• The best part about this Page Six item regarding Jennifer Aniston's fears and apprehensions over Gerard Butler completely forgetting who she is now that they're done shooting their film? When they refer to Butler's dog as a "pug of war." I want a "pug of war." Also, the way the tabloids have gone from writing about Jennifer Aniston in the mean ha-ha way to writing about Aniston in the "oh, god, her love life is such a mess we almost feel bad" way is almost worse, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well, Page Six pulled one of the better, more hysterical Scott Rudin stories I've ever heard. LOL-worthy stuff, this is:

  "As we sped along the expressway, Scott's phone buzzed," writes Rudnick. "He answered it, and his face became a mask of rage. He yelled, 'How did you get this number?' and hurled the phone at the windshield. 'Who was it?' I asked. 'My mother,' he replied, instantly calm."

  My feelings exactly. Scott Rudin's just a tortured Jewish kid, get it? [Page Six]
  
  

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart hate the paparazzi. Like, hate them. The paps are holding Pats and K-Stew prisoner in their lives. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart finally admits that she understands the formula making Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series so resonate amongst hypnotized teenagers: Vampires are sexy. Yes, and also, blood-sucking, money-sucking, and sleazy. Can we start the anti-vampire movement, here? Not the we-hate-vampires thing in True Blood, but more like the Vampires Suck Categorically More Than They Do, Literally movement. We should just move on to robots, or something equally ridiculous. Please. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Chris Brown is going to, uh, have dance parties to repent for his bout of domestic violence? He can maybe invent a new dance, something like the Soulja Boy, but far slicker. You know how the moonwalk makes someone look like they're not really moving? Chris Brown can do that, except instead of taking him off the stage, he could slide into obscurity incredibly smoothly. [NYDN]
  
  
• How can LeAnn Rimes live without you, or her ex? Pretty easily, apparently. She misspelled the name of her ex on an annoucement to her fans on her website. FAIL. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winhouse may or may not be back with Blake, the crackhead ex-husband with whom she shares an intensely sadomasochistic relationship with. This is the kind of thing that could produce a great Winehouse album, which I'm convinced she still has in her. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rumer Willis wants a family reunion on screen with Demi, Bruce, and herself. Sure, whatever, just leave Koosher out of it. Also, this could make a great final chapter in the Die Hard franchise. [People]
  
  
• The Hanson bros are basically like, the Jonas Bros jacked out act. TRUTH. [TMZ]
  
  
• Audrina Patridge, the salutatorian of The Hills, is gearing up for her own "spicier, edgier, older" television show after "graduating" from The Hills. I wonder what that commencement speech sounds like. [People]
  
  
• Michaela Watkins: fired from SNL. EW gets the first interview where she admits that she doesn't know what Lorne Michaels was thinking, but he did tell her that she deserves her own show. Which, yes, is probably what he says to everyone when he cans them. Including his support staff. [EW]
  
  
• Ashlee Simpson, whose name I hate spelling out because it makes me feel like I've been netted in a wide conspiracy to make the universe far stupider than it was two minutes ago, tells Rachel Ray that she could "do the splits" when she was preggers. And how, exactly, did she know this? [US]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's grandmother fell in the driveway of the Gosselin complex and had to be taken to the hospital. [People]

And for those who made it to the bottom today, a treat: I've found this so called Pug of War. It is wonderful:

If this is what Gerard Butler has, then yes, I absolutely want one. Also, if I were Aniston, yes, I'd be worried.

• Bradley Cooper, who cruelly and publicly stuck Jennifer Aniston in the friend zone recently, is probably boning Renee Zellweger right this minute because they were spotted eating together at an Upper East Side restaurant, where they were allegedly really into each other. Zellweger was overheard repeating the line "you're so funny" all night long. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kevin Jonas, the oldest of those little Jonas freaks, is engaged, so we guess he can shed that chastity ring and stop being a big, fat, stupid virgin soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Diane Keaton was rushed to the hospital after—Are you ready for this?—injuring herself in a sumo wrestling match! [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panetierre is appearing totally nude in the movie I Love You Beth Cooper. She says that she's got the goods so she might as well she them off. We agree! [Daily News]
  
  
• David and Victoria Beckham have now been married for a decade. The Daily Mirror has compiled a list of the Beckham's tips for making a celebrity marriage work. [Mirror]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer has fully dumped Topper and has moved on to boning some German aristocrat dude who works for Uma Thurman's boyfriend named Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn. Yawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was kicked out of "the toilets" at a London club after she tried to sneak a girlfriend into a stall with her. A spy notes that Mischa looks as though she was having a "really good time." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In case you haven't already heard, Michael Jackson's will was examined by a court yesterday and he named Diana Ross as the "legal guardian" of his children. His ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, got nothing. [Mirror]
  
  
• A friend of Farrah Fawcett read a farewell letter written by Farrah to her son Redmond and her longtime love Ryan O'Neal that allegedly had everyone bawling. [Daily Mail]

Nick has Type I Diabetes, and he packed a Senate Homeland Security (?) and Governmental Affairs Committee briefing today with girls and their moms as he said some things about helping sick kids, or something, no one really payed much attention to what he said so much. A girl even fainted!

Politico's Pat Gavin got pictures of the crowd and the kids! And videos!

And he depressed Washington Times videographer and Yoga studio owner Liz Glover!

Yesterday, Nick met New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenberg (WHOOO!!!) at his office, where, according to the AP, "roughly a dozen Capitol Hill interns waited quietly across the hall from Lautenberg's office for a glimpse of Jonas."

And then he sprayed the entire subcommittee with a fire hose. Meanwhile the Senate will probably enter the July recess with the health care bill still in committee.

[Top photo: AP]

• Britney Spears is taking her bondage-themed tour to Europe soon and is rumored to be planning afterparties in clubs featuring "naked acrobats, topless burlesque babes and dancing dwarves." [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga doesn't care about the Jonas Brothers' dumb fake chastity vows, she wants to round those boys up, get them all in a room, and have a foursome with them! [Daily News]
  
  
• Human trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is trying desperately to land a gig as a "creative consultant" at a European fashion line, which has caused an uproar among the line's current employees, some of whom are threatening to quit if they hire her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle passed out in her bedroom after crying all day and yelling at Britain's Got Talent producers before she was admitted to a mental hospital. She was also heard screaming for her cat Pebbles as she was being admitted. This story gets sadder every day. [Sun]
  
  
• Winona Ryder said in an interview that she and Christian Slater have signed on to do a sequel of the Hollywood cult classic "Heathers." [Perez]
  
  
• Paris Hilton was kept away from the stars of The Hills on the red carpet of the MTV Movie Awards out of fear that there'd be some sort of catfight break out over Paris recently trashing the show. [3AM]
  
  
• Shia LaBeouf is set to star in the latest film adaptation of a John Grisham legal thriller. [Daily News]
  
  
• Did you see Cameron Diaz at the MTV Movie Awards? Everyone wants to know what the heck happened to her face! [WWTDD]
  
  
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, following the lead of Brangelina, are set to adopt a Vietnamese child very soon. [Sun]
  
  
• Stephen Dorff has apparently had enough of banging silicone-enhanced Hollywood bimbos and is settling down with his publicist. [Page Six]

According to a piece in Tuesday's New York Times, text messaging is responsible for a host of modern teenage problems, from anxiety to sleep deprivation to failing grades, but perhaps worst of all—-debilitating hand injuries brought about by excessive texting!

Annie Wagner, 15, a ninth-grade honor student in Bethesda, Md., used to text on her tiny LG phone as fast as she typed on a regular keyboard. A few months ago, she noticed a painful cramping in her thumbs. (Lately, she has been using the iPhone she got for her 15th birthday, and she says texting is slower and less painful.)

Peter W. Johnson, an associate professor of environmental and occupational health sciences at the University of Washington, said it was too early to tell whether this kind of stress is damaging. But he added,

"Based on our experiences with computer users, we know intensive repetitive use of the upper extremities can lead to musculoskeletal disorders, so we have some reason to be concerned that too much texting could lead to temporary or permanent damage to the thumbs."

Wait, aren't our opposable thumbs what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom? In that case, could the text messaging/thumb destruction epidemic currently sweeping the nation eventually lead to the complete breakdown of all human society? How long before we just start masturbating in public and slinging our feces all over the place like crazed mongrels?! Is excessive text messaging how Jim Cramer's slow decent into madness got started?!

Texting May Be Taking a Toll on Teenagers [New York Times]

1) Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail — $16.5 million
Down a hearty 60% from last weekend, the film still held on against the 3D onslaught of crotchlight rays being shot out by the fertile, holly-scented loins of the brothers Jonas. This latest Madea iteration has stuffed a total $64.9 million into its hilariously oversized bra, becoming Perry's highest-grossing movie to date. Next week a bunch of spandex-clad superheroes with drinking problems ought to handily blue wang their way past the old lady.

2) Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience — $12.7 million
Though their marble-mouthed lady counterpart, Miley Cyrus, earned a cool $33 million outta the gate with her own 3D concert picture show, the floppy-topped young lads just couldn't deliver on the goods the same way. Perhaps dads were less willing to escort their daughters to this one? Perhaps little gay boys couldn't couch their desire to go in a "she's so hot" charade, so they decided to hole themselves up in their rooms for the weekend, furtively? The pic had the best per-screen average of any top 10 pic this weekend, but still there must be some explanation for this vague disappointment.

3) Slumdog Millionaire — $12.2 million
Buoyed by all its Oscars, the two-little-Indians-that-could movie chugs like an extremely crowded train toward the global $200 million mark. When that auspicious goal is reached, all the children will be given the opportunity to trade their new houses in for back-end deals on Boyle's next picture, Kalkotta Hope Dreamer.

4) Taken — $10 million
Liam Neeson continues to thunder-fist his way through Albanians' faces, and American cineplexes, as his actioner speeds past the $100-million mark. This is good news for similarly-brooding actor Gabriel Byrne, who can't wait for you to see his 2010 down-and-dirty thrill-ride, Aggressed Upon—about a former NSA agent who must rescue his teenage son, played by a whimpering Drake Bell, who's been kidnapped by evil Azerbaijani producers and forced to perform in a middling 3D concert.

8) Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li — $4.7 million
I really didn't think that anyone remembered Street Fighter, that glorious old videogame about brawny international dudes—Ryu! Guile! M. Bison! Blanca!—and one lady battling out in, well, the streets. But I guess they sorta do, as this film about that one lady pocketed a not-so-bad little sack of dollars over the too-short weekend. I hope this means a new trend. 'Cause I would totally go see a ToeJam & Earl or Streets of Rage movie.

The Jonas Brothers have about as much in common with the Oscars as Joe Jonas has in common with being a gentleman. He claims that he wears a purity ring to remind him not to do anything that wouldn't make his mom proud. Just tell that to 25-second-phone call dumpee Taylor Swift.

Anne Hathaway dug deep in her interview to find a way to describe her Brokeback Mountain co-star Heath Ledger. He was so ... uh ... what's the word...

Mickey Rourke stayed in Oscar campaign mode and opened up on just how fucking much he wants that goddamn Oscar tonight. And he promises not to sexually molest the golden bald man.

All Walters wants to ask your song-y dance-y Oscar host Hugh Jackman is whether he's gay. But with a montage of his Broadway work opening the segment, she totally stacks the deck against him.

Jackman is willing to do anything to convince her that he's totally into women.

1. Whatever musical-number scenario Hugh Jackman winds up dumped into must feature the USC marching band. Jennifer Hudson was lovely and dignified, and M.I.A.'s pregnancy made for an unprecedentedly skull-bending blast of awards-show history. But neither yielded the Oscar-ready, post-ironic showstopper accompanying Thom Yorke and Jonny Greenwood on "15 Steps" — just the 30-piece, drum-and-brass thing to back up those aboriginal wind-spirits in the evening's Best Song medley. By contrast...

2. Disinvite the Jonas Brothers. You can't revoke Stevie Wonder's lifetime Grammy exception for one skunky Autotune intro and his abetting in the destruction of "Superstition." But you can punish the Jonas Brothers for their pitchy, rapey "Burnin' Up" overture: Confiscate their awards-season passports, and detain them until at least a full day after the Oscars just to prevent any further talent-pairing misfortunes. Actually, make it indefinite, lest their plot against Baz Luhrmann is actually legit.

• The Grammys [CBS]

Wait, first things first. You know who the Jonas Brothers are, right? They're the pro-Christian moptop rockadoo savin' it boyband from New Jersey who have set thousands of adolescent lady (and some gent) loins into exciting first tinglings. They are as beloved as any quickly evaporating flash in the pan ever is. They're the late aughts' pop-emopunk answer to the mid-nineties' pop-grunge sensation Hanson. Only bigger.

Anyway, if one were to get laid off, which should it be? Obviously Elderjonas Kevin is the homeliest. So it could be him. But think carefully on that. If his little pirogi face is eliminated from the group, will the collective hotness of curly-cue cutey Nick and smoldering fop Joe just be too much to bear? Will it disrupt some delicate and important balance?

If you get rid of the arguably homosexualest member, middle brother Joe, then the group loses some of its tight-panted derring-do. He's the glamrock sparkle! The ambiguous, androgynous skinny little question mark. The group needs him, doesn't it? Though if he did get cut, the group could take on a harder, slightly more masculine edge. Which, I dunno, might help.

And if you lose Nick... well then you lose the squealing girls. He's the baby-faced, sugar-hearted (he's diabetic!!), soft-spoken groin kindling. He may not have a whit of singing ability—unless barely-controlled, ball-grasping whining is the fashion of the day (which it might be)—but he's the reason girls flock to the concerts and TV specials and whatnot. But he's also only like 16. So if they set him free to pursue solo projects (many, many "solo projects"), the band could take on a more mature air.

So the question is now laid out before you:

The new cover of Star magazine has giddy speculation that Michelle Obama might be pregnant in the top right corner. They're hoping for a boy! Presumably so the new son of the Dark Prince will reign for a thousand years, bringing Husseinism to the land while throwing your money at lazy people. Yes, Michelle Obama's uterus has joined Angelina and Jen's as a tabloid topic of speculation.

Then TMZ asks us "Did Barack and Michelle ... You Know ... Do It?" And, let's be honest, we all wondered it as we watched them slow dance over and over again, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, but still. Sheesh. Presidents and First Ladies don't "do it." They "boff austerely" or give each other a "dignified rodgering." The phrase "doin' it" should be reserved for guttersnipes like the Jonas Brothers (who First Kids Malia and Sasha met again last night.). For what it's worth—which is nothing—we don't think they did. They looked "exhausted" at the last of their many Inaugural Balls. TMZ readers disagree with us, though. A resounding 73% of them think that the First Couple did, in fact, thoughtfully knock boots.

And if it wasn't already bad enough, we learned this morning that some American author living in England has written a Barack Obama musical. You know who else had a British musical written about them? Jerry Springer. Sad.

Obviously all the buzziness will die down soon enough, once people become inured to a nation presided over not by a snickering, unrelatable elf but a young, coltish sex bomb. I mean, everyone stopped clamoring over JFK's celebrity sex life eventually, didn't they? Oh. Oh right.

Decline and fall of newspapers daily roundup: Scripps isn't saying whether it's gotten any bids on the Rocky Mountain News. That's Rocky Mountain bad news (zing). Sam Zell's Tribune Co. is trying to avoid selling off its assets piecemeal, because they're worth more together, and besides, they would fetch terrible prices right now. This is probably a sound strategy, although Tribune is still, you know, bankrupt. And the Times reports: these are terrible times to be a newspaper editor. Correct.

Only four reporters now cover the LA city government. This trend is applauded by corrupt LA city officials. [LAT]

Disney is rolling out a new TV series starring the Jonas Bros. The network is framing this as: they are the new Beatles. Reuters frames it as: they are the new Monkees. The truth: they are the new Hannah Montana.


The current peanut butter salmonella scare is affecting the most vulnerable among us. We hear that Conde Nast "has removed all peanut butter products from their cafeteria until the salmonella scare gets resolved. Teen Vogue interns otherwise known as publisher's daughters, used to daily PB + J lunches, are not amused." Will Teen Vogue interns ever catch a break in life?

Looking to avoid a future of Rudy Giuliani stump-speeches cluttered with references to "never forgetting the nightmares of 1/1," the NYPD has begun making the appropriate preparations in anticipation of the hormone-tweaking musical phenomenon's New Year's Eve performance in Times Square:

The New York Police Department – which has heroically handled terrorist attacks, blackouts and riots without a whimper – is being cautious over the "mob scene" that could result when the Jonas Brothers perform in Times Square at Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest on Wednesday night.

"So they're now planning on using extra [security] men for support," the source says. "It's going to be crazy because everyone will be in Times Square to watch them perform on the show."

Of course, no amount of training can really prepare the men in blue for the epic anarchy that follows these boys wherever they go. Don't be surprised if Altamont-style mayhem ensues, as one of the Hell's Angels security detail is stabbed repeatedly in the eyes with a barrette by a banshee tween who'd leaped onto their shoulders from the roof of a firetruck for a closer view of the stage.

• NYPD Fears Jonas Brothers 'Mob Scene' on New Year's [People]

However, after his erudite seduction technique was rebuffed by a comely New York Post source unsure of what "ablutions" were, Brand's affections returned to more familiar waters.

British comedian Russell Brand isn't done picking on the Jonas Brothers.

Who does he want to kiss on New Year's?

"I think all of the Jonas Brothers," he told Usmagazine.com at the Los Angeles premiere of Bedtime Stories on Thursday. "But very gently and consensually."

We have a feeling certain JoBros might return those kisses more consensually than others, but we ask that Brand not be deterred. Clever placement of the mistletoe and a subtle spiking of the tour bus egg nog could lead to a session of flat-ironing sexually charged enough to please even ardent fornication-prescriber Courtney Love.

• Russell Brand: I Want the Jonas Brothers to Be My New Year's Kiss! [Us]

Unlike so many other Hollywood stars, parents approve of these upstanding young men, who wear their good intentions right on their heads in the form of Purity Yarmulkes. Catch them next in The Emanuel Brothers: The 3-D Experience, the poster of which features the boys clutching Fendi bags on the steps of Air Force One as they jet off to play a command performance at President Elect Barack Obama's Inauguration. [Thanks to NOTFAIL blog for a Photoshop we really wish we'd thought of ourselves.]

• Previously: Rahm Emanuel Fun-Fact Addendum: Probably Loathes Andy Samberg [Defamer]

The title character in the "Walter the Farting Dog" books is a fat dog with severe flatulence. The brothers play musicians whose parents are asked to care for the dog by an aunt just before she passes away.

"By the time they've driven the dog home, everybody's head is out the window of the family station wagon but Frankie [aka the youngest, "bonus Jonas" brother], and only because he has a serious sinus problem and doesn't notice the stench coming from Walter," said [director] Peter Farrelly.

That the project has even found room for little Frankie Jonas—the Zeppo Marx to his trio of more famous siblings—suggests to us that the filmmakers see in this gaseous terrier story a definitive Jonas brothers franchise, with room for several sequels down the line incorporating other breeds and gastrointestinal problems. Still, we wonder how the band's core fanbase of hormonally charged young females will respond to the scatological material—though we suspect their fanatical preoccupation with anything Jonas-related will soon lead to the new teenybopper fad of toting a farting dog wherever they go, in a pungent effort at emulating their idols.

• Jonas Bros. whiff Fox's 'Farting Dog' [Variety]

Boomp3.com

The baristas (baristi?) at a Toluca Lake coffee shop reached their breaking point with frequent customer Miley Cyrus over the weekend. According to one barista who spoke on the condition of anonymity, Cyrus’ frequent abuse of the homey atmosphere of the store may lead to her permanent eviction. They said, “We don’t mind it when people come in and hang out. We encourage it, but you have to buy a drink first. It’s the unspoken rule. She usually doesn’t order a drink until after an hour or two of just hanging out.” Apparently, Cyrus was in the store on Sunday for over forty-five minutes before placing her order for a caramel mocchachino with skim. It was at that point that Steve, the manager, warned her that she had just gotten her second strike.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.