• Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson is under arrest for grand theft after stealing fancy clothes and baubles from a supermodel ex. NYP reports, "the thief stole jewelry, shoes, 600 pages of a legal document, clothing—even her underwear. The thief also left a bizarre calling card—a used vibrator was found in her bed and a wet towel was on the floor." Casey was apprehended after on-again off-again girlfriend Courtenay Semel texted victim Jasmine Lennard some troubling news: "There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear." Lennard appears to be of sexuality: opportunistic, judging by myriad photos of a scantily clad Lennard clinging to the arms of well-dressed octogenarians (and Simon Cowell?). Point being: I am so ready for Casey Johnson's made-for-TV movie. [NYP]
• 
  
• "Party Girl History of Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress Surfaces." Here's what I learned: (1) Rachel Uchitel is a professional starfucker. She promotes high-end Vegas and NYC clubs including Tao, Marquee, and Stanton Social, and is tasked with scoring celebrity appearances (2) She went on at least one date with Will.i.Am (3) Her mother is a Palm Beach socialite with a condo next door to Rudy Giuliani's. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Speaking of Uchitel, HuffPo has an enlightening slideshow of "Gloria Allred's Women." The famed lawyer to tabloid-bait females (Bill Clinton harassee Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson's fam) has been hired by Uchitel. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Richard Gere may be fined up to $50,000 for chopping down 200 trees in his Westchester estate without acquiring a permit. Deforestation without paper work is a no-no in the Bestchester, and even "very popular" Little League dads are not immune. [P6]
• 
  
• Speaking of Tiger Woods, oddsmakers are having a field day with a sports star scandal. Odds are that he'll buy his wife an expensive ring (+500), admit to having an affair (+275), get a divorce (+250), and/or was drunk at the time (+200). Odd that he stays with his wife are worse. (-150) [TMZ]
• 
  
• Heidi Klum and Seal's baby daughter had her photographic debut in a classy black-and-white pic on her parents' website. Lou Samuel is as photogenic as you'd imagine, and has a shocking amount of hair. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jennifer Aniston is helping promote her yoga trainer's DVD, and there's a Self magazine tie-in, too, because uptight women who wake up at 5AM to do yoga and study techniques for non-bulky ab sculpting in Self are the only fans sad Jen left. [P6]
• 
  
• Shaquille O'Neal's wife moved to L.A. and, days later, filed for divorce, a clever move that is perhaps related to California's even-steven division of assets and alimony laws. Shaq, however, isn't having it, and filed papers to force the legal proceedings back to Florida, where Shaq lives and Shaunie used to. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, and Jimmy and Nancy Fallon, went on a double date for brunch. Too cute. [P6]
• 
  
• The thorn in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's side is back: The woman who claims Hasselbeck plagiarized her book has refiled charges, after her first suit was tossed out earlier this month. The lady says her suit against The View's co-host was tossed out on a technicality, which she has now fixed it. I'm torn on how to react to this news: On the one hand, Hasselbeck is annoying and unoriginal, so the suit feels right. On the other, someone who refiles near-identical lawsuits repeatedly doesn't sound so great, either. I hate it when I don't know who to cheer for. [TMZ]
• 
  

The Jay Leno Show - Martha Stewart, Ludacris

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien - Jon Hamm, Freestyle Motocross Athletes, Cobra Starship featuring Estelle (Repeat from 8/11/09)

Late Show with David Letterman - Kristin Davis, Barry Sonnenfeld (Repeat from 10/8/09)

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Seth Meyers, Chris Paul, Landon Pigg (Repeat from 9/22/09)

Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ted Danson, Christopher Miller & Phil Lord (Repeat from 9/25/09)

Jimmy Kimmel Live - Edward Norton, Paul Shaffer, the Sounds

The Colbert Report - Jerry Mitchell (Repeat from 10/15/09)

Daily Show with Jon Stewart - Jennifer Burns (Repeat from 10/15/09)

So, Leno—who still has a bitter rivalry with Letterman, even in a different time slot—clearly had to seize upon the opportunity to get at his former head-to-head rival. He looks to have enjoyed himself:

Jimmy Fallon got to take his first big shot at some of his Late Night competition. "There's a new book out called Why Women Have Sex that has a list of the 237 reasons why women have sex...and Letterman knows the top ten," he cracked. Skip to 3:03 for the magic moment.

And Bill Maher got one in, too. Via EW:

And on Real Time with Bill Maher, Maher said, "I've never had sex with members of my staff - the guests, yes, of course, but not the staff." He also said, "Hey, next to Roman Polanski and Mackenzie Phillips' dad, I think Dave looks pretty good."

Late night hosts: still assholes, all of 'em, except for Conan, who abstained, and Craig Ferguson, who taped on Thursday night. They almost could've done better, you know? It'd seem likely that the next best thing to a presidential scandal in the pantheon of inspiration for late night material should be another late night host's sex scandal. Guess not. In the great tradition of comedians roasting each other, you'd think they'd be able to produce something slightly better than Fallon's joke, of all people. And don't Maher and Leno's quotes—without reading too deeply into them—seem a little defensive? Either way, Letterman can't leave this thing looking too bad. He had to come clean and he did, though the truly surreal revelation that he didn't alert much of the production staff to what was about to happen just adds on to the strange nature of all of this. When's Paul Schaffer gonna freak the fuck out? That'll be the day.

I guess People offered the gang more money than they could get out of Late Night, but the magazine reportedly does briefly mention Fallon's reunion quest while still basically pretending the entire thing was its editors' own idea. But there is hope for Jimmy Fallon: the absence of Screech in People does bode well for an actual real full-on reunion on his show. And he has Mr. Belding, too!

And I'm not exactly sure why this exists, other than because of a desire on Tiffani's part to have her own viral video like her former co-star Mark Paul Gosselaar did when he appeared on Jimmy Fallon's show in character as Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell - but I'm a sucker for any Indigo Girls joke. And despite a little too much self-congratulation masked as self-parody (Funny Or Die's bread and butter these days), this does have its funny moments. Cat videos!:

MARKETING STRATEGY 1: Blackmail you into viewing its hour-long adver-show on Hulu:

Those Hulu users who watch the "Bing-a-thon" will receive a reward: the ability to watch TV shows or movies on hulu.com without commercial interruptions. (Yes, you have to watch a commercial to avoid watching other commercials.)

MARKETING STRATEGY 2: Have product snickered at by television's least funny late night host:

For instance, the segments on "Late Show" will present Mr. Fallon as a quiz master, asking contestants to use bing.com to search for answers to questions in categories like travel, health and shopping.
" ‘Bing' sounds like a Jimmy Fallon word," Mr. Silverman said, laughing.

Here's another Jimmy Fallon word: Shut Up. Google it.
[NYT]

That's a question we've been asking ourselves a lot over the last few days. We love Letterman. We also love Conan. We've never really been forced to confront this sort of dilemma previously. In the past the question of who to watch at 11:35 was a no-brainer—-Johnny Carson was the only show in town during his era, and Letterman was always matched up against Leno, his comedic antithesis in just about every way, so usually we watched Letterman on CBS at 11:35 and then switched over NBC to catch Conan at 12:37. It was all so fantastically fine.

But now there's this new thing and we don't know quite what to do. This is like that time Hulk Hogan squared off against Andre The Giant for the WWF title when we were kids—-We didn't know who the hell to pull for!

We can, however, take solace in knowing that we aren't the only ones confused by all this. New York has a feature in their new issue by Sam Anderson addressing the same subject.

Now we have to adjust to a new binary: Letterman versus Conan. (Leno will take his show to prime time, where he enters into a new binary with a bunch of sausage-grinder franchises like Law & Order and CSI.) On the surface, Letterman-Conan is infinitely less dramatic than Letterman-Leno; the intensities have all dropped out of the equation. They are not peers-when Letterman started his first late-night show, O'Brien was at Harvard studying Faulkner and writing Lettermanesque humor for the Lampoon. There's no obvious bad blood-Letterman was an early Conan supporter, and, just as Letterman once paid tribute to the retiring Carson ("Thanks for my career"), Conan spent much of his recent Late Night farewell speech gushing over Dave ("David Letterman invented this Late Night show … He set the bar absurdly high for everybody in my generation who does this"). Their stylistic differences will create very few rifts between friends and neighbors. Conan speaks fluently in the late-night language Letterman invented: cerebral non sequiturs; field trips in search of real-world absurdities; forays through the bowels of the studio to interrupt other shows. Both hosts morph into clingy nerds when faced with beautiful actresses. (Conan once screamed like a linebacker and threw his chair after Rebecca Romijn kissed him.) Conan is in many ways a mini-Letterman: tall, lanky, red-haired, stunty, smart. If Letterman-Leno felt like a decades-long slow-motion death match, Letterman-Conan threatens to be its opposite: sweet, cute, possibly even boring.

The most tantalizing possible outcome of the Letterman-Conan binary is that it will force Letterman, at this late stage in the game, to get better. To stand out against the background of Jay, Dave just had to be Dave. To compete with a younger, hungrier version of himself, he might have to do more than that, for the first time in years. The similarities might turn out to be a blessing: Their stunts will cross-pollinate, their jokes will play against each other. To differentiate themselves, they may even have to launch an arms race of total absurdity.

We'd like to just state here and now that we have no issue whatsoever in "an arms race of total absurdity." In fact, we encourage it. Please fellas, indulge us. And as for who to watch, we suppose that we can just DVR one or both shows and watch one at 11:35 and the other at 12:37, because we usually have to be kinda stoned to get into Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon's show just, you know, fucking sucks.

Letterman vs. Mini-Letterman [New York]

• Page Six reports that Chace Crawford was running around in the Hamptons last weekend with Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Esti Ginzburg, who just couldn't stop sending him text messages all over the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• International fame seems to be getting to Susan Boyle, who went bonkers on two strangers in the lobby of a London hotel. Cops intervened, and a hysterically crying Boyle went off on them as well. [Sun]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin's brother and sister-in-law, seeking to be the "voice of our nieces and nephews," claim that she and Jon are exploiting their children for money, fame and ratings. Well DUH! [New York Post]
  
  
• Rihanna will steam up the screen in a new Kanye West video, wearing nothing but sexy lingerie that barely covers up her ample lady parts. Chris Brown will not be pleased. [Sun]
  
  
• Speaking of Chris Brown, he posted a video to YouTube saying "I ain't a monster" and that everyone is just telling lies and all those bruises on Rihanna's face were just the result of her slipping in the shower or something. [Daily News]
  
  
• Anna Wintour knows that Conde Nast is going to crap so she's been stepping out all over the place in the secret hope that Barack Obama will name her ambassador to Britain. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson is set to star in a new reality series where she travels the world in search of the real meaning of beauty. No, we're totally serious about this. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Here's one we didn't see coming...Eliza Dushku is apparently dating Rick Fox, Vanessa Williams' ex-husband. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar says that there will be a Saved By The Bell reunion on Jimmy Fallon's show in June. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Lance Bass spent Memorial Day weekend partying down at The Chelsea Hotel in Atlantic City. On a related note, we are so saddened that there's even a Chelsea Hotel in Atlantic City. [Guest of Guest]

CNN's Larry King is documenting your sexual harassment and doesn't have to take it, crazy View lady!

Jimmy Fallon took the fate of his iPhone way too personally.

Paul Carr edited our copy (someone should!).

The liberal mayor of San Francisco bragged about a new form of taxation he invented, and about handling butts. Typical.

The Telegraph's Edmund Conway was reduced to gibberish by his blogging system.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• Meghan McCain got into a spat with security at the White House Correspondents' Dinner because they wouldn't let her friend in without a ticket. And oh, she didn't really care for Wanda Sykes or the temperature in the room or the golden stable where they forced her to keep her pony during the event. (Daily News)
  
  
• Luke Russert was hired by NBC to blog and Twitter and be a "youth correspondent" and whatever and now he's just acting like a bratty 23 year-old who has no business having the job he has. Go figure! (Page Six)
  
  
• After 15 years, Jimmy Fallon finally has a college diploma. (Perez)
  
  
• Lily Allen's potty mouth has led to her being banned by the BBC. (UK Mirror)
  
  
• A woman has filed a restraining order to prevent Ryan O'Neal from begging her for phone sex while his wife, Farrah Fawcett, is dying. (Sun)
  
  
• Joan Rivers is unwavering in her belief that Annie Duke is a Nazi. (E Online)
  
  
• Alexandra von Furstenberg has been dating a much younger guy named...wait for it...Dax! (Page Six)

First, the inevitable viral Digital Short that happens when Justin Timberlake hosts: Timeberlake and Andy Samberg reunite for the "Dick In A Box" sequel, "Motherlover." Cameos from perennial MILF's Patricia Clarkson and Susan Sarandon, masterful comedy.

The show cold-opened with Will Forte as Tim Geithner in a relatively highbrow sketch about a banking stress test. Forte's Geithner impersonation wasn't perfect - or close, for that matter - but the jokes were both fairly topical and spot-on.

JT opened the show with the old standby I'm-Always-On-SNL shtick repeat hosts get to pull at some point. Typically, this is the kind of staid, old, boring shit SNL's writers lean on to devote energy towards other material that isn't funny, either. But: pair it with a musical bend and an effortlessly, ridiculously charismatic Timberlake, and it floats.

More cameos and Star Trek topicality on Weekend Update: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, and Leonard Nimoy. Finally, the stars get to slag on the fundamentalist fanboy Trekkies who're trashing the franchise's epic revitalization. Fun: watch Keenan Thompson break character at Nimoy's surprisingly decent comedic chops.

Finally, Jimmy Fallon pops in for another Barry Gibb Talk Show with Timberlake. Slightly meandering at times, but the overall effect of seeing (A) Fallon playing characters again and (B) anything that involves Justin Timberlake singing on the show plays well is a nice reminder of the glory days. It's too bad SNL has to keep dipping into the (fairly recent) past to unearth a quality hour of TV, but we'll take what we can get.

Presumably she actually wanted to go to the Met Costume Gala but was forced to settle for the more plebeian Time function. But now there is exactly one reason to attend! Seeing our beloved First Lady may help you get through the mugging of emcee Jimmy Fallon, who is taking any microphone offered him these days. (He will also be at the Webbies. The Webbies! That's even more embarrassing than attending the damn Ellies. Which Fallon hosted.)

So in our second installment of my singular video mission of getting The Roots to not only be house band for Fallon, but also America, and Gawker, we have ?uestlove discussing the paranormal depths of his magazine collection, Puffy's relationship to new media, and the sobering consequences of having a band-member who Tweets 100 times a day.

The Roots Interview Pt.2 from weekendvids on Vimeo.

Fallon's flack talks to P6 today about how the woefully inadequate replacement for Conan O'Brien was kicked out of NYC pizza joint Posto, but totally leaves out any mention of what one tipster told us was a "nice little fistfight" afterwards:

"they could not have been any ruder. The hostess who asked him to leave was seemingly gleeful about it. Jimmy is never going back to Posto," Fallon's rep told Page Six

Blah blah blah. The fight man, what about the fight? Fallon's been quiet about it on Twitter so far. But! Another tipster spotted him after the incident and pronounced his face shiner-free:

I saw Jimmy Fallon with his wife at JFK this morning (Sunday) at 6am. We were both online at American's First Class Check in. Other than being really tired, like all of us having to be there at that hour, I didn't notice any injuries or evidence of fight. I'm sure his travel/airline etc is checkable. I wrote this note only b/c I was amused by the coincidence of seeing him this morning and now reading the post (I'm in SF at the moment) ….

Fallon is indeed on vacation this week. So come out with it, Jimmy: what happened out there? Twitter it or email us at once, or you're scared. Playground rules. [Previously]

Just had my dining experience at Posto enhanced by the sight of JIMMY FALLON getting kicked out on his skinny butt...a nice little fistfight ensued...better call the makeup dept in early on Monday!

But: it's nice to see that Jimmy is filling the NY Media Personality Pugilist void created by the death of Steve Dunleavy.

Bottoms up!

What sort of monster could punch Jimmy Fallon right in his smug, snickering face? The hardly-amusing talk show host's own, be-twitted explanation was rather more prosaic:

# actually asked to leave a pizza place today
about 13 hours ago from web

# Posto on 2nd (they also own Gruppo and Vezzo)
about 13 hours ago from web

# carb face carol rude to my 2 year old niece and an 11 month old (sleeping) because they heard i didnt like the pizza there.about 13 hours ago from web

# crazy.
about 13 hours ago from web

Blah blah blah, then he goes on and on about it. So was there really a fistfight, and if so, was Jimmy Fallon kicking some serious ass, or what? We must get to the bottom of this important issue. Just Twitter about it, Jimmy. You know you want to.

The arch satirical news outlet ran a funny video on its site early this week, a report (from former CNN anchor Bobbie Batista!) that the Franz Kafka airport alienated its passengers with strange rules and surreal trips into the horrors of the mind. You know, like a Kafka story.

Fallon (or, more likely, someone on his writing staff) apparently just grazed that headline on some blog and wrote a joke that "it must be bad, because the second worst airport is the Hudson River." Har har. It's pretty clear that Fallon wasn't ripping off the Onion's joke because, um, he didn't seem to get it. But still, this is pretty sloppy, even for the puppyish newbie.

[via Dumb as a Blog]

See the clips below.

Onion News Network segment

Fallon clip (starts at 2:17)

Rose is a geek hero, famous first for his stint hosting a tech-focused TV show on Comcast's G4TV. Diggnation, an online video show where Rose and Albrecht drink beer and discuss popular headlines on Digg, Rose's social-news site, is the centerpiece of Revision3, Rose's online-video startup. Appearing on broadcast TV, though, is a high-water mark for this icon of geek culture.

While Rose has a burgeoning mini-media empire which has won him magazine covers, Albrecht has languished in relative obscurity — the "blond guy," as Fallon called him.

Which is why when we heard that Albrecht wanted out of his contract, we didn't dismiss the rumor out of hand. As lucrative as the Diggnation gig must be for what is, let's be honest, an excuse to drink in front of a camera, Albrecht could well be frustrated at being Rose's sidekick. (The job does have one perk, though: The ability to say scathing things about Rose and get away with it. Rose is a famously prolific dater whose brief entanglements have included egoblogger Julia Allison and L.A. TV personality Shira Lazar. Albrecht's comment at a party: Rose "has basically plowed through everybody.")

We asked Revision3 CEO Jim Louderback, who was also up late, what gives. "His agent hasn't complained to me," Louderback said. "Sounds like posturing." Posturing? You mean, the kind of crick one gets from perpetually playing second fiddle?

Here's the clip of Rose and Albrecht's appearance — watch closely, because if there's anything to this rumor, it might not be repeated:

• Despite what Dr. Phil was told, someone's shopping a tape of Octo-Mom giving birth, shot by one of Nadya Suleman's close friends. [TMZ]
• Octo-Mom to Dr. Phil on having her last batch of eight kids: "I wasn't thinking rationally. In retrospect, would I have done that again? I don't know." Having eight more kids while you're still alone and on food stamps with the first six? Ya, that's a tough one. [Us]
• Neel Shah reveals that yoga saved former hooker Ashley Dupre's life. In so doing, he does not once use the phrase "downward dog." Gawker's little intern is all grown up! [P6]
  
• Jeff Zucker likes to watch Jimmy Fallon play with his Wii. [Gatecrasher]
  
• The New York Times crossword editor used "WSJ" as the answer to the clue "Where to read about the [NYSE]." As punishment, he must somehow fit the answer "DealBook by Andrew Ross Sorkin" into one of his future puzzles.
• It's possible Chris Brown will win up to two "Kids' Choice" awards on Nickelodeon. OK, so someone finally devised a scenario that makes us favor uninformed voters and corrupt election officials. It doesn't mean we're over the Bush v. Gore ruling. [People]
  
• If everyone could stop arguing over which ladyfriend is or is not ultimately responsible for the apparently bloody fight between Chris Brown and Rihanna, that would be great. There's exactly one person responsible for Chris Brown's actions. [OK!]
• George Clooney was reportedly so drunk in St. Louis recently he could barely stumble to his hotel. Laugh at him now, and then the next time you're piss drunk realize you're just as bad, except also half as handsome. [Gatecrasher]

Inhuman, caffeine-fueled Gizmodo blogging machine Matt Buchanan broke down.

ABC's John Berman resisted the urge to dance.

Sun Myung Moon employee Christina Bellantoni got told by a Congressional aide.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon producer Gavin Purcell was very, very tired.

Formerly important editorial person Bonnie Fuller failed at Twitter. (140 characters max, Bonnie — but don't worry, even Google's CEO got that wrong.)

Anyone else's tweets we should keep an eye on? Send us more Twitter usernames, please — or email us your favorite tweets.