• Three months after giving birth, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is said to be pregnant. Everyone's freaking out, "pals are begging her to abort." If only there was a national political leader, preferably experienced with teen pregnancy, who could guide the celebrity family in these trying times. [National Enquirer]
• The boyfriend of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus might be 20 years old, but he's "a good kid," according to Cyrus' dad. He's "searching for the dream," whatever that might be. [People]
• Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are hoping groping each other in public will lead to a more meaningful reconciliation. Apparently "taking it slow" includes ass grabbing. Fair enough. [People]
• Is it really surprising to hear Angelna Jolie had a tummy tuck after giving birth to twins? The real question is whether she got the French government to pay for it. [Star]

Apparently during the meal fellow funny person Jonah Hill approached Silverman, who had seemed mostly cheerful up to that point. "Jonah's appearance definitely had an effect on her," said some sort of bystander. "They spoke for just a minute. And after he left, Sarah looked momentarily pensive." Oh dear. Sad clowns are the worst! It's too bad, too. For a second they were looking like the next Burns & Allen. Now I guess they're just... I dunno. Danson & Goldberg?

Here's the clip. (I know, I know... But I only learned how to embed YouTube vids. Dammit.) [via OhNoTheyDidn't]

1. Be first. True in gangbangs, true in parodies. If you're the first parody, no one else's joke is stinking up yours. Like Foucault said about controlling the narrative, "As the archaeology of our thought easily shows, that Craig Ferguson parody of Tom Cruise was the best."

2. Be hard and fast. Even though the Tom Cruise Constipation video came out soon after the original was leaked, it didn't break two million views because it was utter crap. Timing isn't everything.

3. Sketch not skit. Lorne Michaels used this rule on SNL. It's why his show isn't MAD TV. It's why the "Seth Rogen" song is funnier than "Matt Damon." It's why Ask A Ninja is a rehashed character that won't die, and Strong Bad from Homestar Runner is a dynasty. You can't keep doing the same gag forever.

4. One joke per sketch. But do keep it simple. Put in plenty of jokes of course, but stick to one overarching point. You'll need this for the next step.

5. Know when to stop. Everyone, everyone fails this. All Internet videos should be half the length they are. And so should most listicles.

Finally, here's the Seth Rogen video, in which actress Elizabeth Banks sings about some unpleasant steps to getting ahead in Hollywood.

Celebrities included in the video, according to Kimmel's people: Harrison Ford, Cameron Diaz, Don Cheadle, Robin Williams, Huey Lewis, Rebecca Romijn, Macy Gray, Pete Wentz, Dominic Monaghan, Joel and Benji Madden, Josh Groban, Christina Applegate, Meat Loaf, Perry Farrell, Lance Bass, Joan Jett and Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Plus a gospel choir and whoever the delivery man was — an unnamed "superstar."

• Late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel is, or will soon be, fucking Ben Affleck. Or at least he kind of wishes. [NYP]
• Actress Bai Ling arrested in saddest celebrity shoplifting case: $16 in batteries and magazines. [AP]
• Like the Cedars Sinai mental ward, Britney Spears' father can no longer control her insanity or voracious appetite for cash — at least according to Britney's lawyer. [Mirror]
• Ellen Page, the Juno girl, just signed to her third project in two months, some sort of psychological thriller, and could probably also do your job more efficiently and heart-warmingly if given the chance. [EW]
• Here's Victoria Beckham's room at the Waldorf-Astoria. [Faded Youth]
• Rapper Tony Yayo, an "associate" of 50 Cent, had a beef with another rapper and actually went after the guy's 14-year-old son. Because of a t-shirt the kid was wearing. Everything's fine, though, because Yayo will pay for his crime by gently helping teach people to read. [AP]

Being asked to apologize brings out the Human Nature-era Madonna in me. You know, "I'm naaaaaaaaat saaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeee, it's human nature/ I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me/I'm not apologizing!" However, I guess we are all doing this Blogger's Selichot thing today, and I might as well take my sins down to the water's edge and cast them away while I've got the opportunity. So here goes.

Sadly, she was talking about her OCD.

"I'm serious, I am such a germophobe. I would, like, Windex the pole," Devorah went on. We were standing huddled close in the backstage area of the Unruly Heir fashion show, and I couldn't help but brush up against Devorah's bust with my elbow. I commented on its firmness. "It's a bra," Devorah said, resenting my implication that her breasts weren't real. Turns out, Devorah Rose is a lot realer all over than I'd thought.

She's also a lot smarter than I'd thought, based on that help wanted ad she placed on Columbia's job board. You remember, the one where she said that she was looking for an intern with "a strong sense of grammer." It turns out that she had delegated the task of finding a new intern to the current intern. Bad mistake! "We had to threaten to sue them to finally get it taken down."

Being humiliated on the Internet was sort of a turning point for Devorah Rose. "I was so miserable and embarrassed for, like, a month, but then I eventually realized that if you put yourself out there and accomplish anything at all, especially online, you're inviting this into your life," she explained. "And then I felt better. I actually grew a thicker skin because of it. So, in a way, thank you."

"You're ... welcome," I told Devorah, realizing that what she'd just said is basically what I'd tell Jimmy Kimmel if he ever came up and started talking to me at a party.

Still, there's one thing I can't understand. Why is a self-professed "introvert" who loves the work of her profs Sam Lipsyte and Ben Marcus, and whose real goal is to write serious fiction, working at a magazine that's basically a house organ for a nonexistent club that, if it had a name, would be called something like "the especially attention-craving Manhattan rich kids D-list association?"

"Um," she said, "Because it's easy?"

Well, fair enough.

Not Dead, Just Ailing [P*r*z]

"Stunt for what?" Buttafuoco fumed during the TV interview. "I could walk out of my home in California and everybody follows. I could be in Hollywood, I could be in Vegas, and it's going to happen."

He said it was not about the money - well, not all about the money.

"I don't need the money," he declared. "I'm really OK emotionally, physically and financially. But if the money comes along with the reality show that they're talking about, fine. I think we'll have an incredible show. It will be a wild show."

"I enjoy talking to Amy; I really do," Buttafuoco said. "I like being friends with Amy."

Fisher said the date had been a long time coming.

"We started talking a few years ago," she said. "He called to apologize, and he kept calling and calling."

Buttafuoco said, "She kept hanging up and hanging up. The last time we tried to make something happen, the last time we spoke, I was a really big ass and off the hook with it, so I wanted to apologize to her.

"A year ago I was really angry. I had a medical situation, and I was on heavy meds. I needed to release that part of my past and have some closure on it."

Fisher told the TV show, "We know we're unconventional and a lot of people think it's sick and strange. We're very hesitant about what people think. We care about what people think. We're nice people. We're a lot of fun."

She added: "We're going to start off slower than we did last time - although not too slow..."

America needs a good love story, Fisher claims - and so what if they're sharing their relationship with the world?

Creepily sweet, yet chivalrous:
Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
Ah welll...48 hrs (+/-)late & a Whimpering Wimpo sighting short...
Kimmel, Quit wiping your nose on your shirt and, for the Love of WannaBe, buy yourself a personality.
Emily, May I please have this dance? Your voice could soothe an angry warthog. I believe I could Love You and listen to your sweet lil whispered nothings for a lifetime. Sincerely.

Creepily...creepy:
Re: Remainders: Jimmy Kimmel Is An Ad Man:
Wow. Jimmy Kimmel made that lady look like a complete idiot. I would love to see her get stalked and insulted. I'm sure her tune would change then!

Upsetting, because one more new Jimmy Kimmel fan:
Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
Boy Emily, what a pathetic way to make a living. You are truly the scum of the earth. You need to get a life so you can find something better to do than pry into other people's lives. Jimmy Kimmel really tore you apart and made you look like a fool on CNN. I'm not a huge fan of his but I was on that night.
I came to your website out of morbid curiosity and I found that it was even more despicable than I expected. You truly lead a sad existence.

Bitter, because is Jimmy Kimmel's ad buyer:
Re: Remainders: Jimmy Kimmel Is An Ad Man:
Yeah, you really showed that Jimmy Kimmel, who, you know, does all the media buying for ABC. I heard he spends hours surfing the Internet searching for the sites where he would like his ads to appear.

Dispatched from under a rock:
Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
I think that any public celebrity, tries to prepare themselves for their lives being an open book. However when does the media or any other form of 'sightings 'follow any kind of professional courtesies or plain out and out manners and etiquette, and respect for fellow humans? As usual society have fallen victim to desperate measures, and it's 'all about the money' and the 'have to know all the dirt'. I don't feel comfortable looking over the fence of a neighbor when they are in their own backyard, why would I feel comfortable starring at someone eating in a restaurant, let alone a celebrity. It's commonly known as rude.

Came to yell at Emily, discovered commenters are meaner:
Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
The fact that people actually use Gawker is more embarrassing than Kimmel or Emily. Go do something with your life, for chrissakes. They're not the douches; you are.

Perhaps tried to encompass Kimmel, Emily, commenters:
Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
douchebraggart

Saw a pretty girl on the teevee:
Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
emily gould looked hot on CNN. shame on jimmy for giving her grief...u go emily

Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
Wow the face of Gawker is hot!!!

Wore a tinfoil hat while typing:
Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
You guys are all retarded. Tonight he will make fun of Larry King and expose how ridiculous Larry's job is.
Mark my words. The joke will be on you.

Was unable to see irony in wasting time registering and writing eloquent prose on blog that is wasting life:
Re: Gawker's Week In Review: Welcome Back, Jesus:
Wow, you guys are as pathetic as you are stupid. You said it all on Larry King Live. What a waste of a life...

Observantly playful:
Re: Stalk of the Town: Kevin Costner in 'Waterweight':
Ok. Seriously now, you people are just baiting Kimmel.

Mom?!
Re: How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk:
However true or untrue the things you said are, Emily, you really need to learn how to do a live interview. The rolling of the eyes, spontaneous bursts of laughter, and disgusted expressions just came off as juvenile. If you expect to be taken seriously and treated like a mature professional, then I suggest you start acting like one.

Thinks we're on fire:
Re: Remainders: Larry Birkhead Is Our Daddy Too:
pending - 04/10/07 07:07 PM
assholes

pending - 04/10/07 07:07 PM
you guys truly are some unoriginal assholes, jimmy kimmel made you look retarded and proved you don't really do anything for a living but leach on to people that nobodies interested in,
you're all pieces of shit and i hope you're building burns down.
the end

Previously: What Type Of Rejected Gawker Commenter Are You?

• Jimmy Kimmel may hate celeb-obsessed bloggers, but he doesn't hate advertising on their sites. [Egotastic] [The Superficial]
  
• Celeb mags' explosive growth is slowing down. Also, no one really buys OK! in this country. [AdAge]
  
• The NYT has all sorts of nifty ideas for its subsidiary About.com, but the fact remains that most of its traffic is dependent on search engines. [Crain's]
  
• R.I.P., Bleecker St. Condomania. Sayeth their CEO: "Even though you won't be able to visit us in NY for awhile after this month, don't forget that Condomania.com will continue to meet your safer sex needs." Thank God. [Racked]

HEATHER JOBS FLOOD IN [Daily Mirror, via]

So let's have a refresher course—it's been a while!

Gawker Stalker sightings are sent to tips@gawker.com by you, the Gawker reader, and also, often, by celebrities' and restaurants' publicists. Which makes sense! Celebrities and restaurants, and the people who interview them on late night T.V., all make money by remaining in the public eye. However, part of what differentiates the sightings featured on the Gawker Stalker map from the sightings reported in celebrity newsweeklies and daily gossip columns is that we try not to post those publicist-penned "sightings." It's not that we have anything against publicists. We'd just rather hear a real person's candid take on his or her encounter with Mike Meyers and his hockey stick or how shiny Julianne Moore's hair was during her twelve millionth trip to Da Silvano.

Anyway, at some point after you send an email about a sighting to tips, we read it and spend a split second trying to determine whether it's fake and publicisty-sounding before forwarding it on to the stalker map interns, who then post it to the map. The amount of time that this takes varies considerably. It's within the realm of possibility that it could happen within minutes. It's much more common that someone has been seated next to a celebrity at dinner and emails Gawker about it the next day, or the day after, and that it takes a similar amount of time for us and the interns to do our respective jobs. For example, at the time of this writing, the most recent posted sighting is from two days ago, and also it's of Gilbert Gottfried. Crazed fans of Gottfried should take note, though: he might revisit the stretch of 22nd street between 6th and 7th Avenue sometime! We're so sure that at this very moment, someone's hanging out there with a telephoto lens, primed to ambush Gottfried and ask prying questions about his role as "Freezing Nuts Penguin" in Farce of the Penguins. The horror!

The other thing that Jimmy Kimmel seemed to have a problem with is that sometimes people make unkind remarks about celebrities. Kimmel used a recent sighting of a "fat" Kevin Costner as an example of "slanderous statements or libelous statements" that he says are prevalent on the Stalker map. Kimmel might have wanted to consult a lawyer (a real lawyer, not Mark Geragos) or a dictionary before saying this, though. "Slanderous" and "libelous" both mean "false." And Kevin Costner is (sorry!) not as slender as he used to be. Maybe the word that Kimmel was looking for was not "slanderous" but "mean."

It must be hard to be a celebrity and have people say mean things about you! The thing is, though, that everyone who's at all in the public eye, "celebrity" or no, is now subject to being insulted by anyone at any time, thanks to an innovation that makes it possible for anyone with a computer and a wireless connection to track people down and say mean things about them via email (that stands for "electronic mail"!) message or blog (sorry, "Web Log"!) post.

Case in point: after Emily's appearance, many people who didn't have anything better to do with their Friday nights than watch CNN also had nothing better to do than email Emily.

Some of these (mostly AOL users) said that they hoped their children didn't grow up to be like Emily, or that she made them ashamed to be Jewish. (That was weird!) A number were confused: They thought Emily was employed as someone who has sex with people for money. "Your site sucksss so bad and you got your ASS HANDED to you on Larry King. You are such a dumb bimbo," said Rachel Enterline. "You are a disgusting website and a disgusting person," said Sandra Mackay. And Joanne Bloomfield wrote that "Kimmell is right... someone will be killed by one of your sightings being stated on your website. Before you become an accessory to a crime, stop!!!! I viewed your website for the first time tonight. Although I hate to use the word "embarrassed" more than once, I am at a loss for words."

There was nice mail too, though! "I thought you handled that gang bang really well Friday night, especially considering big, bad Kimmel needed a lawyer and a slimy publicist at his meaty flanks to ambush you. I noticed the paps were pretty mum, even defended you a couple of times. [...] Take care, good job."

That one came from a Radar editor, but it expressed a markedly different opinion to the unsigned and pitiful hatchet job that site published today. (We hear editor Maer Roshan came down to write most of it himself. Aww!)

On Friday, Emily had briefly tried to explain to Jimmy Kimmel that stalker-style treatment is a description of public people's lives in public, and is also treatment that anyone with any kind of media or online presence—be it a Times byline, a TV show, or a MySpace profile—is now subject to. The only difference is that celebrities are protected somewhat from these verbal attacks by "piles of money."

"Not all celebrities are wealthy. I mean you know that's a silly and stupid thing to say, you know that," Kimmel replied. Emily knows no such thing. Kimmel just signed a new multi-year deal with ABC. Perhaps he can use some of the earnings for therapy or remedial computer literacy lessons. All Emily (not a streetwalker, by the way—at least, not yet!) has to protect her from the staunch defenders of celebridignity in her inbox is the knowledge that, whether or not she likes being a target of its ire, the internet isn't going anywhere and there's nothing she can do about it. Welcome, Jimmy! —Emily

CNN Larry King Live Transcript [CNN]