The Associated Press reports that the funeral cost $1m in total and the family were also charged $1,975 for wardrobe, $2,000 for usher costumes, "$959 for embroidery; $11,716 for invitations and programs; $16,000 for flowers; $30,000 for cars and security; and $15,000 for a funeral designer."

I suppose it was naive to even hope that people would stop seeing Jackson as a kind of weird, frail piggy-bank after his death. Cursory investigations reveal that this woman designed the invitations to the ceremony - the ones that cost $11,716. She says the following on her website:

My experience in defining and executing the mood of your special day is my area of expertise. Because of my unique personalized service, you will have the experience you have always dreamed about. In short, I can connect with your desires & satisfy your budget at the same time.

She's definitely good at writing fancy, but define 'satisfy your budget'. I know nothing about the world of high-end calligraphy so I've emailed to ask whether this is a typical price for pieces of paper with nice handwriting on them.

No, really. Yesterday, there was this tiny item buried in the New York Post. Maybe they wanted to be nice to a publicist? Or maybe because this kind of thing was too ghoulish even for Halloween.

Michael Jackson's dad thinks the singer is "worth more dead than when he was alive." Joe Jackson, 80, let that slip last night in an interview on the syndicated TV show "Extra." Jackson — decked out in creepy sunglasses and a blinged-out, black, chalk-stripe suit — quickly recognized his gaffe and blurted out, "I'd rather have him alive."

One hell of a necrophiliac Freudian slip, right? Extra has the item up on their site, but no video, yet: again, wonder why. Meanwhile, when the early week's numbers for This Is It aren't being praised/castigated/positioned both ways by Nikki Finke, the movie's been predicted by Box Office Guru to possibly - maybe - break the $20M mark by the end of the weekend, which is short of the earlier predicted $30M mark.

Whether or not it's "impressive" or a "disappointment," however? Meh. Leave it to studios and math geeks. All that matters is that Joe Jackson sees dollah dollah bills, y'all. Which means Jackson is a star yet again. Give this man awards, Al Sharpton! Abusive in life, abusive in death. Parents won't stop being embarrassing until the universe just flat-out ends.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin/Garry Sun.]

According to the New York Times, the premiere at both the AMC Magic Johnson theater in Harlem and the Regal E-Walk Stadium 13 in Times Square were a complete bust. There has been a lot of anticipation for the film, cobbled together after Jackson's death in June with footage recorded at rehearsals for the This Is It tour. Well, anticipation everywhere but the Big Apple. Only a few dozen fans gathered at the Magic Johnson, and the Regal only sold out one of the three screens the movie was playing on, even though they managed to attract a bunch of B-listers.

Compare that to L.A., which filled the Nokia Theatre LA Live and had all sorts of A-listers turn out. In France, Germany, and China, thousands of fans—many in their finest Michael Jackson regalia—went to check out the film. In New York, everyone yawned and went home early on a rainy night.

Let us compare some pictures of the evening, shall we?

[Images via Getty]

A fan got all dressed up as a Michael Jackson doll for the film's premiere in Tokyo.
Jermaine Jackson and other members of the Jackson Five walked the red carpet outside the Nokia Theatre, which hosted Hollywood's celebrity-riddled premiere.
A scant crowd gathers outside the Regal theater in Times Square.
A fan busts some of MJ's moves before attending the premiere in Mumbai.
In typical fashion, Joe Jackson made it all about himself, accepting a "celebrity star" before the Las Vegas premiere at the Palms Resort.
Will Smith signing autographs at the L.A. premiere. Other celebrities in attendance included Paris Hilton, Jennifer Lopez, Paula Abdul, Adam Lambert, Neil Patrick Harris, Katy Perry, Allison Janney, Anne Heche, and the cast of Glee.
Julie Henderson, Russell Simmons, Coco, Ice T, and Nile Rodgers arrive in New York. Other celebrities people in attendance included Gayle King, Michael Urie, Rosie Perez, Nikki Blonsky, Carol Alt, Dreama Walker, Sherri Shepard, Nigel Barker, and Dylan Lauren.
The afterparty for the L.A. premiere featured a pack house and the ghost of Michael Jackson as channeled by a giant seance.
A large crowd gathers—including a flash mob—gathers outside the Grand Rex theater in Paris. Le freak, c'est chic!
The German audience in Berlin couldn't wait to moonwalk into the Cinestar theater.
A Jackson tribute show entertained thousands of fans in front of the Saga Theater in Beijing. Apparently, Michael Jackson attire was optional.

• Oogh. Lindsay Lohan has reportedly (1) been dropped by her record label, (2) been working for French fashion label Ungaro for free, even going so far as to cover her own expenses on her trip to Paris for their show, and (3) has had a camera crew following her around for what appears to be a reality TV show that her PR rep declined to comment on. She also "scooped up" $100,000 in threads from Ungaro while she was working with them, so, you know, at least she got something out of it. But those new lips ain't gonna pay for themselves, sister. In fact, those lips are beginning to look more and more like the sub-prime mortgage of plastic surgery; she's gonna be paying for those things until they get foreclosed on. I have no idea what that means. Anyway: when Michael Lohan begins to look even remotely sensible in any context, you're doing something wrong. Stop doing wrong things. Stop fucking up, Lindsay. You losing your BlackBerry in a bodega is enjoyable gossip. This is not enjoyable gossip. This is Sunday. Don't make us deal with this shit on a Sunday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brad Pitt ran his motorcycle into a parked car. I'm pretty sure there was a decent "Yo mama" joke about this back in the day, but it's just not as funny when Brad Pitt does it, right? Also, the Daily News uses the old "but he's gonna be fine, ladies" as if they assume their readership of items about Brad Pitt injuring himself is either a majority of or limited to women. Wrong, New York Daily News. So I'll do it for them: Ladies and Men Who Wish Brad Pitt Were Gay As The Day, he's gonna be fine. [NYDN]
  
  
• The Rock, or The Cock? Har har, but no, seriously, Dwayne Johnson sounds like a real asshole. Story: a security guard approaches Dwayne Johnson on a rooftop while he's filming a movie with Mark Wahlberg, Will Ferrell and Samuel L. Jackson. The guard asks The Rock for an autograph for his son, a huge fan, and The Rock shuts him down, saying that he can't give an autograph to everyone who asks. Which is when the security guard grabbed the nearest chair, bashed it over The Rock's head, put him in a figure-four leg-lock, and had his kid dropped from a helicopter onto The Cock's head with one elbow down. I wish. No, instead, he sulked off, saying something about his kid not being a fan anymore, and then The Cock gave him his patented death stare or whatever. Do you smell what The Cock is cooking? Yes, that's correct: horseshit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of cock, they're turning Cocktail into a musical, and Katie Holmes might be cast in it. Meanwhile, Tom Cruise is probably gay. Just sayin'. [Page Six]
  
  
• And apparently, he'd appreciate the humor of Margaret Cho, who makes gay people laugh. Page Six: the anthropologists of our time. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sienna Miller — currently on Broadway right now doing fairly well — is "bunking" with platonic friends in Nolita right now. Apparently, there're a bunch of celebrities in the building, and she's just added onto their crazy stats. Also, she forced the New York Times to correct a story about her previous boyfriends, but who hasn't forced the New York Times to correct a story about their previous boyfriends? Exactly. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hello, Broadway Geighs! Jonathan Groff of Spring Awakening fame is probably dating Gavin Creel of Hair fame. If you have any idea who the people I'm talking about are, you probably watch Glee. Maybe too much Glee. [Page Six]
  
  
• Roman Polanski candidly discussed his culpability in his situation with Esquire magazine, of all places. Thanks, Roman, for not hitting us up first. Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's rare that I feel terribly for Courtney Love, but in this instance, it's hard not to: apparently, she was chased out of LA by her former "handlers" who essentially bugged her every move and tried to extort her nine ways to Tuesday. So: she moved to New York, and is trying to sue the life out of them. Where's Francis Bean in all of this? [NYDN]
  
  
• Signs that Rev. Al Sharpton is getting old and going senile: he gave Joe Jackson an award. For what? Infamously inflicting irreversible damage on his kids? Asshole. [NYDN]
  
  
• No fun here: Andrew Lloyd Weber has prostate cancer. Cats still sucks, however. [NYDN]
  
  
• Bill Maher's in love with his girlfriend, and might marry her. Which is a change of pace for him. [NYDN]
  
  
• Shakira's in Freudian psychotherapy for some kind of oral fixation. The rest of America is fixated on her ass, etc, etc. She's also having a kid and getting ready for it. [NYDN]
  
  
• Morrissey went to the hospital after collapsing onstage and was discharged shorty thereafter; he was having "breathing difficulties." If every day is like Sunday, or at least, Sundays like these, it must really, really suck to be Morrissey. [Sky News]

On that note! Many days are like Sunday! But not all of them. This one, though, definitely.

[Image via Eliot Press/Bauer-Griffin]

Us Weekly reports that Rebbie Jackson, Michael's oldest sister and the one who is suhttp://publish.gawker.com/ged/5381533#pposedly caring for the children, is not participating in the show and believes it would make Michael "spin in his grave." The children are in the custody of their grandmother, Katherine, who will participate in the show along with her husband Joe, who was always the mastermind behind the family's grabs at fame. A source tells Us that Katherine "is just going along with things."

Didn't the family learn their lesson the first time around. A life that started in the spotlight didn't turn out that great for Michael, why would he want to inflict that on these children as well. And look at poor Blanket in the picture above. Does that look like a kid who wants to have cameras in his bedroom?

The rest of the family—including Janet, the most famous living Jackson—is on board for either five hour-long episodes or 10 half hours. There will be 23 Jacksons in total, so it sounds like the whole brood will be counting their reality television money together.

Update: A rep for A&E told CNN that Michael Jackson's children "are not part of the series." Us Weekly says it stands by its story.

[Image via Getty]

1.) Whitney!

2.) Where do broken hearts go?
Harpo Studios, Chicago.

3.) Was Hailey Glassman on Monday's episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8?
While Kate was away shooting guns, Jon was playing dress up with his daughters, pulling from a bag of women's clothes that definitely were not his soon-to-be-ex-wife's. A girl in the background, with her face blurred out, was lending a helping hand.

Jon filled out his dress, nicely.

I love how one of the little girls ended up looking like Mary-Kate Olsen.

4.) David Rothenberg, grown up
When I was younger, I was obsessed with this TV movie David, starring Bernadette Peters.

It was based on the true story of David Rothenberg, who was only 6-years-old when his father tried to murder him by setting him on fire, and causing severe burns to over 90% of David's body.

The real David whom the movie was based on was befriended by Michael Jackson. David, now in his 30s, has lived a really private life (and changed his name to Dave Dave), but resurfaced this week when he attended—and spoke at—MJ's burial.

He also debunked rumors on Larry King Live.

5.) He's not angry, he's mad.
In other MJ news, Joe Jackson speaks out for the first time since the other times he spoke out.

6.) The poor girl's brother just died!
Alena Jenkins, the 19-year-old sister of Ryan Jenkins, was interviewed today on Good Morning America. Alena is the one who most likely drove her brother to the motel where he subsequently hung himself. While trying to be a hard-nosed journalist, this GMA reporter just ended up coming off like an insensitive ass.

7.) Maureen McCormick is losing weight for publicity…again.

She's also losing her mind.

8.) Who wants an Alter-Ego?

9.) "Her future ambition is to be a successful woman."
Crawl before you walk, bitch. God!

10.) "Limousines, Parties"
Did you know that the Daytime Emmy Awards is the most glamorous night in television?

Pure glamour!

To many news outlets, the funeral and its cast of characters were breaking news. Jackson was one of the most talented, successful and media-ready celebrities ever. Every twist and turn since the singer's death has become a headline, a morsel to be devoured by an ever-hungry public. Still, tonight's script had somewhat hushed and network anchors were forced to offer tabloid details (Liz! Macaulay Culkin! Lisa Marie Prestley!) while also describing the event as "intimate." That combination, we're sure, sparked a bit of cognitive dissonance.

But clearly this mournful milestone was not simply a family affair. Yes, fans were prohibited from participating, but, in the end, only about a dozen even showed. It was the media the police had to wrangle and keep confined. Even barricaded, though, the media still received its feed from the Jackson family itself, who had set up a spot light and camera to mark the occasion. Whether it was for our benefit or theirs depends on one's perspective and levels of cynicism.

Blessedly, though, cameras were turned off for the actual funeral, during which Gladys Knight sang and Al Sharpton spoke. The spectacle that has surrounded Jackson himself, his body and his nearly ritualistic send-off has finally come to a close. The story of his death and those involved, however, will go on, and of course will not remain so respectful.

• Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow were on Howard Stern's show and they took the opportunity to give Katherine Heigl a good trashing. You may recall that Heigl had some critical things to say about Knocked Up after the film made her a star, saying that it "paints women as shrews." Speaking about Heigl's new film, The Ugly Truth, Rogen said, "That [movie] looks like it really puts women on a pedestal in a beautiful way," while Apatow added, "I hear there's a scene where she's wearing underwear with a vibrator in it, so I'd have to see if that was uplifting for women." Everybody hates Katherine Heigl. [Us Weekly]
  
  
• Crazy old Joe Jackson has confirmed that the Norwegian man rumored to be Michael Jackson's biological son, Omer Bhatti, is indeed Michael Jackson's biological son. [Daily News]
  
  
• K-Fed is still packing on the pounds. Like, dude is large. And Britney, that trollop, is mocking him behind his back, going around calling him "K-Fatter-line" to all her friends. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson employs the most expensive grooming handlers in the world and she will probably send Viacom into bankruptcy with her new VH1 reality show's outrageous hair and makeup budget. [Page Six]
  
  
• A new book on Robert Redford claims that he basically wanted to kill Scarlet Johansson when he directed her in The Horse Whisperer in the late 90s. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Poor Sienna Miller. Her newest shag-buddy, Balthazar Getty, has run back into the arms of his wife, while she's drowning her sorrows at The Box on the Lower East Side. For shame. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• The mother of Jude Law's latest child has been revealed to me Samantha Burke, an aspiring model and actress. [Mirror]
  
  
• Here is George Clooney's new "lapdance model" lady-friend dressed as a nun with her boob hanging out. [Sun]
  
  
• You have to admit, for a woman of any age, much less a woman of 40, Jennifer Aniston looks pretty damn good. Why can't poor Jenn find love?! [Daily Mail]

July 24 @ 11pm Was sitting in VIP seats last night at the Beyoncé concert in NJ when I noticed a large group walking behind us. It was Joe Jackson with around 12 young girls either going backstage with Beyoncé or leaving the show.

July 25 @ 2:20pm Saw Joe Jackson outside the Hard Rock Café in Times Square. Surrounded by people taking pictures, he seemed all too happy to oblige.
[Submit Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com]

1.) Toddlers & Tiaras Is Back!

You know, the show that puts daughter-less mothers—who refuse to accept reality—on reality TV.

2.) Twinemies
The premiere episode of the second season featured twins AshLynn and BreAnne, who are forced to compete against each other. The mom so obviously likes BreAnne better. It's totally Jacob Have I Loved. Usually BreAnne wins the crowns, but at this pageant, she threw a temper tantrum and her father wouldn't let her compete for the rest of the day, so AshLynn ended up winning. BreAnne won't accept this. One day, a therapist will get an earful from one or both of them.

3.) Hand Puppets
This little girl is so Anna Nicole. Not because she's from Texas.

And not because she's cranky and flashy.

And not because she doesn't always make sense.

And not because her good behavior at photo shoots is rewarded with trips to McDonalds. No, she mostly reminds me of Anna Nicole because she has a face full of makeup and acts like a four year old. Also, her two best friends are her mother's hands, which she believes to be people, and that's something I can see Anna Nicole subscribing to.

4.) The Insider So Totally Doesn't Get "Ethics"



But at least they're curious.

5.) World's Strongest Toddler: That Don't Impress Ah Me Much



TLC did a whole special on this kid and the best evidence of his "title" was him lifting his mom's wuss weights over his head. Big whoop. Wake me up when he can French braid his own hair.

6.) Teens, Need A Summer Job?
Teenagers 16 and up are allowed to strip in Rhode Island (as long as they're home before midnight).

7.) Joe Jackson: "I started Leonard's career in music promotion."
Leonard:

8.) This Isn't An SNL Skit

9.) Crazy Old German Lady Beats Up Librarian, Gets Away With It
This is from some kind of Cops format show. I could barely edit it down because it's too awesome, beginning to end. While I love the German lady's outbursts, I'm also into how upset the one librarian gets when it's implied that she couldn't find the U.N Charter. ("I didn't even get the chance to look!")

10.) That's So Lindsay

His ringtone was a quacking duck. (Sound familiar?)

Related: Duck Ringtone Interrupts President [Gawker]

• Oh, christ. They're here: Jon and Kate's Spawn Of 8 have landed in New York City for some kind of TLC marketing event. While Jon sets up his gangsta-ass bachelor pad of Ed Hardy shirts and Malboro Reds and probably a Foosball table or something, Kate - who I genuinely feel bad for, now, if only because we're all learning exactly what kind of douchebag was hiding in that repressed manchild of a human being she was married to - was taking questions from her kids in the vein of "are we there yet" and "when will we officially be able to call our existence tortured?." Meanwhile, what the hell is TLC doing dragging them to New York for a marketing thing? Also, the midgets from TLC's midget show (not it's actual name) were there and so were some other people. Anyway, if you happen to see them above ground or below ground, I don't know, keep the kids away from the tunnels and don't let them go to Mansion with Dad. In fact, they should all probably be rounded up and kept in a glass case at Mars 2112 so we can show tourists what we think of them despite stimulating our economy: yes, we look at you, especially when your kids are screaming about getting a bottle of Vitamin Water, because we want to beat you with one. Truth. Oh, and apparently, the paparazzi and security guards surrounding this nonsense got into a fight and Jon was nowhere to be seen because he was probably trying to (unsuccessfully) get into Minetta Tavern. Sorry, man, but it ain't happening. [People and People]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson's sucking the blood out of New York's service industry: he's a shitty, shitty tipper. He closed the place out and went just short of 15%; kid, you've got a lot of learning to do. Everyone in this town tips 20 or gives blow jobs to make up for it. Amirite? Anyone? Well, it's how I learned the hard way. [Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• White rapper Asher Roth was called out by fans after telling a crowd of celebrities (including Stephanie Pratt, "celebrity") that he'd just graduated from Cornell. They all toasted him and his fans were like, dude, you went to some shitty junior college and he went into his next song. Ha. White rappers are silly. [NYP]
  
  
• David Arquette apologized for calling Latin women "nuts;" this sounds silly, but really, takes one to know one, right? As far as being crazy goes, however, David has no experience in that. Am I suggesting he's secretly a Latin woman? Yes. Yes I am. [US]
  
  
• Gangsta-ass Lindsay Lohan is getting back at her stalkerazzi with a squirt gun. I used to do this to my overzealous cats. I'd pretend they'd be trying to take pictures of me and I'd be like, NO, BACK OFF and squirt them and run in heels. More fun than it sounds, especially when you have a New York-sized apartment and too much vodka lying around. [PITNB]
  
  
• A billionaire whose kid is in NYC Prep is mortified at the behavior of his kids, but secretly thinks Richard's recaps are the BEST THING EV-AR. Maybe? [Page Six]
  
  
• Other terrible item: Michael Jackson was apparently kicked really hard in the balls by Joe Jackson at one point, so much so that he was unable to reproduce later in life. Basically, Joe Jackson is the worst human being ever, or something. Question: would we have Michael Jackson if Joe didn't abuse him? Answer: no. [WWTDD]
  
  
• Latest victim of the housing crisis: 50 Cent. Our friend Fitty neglected to ask "21 Questions" about how much his 19 bedroom, 37 bathroom Hartford house was going to be worth a few years after he bought it, but he just had to cut the price down from $14.5M to $10M. He says he's tired of the commute into New York - heh - and wants to downsize. But Fitty! Where will you take a shit when you're home now that you will not have a bathroom every two feet? This is dangerous business, we're talkin'. Oh, also, the house used to be owned by Mike Tyson, so, not that it's cursed, or anything. [NYP]
  
  
• Remember Limp Bizkit, the band that defined a generation of high school freshman for life? Frontman Fred Durst got married, and then played a reunion concert in Vegas last night for the first time in nine years. Somewhere, someone in a Von Dutch hat is screaming about his rain dance working. [People]
  
  
• Sigh. This is genuinely sad: Mischa Barton's on suicide watch after being institutionalized by friends after a three day coke binge. She was going nuts and going to kill herself. On a separate note, I think when the producers of The O.C. killed Marissa Cooper, they killed a part of Mischa Barton. If you watched the show all the way through to the end of the third season, you would understand this. Not that I did. Just sayin'. Get better, Coop. [NYP]
  
  
• Ha, yeah: that "salt solution" Octomom-Lady's kid was taken to the hospital for in yesterday's roundup? It was from one of those "make your own volcano" kits. Which, like, what was a two year old doing around that? Then again, it's nice to see she's got high standards for them. Anyway. Public opinion still has her going in a volcano, so, yeah, maybe she's just starting her own intelligence agency and research arm made up of her children. Nice. [Daily News]
  
  
• Aw, shit: French President (say it with me) SAHER-KOZE-EE! went running in Central Park and even his bodyguards are great looking. Anyway, he stopped to say hello to admirers who let him know how much they'd like to do his wife. He smiled and said thank you and I know, isn't she great? [Daily News]
  
  
• Ultimate Blind Item: Rush and Malloy's big 'scoop 'o the week is a callgirl who says she's got yet another fuckhead-y governor who took her out on three hot dates. Who is it?! As a proud former citizen of the great state of Nevada, I'd like to nominate wackadoo asshole Jim Gibbons. Jim, I'm rooting for you. Anybody else? Oh, also in hooker trivia, Bernie Madoff apparently paid Spitzer's madam's girls to give him back rubs. Just back rubs. Evil's so weird. [R & M]

The ticket system is already down at the official site for the Staples Center, where those who want to attend can apply for tickets now, and the window for applying closes at 6PM (PDT) tomorrow. Winners are going to be selected by random drawing, not first-come, first-serve. It looks like the system's already crashing for those who want to get in. The drawing is only for citizens of the United States, which is sure to be pretty hot-button topic; Jackson's foreign fans were far more forgiving of the absolute strangeness that was the story of the end of his life than his American fans were. Details on the actual goings-on of the memorial service are nil, from the press conference. It looks as though there's no way for them to circumvent scalpers and the like. Ken Sunshine, family spokesman: "Anyone who tries to take advantage of this system: shame on you."

Jan Perry, acting L.A. mayor, asked for donations to city departments to help the foot the costs of accommodating the city services associated with the memorial. California's broke, and they couldn't even pay for a Lakers parade, so it's pretty clear that the City definitely is trying to avoid shelling out for whatever bills they can avoid paying. The LAPD has noted that people without tickets won't be allowed access to the area; they'll be stopped at a "great distance" from the Staples Center if they aren't holding. The city is urging people to watch the memorial service from home, and Perry made it sound like downtown L.A. is basically going to be shut down.

No information on the costs have been released, nor who's footing them, whether it's Jackson's family or the concert promoter who was going to put up Jackson's London shows.

Am I the only one who has the slight inclination to consider the possibility that this thing's going to be a truly ugly shitshow? Between Joe Jackson's cold shilling of his son, the legacy, and not his son, the person - who the public is still trying to understand, let alone his own family - if this thing isn't in the right hands (which are probably in short supply around the Jackson clan right now) it could turn out to be utterly miserable, exploitative, and callous.

Let's hope for the best. At the end of the day, a guy is dead. In an ideal world, he'd get the dignity that escaped his waking life and the public eye after dying. Probably not a likely outcome, but: we can hope, right? Right?

Obviously the Michael Jackson story is big news, and the man's father has a right to say what he wants about his dead son, but the twinkly gleam in his eye as he revels in the press attention just chills our blood a little bit, the record company plug being the cherry on top.

Sad that even in death, MJ still isn't free of his scary father.

Earlier: Watch Joe Jackson Stoically Use His Son's Death to Plug a DVD

The Blu-Ray plugging comes in at about the 3:20 mark, but the whole thing is completely cringe-worthy right from the start and doesn't stop until the very end. To his credit, Don Lemon maintained his composure throughout the interview and resisted what must have been an overwhelming urge to grab Jackson, slap him across his face a few times and shake him vigorously while screaming, "What the hell is wrong with you old man!"

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