Winning Mega Millions tickets were purchased in Kansas, Illinois, and Maryland — if you live in one of those states, get excited. Then glance at the winning numbers and realize you were nowhere near that $540 million prize.

It's Rick Santorum's turn to win a caucus, and he is close to doing that in Kansas. Granted, this process of selecting a Republican presidential candidate is not a turn-based system, but in this case, Santorum does owe his competitors a debt of gratitude for giving him a big leg-up.

You're like, "wait, I thought he "suspended" his campaign yesterday so he could focus on making a new website." That's all true, but just because he quit doesn't mean his supporters suspended their adoration of Herman Cain.

Kansas high school student Emma Sullivan, the teen who tweeted that Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback, a known dork, #blowsalot and proceeded to get in trouble with his social media monitors, will not be writing any apology letters to the governor. Instead, he's written one to her! This is a power play for the ages.

High-school student Emma Sullivan has decided not to follow her principal's orders and write an apology to the Republican governor of Kansas, Samuel Dale Thinskin Crybaby Brownback, for tweeting that he #blowsalot. She was only speaking the truth. Apologizing would be phony and politician-y.

Sam Brownback, the Republican Governor of Kansas, is an enormous wussy mama's boy tattletale. How do we know? Because a member of his staff literally went to the principal when a high-school student Tweeted that he "sucked."

The city of Topeka, Kansas, which is broke because it exists in America, maybe won't prosecute domestic battery anymore because those cases are too expensive. City officials want the county district attorney to handle them now. But the DA just said last month that he's not going to prosecute any misdemeanors committed…

Before their concert in Kansas City (the Missouri one), the Foo Fighters treated a bunch of Westboro Baptist Church picketers to a free concert that was actually a counter-protest against the church and its hatred of everything and everyone, especially The Gays. For the occasion, the Foos dressed up in the outfits…

I don't want this to be the summer of sex scandals like Anthony Weiner and DSK. No, I want this to be the summer of the strange squalor of abandoned amusement parks. Here's footage from a doozy in Wichita, Kansas.

Usually when God decides to randomly say "Heyyyy" to us mortal beings, he chooses some sort of food as his venue—a tortilla, or a powdered-cheese puff-pellet, or a pierogi. But in nudging Kansas woman Audreanna Phelps, God went super-personal, showing up on her actual person.

"Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore" is a film line so iconic that it's been repeated, referenced and tweaked many times. How many and in which films or TV shows? Now there's an answer.

Megachurches aren't generally known for their openness toward sexuality (just ask Ted Haggard!). But a Kansas church now runs a support group that helps perverted women beat their porn addiction: "God created sex. But the enemy has twisted it."

Anti-abortion activist Scott Roeder, who killed Dr. George Tiller in Kansas, will likely die in prison: He was given a life sentence and will be eligible for parole in 50 years. Good! Also, commenters? Prison rape jokes are boring. [NYT]

Greensburg, Kansas is building a $3 million museum to accompany its "Big Well," a 32-by-109-foot hole in the ground. But that's not all: "There's a composting toilet on display in an empty field, and a solar-powered shower as well." [WSJ]

If there's one good thing about town halls, it's that we get a glimpse of our fellow Americans' true colors. But is that really what happened when Rep. Lynn Jenkins insisted Republicans can find a "great white hope"?

Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius will fix the health care, in our country, just like she almost fixed it in Kansas! Until she ran into political opposition!

Tornadoes devastated Kansas for the second day in a row yesterday. Here is some video of the event. Now be grateful you live somewhere nice and sunny with access to a beach. That is, if you do live in a such place. I do. But I'm locked in my apartment!

Sacha "Borat" Baron "Ali G" Cohen is working on his upcoming flick about his character "Bruno," the supergay Austrian fashion reporter. Since everyone on both coasts (except for Ben Affleck) is obviously too familiar with his work to be punked, Bruno has traveled to the heart of flyover land, Wichita, Kansas. Where he…