1. Suck up to Peyser! Andrea Peyser is here to cast judgment on humanity. And generally, she does not like what she sees. As a hateful, finger-wagging moralist, her usual weapon is outraged hyperbole, especially against celebrities, and especially especially against lady celebrities. But, you know, if you give her an exclusive, and play desperately, shamefully apologetic, you might get a little sympathy! Especially if you compliment Peyser's columns viciously attacking a different terrible woman:

She called me to explain herself. Also, because she liked my columns slamming another discarded wife, Dina Matos McGreevey.

"If I were an acting coach, I'd tell her not to make faces!" she said of Dina. "Don't look mad or petulant. She looks like a 12-year-old."

2. Suck up to the NYPD! The cops? Heroes. Always. They do no wrong! Also, they are fantastic sources, if you're a tabloid. O'Neal is not only not mad at the cops for arresting her, she is grateful at the favor they did her!

"Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me!" Tatum crowed.

"I was saved by the bell, by the guys in the Seventh Precinct."

3. Avoid the Sob Story Everyone's got one, and they rarely get you very far. So be careful when employing this one. Best to put on a cheerful, "there but for the grace of God" tone, say you're getting your life back on track, admit you've made mistakes, and leave it to Peyser to spin your tale of woe in her inimitable style. O'Neal focuses on the positive—her career is picking back up! Her boyfriend is a saint!—while Peyser reminds us of her lifetime of abuse and addiction. (Though O'Neal does point out that she lost her beloved dog, which is the sort of relatable sob story that does work. Poor puppy.)

(And if all else fails, hire Post flack Howard Rubenstein.)

Tatum to Cops: Thanks! [NYP]

"Justice Arthur Cooperman delivered the verdict in a Queens courtroom packed with spectators, including victim Sean Bell's fiancee and parents, as at least 200 people gathered outside the building.

"As word of the verdict spread, many outside the courthouse began crying and yelled 'No!' Some briefly jostled with police officers.The officers, complaining that pretrial publicity had unfairly painted them as cold-blooded killers, opted to have the judge decide the case rather than a jury.

"Officers Michael Oliver, 36, and Gescard Isnora, 29, stood trial for manslaughter while Officer Marc Cooper, 40, was charged only with reckless endangerment. Two other shooters weren't charged. Oliver squeezed off 31 shots; Isnora fired 11 rounds; and Cooper shot four times." [AP via MSNBC]

I guess this is notable because it's a big, international commission stooping down to recognize odd little modern trends that us wee people are enthralled with. But will it be effective? Don't we already know we're fucked up by celebrities (while simultaneously fucking them up) and do nothing about it? What will this rehashing of information prove to do except reinforce an already widely held belief that celebrities should be locked up for long periods of time? I mean, no one (except celebrities, judges, and celebrity judges) argues with that, right? [NYT] Below, a key excerpt from the report.

While highlighting the need to provide alternatives to imprisonment for drug users, including access to treatment, rehabilitation and reintegration programmes, the Board urges Governments to pay adequate attention to high profile cases of drug abuse. Celebrity "endorsement" of drug-related lifestyles is particularly relevant when it comes to the issue of deterring drug use among youth, who are often most vulnerable to the cult of celebrity and its attendant glamour. The fact is that when a celebrity uses drugs, he or she breaks he law, states the report. Young people are quick to pickup on and react to perceived leniency in dealing with such offenders. This raises questions about the fairness of the justice system and could undermine wider social efforts at reducing the demand for drugs. The same is true for higher level drug offenders. The Report notes the wide differences between countries and regions when it comes to tolerance towards drug-related offenses and offenders. Penalties for similar offenses may seem severe in some
places, but lenient in others.

On his "help the cyber identity thief" website, Fouad claims "it was just a joke, a gag." Well, setting Prince Moulay's status to "does not have a complex about being second line" isn't funny.

• Reuters

• Help Fouad

Home, Sweet Hilton Home! [TMZ]
[Image: A.P.]