Gawker: Jokes

Thomas Friedman Has Joke, Not Afraid to Use It

Pareene — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 18:14:51 EDT

New York Times columnist Tom Friedman, the premier public intellectual of blindly cheerleading globalization, has been wrong about nearly everything, ever. He is hailed as a foreign policy genius, and of course he was dead wrong on Iraq. He is hailed as a brilliant economist, and maybe he is, but his magical flat global future looks increasingly like the wet dream of a guilty rich liberal who doesn't want to hear about inequality that can't be solved by internet access. His most stunning insights are banal cliches, often attributed to cab drivers in exotic (developing) foreign locales. But we have to hand it to him: his joke about Sarah Palin and oil drilling is pretty funny! It is so funny, in fact, that he delivered it 500 times last week, from Letterman on through the Sunday shows. Let's all congratulate Thomas Friedman on his very first joke! Chant with him: CARBON PAPER CARBON PAPER CARBON PAPER!

Steal Ideas From A Lazy Genius

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:21:25 EDT

Hey, here's an idea: If you're a would-be inventor with more ideas than time or engineering skill or business sense, why not just start a blog with all your wacky ideas? Then if somebody actually takes one and invents it, they can give you a cut of the profits. Why, that's just clever enough to be an entry on "Ideas By Chuck," a blog which has much better ideas than many places that are actually paid to come up with things! Chuck admits "I don't have the resources or passion to make these ideas reality," but he does "hope this blog makes the world a better place." And how could it not? Three of our favorite of ideas from Chuck, below. Office supplies, porn, and fried foods all play a role!

1. "Magical Binder"

If you ever tried to write on a three-ring binder in your lap, you know how annoying it is when it keeps folding up, and possibly falling between your legs. Chuck's idea: "I don't have all the plans drawn up, you will have to spend the half hour figuring out the best way to make this a reality, but someone should produce a three ring binder that locks open, creating a rigid plane of productivity."

2. "Sex Sells Stuff"

The energy drink market is crowded with competitors, and the big players like Coke seem to have it on lock. How to even the playing field for smaller energy drink companies? Chuck's idea: "Product placement in pornographic films."

3. "Deep Fried Gold."

Fried foods offer restaurants a healthy profit margin, because a lot of their bulk is just made up of grease and fry material. Chuck's idea: "A restaurant that only sells deep fried nuggets/bite sized morsels of food. The nuggets are sold by the pound, and everything is the same price per pound. The customer wants a pound of deep fried okra or a pound of deep fried chicken nuggets, it costs the same."

If anyone does invent any of these, give us a cut too, for directing you to his site.

[Ideas By Chuck, first spotted at Adrants]

Jay Leno Taking The Rest Of The Day Off

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 09:49:05 EDT

"Kazakhstan's sole communication satellite, used by many of the nation's TV broadcasters, is out of control due to a computer glitch and may be lost altogether, officials said." At least they won't be able to see all the "Borat" jokes that are coming. Ha, who's running the space program over there, ha? [NYP]

It's Funny Because He's Blind

Pareene — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:51:40 EDT

Of all the people spotted by Page Six's army of loyal spies, readers, and publicists, they chose a photo of governor David Paterson to illustrate their "sightings." 'Cause he can't see! How delightfully witty! [NYP]

'Worst Album Covers': Been Done, Thanks

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 30 May 2008 13:16:44 EDT

Here's an idea that was only clever the first 20 or 30 times someone did it: "The Worst Album Covers Of All Time." Ha, look at the ugly people! The first person who dug through crates and crates of old records to find the funniest 1973 dulcimer trio was a genius; pretty much everyone since is just a copycat. Blogger 33 1/3 points out that every freaking list like this just draws from the same pool of Google-able bad album covers already out there. Like AM NY and the South Florida Sun-Sentinel did this week. And the most popular bad album cover is a fake! A Photoshop joke! A years-old joke, which media outlets can't stop falling for. Like Very Short List, which marvels today, "Someone at VSL Headquarters was convinced that these were all elaborately executed jokes, fake records concocted the day before yesterday. But they are definitely real." No; here's the real version of "Can I Borrow A Feeling?":

It's by Kirk Van Houten, on The Simpsons. Listen to it here.

Can I borrow a feelin'? Could you send me a jar of love? Hurtin' hearts need some healin', Take my hand with your glove of love!

AP Baffled When Jimmy Fallon Tells "Joke"

Pareene — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:36:54 EDT

The Observer covered NBC's press conference anointing never-funny (but cute!) former SNLer Jimmy Fallon the new king of late-late night. They included this anecdote: "Mr. Fallon claimed his kindergarten yearbook featured his photo above the caption 'Most Likely to Take Over David Letterman.' (Someone in the crowd, possibly auditioning to be Mr. Fallon's sidekick, let out an audible 'Wow' at this point.) When asked what kindergarten had yearbooks, much less ones with references to David Letterman, Mr. Fallon joked, 'It's a magical kindergarten. It's taught by a unicorn, a talking unicorn.'" See? He's doing some of that funny joking-around stuff the late-night comics do. But no one told the Associated Press, as you can see in the attached story. [NYO, AP]

Penn Jillette Appalls Joe Scarborough With Old Joke

Pareene — Wed, 07 May 2008 13:35:16 EDT

Loud, shouty, occasional magician Penn Jillette was on MSNBC, talking about politics. Why? It's unclear. He had some misogynistic anti-Hillary joke that became a YouTube thing a while back. Now the joke is old and tired (like HILLARY CLINTON, right??) but Penn dutifully repeated, along with his claim that the fact that the joke went over so well with his crazy audience meant Hil was doomed from day one. He doesn't really seem to think that says anything too terrible about the nation, but whatever. Point is: arbiter of civility Joe Scarborough disapproved. And sad Mika Brzezinski said only, "I don't like that." Clip attached.

Hey, At Least They Got A T-Shirt

rebecca — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:59:13 EDT

When Dennis FitzSimons left the Tribune Co. in December, he got a $41 million payout. Awesome for him, offensive for everyone else. And as a joke on fate's cruelty to work-a-day journalists, the Hartford Courant handed out t-shirts that said "My CEO walked off with $41 million and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!" Nothing says motivation like a shirt to wear to the gym. [Romenesko]

McSweeney's Un-Humor Is Invading The World

Nick Douglas — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 23:59:24 EST

Remember how the Nothing invaded the fantasy land in The Neverending Story? It's happening to comedy. Un-comedy is in the show "Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job" (and much else on Adult Swim); it's in the New Yorker; and McSweeney's, the writhing heart of the Nothing, has infected Esquire with it. In a piece titled "Joke" McSweeney's writer Deb Olin Unferth tells an intentionally stupid story. Am I too dumb to get whatever clever point Unferth is making, or is this really the worst "so unfunny it's funny" story ever to appear in a publication not edited by Dave Eggers? (Don't worry, there's a plain text version of the "joke" under the napkin-scribble version shown here, although I bet Unferth wanted to make everyone decipher her handwriting.)

Jokey Ad Agency Looking To Fill Made-Up Position

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 16:17:46 EST

There are three things you need to know about GSD&M Idea City: It's a humongo ad agency based in Austin, Texas; Its CEO is Roy Spence, who is currently engaged in helping Hillary Clinton figure out how to make people like her; and its name makes it ripe for jokes from waggish creative types. Bondage humor, or just call it "Greed Sex Drugs & Money?" Endless possibilities. The agency is also having a terrible year, and recently laid off 200 employees. How are they planning to get back on track? With just one hire: a CHIEF IDEA OFFICER. Polish up your C.V.'s and practice your vague sloganeering for that one, advertising people. Hey GSD&M, here's an idea: (Sex drug money joke). Ha! What else?[Agency Spy]

Dilation And NEGstraction: Partial Jokes

abalk2 — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 18:20:15 EDT

We're a little bit on edge about today's Supreme Court decision upholding the ban on dilation and extraction—or, as it has become commonly known, partial-birth abortion—but we know that laughter is the only way to heal the hurt. Or at least, partial laughter. To that end, we looked to the Fox News Red Eye host and humanitarian Greg Gutfeld, whose look at the lighter side of abortion has given us so many chuckles over the years. Some of Greg's jokes needed a few tweaks for relevance, but we think you'll find yourself having a few yuks either way! Or not—it's your choice. For now.

A fetus wakes up one morning only to realize he's in the process of being partial-birth aborted. The fetus looks at the doctor and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The doctor turns to the patient and says, "Don't worry, not all of them are this partially stupid."

A man finds a fetus on a park bench, crying, and asks "What's the matter?" The fetus responds, "I just got partial-birth aborted!" "That's terrible," says the man, "but it could be worse. If you were born you'd probably end up fighting a war you partially don't support in Iraq."

Girl: Did I ever tell you about the worst partial-birth abortion I ever had?
Man: No.
Girl: It was partially great!

Knock-knock
Who's there?
You'll partially never know!

A woman and her fetus were walking into a clinic. "I'm scared," said the fetus.
The woman replies: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here having undergone a dilation and extraction!"

Why did the fetus cross the road?
To get to the other side. Partially.

A daughter goes up to her mother and says, "Mom can I have $300 for a partial-birth abortion?"
"Sure," says the mom. "Dilate my purse and extract $300 from it."

FINALLY! THE ROE V. WADE JOKE PAGE!!! [HuffPo]