The late '90s were a heady time for the late-night monologist, with all the easy jokes about stained blue dresses, cigars, crawling under the desk, and blow jobs in the Oval Office that the protracted Lewinsky/Clinton scandal delivered them on a silver platter with the White House seal emblazoned on it. Letterman made such a franchise out of it, he had a hard time letting the convention die. Now that everyone knows he's been giving it to members of his own staff, he's going to have to endure the sting of the same jibes from Leno, O'Brien, Fallon, and even poor, forgotten Kimmel.

Here's a compendium of some of his comedic gems that have turned themselves into barbs:

Monica Lewinsky's Top Ten Nicknames for Bill Clinton"

10. Puffy the Intern Slayer
9. Sheriff Bubba
8. The Chief Sexecutive
7. Unnamed High-Ranking Official
6. My Sweet Impeachable You
5. The Little Rock Rascal
4. El Presidente del Armor
3. Tubby Dearest
2. Commander-in-Briefs
1. Free Willie 2

[Source]

"Now we hear that Monica has sued the President for $1,000,002.50. That's one million for pain and suffering and $2.50 for dry cleaning."

"I really have to hand it to the White House. Around here we can't even get the interns to work the copy machine."

[Source]

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her."

"Celebrity birthdays, today Monica Lewinsky is 28. It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office."

"No move ever goes smoothly. Today Clinton's brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room."
— David Letterman

[Source]

"Monica Lewinsky has her own show on HBO. I have not seen it yet but I understand it's getting very good word of mouth." -David Letterman

"Monica Lewinsky was on Larry King Live tonight. Monica really liked Larry King. Actually, she likes any guy with a desk."

[Source]

"Over the weekend President Clinton's dog Buddy died. It is a heartbreaking thing because Buddy was a great dog. Buddy could rollover, Buddy would beg. Buddy could catch things in his mouth - wait a minute - I'm sorry. I am thinking of Monica."

"President Bush has authorized the drop of 15,000-pound bombs on Afghanistan. I believe that is the heaviest ordered drop by a president since ... well, Monica."

"It turns out now that Bill Clinton ... he had tape recorders working in the Oval Office. This could get pretty good. They apparently were voice activated, just like his fly. These tapes are available to everybody. There's 80 in the Clinton audiotape collection. And if you buy all 80, he'll throw his sex video, 'Too Hot for the Starr Report.' ... The tape recorder was equipped with forward, reverse and pause, just like his interns. ... The people that have listened to them say you can't really hear anything because of the sound of Monica's head thumping on the desk."

"The House has approved drilling for oil in the Alaska wilderness. Say what you will about Clinton, but he was only interested in drilling in the Oval Office."

"Bush went to Wisconsin, to a Harley Davidson factory and rode a motorcycle. It's the biggest thing a president has ridden since ... I just can't bring myself to throw that joke away."

"Well, President Clinton has gotten himself a new dog. You know, I think it's changing his life, kind of brightening him up. He's teaching the dog to sit up, to beg, to roll-over, you know, just like he did with the interns."

[Source]

Intern Ari Golub compiled this truly impressive clip of everyone on every channel at every hour of the day making barely veiled oral sex and gay jokes, nonstop, because we are not a very mature nation.

Special shout-out to Brian Kilmeade, the friendliest of the Fox & Friends, who seems strangely repelled by and drawn to any physical contact of any kind among manly men, naked together in showers or no.

Well, a couple people noticed. Anyone who actually read the review should've noticed, because if you're reading Modernism/Modernity you really ought to recognize the visiting lecturer on Living Icons from White Noise. Especially once the review stopped addressing the Wallace book and detoured into DeLillo pastiche.

It is at this point that I must confess to missing something in Wallace, namely the presence of women nearer the center of the narration (setting aside Lenore Stonecipher Beadsman, Jr., the protagonist in Wallace's first novel, The Broom of the System). I admit that I've always been partial to them, i.e. women. I fall apart at the sight of long legs, striding, briskly, as a breeze carries up from the river, on a weekday, in the play of morning light. And what fun it is to talk to an intelligent woman wearing nylon stockings as she crosses her legs. Wallace, I suspect, shares these predilections and could write wonderfully complicated women.

And, you know, there are footnotes citing Jack Gladney. But still, you don't expect a puckish little pomo joke like that from the staid folks at Modernism/Modernity. Which is why, maybe, actual real-life graduate students are citing the review as a serious piece of scholarly work. Which, guys, White Noise is only a cornerstone of postmodern American literature that you should be intimately familiar with by the time you're registering for classes for the second semester of your freshman year! We're just saying!

But, yes, Modernism/Modernity has acknowledged that this was just a little gag and not an Alan Sokal-style hoax intended to deceive. And But it took five years! (We were maybe all too preoccupied with death?)

Friedman uses the power of "humor" to explain complex situations in terms we can all understand. And what we mean by that is he tells crappy old jokes and then tries to make them sound relevant to whatever topic he's simplifying to the third-grade reading level of his corporate audience.

The New Republic's Dylan Matthews actually tracked down all of jokes Friedman has made in his Times columns (it's easy to do, because he prefaces jokes by explaining that he is about to tell a joke), and it is delightful reading.

Here is a joke he told in 1993, about the Arab-Israeli conflict:

"For years I have explained the longevity of the Arab-Israeli conflict with a joke about a very religious Jew named Goldberg who wanted to win the lottery. He would go to synagogue every Sabbath and pray: 'God, I have been such a pious man all of my life. What would be so bad if I won the lottery?' And the lottery would come, and Goldberg would not win. This went on week after week, month after month. Finally, one Sabbath, Goldberg couldn't take it anymore, and said to the Almighty: 'God, I have been so good, so observant. What do I have to do to win the lottery?'

And suddenly the heavens parted and the voice of God boomed out: 'Goldberg, give me a chance. Buy a ticket.'"

Ha ha, get it? It's just like how the Israelis pray for peace but never buy peace tickets. And here is a joke he told this year, about the middle east situation:

"During a telephone interview Tuesday with President Obama about his speech to Arabs and Muslims in Cairo on Thursday, I got to tell the president my favorite Middle East joke. It gave him a good laugh. It goes like this:

There is this very pious Jew named Goldberg who always dreamed of winning the lottery. Every Sabbath, he'd go to synagogue and pray: "God, I have been such a pious Jew all my life. What would be so bad if I won the lottery?' But the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn't win. Week after week, Goldberg would pray to win the lottery, but the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn't win. Finally, one Sabbath, Goldberg wails to the heavens and says: 'God, I have been so pious for so long, what do I have to do to win the lottery?'

And the heavens parted and the voice of God came down: 'Goldberg, give me a chance! Buy a ticket!'"

Oh man, it is even better this time! Because of italics!

Which is weird! Because, see, the prosecutor on that show never won. It's funny! Then Al sort of rambles a bit about how Sonia watched Perry Mason in the Bronx, as a child, with her mom, and he watched in St. Louis Park, as a child, with the Coen brothers (j/k!), and now she is going to be on the Supreme Court, and that's "pretty cool."

This is obvious proof that he lacks the depth and gravitas necessary to be a US Senator. Unlike, say, Tom fucking Coburn.

He is talking about how Senators are lonely, and desperate for love, or something.

You know, all three of us spend a lot of time covering politicians and I don't know about you guys, but in my view, they're all emotional freaks of one sort or another. They're guaranteed to invade your personal space, touch you. I sat next to a Republican senator once at dinner and he had his hand on my inner thigh the whole time. I was like, ehh, get me out of here.

And some people are like, "who is he talking about? Lindsey Graham? Mitch McConnell?" And other people are like he is such a sexist because he is freaked out by sexual harassment and that happens to ladies all the time and he doesn't care!

But, yeah, it really just seems like a really lame attempt at a gay panic joke of the sort that old straight dudes always think are funny. "One of those queers touched me once, it was gross!" And the fact that "Republican senator" can basically stand in for "one of those queers," in that joke, as made by a conservative columnist, is proof of how far we have come, as a nation.

Wonkette founding editor, Air America Washington Correspondent, and Playboy.com contributing editor Cox is filling in for Rachel Maddow tonight on MSNBC. And she's been Tweeting about it! But then, yesterday, Michael Jackson dropped dead. And a tipster found Ms. Cox's reaction insufficiently reverent and possibly colored by self-interest!

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Thought this was kind of weird: @anamariecox was immediately indignant over the roadblock coverage of Michael Jackson's collapse/death. Within an hour or so of his dying she posted "Really, news media of the world? REALLY? Well at least the NYT has a liveblog! http://bit.ly/IgVQS What color do we turn our icons now?"

Haha, I guess. So what? Worse things are being said. Then she went on about it: "To be clear: death is tragic, Michael Jackson was a cultural icon. RIP But I find the blur of roadblock cable coverage less than edifying."

Uh, OK. Point made. Then this one explains it: "Headed to hotel from 30 Rock with no TelePrompTer practice or idea of how the show works but did score souvenir hoodie! #rightplacewrongtime"

I guess Rachel Maddow wasn't on and she didn't get to watch how the show goes down to practice for her guest host spot? THAT's why she's annoyed by MJ coverage? I mean, this isn't Jon & Kate we're talking about here. The guy drops dead and she's pissed that her rehearsal is cancelled? I found that shit less than edifying.

Sincerely, a reader

Ok, a reader, but there are a couple things going on here!

One if that if someone we didn't care that much about dropped dead the night before we were supposed to host a live cable news program for the very first time, and said death interrupted our one chance to watch a live broadcast of the show we were to host, we would be pretty fucking annoyed. We might not Twitter about it, but that is because we still don't get Twitter, and the only person who follows us anyway is Cox's husband Chris*, so no one would even notice if we did did Tweet about our annoyance.

Another is that dressing up that personal annoyance in the garb of a critique of cable news standards and priorities is pretty funny, yes.

But finally, "what color do we turn our icons now" is both pretty funny and also a very apt comment on the self-regard of Twitterers who think they have any hand in either breaking or affecting news of this magnitude. Because yesterday it was nothing but off-color jokes, useless retweets of links to "traditional" news sources, rambling personal tales of the first time a Tweeter heard Thriller, and lies about Jeff Goldblum. And that is what Twitter should be, basically, which is why getting all huffy about a journalist using her personal Twitter to crack little jokes and worry about her upcoming gig, which it seems like Twitter was meant for, is kinda goofy.

Good luck, AMC!

*That is our FULL DISCLOSURE, here.

The first person to actually do this was, of course, Imus producer Bernard McGuirk. Even better, it was in the context of a hilarious routine involving a cardinal who speaks in a comical pretend Irish accent, which allows him to "get away" with saying "outrageous" things that "we're all thinking" but wouldn't say aloud because of the "PC police." And the segment began with that hilarious salsa music the Mexicans listen to, in their cars.

We apologize for the error. In the future, when we suspect someone has been the first to make a racially tone-deaf joke about a prominent minority figure, we will make sure to check the Imus archives before reporting it.

THIS was sent by Ambassador Edward Elson. Its origin, I don't know. He doesn't know, either. Anyhow:

Q: Doctor, does cardiovascular exercise prolong life? Answer: Your heart is only good for so many beats. Don't waste them on exercise. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

There are seven more of those. Seven. That she reprints, at least. From the former Ambassador to Denmark. No one send her "Kurt Vonnegut's" commencement address, the Post might have to run a correction.

Only in an email forward from your dad, kids.

The stupid tradition goes back to, who knows, British newspapers, who had this prank thing down pat, because they make shit up every day. But, you know, the BBC did the spaghetti tree thing in 1957, and the papers still run almost-plausible stories every year. We have some small modicum of respect for the well-executed Fleet Street April Fools' prank, because, hey, they're actual real legitimate newspapers that print lies for laughs once a year. Subverting the 'authority' of a printed newspaper with bullshit is just funnier than, like, making your "funny news" web community look like a social networking site for a day.

The problem is everyone, especially on the internet, is so clever now, and hip to the joke—that is the primary tone of 90% of all communication these days, "in on the joke"—so all the fun has just been leeched out of the pranks. You know no one at all will buy it, and everyone, at the same time, is expecting it, so it's actually just this depressing obligation to make a joke that you know no one will actually enjoy.

Google has to "outdo" themselves every year with a stupid new pretend feature or application, and the only time it's ever been funny was when they actually for-real announced Gmail on April 1, 2004.

Just look at this exhaustive/exhausting list of every lousy prank going on today and tell us you wouldn't rather just read any given issue of The Onion than slog through DailyCandy's yukfest. Maybe the last genuinely amusing 'pranks' left are the internal media memos. They at least have the benefit of seeming bitchy, and not just more "oh aren't we cheeky" fun-for-public-consumption. (The Politico memo is more "funny because it's true"—or maybe not funny because it's true?)

It's all a depressing parade of sad clowns jeered at for not being funny enough by the onlookers congratulating themselves for not finding clowns funny anymore.

All that said, we agree that this one's kinda funny.

After American everyman Dave had his little chuckle at Alicia's story, he said, "Look at that! Let's see the byline on that. That's a proud byline. Happy to have your name above that story, I guess. Nice job, Alicia! Good work! Keep up the good work!"

That was last night. Turns out Alicia was laid off last week. What is so "funny" about the loss of one more hardworking Iowan reporter, who was dedicated to keeping the public informed of bathroom blow-up doll sex threats? Now you owe her—and us—an apology, Dave, along with tickets to the show and a 2-night stay at the midtown Hilton and complimentary dinner and breakfast. [TV Barn also has video]

Yeah right, Mr. Berman! Very clever!

There are a million more names listed so we'll just "crowdsource" this and ask you to send us anything interesting, like the fact that Edgar Bronfman Jr. donated, as well as Vint "I Invented The Internet" Cerf.

With Russian tanks only 30 miles from Tbilisi on August 12, Mr Sarkozy told Mr Putin that the world would not accept the overthrow of Georgia’s Government. According to Mr Levitte, the Russian seemed unconcerned by international reaction. “I am going to hang Saakashvili by the balls,” Mr Putin declared.

Mr Sarkozy thought he had misheard. “Hang him?” — he asked. “Why not?” Mr Putin replied. “The Americans hanged Saddam Hussein.”

Mr Sarkozy, using the familiar tu, tried to reason with him: “Yes but do you want to end up like [President] Bush?” Mr Putin was briefly lost for words, then said: “Ah — you have scored a point there.”

Oh man, Putin totally zinged us! Zinged by Putin!

That won't happen now that Barack Obama is in charge. No, he commands respect. Another added bonus of an Obama presidency? When people try to zing him, it just shows how boorish and lame the zinger is! First Silvio Berlusconi made that lame "suntanned" joke, and everyone was like, what? Now the Poles are doing it! Polish people are making jokes about us! This aggression cannot stand!

"Poland has been forced to deny its foreign minister 'joked' that President-Elect Barack Obama's grandparents were cannibals. In an episode that could potentially strain relations between Warsaw and Washington, Radek Sikorski, an Oxford-educated politician who has lived in the US, was reported to have made the jibe by an opposition politician, Ryszard Czarnecki. Writing in his blog, Mr Czarnecki, an MEP, quoted the foreign minister as saying: 'Have you heard that Obama may have a Polish connection? His grandfather ate a Polish missionary.' A spokesman for the Polish foreign office conceded that Mr Sikorski had made the controversial comment, but denied that the foreign minister had intended to insult Mr Obama, whose father was Kenyan."

Sheesh, Poland. We're not letting you in any more of our coalitions of the willing. Is it so funny now?

The L.A. Times sent a reporter out to the comedy clubs this weekend to watch black comedians make their black comedian jokes about Barack Obama, the new black president.

Tommy Davidson's centerpiece joke about President-elect Barack Obama at a Los Angeles comedy club over the weekend "killed" — in more ways than one.

Davidson, who was a regular on Fox's hip sketch comedy show "In Living Color," bounded on stage Friday at the Comedy Union on Pico Boulevard and said he would like to perform a bit from Obama's upcoming inaugural speech. He stood at an imaginary podium — then, a "shot" rang out and he collapsed in a heap.

The audience was momentarily shocked, then erupted in laughter. But for some, the laughs stuck in their throats.

Chris Rock's Head of State features the same joke, of course. And Richard Pryor did a First Black President routine back in the 70s that was mercifully free of assassination material.

But honestly, we're not particularly worried about the "challenge" comedians face in an Obama presidency. Sure, the man himself is not particularly funny, or at least not easily mockable so far, but the "Bush is stupid" and "Clinton is a horndog" jokes were the worst parts of the last 20 years worth of popular political humor so god bless a guy who'll make everyone have to try a little harder.

• Yo moms such a ho they set up robocalls for all her booty calls. [anildash]
• Yo mama so fat, her other biography is called "The Audacity of Hardee's." [loresjoberg]
  
• Yo momma’s so fat, John McCain looked into her eyes and saw three letters: KFC. [gesteves]
  
• You moms so fat ACORN registered her to vote *three* times. [djchall]
  
• Your momma's so fat, Nate Silver has revolutionized the science of trying to weigh her. [fernandorizo]
  

Sadly, the election dozens seem to have slowed down in recent days, at least on Twitter. Maybe everyone feels like it's a bit too soon to laugh.

1. "Magical Binder"

If you ever tried to write on a three-ring binder in your lap, you know how annoying it is when it keeps folding up, and possibly falling between your legs. Chuck's idea: "I don't have all the plans drawn up, you will have to spend the half hour figuring out the best way to make this a reality, but someone should produce a three ring binder that locks open, creating a rigid plane of productivity."

2. "Sex Sells Stuff"

The energy drink market is crowded with competitors, and the big players like Coke seem to have it on lock. How to even the playing field for smaller energy drink companies? Chuck's idea: "Product placement in pornographic films."

3. "Deep Fried Gold."

Fried foods offer restaurants a healthy profit margin, because a lot of their bulk is just made up of grease and fry material. Chuck's idea: "A restaurant that only sells deep fried nuggets/bite sized morsels of food. The nuggets are sold by the pound, and everything is the same price per pound. The customer wants a pound of deep fried okra or a pound of deep fried chicken nuggets, it costs the same."

If anyone does invent any of these, give us a cut too, for directing you to his site.

[Ideas By Chuck, first spotted at Adrants]