The conference, organized by Phyllis Schlafly (she is still around!), took place in St. Louis, which was a neat trick because it meant that even though five congress members and various presidential contenders were there, no one actually covered it, because who wanted to go to St. Louis this weekend?

Issues discussed: "How To Counter The Homosexual Extremist Movement," "How To Stop Socialism In Health Care" and "How To Recognize Living Under Nazis & Communists."

Oh, and Joe the Plumber was there.

Wurzelbacher was given a golden wrench and golden plunger by Reps. Price and King, the purpose of which was to throw a wrench in the works and to flush out Washington, according to the Free Press. He lamented the value placed on good speeches by politicians, quoting Benjamin Franklin's comment that "well done is better than well said."

And Michele Bachmann! Whoo boy! She said that if conservatives take control of Congress next year they will "repeal" ACORN and "defunding the left is going to be so easy and it's going to solve so many of our problems."

And Mike Huckabee wants to somehow send the east side of Manhattan adrift, into the sea, because of the UN building and because he is a terrorist.

According to Huckabee, "it's time to get a jackhammer and to simply chip off that part of New York City and let it float into the East River, never to be seen again!" We are pretty sure the UN building would be seen again! If it avoided running aground in Williamsburg it would probably just wash up on Montauk.

As you can see in this confusing and poorly shot amateur video, Gladney was brutally beaten by goons and required immediate medical care (he is the guy who is briefly knocked over 6 seconds into the video and who is then shown up and running around and acting pretty much fine for the remaining 3 minutes). He got a lawyer and went to the hospital. (Maybe even in that order!)

And then of course he is suddenly showing up at demonstrations and on Fox News in a wheelchair and all bandaged up, because the union thugs dropped a piano on his head while he was just eating some birdseed under a giant "X." Gladney needs your help!

Supporters cheered. Brown finished by telling the crowd that Gladney is accepting donations toward his medical expenses. Gladney told reporters he was recently laid off and has no health insurance. [emphasis added]

Right. Well. Basically all the miserable perversions of our entire broken political system are just kinda sitting there mocking you, right? This litigious uninsured charity case is the new spokesman of the Republican Party.

McCain's making publicity rounds again, in some kind of incredible quadruple-floop-reverse-psychology media strategy that falls somewhere between the minds of Willy Wonka and Crispin, Porter +Bogusky. It involves her going to liberal media outlets and talking smack on the Republican Party, appearing to piss off Daddy, and burying the lede (that she's, like, so the future of the Republican Party). This time, she totes kicked it with her Geigh Friends at Out, and had this to say about the McCain/Palin campaign's breathing version of the Sickle and Hammer, political casualty Joe The Plumber:

"Joe the Plumber — you can quote me — is a dumbass. He should stick to plumbing,"

Know your place, silly prole mascot! You excavated shit for a living before you ruined her shot at awesomeness and that's all you're ever going to do now that she can't Roll With Her Homies in DC. Meanwhile, she also told Out that, besides advocating the legalization of gay marriage, she'd "be flattered to be considered the anti-Ann Coulter, the anti-Rush Limbaugh," and managed to completely avoid discussing Sarah Palin. Nice. She also supposedly got Rush Limbaugh to tell her to go Arlen Specter and just peace out on the Republicans, which Dad's definitely going to love.

Meanwhile, she continues to add editorial luster to The Daily Beast by coming down on Young Republicans election of a racist to their leadership post, is advising young people to fuck cowboys (and not horses), and is not preggers/did not see Tupac get shot, and is currently getting trashed on DayQuil as I write this.

There's quite simply nothing to be said or done that could adequately express how utterly confounding, impressive, and awe-inspiring Meghan McCain's media strategy is. She's the Lady Gaga of political nobodies; it's like Dash Snow died, and she stepped in. Every publicist in the world should be taking notes, as this is how you defy expectations: subversively call everyone on their bluff and wait for them to keep thinking you're full of shit before the joke becomes an Andy Kaufman-esque reality.

Or just extend teenage belligerence into some kind of professional career. Either way, genius.

Meghan McCain Will Be Heard [Out]

Drug-addled Demagogues

Rush Limbaugh is the leader of the popular entertainment wing of the new conservative tabloid leadership. We all know he's a thrice-married former junkie, but he's mostly a harmless, unlikable slimeball, these days. A rich unlikable slimeball who is currently working as hard as anyone to destroy the Republican party for a generation, but he finished his worst work twenty years ago, when he invented the Fox model of radicalizing the cantankerous old white men who make up the natural audience for conservative media. His audience is still huge, but they're a minority now.

It's hard to tell whether borderline case Glenn Beck actually knows what he's doing. His transition from standard-issue talk radio jerkoff to evangelical Bircher stoking violent rage was obviously a calculated decision that's reaping financial rewards, but one still gets the impression that he's too dumb to actually realize what he's playing with (like Charles Johnson but with an audience of millions, basically). He, of course, is a recovering alcoholic and probably worse who "found God."

The Tabloid Families

For a look at how well John McCain's pick for running mate turned out for the Republican party, just have a gander at Us Weekly's Levi Johnston tag page. In a different era, this sort of sordid family drama would not be playing out in the glossies. Of course, even in this era this sort of sordid family drama doesn't play out in the glossies if the family is halfway decent at managing the press.

But McCain's own family wasn't immune from hilarious tabloid coverage during the election.

The Plain Morons

For some reason, supposedly smart conservatives think most "regular Americans" are unlikable idiots, and so they prop up unlikable idiots as party spokespeople.

Like Joe the Plumber! He, like all regular blue-collar guys, is a lazy moron who is oddly obsessed with a fantasy about Barack Obama hating Israel. His name is not Joe and he is not a plumber. He is proudly misinformed and works as a perfect representative of what rich conservatives think of the working classes.

And now, there is Carrie Prejean. She is a beauty pageant loser who coined the term "opposite marriage." Conservatives apparently decided everyone was infringing on her First Amendment Rights when they roundly mocked her for being inarticulate and dumb in addition to bigoted. Now anti-gay activist Maggie Gallagher basically wants to adopt her and Tony Perkins' Family Research Council is praising her "fortitude." Go ahead, anoint Miss California your new traditional family values mascot! Because Americans have a great deal of respect for the intellect and opinions of losing beauty pageant contestants

See, conservative superlobbyist Grover Norquist holds a secretive, off-the-record power breakfast each Wednesday with various DC conservative powerbrokers and journalists (WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE, KAUS?) For years, many have wondered what goes on at these meetings. Now we know: they wear ridiculous clothes, for laughs.

Some employee of Grover's got drunk and bought a Snuggie, which is how 100% of Snuggie purchases happen, and then he brought it into work. The rest is history! Terrible internet history! This guy promises to bring the Snuggie to the next Wednesday meeting, which means we'll soon have even MORE of these wonderful photos.

In the meantime, here are Joe, Tucker Carlson, and Andrew Breitbart, all looking ridiculous, wearing memes.

See, new RNC chairman Michael Steele masked a reasonable and quite necessary strategy—attracting youths and minorities to the GOP—in the stupidest language possible. But while people like us make fun of him for the language (and for being, generally, a buffoon), people like Joe "The Plumber" The Plumber are actually offended and frightened by the idea of a Republican party that isn't solely controlled by and for "regular people" or "real Americans" which means "aging white men." Like Joe the Plumber.

"Unfortunately we have a chairman up there who wants to redefine conservatism; he wants to make it hip hop, put it in a new package and sell it."

"You can't sell principles; either you have them or you don't," he added, to applause from the audience of 800 people.

Yeah! Your statement almost makes sense but doesn't really! Whoo! You can't put conservative principles in a new package and sell them, you have to have them, or not! Dammit! No colored music!

Later this month, Bristol Pail will criticize Jonathan Krohn for being a total dweeb, and then Ann Coulter will actually shoot David Brooks in the face, for the same reason.

Or, uh, hanging out in Sderot babbling about how back in the good old days of World War I reporters didn't ruin wars with their reportings and instead we all went to wonderful movies about how great war is, like Paths of Glory and All Quiet on the Western Front.

Joe the Plumber, whose name is not Joe and who is not a plumber, is a dumb Clinton-era parody of an "angry white man" convinced of various falsehoods and given to repeating them loudly to whoever will listen. For a time, last October, television cameras were the ones listening, and Joe happily shouted lies at these cameras, and then he followed John McCain around the country for a while, even though he (Joe) hated him (John).

By the time the election put John McCain out of his misery, it was apparent to everyone that Joe was a fairly standard-issue asshole right-wing crank, like your uncle who has all those ancient Rush Limbaugh books. And after his month of quasi-fame, Joe has valiantly tried to build his brand. Joe the Plumber will help you convert your analog tv to digital, on the internet! He designed an awesome MSPaint cover for his forthcoming book and it looks like at some point he actually got someone semi-professional to fix the weird website some other guy gave him.

(Oh man, did the book ever materialize? You can "buy it" online but it doesn't appear to have been printed or shipped to anyone on Earth. Here's a pretty great Amazon review.)

In other words, Joe's attempts at extending his fame have been tremendous failures, because he is not an interesting or intelligent person, at all.

So now he's going to Israel to watch the war! Joe will be sent courtesy PJTV, the video operation of blog network Pajamas Media, a network of conservative warbloggers. From a presidential debate to prime time cable news interviews to local tv advertising to, now, internet video is obviously a downward spiral, but he seems to be getting paid to report on a war, overseas, which is astounding and absurd. As Joe said himself, when Shepard Smith yelled at him for claiming Barack Obama would personally nuke Israel from space, "Listen, you don't want my opinion on foreign policy."

Joe told some TV station in Toledo that he will let Israel's '''Average Joes' share their story.'' So we'll soon be introduced to "Avi the Average Unemployed Tax Cheat Claiming to Be a Well-Off Middle Class Tradesman Who Also Happens to be a Staunch Likudnik." We thought the Israelis were America's bestest allies! Why would we send them this asshole? Do conservative bloggers secretly hate Israel?

And now Ashley Todd will get a column in the Wall Street Journal. (Called "The 'B' Section") (GET IT?)

The DTV transition affects the public safety of the United States, so it’s imperative that all Americans come together and learn all we can about the DTV transition.

So Joe the Plumber, who is not a licensed plumber or skilled worker of any kind nor even particularly intelligent, will come to your house and fix your TV personally, in next week's exciting installment of "Joe the Plumber Is Not Invited on Cable Networks As Often These Days Theater."

In related news, Ashley Todd would like you to purchase a commemorative "backwards 'B'" silver-dollar coin.

Joe The Plumber’s Life Officially Becomes Off-Putting David Lynch Film [Wonkette]

"I'm not getting paid for things. It's starting to get hard to eat," the now-famous Joe the Plumber tells INSIDE EDITION's Deborah Norville.

What is this, Russia?

On the eve of election day, Joe, a single dad, told INSIDE EDITION he's getting by with help from friends and family, along with donations from well-wishers.

"It's hard being on the receiving end, a little bit of pride gets in there sometimes," admits Joe.

"So you just go to the mailbox and there's an envelope with a check in it, written to your name?" marvels Norville.

"Yes ma'am," Joe says.

With the help of these unidentified checks from shadowy sources, Joe has been able to do some pro bono plumbing for his friend—an Obama supporter. Of course, if McCain won, Joe would probably be set for life. But he won't, so Joe better get back to plumbin'. He has the potential to dominate the Holland, Ohio drain cleaning market, if he acts now.
[Inside Edition]

Joe the Plumber

Who?: Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, an Ohio plumber who was caught on film asking Obama the tough questions about his tax plan, and was mentioned 74976 times in the subsequent debate by John McCain, who tried to use Joe as a symbol of everyday Americans. Turned out to be not quite the all-American guy he seemed.

The Next Step: He's already signed with a publicist and a manager and is pursuing a book contract and a country music career. Both are bound to tank, because Joe fails to realize the fleeting nature of his fame. A better plan: become the best darned plumber that Toledo has ever seen. Your brand is already established! Now go forth and plumb.

William Ayers

Who?: Former member of the 60s far leftist group The Weathermen, now a professor of education and run-of-the-mill activist in Chicago. He is the "terrorist" that Obama "palled around with," according to credible source Sarah Palin.

The Next Step: Ayers has been keeping his mouth shut, doubtless at the request of the Obama campaign. He's probably just waiting for the election to end so he can go back to his normal liberal activism. Way to blow an opportunity, dude! You want to reform education? Why not start the Bill Ayers School Of Political Activism? Train peppy young liberal ideologues to infiltrate our nation's school boards. It worked for Christian fundamentalists!

Jeremiah Wright

Who?: Obama's pastor at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago. He made some remarks about perhaps not being in love with white America for all it has done for African-Americans, and was made into a prime symbol of Obama's sympathy for the radical black agenda of hating white people! According to the McCain campaign. He initially tried to talk in his fiery way to rebut the smear campaign, but the Obama campaign managed to make him be quiet, like Ayers.

The Next Step: Open an Obama-themed gift shop and mail order business, just to "support the church." Slowly expand. Roll out your own line of hot sauce. Wake up one day four years from now and realize that you have become George Foreman. Later, sign commentator contract with Fox News. Slowly become friends with Pat Buchanan.

Bernard Kerik

Who?: Remember way back when Rudy Giuliani was considered a serious candidate? Ha, yes that was a while ago. Kerik was Giuliani's Police Commissioner in NYC during 9/11, and became a de facto "hero" just like his boss. Rudy had big plans for Kerik in his cabinet, until Bernie was indicted for fraud and conspiracy and then everybody realized he was basically just a big incompetent lug who hung out with gangsters and did nothing in his ill-fated position in Iraq and generally had nothing going for him except for the fact that he was friends with Rudy Giuliani, who turned out to be a loser.

The Next Step: Even hard-line Republicans and hapless corporate dupes have come to understand that Kerik has no political future, or good ideas about anything. He should go ahead and go to prison, make friends with mobsters on the inside, and come out as a full-fledged mafioso. That would be cool. One day they could make a movie about it.

Obama Girl

Who?: Pretty girl who made an insanely popular YouTube video about being a pretty girl who has a crush on Obama.

The Next Step: Cheerleader for the Washington Redskins. Playboy centerfold. Have a fling with a Congressman. Make friends with Julia Allison.

Bristol Palin

Who?: Sarah Palin's poor pregnant daughter.

The Next Step: Once your mom loses the election and you turn 18, move as far away from Alaska as you possibly can. Do not get married. Go to college and get a regular job, like a teacher. Try to live a normal life. Jesus, we feel sorry for you, Bristol.

Since the debate, Texas Joe's website has reportedly garnered hundreds of thousands of pageviews, 300 requests for T-shirts, thousands of phone calls, and even a $800,000 offer for the domain name itself. Joe should get in touch with Julia Allison right now to extend the snooze button on his 15 minutes, but at least I know who I'm going to dress up as for Halloween.

This Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher already talks like a GOP pundit (he's got the accidental casual racism down!), and his aw shucks willingness to repeat ancient class war talking points to every camera in sight is actually a bit suspicious for a random voter, but the most important thing about Joe Wurzelbacher is his last name: it's the same as the last name of Charles Keating's son-in-law!

Keating's son-in-law, Robert Wurzelbacher, served a 40-month prison sentence in 1993 in connection with Keating's Lincoln Savings and Loan collapse. Since then, who knows what he's been up to, but there is a Robert Wurzelbacher who lives just outside of Cincinnati, owns a wood company, and donates to Republicans.

Meanwhile there is a Joseph Wurzelbacher who owns a painting company in Cincinnati! Along with a septic tank repair company!

These dots were all connected by a DailyKos diarist, who has no proof that Joe and Robert Wurzelbacher are related, but, you know, it's suspicious. The Wurzelbvacher connection was also made, amusingly, by this right-wing satirical blogger.

But regardless of whether Joe the Plumber is a Republican plant or not, one thing is for certain: he's not actually voting for McCain. Because the asshole isn't actually registered.

Update: Joe the Plumber doesn't pay taxes. At all. He is registered to vote though! But if there's a typo in his registration, which seems possible, his provisional ballot will probably be thrown away. Hah.

Thanks to McCain, Joe's name was mentioned 13 times in the opening minutes of the debate alone, according to Reuters. McCain tried to use him to show how Obama is a typical tax-and-spend liberal who will soak workaday Rust Belt entrepreneurs and force them to sell their F-150 pickups or whatever.

But the ploy backfired when McCain tried to say Obama's health insurance plan would fine Joe for failing to carry coverage on himself.

Asked how much he would fine Joe for not carrying health coverage, Obama replied "zero," sending McCain into one of the many fits of insane, frightening blinking that afflicted him throughout the evening. Obama's plan, you see, exempts small businesses, so Joe will be fine. Zing!

Obama also probably scored some serious Ohio points when he responded to a McCain attack on his free trade policies by calling for tougher enforcement of existing trade agreements and fairer deals in the future. He also wisely disengaged from a discussion of dirty campaigning, an issue on which he could have scored some tactical points, by saying economic woes of everyday people are more important than hurt feelings on the campaign trail. Both responses should play well with blue-collar swing voters concerned about unemployment and the economic meltdown.

Anyway, it's safe to say that one blue-collar worker's opinion of the debate will be especially swingy: Joe Wurzelbacher's. Our guess he's still in the tank for McCain, who made him famous. But only if the Republican nominee represented his views fairly. Decide for yourself whether that's the case; the video of Joe's original interaction with Obama is below.

UPDATE: Joe isn't saying who he's voting for! But he still thinks Obama wants to redistribute his wealth, so that gives you a clue.