• Reality show siren Heidi Montag thinks she's ready for children. Thankfully, her husband, the weaselly Spencer Pratt, has enough common sense to hold off on reproduction. [NYDN]
  
  
• Superman: Man of Steel producer Jon Peters has been ordered to stay 100 yards away from colleague Brian Quintana after Peters allegedly threatened to break his legs during a hearing for Quintana's ongoing sexual harassment suit against Peters. And you thought your office had drama. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel does not approve of her Real Housewives of New York co-star Jill Zarin's new friends: Why would Jill be hanging with Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan?.... It is utterly embarrassing." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Did that 2008 plane crash play a role in DJ AM's untimely death? Addiction expert and reality star Dr. Drew Pinsky thinks the pain killers Mr. AM took after the crash led to his relapse and, ultimately, his overdose. [ET]
  
  
• Holy smokes! Victoria Beckham went to the gym without makeup! What is the world coming to? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Libyan tyrant Moammar Khadafy will be coming to New York next month and, according to her, wanted to rent Joan Rivers' apartment for $200,000/week. Sadly, it didn't work out. [Page Six]
  
  
• Elizabeth Moss, arguably one of the best actresses around, doesn't have a "grand strategy" when picking her roles, which explains her turn in the Sarah Jessica Parker romantic comedy Did You Hear About The Morgans? [THR]
  
  
• Dancing With The Stars "star" Melissa Rycroft accidentally squirted Orlando Bloom girlfriend Miranda Kerr in the face with a perfume spritzer. We won't even go there.... [Page Six]
  
  
• Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher got into a huge tiff during a Friday concert and, apparently, the band's now broken up, because Noel thinks Liam's a "fucking moron." Fair enough. [The Sun]
  
  
• Fashion designer Tara Subkoff has bounced back after having a benign tumor removed from her brain. That's good news. [Page Six]
  
  
• Martha's Vineyard can't stop talking about Chelsea Clinton's wedding. Though the former first daughter's parents haven't said anything, everyone's convinced the nuptials could happen at any second. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna and boyfriend Jesus visited the Western Wall while in Israel. Hilarity ensued. (Well, not really.) [AP]

1.) One Life to Live Does Grey Gardens
During a drunken daydream, one character on the soap imagined life as Edie Beale. They did a musical number, and the Costume of the Day speech, although the accent was way off.

2.) Joan Rivers on Live TV
I love that for her publicity tour for her new reality show, she keeps dropping F bombs on live television.

3.) Police Women Get Stuck With The Vagina Jobs

4.) Moe
Former Jezebel editor Moe Tkacik was on MSNBC on Tuesday morning, where she talked about the economy and possibly got hit on.

5.) Do You Remember the Time?
It was discovered that a 3000-year-old tomb of a mummified woman looks exactly like MJ.

6.) Lesbians Aren't Into Sausage Parties
Zing to you, Gordon Ramsey!

7.) Wasted Housewives of Atlanta
I love how drunk and loving NeNe and Kim got at their "let's be friends again" dinner.

8.) Who Pulled Tiger Woods' Finger?

9.) Do You Wanna Hear Someone From Chicago Pronounce "Coup d'état"?

10.) Why Am I So Obsessed With Her?
Her feigned modesty is one reason.

• Kelly Bensimon got dissed by Gerard Butler after the two exchanged phone numbers in June "after a night of heavy flirting." He apparently never called her and avoided her when he ran into her again recently. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Adam Lambert's fans have taken idolatry to a new level at some of his live shows by tossing sex toys on stage while he was performing. [EOnline]
  
  
• Surprise, surprise — Joan Rivers isn't a fan of Jon Gosselin, whom she says should have worn a condom more often. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ashley Olsen says that she's surprised that she didn't "end up like Britney Spears." Oh, but there's still time darling, there's still plenty of time. Don't stop dreaming! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Dustin Lance Black is suing the website that posted x-rated photos of him recently, asking for $3-million in damages. [Page Six]
  
  
• Griffin O'Neal says that his father Ryan O'Neal supplied him with cocaine when he was only 11 years old. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's what James Caan says about women in a recent interview: "They're fucking nuts." Remember, this is James Caan saying this ladies, umkay?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Elle Macpherson's shitty acting skills are the primary reason Mischa Barton still has a job after being institutionalized with a breakdown last month. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So you know how some of Madonna's early 90s faxed love letters to a bouncer were recently made public? Well, it appears as though she may have plagiarized from poet Anne Sexton in one of them. [Page Six]
  
  
• A singer named Jill Sobule says that Katy Perry is a "fucking thieving little slut" because she feels that Perry ripped "I Kissed a Girl" from her. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller says that she understands why people might hate her after she started dating a married father of four. [Daily Mail]

1.) Moms and Their Boxed Wine
After staging an intervention for her son, this woman's family then staged one for her over her Xanax addiction. She didn't want to go to rehab because of the its strict no-alcohol policy.

2.) Does Joan Rivers realize that perhaps she's gone too far with the cosmetic procedures?

3.) Did you like the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion shows?

But it sucks that they never revealed what exactly Danielle "tried" to do to Dina that Caroline was freaking out about. From the way Caroline told it, Danielle took a hit out on her. But that doesn't seem realistic. Danielle sort of hinted at what it might on her blog:

I had no idea at the time what "disgraceful" acts she was referring to. I only found out later what she was talking about, from someone in her own family. I simply gave a phone number to her ex brother-in-law to contact proper people with questions that he had concerning something that was absolutely none of my business. I was asked to give this information to him.

4.) Cop Without a Badge Guy Talks
Danielle's ex-husband, Kevin Maher, who gave up all the dirt on her in "The Book" was on The Insider talking about how Danielle is "a bisexual." She didn't really deny it though.

5.) Promise Piercings
Kids are expressing their love for each other in new and different ways, like piercings…

…And emails.

6.) More Kid Stuff
NYC Prep was alright, but not great, IMO. But I did really like this girl, who is friends with one of the cast members, but not part of the cast herself. She's down town/to earth.

She seems tipsy.

And I love the way she communicates.

7.) Snoop's Statement On Michael Jackson

8.) Snoop Getting Off The Phone




9.) Larry King And "My daddy, P. Daddy"

10.) Reading: With Kathie Lee & Hoda

• Meghan McCain got into a spat with security at the White House Correspondents' Dinner because they wouldn't let her friend in without a ticket. And oh, she didn't really care for Wanda Sykes or the temperature in the room or the golden stable where they forced her to keep her pony during the event. (Daily News)
  
  
• Luke Russert was hired by NBC to blog and Twitter and be a "youth correspondent" and whatever and now he's just acting like a bratty 23 year-old who has no business having the job he has. Go figure! (Page Six)
  
  
• After 15 years, Jimmy Fallon finally has a college diploma. (Perez)
  
  
• Lily Allen's potty mouth has led to her being banned by the BBC. (UK Mirror)
  
  
• A woman has filed a restraining order to prevent Ryan O'Neal from begging her for phone sex while his wife, Farrah Fawcett, is dying. (Sun)
  
  
• Joan Rivers is unwavering in her belief that Annie Duke is a Nazi. (E Online)
  
  
• Alexandra von Furstenberg has been dating a much younger guy named...wait for it...Dax! (Page Six)

Per a press release we received, the SNL afterparty venue closes January 13 with a performance by Joan Rivers.

There's just no room in New York anymore for the pet venues of wealthy celebrities! From the release:

The Cutting Room is closing due to an untenable rent increase, with the building's landlord demanding more than double the current rent. It is only the latest New York intimate performance venue to close; in recent years, venues from Fez to CBGB have shuttered due to the hostile real estate market.

So sad.

A 2004 Guardian profile gave a decent (if gushing) overview of the venue, which Noth opened in 1999 (as co-owner with Steve Walter) because "I'm really pretty bored with all the popular spots that make money." He certainly avoided too many of those headaches.

Not that the Cutting Room lacks popularity, at least among a certain crowd. Noth told the Guardian "The Saturday Night Live parties, we have them here" — and "they can get" decadent.

The tabloid clippings would appear to bear that out. They depict Will Forte and Jason Sudeikis jumping on stage and singing Bon Jovi; Demi Moore introducing Seth Meyers and Andy Samberg's Aerosmith cover; and a version of "Shook Me All Night Long" with Dan Aykroyd on vocals and Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz on guitar.

According to one Chicago Sun-Times gossip item, Noth even culled one of his girlfriends from the ranks of the Cutting Room, where the woman worked as a bartender (Noth was soon finding her acting and modeling gigs, the item claimed).

Noth is going to try and reopen "later this year," according to the press release. Uh, well, there are only three days left. But real estate types in New York are pretty desperate right now, so you never know. Thank God for the down economy.

"I was shocked that the suits at AOL have no humor . . . But that's OK. I've been gagged more times than Linda Lovelace. AOL is like Holocaust deniers. They want us to believe 6 million Jews spent World War II in Boca and Anne Frank was in an attic for two years looking for Christmas ornaments."

Joan, it's one thing to take on Russell Crowe (or even the Girl Scouts) but Forrest Gump himself? Go after Hanks, and soon enough the only place you'll be allowed to do red carpet commentary is on a Geocities page, nestled amid blinking unicorn .gifs. Video of all the relevant Rivers moments is up above — as a bonus, we've even included Joan's "Eva Longoria Porker" crack. Enjoy!

• AOL GAGS RIVERS' RANTS [NY Post]

• Star magazine claimed Lindsay Lohan quit Alcoholics Anonymous an has been drinking, doing cocaine and cutting herself as her life spirals out of control. Lohan already called the story "ridiculous" and slammed Star's track record in a pre-emptive MySpace strike Friday.
• On the verge of bankruptcy, Hugh Hefner is having to fire a bunch of Playboy staff, beg Sarah Palin to take off her clothes and ignore the wandering eye of the most loyal of his three girlfriends (she's married, he should have figured).
• Britney Spears and ex-husband Kevin Federline are in couples counseling and considering getting back together, according to the National Enquirer. Meanwhile, Spears' album was delayed so she can make it sound better. In exactly six months, her life with be PERFECT. (I'd happily settle for "rich and no longer in a mental hospital," but whatever.)
• In addition to Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl, Drew Barrymore is also supposedly snogging some random Spotted Pig waiter. [P6]
• John McCain spent $6,000 on makeup like an elitist girl from Godless Hollywood. [P6]
• After AOL backed out of a deal to link to Joan Rivers' red carpet Emmys blog, which contained many Nazi references, Rivers said, "AOL is like Holocaust deniers." [P6]
• Some online impersonators pretended to be Steven Tyler and set up a fake blog. They even obtained real salacious secrets from the real Steven Tyler's life, which is actually kind of admirable. It would have been so easy just to fake that part, too! [TMZ]

Boomp3.com

Lost castaway Evangeline Lilly returned to the mainland to participate the 60th Annual Emmy Awards on Sunday night. As she walked the luxurious red carpet, Lilly was asked if she ever thought about getting any plastic surgery in the future. Lilly chuckled slightly, then demonstrated what her face may look like if she got the Joan Rivers special. In a cruel twist of fate, Rivers happened to be watching the ceremony through her crystal ball and summoned up a few evil spirits in order to cast a spell that froze Lilly's face that like for a week. Lilly mumbled as she walked, “That Joan Rivers serves a cold and bitter dish of revenge. The make up call times that I'm going to need to fix this hex aren’t going to be fun, either.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

A. Joan Rivers

B. Andy Dick

C. Grazerhead

NBC is staying mum about the new season of 'The Apprentice,' but Hollyscoop.com has learned exclusively that 'Girls Gone Wild' creator Joe Francis has been added to the lineup.

"I’m doing celebrity apprentice," Francis told Hollyscoop backstage at the Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew.

Earlier this week Donald Trump told Ryan Seacrest that he's been getting calls from stars that want to revive their career. So far it's rumored that Khloe Kardashian, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Dennis Rodman are going to join Donald's hit show.

Can Francis hope to out-lech last season's contestant Gene Simmons, or will a jailhouse conversion have made him the next Stephen Baldwin? One thing's for sure: we can't wait to see Francis flash those baby teeth at Joan Rivers and Kim Kardashian, convincing them to romp together on a leather couch in a sapphic matchup that's most assuredly of legal age.

• Joe Francis To Join Celebrity Apprentice [Hollyscoop]

Rivers was there as the entertainment as the Citrus Council saluted "Women of Distinction." But Joan evidently didn't distinguish herself with some attendees at the Wednesday night function at Rosen Centre Hotel. We hear that she dropped the f-bomb frequently, called women "whores" repeatedly and sounded off on what the Girls Scouts didn't teach girls.

Rivers cited Paris Hilton, who didn't earn the "wearing panties patch."

While we doubt that Hilton picked up that particular quirk from a stint in the Brownies, we do wonder what it is about famous seventy-somethings who feel compelled to keep dragging Paris Hilton back into the spotlight. People, "she's out of town not bothering anybody, thank God!" As for Joan Rivers, we eagerly look forward to her next bit of uncensored trash talk, delivered from atop the twisty slide of a McDonald's PlayPlace in Needles, California.

• Joan Rivers' insults astound, amuse at fund-raiser for Girl Scouts [Orlando Sentinel]

"I thought there was a seven-second delay," Rivers told MediaGuardian.co.uk. "They earlier showed a picture of a man with an obvious erection under his coat so I thought it would be all right."

"I have won an Emmy, been nominated for a Tony award, done every show and become an icon and when people ask me what is left in my career I have always said I don't know, but I have never been forcibly thrown out of a TV studio. It is another milestone," she added.

However, Rivers said she would still appear on the show again. "In a second. But they didn't give me my goody bag, which I am very upset about," she added.

The full, uncensored outburst is above. (We also enjoyed the nervous denouement, particularly when one co-host awkwardly attempts to move things along to the next topic.) And while Rivers expressed incredulity that the comments elicited hundreds of angry complaints from viewers, when she was shown one e-mail from a mother-of-three from Leeds who was "gob-smacked when that gormless woofter Rivers whinged with 'er grotty loo-mouth on me telly!" she realized just how easily offended they can be on the other side of the pond.

• Joan Rivers thrown off Loose Women for Russell Crowe outburst [Guardian]

• An anonymous caller told George Clooney about his new girlfriend Sarah Larson, "Dump the bitch before you're sorry." Clooney got his off-duty-cop chauffeur to have the call traced, but it was made from a pre-paid cell phone and they can't figure out who bought the phone. Also, the Sun found a supposed ex-boyfriend of Larson who said Larson had "special love potions."
• Jennifer Lopez wants Tom Cruise to be her twins' godfather and convinced her husband Marc Anthony to go along with the plan. Perfect. Also, the kids' christening outfits cost $200,000. [Showbiz Spy]
• Kitten-and-puppy-hating liar Paris Hilton isn't going to participate in the casting process for her supposed new Best Friend Forever. Surprise, surprise. [P6]
• Talk show host Oprah Winfrey cried on her show over pictures of her dead dog. "I’ve got to get myself together... We’ll be right back." [Splash]
• Rapper Jay-Z married Beyoncé in his New York apartment Saturday, according to Mary J. Bilge, who is on tour with him. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Amy Winehouse is going to give her incarcerated husband Blake an album of very special love songs written just for him, and he is going to sell that album for drugs. [Showbiz Spy]
• For her recent incident at the airport, model Naomi Campbell may be barred from British Airways for life.
• Comedian Joan Rivers said of Victoria Beckham, "I dislike Victoria Beckham... Calm down, you were a Spice Girl." [HollyScoop]

Among Joan's finest gems from this podcast:
- "I forgive Katherine Heigl for being so boring on Grey's Anatomy."
- "Johnny Depp is 4'3"."
- Daniel Day Lewis's wife Rebecca Miller looks like she was "gift-wrapped at Macy's."
- "I thought we'd see Hannah's Montana."
- Jessica Alba was "dressed like Barney."
- Nicole Kidman has had so much botox (ahem, Joan?) that she's "hired a young Guatemalan woman to smile for her."
- Viggo Mortensen looks like a "homeless man who walked in by mistake."
- Ellen Page: "Unlike her character in Juno, she ain't gonna score tonight."
- John Travolta "is a chia pet."

And finally, she reserved her harshest criticism for Oscar winner Diablo Cody: "[she] looks like a walking ad for a battered women's shelter."

• JOAN & MELISSA RIVERS' OSCAR 2008 RED CARPET RUNDOWN [Stylelist.com]

What's key about current circumstances is that Joan and Melissa did their internet gig with VH1. That sure makes you wonder: is the music channel planning to get into the red carpet biz? If so, why weren't Joan and Melissa at the Emmys repping VH1? [...]

When I recently asked Joan's PR rep if the Rivers gals will work red carpets for VH1 in the future, she got noticeably nervous and replied: "No comment."

Mother and daughter are long overdue for a triumphant return to Hollywood's crimson thoroughfares, scene of such classic Joan Moments as the Golden Globes at which she barked, "I have two big names here, so could you just wait?" to Will Ferrell, whom she failed to recognize. Whether VH1 can accommodate Joan's long list of needs, however, is another matter, starting with her stubborn insistence that her trailer be stocked with 20 cases of the highest-grade mineral Botox the French Alps has to offer.

• Will Joan and Melissa ever return to the red carpet? [goldderby.latimes.com]

• Tradey mag-man Keith Fox will be the president of your Business Week. Headshots with suspicious head cropping always make us wonder how bald a fella is. That's okay. [Ad Age]
  
• The MySpacers will sort and rank news on-site, like little squirrels put to labor in a very goth cage. [LAT]
  
• Lisa Rinna (ol' Big Lips from Melrose Place!) to somehow replace Joan and Melissa on red carpets for TV Guide. Insane. [NYDN]
  
• We desperately wanna agree with the argument that a Pulitzer at the Globe for national matters swiftly defeats the annoying, gross, anti-newspapery claim that newspapers should focus local and never go beyond their counties. But a Pulitzer isn't actually an indicator of good circ or good business practice. [Phoenix]

Guess who ELSE auditioned during the same slot? Andy Cohen! Do you smell a conflict of interest? After all, if you're Joan, (or her production company) and the VP of Bravo programming wants to be on your show... and can pretty much cancel or renew the damned thing at his whim - wouldn't there be some pressure to put him on? So this must mean a cast of Joan, Jim, Andy, and for diversity - RuPaul? (Okay, I made up the RuPaul part, but let's not write it off until the announcements are made.)

Cohen sashayed out of the audition, namedropped as many folks as possible in the moments he had before leaving, then breezed out, flip flops and white pants ablazing, as he mentioned something about an overseas trip he had to make. Perhaps he should do less world traveling and more searching for an alternative to airing weekend long marathons of Project Runway. We've seen them ALL already!

True, having an exec saunter in to "audition" for his own network's series might raise some eyebrows, but this is no ordinary TV executive. Cohen's blog has proven that he is a born raconteur—who could forget the one about the Cybill Shepherd pitch meeting turned freeballing, softcore menage-a-trois. And there's always the added hilarity of Cohen coughing the words "TV Guide Channel!" into his fist every time Rivers hogs the spotlight, then catching a glimmer of terror ignite the eyes of her otherwise frozen face.

• TALKING HEAD? [NY Post]