• So, what does Lindsay Lohan have to say about her disastrous Ungaro show in Paris? She just didn't have time to make a collection that didn't totally suck. And those pasties? She didn't even know about them! "I wasn't aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out..." Don't worry, though, because the actress says she's "still learning," which gives us an iota of hope her next effort won't fall so flat. [People]
  
  
• A crazed "in love" fan waited in line five hours so that he could punch singer Leona Lewis at a book signing. She cried a bit, but has made a full recovery. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Neither side will admit it, but Fox Business and MSNBC are both working double time to make sure their respective morning hosts — rivals Don Imus and Joe Scarborough — beat one another at the ratings game. Scarborough's winning, but newcomer Imus could still come up from behind. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something none of us could have ever predicted. Britney Spears, who once lost custody of her two tots, has been named "best celebrity mom" in a completely scientific poll put out by a Christmas savings company, the most important source on Earth. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hillary Swank will stop at nothing to have children — someday. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• We're really sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but we're sure you've predicted it, so here it goes: Jon Gosselin vowed to continue a career in television. [NYDN]
  
  
• All wait staff should be on high alert: Miley Cyrus does not tip well. You've been warned. [Splash News]
  
  
• A former bodyguard claimed Howard K. Stern helped Anna Nicole Smith shoot valium. Because, at that point, why not? [NYDN]
  
  
• The late Stephen Gately's Boyzone bandmates will sleep in the chapel with his body the night before his funeral because he wasn't fond of being alone. [Mirror]
  
  
• Eminem must be quite the diva: he refused to work with Madonna. Chump. [NYDN]
  
  
• Because domestic life no longer appeals to viewers, the fifth season of Tori Spelling and family's reality show will be a cross-country trip. Next season? Ultimate fighting. [ET]
  
  
• Rather than simply pleading insanity, one of the men accused of extorting John Travolta after the actor's son's death claims that Travolta's lawyer offered him the $15 million as "hush money." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein will appear at Baruch Barnard College today to discuss the trials and tribulations of Iranian... hair. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's officially official: Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from Sum 41 singer Deryck Jason Whibley. Now perhaps we'll never have to hear those names again. [AP]
  
  
• Joe Francis recently boasted that if he saw rival Brody Jenner, Jenner was "dead." Then he ran into Brody and his friends and did nothing. What a cock. And a tease. [Page Six]

• Oh, it's on: Tilda Swinton has joined a fight against Donald Trump's latest golf course, which would be built on the Scottish coast and would displace residents. Trump's people responded by calling Swinton and other protesters "extremists." We imagine Swinton can get a bit more extreme than a petition. She looks sweet, but we see some crazy in those eyes. [AP]
  
  
• The ever-fecund Heidi Klum gave birth to her and husband Seal's fourth child, a girl named Lou. Klum's probably too exhausted to speak, so Seal released a statement wondering — and explaining — how he found even more love in his heart for the new tot. We could try to be cynical about this, but good golly, Seal and Klum just too darn adorable. [People]
  
  
• Carrie Underwood will host a two-hour holiday special that will feature Dolly Parton and David Cook. Because, you know, all the other recent variety shows have done so well. [Reuters]
  
  
• Remember when Tyra Banks told us all to kiss her fat ass and stop discussing her weight because she loved herself and all that? Well, now she's dropped four dress sizes. Body confidence must be out this season. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In other weight-related "news:" Star magazine had an expert say that Tori Spelling's only 95 pounds, so Spelling tweeted that she's 107 pounds and the tabloid can weigh her if they want. The aforementioned expert, meanwhile, says that 5'5" Tori's still 13 pounds shy of "remotely healthy." These weight wars sure can be ugly, huh? [Star]
  
  
• Madonna's former trainer, Tracy Anderson, will have to defend herself against a $1 million lawsuit filed by an ex-boyfriend who swears she used her feminine wiles to put a curse on him and make him spend his money on her business. He also claims she made up big, fat whopping lies, like that she had been in Cats and was a Power Ranger, all easily verifiable facts. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul Anka will receive 50% of the publishing rights from Michael Jackson's new track, "This is It," because he helped write it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Joe Francis participated in last weekend's gay rights march in DC not because he wants to get good press, but because knows the pain of being dogged by the religious right and can therefore empathize with the same-sex crew. Um, really? [Page Six]
  
  
• Some say gay writer Gore Vidal's an anti-Semite, which explains why people such as former NYC mayor Ed Koch are furious he'll speak at the famously Jewish 92nd Street Y next week. Koch, who some say remains closeted, remarked, "Those who invited him are, as Jews, either most forgiving, or schmucks. The latter word is intended to cover masochists." [Page Six]
  
  
• Are you an Elvis fan with cash to burn? Well, you can bid on a lock of the singer's hair at an auction. It's expected to sell for at least $8,000. [Reuters]
  
  
• Can you believe it? A Los Angeles doorman didn't recognize Whitney Port and she had to wait in line for a half-hour until someone set him straight. Oh, the indignity! [Page Six]

• Gossip Girl actress Kelly Rutherford filed a restraining order against her soon-to-be ex-husband. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jude Law won't be meeting his new daughter until Christmas. How sweet. [3am]
  
  
• Lily Allen's record company won't let her retire. Shame. [3am]
  
  
• Jacko once claimed that Madonna was jealous of him and how mothers wanted him to hold their babies. [Page Six]
  
  
• Joe Francis and Khloe Kardashian's soon-to-be hubby are the best of friends. Sadly [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something novel: a convict has filed a lawsuit against America's Most Wanted king John Walsh because Walsh called said convict a "snitch." Hey, that's a bad word. [TMZ]
  
  
• Don't be fooled by Hollywood magic. Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey were not having the time of their lives while filming Dirty Dancing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Stupid UN! You made Clive Owen late to dinner. Useless. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ted Turner gets no respect: wait staff at his restaurant don't even recognize him. [Page Six]
  
  
• Those poor children! Britney Spears and K-Fed now have basically 50/50 custody of their tots. [TMZ]

Francis, who has been out on bail pending his trial, agreed yesterday to plead guilty to two counts of submitting false tax returns omitting $562,000 in income and one count of bribery for paying more than $5,000 to his prison guards for contraband food. In exchange, prosecutors will recommend a sentence of time served (he spent 10 months in federal prison awaiting trial in 2007 and 2008), one year of probation, and a $250,000 fine.

The plea came just weeks before the trial was scheduled to begin, and the Associated Press suggests that it was precipitated by credibility issues that recently came to light about the government's star witness, Francis' former accountant Michael Barrett:

Barrett's credibility as a witness came into question in recent weeks, with Otero warning prosecutors that Barrett posed problems for them. The judge noted that Barrett had sought a reward for turning Francis in, even though he may have also committed a crime.

Otero told prosecutors during a hearing earlier this summer that they should consider resolving the case before it went to trial. He had also questioned Francis' ability to control himself in the courtroom during the trial, nearly sending him to jail when he learned that Francis had taunted a prosecutor.

According to TMZ, Francis has sued Barrett, claiming he embezzled millions of dollars and falsely ratted out Francis to the IRS in the hopes of keeping the scheme from being uncovered. That sounds like a conspiratorial revenge fantasy, but the sudden and late plea agreement suggests that prosecutors may have thought Francis was on to something.

Sentencing is due in November. According to the terms of the agreement shown below, it's about as good a bet as you'll find that Francis will be back in prison within days:

Read the whole thing here.

Beating up a Playboy Playmate at a popular Hollywood nightclub, would seem a mountain too high to climb, even for a cretin of Francis' caliber. But this week, he is accused of pulling a bunny out of the proverbial hat in the Loathsome Olympics and doing just that.

The fun started on Friday night when reality tv hero/Paris-posse-clinger Brody Jenner twittered the following:

Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!...
How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of shit
Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him?

In an interview that night with TMZ, Jenner claimed that he and his girlfriend, former Playmate Jayde Nicole, had been watching the Girls Gone Wild kingpin hitting persistently on a woman at Hollywood's Guys and Dolls nightclub. When the pair felt his attentions had gone overboard, Nicole apparently threw a drink in Francis' face. According to Jenner, Francis then "pulled Jayde's hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her."

Francis disputed the account in an interview with MTV News saying, "I would never hit a girl in my life." He continued:

This was an unprovoked attack," Francis said. "The security-camera footage pretty much confirms my account of the events entirely. ... I was talking with a friend of mine. I got punched in the back and then all of a sudden, [Jayde] poured a drink, and then a glass hits me in the head. I turned around. I reached over. I see it's a girl, the head of the girl. I wanted to turn her head around. I grabbed her hair, and the next thing I know, my shirt's being ripped. I'm punched in the face. I go into the submissive ball until the whole thing gets settled down."

Today, Nicole has fired, issuing a statement basically saying, you did too beat me up. Her spokesman - and yes, all Playmates do have spokesmen - reiterated, "On Friday August 28 at approximately 1:20 A.M., Jayde Nicole was the victim of a violent assault when she was attacked from behind, thrown down to the ground by her hair, and beaten in the face and body in front of multiple witnesses by a person identified as Joe Francis."

Nicole is refraining from further comment as she claims to be cooperating with the police investigation of the incident.

• Jon Gosselin was the guest of honor at a pool party in Vegas. Whereas a pool party would sound like an enjoyable experience anywhere else, in Vegas, it's the sixth circle of hell. It looks something like this:

  Upon arriving on the red carpet, Gosselin told reporters, "It looks like we'll have a good time" – as 2,000 people danced and drank alcohol to the sounds of rock, hip hop and house music. Not everyone was necessarily happy to see him, though. As he walked on the red carpet, one bikinied woman stood on a railing and shouted, "Team Kate".

  Come on. Just, like, amazing. Note the detail of how she's in a bikini. Anyway, he got a bunch of numbers and apparently brought his mom there, too? This guy's just, yeah. The verdict's in. Team Kate, indeed. Oh, and MGM Hotel and Casino: Classy. [People]
  
  

• Meanwhile, Kate—even though her hair could use some, uh, toning down—put the rumors about her being with the family's bodyguard to rest. They had their own pool party with the bodyguard and his wife, and E! helpfully points out that he patrolled the perimeter on an ATV, playing watchdog over the family. Since Jon was, you know, in Vegas. [E!]
  
  
• Joe Francis says Brody Jenner has a small dick. First off: takes one to know one, BRAH. Second: the New York Times has some helpful news for Jenner! If he can't get it big, he might still be able to keep it up. Really, though, there's so much homoerotic tension between these guys. I've always secretly thought Girls Gone Wild is the kind of overcompensating shit someone deeply insecure about their sexuality would produce. Then again, who doesn't want a free hat, right? Community service. [D Listed]
  
  
• Kelly Preston pulled out of a "grief panel" where she was going to discuss the death of her son, Jett. Nope. No more. Maybe because she'd get asked a question about the sketchy circumstances surrounding it, including (but not limited to!) the Scientology cover-up of Jett's autism. Unfortunately, you can only get so many Roger Friedmans fired, and once you run out, there are no heads to be put on corporate platters! And that happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams and Common are hooking up? Did not know. There is, indeed, a light in celebrity gossip, sometimes. [Page Six]
  
  
• See this plastic bag? It's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it costs too much for me to ever have. Name the movie! American Beauty star Wes Bentley is defaulting on his AmEx for $90K. Maybe he can sell some weed to pay the bill? [TMZ]
  
  
• The first lady of oil-rich Gabon is in California living on food stamps? (A) Africa is crazy and (B) of course Page Six would pick this up. Love it. [Page Six]
  
  
• The guy from Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne are "headed for splitsville" according to the Daily News. They get Gabon and you get this? Weak, Daily News. Sorry, but you just can't compete with geopolitical scandelousness with Canadian pop-punksters. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't talk about Twilight, like, ever. Dare not say they sacred name! Just like how media people never talk about the media. Really, though: I wonder if they're bigger Harry Potter fans. Don't forget, folks, Pattinson was Cedric Diggory waybackwhen. There's a distinct air of truth to this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Tina Fey takes her FeyCay on Fire Island. Everyone there is apparently resisting the urge to make the Sarah Palin joke about Fire Island/Manhattan and Alaska/Russia. Which makes me concerned that the people in the Hamptons might be funnier. [Page Six]
  
  
• Albert Hammond Jr. of The Strokes sold his East Village pad for less than $1M (ouch?) and him an Agyness Deyn are gonna move into a hotel for a while. 3:1 on the Bowery Hotel, 8:1 on the Cooper Square, but if they drop into The Hotel on Rivington, every last remaining shred of indie cred: gone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Maybe I'm amazed that Paul McCartney still has the power to deal with all of these women coming in and out of his life. Then again, maybe I'm not, and he probably doesn't need your New York Times penile resuscitation squad to do so, thank you. His current lady, Nancy Shevell, is avoiding his last lady, Heather Mills, who's been stalking around his Amaganssett house. Which, I mean, pretty impressive, Heather Mills. Must get tiring, though, right? [Page Six]

And, on that note: happy Sunday. We'll leave it to the Walrus himself to take us out. Paul?

• One of two things happened to Girls Gone Wild's sleaze impresario, Joe Francis, in an altercation with Brody Jenner and Jenner's girlfriend, the 2008 Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole. Either Joe Francis has moved on from merely exploiting women to now punching them in the back of the head, as Nicole and Jenner claim happened in a club in L.A. Or, to hear Francis' side, karma's beginning to strike back at him in the most literal sense of the term, as he tells it: apparently Jenner and his girlfriend came up to him and hit him reallyfuckinghard both in the cluurb and outside the cluurb. Jenner actually had to be tasered by guards—yes, Brody Jenner, tasered—to put him on ice. Either way, Brody Jenner and Joe Francis got into a fight at a club involving a woman and somehow the universe just didn't unhinge its jaws and swallow all of these people and then ask for some milk. You know what they say: if you give the Universe a cookie, etc. [Page Six]
  
  
• In a Marlon Brando-esque fit of conniption, Kristen Stewart—who is now, let me remind our female, teenage readers, having sex with Robert Pattinson—almost quit acting after not being able to get cast in anything. Then, the celibacy tale known as Twilight came along and swept her off of her translucent feet and gave her a career that will enable her to retire in a few years from pursuits of money, men, and the secret desire to have people living vicariously through one. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• In other news, Robert Pattinson was "blown away" by Kristen Stewart. In other news, somewhere, Stephen Hawking was, too. The universe is amaaaaaaaazing. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rounding out our Kirsten Stewart trifecta of gossip today, she's gonna get nekkid for a new movie. With James Gandolfini. Playing a 16 year-old prostitute. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mark Ronson and Sean Lennon once made "soggies" with Michael Jackson. For the record, "soggies" is not a euphemism for anything other than toilet paper balls soaked in water and thrown off the penthouse floor of a hotel with Jackson. But you certainly thought otherwise. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rachel McAdams likes romance and is kind of a cheeseball, she admits. She thinks a romantic night is sitting at home and watching a movie. Tell 'em, girl. Seriously. In other news: Rachel McAdams. Perfectly likable celebrity. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Whitney Port—according to the picture the Post used, looks like a poodle, now?—went to a decent New York restaurant (not a great one) and ordered essentially what comes down to a crudité. Sorry, ladies, but you go to eat out in New York, you don't order a veggie platter. Bad form. At least order a dish, or something. Save the crunch veggies for, I don't know, the Super Bowl party. [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, Jason Biggs was attacked by a monkey in Gibraltar while vacationing there. The monkey was like, get off my rock, Jason Biggs, and Jason was like, this monkey knows who I am! Also, who goes vacationing in Gibraltar? Is this a destination I wasn't aware of? I always thought you just drove by on a boat, took a picture of the rock, and left. [NYDN]
  
  
• Do you complain about the perils of fame? Chris Martin of Coldplay would like to invite you to STFU. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Elizabeth Berkeley is writing a book! About advice for teens! And she wants your advice! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared. [Daily News]
  
  
• Men are scared of Lily Allen, says Lily Allen. This is after she writes a song about how bad all of her guys are in bed. Honey, have you ever heard of the Floppy Woo? George Gurley would like to have a talk. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• And we begin with an altercation just as we end with one. Oasis had a concert. At that concert, they announced they were canceling the show because of an "altercation." Truth be told, one of the two of those insufferable British goon brothers had enough of the other one, and they quit the band. More interesting is that Maura Johnston of Idolator got a good "Friday Night News Dump" joke out of this. Either way, they've done this nine times before, or something, but we can never be too sure. In tribute, please find the "Wonderwall" video below. Happy Saturday, Gossip Roundup. You're gonna be the one to save us. [Idolator and Showbiz Spy]

• Jon Gosselin, sigh, is now vehemently denying any kind of romance with Star Reporter Kate Major, and has now become part of a gossip cycle where everyone - including yours truly - is being played by some guy who helped a lady pop out eight kids and a Star reporter. Apparently he told somebody at Zombie Radar: "Oh my God, I can't believe she did this to me...What do I do? She's totally [expletive] me over!" Well, the first thing you should do is stop talking to people at Zombie Radar. If it's advice you're after, you should ask someone from Radar 3.0. They'd know what to do. The second thing you should do: have a vasectomy. Make sure you can never, ever procreate again. It's just a bad idea. The next thing you should do is burn any clothing you've purchased over the last few months. Then you should tell Kate Major to go away. Sell the place you just bought in New York, and move back to Pennsylvania. Get a place nearby (it can even be your "gangsta-ass pimp pad" or whatever, if that's really what you need) so your wife - ravenous with power over your guys' eight little moneymakers - can not raise eight human beings whose sole reason for existence is to talk about what a fuckhead they think you are, because if you leave her to her own device, that's exactly what she's going to do. She will raise eight people who will inevitably hate you, only kind of hate her, and be way more like her than you. And if the world goes to war with each other and everyone has to take a side, you'll be lucky if they don't bayonet you. And that's what you get for hanging out with a Star reporter. She's saying that you guys are bumping uglies and you're surprised?! Jon Gosselin, sigh. [NYDN and NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, and he wants his own reality show. Seperate from Kate and the kids. Please give me your tenative titles in the comments, I'll be busy having an ulcer. [E!]
  
  
• Speaking of terrible parents churning out children for the sole reason of creating a profitable enterprise, Octomom - who should be the next Spider Man villain on name alone, and I can't be the first one to think of this: she throws her children at you and they beg you to take them away, she's powered by Zombie Radar and her Achilles Heel is the sad apathy of the world which isn't so much sad as it is generally fair - just signed her kids into a labor agreement. Each kid gets $250/day, and she's looking at around $250,000 over three years, and the other six kids...don't get nothin'. Yeah: so eight of her kids are getting paid for the reality show, the other six get bupkes. Which won't create any kind of inferiority complex. At all. [NYDN]
  
  
• When you think "Lindsay Lohan" and "shakes," you probably think of a reaction involving sniffable drugs, particularly, imported South American Class A narcotics that fall under the "stimulants" family (Anexcitablefamilyforsure!). Well, in this instance, you'd be wrong: she's getting an ice cream shake named after her! She showed up at the same L.A. shop that Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag got shakes named after them at 1:30 A.M. to promote her new shake. It's a mix of Vanilla Ice Cream, Chocolate Swirls, and Oreo Cookie, which is essentially an Oreo Blizzard. Then again, the results probably more than resemble a common reaction after a long night of blow, ew, so maybe you were right the first time. Mind: out of gutter, into toilet. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
• Newsflash: Jessica Biel spends lots of time in the gym. [ShowbizSpy]
  
  
• Walking slutty Halloween costume Megan Fox thinks she looks hot. There should be a national referendum on this: Can you get past Megan Fox's freaky thumbs to think she's hot? I'd vote "Yes," but only because I have a thing for freaky appendages, specifically thumbs. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Kelis thinks her new son is perfect. Well, yes. For one thing, there's only one of them. For another, he's GOD'S SON'S SON, SON. [US Weekly]
  
  
• So, Gwyneth Paltrow, who took a road trip across Spain with Mario Batali and Mark Bittman but wouldn't eat anything but fish on the trip - seriously - yesterday showed her GOOP readers how to cook chicken. Some Daily News writer did a helpful play-by-play of the video, which includes quotes like this: "I feel inspired to cook all the time...It's sort of what I lie in bed and think about at night which is maybe a problem." On the one hand, yes. On the other hand, your mans is Chris Martin, and he's busy mourning his career before it's already over and walking around looking all sad in a cape. Marital bliss: a wonderful thing. Hopefully your recipes don't call for any apples and you end up accidentally cooking your ridiculously-named child. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• The L.A. coroner's office is being investigated for leaking details of Michael Jackson's death to the press for cash. Meanwhile, it occurs to me that this would've made for a great episode of Six Feet Under. [AP via NYDN]
  
  
• Jude Law hit a female paparazzo (paparazza?) in the face and thinks it's funny. Jude Law: dick! [PITNB]
  
  
• Joe Francis is awesome at being Professionally Sleazy: he bought off guards in jail at Reno by having his homeboy drop off Cartier watches, gift cards to Saks Fifth Avenue, and, uh, a big screen TV? Anyway, the cops just got busted, and Joe Francis is somewhere getting some girl who turned 18 yesterday to take her top off for a hat. [TMZ]
  
  
• LeAnn Rimes is learning how to live without her husband, because they've been living in separate digs for a while. More interesting than this is the fact that People thought this item was worth picking up, on, and also, remember, like, twelve years ago? [People]
  
  
• Ha, Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock doesn't really care for Robert Pattinson. [People]
  
  
• Ashton Koosher says Meesha Barton's "doing great." Take it from him. Honestly, he probably doesn't know the first thing about doing drugs, because WHO WOULD WANT TO DO BLOW WITH ASHTON KOOSHER? Just sayin. [Reuters]

Here's the AP report—and really, every short paragraph is outrageously satisfying:

"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis was arrested in Los Angeles after he showed up five hours late for a court hearing in his tax evasion case.

When the adult-video entrepreneur finally appeared in court Monday afternoon, he told the judge he was suffering from the flu. Francis' attorney Melissa Weinberger says U.S. marshals then handcuffed Francis and took him away.

Francis is accused of claiming more than $20 million in bogus business expenses on his corporate tax returns, including $3.8 million for a home in Mexico and $10.4 million in phony consulting services. He has pleaded not guilty to two counts of federal tax evasion.

The hearing was to consider a request from his tax attorneys to recuse themselves.

It looks as though that massive conspiracy cooked up cruel activist judges and breast-suppressing Illuminati finally paid dividends! Though Sundance buddy Kim Zolciak is surely donning her black wig on this dark day, we have a feeling that Samantha Ronson is nothing but smiles. Meet you at Bardot, Sam—drinks (and plastic water bottles) are on us!

• 'Girls Gone Wild' founder arrested in LA court [AP]

• Michael Phelps supposedly tried to buy the picture of himself doing a bong hit. Then he reportedly offered to write a sports column for News of the World if they'd kill their exclusive. [Scoop]
• First Madonna was telling her Brazilian model friend there were no strings attached to the relationship, next thing you know he's meeting her kids. There's no such thing as "ficando," people.
• John Mayer would like to do the right thing by Jennifer Aniston this time around, but unfortunately she does not advance his goal of keeping a low profile. Pissing her off and getting spotted with other women somehow does. (No one said Mayer was good at thinking these things through.) [Gatecrasher]
• So, yes, Katie Holmes looks gaunt in this picture, but she just finished a Broadway play and is eating sushi. Has Jeremy Piven taught her nothing? [Mirror]
• Allen Iverson carries around a $50,000 wad of cash and gambles it on poker. Ha! Obviously he should be stashing his money in a proper investment bank and investing in a reputable hedge fund, maybe some real esta... actually Iverson, are you accepting investments at the moment? [P6]
• Gwyneth Paltrow, on her blog critics: "I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded." [OK!]
• Britney Spears demanded and received permission to take her children on tour with her. All she had to give ex-husband Kevin Federline in return was $4,000 per week and his own home in each of three cities. [Us]
• There's a warrant out for Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis' arrest, but when isn't there, really? This one is federal, and involves tax evasion charges. [Fox News]
• John Cleese denied reports he "went to great lengths to make his body look good," because apparently that's something you're supposed to be ashamed about in Britain. [Mirror]

Robert Bernhoft and Robert Barnes — the infamous "Two Bobs" of a mildly premature Portfolio magazine profile last year — are defending themselves this week against claims they provided less-than-optimal service to Francis, who faces 10 years in prison when he goes on trial this spring on tax-evasion charges. Not that a Joe Francis endorsement should necessarily attract the the high-powered Hollywood delinquents the Two Bobs had their hearts set on, but his dismissal of them in the LA Daily Journal as "swindlers" and "the Paris Hilton of lawyers — just to be famous, not to do anything" is arguably even less arousing.

The duo fired back Monday to the gang at LA Observed, which passed along a statement accusing the Journal of "lazy" and roundly untrue "ambush journalism," yet stopping short of denying their Hiltonesque status. And why should they? "The Paris Hilton Of Lawyers" may yet have some business-card and TV-spot traction after they've returned to strip-mall practice in Milwaukee. Sorry it didn't work out, fellas.

• Joe Francis means trouble for his lawyers [LA Observed via THR Esq.]

• To make himself more relatable to women, Tom Cruise will stop pulling wife Katie Holmes around by the arm in public and will try to go on the View a lot to make the ladies forget about that time he dissed Brooke Shields for taking drugs for postpartum depression, a dick move they totally hated. Also, for the poors, he will stop showing up to movie premiers in totally awesome vehicles. [Star]
• Turns out Larry King was ripped off by Bernie Madoff, too. Between that, the insurance brokerage that allegedly cheated him ,and King's many ex-wives, the TV host really needs to at least finish out his CNN contract, if not renew. [P6]
• Joe Francis likes to have his picture taken while wearing women's undergarments. And that's actually one of the least pervy things about him. [Gatecrasher]
• Mike Tyson, subject of a new documentary: "People are offering me a lot of pussy and a lot of money again." Nervous laughter. "It’s not funny. This stuff is detrimental. I had a hard time controlling it in the past.” [Gatecrasher]
• Technically, Bill and Hillary Clinton went to at least one inaugural party together. Let's just say they didn't hang out much. Guess which one left early. [Cindy Adams]
• Mariah Carey will would not be seated with mere celebrities at the inaugural. She wanted to be with the Obama family, because that's what she is, really. Family. [P6]
• Page Six isn't saying Billy Bush was wasted at the Sundance party for Crude. It's just saying the Access Hollywood star was "escorted" away by his, uh "pal" (boss actually) Ben Silverman. [P6]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt's ex-fiance says the couple are trying to work things out. [Fametastic]

We have yet to spot the two lovebirds strolling along Main Street, but are comforted to know Joe has found an intimacy partner who's neither a roofie-addled 14-year-old in a Girls Gone Wild visor and nothing else, or a 400-pound Panama City Beach Jail cellmate who thinks of the impresario as his own little Phillip Morris.

• Previously: Kim Zolciak's New Blog Gives Hope To Fake Cancer Survivors Everywhere [Defamer]

It's here that Francis unloads, implying that Lindsay is the equivalent of a "lesbian until graduation" and stating that, uh, Rosnan is a "wretched woman...taking [Lindsay] down a path that's just wrong for her." Thank God, America, that we have fine, upstanding men like Francis who are so concerned about our young ladies going down the wrong path. Be there for her, Joe. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for her worries, and a positive influence who can help lead Lindsay out of the woods with a 12:30 am carton of pralines and cream and a tender, heartfelt message: "Those tits look great in that shirt, but I bet they'd look even better out of it..."

• The Tyra Banks Show

• Shiksa Ivanka Trump and Observer-owning Jewish beau Jared Kushner have the rabbi for her conversion all picked out. It was important to both of them that he hate the Times. [P6]
• OK, so Madonna has reportedly been calling soon-to-be-ex husband Guy Ritchie a gold digger, but she's the one who made him sign a contract to "enrich" his wife and "devote time to our sexual expressiveness." [Sun]
• The View denied that Elizabeth Hasselbeck gets into screaming matches with Joy Behar, as the Chicago Sun-Times reported. But she does get the lion's share of death threats from people outside the show, according to Whoopi Goldberg.
• Under a new court order, a medical team will monitor Britney Spears' career at all times to make sure it does not drive her insane. That's an actual fact. [TMZ]
• Do not speak to the Olsen twins at their book signing, do not photograph the Olsen twins at their book signing and do not ask the Olsen twins to read anything at their book signing. Why are you even at their book signing? [P6]
• Girls Gone Wild scuz Joe Francis claimed Lindsay Lohan isn't really lesbian and trashed the actress' girlfriend Samantha Ronson as a "wretched" manipulator. Because if you're going to manipulate women, you have to do it with class. Joe Francis class. [P6]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie require the services of six nannies. They tried to cut down to four but that was just overwhelming. The dinner table seats 16. [Scoop]

After all, they argue, Snipes dropped the Bobs after they urged a "good-faith" offer to defray his tax debt on three misdemeanor charges — unprecedentedly dropped from the original six counts for his nonpayment from 1999 to 2005. The actor's rejection of the deal (at least until he showed up with $5 million in personal checks on the day of his sentencing) set the attorneys up to have their historic cake and eat it, too.

And to hear Bernhoft and Barnes tell it, it's a delicious cake; if only there were government-stiffing action stars in their native Milwaukee to share it with. Next stop: Malibu, where they've already roped in Girls Gone Wild kingpin Joe Francis, who faces 10 years in prison if convicted next spring of felony tax evasion. And from there? The gutter is apparently the limit:

“If you’re an oligarch in Moscow, you need a driver and a bodyguard,” Barnes says. “If you’re a mogul in Hollywood, you need a consigliere. That’s what we will be.” [...]

Barnes predicts that within 18 months, high-end California clients will make up half the firm’s business; in three years, he says, that portion will be two-thirds. Whereupon the firm’s epicenter will shift from a warehouse in Milwaukee to a deck in Malibu. “We want it to be like the patio in Boston Legal,” Barnes says, citing the TV series about stogie-savoring, nightcap-drinking litigators who often retire to a rooftop patio to mull their cases.

Clearly these men are newcomers to town, but at least they have a specialty. And that's all a couple old whores need in the end, anyway. Welcome to Hollywood!

• Hollywood or Bust! [Portfolio]

It gets worse.

There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye! Not that what we see is soooo pleasing anyway!I I mean, what's with this ...."person"??? Look at the way she "dresses"? Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words! Personally, I think she is dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity!

In stark contrast to:

Now, Joe Francis is attacked for speaking out about Samantha, when he too cares about Lindsay and is concerned about Samantha's effect on Lindsay.Joe Francis is a good person and even a better businessman. He wasn't a bad guy when he flew Lindsay around on his jet, opened the doors top his home or tried to help, was he? Of course not, because Samantha wasn't around. Sounds familiar with regard to me as well !!!!

Michael proceeds to go on and on about how it is "God's will" that Lindsay be delivered from the evil clutch of Samantha and her terrible indie rock parties and art films back into the self-affirming sphere of enrichment centered around His Benevolence Joe Francis. I knew Christians could be bizarre, but I am pretty sure Tom Cruise and David Miscaviage are somehow behind this one.

*Like, what the fuck are you supposed to use? I mean, when you've gone through the napkins, paper towels, tampons, cotton balls and the contents of the HP Laser Jet 1020, what's left? (Related: can newspaper ink give you an infection? Discuss.)

• Today host Ann Curry moved during the national anthem at the Republican National Convention, because NBC hates freedom. Then she pointed at a nice lady from Alaska and yelled, because she is a terrorist. The Virgin Islands were also terribly offended. [P6]
• Supposedly the word "nuclear" was spelled out as "new-clear" on Sarah Palin's TelePrompTer at the Republican National Convention so she wouldn't mess up the pronunciation again. Also: Uma Thurman is pregnant. [R&M]
• Don't believe celebrity hype machines like the Times: Britney Spears uttered just four sentences at the Video Music Awards, not counting her brief awards acceptance speeches. Shockingly, Spears is said to be upset by her estranged mom's tell-all book about Spears's life.
• Advertisers rejected the idea of having Girls Gone Wild honcho Joe Francis on Celebrity Apprentice. Donald Trump is at least pretending to think about creating some kind of other show for Francis to be creepy on. [P6]
• As Tommy Lee Jones has learned, you can make a $160 million movie that wins four Academy Awards, and the movie studios will still try and screw you out of your bonus. [E!]
• Lindsay Lohan supposedly wants to have a baby and raise it with Samantha Ronson. The classy Sun notes that she already has "two beautiful babies."
• Ashlee Simpson: Pregnant with twins. Except for the minor detail that her rep says "it's not true." [Sun]
• JFK's letters to Marilyn Monroe are in some kind of lock box that only Cindy Adams and some random Monroe groupie know about. [Post]

• Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild scuzz, has for some reason hired as his personal assistant Holly Montag, sister of the actress Heidi Montag. He reports she is "probably the best assistant I have ever had," by which he means she waited for him to get out of prison and greatly increases the chances he will score some sort of reality television deal. [P6]
• Chace Crawford of Gossip Girl is supposedly trying to get into the pants — sorry, "cozy up" to — Amanda Hearst, the heiress. [P6]
• On 30 Rock, Jennifer Aniston will play a "free spirited stalker," a role that makes about as much sense as "John Mayer's wife forever." Her character will at least have the good taste to become obsessed with Jack Donaghy, like the rest of us. [Us]
• Lindsay Lohan posted "ILY" to "SR" on her MySpace page, and people specially trained in journalism used their investigative skills to determine this was an "I Love You" to "Samantha Ronson." Then they told the WORLD. [Sun]
• Britney Spears thanks her conservator: "My father saved my life." [Showbiz Spy]

NBC is staying mum about the new season of 'The Apprentice,' but Hollyscoop.com has learned exclusively that 'Girls Gone Wild' creator Joe Francis has been added to the lineup.

"I’m doing celebrity apprentice," Francis told Hollyscoop backstage at the Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew.

Earlier this week Donald Trump told Ryan Seacrest that he's been getting calls from stars that want to revive their career. So far it's rumored that Khloe Kardashian, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Dennis Rodman are going to join Donald's hit show.

Can Francis hope to out-lech last season's contestant Gene Simmons, or will a jailhouse conversion have made him the next Stephen Baldwin? One thing's for sure: we can't wait to see Francis flash those baby teeth at Joan Rivers and Kim Kardashian, convincing them to romp together on a leather couch in a sapphic matchup that's most assuredly of legal age.

• Joe Francis To Join Celebrity Apprentice [Hollyscoop]