Back in August, the Enquirer unleashed a BOMBSHELL EXCLUSIVE: "John Edwards is moving the mother of his love child into his North Carolina neighborhood and will help raise their baby." After failing—or is it passing?—a secret paternity test, Edwards had resolved to bring Rielle and baby Frances to Wilmington (the Edwards' also own an estate in Chapel Hill, N.C.)

So what are we to make of today's BOMBSHELL EXCLUSIVE?

John Edwards is paying for his mistress and their love child to live in a gorgeous million- dollar home that's a short distance from his family's luxury mansion!

Well, there is one slight difference between the two stories. Back in August, Edwards' "cancer-stricken wife Elizabeth exploded in a rage when he told her...that he's moving his mistress and baby to Wilmington, near his plush $2.6 million waterfront mansion." This time, she's taking a more laid-back approach: "[W]e have learned that in a dramatic change of heart, Edwards' cancer-stricken wife Elizabeth has reluctantly agreed to go along with Rielle and the baby moving close to the Edwards' $2.6 million waterfront home."

So there you have it: The first time around, the Enquirer seriously underestimated Elizabeth Edwards' ability to stop her husband from paying for his mistress and illegitimate daughter to live down the beach. As for Elizabeth's change of heart, who knows? It could be that her health has taken a turn for the worse, putting her in a more conciliatory mood. Or it could be that she finally became convinced that giving Hunter everything she wants is the only way to get her to stop telling the National Enquirer everything, all the time. If it was the latter, we now know that she was wrong.

• People "close" to Elizabeth Edwards say she's about to divorce hubby John and reveal all his dirty secrets in court. Yeah, we know the source is the National Enquirer, but they've been pretty accurate when it comes to the Edwards thing. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Maybe baby news! There are rumors circulating that A-Rod impregnated Kate Hudson, but Hudson's team says it's not true. We're at once fascinated and revolted, but more fascinated. [NYDN]
  
  
• Some claim Rihanna's sleeping with Justin Timberlake, but sources insist he's still technically with Jessica Biel, but the couple's definitely headed in the breakup direction. Oh young love! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Jackson knows who's to blame for daddy Michael's death: those concert promoters. She reportedly told auntie La Toya, "What happened is they worked him too hard. He never got the chance to rest. It was non-stop work." Even if that quote's total bullshit, it's still sad. [Mirror]
  
  
• Because someone in Hollywood thinks Jessica Alba can perform, the actress will be in the latest installment of the grossly overrated Meet the Fockers franchise. [PopWatch]
  
  
• A new book claims Liz Taylor tried to kill herself after Richard Burton ended one of their many romances. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Proving that it's hard to kick bad habits, Amy Winehouse and former husband Blake Fielder-Civil have rekindled their love — on Facebook! [The Sun]
  
  
• Poor Emma Watson. She just wanted to go to college like a normal young woman. Too bad no one told her Harvard's filled with a bunch of douche losers who have nothing to do other than stalk her and then tweet about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna told David Letterman that she would rather be turned to pulp by a runaway train than marry again. [HuffPo]
  
  
• People say Entourage star Kevin Dillon and his wife are calling it quits. He's not helping matters by flirting with women left, right and center. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now we can have a Palin nation! Rumor has it the — shit, we don't even know how to describe her — also-ran wants to land a beauty deal to "capitalize on her 'lipstick on a pit bull' catchphrase." [Page Six]

Here is what they are getting at: Andrew Young was gay for John Edwards. Oh, god, he was so, so gay for John Edwards. Wow! Like, from the first paragraph onward:

When John Edwards returned to North Carolina in the course of his long quest for the presidency, Andrew Young always met him at the airport in Edwards's big black Chevy Tahoe. Young drove, and Edwards rode shotgun, silently raising his left hand whenever he wanted a Diet Coke, which Young would wordlessly supply.

Just a bro, out on a road trip, wordlessly providing another bro with some Diet Cokes. In paragraph two, Young is folding Edwards' dry cleaning.

What was Young's job description again?

Young sometimes described himself as Edwards's "special assistant" and dreamed of serving in an Edwards White House. Other aides, with a combination of disgust - and, perhaps, a bit of envy - referred to him as Edwards's "personal servant," or worse, Edwards's "butt boy."

Yes, well, we're beyond insinuation now, aren't we.

Here are some more sentences:

• Starting soon after Edwards was elected to the Senate in 1998, staffers began describing Young as intensely 'jealous' of others who were close to the senator.
• "It's not enough to say that he idolized the guy - there's something deeper and weirder than that."

Oh, and Elizabeth Edwards, what say you?

"In months of talking with [John Edwards], I have come to understand his liaison with this woman, if I have, not as a substitute for me. It was more like his relationship with a former staff member," she wrote. She described an "obsessed" and "overbearing" young volunteer who "volunteered for everything, making himself indispensable," taking care of cars and dry cleaning - an unmistakable portrait, people close to her say, of Young.

This is not even halfway through this article, yet. As it goes on, we learn that Edwards did not reciprocate the passion, so much, but he was happy to "talk about sports" with Young, and even happier to allow Young to claim paternity of Rielle Hunter's child, forcing Hunter to move in with Young's family(!) and then they all had to move the West Coast for a while and then they went back to Chapel Hill. And John stopped taking Young's calls, and then Elizabeth started leaving nasty blog comments about him and leaving messages on Young's wife's voicemail demanding that Young reassert his paternity.

Oh, and then there is this:

And Young, with all the fury of a spurned lover, may be holding out yet another threat to his old idol, if it comes to that: an explicit videotape, two people who have seen it said, of Edwards and Hunter together.

Hah. Yes. Ok. Wheee! What a fucked-up bunch of people.

Someone give Ben Smith and Politico five thousand Pulitzers for this important investigative report into John Edwards' Waylon Smithers.

[Photo: AP]

Apparently, Elizabeth Edwards: less a fan of Rielle Hunter's than we thought. She's

• Talking to a divorce lawyer,
  
  
• Refuses to sign off on any confessions that her husband fathered Hunter's kid,
  
  
• "Vehemently opposes" a plan to have Hunter move near their family's Wilmington beach house, and
  
  
• Has been commenting on the internet under the commenter name "Cherubim." Maybe she was on here? Who knows?!

One blogger seems to have the goods on this Cerubim business, naturally. Via Daily Intel, look see some comments:

As you all continue to discuss Lisa Druke's lastest pay day story from the National Enquirer. I think you all should remember these important facts: John and Elizabeth Edwards have been married for 31 years. They had four children together, three are living, and one, recently, died. Elizabeth Edwards has stage 4 cancer. Any decent human being would not have inserted herself into their lives, and then sold stories about them to the National Enquirer for monetary gain. Lisa Druke, a.k.a. the Rielle (Real) Hunter fills me with disgust. I hope someday to never hear anything about her again.

More somewhat substantial conspiratorial insanity here. Also, commenteratti: at least you can say there's some royalty amongst you, now.

Oh. And then there's this. Remember former Edwards aide Andrew Young's book proposal we looked at last weekend? There's more.

• Edwards supposedly slept with other women besides Hunter. Obv.
  
  
• Elizabeth made John sleep in the barn after she found out about Hunter. She'd come in the middle of the night and start screaming "accusatory rants" at him.
  
  
• Hunter has a psychic. This psychic's name is Bob. Bob told Hunter how she should handle this thing and, presumably, to move to California.
  
  
• Edwards used to talk a bunch of shit on John Kerry until Kerry brought him on as his running mate. He called Kerry "Richie Rich."
  
  
• And the "best" one: Edwards had to call off a birthday date with Hunter. Now, you don't cancel on someone's birthday, because that's mean. But if you found out that day that your wife's cancer returned, you might tell your mistress to hold off no matter what day it is, because, you know, you need to handle this one. So he did. And "an unsympathetic Hunter screamed at him."

And honestly, I don't even know what to do with this:

Ted Kennedy once told Young about a would-be assassin who managed to get into his Senate office because one of his bodyguards was having a gay liaison with one of his top aides.

So, in conclusion, if this is true: John Edwards is a cooze, hell still definitely hath no fury like a woman scorned by a cooze, Ted Kennedy was almost killed because of a Gay bodyguard doing it on the job, and twenty years down the line, these are going to be the worst family reunions in the history of family reunions.

But really, John Edwards is definitely a cooze, regardless of this one. Reille Hunter's insane and meanspirited. Elizabeth Edwards is upset that the guy she loved and had a family with turned out to be one of the slimiest dirtballs in the history of slime, so she can't really be blamed for anything but being in pain. And Andrew Young's book is going to sell many, many, many copies.

To run it down, Neil Lewis' report is a wonderful shitshow of the New York Times getting a little tabloid-y, out to get some of that scandal scrilla. Basically, Edwards' aide came out and said that Edwards is definitely the father of Rielle Hunter's kid.

Hey, remember that time the National Enquirer broke the story of John Edwards' affair and nobody listened? Looks like the Times is running with the ball now. For example:

• There's a federal grand jury investigation going on right now; it's an attempt to suss out whether payments to a mistress of a presidential candidate by an outside source should be considered campaign donations. Grand jury investigations—their aim, the characters involved, more or less everything—are supposed to be conducted in secret.
  
  
• Two wealthy Edwards boosters supposedly paid for Hunter to go away. They also gave her a BMW.
  
  
• Hunter testified about her relationship with Edwards, as well as the benefits provided to him. No details from this, because it could probably land someone in jail.
  
  
• Edwards' aide Andrew Young, in his book proposal that the Times picked up, admits setting up meetings between Hunter and Edwards.
  
  
• Getting quotes from locals who were maybe at the same restaurant with The Edwards, the Times gets this piece of local culture:

  Once the favorite son of much of North Carolina with many supporters beyond, John Edwards is now largely disdained...Shortly after he withdrew from the race in January 2008, Mr. Edwards and his wife were given a huge ovation when they attended a basketball game at the University of North Carolina. But a few months ago, when the couple showed up for dinner at a Chapel Hill restaurant, diners averted their eyes and stared at their plates, according to a person who was there.

  And here I always thought the favorite son of North Carolina was Roy Williams.
  
  

• Fred Baron and Rachel "Bunny" Mellon were the two boosters who shelled out cash to prevent Hunter from blowing the cover. Before he died, Baron admitted to paying Hunter to go away to California without Edwards knowing. Yes, someone named "Bunny" is behind one of the greatest cover-ups in the history of the Democratic party.
  
  
• At one point, Edwards supposedly asked Baron to find a doctor to falsify a DNA report.
  
  
• Hunter's going to move to Wilmington, where the Edwards have a second home.
  
  
• And then, well, this:

  Ms. Hunter gave her daughter the middle name Quinn, and people who have spoken with her said its resemblance to the Latin prefix for five was to proclaim that the baby was Mr. Edwards's fifth child. (He had four with Mrs. Edwards, the oldest of whom was killed in a car accident).

And that's pretty much the ballgame, with the New York Times definitely encroaching on the Enquirer's (and I guess: our!) territory. Glynnis MacNicol at Mediaite wonders if the story's been vetted, which, really, that's the thing to ask? MacNicol does make a point that, no, the Times couldn't get anybody on the record and yes, they admit to only having "examined" it. Given the tough standards Alessandra Stanley faces, who knows what that means? But then again, stop shitting on our parade, Glynnis. Edwards is a cooze and pretty much everyone knows it and this book proposal's probably correct, but either way, they printed it as such: a book proposal.

Yet! The most revealing, scandalous, ridiculous shit in the proposal is nothing like I've ever read in politics, or in any section of the New York Times but the Weddings & Celebrations and maybe—maybe, an especially gauche day for—the Sunday Styles...

[Andrew Young] wrote that Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.

And I'm not talking about the Hospice-Style thing. I mean, less shocking that Edwards was counting on his wife to die so he could marry Hunter (because, really, we already knew how sleazy he is) is maybe the the revelation that Edwards' true, un-PR driven tastes in music—like his political acumen, platform, and downfall—are about as pedestrian (and bombastic!) as we all thought. You couldn't just hire a DJ? And here I was going to make a joke about Edwards and "The Space Between," but I might not have time to before Edwards has another Crash with the Bartender on Grey Street and, oh, god, this is too much fun....

The National Enquirer reports in their new issue that Edwards, who just last week decided to acknowledge that he is indeed the man who knocked up Rielle Hunter, is helping the withered party girl and their baby move to Wilmington, North Carolina so that he can help raise the child and be an active part of her life. Friends of Elizabeth Edwards told The Enquirer that she flipped out when she found out about Hunter's move to their neighborhood.

"She's always figured the child may be John's, but the positive DNA result really floored her. And as if that wasn't bad enough, John told Elizabeth he needed to be in his daughter's life - and that Rielle was moving to North Carolina.

"He told Elizabeth he was tired of all the lies, and that's why he was ready to publicly admit Frances is his baby.

"That's when Elizabeth exploded! In a fit of rage, she grabbed a suitcase and started packing her things . . ."

Seriously, what more could John Edwards possibly do to make his wife's life any more miserable? Maybe instead of using the toilet he can just start defecating all over the family home whenever the urge strikes him?

Citing anonymous sources, WRAL says that Edwards will confirm he's the father of the 18-month-old at some point before the federal grand jury investigating whether or not he used campaign funds to pay off Hunter to keep quiet about the affair completes its work.

Coincidentally, the National Enquirer reported today that it has the results of a DNA test proving Edwards' paternity. Once again, the Enquirer deserves a tip of the hat for the work they did on this story, especially in the early going when the old media did everything they could to cover up how just much of a piece of shit John Edwards really is.

In a "BOMBSHELL WORLD EXCLUSIVE!", the Enquirer says Edwards took a secret DNA test at Hunter's request:

"Rielle had no choice but to demand John take a DNA test," said the close friend.

"She was worried about getting long-term financial support for her daughter. So she hired an attorney, and John consented to undergo a secret swab test to establish paternity.

"There was no surprise: The results of the DNA test proved John was Frances' daddy."

Another source confirmed to The ENQUIRER: "John always knew he was the father of Rielle's baby.

In an ABC News interview last year admitting his affair with Hunter, Edwards had this to say about the paternity issue:

"I would welcome participating in a paternity test. Be happy to participate in one. I know that it's not possible that this child could be mine because of the timing of events, so I know it's not possible. Happy to take a paternity test, and would love to see it happen."

We're sure he absolutely loved taking that test secretly and then reading about it in the pages of the Enquirer, which has been 100% right about everything on this story.

The Associated Press caught her walking into a federal building in Raleigh, N.C., this morning, and snapped a picture. She appears to be carrying the son daughter that Edwards offered to take a paternity test to prove isn't his, a paternity test that curiously still hasn't been administered. Andrew Young, the former Edwards aide who falsely took credit for the kid in order to cover for his boss, testified before the same grand jury last month, the AP says.

[Via Talking Points Memo.]

• Andrew Young is testifying in front of a grand jury as to whether or not John Edwards used campaign funds to keep Rielle Hunter quiet, or as the legal categorization would have it, "Baby Mama Hush Slush." [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Chelsea Clinton's wedding on Martha's Vineyard is going to be at Vernon Jordan's estate in late August, as previously reported. We're saving the date and waiting for our invite. We should probably not hold our breathing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mugatu-esque German designer Karl Lagerfeld got some talk-to-the-hand from Heidi Klum's publicist, who says that the German Vogue issue with Klum on the cover (with an apparent 140-page spread inside) sold more issues than any other. None of this matters, because Lagerfeld is still kind of a scary Mugatu-esque asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh noez! Ron Weasley (Muggle name: Rupert Grint) has the Swine Flu. Gawker exclusive: Weasley was taken to Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing of Hogwarts were they tried to use some healing potions to no avail. Then then had to ship him off on the Hogwarts Express back to Central London, where he became just another awesome celebrity case of Swine Flu. He is now better, and has flown back to the set of re-enactment documentary Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Meanwhile, Hermione Granger (Muggle name: Emma Watson) is keeping her relationship with Weasley under wraps as she publicly announces her plans to attend Columbia University in New York, where I will attempt to charm her with my Muggle blogging skills Brown University in Rhode Island, where she will come into contact with a bunch of Jewish Hipsters who she will hate because she didn't go to Columbia, in New York, a far more magical place than Rhode Island. It will probably fail miserably. Also, Harry Potter (Muggle Name: Daniel Radcliffe) won't date Emma Watson because it'd be too weird for them. Good to know the competition is thinning out. [Daily News, Showbiz Spy, Just Jared]
  
  
• Otis! My man! Tobey Maguire's kid has a name, and thy Spider Man spawn's name is Otis. People has the inside dirt on the middle name, too. [People]
  
  
• Rumer WIllis is going to be a lesbian on 90210. I hate that show and thus you will get no elaboration on what's probably a tragically bad, sub-par attempt at Gossip Girl's ingenious stunt casting. I'm sorry Rumer Willis, but you're no Wallace Shawn. You just aren't. [Daily News]
  
  
• Courtney Love trashed her hotel room at The Inn on Irving Place. Have you ever seen The Inn on Irving Place? It's the closest thing downtown has to a Bed and Breakfast. Like, jesus, Courtney Love: trash The Bowery Hotel. Located conveniently near the old CBGB space, you can relive memories of when that kind of thing was cool in bougie style while throwing things off your balcony at legitimately hot celebrities drinking in Bowery's backyard. Trash the Maritime and throw things out of those weird porthole windows. Trash the douche-magnet Hotel Gansevoorte - seriously, people would love that. Trash DeNiro's Greenwich Hotel or SoHo's Mercer Hotel, which were practically constructed for celebrity destruction. But The Inn at Irving? Are you raging a war on cuteness? Also, you know trashing hotel rooms is, like, so 1999 when Scott Weiland, Marilyn Manson, and the rest o your Home for Formerly Addicted Friends from The Crow soundtrack or whatever aren't doing it anymore. Seriously, old lady, put it on ice and chill the fuck out. You're already inches from this as is. [Page Six]
  
  
• There are 210 diamonds on the ring Kevin Jonas gave to his bride-to-be. Even I'm sitting at home with a gallon of ice cream, crying. We can haz inadequacies? There was also a small engagement party none of us were invited to. They went out for Pizza. [People and Pink Is The New Blog]
  
  
• Levi Johnston, shopping a book. I laugh loudly every time I see mention of Tank, his multi-faceted bodyguard/publicist whose name is Tank. He also does birthday parties. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon doesn't want Clooney or Pitt to take home the People's Sexiest Man Alive three-peat. Instead he's lobbying for Hugh Jackman. I'm still lobbying for Robert Gibbs. [People]
  
  
• Kelsey Grammer is already making jokes about the short-lived, massively underrated sitcom Back To You. [Page Six]
  
  
• Taylor Swift used to pick up Sparklers on the wrong end and burn herself as a child. SWOON. She can do no wrong. [People]
  
  
• Lewis Black believes in the power of the word "fuck." He notes that it's essentially a punctuation mark to many New Yorkers. This is one of those things that isn't "funny because it's true" so much as simply being true. The kind of true thing you hear, and you're like, yeah, what of it? [Page Six]

• There's a John Edwards/Rielle Hunter sex tape out there, says a former Edwards aide, Andrew Young, in a book proposal that is "impossible to put down." He also makes a few interesting claims that, you know, could be substantial to Edwards' career if they turn out to be true: John Edwards is the father of Young's baby with Hunter, contrary to a statement Young made last year, because his loyalty to Edwards ran deep (?!). Young essentially took the fall for Hunter's baby. Other stuff: John Edwards was waiting for Elizabeth Edwards to die so he and Hunter could get married. Elizabeth Edwards believes Young stole the baseball card collection of Wade Edwards. It kind of gets crazier and crazier. The book got picked up by St. Martin's. [R&M]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin played Frisbee with his kids and then drove around on an ATV together. In other words: fun! Jon Gosselin is finally having fun with his kids! Maybe for the first time, ever. This should be headline news, but it shouldn't be, because now that the show is on hiatus, I guess paparazzi should just leave their house? What's it like to have to be a Jon and Kate paparazzi, though? Really: think about the guy who gets that assignment. "Aw, what the fuck? I have to go to Pennsylvania again?!" It'd be especially bad if you hated kids. That is all. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Elliot Spitzer was at lunch talking to LMDC executive director Avi Schick about Mark Sanford, and he was all like, "Yea, gangster, wassup. At least I didn't tell none those hoes that I lubbed 'em. You know?!" Also, he bragged about not using taxpayer money to pay for his kicks. Comparatively, he's got a point. Other than that, it doesn't really mean shit. In other news, VH1 is putting the development of "The Disgraced Governor's Guide to Crazy Hot Tail" into overdrive. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kevin Bacon and his brother hiked up a mountain to play a tribute concert for Farrah Fawcett while raising money to fight cancer. Honestly, what can't Kevin Bacon do? I think he's now, like, four degrees from sainthood. Still six from Malcolm Jamal-Warner, but, you know, what can you do. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jay-Z and Beyonce partied at a Roots show at the Highline Ballroom, where The Roots have a residency. This isn't surprising, because almost everybody in New York has gone or will go to see The Roots play at the Highline Ballroom, now. It's like taking the subway. [R&M]
  
  
• Michael Musto's going to be playing chaplain to gay couples getting married tonight. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's another cheap item implying Lindsey Lohan does blow. In other news, I need coffee and a cigarette, the sun is kind of yellow, and your mom wants you to give her a call. Seriously, like, slow news day, Showbiz Spy? [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Katie Couric doesn't want her picture taken. By wide decree of the land, and so it was. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cindy Adams makes a joke about South Carolina: "The state beverage is milk." That being said, Cindy Adams beverage of choice must be an arsenic spritzer, because the rest of the column is indiscernable nonsense (but fun crazy old lady indiscernible nonsense!). [Page Six]
  
  
• Megan Fox must stop licking her lips at once! [WWTDD]

Again, Sanford was informed that a South Carolina paper was set to publish details they'd uncovered about the affair, including those hilarious emails, prior to his press conference, but looking back at other politicians who acted defiantly after being caught equally red-handed doing things they shouldn't have been doing, Sanford's emotional mea culpa was, well, kind of refreshing. When watching the entire thing, it was hard not to feel some twinge of sympathy for him, no? Especially when you look back at the four guys in this clip for a reminder of the absolute worst way for politicians to handle getting caught doing things they shouldn't have been doing.

Boy, you gotta feel for John Edwards, right? He probably just wanted some no-strings campaign sex with an uninhibited crazy woman. Who could've known Rielle Hunter (born Lisa Druck, aka Lisa Jo Hunter and Rielle Jaya James Druck) would get knocked up, believe his "love" nonsense, and demand to have his damn baby! If only Senator Edwards hadn't been so damn handsome, charming, and concerned about poverty when no one else seemed to care. If only his father hadn't been a mill worker.

Anyway. Last year, Rielle had this baby girl, and the Enquirer said John Edwards was the father of this baby girl, but a couple months before Rielle had moved in with married Edwards staffer Andrew Young and his family, and Andrew said it was his baby, though he was not on the birth certificate. Why are there so many schmucks determined to "protect" this idiot man-child Senator at the cost of their own dignity? Who knows. The hair probably.

That was then, though, and this is now. Now, according to The Daily Beast, Andrew Young is now shopping this book, about how the late Fred Baron paid him to take in Rielle Hunter and her baby, and pretend it was his. Publishers are pretending they don't want to touch this book because of sympathy for Elizabeth Edwards, but we have seen no evidence of that sympathy.

Honestly Young should probably just sell the pictures to the Enquirer and leave the book-writing to Dean Koontz and Malcolm Gladwell.

The guy won't even admit that running for president in 2008—when his wife's cancer came back as the Enquirer reported on his affair with a crazy lady—was maybe a bad idea!

He said that for all the trauma that came of the 2008 campaign, he is not ready to declare that it had been a mistake to run, calling that a "very complex question." He believed, he said, that he had pushed Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton in a more progressive direction on issues including health care — Edwards was the first to propose an individual insurance mandate — and that the value of his having run will be determined partly by what Obama achieves on these fronts.

"Did it make sense to run and stay in the race? Time will tell," he said.

TIME TOLD, JOHN. IT WAS STUPID.

Anyway it turns out that John Edwards is still the only person in the entire world who is ever willing to talk about poverty, at all. Back when people actually listened to him and cared what he said, this was a defensible thing to say, but now that he is a shamed former politician, he is just one of many people talking about poverty that no one listens to or likes. And even back when you weren't a complete loser, you always sounded smarmy and insincere and pandery, when you talked about the poor poor people.

But he did not rule out a return to politics. He said it was too early to say what the future held — though an Al Gore-style advocacy role was more likely than elected office, given the scandal. He thinks "every day" about what form his future role in activism or public life could take, but "right now, a lot of that is unanswerable."

Maybe you should write a column for Slate, John?

When Edwards appeared on Larry King Live, King noted on the air that he had agreed "out of consideration" not to defile CNN's air with the utterance of that miserable homewrecker's ludicrous name. Same with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. Neither man actually acknowledged that the name-blackout was a condition of the interview.

In NBC's case, Today Show executive producer Jim Bell absurdly told the Associated Press that Edwards' request was not a "demand," but rather a simple favor, and that if she had made it a condition of the interview, Today would have turned her down. Which makes sense how? Rielle Hunter's name was not mentioned during the interview. But if Edwards had demanded that rather than simply said pretty-please, they would have turned her down? NBC News didn't have any qualms last month promising—as a condition of the interview—not to ask Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano any follow-up questions about a controversial report on threats from right-wing extremists. In fact, NBC News' guidelines explicitly permit producers to strike such deals as long as they are disclosed to the viewer. So Bell's posturing and parsing rings hollow, maybe because he felt like a shill when he heard how the Associated Press responded to Edwards' request:

The Associated Press would not agree to the demand and was twice turned down for interviews with Edwards.

"It's simple," said Michael Oreskes, vice president and senior managing editor of the AP. "We don't let other people edit our wire."

According to Edwards' lawyer, the reason his client can't bear to even hear that trollop's lousy name is that she doesn't want Rielle Hunter to profit from having serviced her husband:

Drake said Edwards's restriction isn't motivated by "anger" toward Hunter, but by a desire not to see Hunter profit from the affair.

Yes, it sure would be a shame if Rielle Hunter found a way to make some money off this, like maybe if there was a rich sugardaddy friend of John Edwards who paid her, I don't know, say $15,000 a month to keep her mouth shut? That would be awful.

As for how successful Edwards' no-name campaign has been, the AP's Oreskes called the request "puzzling considering that Hunter's name was in the news and had been widely distributed." But Google Trends suggests that after a spike on May 5, interest in Hunter's name has declined over the last week during Edwards' media tour. Interestingly, Google says the highest number of searches for Hunter's name are coming from Raleigh, N.C., which presumably includes nearby Chapel Hill, N.C., where Edwards lives and spends all day alone in the basement, Googling "Rielle Hunter" over and over again.

Honestly, we thought it sounded a little bullshitty when we first heard it—Edwards staffers were going to pull a Bulworth to save the Democratic party if it looked like John might get the nomination? Really?

First of all, his appeal to our mom aside, John Edwards never did actually look like he'd get the nomination. Secondly, as Walter Shapiro points out, any smart Edwards staffer would be more focused on saving their own career than rescuing the party, and purposefully sinking your own campaign—even if it's in the service of a greater good, or whatever!—is not a good way to end up working on a future campaign.

So no one will confirm on or off the record that they'd even heard of this "plan." Edwards campaign Senior Advisor Joe Trippi called it a fantasy.

So who is Stephanopoulos covering for, here, with this crazy "party first" conspiracy? Naturally everyone has someone they blame.

It did not take many calls to the Edwards alumni association to pick up off-the-record speculation about who might have peddled the self-aggrandizing conspiracy story to Stephanopoulos. In fact, in back-to-back interviews, two Edwards campaign veterans fingered each other as the likely leaker.

So hell, we don't know. David Bonior might be close to Stephanopoulos, and a former party whip might make up this sort of "Democrat first" nonsense. Or it could've been Mudcat Saunders, who seems like he will say literally anything. His name is "Mudcat," so we'll go with him.

The problem is that Elizabeth has long had, quietly, a shitty reputation as a complete horror to work with or for. And frankly no one (where "no one" means "no one in the DC establishment, especially the women of the DC establishment") ever much liked her. Which is sort of why Maureen Dowd wrote that bizarre column on how Elizabeth Edwards is a bitch for promoting her book so much. The important code words in that column are "tough, smart women"—which means evil frigid bitches married to charming rakish men—and "Saint Elizabeth," which means "uppity self-important drama queen." It is a remarkably catty, terrible column, about a woman whose crime was marrying and therefore castrating a self-important womanizing politician who basically represents Maureen's ideal, except that he's a bit fruity.

And then Sally Quinn wrote a column that was almost worse—do you see what we mean, about Elizabeth's reputation?

So today Elizabeth submitted herself to the brain-damaged banality junkies of morning television, with a trip to Today. She has a book out! About cancer but also mostly about how John Edwards is a complete dick! And this woman could die basically any day now (or she could live another couple years) and here she is shilling a book on survival because her loser husband is so reviled and someone's gotta take care of the kids.

And the entire thing, top to bottom, is embarrassing and depressing. Elizabeth is forced to tell slick idiot Matt Lauer that she loves her miserable cheating husband, because last time she was on TV she accidentally sounded too honest about the bargaining involved with staying with a narcissistic dick, and she's selling a crappy book about "resilience," which just means "justifying your biological urge to keep going despite the fact that everything sucks," though she is rich and she does live in a fancy house, so it definitely could be worse.

Per George Stephanopoulos, Edwards' inner circle was definitely formulating a plan for a "doomsday" scenario after learning about Edwards' affair with Rielle Hunter early last year. If the candidate managed his way into spitting distance of the Democratic nomination, they were going to bring the ship down by "sabotaging" the campaign.

They were, of course, doing it for the party, noting to Stephanopoulos that they were "Democrats first." Assuming this is absolutely true, and it's an old story, but you gotta wonder: is a campaign dunzo from the onset when its staffers are more loyal to the brand than the product? Either way, fatalism's a bitch.

According to the National Enquirer, which Hunter has been using as her mouthpiece, the Edwards' mistress is demanding he take a test and is "working with a lawyer to take legal action."

Last August, Edwards told ABC News' Bob Woodruff that he'd be willing to take a test and make the results public to prove that he is not the father of Hunter's daughter. Hunter's lawyer responded to Edwards' offer by saying that "Rielle will not participate in DNA testing or any other invasion of her or her daughter's privacy now or in the future."

Now something—maybe it was the way Elizabeth Edwards referred to Frances Hunter as "it" on Oprah?—made her change her mind. A cynic would observe that there's a high likelihood that Edwards' offer of a test and Hunter's demurral were pre-arranged to simulate a willingness on Edwards' part to own up to the truth without having to endure the potentially unpleasant consequences.

But now that Hunter is off the reservation, Edwards is in a bit of a bind. How will he lie his way out of this one?

The Democratic politician's wife is making those comments quite publicly, on an episode of Oprah Winfrey set to air Thursday but already leaked (in part) to the New York Times. Speaking with the daytime talk show host, Elizabeth Edwards wouldn't deny the allegation her husband fathered a child with his mistress Rielle Hunter:

I've seen a picture of the baby. I have no idea. It doesn't look like my children, but I don't have any idea.

Wait, a picture? By what excruciating process did Elizabeth Edwards get a decent (non-blurry) picture of her husband's purported love child? Apparently we have to tune in Thursday to find out. (UPDATE: Thanks to Mickey Kaus for pointing out this picture and this picture, both pretty clear. We stand corrected.)

In any case, John Edwards vehemently denied fathering that child last August in an interview with ABC, even as he acknowledged his affair with Hunter. His wife would appear unconvinced.

And that's the saddest part of this whole epic drawn-out scandal: Not only has Edwards lost the trust of the public at large after initially denying his affair with Hunter (and hiding from tabloid reporters in a hotel bathroom); he also appears to have lost the trust of his wife, terminally ill with cancer.

In her forthcoming memoir, Elizabeth Edwards discloses that her husband's first confession was itself shrouded in lies, leaving out "most of the truth." So it makes sense she is unable to trust what he says about his purported baby — or embrace his love when she needs it the most.

Asked whether she loved him, Mrs. Edwards replied, "You know, that's a complicated question."

[NY Times]

(Pic: Harpo products via AP via Times)