Honestly, you don't even have to be able to read particularly well to see just how much This Is Totally, CompletelyFuckingAbsurd subtext this was written with. Poor Allen Salkin. The Seymore Hersh of the Sunday Styles (and Sarah Palin Slambook Signee) clearly did not enjoy this. Imagine having to hang out with Madonna's squeak toy for a few nights. And then write two pages about him. Forget what isn't someone's idea of fun; this sounds like a spite-assignment. The only thing that could make this better is if David Attenborough narrated it for readers.

Into the trenches Salkin goes. Watch as he infiltrates the nesting den!

Young models in sheer cocktail dresses shimmied near chrome buckets holding bottles of the vodka brand sponsoring the party.

He meets curious creatures of the night, and attempts to elicit information about their intent marauding around the natural habitats of a Jesus.

A freelance reporter for Life & Style magazine prepared to sidle up for a quick interview. "I'm here because I'm supposed to ask him questions about dating Madonna," she said.

Yes, well, as if we don't already know, Jesus Luz is basically Madonna's squeak toy. They had plenty to say about each other:

"I don't talk about my girlfriend," Mr. Luz said. "Let them come to their own conclusions." (Through a spokeswoman, Madonna declined to comment for this article.)

Salkin, however, persevered. There are questions that need answering. Most importantly, how the hell do you pronounce his name? Observe his continuing efforts to communicate in his native language with the indigenous call of the celebrity weekly reporter:

Asked if she knew how to say Mr. Luz's first name, she ventured, "Hay-soos? Or maybe Gee-zus?"

But it's not all mysteries! Out he comes, with answers to the questions regarding this cosmic being with whom Madonna's sexual organs associate themselves with.

Before Mr. Luz, muscular and curly haired with piercing blue eyes, returned to the laptop and mixing board, he explained the proper way to say his first and last names: "Zhay-ZOOSE. Loose."

And...that's basically the big revelation here. Jesus went to a DJ school, started booking gigs, met Madonna a month after she divorced Guy Ritchie, and she's been paying him allowance since. Okay, he says she's not:

..He said that was ridiculous. "I'm laughing so loud," he said.

But who says they're "laughing" at embarrassing allegations? People who are not laughing. Note the curious lack of a bracketing "laughing." Salkin knows this guy's pockets are lined with Ray of Light-era cash. Want to see how bored Salkin is with Jesus? Look:

It reads like a fact sheet. The IMDB "Trivia" page for Pet Cemetery 3 was written with more excitement than this. It's not at all a hack job or a rush job, because, for all intents and purposes, everything you'd ever want to know about Jesus Luz is contained within this piece.

This is the definitive Jesus piece. Including how much he thinks he's worth ($30,000, which a club decided not to pony up for). It's exactly why this reads like a please, get this thing out of my life job. I almost kinda feel bad for his having to take this one on. Almost. Meanwhile, has anybody ever cared less about a Madonna boyfriend? No. Maybe it's a sign of the times, how we've grown with Madge, how Madge just can't buy/fondle up some excitement like she used to, or how we just have better things to give a shit about these days. Or maybe it's just a sign that—predictably—Jesus is just like every other model/DJ in New York City: meh.

• Russell Brand's Hampstead home is on the market for £2.5 million, which, if my rudimentary math skills serve, is about $4.2 million. The "dramatic and stylish" three-bedroom home features a landscaped garden and "wheely bins round the back," whatever that means. (Was it a sex joke?) The real question: Is he selling it so he can move in with Katy Perry in LA? And if so: Is there any way we can stop him from invading our country? [3AM]
• 
  
• With regards to his eponymous relationship with Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner says "it's weird calling somebody your name," which sounds about right. [OK]
• 
  
• Madonna still denies she going to Brazil to meet boytoy Jesus Luz's mother, saying "I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Honey, if you refer to visits with your future mother-in-law a humanitarian mission, you are never going to win her over. [P6]
• 
  
• Jon Gosselin will countersue TLC for $5 million, proving yet again that shamelessness is not a terrible financial strategy. [Radar]
• 
  
• Speaking of the financial value of shamelessness: Accused Letterman blackmailer Joe Halderman is asking friends and co-workers to contribute to his legal fund. He's got $50K so far, needs at least $200K, and would have had $2 million if only that old perv had coughed up the dough and kept his mouth shut. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Page Six has more on Jho Low, the mysterious Malaysian club king that everyone is talking about, but nobody will really dish on. Apparently Low "is a golden goose for nightclub owners, who are fiercely protecting his privacy." He regularly runs up six-figure Cristal tabs, and the decor for his 28th birthday at Caesars Palace included "bikini-clad party girls" and "caged lions and tigers." [P6]
• 
  
• Demi Moore looks insanely hot (albeit a touch anorexic) on the cover of W. She discusses being a cougar in the accompanying article: "I'd prefer to be called a puma," Ashton may be young but they have a "deep and old connection." Whatever, cradle robber. [PopSugar]
• 
  
• Sir Ian McKellen advocates the destruction of property in the fight for gay rights, saying the choice of whether to write a letter to your congressman or "go and break windows" is really a personal one. [P6]
• 
  
• Pamela Anderson is getting picky about the lighting she is photographed in, insisting on shadow-free ring flashes at a recent event in Miami. She's the Blanche Dubois of silicone-bolstered soft-core porn. [P6]
• 
  
• Robert Pattinson has raunchy B.O. Apparently there is an air of "bad personal hygiene hanging around him like the hum of four-day-old fish carcass from the kitchen bin," according to 3AM, which is officially my new favorite gossip source. The fetid actor admitted, "I dont know, my personal hygiene—it's so disgusting!" It is so depressing when teen heartthrobs are as clueless and gross as regular teens. [3AM]

• Chris Brown and Rihanna are doing the media equivalent of having a shouting match in the street. Except that in this instance they stop occasionally to tell passers-by that they have albums out soon, and that they're very reasonably priced and contain many excellent tracks. Brown, who doubtless didn't want to miss a publicity opportunity as great as beating the piss out of his girlfriend, has taped a 30-minute segment for MTV which will air tomorrow: the same day as Rihanna goes on 20/20 and after her two-parter with Diane Sawyer on ABC that starts today. He said the following, with a bit of illiteracy thrown in for good measure:

  My thoughts is like, ‘Why did it happen?', like ‘What was I thinking?', ‘What is wrong with you?'

  In totally unrelated news, probably, his album - which I am deliberately not naming - has been pushed up a week and will now be released at the start of December. Her album is out two weeks before. [NYDN]

• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have canceled their fight to the death at Radio City. The two men, who were slated to hit each other with chairs while screaming obscenities, have apparently claimed that the promoter over-hyped it as a "death-match faceoff." "This event ... was supposed to be a discussion between the two former presidents, and has been cancelled because it was not being billed as such by an overeager promoter," said Clinton spokesman Matt McKenna. Yes Matt, but were they going to wear spandex? What song was Clinton going to shadow-box his way out to the ring to? Was Hillary going to wear a bikini? [NY Post]
• Carrie Prejean's pastor is willing to forgive her for (allegedly) making a sex tape, says TMZ who clearly are not building up to releasing said sex tape. In opposite world. Pastor Darren Carrington from The Rock Church in San Diego told the site that "everyone is a work in progress." Let us know when she's done. [TMZ]
• Look, midgets are just funny OK? I know it's not nice to say, but it's true. Hence the popularity of Willow. Which is why the story about Verne 'Mini-Me' Troyer threatening to pop a cap in his ex-girlfriend's ass, according to a restraining order TMZ got, is amusing even though it features much personal tragedy. Sorry. [TMZ]
• Todd English, jilter of brides, ran away from photographers at Mr. Chow's 30th anniversary party. Wouldn't you? [P6]
• The News and the Post are gossip-arguing! Page Six says Madonna is supporting boyfriend Jesus Luz's DJ career and turned up to a party at the Standard to grind on the dancefloor. "She's been taking a more active role in promoting him," said someone described as "a spy." The News says, after a brief interview with Luz, that Madge isn't collaborating with him and that he didn't play any of her songs that night anyway. In keeping with today's theme: I demand a deathmatch between Neel Shah on P6 and whoever runs Gatecrasher these days. [P6, NYDN]
• More fighting! David Hasselhoff really does do drunk better than anyone. It seems like only yesterday since his last spectacular fall off the wagon. This week's effort is a humdinger (yes, I just wanted to use the word humdinger): he's been getting shitfaced and fighting with an old person in a Canadian casino. Three security guards had to step in and escort Michael Knight from the building. The best part? He was apparently back a few hours later. What? He got thirsty OK? [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman don't tweet! Because: "if you know what is going on inside somebody's head all the time, that's not a good place." Perhaps her insight into the mind of Tom Cruise scarred her for life. [TMZ]

[Image via Getty]

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

• Poor Sarah Palin! The former Alaska governor wants to charge $100,000 for speaking gigs, but sources say many lecture circuits think she's nothing more than a "blithering idiot" and don't want to shell out the bucks. [Page Six]

  
  

• How far they fall: Eddie Furlong's wife Rachael Kneeland filed a restraining order against the Terminator 2 star. She claims he "grabbed me, bruised me, pushed me, made threats of more violence" and smokes cocaine like a mad man. [TMZ]

  
  

• A medical examiner has officially ruled on suicide in DJ AM's death. It was an "accidental overdose." Still sad, though. [NYDN]

  
  

• Meghan McCain doesn't have the highest opinion of journalists: I am pretty much completely disillusioned with journalists after my time... I think all of it's bad." Wait, don't you write for Daily Beast? [Mediaite]

  
  

• Who knew so many people would want to see Jude Law and Hugh Jackman in the flesh? Their new play, A Steady Rain, broke Broadway's record for single tickets sold in a week. [Reuters]

  
  

• Ew! U2's current tour costs a little over $750,000 each day. And, despite Bono's Earth-friendly ways, a lot of that goes to the 200 trucks that transport equipment, lights and food. [The Sun]

  
  

• Madonna wants to get her embryonic boyfriend, Jesus Luz, DJ gigs at East Village bars, including homosexual establishment Eastern Bloc. [Page Six]

  
  

• Penelope Cruz can't — or won't — say if she prefers kissing Scarlett Johansson or Charlize Theron. They are both, she says, "pretty beautiful partners." Also, she won't say if she's having Javier Bardem's baby. [Vanity Fair]

  
  

• Let's all pray for Gwen Stefani, for some evil robbers tried to break into her mansion while she was in Singapore. Tragic. [NYDN]

  
  

• Conan O'Brien made fun of Newark, New Jersey, last week, and now the city's mayor, Cory Booker, has posted a YouTube "banning" him from the city's airport, which is basically like telling someone they can't eat glass. That place sucks. [NY Post]

  
  

• BBC executives chided gay comedian Graham Norton for making fun of lesbian haircuts. [Daily Mail]

  
  

• So, Diddy's leaving Warner Bros. for Interscope, but WB won't let him take all of his Bad Boy artists, so he's going to have to find new talent. Good thing he has a billion MTV shows that revolve around that very concept. [Page Six]

  
  

• Oscar-winning Pulp Fiction writer Roger Avary was sentenced to one-year in jail yesterday for a DUI accident in which his passenger died. [MSNBC]

Well, it's not bad, per se, but it's not necessarily great either. It follows the familiar Madge pattern of ripping off current street culture, thrusting and simulating masturbation, and singing about partying. Boyfriend Jesus Luz has a cameo where he plays DJ while M strips him tries to suck the life force out of him, but he doesn't show off his turntable badness like we thought he would. Luckily producer Paul Oakenfold is nowhere to be found.

What we're left with is a herky jerky M'Dollar showing off her pilates moves next to a bunch of more gifted dancers showing off some crazy stunts. A solid B-, but considering that another single from a greatest hits album, "Justify My Love," was banned by MTV and started a nation debate, this one had a lot to live up to.

Today, Popeater got a hold of fifteen seconds of the video for her new single "Celebration," the title track off her upcoming best-of collection. In it, we see Luz playing DJ, which is life's ambition. He looks over and sees a fat man dancing awkwardly. That man is DJ Paul Oakenfold, who produced the track. This happens again, and it's over.

Seriously, when the camera cuts away to Oakenfold, it's like the point in a Saturday Night Live skit where they cut from a real video to show one of their actors doing a funny impersonation. Oakenfold has this look on his face like a pile of soggy oatmeal and his dancing looks more like he's trying to keep a hula hoop from falling and he's failing. And why is he even in this. He's not hot like Madonna's man toy, and it's not like anyone outside of an Ibiza discotheque would recognize him anyway. It's all just bad—and even the party raging around Jesus looks pretty weak.

We pray to all that is holy that this teaser is really some elaborate ruse and in two weeks M will unveil some gorgeously ornate cinematic gem along the lines of "Express Yourself". Even this mediocre track deserves better.

Jesus Te Ama. Geddit? Question: given the popularity of the name Jesus in many parts of Latin and South America, wouldn't its joke potential be pretty worn out by now? Apparently somebody expects these double-entendres to still sell tee shirts.

And in case you thought that was a fluke, have another pun! That's a cross necklace right there. I wonder why they just didn't paint on a bleeding sacred heart?


Jesus is an even less convincing shadow boxer than Amber Rose.


There's something creepy and objectifying about the topless blonde model whose face is nearly obscured by her hair in the one shot, and only used for parts in the other. Also, those pants are the least flattering garment to wrap around the lower half of a natural born female since the summer everyone was wearing those awful stretchy jersey culottes.


Pun! And in case you forgot why that mug is supposed to be funny, Jesus tattooed his name there just for you. I wonder which people regret more: tattooing their own names on themselves, or tattooing someone else's?


All images via Made in Brazil

This Is Just What Happens When Steven Klein Or Tom Munro Are Not In Charge [Made In Brazil]

• Whatever you do, don't make any sushi jokes around Jeremy Piven — he's sort of sensitive to them. Chris Kattan found this out backstage at a taping of Alexa Chung's MTV series. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• British actor/sissy-boy Robert Pattinson is so afraid of New York women that he's spending his idle time hanging out in bars in Long Island City, just to avoid being recognized by girls in Manhattan. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson has finally been laid to rest at a cemetery in the Hollywood Hills, but the Jackson family is refusing to make the exact location public out of fear that someone might try to steal his body or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel hates Gwyneth Paltrow, so much so that she said Gwyneth makes her want to staple her eyelids shut. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Madonna's fetus fuck-toy, Jesus Luz, has decided that he's tired of modeling and is stretching his wings to try to become a prefessional DJ. This sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kyra Sedgwick says that being ripped off by Bernie Madoff has forced she and Kevin Bacon to embrace the "simpler things" in life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mariah Carey, feeling pressured by Whitney Houston's new release, is said to be feeling enormous anxiety about finishing up her new album. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's something different: Terri Irwin issued a denial that Steve Irwin's remains were fed to a crocodile in Australia after his death. [Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham looked ridiculously skeletal when she showed up for her debut as a judge on American Idol. She was also criticized by the show's staff for being wooden and too nice. [Daily Mail]

• The cougar to end all cougars is on the prowl again as Kim Cattrall is single after dumping her boyfriend of five years. She is a man-eater and we are oh so willing to be devoured! [EOnline]
  
  
• Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith want everyone to know that they do lots of boning. They get it on all over the place. They will bone in your bed if you don't keep an eye on them. So, just so you know, they are married and neither of them is gay and they nail each other all the time. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chace Crawford is finally moving out of Ed Westwick's pad and getting a place of his own down in the financial district. [Daily News]
  
  
• Megan Fox is looking for a new pad in the Los Angeles area in the 2 to 3 million dollar range. For now she continues to shack up with David Silver. [Daily News]
  
  
• The LAPD is investigating the death of Michael Jackson as a homicide and they are focusing their investigation on Dr. Ronald Murray. [TMZ]
  
  
• Guy Ritchie came back into the picture and Madonna kicked Latin boy toy Jesus Luz to the curb. Maybe he and Carlos Leon can get coffee together and talk sometime. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lance Bass, who went to space camp as a kid and attempted to become a Russian astronaut or something a few years back, is holding fast to his dream of traveling into outer space. [Daily News]
  
  
• Is Penelope Cruz pregnant with Javier Bardem's baby? Page Six seems to think so, all because of what they see as a bit of an obvious "baby bump." [Page Six]
  
  
• After spending much of the past decade living the crackhead lifestyle, Whitney Houston has cleaned up remarkably well. [Daily Mail]

• Rihanna was photographed leaving the apartment of Kanye West, who just broke up with his girlfriend. No word on whether or not Kanye left Rihanna an all-caps note on the bathroom mirror the next morning. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Madonna's alleged young Latin boy-toy, Jesus Luz, claims that she is nothing more than just his good friend. Ouch. [Daily News]
  
  
• Mike Tyson's daughter Exodus was playing around on a treadmill in the family home when she became accidentally tangled up in an electric cord attached to the machine. She is now on life support in an Arizona hospital. [Daily News]
  
  
• Brooke Shields wishes that she wouldn't have waited so long to get her freak on, having waited until she was 22 before giving up her virginity, largely because of low self-esteem. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Kevin Bacon, fresh from getting fleeced by Bernie Madoff, had his Blackberry stolen on the subway over the weekend. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss announced that she wants to be a novelist when her career as a model comes to an end. Should be a pretty easy transition, no? [UK Sun]
  
  
• Keifer Sutherland, fresh from an incident where he head-butted a fashion designer in a fit of boozy rage, is back on the bottle again, this time getting sloshed on the Lower East Side, with his daughter no less. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mel Gibson's rep confirmed yesterday what we all pretty much already know—-That he'd knocked up one of his Russian mistresses and that his life is a big bag of shit right about now. [People]
  
  
• Kylie Minogue is engaged to a 31 year-old Spanish male model [Perez]
  
  
• A host of celebrities went out to the Hamptons over the holiday weekend, where they did all of the things that celebrities typically do in the Hamptons—-Party and get naked. [Page Six]

• Mel Gibson got mistress Oksana Grigorieva pregnant (third item), his wife is telling her friends, supposedly, and the friends think this is why she suddenly filed for divorce after a two-and-a-half-year separation. It also explains why Mel Gibson the other night took the mistress to the premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, about the birth of a freak never accepted by society, and thus the perfect date for a married fundamentalist Catholic and the woman he knocked up, who is also married, to someone else.
  
• Lindsay Lohan is apparently just straight taking her 15-tear old sister Ali out drinking or coking or whatever "partying hard" means. You know, generally Ronsoning around town with her and also dressing her up in "really skimpy" outfits and basically dragging her into the abyss of nasty, late-stage celebrity hedonism and self destruction, a life of emptiness and impulse and fur theft, denial and screaming matches, tears on nightclub bathroom floors and wailing in the gutters of New York under a bleak early-morning sky. Good times. [P6]
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker has entrusted her unborn twins to a tattooed bisexual rocker in Ohio. After the birth they'll probably go shoe shopping together in New York and bond over raspberry cosmos, girl talk and mani/pedis. Oh, why not. [Sun]
  
• Rihanna's Louis Vuitton extreme-heeled lace-up boots gave her the superhuman ability to tower over and dominate Kylie Minogue at a party the other night. Why is exactly why Madonna was so not going to let Rihanna show up to the Costume Gala in them.
  
• After getting tired of screaming things at her Brazilian manservant/toy Jesus Luz v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, Madonna finally decided to spring for English lessons. [Daily Star]
  
• Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow broke up over her desire to immediately have kids, he says. [P6]
  
• Meryl Streep is going to do a 30 Rock cameo. Is it asking too much to hope for some thinly-veiled Anna Wintour jokes? [ET]

• Jesus Luz escaped Madonna's clutches to walk the catwalk at a fashion show and save some more money with which to eventually buy his freedom. But none of the other models would talk to the Brazilian newcomer, out of jealousy, and instead "were gossiping like catty girls" about how they hated him, so Luz hung his head and walked home to a cackling roundtable of Madonna and her friends Marc Jacobs and Donatella Versace, who each now own a piece of him. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's former bodyguard is contemplating a tell-all book, leaving the couple and their Hollywood friends to wonder what America even stands for if their servants can just TALK about how awfully they were treated and the terrible things they saw, with no repercussions, other than ruinous prosecution by the best lawyers and private investigators money can buy. [Scoop]
  
• Lindsay Lohan went to Hawaii to get over her breakup with Samantha Ronson and have paparazzi ogle "her protruding ribcage and collarbone." For some reason she brought her mother Dina, who encouraged Lohan to "eat more McDonald's," because that's what you eat when you're putting your health first. [Sun]
  
• Two of the Real Housewives of New Jersey have a father-in-law who was in the mob. The show will be postponed indefinitely as viewers and really the entire nation reel in shock at this unexpected mafia connection within Real Housewives of New Jersey. [National Enquirer]
  
• Prom is the latest vehicle through which precocious Dakota Fanning will steal hearts (and/or be a total diva).
  
• A generator went out during Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag's latest "wedding," rendering the animatronic reality-show couple awkwardly frozen for a prolonged period of time. [P6]

• Were you one of the two high school boys commenting on Kate Winslet's "big, hot booty" while she walked down 6th Avenue in workout gear? If you were, she wasn't paying attention to you. Because she's British, and a lady, and so you'd need to say "madam, what a fine rear end" to get a wink and a "you cheeky monkey" outta her. [P6]
• The Madonna-witch, still healing from broken spirits after her steed recognized her wickedness and threw her off its back, is being kept company by her man-child lover, Jesus Luz. Aside from the irony of a guy named Jesus hanging around with this devilish creature, the story is notable because Luz keeps getting work from slobbering designers like Marc Jacobs and Dolce & Gabbana not because of his cocoa bean good looks, but because they're all doing favors, sacrifices you might call them, for the Madonna-witch. Luz needs work permits to stay in the country, and I guess fashion modeling counts as work. Sigh. [P6]
• Hugh Grant, who is near about fifty years old, was seen hanging out at a 23-year-old model's birthday party, along with other guests like the bewigged twinks from Gossip Girl. In other news, Divine Brown has been named the prime minister of France. [NYDN]
• OooOOooO. Robert Pattinson, the shimmerfop from the Twiddlytwinkle vampire series, got into acting because his father once nudged him as pretty girls walked into a local theater and said "You've got to go to that." CreeEEeppYyy. [NYDN]
• Casey Aldridge, the 18-year-old father of Britney Spears' niece, Maddie the Baptist, was in a car wreck over the weekend, and is recovering at a Mississippi hospital. The story is apparently that he was at a buddy's bachelor party and then some friends decided to go "crabbing"—in the middle of the night—and at some point he ran his pickup off the road and it flipped over. Oddly enough, when first responders arrived at the scene they found a duffel bag full of clothes, a large wad of twenty dollar bills and a map of Mexico in the glove compartment, and a fading hopeful gleam in the boy's eye. [People]
• Ocotolady has been spending her time well, getting a tattoo dedicated to her 136 children rather than tending to her 136 children. It's an "angel with 14 stars and an infinity symbol" kind of tattoo, just like the ones Puerto Rican transsexuals get in prison. [Us]
• Spencer and Heidi's wedding was "amazing". Hasn't that word lost all meaning at this point? People use it all the time now. How could Heidi and Spencer's wedding, in which the reality star lady was draped in one million dollars worth of diamonds, be "amazing"? We need a new word for what Heidi and Spencer's wedding was. I suggest "fluorbolical". [Us]

• Gwyneth Paltrow tried to post a blind item on her Goop.com, not realizing that when people know you're half of the blind item, it's pretty easy to figure out the other half. People are reasonably sure Paltrow's ex-roommate Winona Ryder is the "frenemy who... was pretty hell-bent on taking me down." [P6]
• Jesus Luz, Madonna's Brazilian model and double rebound partner, reunited with the singer at a New York restaurant and shared a car after. He also landed a slot in Dolce & Gabbana's fall-winter men's wear campaign. Yes, we're stuck with him.
  
• When Kevin Spacey finds himself in the secret back room of a shoe store, he watches Kill Bill with his buddies. Uh, perhaps that is one element of what goes on. Sure. [P6]
• A 26-year-old woman in camouflage fatigues was arrested for peeping into Britney Spears' windows. The best part is she was initially asked to leave, but balked. Who do you security people think you are? [Us]
• The woman who was supposedly sleeping with Bruce Springsteen denied that she's been sleeping with Bruce Springsteen. But the pair do work out together, supposedly. Raising eyebrows! Because it's not like seeing Bruce Springsteen work out at your gym with anyone would raise eyebrows. It takes a harlot. [P6]
  
• Rihanna may have texted Chris Brown about his purported new girlfriend. He wrote back, "it's none of your business." Which is true. More of a case for social services. [Scoop]

• There are videos of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex, Star magazine claims, and Rihanna's supposedly worried about Brown releasing them. Justifiably so. Also, belatedly so. [Star]
• Holly Peterson is the billion-heiress socialite who wrote a book about a woman who cheats on her workaholic, money-obsessed husband with The Manny, her male nanny. She just split from her husband — a partner at Goldman Sachs — after 15 years of marriage. Supposedly it's more amicable than things were in her book, where the wife found the husband revolting. [P6]
• Madonna doesn't like it when her 22-year-old Brazilian boyfriend has cell-phone conversations in her presence, even with his family. But she loves to call everyone constantly. As a compromise, she recently began allowing him "emergency" calls, and loosened his leash. [Mail]
  
• Page Six is claiming Vogue's André Leon Talley was spotted eating "chimichangas at Chili's" at LAX. Hysterical libel-suit threats in three, two... [P6]
  
• Marc Jacobs' engagement to Brazilian advertising executive Loranzo Martone has supposedly been confirmed by a second news outlet. 47th time's the charm when it comes to engagement rumors? [Us]
  
• Amid rumors she's planning to move away from New York, Mariah Carey is said to have offered $125 million for a mansion in the west Los Angeles neighborhood of Holmby Hills, which abuts Beverly Hills. Five acres, 15 bedrooms, made of limestone and comes with a library you don't even have to buy books for, because it's pre-stocked. Perfect! [Hollyscoop]

• Nadya Suleman said in her first RadarOnline videoblog that her older six kids attacked a picture of her newest eight kids. The tykes are slapping her, as well. At least when she wears the wrong colors. [Scoop]
• Rihanna and her reported batterer Chris Brown must really be trying to reconcile, because her family is flipping out. Sean Combs is hosting the pair, since a disturbing young couple in need (of a place to hide from public shame) is a disturbing young couple indeed. [People]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes went to dinner with fellow actor John Lithgow and his wife Mary Yeager. Holmes was crazy in a catatonic way; Tom was crazy in manic way. As usual with the couple. You crazy Operating Thetans, you! [Gatecrasher]
• The Brazilian dumped by young model Jesus Luz so he could date Madonna is not at all bitter, especially if not being bitter will get her own model pictures in the papers. [Mail]
• How good was Elton John's Oscar party? "Vomiting for days" good, raves one guest. [P6]
• At "21," Chelsea Clinton supposedly sent back a birthday cake because she and her father Bill are allergic to chocolate. Really? [P6]
• BREAKING: Peaches Geldof was "outclassed" somewhere. (This time it was a fashion event where she wore a "simple cream sheath over black tights" more appropriate for "a casual night out with friends.") [Mail]
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson like to travel, so they can have screaming breakup fights in new and exciting locations. Tear-stained floor of a London nightclub, anyone? [London Paper]

OK!
"Face To Face."
Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will finally see each other on February 21, at the night-before-the-Oscars party. The rest of this article recounts every time since January 2005 (when Jen and Brad split) that these two could have seen each other, but didn't. A psychoanalyst who does not treat Jen says Jen should bring John [Mayer] to the showdown, because it will make her more confident. "It's common for a woman who goes to a party by herself to feel insecure. But when a woman has a date, she feels loved, special and socially secure." Wow, how positively modern. Next: A story called "Jessica Indulges In Love!" is about Ms. Simpson's Valentine's Day weekend. She went to Serendipity 3 in New York, and a spywitness says she and Tony shared a sundae the size of her head. Everyone is watching what she eats! Lastly, from an "exclusive" interview with Giuliana Rancic from E! News: Eleven years ago, she underwent surgery for scoliosis. "My doctor put two rods in my back. I have a scar from my neck all the way down my back to my behind." This is notable because the magazine Photoshopped the scar out of the picture in which she is proudly showing it off. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (herniated disc)

Life & Style
"Leave Him."
No one who works with Rihanna thinks she is just going to walk away from Chris Brown. She's been talking on the phone with his mom. A psychiatrist who does not treat Rihanna says "I think relationships do sometimes recover, even from episodes of domestic abuse." Ugh! The magazine prints this sentence: "Rihanna may need friends and family to back off." Says a Rihanna insider: "The thing that's hurting her worst of all right now is the pressure she's getting from her management and family to write Chris off. You've got to remember after she left the hospital, she met up with him at the hotel. She's not ready to leave him." Oy. Moving on: Britney is tired of keeping her feelings to herself, so she's turning her "private diaries" into a book. She's been filling notebooks with poems, thoughts, feelings, song lyrics and letters that she never sent. She started when her marriage to K-Fed was ending. An insider says, "These notebooks read like a story, and Britney still has all of them." Another "Jen is gonna meet Angie" story! This one has a sidebar suggesting that Brad and Angie "dissed" Jen on her birthday; apparently she invited Brad and Angie to her 40th birthday but they were traveling at the time. Next: An interview with Jennifer Gimenez from Sober House talks about how she was using an eight ball of coke a day at the height of her addiction, and it was fueled by people telling her she was too fat when she was a model. Lastly: This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Which Stars Have The Most Requested Features?" Scarlett Johansson's cleavage, Kate Moss's cheeks and Angelina Jolie's eyes are popular. Dr. Rey suggests thousands of dollars in surgery to get these looks!
Grade: D- (pinched nerve)

In Touch
"Get Out."
Inside the magazine, this story is titled "Get Out Of My House," and it's about how Angelina is "livid" that Brad wants his parents to come and help with the kids while Angie is filming her movie in New York. At no point in the story does Angelina say "get out" or does anyone claim that she wants Brad to leave. False advertising! Anyway, Brad's mom and dad will live with them in the Hamptons for a while, since, according to a source, "Brad and Angelina don't even know how to turn on an oven." The mag prints the headline: "Uh-oh, Jen's Moving To New York Too!" because the city is not big enough for two women and one Brad Pitt. Next: John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston went to the Bahamas and on Valentine's day, they did not leave their villa at all. Sexy sexy sex! Mischa Barton is "skin and bones." Her face is "gaunt" with sunken cheeks (Fig. 2). Is it because magazines and bloggers mocked her cellulite (Fig. 3)? Moving on: The "Jake Is Ready To Propose" item says that Mr. Gyllenhaal spent four hours looking at jewelry for Reese Witherspoon. (Us claims he bought earrings.) You know how Usher's wife was in Brazil for liposuction? Usher didn't know about her surgery. "No one knows if she wanted to surprise him with her new figure, or whether she knew she'd be upset about leaving their sons to have a procedure done," a source spills. Also: Rihanna is "picking up the pieces" because Chris was not just her boyfriend but her best friend. "She hates Chris, but still loves him at the same time," an insider says. They have spoken a few times since the incident and relayed messages back and forth through a friend. Meanwhile, there's another story about weight: "Stars Feel Pressure To Be Skinny." (Fig 4.) Oh, and "Kellie Pickler Looks So Different." (Fig. 5) Botox at 22? Lastly: The best thing about the Madonna/Jesus Luz story is the box letting you know where Jesus was at different points in Madonna's career. For instance: When she was in A League Of Their Own, he was five (Fig. 6).
Grade: D (sciatica)

Us
"Octo Mom's Dark Secrets."
In a paid interview from the UK, Nadya Suleman says she hasn't had sex in eight years and when she was growing up, her parents had separate bedrooms and "stayed in the marriage" for her. The mag talks to a neighbor who says, "I asked her once if she was a virgin and she said she's not." Sorry? You asked your neighbor what? According to legal documents, Suleman had a boob job when she was 18. The story goes on for 8 pages, and includes stuff you don't want to know, like maybe Suleman was depressed after her back injury and didn't want to have sex with her husband, which led to their divorce. But by talking to The Sun and The Daily Mail, she made about $227,000. Which is what, three weeks of diapers and food for 14 kids? The president of TLC confirms that the channel has been in touch with Suleman, but says, "We are still watching this story evolve." In other words, if she's actually cuckoo for cocoa puffs and everyone hates her, we won't give her a show! Next: Angela Kinsey, who plays Angela on The Office and had a baby in May, has separated from her husband of eight years. She won't be able to avoid the family, because his brother, Paul Lieberstein, also stars on The Office. Lastly: "How Rihanna's Coping" claims that Rihanna has been telling everyone she is sorry, even though it's not her fault. A source says that Chris and Rihanna had broken up a week before the incident. During the relationship, Chris used to make little insults when Rihanna's hair wasn't done, and make fun of her accent. He tried to make her jealous by laughing in her presence over inside jokes with Jordan Sparks. Chris choreographed a dirty dance with Ciara for the BET awards in 2008, and afterward, Rihanna was all, "What the hell was that?" Chris said: "You can be replaced."
Grade: D+ (neck crick)

Star
"I Still Love Him!"
A friend says Rihanna knows there is another side to Chris Brown, a "kinder, gentler" side, and right now, she loves and misses that man. An insider says she's already forgiven Chris for the "misunderstanding," as she puts it, and has reached out to Chris with numerous texts and phone calls. But! The mag obtained text messages from a woman named Tiffany — sent by Chris Brown the night before Chris and Rihanna performed at Madison Square Garden in December. Tiffany walked past Chris and his posse on the street, and Chris sent a posse member over. Phone numbers were exchanged. Chris called and said, "I'm at the London Hotel, do you want to hang out?" Tiffany got nervous. She texted him: Can I bring my sister? Chris wrote back, "Yeah, is she single?" Tiffany let Chris know that she had a boyfriend but that her sister was indeed single, and Chris wrote: "When u come here, all that doesn't matter." Star traced the phone number and it is registered to Chris Brown's production company! Next: Rachel Zoe is very thin (Fig.7). Rachel McAdams is practically living in Josh Lucas's NYC apartment. Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are engaged. Jessica Simpson asked her Dukes Of Hazzard trainer to help her monitor her diet, but she's having trouble sticking to the 1250 calorie a day regimen (um, because that's not enough to live on?). The magazine writes: "Jessica's most recent violation was indulging in the terrible trio of chicken wings, nachos and booze." An insider says: "She can't resist junk food. She literally needs to be watched 24/7." Or left alone!?!?! Blind item: "Which aging action hero borrows from his wife's underwear drawer? His newly slim frame is all thanks to Spanx! He wears the ladies' hose under his designer suits." Awesome story of the week: "Ellen and Portia: It's Baby Time!" The mag actually prints this sentence: "First came love, then came marriage. Now Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are ready for the baby carriage." Apparently Ellen has given Portia the greenlight to get IVF. Ellen's brother Vance may donate sperm! "They'd love to have a boy," says an insider. Moving on: Britney will be making money again when she goes on her Circus tour, which is good news to the more 100 people (!!!) on her payroll. She spends the bulk of her earnings on her staff, treating them to manicures, massages and clothes. But! A spy sez: "Sometimes Brit wonders why she has to pay her dad. Because there are days when all he does is watch sports and make pie." Her dad gets $200,000 a year for being the conservator of her estate; her mom gets $180,000 for being her mom. Next there's yet another story about Mischa Barton being "Skin And Bones." Apparently Mischa told someone she wants her bones to stick out. She barely eats and she's taking diet pills, claims a "friend." Nicole Richie and Rachel Zoe are friends again, which freaks out Joel Madden, who blames Rachel for Nic's drastic dieting. Lastly: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift were making fun of people backstage at the Grammys. A source says they "seem sweet, but can act like snotty little brats." Miley's mom and dad bicker nonstop at home; and Miley's boyfriend/aspiring singer Justin Gaston, who lives with them, walks around in his underwear, which upsets Billy Ray. A spy says: "Justin recently devoured an entire apple pie that Billy Ray was looking forward to eating when he got home!"
Grade: C (sore shoulders)

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