If the deal goes through, Comcast-NBC Universal will be an entertainment squid with tentacles wrapped around cable channels—USA, Syfy, Bravo, E, NBC and more—websites, theme parks and a film studio. Now it's up to regulators to determine if it will be a blood-sucking vampire squid or a fun, benevolent squid. In order to soothe anti-trust fears, Comcast has promised that they won't pull NBC content from competing providers like DirecTV. But they would say that, wouldn't they? [LAT]

•Fox is fighting back at rumors that James Cameron's "Avatar" will be the most expensive movie ever made with a budget more than half a billion dollars. No, they say, it will cost a measly $400 million. And, according to The Wrap, this should put it in reach of actually making a profit. As long it doesn't make people throw up. [The Wrap]

•A 46 year-old Christmas special beat out everything on TV in the ratings yesterday: the classic stop-animation "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" drew 10.7 million viewers compared to second-place "So You Think You Can Dance" at 6.3 million. Why do networks even make new shows anymore? [Variety]

•Directors get no respect: Director Peter Jackson ("Lord of the Rings") complained to the Carpetbagger that, while the Academy Awards' best film category has been expanded to 10, there are still only five best director slots. Which means five movies were awesome despite having terrible directors? [Carbetbagger]

•This one goes out to anyone who thinks Hollywood is filled with smut-peddling sleazeballs: According to the FTC, the entertainment industry engages in "explicit and pervasive targeting of young children" for violent and sexual films rated PG-13 or even—gasp—R. [NYT]

•Here's a funny fact: The infamous Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa's last words were "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." Maybe Johnny Depp will say these lines when he possibly stars in the biopic "Seven Friends of Pancho Villa and the Woman With Six Fingers." [Variety]

•Nobody in America cares about soccer—but what if it's shown in 3D!? FIFA has announced that the 2010 World Cup in South Africa will be broadcast in 3D. [The Wrap]

•This is exciting: The producers of the Herzog film "Bad Lieutenant," have optioned the rights to Jonathan Lethem's novel "Gun, With Occasional Music." It's a sci-fi noir, nerds. Goodnight! [THR]

Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Us

From Star

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

If you've ever even been slightly curious about Tim Burton, that ultimate disconsolate son of suburbia who's been inviting us into his gleefully bent movie worlds for 27 years now, rest assured your interest will be sated by the show dedicated to the director at the Museum of Modern Art. Opening on November 22nd, it is an almost ludicrously complete assemblage of Burtoniana.

Just about everything one could think of has been matted and framed, up to and including the nascent director's adolescent doodles and prize-winning poster ideas. The director gave the museum curators the full run of his house and assorted papers; they turned up such early gems as a hand-written high school paper titled "Humor In America" ("Types of jokes I've heard and seen: Pollock [sic] jokes (ethnic jokes), Knock-knock jokes, Insults, Stories, One liners, Elephant jokes, Puns...") and this anti-litter poster, which adorned garbage collection trucks in Burton's native Burbank, California, after he won a Keep Burbank Beautiful competition.

A lot of the drawings on display date from the time Burton spent working at Disney, just after attending CalArts. Apparently, while animating such projects as The Fox And The Hound, Burton found he needed a less treacly creative outlet, and badly: most of the sketches from this period betray a mordant sense of humor and the same dark view of humankind that he would later explore in his feature films. Strangely, these images whipsaw between the grim and the twee. Men and women are portrayed as gothic grotesques, or the drawings hinge on kind of sweet little visual puns: a stringy-haired, football-headed woman tugging a string between both ears gets the caption MENTAL FLOSS, for example. Another drawing features two bunny rabbits with baskets of eggs, one saying to the other, "We've been telling the kids the story of Christ all these years...Well, I think they're old enough now to know what Easter's really all about."

The gallery is crammed with material. (Evidently the excavations of Burton's home proved fruitful.) In addition to the sketches and the high school coursework, there are sculptures — seven of which, in the museum courtyard, Burton made specially for the show — movie props, costumes, posters, Polaroids, and assorted notes such as would please the most dedicated connoisseur of arcana. In one corner, Burton's 1983 adaptation of Hansel and Gretel — screened by the Disney channel exactly once — plays. In it, a Japanese brother and sister outsmart a wicked witch with candy cane rhinoplasty who lives in a house that looks like a quivering, pink tongue. There's also a gingerbread man character who talks to Hansel even as he eats him up. "If you think I'm tasty, and you want my body, come on take another bite," taunts the pastry, to the rhythm of "If You Think I'm Sexy."

Visitors enter the exhibit through an immense mouth that hangs, red carpet-tongue extended; in the black-and-white striped corridor behind, Burton's animated shorts play on flat screens. (At the other end, presumably somewhere in the gallery's stomach, is a room lit by UV light, where Burton's blacklight paintings on velvet are displayed.) It is a curatorial choice that seems to cleave to the crowd-pleasing side of things. It's anyone's guess why the curators thought Burton's work needed such a loud proclamation of its difference from typical museum fare as a jagged-tooth orifice; it looks like the sort of thing one might encounter at an amusement park ride.

The man himself described the process of having his work turned out for display as "surreal" and "an out-of-body experience." He remembered to thank the exhibition sponsor, the ridiculously renamed SyFy — "I'm a sci-fi kinda guy" — only at the very last second.

The exhibit includes a life-sized statue of Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands, as well as this sketch of the character.

Artifacts from Beetlejuice include this sculpture, a yellowed copy of The Afterlife newspaper ("ECTOPLASM LEAK AT PLANT NUMBER 9" "EXORCISM RATE SOARS"), and Burton's own hand-written notes about the project, which compare it to that other well-known "extreme four character conflict," Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf. In the nearby Mars Attacks section, there are latex severed heads and a gigantic painting of Martian anatomy. Sweeney Todd has a wooden box and an engraved set of cutthroat razors.

Batman is represented by various latex cowls, and Batman Returns merits the inclusion of Michelle Pfeiffer's whipstitched catsuit.

In a class composition Burton completed on September 27, 1974, at the age of 16, he imbued an ordinary trip to the doctor for a checkup and a tetanus shot with a sense of heavy foreboding. "There was a ghoulish smile on his face," wrote Burton, "like he enjoyed sticking the needle in my arm."

Tim Burton has stuck the needle in the moviegoing public's arm for nearly 30 years — by the looks of this show, thoroughly enjoying himself in the process. Long may he continue.

Tim Burton At MoMA [MoMA]

After hearing the news of Cook's departure on September 18, Depp said that his participation in the fourth film, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides—which is tentatively scheduled for 2011 and will make more booty for the studio than J.Lo has when she's retaining water weight—hinged on the quality of the script and his passion for the project. ""There's a fissure, a crack in my enthusiasm at the moment. [The franchise] was all born in [Dick Cook's] office," he told the L.A. Times, hinting that he would not return now that Cook was gone.

Well, Depp is already back walking the plank. A spokesperson from Disney said that Captain Jack Sparrow will not be recast for the movie.

So, guess that goes to show you just how long taking a stand lasts in Hollywood: ten days, give or take. But you have to cut them a break here. I mean, we're all for taking stands, but not expecting a man not to make a fourth Pirates movie — we can't all be Mohandas Gandhi!

Not that Burton has ever shied away from computery technologies (see: the whole set of Sleepy Hollow) but for some reason we were hoping for something a bit more organic with this one. Maybe that he'd take a cue from Spike Jonze's upcoming Where the Wild Things Are and go for a more tangible, earthy magical realism.

But, no, instead we get actors wandering around in front of a green screen, everything stretched and warped to look weird, man. Depp's Mad Hatter sounds and looks great, but everything else leaves us feeling a bit empty.

But maybe this is just an early preview (thing doesn't come out until next March) and the look will get a bit more polished and lived-in. Here's hoping.

That sound you just heard? Something like a cross between an asthma inhaler wheeze and a joystick being furiously toggled? That's the sound of nerds reacting to this news: Nerd auteur Sam Raimi has signed to direct a live-action version of nerd bible World of Warcraft. Yes the fantastical computer game about mages and orcs and other horrible things will be a movie, and the Evil Dead/Spider-Man maestro will ably steer the battleship. God protect us. [Variety]

Slightly closer to the middle of the nerd spectrum is Comedy Central's bawdy cartoon show Drawn Together, which had a great first season but then crumpled under the weight of its own crudeness. Anyway, Comedy Central is reviving the property to make a direct-to-video movie release about what happens when the characters realize their show has been canceled. I hope Foxxy sings! [THR]

That grunt-laughing thing from Girls Next Door, Kendra Wilkinson, has had her E! reality show renewed for another season. The Comeback only got one season. As did Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared, and My So-Called Life. Kendra gets two. At least. [Variety]

Could Jeff Bridges finally get the Oscar he so richly deserves? His new film Crazy Heart, about an aging country singer, just got picked up by the white-hot Fox Searchlight. He's apparently quite good in the film, which costars Robert Duvall and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I mean, really, if he didn't get it for Fearless or Lebowski, can he get it for anything? [THR]

If you can't DVR Ugly Betty or stay home on Friday nights to watch it next season, don't worry! You'll have another chance to watch the show, albeit in a slightly more annoying format. The TV Guide Channel has struck up a deal to air episodes of the show two weeks after their original air date. So you can watch Betty be crazy and ugly in a tiny square while a slowly-moving list of what else is on trudges on uselessly below it. Sounds fun! [Variety]

What will Johnny Depp do next? Nobody knows! Likely, though, it'll be strange and childlike with a slight hint of menace creeping at the edges. [THR]

Old-timey actress Jami Gertz (catch her on Entourage on Sunday?) has formed a production company called Lime Orchard Productions, and they're just now getting started on developing its first properties! First up is a James Mangold-directed feature called Words, based on the same-titled book about growing up in foster care. Also on their plate is the tentatively (and fabulously) titled I Wanted Zac, But I Got Jack Black, a high school project for the Disney Channel. Everyone's grown up since Lost Boys, huh? [Variety]

Presenting your Saturday morning gossip roundup.

• Farrah Fawcett's son with Ryan O'Neal, Redmond O'Neal, will be able to attend his mother's funeral. He's been serving time since April 5th for a violation of his previous probation by possessing heroin. He'll be allowed to be in a suit, but will have to remain in hand and leg cuffs. He was in prison when he found out about his mother's death; they had previously let him out to visit her on May 15th. Can we have a collective "Really?" please?
  
  
• Walter Cronkite is sick, and he's not recuperating, says his family. I somehow don't think they're trying to work their way into the news cycle on this one. [E!]
  
  
• Universal execs definitely cut the La Toya Jackson scene from Bruno at screenings that have popped up since Michael Jackson's death. The scene is Bruno, trying to steal Michael Jackson's phone number from La Toya's BlackBerry. I'm sure it was actually pretty funny at one point, and I'm sure Universal execs are just counting down the days until it's funny, again. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kendra Wilkinson, former playmate/Hugh Hefner chew toy, is nervous about her wedding. A joke about "a joke about the difficulty in having to read one's own vows" would go here if I could think of anything else, but I can't, so: we hear the tender nerves she's sporting comes from an apprehension about reading her own vows. Better? [People]
  
  
• Johnny Depp still doesn't watch his own movies. "Once my job is done on the film, it's really none of my business." Letterman's audience yuks it up, but Depp is being totally sincere. It's kind of Twilight Zone-ish. I got this clip from HuffPo, but I'd rather just link you to the YouTube page, m'kay? [YouTube]
  
  
• The Real Housewives Of New Jersey are coming back for a second season after supposedly holding up the renewal over their paychecks. I don't know if this is what you'd call "burying the lede" or not, but either way, whether its in this toxic wasteland of a gossip roundup or the toxic wasteland across the Hudson, something, somewhere has certainly been buried. Possibly the body of a guy named Little Ricky Sluttyfingers. Or possibly our dignity as a species. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of your favorite Bravolebrities and people who are making America scarier now that we no longer have Dick Cheney in power to do that for us, the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patty "Please Be A" Stanger can't pay her publicist bills. Her new publicist was like, yeah, no, it's not a problem, but I know that whenever I didn't pay the bills on my Columbia House account, I just went straight to BMG, which, I think, is what she did, except she didn't get 18 free CDs plus one for a penny and I did. Related: one of the songs off of one of those CDs was this one. Moneygrubbers everywhere, of all genders, are sad. [Page Six]
  
  
• Faith Hill and Tim McGraw went to go see the Titanic exhibit and waited in line with their kids like everyone else. They didn't want to take photos, but they were very nice to people. And somehow, this is news. Meanwhile, flower-bearing British children everywhere still live in fear of being blasted by the smoldering disdain of Amerikkan celebrities. [Page Six]
  
  
• And even more Bravo bullshit! When will it end? (Answer: never.) Kelly Bensimon took OK on a tour of her closet, which has lots of pictures of herself in it. She also gave them this prime quote about her jewelry line, which, really, is easily the stupidest appropriation of Native American culture I've ever read, anywhere: "I took Pocahontas out of the kayak because she was bored, and I put her in the disco so she could have a little fun." A single tear just fell down my face. [NYDN]
  
  
• Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Anniston are just friends, you goddamn frogs, says Bradley Cooper, says Bradley Cooper at a French press conference. No, he doesn't actually say that, but he did say "we're just friends" in French, which is neat. Celebrities: they can make you feel insecure about speaking more languages than you, too! [People]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere won't rule out doing nudity on film, and I won't rule out ever seeing anything she's ever been in, yet. Eh? No, I know: I kind of already have. [E!]
  
  
• You wanna talk about burying the lede? Here we go: Coolio pleaded guilty to coke possession. Also, I just got enraged over the spell-checker on this computer questioning the word "Coolio." YES IT IS SPELLED CORRECTLY IDIOT COMPUTER. Anyway, he'll be taking a fantastic voyage through an 18-month drug rehabilitation program, after which he can finally roll with his homies, again. [Reuters]

• Jada Pinkett Smith says that she and husband Will keep their sex life spicy by going to parties at people's houses and sneaking off for a quick bang in the host's bedroom or closet or bathroom. Is this a Scientology thing? [Sun]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up again because they got into a huge fight over Nicole Ritchie, of all people, because Ritchie invited Ronson to a party but insisted that Lohan could not come with her. [DListed]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham recently had her third boob job, this time to reduce the ridiculous lady-mounds she enlarged so she'd fit in with the locals when she and the family moved to LA. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• No, Owen Wilson isn't hung up at all on Kate Hudson. He just dates a woman who look exactly like her, which of course will cause all of us to gossip and speculate endless that he is actually hung up on her. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Judd Apatow confirmed what many people have probably been thinking for quite some time—He is utterly horrible in bed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Larry David loves New York for its distinct smell of urine and because it's virtually impossible to get someone to give you change for a ride on the bus. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Former New York Giant defensive end Michael Strahan is engaged to Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse's amazingly astute parents think that all of Amy's drinking might have the potential to, you know, kill her! [Sun]
  
  
• Why does Megan Fox hate children who attempt to give her flowers? [DListed]
  
  
• Guy Ritchie is enjoying the single life in London now that he's rid himself of that addicted to African adoptions wife of his. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Britney Spears took a break from terrorizing London's nightlife to take her kids to the zoo over there. [Sun]
  
  
• In honor of his dead friend, Johnny Depp has named a beach on his private island after Heath Ledger. [Mirror]

ABC has officially announced its new schedule. Mondays are basically the same. Tuesdays will feature new reality show Shark Tank, plus Dancing with the Stars results shows (to be replaced by Better Off Ted and Scrubs once the Dancing season ends) and The Forgotten, a new Jerry Bruckheimer crime type drama that features a guy I know. So, congrats Anthony! Wednesday night will be a big ol' comedy block of new sitcoms (including the Courteney Cox vehicle Cougar Town—which features Dan Byrd from Aliens in America and, um, A Cinderella Story). Buzzed-about Flash Forward replaces Ugly Betty in the Thursday 8pm slot. That gay fantasia on fashional themes has moved to Friday 10pm. [Variety]

NBC has yet to formally announce their new season, but Law & Order has already been renewed for a big-time 20th season. Let's put that this way: babies that were born when the show started are now going to be juniors in college. Hooftie! Time! [THR]

DreamWorks has gone and bought the rights to the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and will produce a biopic about him. And, actually, forget that George Clooney whispering. We hear that Johnny Depp is in talks to play the civil rights martyr. [Variety]

At Cannes, two George Clooney projects are all the buzz! Oooo! First his Men Who Stare at Goats (costarring Jeff Bridges, Ewan MacGregor, and Kevin Spacey) has been picked up by Overture. Clooney also inked a deal to star in the movie adaptation of Martin Booth's novel A Very Private Gentleman, about a quiet Englishman named Mr. Butterfly who lives in Italy and secretly makes weapons for assassins. So it's The Jackal meets Under the Tuscan Sun. Terrific. [Variety]

Finally, Lars von Trier is still an asshole. [THR]

Movie stars steal theater folks' roles again! Though Cynthia Nixon and John Slattery played the roles in the well-reviewed Broadway production, square-jawed Aaron Eckhart and bugle-lipped Nicole Kidman will be starring in the film adaptation of David Lindsay-Abaire's play about a dead kid, Rabbit Hole. Oddly, John Cameron Mitchell, of Hedwig fame, will helm. The theateriest movie news ever! [Variety] And speaking of Sex and the City people, Warner Bros. and New Line have finally set a date for the big SATC movie sequel. Set your lipgloss to stun and mark your pink martini calendars, because on May 28, 2010... your sequined dreams will be realized once more. The story of grief and loss and life changes as the three gals make the tough decision to put Samantha in a home is sure to be a crowd pleaser. [Variety]

That twee-looking little indie movie about hipsters and babies and stuff, Gigantic, starring Zooey Bechamel, Paul Dano, and John Goodman, has won the top prize at the AFI Dallas International Film Festival. So, it must be good! [Variety] Meanwhile, in bizarro land, Julian Schnabel and Patton Oswalt have won awards at the same festival. [Variety]

Showtime has picked up two new series. They'll likely run with the comedy Ronna & Beverly, about two middle aged Jewish ladies in Boston (!!), and the Tim Robbins-produced drama Possible Side Effects, starring Josh Lucas. Sadly for someone probably, they've passed on the Matthew Perry series End of Steve. [Variety] More cable bad news: the season two finale of FX series Damages was down 32% from last year in the ol' ratings department. Though, a third season has already been ordered, so no worries. [THR]

The terrific Rosemarie DeWitt is joining the cast of John Wells' Company Man, alongside Chris Cooper, Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, and Ben Affleck. They're filming in Boston, so I'm gonna have to run home and gawp at them like a regular weirdo or something. [THR] Amaury Nolasco, from Prison Break, has been cast in the Hunter S. Thompson adaptation The Rum Diary, starring Johnny Depp. It's filming in Puerto Rico, so if you're there, go and gawp like a standard strange-o. [THR]

One of the many perks of living in countries like Slovakia, Romania, and the Czech Republic? You get to watch the precious premium cabler the MGM Channel. Well now those of you in jealous Slovenia can relax. They've finally brought the network to you too. So good. All is well in Central and Eastern Europe. [Variety]

In perhaps the most notorious example of a suddenly superfluous tattoo, Johnny Depp had "Winona Forever" inked onto his arm in a tribute to then-fiancée Winona Ryder. Depp eventually had his tattoo changed to read "Wino Forever," eschewing the somewhat more enigmatic, possibly golf-related "Win a Fore."


Jude Law quoted the Beatles in a forearm tattoo honoring wife Sadie Frost: "You came along to turn on everything, Sexy Sadie." The two divorced after six years of marriage, and Law has covered up the lyric with a tattoo of a heart.


As soon as Juno was released, Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody announced that she was single and looking to mingle with all eligible homeskillets by inking over her husband's name.


Instead of covering up her "Billy Bob" tattoo, Angelina Jolie simply had it lasered off after she split up with Billy Bob Thornton. In response, Jennifer Aniston finally rubbed off a Magic Marker tribute to Tate Donovan on her inner thigh.


Tom Arnold had a variety of terrifying Roseanne-related tattoos inflicted onto his body when the two were married, including one on his hindquarters. All four tattoos have reportedly been lasered off; we are declining to look for visual proof and will take him at his word.


When Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee split, she had her ring finger tattoo modified from "Tommy" to "Mommy." No word on whether Lee was able to cover up the "Pamela" he had tattooed onto his penis; if there are any groupies out there with Hep C and stories about a schlong scrawled with "Penisla," let us know.

Well, hold on to your what-whats, because according to this "What's New with Samwell?" YouTube interview, What What (In the Butt): The Movie could soon fill the urban-comedy hole left in cineplexes between Madea adventures. (Indeed, we think Tyler Perry's What What (in the Butt) makes a far more logical casting scenario than the interviewer's suggestion of Leo DiCaprio.) Of course, lifelong "Butt" fan Johnny Depp—who, as Samwell tells it, loves the song so much co-star Marion Cotillard lured the artist to the set for a command performance—could probably spin the material into further career gold, with Tim Burton's help turning the reluctant bottom into another classic fairytale outsider. Like Edward Scissorhand, except with stuff going up his butt. [YouTube]

Enemies was the subject of a Sherman Oaks test screening over the weekend, reviews of which have been pieced together from message boards and other outlets of a mostly happy viewership. Loath to major spoilers as we are, we've chosen a few, more subtle highlights to illuminate what you have to look forward to from the Depp-Bale-Cotillard saga coming to theaters July 1:

· "To watch Johnny's face go through all the emotions he's feeling is just incredible."

· "THE MAIN THING THAT BOTHERED ME MOST? The handheld cameras. Really did not like the handheld cameras. During the shoot outs I felt like I was in a video game and that took me out of the movie and it just pissed me off. I couldn't think of why Michael Mann decided to film the movie like that."

· "As for the film needing "tightening"-possibly. I'm not sure what else could be cut, but then again, I know the story so it wasn't difficult for me to follow. I noticed a few camera shakes which may have been unintentional( or maybe intentional?) The gunfire is very loud which I didn't mind, but some might think it too loud."

· "[N]o sex scenes to speak of - just enough to show that [John Dillinger] & Billie were totally connected. (Sorry ladies….I would've liked a scene or two, it wasn't really necessary to the story.)"

· "Bale was not developed enough. Thought his accent was great and he was very believable, but I think more time should have spent on his character than say Baby Face Nelson. There were a couple other side characters I didn't care about either, but it didn't ruin the experience for me. Marion Cotillard. What can I say other that she's beautiful and talented."

· "Just bring your kleenex."

• Test Screening Reviews: Michael Mann's 'Public Enemies' [/Film via NYP]

Life & Style is running with a rumor that Penn is circling Larry while Johnny Depp is eyed for Moe—and while we wouldn't normally put much credence in L&S's crack Hollywood investigatory team, initially skeptical site Filmdrunk received this tip today:

I've got a source who says Billy West (famous voice actor from Futurama and Ren & Stimpy, among other things) is meeting with Sean Penn today and tomorrow to help him prep his Larry impression - so that part of the rumor is at least partially true.

West based his Stimpy voice on the Stooges' Larry and used to impersonate him on Howard Stern's show, so he's certainly a plausible coach for Penn to hire. But Larry? Really? Like, we're aware that it was Curly, not Larry, who squawked, "Nyuk-Nyuk," but we couldn't even conceive of a good Larry quote to make this post's headline.

Still, maybe it was this Peter Farrelly quote (from a 2004 New Yorker article) that wooed Penn: "Growing up, first you watched Curly, then Moe, and then your eyes got to Larry. He's the reactor, the most vulnerable. Five to fourteen, Curly; fourteen to twenty-one, Moe. Anyone out of college, if you're not looking at Larry, you don't have a good brain." All right, Peter—if you say so. Get Mickey Rourke to open up an old rivalry as Curly, and we'll take your word for it.

• WELL THIS SEEMS UNLIKELY [Filmdrunk]

After the jump: Which Party of Five star is returning to series TV?

· Neve Campbell is close to joining the cast of The Philanthropist—a new drama from NBC, ensuring Campbell's return to network TV will be short-lived. [THR]
· "Craig T. Nelson to do CSI arc." For a second we thought that meant he had decided to become an architect, but he's just going on that tired forensics show. Just a little local architecture school humor! Slow day in Hollywood, folks. [THR]