It's fine for someone to be quirky, and John Mayer certainly seems to be better than your average pop star, and/or prettyboy singer-songwriter. There's no reason for him to be giving rapey interview quotes.

You know that scene in Bull Durham, where Kevin Costner is coaching Tim Robbins on what to say to the press? This is it:

Exactly.

Stick to the press lines, John Mayer. Or at least don't come off as rapey. And the thing is, it's not like he even has to come off as rapey.

Fact: He is smart! Blues guitarists are notoriously sharp people. He can play mean blues guitar. Which takes brains and talent. When he isn't making his rapey guitarface.

Fact: He has done funny things that aren't rapey before. Like walking around in a bear suit before his shows screwing with his fans. Or riffing with Dave Chappelle.

Now, remember when he told New York Magazine that he'd basically rape Jada Yuan (or Mark Graham)?

....the next record will have that concept.

What concept?
More political things, worldly things.

Such as?
Nothing rhymed with public option.

You don't always have to rhyme, though.
I'm going to forcefully sodomize your editor.

Ha ha, so funny, except there's truth in every joke, John Mayer. We'll excuse it because if you have a good sense of humor and forget that there's truth in every joke, John Mayer, it can be pretty goddamn funny.

Now, a few weeks later, and John gets profiled by New York Times pop music writer Jon Caramanica, who is the man and writes great stuff. So you should know not to be a pervy-sounding maybe-anal-rapist when Jon Caramanica is interviewing you, John Mayer, and get on your game, and try to be taken relatively seriously, because you could get a very, very great piece of press in a big publication by a talented pop music writer, right?

Caramanica's lede, in a piece called, John Mayer Just Has to Please the Girls:

"I should be having sex with more girls." This is what John Mayer concluded, using slightly more colorful language, last Sunday night at his anonymously modern apartment in SoHo.

Okay, so,
lives in a sparse modernist apartment,
makes jokes about anal rape (or "forcible sodomy"),
thinks he should be having sex with more women,
is a famous rock star.

Oh, and this:

"It's crazy to me that in my head, that being 32 and dating women is going to get me in trouble," he said, talking faster as he went along. "I can't even explain to you how terrible that feels, that I equate dating a woman with punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand, persecution. It's a nightmare."

Who has these issues? John Mayer has shame about dating women and getting in trouble? No. Fucking no! Telling young, female New York reporters you're going to anally rape their editors will get you in *trouble! From where does your "shame" come from John Mayer? HM?! Are you hiding something?!

Hopefully, John Mayer is not Patrick Bateman.

That said, Caramanica's piece ends like so. You be the judge:

At the encore, though, he let the public invade the private. "They say I'm a womanizer," he complained. "I say I haven't met enough women." The crowd cheered. Shrieked, really. Maybe things weren't so bad after all. "Cute girl," Mr. Mayer said, pointing into the sea of eager faces. "Cute girl. Cute girl. Kuh-yoot girl."

*John Mayer is welcome to tell me he will forcibly rape my editors, since all seven of them are all older men, and I see the humor in that. All seven of them.
**There is maybe truth in every joke, John Mayer.

Ok!
"I'll Love Him Forever." This article, titled "Our Love Story," is about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "like an old married couple." Why? Because they would drive to the set of Eclipse together, and, when headed home, one would wait for the other to get out of wardrobe and makeup. Oh, and Rob is like a "human magnet" for Kristen. They love each other, etc. BREAKING: Heels are not rain boots, Suri Cruise! (See image 7) Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom are "prepping for parenthood" by getting a dog. Lindsay Lohan has been partying all night every night in the last few days. The source here is a paparazzo who follows LL. He says: "After 4, 5, 6 in the morning, she's really crazy. She screams and yells and says very mean things, even though she knows us very well." Maybe she doesn't want to be followed at 5 am? Anyway, another "friend" says Lindsay refuses to go to rehab: "We ask, we beg, but she won't listen."
Grade: F (headlice)

Us
"Her Secret Deal."
Katie Holmes is sad and lonely because she's "committed herself" to a seven-year contract and Tom tells her what to wear, how to cut her hair and when to work out. "He even told her to be pale like Nicole [Kidman]," says a source. Meanwhile, Suri is 3 going on 30 with her heels and San Pelligrino and so on. As for Katie, the mag says her "situation" will "not improve until November 2013," when her contract is up. Moving on: Recently at a West Hollywood nightclub, Lindsay Lohan shouted at two photographers: "Why don't you go find my dad? He's the one who wants the pictures." Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are stalking the stork; a source says: "Gwen has told friends she's trying for another baby." In Rob and Kristen news, they ordered the same thing for room service breakfast recently — and had it delivered to one room, which means, OMG, he slept over. A hotel staffer adds, "They were already dressed when room service was delivered." You can practically feel the magazine's disappointment! In case you're unsure of the milestones in the "Robsten" relationship, Us has provided a handy timeline (See image 8). Jon Gosselin is threatening to have a showdown on Thanksgiving because Kate Gosselin plans to invite her bodyguard, Steve Neild. A source says Jon's jealous: "Even though he knows it's over with Kate, he still can't stand the thought of her being with another man, especially Steve." Another source says Kate's constantly on the phone with Steve, "smiling like a teenager" and "I haven't heard her yell in two weeks." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston and two friends flew via private jet to the One & Only Palmilla resort in Cabo San Lucas. "On Aniston's agenda? Morning yoga sessions, lying by the pool, and being waited on hand and foot."
Grade: F (peeling scalp)

Life & Style
"Tears, Joy, And Drama At The Baby Shower."
While the magazine does not flat-out claim that it sponsored Kourtney Kardashian's baby shower, the guests drank from soda bottles decorated with with Kourtney's Life & Style cover (See image 9). And the magazine says: "Life & Style and Simmons jewelry company gave Kourtney a limited edition Hello Kitty necklace made from white gold, enamel and diamonds." Price? $950. There were 84 guests at the party, and they got chocolate Louboutin shoes and swag bags — it was a publicity event, not a baby shower. Each sister gave an exclusive interview to the magazine, which is where the "drama" comes in — Khloe and Kim used to hate Kourtney's baby daddy Scott Disick, because he was accused of cheating on Kourtney, but now they like him, because "he's done small things" like putting the crib together. And he got a job. With QuickTrim. For which the Kardashians are spokesmodels. Moving on: Michael Lohan is trashing Jon Gosselin and the way he treated Kate Major: "You sleep with a woman, you gain her confidence by saying you're going to hire her, then you use her like that?I spoke to Stephanie Santoro, and it was the same thing." Here are three ways Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are copying Angelina and Brad: First they denied they were in a relationship; then they get people used to the idea of them as a couple with an intimate photo shoot in a fashion magazine; then they GRADUALLY show PDA (see image 10). Also inside: Michael Lohan says: "I will not release another audio tape about Lindsay. I did it because I wanted Lindsay to know how I felt when I heard that tape. When I get a phone call at 2, 3, 4, 5 in the morning from my daughter and she's in dire straits, I get very concerned." Lastly: Michael Jackson's funeral cost $1,146,518.62, and the mag itemizes that receipt for you (See image 11).
Grade: D- (clumps of hair falling out)

In Touch
"Yes! They'll Reunite!"
Re: The cover image: Do you love how they are Photoshopped together, with her arm disappearing into his chest? The cover copy reads: "Jen waits for Brad at the resort they love." But inside, what they mean is: She went to a hotel in Mexico she'd been to with Brad and "waited" for him to text her. "After a few glasses of wine on November 13, his pal reveals that Jen ducked away from her group of friends and exchanged a series of text messages with Brad that crossed the line from friendly to downright flirtatious." Oh, and you know how two tell-all books about Brangelina are coming out? Angelina's "tarnished" image is driving Brad away, and he thinks she's brought this on herself because of her addiction to attention. The copy reads: "Brad isn't worried about how the books will affect Angelina, but how they might hurt their children." A source says: "Maddox is old enough to Google his mom now, and Brad is afraid he'll get hurt." Jen's friend says: "Brad seems haggard. All Jen wants to to when she sees him is give him a big hug and tell him he'll be fine." Oh, and Brad and Jen have reconnected over Norman, Jen's sick dog — who used to be Brad's dog, too. Also inside: Geena Davis may have put on 50 lbs. Jennifer Garner may have lost 35 lbs. Britney Spears is in a "race to the altar." She's expecting Jason Trawick to propose over Christmas, and she wants to get married in the summer of 2010. Wait, is that a race? She wants bridesmaids, a gown and a four-tiered cake — a traditional wedding. (What, no pimps and hos sweatsuits?) "Britney wants to tie the knot ASAP to insure that Jason won't leave her again." She also wants her dad's conservatorship to end. Oh, and her dad wants her to start on another album after her tour, while Jason wants her to take a break — and he thinks her family is using her. Next: When Sarah Palin was on Oprah's show, things backstage were "tense." Did Nicole Kidman have a boob job? (See image 12) BREAKING: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were spotted getting off of a plane in Paris and HOLDING HANDS. "She grinned from ear to ear and snuggled into him happily," a source says. "They're obviously a couple and definitely in love." During their European trip, they booked separate rooms, but she ordered breakfast and coffee for two the day after they arrived. Lastly: a 41-year-old man named Matthew Roberts was adopted as a baby and found his birth mom in 1997, and she told him he was conceived when she was raped during a drug-fueled orgy involving Charles Manson and four other men. Why this story is here we have no idea, but the guy does look like Manson. (See image 13)
Grade: D- (matted hair)

Star
"Katie's $15 Million Tell All."
Since her contract expires on November 18 (TODAY), Katie is "prepared to pen an explosive and embarrassing exposé" of her life behind closed doors. She COULD get $15 million for her confessions. Like: They have separate bedrooms, and she says it's because Tom snores loudly, but Katie has hinted that they've never slept the whole night together. Tom likes it when Katie wears sexy lingerie, and Tom likes to "parade around the house in military uniforms," similar to the ones he wore in Top Gun, A Few Good Men and Valkyrie. "It makes him feel handsome," according to a source. Tom spends hours each day in front of the mirror, checking out his wrinkles and love handles. He also waxes his chest regularly and gets colonics. Tom lets Suri do whatever she wants and has already had to replace mahogany paneling twice in six months, because he lets her draw pictures on the walls. And! "Katie may also decide to go public about Tom's secret Scientology mobile unit. It's a black American-made van that looks like a regular vehicle on the outside, but inside it's fitted with high tech gadgets, monitors and computer equipment worth of a spy flick." A source says Tom spends a ton of time in the van: "It's how he keeps in touch with Scientologists all over the world. It's padded on the inside, so that no one can hear anything on the outside. Not too many people get to see the inside of this thing." Moving on: Did Kim Kardashian get a nose job? (See image 14). Rihanna is a "carbo-loader" who insists on fast-food feasts. And just so you know, Lady Gaga requests a hot, whole roast chicken in her tour rider. Precious star Gabby Sidibe is featured in a piece called "She's Got Style" and the copy reads, "she's a pro when it comes to turning heads." Seriously, there is not ONE crack about her weight from the magazine which does "Best & Worst Beach Bodies" regularly. (See image 15). Drew Barrymore has kicked Justin Long out of her apartment because he's a slob and started acting like a Frat boy, leaving his stuff all over the place. Someone told Jennifer Aniston that her ex, Adam Duritz, was on his way to a party — with his new ladyfriend, Emmy Rossum — so Jen "bolted out the back door." Bruce Willis took his wife Emma Heming to dinner and the owner of the restaurant mistook her for one of his daughters. Blind item! "Which actor plays a loving dad and hubby on TV, but likes to play the field in real life? While his wife cares for their kid, he hits NYC hot spots, trying to pick up young chicks." Khloe Kardashian was spotted picking up half a dozen pregnancy tests at Rite- Aid. In Brad & Angie news, they visited a museum, and the story goes, "They were so inspired by the beauty all around them that they babbled about their future family plans." Angie said: "I have a mosaic in my house. I have ancient cultures, and we celebrate everything. This year, we're doing Christmas, Kwanzaa and even Hanukkah." When asked if she was going to have one more kid, Angie said "I'm always thinking about it. I would love to." Brad said: "You never know." Fantasia Barrino's fans are upset because she is dating a married father of two who left his wife and kids to move in with her. He used to work in a T-mobile store and now Fantasia has his name tattooed on her chest. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake went to a Jay-Z show and guess who came out to sing "Run This Town"? Rihanna. Seeing her was "like a knife" in Jessica's heart, but Justin danced and sang along. "Jessica stood there like a fool… trying not to cry." The New Moon promotional tour took Rob to Japan and Kristen to South America, and when they were apart, Rob realized he couldn't live without Kristen. So then there's some stuff in here for the Twihards: When Rob and Kristen stayed in that hotel in Paris, he arranged for the staff to place dozens of roses around the room — there were flower petals covering the floor and bed and lit candles everywhere when she walked in. The two are planning to get married once all the Twilight craze dies down. Which is never. They might elope in London. Finally: "Wow, Jen's New Bikini Body" is about how in Mexico, Ms. Aniston's belly was slightly rounder and she ate everything she wanted: "Could she be getting ready to be a mom?" A source says Jen's been hooking up with John Mayer — and they haven't always been careful. The "pal" reminds us: "Just because she's single doesn't mean she can't get pregnant!"
Grade: D+ (dandruff)

From Ok!

From Us

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Star

From Star

• So Lindsay Lohan and Donatella Versace showed up with the same hair, messed up pout, and similar outfits at last night's Met International Ball. This is causing a huge media frenzy because, well, no one thinks anyone should look like Donatella. Basically, no one has anything to say but, "Ew, gross." [NYDN, NY Post]
• The first photos of Nicole Richie's little bundle of joy, Sparrow, are out. Yes, it's a boy. Yes, that's his name.
• [People]
• James Gandolfini thinks Elaine Stritch is in love with him. The he calls Alec Baldwin fat. Pots and kettles, people. [P6]
• Hulk Hogan thought about killing himself after his wife left him. That's sadder than the cancellation of American Gladiators. [NYDN]
• Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger could barely contain themselves to meet Julie Andrews. Katie was excited because she says "we have Mary Poppins and Sound of Music playing in our house a lot right now." We always knew Tom was a show queen! [UK Mirror]
• Kate Gosselin has no clue why her brood is acting out. We're sure it has nothing to do with her divorce, the cameras in their faces being taken away, their father wearing too much Ed Hardy, or her horrible hair. Can't be that. [NYDN]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are reigniting their on-again-off-again. We kind of find this to be like when mom calls on the phone and tells you boring news about a cousin you never see. [E Online]

[Image via Getty]

• It's hard keeping track of Jennifer Aniston's alleged love life. One day she's screwing Gerard Butler, the next it's secret meetings with Brad. Now she's apparently staying in close contact with her "ex" John Mayer, on whom she's "hooked" and "can't let go." Yes, it can all get confusing, but at least she only has three in the rotation. For now. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's former babysitter claims Jon hacked into Kate's emails and now Kate's saying she may talk to her lawyers because she's "disturbed" by it all. Yeah, so are we. [Us]
  
  
• Oh, haha! Professional actor Jesse Metcalfe joked that he got erections while making out with Eva Longoria. No wonder this guy doesn't get more acting jobs. [TMZ]
  
  
• Donald Trump continues his war of words on Tilda Swinton, who opposes his plans to construct a golf course on a Scottish coast. She compared it to poor people's forceful evictions during the Highland Clearance's gentrification, which led Trump to say of the world-famous actress: "It's a shame that she would disgrace the thousands of Scots who suffered for her own personal gain and in order to get some easy publicity for herself." [Page Six]
  
  
• Tao will pay Kim Kardashian $50,000 to "celebrate" her birthday at their Las Vegas location. Life's truly unfair. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney's son, James, was trying to quietly start a music career. Now the papers are on to him, so that bubble's burst. [The Sun]
  
  
• California claims Patti LuPone owes nearly $10,000 in back taxes, but her people say it just isn't so, because the actress is "meticulous" about paying the tax man. So there! [Page Six]
  
  
• Ahhh! We've seen scary skinny models, and Miranda Kerr definitely deserves honorary mention. Well done! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Melissa Rycroft, who's a "celebrity" for being on The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars, has swine flu... [NYDN]
  
  
• ...And MSNBC's think Rycroft's announcing her swine flu for publicity. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Poor Fred Durst! Married three months and it's already over. [People]
  
  
• Just when you thought the Kanye/Taylor Swift scandal had gone to tabloid heaven, Taylor Swift hints that she may make fun of it when she hosts Saturday Night Live. Sounds like too easy a set-up. [Star]
  
  
• Sources say GQ photo-shopped January Jones' boobs to make them bigger, but photo editor Dora Samo insists Jones just uses what her mama gave her: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular." [Page Six]
  
  
• A second autopsy reveals that cocaine did not contribute to Billy Mays' death. Now, let's let the poor man's family rest. [NYDN]

• Ha! Here's a dose of reality: The Hills "star" Stephanie Pratt tried to buy a bottle of champagne at a VMA after-party and her credit card was declined. She was later seen crying hysterically. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of "reality," apparently no real socialites want to hang out for Tinsley Mortimer's reality show, so producers are trying to concoct new A-listers to help provide some energy, because Mortimer is not "dynamic" enough to carry the show on her own. That's hardly surprising, but still amusing. [Page Six]
  
  
• There's video of Michael Jackson making the shocking confession that he was a pain killer addict. [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Grey says she will always remember Patrick Swayze — and his arms — with fondness. Funny, because we always heard that they hated one another. [ET]
  
  
• Katy Perry sure does get around — and doesn't have the best taste. The singer was spotted smooching John Mayer last Friday and then, after Sunday's VMA awards, locked lips with Russell Brand. Bleck. We need a mint just thinking about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brittany "Bre" Scullark, a semifinalist on America's Next Top Model, was arrested for disorderly conduct in New York City yesterday and berating another woman at Starbucks. We all have our ugly side, huh? [TMZ]
  
  
• Bea Arthur once described Betty White as a "cunt." If anyone could get away with talking trash about White, it was Arthur. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ouch! Kim Kardashian wanted to meet Gerard Butler, but he told a would-be facilitator "No thanks." [MSNBC]
  
  
• Oh no! Elton John announced he wanted to adopt a Ukrainian lad, but officials claim that, at 62, he's too old. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of old men: Harrison Ford says he's signed on for the fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Because the world needs more bullshit movies, right? [People]
  
  
• Colin Farrell has successfully impregnated his girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda. [People]

Ok!
"Rob Risks It All For Kristen"
Even though the cover talks about an "engagement" and the "future of Twilight" being in jeopardy, the story inside is about how fans would upset IF Rob and Kristen actually got married. Producers are asking Rob and Kristen to keep their relationship under wraps so that Kristen's romance with Taylor the Buff Werewolf is more believable. A source says that Rob is so in love with Kristen he's completely absorbed with her and it's a miracle he can even remember his lines and so on and so forth. Moving on: Farrah Fawcett's college sweetheart Gregg Lott says that they reunited in 1997 after she broke up with Ryan O'Neal, but kept it quiet so as not to upset Redmond. Still, they corresponded the whole time, and Lott has proof: Love letters, printed in the mag! Lastly: Lindsay Lohan's lips are certainly plump! A cosmetic surgeon who does not treat her thinks she is having Restylane injections. A source says she's had the maximum number of treatments permitted — over eight different sessions — and she wants more. (See image 6)
Grade: F (Fen-phen)

Us
"Sex And The City Secrets"
Charlotte has two kids! Miranda has to confront her workaholism! Samantha has to deal with downsizing her spending after some bad investments! Plus: Things are complicated with Smith Jerrod! Big maybe moves to London and maybe cheats on Carrie and she maybe leaves him and maybe finds out that she is pregnant! Next: Insiders say that Angelina and Brad have been trying to get pregnant for two months. Rihanna's dad saw a picture of her topless in Italian Vogue and said the photo was "disturbing." Of Chris Brown on Larry King, her dad said: "The costume he wore was so funny. That bow tie thing? He needs to bury that."
Grade: D- (ephedra)

Life & Style
"Get Thin Fast"
This story is a giant ad for QuickTrim, a diet supplement found at GNC. Khloe and Kim Kardashian, who pose with a measuring tape wrapped around their bellies, will appear in ads for the pill. Moving on: "Stabbed In The Heart" is the title of the Jessica Simpson story, but she was not actually stabbed, people. Tony Romo is dating Candice Crawford, the Gossip Girl guy's sister. Here, you'll find a whole bunch of stuff about how unlucky in love Jessica is. A "friend" of Jess's says: "Does it add insult to injury that this girl is younger and slimmer? Sure." Next, more secrets from Sex And The City 2 : There will be a gay wedding between Stanford and Anthony Marentino! Liza Minnelli will be there! Carrie will have '80s flashback scenes! Samantha copes with menopause! A trip to Morocco! Miranda gets a new job! And, even though SJP had her mole removed, Carrie still has hers, through the magic of makeup. Next: Scheana Marie Jancan claims she had a three-year affair with Eddie Cibrian, and when he started up with LeAnn Rimes, he just stopped calling Scheana. She says: "Eddie's with LeAnn now, but it's just a fling. Eddie cheated on Brandi, he cheated on me, he's going to do it again." Pete Wentz is fighting to save his marriage to Ashlee Simpson: She's been getting "too drunk" in public and she's smoking a lot and "thinner than ever." An "insider" says: "She's so thin, she's lost her boobs. She's just an A cup now." Poor thing, no reason to live! There are a few pix here from Michael Jackson's funeral on September 3 — his kids put a crown on his coffin and guest had to wait for an hour for the ceremony to start, because Katherine Jackson was too emotional to get ready. Jon Gosselin has lost 15 lbs. by cutting out fried foods and soft drinks. Unsolicited uterus update: "My uterus is really flattered that everyone cares, but sorry, no occupants." — Anna Paquin. Jennifer Aniston was spotted wearing a gold Rolex that John Mayer gave her, so it's totally secret signal! Plus they have been talking and texting. "Robert: I Want To Disappear" is about how Mr. Pattinson used to be a nice guy but has become "moody and withdrawn" because being chased by Twihards is a rough way to live. "Even at the most remote places I can imagine, someone will ask me for a picture with them or an autograph. I haven't found one place in the world yet where I can disappear," he says. Lastly: "Melrose Place: Then And Now" is a plastic surgery wonderland! Dr. Rey thinks Daphne Zuniga needs Botox, fillers, an endoscopic brow lift, a mid-face lift and a lower eye lift. I like Heather Locklear's old nose. (See image 7)
Grade: D- (QuickTrim)

Star
"Kardashians At War"
Kim is jealous of her sisters because Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami is a success. "Kim thinks she's worked hard to get where she is, and that her sisters are just riding her coattails," a source spills. But, um, didn't she make a sex tape to get where she is? And she's a producer on that show. Does not compute. Anyway: Kim hogs all the swag designers send to their parents' house and her sisters think she acts like a diva and call her Queen Bee behind her back. Also, Kim thinks she's the first one who should have become a mother so she's upset about Kourtney's pregnancy. Kourtney is being a "momzilla" and asking Kim to ask Vicky Beckham Christina Aguilera to her baby shower, but Kim is like, I don't even know those people. Meanwhile, Kendall is 13 and wants to be a star like her sisters. She wants to be a model, so she wears crop tops and short-shorts around town in the hopes of being photographed. The other kid, Kylie, is 12, and she wants to be an actress, but was seen pole dancing. (See image 8 — and check out the Jezebel scans. We're famous!) Moving along: Blind item! "Which party-girl turned entrepreneur never leaves home without her stash? She checked a few tote bags with a bell hop, who later found they were filled with cocaine." Next: Ellen Pompeo's husband Chris Ivery cheated on her (while she was pregnant) with a hostess named Rachel from a restaurant in Boston. Rachel tells the mag: "I didn't mean to hurt Ellen, it just seemed like fun at the time." Angelina Jolie has a secret diary! "Behind closed doors, she's paranoid, jealous and erratic — and she admits it all in her personal diary." Apparently she thinks Brad is cheating on her because he travels so much, she hates that he goes boar-hunting with the locals and she even complains that Brad doesn't put the soap back in the shower the right way. Next: Nicole Richie wants to get married. Now. She's freaked out by DJ AM's death and realizes that life is fragile and short. Ben Affleck has been flirting with Blake Lively on the set of their movie The Town. They went out to eat after filming a sex scene and people on the set say he's acting like a lovesick teenager. He complains that Jennifer Garner is in "mom mode" and isn't the "sexy fun girl" he married.
Grade: D (Hydroxycut)

In Touch
"Desperate Hookup"
"In a state of desperation and loneliness" Jessica Simpson has been hooking up with her ex, John Mayer. John "swooped in" after hearing about her breakup and previewed his album for her, which is all about relationships. A "pal" says, "It wasn't hard for John to close the deal after that." Next: LeAnn Rimes met with a real estate agent to find a new house. A real estate agent who did not work with LeAnn says: "They're called second marriage homes, they're for people who want homes that don't remind them of where they lived with their previous spouses." The story called "Hailey Dumps An Unfaithful Jon" is about how Hailey Glassman broke up with Jon Gosselin after his debaucherous trip to Las Vegas — apparently there were pictures of girls in bikinis and text messages from girls he was partying with on his phone, and she saw them. Brad Pitt — who produced the Time Traveler's Wife — invited Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana to Chateau Miraval but then Angelina Jolie freaked out and made Brad say he had food poisoning so they wouldn't come. Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been Tweeting about how much they love each other and making out in public ever since last week's Star cover story about their loveless marriage. Jennifer Garner is "anything but fat" but can't seem to lose the last remaining pounds she gained when she was pregnant. Now she's worried Ben Affleck will return to his "Playboy ways," especially since he has a lithe younger costar, Blake Lively.
Grade: D+ (placebo)

The man who's supposedly dated Vanessa Carlton, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston called on Giorgio Armani to design his SoHo apartment. "After I finally figured out how to behave, and how to dress, I wanted to get the next thing — my apartment — right," he tells Elle Decor. Mayer wore an Armani suit to the Grammys and it blew his mind or something. "For the first time in my life, I understood what healthy messaging was all about." Armani's translation: Shades of gray.
(Click "full size" to enlarge)


"I make fantastic fajitas after a late night out," Mayer says. "I can rock a skillet." We've heard that both Jen Aniston and Jess Simpson like Mexican food, so maybe they perched at this very counter, watching John whip up some culinary delights?
(Click "full size" to enlarge)


Here's the master bedroom, with what the magazine describes as a "low, shapely Botticelli bed framed in gleaming lacquer and set against walls the color of candlelight." Translation: Zen, with a side of meh. Other than the bed being GIGANTIC, it doesn't really seem like a snare lair. How come the room is not strewn with the underthings of starlets? Where's the "Jessica wuz here" graffiti? In Touch said he keeps a guitar by the bed, for spontaneous serenades! Oh well. At least we know what his sex faces look like.


Seriously, the polka dot guitar is the most exciting thing in his apartment.

Earlier: Jessica Stam Does Elle Decor: A 22-Year-Old Should Not Live Like This

• Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie, supposedly. Also, the novelty of dating her A-Rod proxy, Jesus Luz, has worn off, sources say, which is besides all of her Kabbalah friends being like, OY, A GOYIM NAMED JESUS?! Madge, babbeleh, step off it. Anyway, now that Madonna's learning the whole Big Yellow Taxi Theory firsthand, maybe she will stop tearing down trees/divorcing husbands who are probably good for her in the long run and shtupping men who're half her age. Also, getting to write about Madonna and Kabbalah reminds me of this 1998 MTV VMA performance where she did this ridiculous Shanti chant that segued into "Ray of Light." Two things: (1) in retrospect, this moment makes so much sense on the Timeline of Madonna Being Ridiculous as it was clearly kind of an important one and (2) the VMAs, man: they just don't make them like they used to. Watch Lenny Kravtiz get on stage with Madge for "Ray of Light" and come to terms with the fact that you just don't have it in you to be as ridiculous as Madonna. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Star reporter and Star-fucker Kate Major thinks Jon Gosselin needs to be alone right now, and I think Kate Major needs to go to a decompression tank or something. She's the succubus of celebrity reporting.
  
  
• A bunch of Long Island teenagers in Great Neck freaked out and basically shut down a road after they saw Leighton Meester shopping yesterday. They had to, like, call in the SWAT team or something just to keep these kids at bay while Meester perused the racks of a, let's see, a Steven Dann store? Can someone tell me if that's impressive or pedestrian? No offense to Great Neck - okay, offense to Great Neck - but it can't be that impressive if she was shopping in Great Neck. Also: why was she shopping in Great Neck? The only truth to Page Six items is that, like religion and drugs, they only lead to more questions. [Page Six]
  
  
• In what's clearly a Richard Johnson-penned item, Joan Rivers, who's now like 109, hired three security guards to watch over her penthouse apartment "to make sure that guests weren't tempted to swipe any of her tchotchkes." Oy. Paranoia reigns supreme, but then again, Rivers' tchotchkes could probably be sold to the Natural Museum of History, so there's that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tracy Morgan and his wife are getting a divorce, and hopefully Morgan will remain stable without her, but for some reason, I don't think this is going to happen. Am I the only one on this? [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Sienna Miller told Conan O'Brien that she burned her boobs on the set of G.I. Joe after an explosion went wrong and her bra caught fire. I'm sure this won't encourage the young delinquient masses who're G.I. Joe's sad target audience at all. At. All. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Fanboys, appreciaite the sacrifice of Robert Downey Jr. He still hates getting in the Iron Man suit, and called it "torture." Most other celebrities I'd be like, psh, whatever, they're getting paid $20M to walk around in an Iron Suit and we can't even see their faces but it's Robert Downey Jr. Former crackheads receive the benefit of the doubt in instances like this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Gerard Butler's thought about having sex with Jennifer Aniston, and it's like, really? This is an item? Also, dude, you'd be getting John Mayer's Wonderland-esque Body's Sloppy Seconds. And then you'll think about John Mayer's O-Face. And that's about that. Also, is Butler not, like, everywhere lately? Please someone tell me how he likes his eggs because seriously, that's got to be the next item on him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson did something in private and People reported on it. [People]
  
  
• Ha. There was a wire profile of Lady Gaga and they didn't mention the rumor about her supposed peener. [Reuters]
  
  
• Shannon Elizabeth and some dude she was dating from one of those dancing shows broke up and Tweeted it. It was amicable, which Twitter obviously wasn't meant for. If you're going to end a relationship on Twitter, you need to make it a holy mess, or else, there's no point. Seriously. Just do the real thing where nobody can see it and live a normal life. [People]

OK!
"I Still Love Nick!" At no point in this story is there a quote from Jessica Simpson saying, "I still love Nick." Instead, there's information about how, on August 1, Jess went to Katsuya in West Hollywood with Ken Paves and sister Ashlee and John Mayer stopped by. He poured champagne and told jokes for them! Jess got so tipsy that she wanted to drunk dial ex Tony Romo, but Ashlee took the phone away. Moving on: Brad and Angie believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something. They've been apart because taking breaks put the spice back in their life. Also inside: Old pictures of Michael Jackson's SECRET NORWEGIAN LOVE CHILD Omer Bhatti at Prince Jackson's first birthday. Omer is wearing at hat which reads, "Doo-Doo." Also be sure and check out the picture of MJ and Omer on an elephant. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: No longer an item! "Their passion ultimately fizzled," claims the mag. As if it was ever there! "The future is up in the air," says a source. Isn't it always? Lastly: Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou have a cute new baby boy named Kenzo (Fig 1).
Grade: F (paper cut on genitalia)

Life & Style
"I Don't Need A Boob Job!" In this "exclusive" interview with Kelly Ripa — conducted at a Super Saturday Shopping Event in Water Mill, NY — she says, "I would never have a boob job." Then the mag provides pictures going back for the last decade illustrating that when Kelly weighed more or was pregnant, her breasts were larger; yet as she worked out more, and lost weight, her rack became smaller. This story spins off into four pages about other stars' boobs and how they feel about them. Next: Zahara and Shiloh went to Toys R Us with Angelina to buy Spider-Man party supplies for Maddox's birthday and were cute while doing so. At a recent ballet class, an eyewitness says: "They held hands and sat side by side. Zahara was a little more coordinated, and she tried to help Shiloh. Zahara took the big sister role." Kate Gosselin is "so lonely." Her friend Jamie Ayers says: "She's lonely now that Jon's gone." Jessica Simpson is being "tortured by her ex," John Mayer: He's never stopped texting or leaving voicemails, and in one voicemail he serenaded her. "Jess said it sounded like he was in a restroom and tipsy, but that's normal for John." Another source says: "Every now and then he would sex-text Jessica or send her fairly explicit messages. She used to keep all the texts and read them over and over. It was a real ego boost for her." But! John Mayer does the same thing to Jennifer Aniston. The mother of Samantha Burke, Jude Law's new baby mama, says "Let's be very clear: It was a total mistake, and Jude hasn't called Samantha a single time." Is Chris Brown stalking Rihanna? They "coincidentally" stayed at the same hotel, then he drove up to a restaurant where she was eating and stared out the window. And Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist, Bang Bang, and now Chris has also tattooed Bang Bang. Bang Bang tells the mag: "We talked about the tattoo Rihanna did on me. I was like, 'Don't let her give me a better tattoo than you.' He did a little face, like a little cartoon." Lastly: Inside Paris Hilton's $325,000 dog house, which is a two-story miniature version of her house, with a crystal chandelier, air-conditioned upstairs bedroom with closet, and a "Furcedes" bed (Fig. 2).
Grade: F (paper cut on eye)

Us
"Bachelorette Betrayed!" Ugh. Who cares. Some dude proposed to some chick on national TV and they've been talking about how they're so in love and plan to get married, but while he was taping the show he had two girlfriends back home and so on and so forth, YAWN. Apparently there was some kind of scenario in which he was unable to perform sexually, and the mag calls it "guilt wilt." Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar had a baby shower and Michelle Trachtenberg, Kristin Chenoweth and Shannen Doherty attended. "Bump Watch: Male Edition" made us giggle, despite ourselves. (Fig 3). Slumdog's Dev Patel and Friend Pinto: Officially a couple! Jon Gosselin had a "sexy sleepover" with a 23-year-old model, waitress and single mom named Stephanie Santoro. Michael Lohan claims she's a nanny. By the by, while shooting for TLC, between takes, Jon was "inattentive" with the kids. Also, Jon allegedly got $40,000 for his In Touch interview. Lastly: Brats from Real Housewives (Francois, Johan, Gia) are modeling back to school clothes in this issue.
Grade: F (paper cut on tongue)

Star
"Broken Home." Angie and Brad's relationship was "too hot not to cool down." Two days before the trip, Brad disinvited Angelina from the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds. Brad started drinking at a photocall hours before the premiere and kept going until 4am. Angie kept calling, but he wouldn't pick up, and she was nagging him so much that he shut his phone off. That night, Brad continued to party with director Katya von Garnier, who he was linked to in 1997, when she went with him to the premiere of Seven Years In Tibet. Things have been crazy at home: Shiloh has been throwing tantrums. Shiloh tries to intervene when Brad and Angie fight; once she told Angie, "Stop yelling at Daddy"; another time she threw her doll at Angie. Angie has been booking the suite at a Beverly Hills hotel where her mother lived before her death; a source says: "Angie likes to go to [her mother's] old suite and be alone and think and cry." Moving on: Penn Badgley wants to marry Blake Lively now, but she wants to wait because she thinks they're too young. But she's up for living together and getting a puppy. Blind item! "Which Hollywood hubby has been cheating on his pregnant wife with a teenager? He's definitely known as a cad, but even for him, this is ridiculous." Robert Pattinson: On the rebound, with Camilla Belle, who broke up with Joe Jonas. Did Kate Gosselin buy an apartment 40 feet away from her bodyguard's place? True Blood's Ryan Kwanten — Jason Stackhouse — was in an S&M themed play in Australia in 2002, hence the shirtless pic of him with angel wings. John Mayer drunk dialed Jessica Simpson and BEGGED her to hang out with him at Katsuya on August 1st. She headed there with Ashlee and Ken Paves, and after dinner in the main restaurant, she joined John in a back room. The mag says: "But diet-conscious Jess made sure not to indulge in too much champagne and kept shaking her head as John coaxed her to keep up with him." Lastly: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are taking their 7-week-old twins on vacation to Ireland, where the couple goes every year (Matthew's sister is an Episcopal minister there). And by the by: SJP and Cynthia Nixon, who had been the closest of the Sex and the City ladies, aren't speaking to each other because SJP didn't attend a gay right rally with Cynthia and her partner. Boo.
Grade: D (paper cut between fingers)

In Touch
"I'm Tired Of Being Blamed." In an epic interview, Jon says stuff like: "Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she didn't want to. She said, if you have a problem, go fix it." And: "I used to be very introverted, but in my marriage, I became extroverted, I was very open and friendly. I don't think Kate liked that." And: "I'm not a womanizer." The mag asks him if his girlfriend Hailey wants kids. He says: "I don't know. We never really talked about having kids. I know they want kids at certain ages." He also says: "I'm not asking her to be the kids' stepmom, I'm asking her to love me for who I am." Jon also claims he never dated Kate Major, he was just "hanging out" with her. He was happy to know someone in New York to go to dinner with, but "I've always been true to Hailey," he says. As for Kate Major, he says: "I think she fell for me but I knew my heart was with Hailey. I tried to be nice to everyone and I didn't want to lead anyone on." ENOUGH. Next: Brad and Angelina's kids are "caught in the middle." There's tension in the Jolie-Pitt relationship. Brad got wasted at the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds: "He was so drunk he looked to me like he could barely walk," says a source. "It was not the sort of behavior you'd expect from a father of six." Dads don't drink? And! Maddox recently made Zahara cry when he swiped one of her dolls and cut its hair off. This week in Jennifer Aniston "heartbreak" news, the magazine prints the words "Jen is desperate" next to a picture of her, and the story has a quote from Dr. Judy Kurianski, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Dating (Fig. 4). Lastly: Britney wants another baby. "I want more babies!" she exclaimed while getting ready in her dressing room.
Grade: C- (paper cut on finger)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2 (Click to enlarge)

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

• Jon Gosselin may have found himself another ladyfriend, a tabloid writer named Kate no less. Her full name is Kate Major and supposedly she and Jon met doing a story on him and has a history of getting "too close" to her interview subjects. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• A new book by a former Secret Service agent says that the Bush daughters were out of control heathens who did everything in their power to defy authority and just do whatever the hell they felt like doing, kinda like their dad! [Page Six]
  
  
• Some crazy Russian guy has been issuing death threats against Britney Spears, who is so spooked by it all that she's refusing to allow her children to make the trip with her. When will Vladamir Putin stop harassing Britney Spears?! [Sun]
  
  
• Tito Jackson just doesn't understand why Michael's doctor, Conrad Murray, didn't make an effort to get help sooner on the day that he died. Murray is sort of in hiding and alleged to be the main focus of a criminal probe. [Mirror]
  
  
• John Mayer is such a dick! So back when he was dating Jessica Simpson, on her birthday, he sent her a DVD of one of his live shows as a present. In other news, why do all of Jessica Simpson's men treat her like shit on her birthday? [Page Six]
  
  
• A scary-looking Cameron Diaz partied it up in London with Jude Law at some club. It's possible that The Sun obtained the worst photo ever taken of Diaz to attach to the item. [Sun]
  
  
• Patrick Swayze is looking like his health may be improving. The British tabloids are all running a picture of a relatively healthy-looking Swayze just sort of hanging out in a cowboy hat. He is apparently going through some super-duper secret revolutionary radiation treatment. [Mirror]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow is pissed because the producers of Iron Man II picked Scarlett Johansson to be on the movie's poster over her. [Sun]
  
  
• The recently institutionalized Mischa Barton is rumored to have been suicidal when the LAPD arrived at her house last week. [Sun]

Perez (née Mario Lavandeira) got a literal slap upside the head by Will.I.Am's manager earlier this week, and a few figuratively slaps upside the head by celebrities who once willingly participated in his sadomasochistic, symbiotic celebrity-industrial complex for his poor handling of Michael Jackson's death. Because of both, Lavandeira's clearly shaken, and isn't doing too well. The cracks in his mini-empire are beginning to show. Little of the trademark viciousness or salaciousness Perez typically attracts readers to his site with has been around lately. Take, for example, a handful of the stories he's posted lately:

- Pictures of Ashley Olson in Paris. Hilton's sure to point out how nice she was, according to the tipster. He also decries her smoking habit.

- Four lines about the legal documents from Michael Jackson's unpaid pharmaceutical bills. Where's the trademark Hilton "zinger" in this one? His kicker: "The case was dismissed a month later, probably as the result of a settlement."

- "NBC To Celebrate Ed McMahon." Again, a tone of reverence and sadness. We're talking about Perez Hilton on Ed McMahon, here.

- Fanboy pieces about a prequel to Inglorious Basterds in praise of Brad Pitt, as well as one about Madonna's new album title. Whee!

- Oh, and: projecting much? "Still More Work Ahead For Equal Rights" was the site's third post of the morning. It's Perez piss-poor populism in taking on an LA Times poll about California's gay marriage laws.

Since his poor handling of the Jackson story, people have been taking him to task. And not just people! But celebrities, who're just like us! They can't stand Hilton, either. Pete Wentz thinks he just needs to own up to getting the story wrong:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

While John Mayer just thinks he needs to go away:

Perez is doing a bunch of "spin control," running his operation on a very tight, Press-y leash. Especially on Twitter. Now that he's alienated the gay community - even Matthew Shephard's mom won't take his money - he's sending the only people he has left, his deranged base of hardcore fans, plenty of cited messages on Twitter, highlighting and encouraging what little support for him is out there right now. He probably needs it, since advertiser money for his slightly more "family friendly" operation is going to be scarce after his very public PR fiascos.

Truth be told, Perez, cockroach that he is, probably isn't going anywhere any time soon. While more efficient ways of consuming the most brainsucking news out there surely exists, we've sadly let Perez become a brand name for gossip - like Coke, or Pepsi - and it's going to stay that way until someone's writing white lines over pictures of his faked real death or whatever. In the meantime, some of the things he prides himself most on - his celebrity "friends," the support of the gay community as someone of significance - have taken a hit past the point of no return, and there's surely more where that came from. As we all well know by now, Karma - like Perez - is kind of a bitch.The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

• John Mayer went out clubbing in Los Angeles the other night and somehow found himself covered from head to toe in lipstick kisses, so naturally, he then took to the streets and sang a Michael Jackson song for the paparazzi. [Dlisted]
  
  
• You cannot stop the legendary Hollywood cock-swordsman that is David Cross, you can only hope to contain him, which it appears that no one can do these days. [Page Six]
  
  
• Fergie, wife of Josh Duhamel, has admitted that she likes to delve into a little sapphic love every now and then. [Sun]
  
  
• Mariah Carey almost murdered a bunch of Frenchmen after she was kept waiting AN HOUR to walk a red carpet at a film premiere at Cannes. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Britney Spears is still spending money like Mike Tyson, MC Hammer and Michael Jackson on crack. [Mirror]
  
  
• Steve Rattner is building a house the size of a small country on Martha's Vineyard. [Page Six]
  
  
• Eminem says that his new album was inspired largely by...wait for it...SERIAL KILLERS! [Mirror]