd just take FOREVER to decide that they all want Coke and Angelina would make them drink Papaya juice and they'd all be crying and you'd just be like, for fuck's sake, I came to get a hot dog and now this? And then some vaguely European paparazzo would take a picture of you shoving a hotdog in your face and it would ruin Gray's Papaya for you. Just, like, ruin it. [Rush and Malloy]
  
  
• What? Partridge Family star Shirley Jones somehow made today's roundup. What did it take? The promise of nudity, of course. Jones was going to do a playboy spread until Hef saw the test shoot results and wanted to see more skin. So, Playboy subscribers, it's nice to know that the Hef is using your magazine as his own octogenarian porn vehicle, right? Okay, so, Jones is only 75. But still: Calendar Girls, ahoy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney couldn't reunite the Beatles, even with blow and Stevie Wonder. Paul McCartney came close to reuniting the Beatles on a coked-out night with Wonder and John Lennon. Now, take a deep breath, and one wild, insane guess as to why it didn't happen. Okay. Done guessing? If your answer doesn't rhyme with Foko Bono, it's wrong. What, you thought there was a problem with George Harrison or something? Honestly, the Walrus might've been Paul, but the blackbird of death was Yoko. [R & M]
  
  
• Also, Robert Plant is awesome and is being knighted for being awesome. [E!]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven was skeezing on Hayden Panettiere at the Entourage premiere on Thursday night. Away, old man. Seriously. Also, like every other Entourage-related item that's appeared anywhere, Jerry Ferrara (Turtle) was seen "cuddling" or something with Jamie Lynn-Sigler. If you don't watch the show, well, they're together on the show and in real life. And it is ridiculous-cute and gives hope to rotund, hat-wearing underachievers with bad nicknames that stick forever everywhere that one day they, too, may date Meadow Soprano. [Page Six]
  
  
• William Shatner couldn't get in on the Star Trek franchise revival feature, but he is wanted for the TJ Hooker version of this. Go figure. To be the Shat is a life lived curiously examined. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ah, yes: the lame sequel to yesterday's item about Jennifer Aniston shooting at the Daily News. You get to hear about how exciting and not contrived it was to work in a "real newsroom" and be issues "fake Daily News ID cards" and how Jennifer Aniston snacked on string cheese. Seriously. Way to bring the hurt, Daily News. Gossip fail. Oh, and really sad for the lack of crossover between the Rush and Malloy UWS scoop and this. Something like "Jennifer's sad and slaving it away with the rest of us hacks while her ex-mans, lady, and twelve kids are checking out a slick UWS pad and noshing on some Gray's Papaya." [Daily News]
  
  
• Brody Jenner's girlfriend, some Jayde Nicole person whose name or existence I don't understand, was trying to convince someone, somewhere that The Hills is real. This is like that time someone tried to convince you that visits to the proctologist are a blast, and you were like, no, but, you know, maybe? And then you were like, WTF, NO. [E!]
  
  
• Debbie Rowe is going to the custody hearing of Michael Jackson's children, and this somehow constitutes a People item. Then again, it's People. And here I am, linking to them. Is there an over-under on how long this thing's going to dominate the gossip newscycle? There's got to be a lottery somewhere. I'm going to take two years, to be replaced by the revelation that Ron Burkle is actually a Clinton stepbrother. Longshot, I know, but I think it'd do the trick. Who's got $10 to throw down? Oh, and also, Michael Jackson didn't want his Dad to come even remotely close to his children. God, wonder why. [People and Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• Ryan Reynolds has been cast as the Green Lantern, and I haven't. Reminder: he's also married to Scarlett Johannsen and used to be with Alanis Morisette. How good is your life? [D-Listed]
  
  
• Page Six Gossip Cindy Adams hates The Hamptons. Now, normally, I'd tell you to avoid reading Cray-Cray Aunt Cindy's column because it's totally batshit old lady nonsense, but this is quite wonderful: she talks about going to garage sales in the Hamptons and explains how she acquired a pair of white fur Yak boots, among other things. Also, this: "I hate country and ants and air and the need to attend another art-gallery opening every weekend or some do-gooder esoteric charity event like, maybe, The Care and Feeding of The Endangered White Rhino of Tanzania." Today, you're Mama Cindy. Truth, Mama. Truth. [Page Six]

• Britney Spears is a woman who is dedicated to her man/agent. So dedicated that she's converting to Judaism to show Jason Trawick how much she loves him. She's been wearing a star of David around her neck and has enlisted a rabbi to tour with her to teach her the religion. As a Cajun/Louisianian, I'd like to offer a trade to the Jews. You guys take Britney off our hands, and we'll take Natalie Portman. Sound good? Sweet. Have fun with her. [UK SUN]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow, faux-lifestyle expert, physician, chef, dietician and Jim Jones in training, sent out a message to her GOOP death cult raving about some detox clease she did where she didn't eat anything for three weeks. In other news, Chris Martin probably isn't an ass man like Barack Obama. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jerry Seinfeld, apparently not content with the billion or so dollars he's banked from Seinfeld, is doing wacky commercials for some bank in Australia. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven says he hasn't eaten a piece of fish in 9 months since his horrible mercury poison thing. Now he's all into yoga and is all about achieving "balance." Whatever. Still a tool. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Katie Lee Joel isn't wasting any time since dumping sad old man Billy Joel for some swarthy lothario—Now she's opened up a burger spot in West Village near her townhouse called "Burger County." [Page Six]
  
  
• Jamie Foxx just can't contain his unrelenting cheesedickery. The other night he was at a party at Tao in Vegas when he took over the mic from the DJ and starting taunting Rihanna, who was dining with Jay-Z, to the point where she got up and left. [Page Six]
  
  
• 19 year-old Harry Potter star Emma Watson bought a $3,000,000 London home for her and her boyfriend, some 26 year-old "financier" named Jay. [Mirror]
  
  
• Katy Perry is running around Turkey in a bikini with some mystery guy just putting his hands all over her and we have to admit, we're kind of jealous. She looks damn good! [Daily Mail]

• After dropping hints that she might be marrying him this summer, Paris Hilton dumped Douglas Reinhardt after they got into a huge fight at a club in Hollywood on Tuesday night after he was making the rap with another girl or something. Her friends are said to be quite pleased about this, saying that Doug was "a douche just like everyone tried to tell her and that he was only dating her for publicity." Poor Paris. When will she ever find true love? [Sun]
  
  
• Shia Labeouf thinks that it's "so freaking outrageous" that some dirty-minded people out there actually think that he has sex with his mother. He wants everybody to know that they only give each other handjobs. [The Hot Hits]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham pranced around London wearing a see-through blouse, seemingly unaware that her boobies were in plain view. So if you've ever wanted to see her breasticles, follow the link. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jessica Alba is being investigated by police in Oklahoma City on vandalism charges for splattering posters of dead sharks all over town or something. [Yahoo]
  
  
• Susan Boyle is set to sing today for the first time since losing her mind during the run of Britain's Got Talent. No word on whether or not she'll be holding her cat Pebbles while she performs to keep her sane. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven is back in town douching it up all over the place, but he's still making time to warn everyone about the horrors of mercury poisoning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West and his ex, Amber Rose, have been spending a lot of time together. She even showed up at his birthday party at the Spotted Pig the other night. [Page Six]
  
  
• It looks as though Katie Holmes will be appearing on the next season of the Fox reality show So You Think You Can Dance. Tom is going to be so jealous! [Just Jared]
  
  
• Heather Graham's nipples are quite the sight to behold popping out of that lovely blue dress darling. Not exactly Victoria Beckham territory, but still—Wow. [Dlisted]

• Shia LaBeouf more or less told Playboy that he (incidentally) doesn't have the biggest tool out there. Thanks, man, like they don't already know about us. He also tried the "put a pillow under her butt" (?!) move he learned from watching porn, and it didn't work out too well. [P*r*z H*l*on]

  
  

• Some Broadway actor tells Jeremy Piven he's still not welcome around these parts. Okay, so he was the guy who replaced Piven off-Broadway in Neil LaBute's Fat Pig way back when, but still: solidarity, brother![Page Six]

  
  

• Once role-model to young women everywhere Alicia Keys is dating Swizz "Swizzy" Beats, and Beats' soon-to-be ex-wife is very much making it a part of what's probably going to be an excruciating divorce. Anyway, this is what a Swizz Beats produced song sounds like. Rap music! [R & M]

  
  

• E! wants to know what Kate Gosselin needs a bodyguard. Honestly, it's kind of a good question. Why the fuck does Kate Gosselin need a bodyguard? How 'bout those kids, no? [E!]

  
  

• Everyone wants to play Frank Sinatra in Scorsese's recently announced biopic, speculation immedietly goes to DiCaprio, blah blah blah. Johnny Depp, James Franco, etc. You get the idea. [Page Six]

  
  

• TMZ got all up in Larry King's grill about Miss California - you know, the homophobe? - being too hungover to make his show, and he was like, I could give a shit about Miss California. But I could give you this! Blaw! And he totally wrecked the TMZ guy's noise with a nasty ripping of ass, which, really, is what everyone should do to TMZ people. [TMZ]

A recent union hearing left the actor unscathed, so the producers have pressed on to arbitration, the dates for which were announced Wednesday (June 8 and 9). This prompted the release of a lengthy statement from Piven, explaining that his poisoned sushi is seriously a really, really big major health issue, since he may have nearly had a heart attack, hypothetically, but also because the president said so:

Mr. Piven is looking forward to testifying in Arbitration along with his doctors so that the truth comes out about the very health serious risks caused by Mercury exposure, which the Obama administration has recently described as the world's gravest chemical problem.

It's true: The White House said just that (sans odd Capitalization) when calling for a global mercury-limit treaty last month, according to the Associated Press. Then it specifically mentioned fetuses and children as being at risk.

It's worth noting, though, that there's juuuust enough scientific chatter about fish-based mercury poisoning in adults to make Piven's story plausible, if you ignore his sketchy doctor and past behavior.

Piven's medical records might help settle the question, but the actor demanded the producers sign a confidentiality agreement before they could access them. Which makes sense, because if Piven's M.D.s made house calls, lord only knows what sort of raw meat they saw being devoured.

(Pic: Piven at an Obama fundraiser in Chicago, June 2007. Getty.)

She mentioned that Macy used to babysit for Jeremy when he was but a rugrat. She then sardonically added, "In some ways you could say he's still babysitting him." Zing! Then, when Letterman smirkingly brought up the whole mercury-poisoning-by-tuna thing, Felicity scoffed a bit and seemed mighty incredulous. So now it's OK just to rag on this dude's lame story on national television. Even if you're an image-concerned fellow celebrity. It's almost kind of sad.

She tells the extremely legitimate New Jersey gossip rag Steppin' Out that she went on a date with Piven out of curiosity, and that she was horrified by his let's-get-you-drunk-and-hop-into-bed rude behavior. They seem to have had the rendezvous at a sushi restaurant, as sake was the drink of choice. No Jeremy! Sushi gave you poison! Mercury poison! Ah well. All in the name of getting some, right Piv? Fusca tells the magazine:

He just wanted me to drink sake. He kept saying, "Waiter, more sake!" and "How do you like your sake? Is it good sake?" He just wanted one thing but I wasn't going to be another girl he slept with. He got very annoyed when he realized he wasn't getting what he wanted. He was very upset. He just drove me home and didn't say a word, which wasn't really different from dinner. He was angry. He wouldn't even open the door for me. I had to open the door myself.

Little did she know, Piven was actually in a "How Many Times Can You Say the Word 'Sake' " contest. He won.

Fusca wasn't surprised by Piven's rudeness, though, as she'd already heard about some of his bad behavior:

He thinks he's all that. I read an article yesterday that he left a sushi restaurant waiter a photograph of himself as a tip. What? That waiter is working hard for his money. He doesn't care about your picture! That tells you what kind of guy he is. He took me out but he didn't try to win my heart. He just tried to get me very tipsy on sake. He just kept refilling the sake.

Ohh, I want to play too. Sake.