mathnet's new line beats the original For Brief Second, A Whole New Imagined Life Flashes Before Manchester Woman's Eyes.

1. [The shirt] is not intentionally ironic; it's really meant to promote a local karate studio.
2. The juxtaposition between the intensity of the photo and the matter-a-fact-ness of the typeset.
3. It is truly new old stock, probably silkscreened 15 years ago
4. It's more limited edition than any tee shirt I've ever known or something.

Please, please stop talking John Mayer. Your many pretend boyfriends/girlfriends should not have to see you trying this hard.

[John Mayer via Animal]

• Observers note that Arianna Huffington waited several days to personally blog anything about the death of Tim Russert of Meet The Press, who she often criticized. Then when she did say something, she didn't really praise the man. Not even faint praise! Dammit, Arianna, the public DEMANDS DISINGENUOUS EULOGIES! [R&M]
• Condé Nast is accused of stiffing the widow of advertising rainmaker Steve Florio by not handing over her husband's full severance, insurance and benefits. [P6]
• "Oh, hey, you know what would be romantic, clingy Jennifer Aniston?" "What, manorexic John Mayer?" "A stay at the Mexico vacation home of Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, who served jail time for filming naked underaged girls! He just asks that we not disturb any evidence!" "Yaaay!" (Sorry, it's a lot better with the puppets.)
• This picture of movie Harry Potter is seriously the most frightening thing I've seen all night. Oh, also, he's buying a butt exerciser for some kind of Broadway role (picture does not involve his butt). [R&M]
• Britney Spears took a topless swim at a tops-optional Las Vegas pool lounge. None of the paparazzi got any shots, except of Spears in a skimpy outfit, and now Spears is said to be hawking her own topless photos from the swim. Or, well, technically her father runs her business affairs now by court order so... Ew.
• Lindsay Lohan has been "amazing" on the set of her movie, which means she's not getting drunk or high or passing out or committing felonies during working hours. Well, sure, but it's summertime. There aren't any nice coats lying around to steal. [People]
• Denise Richards admits to having 10 dogs. Sure they're on a ranch, but... why? "I am not sure why there is so much drama about how many animals I have," she said. Also: after she split with Charlie Sheen, Richards totally stole Heather Locklear's man, while they were friends. But on her reality show, she says they totally weren't friends any more, for three months. [P6]

• Denis Leary's wife, Ann, has for years been secretly not cool with the comedian having dining, hanging out with and getting diet and exercise makeovers from his knockout friend Elizabeth Hurley, so she sadly channeled her frustrations into a thinly-veiled "novel." Something tells me Denis, in a similar situation, would have just cussed and yelled about it for an hour or so until the situation somehow resolved itself. Not that there's anything wrong with different "communication styles." [R&M]
• Another source agrees with actor Rupert Everett that Madonna's husband Guy Richie is homophobic. "At their wedding, [Madonna's gay brother] Chris made a joke about Guy being gay. That set the tone for their relationship." [R&M]
• Naomi Campbell had considerable trouble staying upright outside a nightclub at 3 am, but her spokesman said she was just "pretending to fall." The best headline, of course, is from the Sun: "Stupormodel." They are so getting a cell-phone beating.
• John Mayer is hanging out at Jennifer Aniston's house, and the couple are finding his annoying need for control dovetails nicely with her neediness.
• Fashion bigwigs Calvin Klein, Andre Leon Talley and Anna Wintour are hosting a big fundraiser for Barack Obama, while Barabara Streisand is now offering to do basically whatever the Democratic presidential candidate wants.
• But can we really trust all these creative New York types to choose our next president? According to the totally objective Post, this one showbiz Obama supporter, comedian Robert Klein, was talking to an innocent conservative and tried to bludgeon him into voting for Obama because Obama's "a Harvard guy." The McCain supporter calmly tried to explain how Obama is a closet Marxist, but Klein got all shrill and liberal on him, because he's a tone-deaf elitist, Obama supporters suck so much The End.

• Kate Moss stormed out of a party at Milk Studios in Chelsea because they wouldn't let her bring three friends into the bathroom, citing a "strict one-person-at-a-time policy." [P6]
• Supermodel and beat-down artist Naomi Campbell had surgery to allow her to have children, since she believes children will fix her life by forcing her to "calm down." As long as they aren't, you know, whiny incompetents like all those assistants she attacked. [Showbiz Spy]
• Not only did Anne Hathaway have a sinus infection when she kissed fellow actor Steve Carrell for a movie, she also had pink eye, and now he probably has it, too. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Uma Thurman's stalker is supposed to be in Maryland after narrowly avoiding a jail sentence, but instead he's handing around in New York, near the courthouse, in the same clothes he had on during the trial. It's over, buddy. Let it go. [Entertainment Tonight]
• Jennifer Aniston had dinner in Los Angeles with a mystery man, so there was speculation the movie star split from singer John Mayer, but it also emerged he's driving her car, so probably they're still together.
• Actress Jessica Alba gave birth to daughter Honor Marie. [Sun]
• Oh, look, it's seven skanks competing to be Paris Hilton's new "best friend," all hoochied up in front of a club in Las Vegas. [Sun]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are determined to spend more on their baby nursery than fellow celebrity-twin parents J. Lo and Marc Anthony. So far, the price tag is north of $140,000. But where are the dedicated baby guards? The hermetically-sealed climate control? The Scientologist consultants? [R&M]

• Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter blasts back at Clinton: "The responses from the former president and his camp are very saddening in their own ways. Characteristic, but nevertheless shocking." [Observer]
• Released from jail, Tatum O'Neal goes straight to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. PR experts say the actress' career should be fine, if she acknowledges her mistake, for example by going to an AA meeting. [Post]
• The New York City Landmarks Commission tells Robert De Niro that it would be a shame if something were to happen to the top floor of his pretty little hotel, seeing as how it's disrespecting the zoning code and all. The actor would like his extra floor legalized, because he's a wiseguy over here. [Rush & Molloy]
• Sharon Bush, ex-wife of presidential brother Neil Bush, only snagged $30,000 per year in alimony and child support, and only for four years. She is planning a tell-all book about her ex-husband's philandering, but only once W. is out of office. Apparently she didn't want to, you know, embarrass the president at this critical, lame-duck juncture in his administration. [P6]
• The one time you trade your royalties for a $2,300 flat fee, the movie becomes a hit. Writers don't win. [P6]
• Eva Mendes will launch a Calvin Klein perfume in the building where Heath Ledger died. It's called "Secret Obsession." Wow. [P6]
• Jay Leno will get to see lots of "gayest looks" at a group gay and lesbian wedding in West Hollywood. [E!]
• Ethan Hawke applied for a license to marry his pregnant former nanny, from when he was married to Uma Thurman. [P6]
• Jennifer Aniston's ex, model Paul Sculfor, is now dating John Mayer's ex, Cameron Diaz. Aniston and Mayer are, of course, dating one another, and also frequently reassuring themselves they are the prettier of the two couples. [Sun]

• Lindsay Lohan's mom Dina faces "immediate arrest and imprisonment" if she doesn't show up in court this morning on charges she gets drunk in front of her kids, 11 and 14, and the she missed 15 of 29 court-ordered visitations, and showed up to one inebriated. Ex-husband Michael Lohan also threw in to the court filing that Dina is sometimes mean to her puppy — putting it in a kennel instead of letting Michael watch it — because he knows that will piss people off more than the child abuse or whatever. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, Lohan is way too classy to be on her mother's reality show, and also too busy flashing her panties at the MTV movie awards in a desperate attempt to look like Marilyn Monroe. Tila Tequila wants Lohan to come out of the closet, because think of the moneymaking opportunities.
• Tom Cruise likes to invite big powerful Hollywood men for a ride in the cockpit of his airplane. But only once they've memorized a sufficient number of homoerotic lines from Top Gun. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston's friend Courteney Cox has a husband who is eight years younger, so Aniston introduced Cox to her new boyfriend, John Mayer, who is nine years younger. In case it wasn't totally obvious she was trying to show off, Aniston also wore one of those tops where you can totally see her boobs.
• Naomi Campbell reminded everyone that if Yves Saint Laurent had not gotten her onto the cover of French Vogue in the 1990s, she couldn't have have squander her massive opportunity to become a role model to girls worldwide. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie comes to the same conclusion as much of the moviegoing public, declaring of husband Brad Pitt: "I don't see him as an actor." [E!]
• Robert Downey Junior refused to post for a picture with Office and Get Smart star Steve Carell: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing, cross-promoting?" [R&M]

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their big house-de-thetaning party in Beverly Hills, and a helicopter or tree-climber showed up to take pictures. In the first shot, you can see Cruise trying to crash the photographer with his Scientology mind powers. Guests included Victoria Beckham, whose terrified husband stayed home so he couldn't be kidnapped again; Oprah Winfrey, who brought her very close personal friend Gail King; Jennifer Lopez, who likely left the babies at home with their security detail; Tobey Maguire; and fellow crazy Scientologists Kimora Lee and Kirstie Alley.
• Leven Rambin: "I have come to an understanding that soap fans are unlike any other; dedicated, passionate, and loving." Actually, all fans are dedicated, passionate and loving. That's the definition of "fan." [Oh No They Didn't]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue to hang out. [Faded Youth]
• Diddy and Cameron Diaz held hands. She said he "must" try her "bread pudding," and spoon fed it to him. Then they snuck off into Prince's basement together. They're of course "just friends." [Rush & Molloy]
• Wesley Snipes is confident he isn't going to jail for the tax evasion thing. He is out on bail and plans an appeal. [P6]
• Sulu from Star Trek getting married to his gay partner, has a sense of humor: "He got down on one knee. I said, ‘What are you doing down there?'" [R&M]
• About one-third of Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from wife Courtney Love, who kept them in "a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag" that she used to take "everywhere." She said she was suicidal. [News of the World]
• Rapper M.I.A., who was going to have to leave the country, is marrying a media mogul's son right before her work papers expire. So if they catch her at the border, she really will have visas in her name. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Charlie Sheen has remarried, which means he has a new person to apologize to. [Hollyscoop]
• Hugh Grant, the film star once busted for prostitution, was very interested in taking home a "leggy brunette" from a club until he realized photographers were present. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie keeps guns at home, knows how to use them. [Showbiz Spy]
• Awkward: Harrison Ford had to explicitly deny widespread rumors that he will finally marry Calista Flockhart. [Showbiz Spy]

• Bill Murray's wife wants a divorce and claims the actor is a pot-smoking globe-trotting sex addict who is physically abusive. The Daily News recalls: "At a bash at Robert De Niro's Tribeca Grill in the '90s, we watched as Murray punch-shoved photographer Diane Cohen in the chest."
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a housewarming party at their new Beverly Hills mansion tomorrow, all the other Scientologist living gods are sure to be there.
• In the meantime, Holmes conducted a big business meeting at the Carlyle Hotel in New York, which illustrated that she is "a very strong and determined" actual businesswoman who can do important businesswoman stuff. Evidence: During the meeting, which was related to her coming role in a Broadway play, she listened intently, took notes, and when her phone rang SHE DID NOT ANSWER IT. This is the glory of being a "clear," people. [OK!]
• Amy Winehouse if a filthy drug addict with a disgusting skin condition, so logically men are fighting over her. Fellow druggie musician Pete Doherty wrote to Winehouse's jailed husband, Blake, demanding he divorce Winehouse so Doherty can finally seal his bond of desperation with her. Nelson Mandela is also into Winehouse, but only as a performer at his 90th birthday.
• Remember how Kirsten Dunst said she went to rehab for depression instead of for drugs? Now Steven Tyler of Aerosmith insists he checked into rehab to recover from a foot injury. It's amazing how rehab clinics have diversified these days, now that all the stars are clean. [Us]
• Britney Spears' lawyer argued her health is too "fluid" for the singer to participate in the court case over her posessions, now under the care of her father. This may just be a ploy to ensure visitation with her sons until she stabilizes, since the visitation is better protected when her father is acting as conservator.
• John Mayer, former Perez Hilton make-out partner, gets pretty gushy toward fellow musician Pete Wentz on his blog. "I think the world of you." [Showbiz Spy]
• Recent drunk driver Mischa Barton continues to act erratic, and now her legs look screwy. [Rush & Molloy]
• Charlie Sheen may be on his fourth baby. It's the third mom. [Rush & Molloy]
• Clay Aiken, 29, donated sperm to his record producer, 50, and plans to be "part of the baby's life." [P6]
• Bill Cosby's famous Cosby Show sweaters are being auctioned for charity. [NY Sun]

• Oh, hey, Republican Mayor Michael Bloomberg might stop snapping at people long enough to play a thinly-veiled, self-mocking George W. Bush in a Broadway play. [P6]
• Anna Wintour didn't like going to South Beach for a Karl Lagerfeld show because it made her sweaty, displeased and "miserable." Sort of like Carine Roitfeld.
• Rapper MIA is only allowed to remain in the U.S. for a few more weeks, so she's considering marrying Kanye West. It's either that or Montreal. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Nicole Kidman said ex-husband Tom Cruise has turned their kids against her. They didn't even visit on Mother's Day. [Showbiz Spy]
• Wesley Snipes enjoyed his remaining freedom at a party in East Hampton. [Rush & Molloy]
• If you snub Harvard's request for your official archives, the university will get ahold of your unofficial sexytime archives. Norman Mailer's estate learned this the hard way. [P6]
• Jennifer Aniston secretly hooked up with John Mayer three months ago. See? It's totally normal for her to be this affectionate. So she's NOT BEING CLINGY, DAMMIT. [P6]
• Naomi Campbell has to return to the Heathrow police station in London to learn whether she will be formally charged with assaulting a police officer. As though slowly going bald wasn't punishment enough.
• One reason you shouldn't attack paparazzi, even if you're insane, basketcase singer Amy Winehouse: They will then publish awful, awful pictures of your "ravaged... heavily scabbed" skin.

• Actress Jessica Alba married Cash Warren, father to the daughter she is set to give birth to this summer. The couple met on the set of Fantastic Four, where he was a director's assistant. [Rush & Molloy]
• Woody Harrelson: Married, but an ogler. Unsurprising, even if he wasn't running wild on some giant yacht at Cannes. [P6]
• Sad Lily Allen getting sadder at Cannes, where the sometimes-adorable British singer drunkenly and embarrassingly jumped off a millionaire's yacht and passed out drunk in a club "on her father's lap." Previously this year she had broken engagement, a miscarriage, and her TV show got cancelled. I would just stay indoors until next year. Or, you know, stop drinking. [P6]
• Teetotaler Kristin Davis says she's sending back the Cosmo you sent her because she's a recovering alcoholic, but she could also just reject it as a totally lame gesture, and she'd still be righteous. [P6]
• Nas decided against calling his album "N—ger" because Al Sharpton asked him not to. Or, more likely, because no one would stock his record and he would make way, way less money. That's fine with Sharpton, of course, because that's just how he rolls. "He can rap against me. I'll preach against them. We're still friends." [Rush & Molloy]
• Courtney Love explained she has not canceled her second solo album, because that would be crazy. [Reuters]
• Jennifer Aniston told friends her man/obsession John Mayer said is "way better" in bed than Brad Pitt, according to a National Enquirer source who presumably feels as suffocated by the relationship as everyone else who has to read about it. [Showbiz Spy]
• Someone in Liverpool spent 18 months growing and sculpting a Beatles hedge, only to have someone chop off Ringo Starr's head. [TMZ]
• Pete Wentz would like everyone to know that he and Ashlee Simpson have signed a prenup. [Showbiz Spy]

• While girlfriend Jennifer Aniston has been acting like a goody two-shoes, John Mayer has been a total party boy, drinking it up all night at a bar in New York. But he's also been totally domestic and whipped in Las Vegas, where the singer dodged groupies right and left to go to bed early. Since Aniston is really into mixed signals, the actress decided Mayer is "the one." None of this is going unimpregnate Angelina Jolie, Jennifer.
• Kiefer Sutherland's second marriage ended in divorce after eight years. Which the actor could probably cope with better if they'd let him torture some more "terrorists" on 24, but the show is trying to cut back on the brutality because some general from West Point said the program was actually making it harder to train soldiers. Already busted twice for drunk driving... There's got to be some way for Sutherland to get catharsis! [Reuters]
• Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's daughter is 19, and she's dancing on tables in New York clubs. To Morrisey, while drinking Red Bull. At least she's not eating condoms any more. And you guys did name her "Rumer," so none of this is entirely unexpected. [Rush & Molloy]
• After Boy George was spotted selling clothes at the swap meet or whatever, he was swamped with fans, who were mostly too cheap to spend a lousy 10 pounds on one of his t-shirts. He eventually stomped off. In fairness, 10 pounds is like 300 worthless American dollars. [Sun]
• Britney Spears' mom is taking advice from Jill Zarin of Real Housewives Of New York City. They met backstage at a concert in New Jersey and chatted. Such a good place to find a mentor. [P6]

• Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend John Mayer got into a hotel pool in Miami, and there were pictures, and everyone found this very exciting for some reason. The Sun went above and beyond, as usual, with shots of the two parts of the actress' body any experienced reader of the British tabloid would expect it to focus on. (Photo from X17)
• Richard Simmons signed DVDs in aisle six of a Chicago Walgreens, and TMZ managed to find something unfunny to write about it: "One woman even passed out because she was so excited to see him! Well, she actually passed out because of complications from her being a diabetic. Close enough!" [TMZ]
• Here are pictures of Jenna Bush in her Oscar de la Renta wedding dress. Also, sober. [GaySocialites]
• Weird club scene: A newly single Al Reynolds was hitting on women and "drinking all night with his pinky in the air." Sean Combs, in the same establishment, was sitting in the corner reading a book. [P6]
• Meanwhile, in a West Hollywood club, Lindsay Lohan was crying, probably about having to return that fur coat. [P6]
• One-legged Heather Mills promised to buy two artificial legs for a Russian mother and then never paid up, said British friends of the Russian. There are so many puns I could make right now, if I worked at TMZ. [News Of The World]
• People saw Kate Hudson wearing an engagement ring and got very excited, thinking the actress was about to marry fellow crazy Owen Wilson. But it turns out she's just shooting a movie about brides. It's not like you can slip in and out of wardrobe at will. [Us]
• Madonna said the f-word twice at a concert in England and almost exposed her boobs, and people complained, as though that's not what you pay Madonna to do. [Sun]

[Funny Or Die]

• There is no goddamned way animal-hating monster Paris Hilton actually said this to justify her alleged competitive need to conceive: "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children."
• British police kept hold of singer Amy Winehouse for nine hours of questioning after arresting her in connection with a January video in which she apparently smoked crack. She was said to have "sobbed uncontrollably once inside Limehouse" jail before being released around 1:30 am. By 4 am she was happily rummaging around at a convenience store, chatting up reporters.
• Jennifer Aniston was calling flame John Mayer "every spare moment" she got on a Miami film set. Then he flew to Miami to make out with her in a football stadium. This is the part where we all tune out for our own sanity, right? [OK!]
• For the Sex And The City movie, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon got to keep their clothes, but Kristin Davis and Kim Cattrall did not. So unjust. How do they expect Kristin Davis to make movies without clothes? [E!]
• The Barbara Walters episode of Oprah attracted more viewers than both Tom Cruise episodes of Oprah, according to television tracking firm Perez Hilton.
• Here is Matt Damon looking creepy in a moustache. [IsThisHappening]

• Jenna Bush will get married this weekend at a ranch in Texas. Oscar de la Renta supplied the gown the presidential daughter will eventually be puking on. (UPDATE: AP may be wrong on bridesmaid count, see first comment.) [AP]
• Singer and Perez Hilton macker John Mayer is — surprise! — acting kind of scuzzy toward actress/hookup Jennifer Aniston. Mayer "was all over some [other] blond girl" at a club in New York recently. [P6]
• Mary-Kate Olsen was left off the Maxim "Hot 100" list, and twin sister Ashley was left on, at number 47. Wait, which one is supposed to feel dissed by this? Ashley, right? [P6]
• Prince is releasing a coffee table book called 21 Nights with photos of his concerts in London last year. And then there will be a "compilation album" in there too, since publishing in just one dying medium is not enough. [E!]
• So now singer Mariah Carey is not just engaged but married to actor Nick Cannon. "Her friends were, to put it mildly, stunned, but happy for her." [P6]

• Tyra Banks ended the Miley Cyrus controversy, issuing the following fatwa on The View: "She is a 15-year-old, and I just wish everybody would leave her alone!" Follow this edict or Tyra will claw your eyes out, then stab you, then set you on fire, all using only her tightly-controlled stare of rage. [Showbiz Spy]
• The Jennifer Aniston/John Mayer thing may be, horrifically, an ongoing concern. [Egotastic]
• Britney Spears will get to spend Mother's Day with her kids. Also, ex-husband Kevin Federline calls Spears his "lady," and Spears says "I love you" at end of phone calls with him. [Sun]
• Madonna repeatedly and unsuccessfully invited Justin Timberlake to discover her Wardrobe Malfunction over the course of several agonizing minutes. [Daily Mail]
• Wait, so now Rob Lowe's wife sexually harassed their supposedly extortionate nanny? And a cock ring is involved? [TMZ]

• Amy Winehouse went on a rampage of terror last week, headbutting and punching people, getting high in the street and stiffing her cabbie. But the addict/singer also made out with some random guy, and maybe that's why she now has a new man named Alex Haynes, who works for Winehouse's manager, and doesn't look nearly fierce enough to handle his insane new girlfriend. Winehouse's mom thinks he's great because Haynes is always "popping out to buy cigarettes, papers, anything she wanted." Other people point out that buying whatever Winehouse wants is maybe not in the singer's best interest.
• Prior to Haynes, Winehouse had a thing with a photographer named Blake. Not the Blake who is her incarcerated husband, obviously. [ShowbizSpy]
• Oprah's new interview with Tom Cruise will indeed include questions about Scientology and that time he jumped on her couch. See, Oprah's not afraid to be hard hitting. That's why she also took a ride on Cruise's snowmobile. [ET]
• Paris Hilton's boyfriend Benji Madden drove over a paparazzo's foot while pulling away from a West Hollywood nightclub with Hilton in the passenger seat. The socialite and musician are accused of a hit-and-run and police are investigating the incident. [Sun]
• Actress Jennifer Anniston met singer John Mayer for a late lunch. WITH DESSERT. This changes everything. [OK!]

• Apparently hungry for attention in London, Paris Hilton declared Kim Kardashian's butt "disgusting, it reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag." Then she said Jessica Simpson's boobs were too big. Then she flashed her own boobs again outside a hotel; click here for a bigger shot (via WENN) if you're not bored of Hilton's nipples yet. [Sun]
• Christian Siriano from Project Runway said the girls on The Hills have fashion lines that are not "that great... I mean, it's fun and flirty and young, but they're not innovators. None of them will ever be an innovative designer." [Perez]
• Cameron Diaz lost her father suddenly and unexpectedly to pneumonia. Production of the actress' latest movie was shut down. TMZ, which broke the story, has not yet tried to make an awful joke about it. [TMZ]
• So Pete Wentz was lying when he denied Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. People now joins Us and OK! in saying the musicians are expecting a kid, and as the old journalism rule goes, three celebrity media sources is confirmation. Also, Wentz sidestepped a question about the rumors in an MTV interview rather than try and deny them again. [People]
• Now that he's made out with Perez Hilton, every single conquest of singer John Mayer will be second-guessed and possibly ridiculed. Which is kind of how things should be. The press is finally doing its job! [P6]
• This model's 12-year-old daughter wants a boob job, but the responsible mom is making the daughter wait until she's 16. [Sun]
• David and Victoria Beckham are sending their son to a Jewish school in LA. They're both half. Sort of. Not really: David's Mom's family was Jewish, but she doesn't practice. But he has a tattoo in Hebrew, and so does she. [Sun]
• David Hasselhoff's assistant tried to round up groupies for the TV star, then steal them. He failed at both. [Gatecrasher]

Well, most people who gab about him

...are people who ... couldn't name me three songs off one record, but get onto a blog site and go to the comments and say, 'Well, he was with that dog so-and-so. He probably smells like butt.' You know, people try to like do the Perez Hilton syntax, and it's terrible.

The way we rationalize it is this: Perez Hilton, for once in his miserable pink-stained life, doesn't look too bad, and John Mayer is just a cool cat (shoot me) who doesn't really need to defend his sexuality. So this was probably a business discussion. One that ended with a guarantee of good coverage (for a while) for John and the makings of an excellent deb ball for the new Skinny Perez. I guess society is progressing when all this amounts to is a silly little PR stunt, not some shameful closeted saga. Business, pleasure, or whatever else, we make a small, solemn wish: May John continue his journey of making out with generally unlovable 'mos who write for gossip blogs. Some of us currently look resplendent in pajamas and tear-stained cheeks. Possible photo documentation of the make-out foreplay is below. Minds are boggled. [Everything from Perez]

Correction: The alleged makeout supposedly took place back in 2006. So Perez is not newly "svelte-ish." I guess this incident was before the big weight gain. Still though. Ew.

• Blogger Perez Hilton is claiming he made out with a bisexual John Mayer. This disturbing visual comes a few days after singer Mayer posted a long rambling thing to his blog "about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog... who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man." [Perez] (Photo via Perez)
• OK! Magazine wanted to do a big cover story on Britney Spears' miraculous weight loss, but Brit was too fat or ravaged looking or something, so the magazine just substituted a four-year-old photo instead and implied it was a new shot of Spears "back to her old body." [Huffington Post]
• CNN anchor Anderson Cooper bought some pairs of the Armani underwear touted by soccer champ David Beckham, size small. Cooper had just interviewed Beckham for 60 Minutes and asked Beckham to sign one of his Armani ads. So precious. [AC Effects]
• Actress Lindsay Lohan is not being cooperative about recording her new album. [Daily News]
• Mayor Michael Bloomberg can't stop talking about how he got a table at Waverly Inn the other night. Sad. Tuesday at 10:30? Thought so. [Daily News]
• Chelsea Handler of E! said she really loves boning her boss, or her boss' boss or whatever. [P6]
• Singer Bobby Brown said ex-wife Whitney Houston, the soul diva, got him into coke. [P6]
• Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl was a drunken cad at Beatrice Inn. Guy knows how to stick to the script. [P6]
• To "not deal with the media," movie star Brad Pitt got rid of his publicist. Wife Angelina Jolie's crafty mind is, of course, behind the whole, uh, ingenious plot. [P6]

He's just a dude who plays guitar. He's not trying to change lives. So often we think about music in absolute terms. Is Wilco better than the Dave Matthew Band? In my opinion, yes. But it's not even fair to compare Wilco to the Dave Matthews Band. They're too different. The real question is, is the Dave Matthews Band good jam band music? And the answer is no. But let us consider t