• Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson is under arrest for grand theft after stealing fancy clothes and baubles from a supermodel ex. NYP reports, "the thief stole jewelry, shoes, 600 pages of a legal document, clothing—even her underwear. The thief also left a bizarre calling card—a used vibrator was found in her bed and a wet towel was on the floor." Casey was apprehended after on-again off-again girlfriend Courtenay Semel texted victim Jasmine Lennard some troubling news: "There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear." Lennard appears to be of sexuality: opportunistic, judging by myriad photos of a scantily clad Lennard clinging to the arms of well-dressed octogenarians (and Simon Cowell?). Point being: I am so ready for Casey Johnson's made-for-TV movie. [NYP]
• 
  
• "Party Girl History of Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress Surfaces." Here's what I learned: (1) Rachel Uchitel is a professional starfucker. She promotes high-end Vegas and NYC clubs including Tao, Marquee, and Stanton Social, and is tasked with scoring celebrity appearances (2) She went on at least one date with Will.i.Am (3) Her mother is a Palm Beach socialite with a condo next door to Rudy Giuliani's. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Speaking of Uchitel, HuffPo has an enlightening slideshow of "Gloria Allred's Women." The famed lawyer to tabloid-bait females (Bill Clinton harassee Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson's fam) has been hired by Uchitel. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Richard Gere may be fined up to $50,000 for chopping down 200 trees in his Westchester estate without acquiring a permit. Deforestation without paper work is a no-no in the Bestchester, and even "very popular" Little League dads are not immune. [P6]
• 
  
• Speaking of Tiger Woods, oddsmakers are having a field day with a sports star scandal. Odds are that he'll buy his wife an expensive ring (+500), admit to having an affair (+275), get a divorce (+250), and/or was drunk at the time (+200). Odd that he stays with his wife are worse. (-150) [TMZ]
• 
  
• Heidi Klum and Seal's baby daughter had her photographic debut in a classy black-and-white pic on her parents' website. Lou Samuel is as photogenic as you'd imagine, and has a shocking amount of hair. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jennifer Aniston is helping promote her yoga trainer's DVD, and there's a Self magazine tie-in, too, because uptight women who wake up at 5AM to do yoga and study techniques for non-bulky ab sculpting in Self are the only fans sad Jen left. [P6]
• 
  
• Shaquille O'Neal's wife moved to L.A. and, days later, filed for divorce, a clever move that is perhaps related to California's even-steven division of assets and alimony laws. Shaq, however, isn't having it, and filed papers to force the legal proceedings back to Florida, where Shaq lives and Shaunie used to. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, and Jimmy and Nancy Fallon, went on a double date for brunch. Too cute. [P6]
• 
  
• The thorn in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's side is back: The woman who claims Hasselbeck plagiarized her book has refiled charges, after her first suit was tossed out earlier this month. The lady says her suit against The View's co-host was tossed out on a technicality, which she has now fixed it. I'm torn on how to react to this news: On the one hand, Hasselbeck is annoying and unoriginal, so the suit feels right. On the other, someone who refiles near-identical lawsuits repeatedly doesn't sound so great, either. I hate it when I don't know who to cheer for. [TMZ]
• 
  

• Farrah Fawcett, rumored again to be on her deathbed, and Ryan O'Neal are finally getting married after all those long, tumultuous years together as a Hollywood couple. And surely this will be filmed and turned into a primetime television special. [Sun]
  
  
• Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, and furniture designer Eric Villency are ending their brief marriage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Horrible lad-mag FHM has named Megan Fox the sexiest woman to ever live in the history of the universe, or something like that. [Sun]
  
  
• It's rumored that Paul Giamatti may replace Sean Penn in the upcoming Three Stooges flick after Penn decided to take an extended period of time off to spend time with his family. [EOnline]
  
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon go to the gym together wearing matching outfits from head to toe. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey has announced that he has knocked up girlfriend Camila Alves with their second child. Further, he did so shirtless while running on the beach with a bandana on his head. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Have you seen how Drew Barrymore and Justin Long dress up to attend baseball games? Good God this is obnoxious! [DListed]
  
  
• Paris Hilton has taken her act to Dubai and has discovered the joys of riding camels. She's there to try on some clothes or attend a nightclub opening or something important like that. [PITNB]
  
  
• When Justin Timberlake flies to Paris, he does so with a large bodyguard carrying an automatic weapon to scare off any potential autograph seekers. [TMZ]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus took a "provocative" picture with her 44 year-old director and posted it to her Twitter. [Sun]

• Megan Fox wants everyone to know that she has definitely dumped David Silver and is so very single and is looking for a dude to bake cookies for and give her butt massages and whatnot. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller claims that she's never been on a "real date," nor has she ever had a one-night stand, which is a shame. Really, she should have a few of those. Everyone should. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle's return to action on the Britain's Got Talent tour was short-lived as her doctor ordered her to get some rest due the extreme "exhaustion" she's been suffering from. She's a delicate little flower. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary over the weekend by...spending it apart! Apparently Kate spent the entire weekend with the kids while Jon's "whereabouts this weekend were unknown." [EOnline]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston thinks that she's a parallel between her actual life and the roles she plays in all of the romantic comedies she stars in. [Mirror]
  
  
• Rihanna seems to be casting some sort of voodoo spell on Chris Brown, who just can't seem to help himself from falling back in love with her when he sees her at basketball games where she's rumored to be watching her new lover on the court. [Daily News]
  
  
• Gwen Stefani says that being a full-time mom and wife doesn't leave much time for the glamor of being a rock star. [Daily News]
  
  
• Justin Long, aka the "Mac Guy," doesn't have an iPhone. Instead he uses some piece of crap Motorola phone according to one of Page Six's tipsters. How horrible! [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna's latest adopted child has been flown to the U.S. and already been outfitted with a nanny and a private nurse. [Mirror]

The photo of Dennis J. Skillicorn ran with an article about Missouri's horrendous methods of carrying out executions and was bordered by an Apple ad featuring Long and Hodgman just sort of standing there like a couple of jerkoffs.

In a column published yesterday, the Times' David Carr said the following about advertising on the paper's website:

"For more than 100 years, Tiffany has occupied the upper-right corner of Page 3 of The New York Times. Until our digital model finds a way to create a similar kind of exalted placement, it will be tough to charge the kind of prices for advertising that reflect the cost of producing quality content."

This is purely a wild guess here, but we're doubting that this is an example of "exalted placement" on the Times' website, right?

Photo via [In Other News]
The Times and the Future [New York Times]
Executions Debated as Missouri Plans One [New York Times]

Drew Barrymore and her on-again, off-again puppy-ish ex-boyfriend Justin Long are set to star in a romantic comedy together, this one about long distance relationships. And if by "long distance" they mean the distance between canyons, like troughs of a wave, and how far away the isolation of fame can make you feel even when you're standing right next to someone, then I'm sure they'll both really bring something to their roles. [Variety] State of Play director Kevin Macdonald will travel a long distance... back in time, to direct The Eagle of the Ninth, a Roman-times story starring Jamie "Billy Elliot" Bell and possibly Channing "Shut Your Mouth and Drop Your Trousers" Tatum. Promisingly, the logline begins as such: "a wounded Roman soldier and his loyal Celtic slave..." Hm. [Variety]

Some British lad has joined the cast of the new Twilight movie, called Staking 2: Hectic Hullabaloo. Jamie Campbell-Bower, from Sweeney Todd, will play one of the Voltrons, an Italian clan of vampyrs. [Variety] Zack Snyder's "Alice in Wonderland with machine guns" Sucker Punch has found its lead. Emily Browning, that little girl from Lemony Snicket, will play an asylum inmate who creates a violent fantasy world in her head. She's joins such acting luminaries as Abbie Cornish and Vanessa Hudgens. [Variety]

Those tangled up in the flailing New York City film industry can step back from the ledge for just a second. New York State legislature has voted to extend the lucrative tax break program that buoyed the local industry for another $350 million worth of tax credits. TV shows looking to film in New York may be deterred by the new conditions of the program, though, as the credits are not open-ended. There are also strict limitations on how much of a break each production can receive. But still. Good news. [Variety]

The still reliably-employed Lucy Lawless has landed a new gig, one that returns her to familiar ground. She'll again be working with Xena: Warrior Princess creators Rob Tapert and Sam Raimi, this time on a series (for Starz, sigh) called Spartacus. She'll play the tough bosslady of a camp of gladiators. This comely fellow will play the title role. [Variety] Speaking of comely fellows, NBC and DirecTV have renewed their laboriously-praised joint venture Friday Night Lights for two more seasons. So more of Riggins and Hoodad and Whatshisnuts, ladies. Go team! [Variety]

The Wackness director Jonathan Levine is directing a movie for Fox Atomic about a babysitter. No, it's not some big-breasted young lady who gets horribly taunted and murdered, it's a boy who has funny things happen to him! The Sitter, which "will harken back to Adventures In Babysitting", is about a college student suspended for a semester who returns home to live with his moms. Then he has to babysit. Hilarity ensues. [THR]

MTV has ordered four more seasons of its crazy old coot of a series The Real World. This will bring the total for the 17-year-old reality thing to a haunting 26 cycles. The producers are currently filming a Cancun-set season, so where will these four new installments take place? Atlanta? Dallas/Houston? St. Louis? Orlando? Adamsville, RI? Emblem, WO? What do you think? Oh, also... four more seasons of Road Rules, too. So. [THR]

• There are two sides to every story. The witness's and the publicist's. After a Stalker whispered to us that Padma Lakshmi, Top Chef hostess and former Shalmiar to Salman Rushdie's Clown, had raged at a (fellow!) hostess at Schiller's Liquor Bar on Thursday night, her publicist told Page Six that it is untrue. "She had called in advance, and they were expecting her, and everyone was lovely. She loves Schiller's and their staff. It's totally untrue." [P6]
• Estranged mother and daughter dynamic duo Candy and Tori Spelling are in a race to publish books that few people will read! Candy keeps pushing up her Stories from Candyland release date to compete with Tori's new book, VicTori Over Japan or some punny nonsense. We understand why Tors is doing this, she's broke now that her B&B went bust, but Candy has like four hundred trillion dollars, plus the still-beating heart of Jennie Garth in a small wooden box, given to her by a hunter. Why does she need book monies? To fuck over her daughter, that's why! [P6]
• Matt Damon's wife, a Miami barmaid named Luciana who was heroically rescued from sticky night booze-swilling obscurity by the dashing Jason Bourne, received a T-shirt with the phrase "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" emblazoned across it, along with a note that said "You're actually the only person who can wear this." She doesn't know who sent it. But whatever. Bragger. [P6]
• Are Drew Barrymore and her erstwhile flop-topped boyfriend Justin Long back together? Might be! They were caught rubbing their faces together on Thursday last, says a source named Brew Darrymore. [P6]
• As feared, Olivia Palermo cannot be destroyed by fire. [P6]
• Oh dear. Battered music star Rihanna might be starring in a "young and sexy" remake of the 1992 smash hit The Bodyguard. That animate pile of muscle and sinew that talks, Channing Tatum, is slated to costar. [NYDN]
• Jessica Simpson continues to do the whole dumb-blonde routine, even though people long ago gave up the idea that it was a joke, and are now concerned that perhaps she's unwittingly wearing lead Daisy Dukes. Whatever the answer, she's still messing up songs at concerts that people presumably paid a lot to see. So. [Us]
• Levi Johnston, the strapping young moose hunter who saw Russia, saw France, and saw himself inside Bristol Palin's underpants, explains that the couple broke up partly because he wasn't "mature" enough. The 19-year-old, clearly burdened by the sad separation but dedicated to his search for clarity and adulthood, proceeded to crush a beer can on his head, finished pipelining that chick who works at the Pipeline Club, hopped aboard his Ken's First Snowmobile Snow Machine, and headed off toward Anchorage, whooping loudly. He'll come back any day now, just you wait and see dear. [Us]
• Oh lord. Perpetually lonely and miserable actress Jennifer Aniston is now claiming that she wasn't, in fact, dumped by John Mayer. As she ran down the street, in a tattered wedding gown, carrying a small boombox playing "Here Comes the Bride" on a cassette over and over again, she told passersby that it was her decision to end the year-long relationship. "It was! It was meee!!" she shrieked into the night. The next morning, she was escorted off the Johnson family's lawn in Thousand Oaks. As a policeman put her into the car, she looked up with big, watery eyes, and said "It was a lovely ceremony, wasn't it?" He nodded kindly, shut the door, and off they drove into the sun-dappled brand new day. [Showbiz Spy]

Gossip column Page Six spotted Tequila "hooking up" with Justin Long, best known for his role as a Mac in Apple commercials, at a Vegas nightclub on Halloween. Will the Mac preference stick? Who knows, but according the a New York Post spy, Long reportedly "asked her [Tequila] to straddle him while making out." What would John Hodgman have to say about this? (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Cirque du Soleil)

• Recovering sex addict David Duchovny has apparently been convinced those weren't secret sexytime text messages from serial divorcé Billy Bob Thornton on wife Téa Leoni's cell phone. [P6]
• Oprah Winfrey said on a conference call with Barack Obama and prominent African Americans that they should get out the vote to make the country "truly one nation indivisible." If Obama wins, she totally gets the credit. [Politico]
• Soon-to-be-divorced Sumner Redstone spent more time with the ex-girlfriend he "unexpectedly" ran into across a dinner table this past summer. [P6]
• Paris Hilton wore a giant ring on her wedding-ring finger and said it was a gift from a friend, not a transparent effort to get Benji Madden to propose. [Insider]
• Having moved on from Drew Barrymore to Kirsten Dunst, Justin Long hit on Tila Tequila, asking her to straddle him, in Las Vegas. Cue the "I'm a mack" jokes in three, two... [P6]

The end result features folks making mundane, sarcastic or downright bizarre pronouncements, from "I'm a PC and I like the slimming effect of a purple striped shirt" to "I'm a PC and by that I don't mean politically correct."...

So are the people uploading pictures and videos actually real PC users, or are they merely looking for 15 seconds of fame? For its part, Microsoft doesn't really care.

You know what Microsoft's problem is here? They tried to make an entire ad campaign that's essentially a response to all the needling they've taken from Apple and god damn Justin Long over the years. But Apple went ahead and continued to needle Microsoft about its ad campaign, placing the onus on Microsoft to actually win the argument through some grand gesture. Instead, they believe they can win simply by placing every PC owner in the world in a television ad, one by one. Which doesn't work when none of them are attractive. [Ad Age]

Boomp3.com

Sporting her finest cut-offs, Spider Man trilogy star Kirsten Dunst stopped off at a Early Voting facility. After she walked out of the voting booth, Dunst did her best Palin Dance to celebrate her decision to rock the vote. Dunst quickly added, “I may be doing the Dance, but it doesn’t mean that I voted for her. Although, I would love to see Tina Fey have all that work.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

This week's installment also includes: Clint Eastwood, Jerry Seinfeld, Ryan Phillippe, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long, Farrah Fawcett, James Woods, Dane Cook, John C. Reilly, Lauren Conrad, Ellen Pompeo, P. Diddy (twice in the same night!), Jared Leto, Kevin Federline, Sandra Oh, Seth Green, Balthazar Getty, Pete Wentz, Briam Baumgartner, Zachary Levi, Ciara, Adam "Seymour Butts" Glasser and more.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21
· Sitting in a booth at the recently re-opened Fab's on Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks at 8pm, Mr. "Hey, Spike Lee, Shut Your Pie-Hole" himself, CLINT EASTWOOD, speaking in hushed tones while dining with Sinatra's favorite opening comic, Tom Dreesen. I couldn't hear if Clint said to the waiter, "Go ahead, make my Chicken Marsala." Even at 93 [Ed. Note: He's actually only 78], Clint looks like he could kick some serious butt.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
· It was celeb night on Friday 8/22 at the AMC theater at the Century City Mall. Spotted PETE WENTZ standing outside with friends. His hair is flat ironed to oblivion and he is short, almost alarmingly so. Kept his hoodie on the whole time. Jessica's pregnant sister was nowhere in sight.

Then, a few minutes later, ELLEN POMPEO (that's Meredith Grey to you) walked by hand-in-hand with her hubby. Super skinny and wearing gross, skin tight white jeans, white shirt with trashy sky high black heels. They were in a rush which made her look like she walks funny because she clearly couldn't handle those heels. We decided she was dressed like a Staten Island prostitute.

We decided to hold out a few more minutes on the hope we would spot an elusive A-lister. And before we knew it, PUFF DADDY walked by sans entourage! He is indeed puffy. Mr. Mogul needs to get back to running marathons for charity. He was wearing sunglasses. At 10:30pm. And he was texting while walking briskly. Who says men can't multi-task?

· Equinox West Hollywood. PUFF DADDY (again!) makes his entourage wait in the juice bar while he grabs a steam.

· JUSTIN LONG and KIRSTEN DUNST were spotted Friday night at the Dragonfly, checking out the show Point Break LIVE! She sat behind him w/ her girlfriends, but Justin kept turning around to talk to her & see her reaction to the craziness onstage.

·Bristol Farms, West Hollywood, 5:30PM (ish). Looking determined to get out and towing a tow-headed child: RYAN PHILLIPPE. Taller than I would have expected, and beefier (but by no means tall). I don't know if he's moved to the neighborhood but the shopping cart was brimming. In case he is, a word of advice: I know it's technically West Hollywood, but the look you should be going for should be more "Daddy out shopping for groceries with my kids on Beverly" and less "Out shopping for a Daddy to buy my groceries on Santa Monica".

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23
· He's not a household name, but with 33 film and 40 television credits, let's just say I was surprised to see SEAN WHALEN selling blenders at the Burbank Costco on Saturday, miked up, dressed in a white lab coat and white paper hat. He usually plays nerds, but now he's extolling the virtues of raw food smoothies. Ouch.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24
· Sunday night at the Radiohead show. Saw SANDRA OH with several dudes scrambling to get to their seats. She looked flustered, yet excited. Also saw SETH GREEN in line between songs waiting for beers. He was sporting a trucker hat and has a big, shaggy red beard. He looks like he belongs under a bridge waiting for three billy goats gruff.

Lastly, also saw BALTHAZAR GETTY near the beer line between songs, wearing douchey skinny jeans and chomping on cigarettes. Dude looked like he was having way too much fun, like he'd just ditched his wife and kids for a hot chick who likes to bang while only wearing a sailor's hat. Oh, wait...

· As I approached the cool 'n' groovy Santa Monica/Fairfax Whole Foods, I saw two paps outside aiming their lenses into the store. Store security blocked their view. I heard someone say, "She's the one in orange," and then noticed LAUREN CONRAD in a cute orange summer dress, casual hair, grinding her own peanut butter near the bulk grains. No, she did not have an assistant to pour in the peanuts and press the button for her. When I left she was checking out, the paps were lining up, and the Whole Foods security guys, looking vaguely energized, were preparing to escort Ms. Conrad to her vehicle.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25
· Monday night, Radiohead at the Bowl. After briefly encountering JARED LETO (dressed a bit like Shia in Indiana Jones) on the concourse leading a small scuzzy posse around and claiming that he had extra seats, I was surprised to see him all alone in the pool circle up front where I was seated (second row, yo!). Jared apparently ditched his "boys" and tried a bum rush to get up front as the lights went down. Multiple security guards stopped him and he immediately went into "Don't you know who I am?" mode. At first it was high-larious, but then it became a bit pathetic. And then it became a lot pathetic. He just would not give up. It didn't matter. They hauled him away just before the band came out and killed it.

I'd like to believe that Radiohead hates Jared's stupid fucking band and the noise pollution he calls music as much as I and everyone else at the show does, and that they ordered security to remove him from their immediate vicinity, but more than likely Thom Yorke has never heard of 30 (Minutes? Miles? I refuse to google.) to Mars. To Thom, it was probably just another dumb asshole without a ticket getting the boot from the front. Which is exactly what it was.

·Saw JAMES WOODS on 8/25 on Burton Way near Raffles L'Ermitage Beverly Hills. He was on the phone and completely plugged into it. Looks pretty good for a man his age. No sign of his 20 year old girl anywhere.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26
· Comedy Antichrist DANE COOK was at Crunch. His name was on the marquee at the Laugh Factory across the street, so I'm guessing it was some sort of pre- or post-show routine. If you imagined that he'd work out in a backwards baseball cap and muscle shirt, thereby confirming your image of him as a superannuated, doughy-faced, overgrown frat boy - you'd be correct.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27
· Two fun (separate) sightings. Saw Kevin (BRAIN BAUMGARTNER) from Scrantonicity (and, yes, The Office); and, Chuck (ZACHARY LEVI), from, well, Chuck at the Studio City Starbucks. Both taking meetings around the corner at the NBC/Universal building? Kevin wearing shorts, Chuck driving a gas-guzzling Chevy Tahoe. Bad choices, boys.

· Eyed R&B sensation/masturbation fantasy CIARA placing a to-go order at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and Crescent Heights around 4:40pm. Body was insane.

· I was walking back to my office from Rick's Tavern yesterday around 8:35pm going South on Main St when, lo and behold, JERRY SEINFELD was walking the opposite direction. He was with a group of like 3 or 4 friends and looking casual but good. Hoodie and glasses and admiring the motor bikes parked on the street.

· Saw Seymore Butts (born ADAM GLASSER) in the Miracle Mile Marie Callender's today. No cameras, no nudity, no sex acts being performed. But seriously, I saw Seymore Butts!!!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29
· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake around 3:30pm is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me" Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough hard drinking, hard partying, heavy tanning life. Use sunscreen, kids. Use Sunscreen.

· Not sure if KEVIN FEDERLINE is a real "sighting" but we saw Father of The Year at Malibu Seafood on Friday. Did not look overly douche-y. Was with a few guys, both whom I recognized but neither that I could place.

· We saw JOHN C. REILLY out in Dublin's (as in, Ireland) posh south side last Friday. We couldn't remember his name right off. We called him "Not-Will-Ferrell". He didn't seem to mind.

[Photo Credit: X17]

Boomp3.com

A medical professional must have been on hand at the Chateau Marmont to keep popular silver screen star Kirsten Dunst from busting a gut. The Spider Man star was laughing uncontrollably at the antics of Mac pitchman and ex-flame of Drew Barrymore, Justin Long. Dunst was thoroughly impressed by Long's comedic culinary consumption antics, even going as far as to say that Long is way funnier than "that Charlie Chaplin dude." Long reveled in the attention, even going as far as to moonwalk a piece of chicken into his mouth.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Fresh off a breakup with Drew Barrymore, Justin Long made out with Kirsten Dunst. He likes them (barely) sober! [R&M]
• Paris Hilton congratulated Britney Spears on not being fat and crazy anymore. Yes, Paris, undermine her some more. Maybe suggest another genius move like that vag flash. [OK!]
• Now Victoria's Secret models think they can auction their baby pictures to celebrity magazines? Please let them be so very wrong. [P6]
• John McCain's people found a new way to arrange words to make it sound like Barack Obama approved the stupid video Madonna made comparing McCain to Hitler. It goes like this: "It's not surprising that Barack Obama and his fellow celebrities stick together." Us Weekly fact-checks this spin with... a link to "See photos of Barack Obama's biggest celebrity fans." Sigh. [Us]
• Members of the cast of Real Housewives Of NYC attended a wedding together and supposedly behaved in the various terrible ways one might expect. Someone knocked over some drums and someone else was trying to make out with everyone. Or at least that's what someone wants us all talking about. [P6]
• Andy Dick's about to have one of his epic "I just dodged a felony" parties. [Us]

Though it's been pushed ahead to a 2010 release date, Disney is already building buzz for Prince of Persia: The Dreamy Eyes of Time, hiring CalArts Sensual Belly Dance majors to mingle and jingle with the crowds.

Yes—that is Emmy-nominated Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron enjoying the warm weather and local color.

Spot the Scout Willis! Call 1-800-DEMI KIDS for hints. ($2.95 per minute.)

• Sunset Junction 2008: street scene [Metromix LA]

Boomp3.com

Mac Guy Justin Long took a moment out of his undoubtedly busy schedule to chat up with a couple of Mac fanatics over the weekend. The friendly females gushed over Long's performance in Waiting before launching in a diatribe against the iPhone 3G and all of its problems. Long told the ladies that he had no control over that and admitted that he was having problems as well. Looking to change the topic, Long ran his fingers through his hair, which accidentally created a trigger effect with his female fans. Thinking he may have stumbled onto a Pied Pieper like ability, Long then ran his fingers through his mane one more time to see if the women would once again follow suit. He was crushed to learn that it was a one-time only occurence.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Jennifer Aniston spends $20,000 per month on beauty treatments, supposedly, including twice-a-month, $1,000-a-pop spa treatments for cellulite. All to impress John Mayer, who kissed Perez Hilton? [Enquirer]
• Actress Tatum O'Neal is paying a fine and attending two half-day drug-treatment sessions as punishment for her crack buy. Her dealer? Deported! No wonder he was saying he felt abandoned. [Post]
• Director Mike Nichols had a coronay bypass operation over the weekend and is recuperating. [P6]
• After deciding Sarah Jessica Parker was the "unsexiest woman alive," Maxim magazine is now calling her its "Unexpected Crush." Maxim is a 12 year-old boy. [Post]
• Before throwing herself at actress Drew Barrymore's ex, Justin Long, actress Kirsten Dunst followed actor Emile Hirsch to a club, by herself. [P6]
• Teen star Miley Cyrus gave a "rude hand gesture" to some paparazzi while riding a rollercoaster. But it somehow involved two fingers. One gesture, two fingers — how rude could it have been? [Showbiz Spy]
• The girlfriend of the brother of Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend Sam Ronson is "confirming" they are together. This would be what is meant by "inching out of the closet," right?? [Sun]

Instead of Corey Feldman, try Corey Haim: At the time of Drew’s fling with Feldman, picking between the two Coreys was a matter of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, Catch A Cokehead By The Toe. Judging by their subsequent trajectories, Drew may have made the wiser choice. But it’s the other Corey, sent to the bottom of his pill bag by Defamer commenters, who currently needs all the help Drew’s strawberry-scented guffaws can bring.

Instead of Luke Wilson, try Owen Wilson: Maybe back in the late 90s Luke seemed like the more intriguing Wilson. His nose wasn’t quite as broken as his brother’s, Owen hadn’t bewitched us all with his Hans in Zoolander, and Luke had yet to permanently banish himself from crush lists by actually sharing screen time with Jessica Simpson. But if Drew goes back to the Wilson well, Owen is clearly the front-runner these days.

Instead of Tom Green, try Dane Cook: Because the barren landscape of horrendously unfunny comedians has a new mascot, and Drew’s fondness of sticking her tongue down her boyfriend’s throat might be the only way to shut this one up.

Instead of Justin Long, try PC Guy: Because John Hodgman is a treasure and deserves some action. Bonus points for Drew if she agrees to film a cameo in the next Apple commercial, makes Justin cry, short-circuit whatever totally awesome new Mac he’s holding, and permanently erase that smirk from his face.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, Getty]

• STAR EXCLUSIVE! DREW BARRYMORE AND JUSTIN LONG: IT'S OVER! [Star]