W Magazine's Familiar Cover Pose

Kate Hudson Cycles Through Lance Armstrong

• Kate Hudson totally finished her first Tour De Lance! Congratulations! [P6]
• Donna Karan is going to Africa with Calvin Klein and two Vanity Fair editors to try and find inspiration for her new collection, "Urban Zen." Because when you think of Zen, you think of the continent of Africa! [Observer]
• Despite rumors that Matthew Broderick cheated on Sarah Jessica Parker with a 25-year-old youth counselor, everything is totally fine in their relationship. You can tell by how hapy they look in the attached photo. [OK!]
• In jail for soliciting a 14-year-old prostitute, billionaire scuzz Jeff Epstein "has a cell to himself and spends his days at the library e-mailing various models he befriended in New York." I'll bet he does. [P6]
• So, wow, it turns out Amy Winehouse didn't go to the hospital due to legal addiction-busting drugs after all! Go figure. It turns out ecstasy was somehow involved. Also there was a four-hour drinking game and 11 prescription pills. Now her father is trying to figure out which devious soul slipped drugs into her drink. Um, gosh, no idea.
• Ben Silverman, onetime NBC golden boy and close friend to Rupert Murdoch's daughter, may be done for at the network if his fall shows do as poorly as his summer shows. [P6]
• OMG Lauren Conrad cried at home recently once. This means the Hills star is an "out of control... emotional train wreck" who is "wallowing in the misery that she feels her life has become." Someone stop her before she cries again! [Star]
• Though probably drunk, Shia LaBeouf may also have been the victim of a red-light-runner and thus not at fault in his big accident. [People]
• Britney Spears spent $22,000 per month to go from 144 pounds to whatever pretty hot weight she's at now. [Mail]
• The doorman who won $5 million in the lottery has been fired. [Post]

Paris Hilton Sober As A Pregnant Woman

• According to this one "firsthand, regular and up-close" source, Paris Hilton stopped drinking, because maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe she's just trying to get attention because she's jealous of Nicole Richie and her baby. [E!]
• Reggie Jackson, haggling with an artist over price: "Are you Jewish?" [Post]
• Lindsay Lohan clothing line includes "Mr. President" kneepads! [Rod Townsend]
• After getting taunted with Madonna's picture by opposing fans at a game and slammed in the press even for his charity work, Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez re-hired agent Scott Boras, the longtime rep Rodriguez dumped for Madonna's manager when a Yankees contract negotiation hit problems.
• In some movie, Kate Hudson will play a Vogue journalist who "gets a sexy dance" with Daniel Day Lewis. [P6]
• Naomi Campbell complained the press doesn't cover the wonderfully nice things she does when not bludgeoning assistants with cell phones or getting arrested for assaulting airport police. The Insider obliged with a picture of her visiting a children's hospital in Nigeria.
• Ethan Hawke, 37, confirmed a secret marriage to his 28-year-old former nanny. She was hired by his prior wife, Uma Thurman. [Mail]
• "Jay-Z Demands Watermelon Carved in Shape of Beyonce's Breasts" sounds entirely plausible and not at all fabricated. [Showbiz Spy]

The Bitch Is Back

Lance Armstrong's Awesome Sex Life is Messing Up His Hero Status

Smothered Clooney Finally Free

• Yes, George Clooney is single again. Ex-girlfriend Sarah Larson was "sweet" but "they had little in common." More revealing: she moved so much crap into his house during their brief relationship that he has to move out while she hauls it all away. [In Touch]
• Kate Hudson is making Owen Wilson depressed again, this time by running around with Lance Armstrong. Wilson's drinking. [OK!]
• Naomi Campbell was charged in connection with her Heathrow meltdown, in which she went after two airport cops: Three counts of assulting a constable, one count of disorderly conduct and two counts of threatening or abusing cabin crew. The supermodel faces up to six months as the vicious ruler of whatever jail they put her in. [BBC]
• Supposedly rehabbed Kirsten Dunst is looking "wobbly" at a bar. Sigh. [Rush & Molloy]
• Drunk-driving starlet Mischa Barton is running away from everyone, dropping out of press events in Cannes and London. [P6]
• Apparently Harrison Ford never married Calista Flockhart. It's so easy to lose track. [Hollyscoop]
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are officially reproducing. The musicians said they wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester to announce. And, you know, until after the wedding two weeks ago. [People]

Sean Penn's Model Friend Getting A Bit Stalky

• Sean Penn is not cool with former close personal friend (and supermodel) Petra Nemcova talking to his wife, with whom the movie star is now reconciled. "It wasn't long before we saw Penn march over, take Robin by the elbow and lead her away, saying, 'Come and meet my friend.'" [Rush & Molloy]
• Actor John Stamos' black eye is from "a kick-boxing accident," which is totally the line I'm using if I ever get punched while drunk and end up "flailing" my arms. [P6]
• Kate Hudson, who had been spotted with Owen Wilson, is now hanging out with cyclist Lance Armstrong, who used to date Ashley Olsen. [People]
• Ashley Olsen's boyfriend, actor Justin Batha, used to date Lydia Hearst and is "a little psycho-y." Lance Armstrong is looking a little crazy by association here. [P6]
• Is one wedding enough for pop diva Mariah Carey? What do you think? [Showbiz Spy]
• Actress Gina Gershon was fired by her assistant, who then had a little party to celebrate. He's still got Natalie Portman and Brook Shields as clients, which means he's one of those assistants who, in turn, has his own assistants. [P6]
• Meadow Soprano is on the market, and everyone is hitting on her, including, supposedly, Chace Crawford. [P6]
• Britney Spears' vacation with Mel Gibson in Costa Rica is over. [OK!]
• Here is a video of a younger Angelina Jolie talkinging about how bondage and the drugs she has done in the past. [Sun]
• Scarlett Johansson doesn't want to hang out with Woody Allen at Cannes. Understandable. [Perez]

BREAKING: Jennifer Aniston Submerges Self In Water, Possesses Nipples

• Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend John Mayer got into a hotel pool in Miami, and there were pictures, and everyone found this very exciting for some reason. The Sun went above and beyond, as usual, with shots of the two parts of the actress' body any experienced reader of the British tabloid would expect it to focus on. (Photo from X17)
• Richard Simmons signed DVDs in aisle six of a Chicago Walgreens, and TMZ managed to find something unfunny to write about it: "One woman even passed out because she was so excited to see him! Well, she actually passed out because of complications from her being a diabetic. Close enough!" [TMZ]
• Here are pictures of Jenna Bush in her Oscar de la Renta wedding dress. Also, sober. [GaySocialites]
• Weird club scene: A newly single Al Reynolds was hitting on women and "drinking all night with his pinky in the air." Sean Combs, in the same establishment, was sitting in the corner reading a book. [P6]
• Meanwhile, in a West Hollywood club, Lindsay Lohan was crying, probably about having to return that fur coat. [P6]
• One-legged Heather Mills promised to buy two artificial legs for a Russian mother and then never paid up, said British friends of the Russian. There are so many puns I could make right now, if I worked at TMZ. [News Of The World]
• People saw Kate Hudson wearing an engagement ring and got very excited, thinking the actress was about to marry fellow crazy Owen Wilson. But it turns out she's just shooting a movie about brides. It's not like you can slip in and out of wardrobe at will. [Us]
• Madonna said the f-word twice at a concert in England and almost exposed her boobs, and people complained, as though that's not what you pay Madonna to do. [Sun]

Tom Cruise To Again Terrify Oprah, New York

• Tom Cruise will appear on Oprah Winfrey's show who for the first time since his couch-jumping insanity the last time he was on the daytime talk program. The twitchy Scientologist will be on the show twice, once May 2nd from home and then May 5th in Oprah's usual studio. The visit coincides with the 25th anniversary of his movie Risky Business. [AP]
• After going on Oprah, Cruise will smother Katie Holmes by following her to New York for six months. Or they were never going to get separated in the first place and the tabloids are looking for a storyline that prevents Cruise's presence from proving them wrong. Either way. [OK!]
• Birthday party for Cruise and Holmes' two-year-old: $100,000. Flowers alone cost $17,000. Plus the stress tests and thetan cleansing were probably also in the five-figure range. [LA Rag Mag]
• Donald Trump "was big on the idea" of having OJ Simpson on his Celebrity Apprentice show "for a few minutes" until NBC executives nixed the idea. That's kind of the opposite of what happened to Norm MacDonald, if I recall correctly. [P6]
• Police incorrectly answered a question from Uma Thurman's stalker about whether he was allowed to have a lawyer present, so now they have to throw out his confession. Wait, you can "confess" to stalking? Well, why not. [P6]
• The solution to Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's many emotional problems? A child, of course. Owen's idea. [Star]
• Cynthia Nixon is getting married to her partner. [JJ's Dirt]
• Someone invited Jerry Springer to give the commencement address at Northwestern's law school, so of course the students are up in arms. But is the best response they can come up with really just to shout "You suck?" [P6]
• Laugh all you want at Amy Winehouse, she's worth $20 million, according to the Sunday Times. [Showbiz Spy]

Awful Animal Hoarder Gets Pet Show

• Paris Hilton is making a show on how to groom, then leave for dead in a closet, your pets. [Showbiz Spy]
• Naomi Campbell is really sorry for the hitting, kicking, and spitting, officer. And she's sorry in advance for next time, kthxbai.
• An unknown male character (or not) is going to come out of the closet on Gossip Girl. [LA Rag Mag]
• Lindsay Lohan in off-the-wagon-drinking-again SHOCKER. [Perez]
• Kate Hudson cuddled with Owen Wilson on her birthday. [Oh No They Didn't]

Where the Hudson Meets the Charles

Dick Clicks Pix for Slick Chick Flick That Depicts Fickle Prick Conflicts; Predicts Hix in Sticks Will Be Transfixed

Winona Ryder Thought Shoplifting Season Already Underway

• It's been so long since actress Winona Ryder stole anything that she's not up on the latest anti-theft technology. A drug store employee said she tried to steal makeup, via her purse, and was caught by the stupid door alarm thing and made to give it back. Wait, people actually stop for those alarms? I am always just waved through. But then my photo isn't taped up in every retail establishment in Los Angeles. [Daily Mail]
• Comedian Pauly Shore: "White people are screwed. Especially in my industry, they’re screwed." [P6]
• Hillary Clinton endorsed Heather Mills, Beatles Paul McCartney's ex wife, on Mills' website. The video is six years old, and the Brits wonder if perhaps Hillary has not come to hate Mills as much as they have in the meantime. [Daily Mail]
• On South Park, singer Britney Spears' cartoon doppelganger will blast her head off with a shotgun and then be photographed to death. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Britney Spears' ex Adnan Ghalib was cheating on her for two months with a waitress/model 15 years his junior. Now the waitress says she had no idea about him and Spears and would never steal anyone's boyfriend. It's not like it would get her interviews and tons of free publicity or anything. [Showbiz Spy]
• Actress Tori Spelling is going to have a baby girl to go with her son and pink-scarfed little dog. [People]
• OMG Madonna didn't wear her wedding ring last week. Her marriage is clearly doomed. [Mail]
• The whole thing with movie stars Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson getting back together is definitely happening. [P6]

Terror At Kate's Place! The Amazing True Story of the Film Student Snipers

Kate Hudson Back On Butterscotch Stallion

• Kate Hudson is, once again, riding the Butterscotch Stallion. She and fellow actor Owen Wilson had a weird double-date in Miami with Jennifer Aniston and Eric Dane the night after Hudson spent time with Wilson at a 10-bedroom mansion, having been spotted on the way in by crafty paparazzi. Their friends are totally against it.
• Actress Bai Ling said her arrest for shoplifting $16 in batteries and celebrity magazines was a big misunderstanding. Which actually makes sense, given the state of martial law under which most airports seem to operate, and given that no celebrity magazine (Star included) is remotely worth trying to shoplift. [P6]
• To make "those panties slide right off," rapper-turned-chef Coolio recommends "Sautéed Shrimp and Soul Rolls, baby." [Serious Eats]
• Late night host David Letterman jogs with two iPods and headphones with a proper headband, none of this "earbud" business. [P6]
• Professional rich girl Nicole Richie hates looking "slutty," so she wants her mama boobs to go away. [Showbiz Spy]
• Bizarre: Parker Posey and Keanu Reeves said to be an item. Maybe he was just sitting so close to her because he's weird and dense? Though she is weird and smart and you know what they say about opposite weirds: whichever one is freakiest kills and devours the other. [OK!]
• Rosie O'Donnell is launching a redesign of her website April 1. y do you have 2 change? [Ask Ro]
• Singer Britney Spears cannot stop dancing. Excellent activity, among the range of possible choices, to do compulsively. Bravo! [Faded Youth]
• Salma Hayek, the actress, really wanted a boy but is making do with her daughter. [P6]
• Chinese restaurant Philippe has potentially awesome hidden-camera videos of celebrity guests. [P6]