In Moore's story—which, we remind you again, was an amusing anecdote delivered on a late-night comedy talk show program—he went to Chavez's hotel room to ask him to please quiet down and ended up partying with him all night. They consumed a bottle and a half of tequila. And the punchline was that Chavez's speech to the UN was made up mostly of things Moore said to him, while drunk.

Now. According to the public record, Chavez and Moore met in Venice for three hours during the day. And also Chavez is a teetotaler.

Obviously, Marxists are not happy with Moore.

Franz JT Lee, a Marxist academic and blogger, claimed that the film-maker's comments were "part of the United States' 'war of ideas'" against Venezuela, and said similar "propaganda" led to the rise of the Nazis in 1930s Germany.

Right. Well. Michael Moore himself is not happy with people repeating this made-up anecdote he told, though! He claims that the bit where the meeting happened late at night, and not during the day, is true! He does not make any claims about the rest of it, with the tequila and the speech. But the time of day, though, that is rock solid.

Obviously Moore is a liar who hates America and we must always remember that even when he has a legitimate point to make about anything. (He is fat, too.)

Commence arguing!

The Jay Leno Show - Martha Stewart, Ludacris

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien - Jon Hamm, Freestyle Motocross Athletes, Cobra Starship featuring Estelle (Repeat from 8/11/09)

Late Show with David Letterman - Kristin Davis, Barry Sonnenfeld (Repeat from 10/8/09)

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Seth Meyers, Chris Paul, Landon Pigg (Repeat from 9/22/09)

Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ted Danson, Christopher Miller & Phil Lord (Repeat from 9/25/09)

Jimmy Kimmel Live - Edward Norton, Paul Shaffer, the Sounds

The Colbert Report - Jerry Mitchell (Repeat from 10/15/09)

Daily Show with Jon Stewart - Jennifer Burns (Repeat from 10/15/09)

Following in David Letterman's footsteps, Jimmy Kimmel confirmed this weekend that he is involved in a relationship with one Molly McNearney, a long time staffer and the current co-head writer on his show. In the version given to People, a source close to the show (i.e. probably Kimmel's publicist) says they've been dating for several months now after Kimmel broke up with Sarah Silverman back in March and McNearney broke up with an unnamed boyfriend. As the "source" puts it: "After Jimmy and Sarah broke up, Molly and Jimmy both found themselves single, and they clicked. They're really happy together."

Also, says this insider (flack), the situation is nothing like Letterman's situation because "during work hours, they keep things professional."

While the entertainment world is no doubt reeling from this announcement, the news will come as no surprise to Gawker readers whom were alerted to a possible Kimmel-McNearney pairing a full fifteen months ago, when both were dating other people.

After Gawker ran the anonymous tip about the state of Jimmy Kimmel's romantic life, a "source close to McNearney" went to Defamer (this was before the sites merged) to vociferously deny the tale:

She is absolutely NOT banging Jimmy Kimmel. She was promoted from assistant to staff writer, and then from staff writer to head writer. Where's the controversy there? That's kinda how it works in this biz. Also, as a matter of interest, Molly has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, and believe it or not was in Africa ministering to orphans when this story broke (that's not sarcasm, I swear). The truth is that one of Jimmy's BFFs works as a writer on the show, and Molly and another writer tried to let him go. He complained to Jimmy, got his job reinstated, and then sought a little revenge via the interwebs. The sad thing is that this is tearing Molly up.

Nope, doesn't sound like Letterman's situation at all. Or perhaps they were simply star-crossed lovers who were fated to get together a full year after the rumor mill (falsely!) said they were already banging. Mysteries!

In the meantime, while we await proof from Leno, Ferguson, Fallon and O'Brien that they are not sleeping with their staff, caution would dictate that we reset our default assumption from "Sexless" to "Office Shenaniganizer" for all late-night front men.

She's trying to save the world. And she's going to do it by selling the Vatican.

Some people like it! Others do not. Personally, I'm a fan, because Vatican humor tickles me. But if Silverman's trying to manufacture controversy by putting the words "pope" and "pussy" within spitting distance of each other, she's still got a ways to go before she tops this.

• Dear Twilight fans, I'm not the only one who thinks your property is boring and stupid. Kristen Stewart does, too! Princess Frumpire thinks talking about Twilight is boring because she has to talk about it all the time. "The sad thing is that I feel so boring because Twilight is literally how every conversation I have these days begins - whether it's someone I'm meeting for the first time or someone I just haven't seen in a while. The first thing I want to say to them is, ‘It's insane! And, as a person, I can't do anything!' But then I think to myself, God damn it, shut the fuck up." Oh, no, Frumpracula, keep talking. If you want to get back at your psychotic teenage vampire fans, just tell them all what it's like to have sex with Bobert Patterson. They'll all scream like, well, vampires, the real kind, the ones that explode when sunlight hits them. And if you could make all Twilight fans explode out of pop culture existence, that'd be fine, too. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jimmy Kimmel is so over Sarah Silverman, and is now dating one of his show's co-head writers, Molly McNearney. Kimmel's 41, McNearney's 31. The best part about the story, really, is the sole comment that's been left on the page: "Better wed her quick now. A wife can't be made to testify." Word. Also, oh, hey, remember that one time we were pretty sure McNearney had it going on with Kimmel long before this? [NYDN]
  
  
• Wow, Daily News is really on fire with the galleries. They call this masterwork "Hottie and the Nottie" based on a list of celebs who are with guys maybe supposedly uglier than them. Wonderful. So you're saying I have a chance? Etc. [NYDN]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus is a shitty tipper. She got $70 worth of food to go and didn't tip because she didn't know you were supposed to tip when you get takeout. Girlfriend. Sigh. Even worse: she was a shitty tipper at Outback Steakhouse. Why hasn't this been done yet? A list of Hollywood's shittiest tippers. I need to get on that. That way, these people could never eat in a restaurant without being shamed again. There's only one person who can get away with not tipping, and he's fake. [NYDN]
  
  
• The Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team known as Rush and Molloy set their trained sights this week on...Marc Rich? Yes. Marc Rich. The sketchy billionaire was pardoned by Bill Clinton, and he's been in exile in Switzerland. He didn't come back to America because of one man: Rudy Giuliani. Can you blame him? [NYDN]
  
  
• Bill Maher thinks Roman Polanski should just come back and go to jail. In other news, since Bill Maher didn't condemn Roman Polanski to die by sharks with buzzsaws attached to their faces, Bill Maher is pro-rape. You heard it here first. [NYP]
  
  
• Anderson Cooper was riding in Chelsea yesterday without a helmet. [NYP] I'll be here all day, folks.
  
  
• No, you can't. Giuliani made a young couple who had his old seats at Yankee stadium switch it up because he told Judith he wanted them back. Security swooped up the young couple, put them where Giuliani was sitting before, and plopped them back in their old seats. Giuliani, if you ever did that to me, I'd pour a beer on your head and put it on Deadspin. I don't know why this couple didn't do that. Honestly. That's beer-on-head meriting behavior. Dick. [NYP]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin: familiarize your self with the term "putz." It's Yiddish for "Jon Gosselin." Jon says he's going to be celebrating Hanukkah this year because everyone in his life is Jewish right now. No, really. That's what he said: "Everyone in my life is Jewish now, my attorney. I love it. I'm now half Jewish and half Korean. The family values are great....They gave her a free tummy tuck, worth $20 grand." Okay, Daily News, I don't know if you took the end of that quote out of context or what, but Jesus, really? Really. And he has holiday plans, too: "I'll see my kids [on Christmas] during the day for a couple of hours." [NYDN]
  
  
• Is A-Rod hitting better because of Kate Hudson's attendance at Yankees games? asks the Daily News. They even find some college professors to talk to about this kind of thing. And you know this is the highlight of these guys' week. Not that they made some kind of advancement in the field of psychology or whatever, no, it's that they get to talk about A-Rod getting laid in relation to the number of times he can bat someone in from third base. Ah, academics. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a gallery of celebrities running. It's oddly compelling in that "I will not eat this sandwich" kind of way. [NYDN]
  
  
• Tiger Woods is cheating on Gatorade with some kind of "focus drink." Adderall juice? Gimme. [NYDN]
  
  
• T.I.'s doing time for a weapons conviction—always, these guys, with the guns. Oy.—but that won't stop him from winning awards while he's in the slammer. No bars can hold The People from throwing down bars. It's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• There's a new book called "Growing up Bin Laden" coming out, and it's about growing up in Osama Bin Laden's family. Whee! The best part's when they move to Bel-Air for a while because Afghanistan got too rough during the early 90s. Hijinks ensued. [NYP]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's staying in New York. Suck it, LA. We've got Barton. Who do you have? Seriously. [NYP]
  
  
• So, Page Six's big story is that Madonna's not working out with Tracy Anderson anymore. Anderson's the trainer used by Gwyneth Paltrow to get Goop-y with it. The most exciting part of the story, however, is at the bottom. They totally buried the lede on this. You see, Tracy Anderson was apparently arrested for failing to pay a chimney sweep. The Dickens? Exactly! Dickens-esque, no? [NYP]

And, in celebration of T.I.'s award, we should all be able to feel liberated under imprisonment. Me, in front of my computer. You, in front of your computer. Princess Frumpire, in front of her Bobert Patterson. All of us, in the universe! Or something. I don't know. Here's an awesome song. Happy Sunday! Live your life! I'm gonna go eat a bagel.

[Photo via DZilla/JK/Bauer-Griffin]

As much as this plays into the Megan Fox as ultimate object of masculine desire cliche (which is just boring at this point), it's a relief to see poor Seth Rogen getting to talk about something different at this stop on his (and Sandler, Mann, and Apatow's) seemingly never ending Funny People tour. And, actually, it contains an infinitesemally revealing fact about Megan Fox: she was so nervous before the first show that she stopped by Seth's dressing room to ask him to stay and help her be funnier. If Megan Fox is the current blank screen onto which we project our ideas about ultimate femininity, the fact that she did that adds one little tiny pixel of coolness to that screen. I can't imagine a lot of actresses doing that, or even knowing who Seth Rogen was at that pre-Knocked Up point in time. And, bonus: next time Megan Fox is on Kimmel, she'll have something to talk about besides her tattoos.

"[O]ne ABC employee acknowledged that Nightline, the late-night ABC News show, has been talked about as a future 10 p.m. possibility," wrote Carter and Stelter. Its a weakly presented nugget—it comes from an "employee" of ABC rather than an executive or someone described as a well-placed source, and it's hedged to within an inch of it's life. ABC News executives are professing ignorance of the proposal.

The main beneficiary of such a move would be our friend Jimmy Kimmel, who would then be free to start at 11:35 and go head-to-head with Conan O'Brien. Carter wrote in January that ABC was considering replacing Nightline with Kimmel as early as this year, a notion that ABC News executives aggressively shot down. In either scenario, of course, Kimmel comes out on top. (Wait—he's an employee of ABC, right?)

Expanding Nightline to an hour and moving it up to 10 p.m. actually makes economic sense—the marginal increased costs of producing a second half-hour would be outweighed by the potential gain in doubling the show's ad revenue. And there are more viewers to attract at that hour. The question is whether it can make more profit—and provide a better lead-in for its affiliates' local news operations—than Lost or Private Practice or any of the new dramas it's launching at 10 p.m. next season. NBC's Leno move might open up space for dramas on other networks, making them a better proposition. Or it might herald an audience shift toward light-weight programming at 10 p.m. If it's the latter, moving up Nightline would be easy and smart.

But really—does anyone care anymore? Carter's January story about Kimmel taking Nightline's spot was cast in the breathless language of a battle between entertainment and news values. That was the case back in 2002, when ABC tried to lure David Letterman over to replace Nightline. But it was the case because Ted Koppel was hosting the show at the time, and Nightline was serious and designed to actually gather and distribute valuable information about the world. The fates of Martin Bashir and Cynthia McFadden may be interesting from a business perspective, but the battle between entertainment and news values was lost long ago.

Well Nikki Finke would argue that there shouldn't be any fuss at all, because winking network bashing is a hallmark tradition at upfronts. Which, absolutely, this is true. But what stuck (and stung for some) about this particular account is how, here in the glaring neon white light of TV's economic apocalypse, grim and trenchantly true all of Kimmel's jokes were. Especially when non-industry people heard them.

Yes, the whole thing is built on a pack of lies! And yes! A throw-millions-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks because, as Kimmel put it, "who cares? It's not your money" sort of attitude does seem wrong and a part of why the entire television industry and media at large and, hell, all of America is in the shitter. And that the factory workers of this creaky, arrogant system just sat and laughed and hooted to themselves "Ohhh, it's all so true!" seems a bit obtuse and, I'd imagine if I'd just lost my job at ABC in the past eight months, a bit callous.

In the past these upfront presentations were put on for the clubby group of television and ad execs and the reporters that cozily cover them, and everyone could have a laugh, go get drunk and then the next day everyone would continue to tell everyone how fabulous business is. Now, the dreaded Internet — which has basically demolished the old advertising business model — guarantees that all the inside jokes will get out.

So the people in the audience are sorta jerks and so is Kimmel and so are we for sticking our noses in other people's industries. Everyone's a jerk! This is TV after all.

[via AllThingsD]

In case you're unfamiliar with the "upfronts," they're an annual television industry event held in New York where all of the bigshots and stars from all the networks present their show lineups for the upcoming season to advertisers in the hopes of removing them from their money. Usually, these events are one enormous act of autofellatio, an endless stream of workers sucking the cocks of the companies they work for in order to hold on to their jobs and continue to cash ridiculously large paychecks, and really, who can blame them? Apart from the time in 1991 when Johnny Carson announced out of the blue that he was retiring during an NBC upfront presentation, these things are usually painfully benign, and are rarely, if ever, truly newsworthy. Typically it's an endless parade of people like Charlie Sheen stepping up to a podium to tell the fine folks at Procter and Gamble and General Motors how if they thought last year's season of Two and Half Men was funny, well, they haven't seen anything yet, because this upcoming season is going to be a fucking riot, and then they politely ask them for $1.5 million for a thirty second spot and the advertisers usually pay it and everyone goes home fat and happy. The end.

Now, with all of that established, back to Kimmel, who completely shattered this usual sort of monotony with his performance yesterday. Here's a sampling of what he said as advertising executives just sat there squirming in their seats, laughing nervously, exchanging "WTF?!" glances, not quite sure of what to make of what what happening in front of them as he fired rhetorical scuds at ABC, its competitors, and the advertising industry in general.

"Let's get real here. Let's get Dr. Phil-real here. These new fall shows? We're going to cancel about 90 percent of them. Maybe more."

"Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more. You don't need an upfront. You need therapy. We completely lie to you, and then you pass those lies onto your clients."

"Next year on ‘Grey's Anatomy,' your product could kill Dr. Izzie. It just depends on how much you want to pay."

"I think all our shows are going to work this year. I really do. I don't, really."

"The important thing to remember is: who cares, it's not your money."

Kimmel also took a shot at NBC and Jay Leno, whom ABC once courted to possibly replace him when his contract with NBC expired, saying that they're "giving Jay's viewers exactly what they want. An early-bird special."

It's hard not to love and respect Jimmy Kimmel more than ever after all of this, but one can't help suspecting that ABC will soon be announcing his show's cancellation so that it can extend Nightline back to a full hour.

Jimmy Kimmel Demolishes ABC's Upfronts [New York Times]

Also unsurprising: Kimmel was entirely uncritical of Thorton's behavior earlier this month, when the Oscar-winner went off on a well-meaning Canadian DJ for daring to mention Thornton's work as an actor and director. Kimmel told Thornton he completely understands his ire, because "it's rude" to mention a famous actor's acting career... or have a journalist dare say what he's "not supposed to say." Jimmy Kimmel: The Ari Fleischer of the celebrity industrial complex since 2007.

Related: How Dare You Call Billy Bob Thornton An Actor [Gawker]
How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk [Gawker]

Mintz-Plasse was telling a story about how Harrison Ford thought he was really funny (right...) and, while supposedly quoting the grizzled old actor, said "Your speech... was fucking hilarious." Kimmel didn't seem particularly fazed — he even congratulated McLovin on getting Indiana Jones to use profanity. But just so you don't think the censors were snoozing, a few minutes later, as you'll see in the clip, they bleeped him saying "goddamn."

In a sign of how pointless it is to compete against our superstar President — it's fucking 2:30 in the afternoon and we're just getting around to it — according to a very lazy search of the Internet, approximately three Obama-hating people were watching at the time.

Actual, or setup for a joke? It's confirmed, anonymously but by Us Weekly and then People, so probably as real as it gets between two Hollywood celebrities and their dualing phalanxes of "people."

In other words, they waited until after the Oscars. Wouldn't want any "plus one" guest-list awkwardness at the afterparties! (Judging from the Vanity Fair Oscar-party pic above, they both knew the fix was in.)

Even outside this spot, Cruise and Kimmel have a stiff, awkward relationship. Witness the pair's somehow very wrong conversation on Kimmel's ABC late-night show this past December. It was the most awkward thing... well, since Kimmel had that one guest on and no one knew whether the couple were having sex with each other or not. Which was obviously a totally different situation from the Cruise thing. Entirely.

Now there's this, a bizarre ad that puts Cruise and Kimmel in a hot, handsy, intimate back and forth. Until the end, where Cruise decides the relationship is unnatural, and then kills Kimmel, like some kind of psychotic crazy person. Which, uh, must have required some strenuous acting. Especially because it's not like a male relationship would ever make Cruise just SNAP in some way.

We look forward to seeing this creepy role-playing game between the two men continue, until their relationship gets as odd and twisted as the Kimmell-Matt Damon bond, and we learn something new and vaguely unsettling about the ABC host.

For every admission that Kimmel thought — like pretty much everybody else — he'd be following Jay Leno when he presumably moved to ABC, there are a few less specific allusions to his place in the schema of late-night power brokerage. Kimmel backdoors his way into acknowledging that of course he wants to go up against Conan and Letterman (and hasn't ruled 11:30 out as an option at Fox), but at what cost? Being the guy that killed Nightline? If he doesn't do it, somebody else will, yet Kimmel's high-road holiday indicates he's got other things on his mind. Like toy metaphors:

The rumors have surfaced again lately that ABC's entertainment side is making a run at Nightline.

News always wants as much real estate as they can get, and so does entertainment. I don't know that I've ever met [ABC News chief] David Westin, to be honest with you. I just stay out of it. I'm the action figure in their playground, you know, in their bat cave. But it's weird to be part of this circle of gossip. Especially being a fan of late-night television. It's very surreal to be a character in this story.

So do you want 11:30? Would you do things differently?

Yeah I would [want 11:30], sure. Would I do anything different? Mostly thematic. I don't think the approach of the show would be much different. I'd like to have more staff. [...] There are a lot of boring things I could tell you about, but as far as big changes that would be about it. Maybe we'd need a bigger theater, a theater that looks bigger on camera. We're in a very old building.

So, for the record: Kimmel "stay[s] out of it," then in the next breath alludes to the ways Jimmy Kimmel Live has outgrown the confines of its 12:05 ghetto. Guests are improving but still trickling down to the El Capitan after earlier shows, if at all. In his own words, he's on the "very tail end of television as a big money-making business." A perfect time to stay out of it, Jimmy, no doubt. Now might be the time for that David Westin introduction, preferably with a few of your representatives. Unannounced. In a parking garage. After hours. That's where all the best deals are made. Make yours already.

• Q&A With Jimmy Kimmel [B&C]

The idea that ABC would elbow aside its vaunted Nightline franchise for the late-night host is certainly flattering to him; that Jay Leno and David Letterman are believed to have received the same offer in past years only makes it more impressive. Such a move would signal not only Kimmel's high relative worth within ABC, but confidence that he could beat NBC's O'Brien.

But you won't find any ABC executives so much as acknowledging the talks in Bill Carter's story:

ABC executives, including members of the news division, disavowed knowledge of any plan to make a late-night change, saying that no such action was being pursued. Anne Sweeney, the president of the Disney-ABC Television Group, said that any such conversations were speculative and strongly denied that moving Mr. Kimmel was in anyone’s plans at the network. Mr. Kimmel and his agent declined to comment.

The sources on the talks, who told the Times ABC "has held discussions" about moving Kimmel to 11:35 pm, are described not as ABC suits but as "people with knowledge of meetings."

We're not saying we who the Times' sources are, but it's worth noting that both "Mr. Kimmel and his agent declined to comment." Hmmm. Carter sure went to a lot of trouble to secure not just one but two denials from Team Kimmel.

Then again, ABC's Sweeney didn't bother to deny that talks took place, only that they were "speculative." And in an anonymous denial to Reuters, the network only denied that the news and entertainment divisions had discussed the idea over, which Carter did not exactly report; he said only the idea of moving Kimmel had been discussed with the entertainment division, leaving open the question of who was on the other side of those talks.

So, angry as her network may be about Carter's story, it sounds like some sort of power struggle is afoot.

After discerning that Hathaway's 2009 resolution was to try something new every day, Jimmy Kimmel invited her to do just that by blowing out the candles on a birthday cake with a fire extinguisher. And why not. Hathaway seizes the opportunity to crack a number of double entendres and enough "that's what she said" jokes to make even Michael Scott shoot an anxious glance to the camera. This is going straight in your matchmaking file, Anne—be careful, or Ellen may set you up with James Woods. [Jimmy Kimmel Live!]

Sure, the Cruise Fire appears to have been all but snuffed, as if the rigors of round-the-clock Valkyrie-pimping have finally gotten the best of him, draining all mystery and excitement from his story about Spaghetti alla Carbonara preparation. But why is Kimmel asking if Cruise feeds his children "porn pasta?" Is this what now passes for late show small talk with one of the world's most recognizable leading men? Is Kimmel starstruck? Bored? Was this just a case of "porn pasta" being the best comic copper Kimmel could spin out of depression-eater Cruise's life-unaffirming Italian cuisine anecdotes? Why are we suddenly so compelled to hit the Chianti, and hard? Children eating porn pasta makes us die a little inside. That is all. [Jimmy Kimmel Live!]

Then, when pressed by Kimmel about injuries suffered while making the film, Kurylenko one-upped her co-star Gemma Arterton by claiming she lost not just a superfluous sixth finger but a third arm as well! Hmmm, a third arm... there's gotta be a 007 sexual innuendo in there somewhere...

• Jimmy Kimmel Live [ABC]

After some loaded, pause-laden banter, Kimmel unveiled footage of a teenage Sarah (just look at that cute little punim!) singing her heart out. Though Silverman was initially horrified by this blast from the past, the clip eventually became a running joke that both comedians cued up when things got a little too frosty. Would that we all had such an option, but here at Defamer, we doubt that even the old VHS of us belting "Tell Me Something Good" (at age 10!) could get us through an awkward, P.F. Chang's-set reunion with some of our exes. Sarah? Jimmy? Good luck with your post-breakup journey, you crazy kids.

• Jimmy Kimmel Live [ABC]