Independence Day is the worst of America's joyless national celebrations, the day when everyone will predictably act like a buffoon and nobody has the decency to Opt Out. From Park Slope to Silver Lake, from Phoenix to Saint Paul, the whole nation of grudge-laden bores will wrap themselves in the old Red, White and…

Tonight, the 35th annual Macy's Fourth of July fireworks display lit up New York City as 40,000 shells were fired off from half a dozen barges in the Hudson River. NBC aired the show live for those not in Manhattan. But because nobody watches NBC, here's video of the grand finale for your visual pleasure.

Happy Independence Day, America! And what better way to celebrate President Whitmore's famous speech than with fireworks? But please, be safe! We've collected some important fireworks safety tips here. Print out several copies and bring them to your barbecue! It's a great way to make friends.

The America-hating buzzkills at the NYPD confiscated some 5,000 pounds of fireworks this year (everything "from sparklers to professional pyrotechnics"), leaving many New Yorkers without even the chance to injure themselves or set their apartments on fire. But at least the department had the decency to film the…

The Way We Live Now: Dashed upon the rocks of destiny. The dream of leaving the city behind to luxuriate in the fresh mountain air is finished. Sell everything, buy gold, and bail out. The Fourth of July is dead!