The Players:

Derek Jeter, New York Yankee, Sportsman of the Year.

Minka Kelly, actress who played Lyla Garrity in Friday Night Lights and was in for five seconds the movie with Joseph Gordon-Leavitt about hipsters in love with Zooey Deschanel, 500 Days of Summer. Also: Girlfriend of Derek Jeter, Sportsman of the Year.

Scene:

A Starbucks in Tampa, Florida, one of several locations in the city where the Yankees off-season operations are.

Background:

Jeter and Kelly maybe hate Kate Hudson. Jeter is maybe not sexually satisfied by Kelly, who used to date John Mayer. But he did have her at each World Series game, and he did take her on a tour of St. Jetersburgh.

The Tip:

I work at a Starbucks in the Tampa Bay area. Because of our location, we get a lot of baseball players coming in...as well as other athletes in general. I've seen and heard probably everything imaginable. I just wanted to share some observations I've made.

Derek used to be one of the nicest people to step foot in the door. He was always smiling, happy, friendly. If you messed up his order, he wouldn't bitch you out like other people would and he was a very generous tipper.

It had been awhile since I had seen him but when he was in town last week, he came in. No smile, he wasn't friendly, he didn't tip and he seemed like a different person. At first I chalked it up to a bad day. Then he came in again a few days later. Same thing. The day after that, the same thing.

The last time he came in wasn't alone. He walked in the door, plopped down at the first open table and started texting like a madman on his phone.

Minka came up to order.She looks harmless enough but when she opens her mouth? Yeah, not so much. She's rude, demanding, and has one of the most annoying voices I've ever heard.

The guy in front of her orders a pumpkin spice latte. He had asked for whip. She orders one too but without. I make his. I'm putting the lid on the cup that says PSL and she yells out: "Oh my God. I said NO WHIP! Do you listen?!"

So with a sickeningly sweet smile on my face I pointed to the space above where PSL was written and said, "Is your name Frank?" She stares at me with this stupid look on her face before mumbling something unintelligible. At that point her face is all red and I can tell she's both embarrassed and pissed. Derek hasn't looked up from his phone.

When her [order] was done (no whip, people) she yanked it out of my hand and stomped to where Derek was sitting. She just stood there tapping her foot. She had one hand on a hip and was wearing some ugly, ugly boots. He got up without looking at her and walked out without holding the door for her.

Is it bad for me to admit that when the door nearly slammed her drink into her and she almost tripped - that I laughed a little?

I didn't notice her being ugly, aside from the hideous scowl she showed when she got mad. I think the problem is her outfits. I swear it looked she got dressed in the dark. Some people say she's big or thick but she seems average to me.

Tipster: awesome. We salute you. The next latte's on us. Meanwhile: Is Minka Kelly making Derek Jeter less likable?

His post-season play certainly didn't seem to be affected in a negative way. But let's forgot that he's always been known publicly as a friendly guy, and also, the tragic tale of Jessica Simpson's slam of Dallas Coyboys quarterback Tony Romo's season with her bad juju. Eva Longoria has Tony Parker on LOCKDOWN, but then again, his play's been fine. Maybe all these guys need is a good woman behind them. Or maybe they just need Catch-22 motivation to stay out of trouble and out of the house (read: postseason play) as much as humanly possible.

• Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are being seen out and about together, and oh, come on, you know you like this. He's just not prettyboy enough to be probably gay and she's this likable Shiksa you didn't think you'd be able to like but she plays the underdog card so hard it's almost like, you know what, I believe it! And then she gave SNL the best episode they've had in forever and she makes all the other teen popettes we've had over the last few years look like vapid vampire octopus brain succubus machines so, like, we could have it so much worse with these guys being at the top of the Gossip Roundup. Jon Gosselin! Gone. Michael Lohan! Gone. Today we have these guys. Let us all be thankful the gods of pop culture have finally given us something marginally likable. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of Taylor Swift, did you ever think you'd come to the day when one of the guys from Kings of Leon were throwing down for her? These are the same guys who once recorded "Molly's Chambers." Which is about someone's vagina. Those are her chambers. Get it? [People]
  
  
• More likable people! Amy Adams is spawning with her husband who nobody knows. Thank you People for trying to make this a bigger story than it actually is. We, the people who read and write gossip, appreciate this. Because everyone else you cover is functionally retarded. [People]
  
  
• Naomi Campbell has problems going to Art Basel. Because she has a stalker. Why? This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about, here. Also, are models still going to things like Art Basel and pretending like they give a shit about art? 90s nostalgia like whoa. [Page Six]
  
  
• DRUDGE SIREN ASS SHIT RIGHT HERE! Miley Cyrus has a tattoo. It says "Just breathe." Because sometimes she forgets. Literally. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oliver Stone thinks he played Cupid to Shia LaBeouf and his Wall Street 2 co-star, Carey Mulligan. Well, two things here: (1) Shia LaDouche is no longer Shia LaDouche because he's dating Carey Mulligan, who, for the most part, seems like a relatively down lady, but (2) Oliver Stone's way of playing Cupid? Who wouldn't fall in love under the spell of horse-sized 8-Balls? Exactly. Eh, more power to the happy couple. Hopefully they won't end up like a real Wall Street couple and hate each other and become profoundly affected by the sight of the ocean, at which they try to figure out who in their life they would like to throw into it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Julia Roberts is the face of Lancome. Back to that Naomi Campbell at Art Basel article, what year is it aain when Julia Roberts is doing makeup campaigns? This is a weird, weird morning already, and it's not even noon. [NYDN]
  
  
• Wait, so, okay: Rihanna shows up to a club alone and leaves alone. While she's there, her and her girlfriends dance in the VIP area, they don't let any guys get near them, they go to the bathroom together, they get drunk on champers and vodka, and then they leave, while the most popular one amongst them (RiRi) leaves alone. This makes them different than most of a certain clubgoing strata how? It doesn't. Anyway, I hope Rihanna comes out with a good song soon because I don't like talking about her and not having a good song to sing in my head when I talk about her and "Umbrella" and "Run This Town" are kinda old at this point. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, also, Chris Brown says Rihanna cried when she heard his song about what an asshole he isn't anymore. She probably cried because he's still trying to attach his press line to her. And because she has to remember dating that assface every time he talks. Rihanna! She's just like every girl in America with an assface ex-boyfriend. [NYDN]
  
  
• Sports Illustrated's Centaursman of the Year, A-Rod, and Sports Illustrated's Most Magical Vagina of the Year, Kate Hudson, are going to the Dominican Republic for Jay-Z's birthday party. They're going to play Pin The Tail on Dame Dash and do that thing in the Big Pimpin' video where they throw bottles of Grey Goose around on everyone except this time Beyonce's going to give Hov this disapproving look like, Oprah's here, behave yourself and Jay-Z's gonna be like, B, I love you, but pause? It's my birthday, and she'll be like, fine, and Jay will shower a bottle of Goose on Oprah. Awesome. Meanwhile, A-Rod will be galloping about with the other Centaurs of the Dominican Republic while Kate Hudson does whatever the wives of centaurs do when their men are out homoerotically cavorting with other half-man-half-horse-peoples. [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six headline: "Jen's Night Out Has Sour Ending." Let me guess: she went to bed as Jennifer Aniston? OH COME ON TOO MEAN. You're right. But whatever happened, she didn't get laid, and do you really want to read about that? [Page Si....oh, god, I just started reading. She went out with Courtney Cox to a Self Magazine event. And she got served with legal papers in a basket of flowers as she'll have to testify in a sexual harassment lawsuit for her agent. Her life just sucks sometimes, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway was blown away by Cate Blanchett in "A Streetcar Named Desire," which is currently playing at BAM. Anne Hathaway got tickets, Anne Hathaway, I hate you. [Page Six]
  
  
• George Stephanopoulos and his beard are house-hunting for the new Good Morning America host's house. On the Upper East Side. I know it's so 1998 to still think George Snuffuluffugus is gay but (A) so is looking for a place on the Upper East Side and (B) I do and (C) I'm feeling nostalgic today, so here's some Collective Soul. [Page Six]

Happy Birthday, Jay-Z, even though your birthday was yesterday but apparently your party is tonight. Unfortunately, just like the rest of the world, there will be days when you wake up and the Fat Boys break up and everyone will have a problem with Hov, and you know what? Dirt off the shoulder. Dude, you're 40. Maybe time to start a family, have some kids, induct them into the Roc-La-Familia. Maybe even bring creepy Uncle Dame back into the fold. You can even forgive Beans if he watches the kids. Beans and Freeway! They'll laugh at his funny beard. Anyway. You think Taylor and Taylor will ever go by TayTay? Jay-Z's best friend's name is TyTy. Maybe they can all be friends and talk about how much this Gossip Roundup sucked. Happy Birthday, Jiggaman. Oh, and by the way: the crooks who I first got my blogging start with, Young Manhattanite, who, long story short, have their tentacles (or testicles) in everything you read on the internet, are taking over Deadspin for the day. This includes such people as this site's Former Gawker Mascot Andrew Krucoff, former Idolator (and one-off Gawker Weekend columnist) Maura Johnston, and a few others you might recognize. Do it if you dare.

Hov, this jam's to you:

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

One eagle-eyed blogger named Matt Salacuse observes:

If you did not catch the celebration on the field after the game, you missed the Yankee captain, Derek Jeter, getting reacquainted with an old friend....

Jeter was holding the championship trophy a little too familiarly. He knew that shit too. If you listen to his answer, he says "this is right where it belongs." He owns that shit! Watch for Posada in the replay, he knows what's coming and he gets out of the way quick.

Lovely.

If next year's champions are not the Yankees, it wouldn't be outlandish to suggest they look into getting that trophy cleaned (or tested) before giving it a go in any number of ways. As for Ms. Hudson and Ms. Kelly: claws out for that man-stealin' clap-trap trophy. She's only there to take them away from you.

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

• Dear Twilight fans, I'm not the only one who thinks your property is boring and stupid. Kristen Stewart does, too! Princess Frumpire thinks talking about Twilight is boring because she has to talk about it all the time. "The sad thing is that I feel so boring because Twilight is literally how every conversation I have these days begins - whether it's someone I'm meeting for the first time or someone I just haven't seen in a while. The first thing I want to say to them is, ‘It's insane! And, as a person, I can't do anything!' But then I think to myself, God damn it, shut the fuck up." Oh, no, Frumpracula, keep talking. If you want to get back at your psychotic teenage vampire fans, just tell them all what it's like to have sex with Bobert Patterson. They'll all scream like, well, vampires, the real kind, the ones that explode when sunlight hits them. And if you could make all Twilight fans explode out of pop culture existence, that'd be fine, too. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jimmy Kimmel is so over Sarah Silverman, and is now dating one of his show's co-head writers, Molly McNearney. Kimmel's 41, McNearney's 31. The best part about the story, really, is the sole comment that's been left on the page: "Better wed her quick now. A wife can't be made to testify." Word. Also, oh, hey, remember that one time we were pretty sure McNearney had it going on with Kimmel long before this? [NYDN]
  
  
• Wow, Daily News is really on fire with the galleries. They call this masterwork "Hottie and the Nottie" based on a list of celebs who are with guys maybe supposedly uglier than them. Wonderful. So you're saying I have a chance? Etc. [NYDN]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus is a shitty tipper. She got $70 worth of food to go and didn't tip because she didn't know you were supposed to tip when you get takeout. Girlfriend. Sigh. Even worse: she was a shitty tipper at Outback Steakhouse. Why hasn't this been done yet? A list of Hollywood's shittiest tippers. I need to get on that. That way, these people could never eat in a restaurant without being shamed again. There's only one person who can get away with not tipping, and he's fake. [NYDN]
  
  
• The Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team known as Rush and Molloy set their trained sights this week on...Marc Rich? Yes. Marc Rich. The sketchy billionaire was pardoned by Bill Clinton, and he's been in exile in Switzerland. He didn't come back to America because of one man: Rudy Giuliani. Can you blame him? [NYDN]
  
  
• Bill Maher thinks Roman Polanski should just come back and go to jail. In other news, since Bill Maher didn't condemn Roman Polanski to die by sharks with buzzsaws attached to their faces, Bill Maher is pro-rape. You heard it here first. [NYP]
  
  
• Anderson Cooper was riding in Chelsea yesterday without a helmet. [NYP] I'll be here all day, folks.
  
  
• No, you can't. Giuliani made a young couple who had his old seats at Yankee stadium switch it up because he told Judith he wanted them back. Security swooped up the young couple, put them where Giuliani was sitting before, and plopped them back in their old seats. Giuliani, if you ever did that to me, I'd pour a beer on your head and put it on Deadspin. I don't know why this couple didn't do that. Honestly. That's beer-on-head meriting behavior. Dick. [NYP]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin: familiarize your self with the term "putz." It's Yiddish for "Jon Gosselin." Jon says he's going to be celebrating Hanukkah this year because everyone in his life is Jewish right now. No, really. That's what he said: "Everyone in my life is Jewish now, my attorney. I love it. I'm now half Jewish and half Korean. The family values are great....They gave her a free tummy tuck, worth $20 grand." Okay, Daily News, I don't know if you took the end of that quote out of context or what, but Jesus, really? Really. And he has holiday plans, too: "I'll see my kids [on Christmas] during the day for a couple of hours." [NYDN]
  
  
• Is A-Rod hitting better because of Kate Hudson's attendance at Yankees games? asks the Daily News. They even find some college professors to talk to about this kind of thing. And you know this is the highlight of these guys' week. Not that they made some kind of advancement in the field of psychology or whatever, no, it's that they get to talk about A-Rod getting laid in relation to the number of times he can bat someone in from third base. Ah, academics. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a gallery of celebrities running. It's oddly compelling in that "I will not eat this sandwich" kind of way. [NYDN]
  
  
• Tiger Woods is cheating on Gatorade with some kind of "focus drink." Adderall juice? Gimme. [NYDN]
  
  
• T.I.'s doing time for a weapons conviction—always, these guys, with the guns. Oy.—but that won't stop him from winning awards while he's in the slammer. No bars can hold The People from throwing down bars. It's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• There's a new book called "Growing up Bin Laden" coming out, and it's about growing up in Osama Bin Laden's family. Whee! The best part's when they move to Bel-Air for a while because Afghanistan got too rough during the early 90s. Hijinks ensued. [NYP]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's staying in New York. Suck it, LA. We've got Barton. Who do you have? Seriously. [NYP]
  
  
• So, Page Six's big story is that Madonna's not working out with Tracy Anderson anymore. Anderson's the trainer used by Gwyneth Paltrow to get Goop-y with it. The most exciting part of the story, however, is at the bottom. They totally buried the lede on this. You see, Tracy Anderson was apparently arrested for failing to pay a chimney sweep. The Dickens? Exactly! Dickens-esque, no? [NYP]

And, in celebration of T.I.'s award, we should all be able to feel liberated under imprisonment. Me, in front of my computer. You, in front of your computer. Princess Frumpire, in front of her Bobert Patterson. All of us, in the universe! Or something. I don't know. Here's an awesome song. Happy Sunday! Live your life! I'm gonna go eat a bagel.

[Photo via DZilla/JK/Bauer-Griffin]

• Kate and Jon Gosselin, congratulations, you've made it back to the top of the Gossip Roundup, to the umbrage of what will be many pissed off and tired commenters and your kids! They hate you! I do, too. So: it appears the one with the dead thing atop their head is seeking moneys for being the breeder of the small ones from the one with the face of ass and the terribly gauche shirts (yeah man, your shirts are gauche compared to that last sentence). Not only does she want moneys to supposedly feed their once valuable moneymaking products of breeding, but she also wants moneys for being alive: alimony. Kate Gosselin. Wants alimony. From Jon Gosselin. I'm not sure how this works as their main source of income was the show, but maybe she's seeking some of the money Jon Gosselin got from appearing at a pool party in Vegas? Which was sometime before, oh ha ha! her yukking it up on Leno! I mean, face it: he probably spent that already, but do you really want to know on what? Also, does she really care? The sad thing is that these people are someone else's parents—eight cute little peoples!—and I don't feel bad calling them both complete whatevers (technical term) because they won't go away and, you know, actually do something. This isn't like other cases of tabloid journalism where celebrities who have kids make headlines: these people make money from being overexposed, how can they protect their kids from it while they're taking all this attention? They can't. They suck. [NYDN]
  
  
• Fine. I'll bite. How much do they suck?

  "She barely talks to them," a Kate confidant told the magazine. "The nannies are doing 95% of the work. Kate has a short attention span, and everything upsets her." A Jon source said, "He can't stay at home with them. He gets annoyed when they interrupt him when he's on the phone."

  That much. [NYDN]
  
  

• Michael Jackson's awesome episode of The Simpsons, where he sings Happy Birthday to Lisa with Bart as a 400-pound mental patient was just as bizarre in real life. Apparently, Jackson serviced the crew of The Simpsons (not like that) with Sikhs in white robes and turbans while they studied the script and recorded parts at his house. When you freak out Hank Azaria, you know you've really gone far. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lay off A-Rod's girlfriend Kate Hudson! mean wives and girlfriends of Yankee players! Especially now that they're in the post-season. Honestly, Minka Kelly (aka Lyla Garrity of Friday Night Lights fame) is Jeeetah's girlfriend and is ridiculously cute so really, most of the trouble has to be coming from her. Other teams' local newspapers and fans embedded in tabloid journalism: play this story up as much as possible if you want to mess with the Yankees post-season chances. You know the drill. [Page Six]
  
  
• Pierce Brosnan likes Mojitos. Don't ask. [Page Six]
  
  
• Carey Mulligan went from who? to OMG isn't she the best? in like, five minutes. So the Daily News took the time to catch you up: she's pretty, she's in an overrated movie that New York critics are slapping around, she's a "Sundance Darling" that's coming to eat Natalie Portman's brain. This has only just begun. [NYDN]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse spent $14M partying in St. Lucia. Can you even spend $14M legally in St. Lucia? No, no, no. Time for a mediocre third album to pay the bills, toots. [NYDN]
  
  
• Dr. Phil denies that he groped the breasts of a "patient" and held her captive against her will. I'm not sure how far his credibility goes here because whenever he speaks on the teevee I feel like my soul is being held against its will, but all I have to do is change the channel. So: there's that. Am I suggested that he did? No! But he is an asshole. [NYDN]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian, who's worse for the Lakers than Isaiah Rider Jr., is in the early stages of a pre-nup (yeeeeah) with Lamar Odom and also, in the early stages of completely screwing the Lakers out of back-to-back championships. Show your support, I guess? [NYDN]
  
  
• Marge Simpson is getting naked for Playboy. Just another day in the office, folks. What Hefner and Co. don't know or forgot is that there's an entire slice of the internet devoted to this kind of pervy thing, but who're we to judge? Cartoons, strip it off. You were a marginal last frontier, anyway. [NYDN]
  
  
• If you wanna end up like Gene Simmons, don't do drugs and have lots of sex, says Gene Simmons. So: who's got the glue bag? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Adam Duritz and Emmy Rossum were photographed together at Lincoln Center, and the Daily News suggests that they're together. Rossum had a tough divorce and she's a legitimately talented young actress! This is nice. Also: November 1st is the ten year anniversary of the Counting Crows most underrated album, This Desert Life. You did not know that, did you? It was good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Usher's delaying his divorce as much as he possibly can by not signing papers. Let it burn, Ush. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katy Perry's dating Russel Brand. Take a crack at guessing the headline. The winner gets the satisfaction at knowing that they're five steps ahead of the Daily News' gossip pages (or what they think of their audience). Whee! Also, even I was in pain after watching him diddle Kristen Bell in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Am I alone here? Ew. [NYDN]

[Image via Disciullo/Bauer-Griffin]

• People "close" to Elizabeth Edwards say she's about to divorce hubby John and reveal all his dirty secrets in court. Yeah, we know the source is the National Enquirer, but they've been pretty accurate when it comes to the Edwards thing. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Maybe baby news! There are rumors circulating that A-Rod impregnated Kate Hudson, but Hudson's team says it's not true. We're at once fascinated and revolted, but more fascinated. [NYDN]
  
  
• Some claim Rihanna's sleeping with Justin Timberlake, but sources insist he's still technically with Jessica Biel, but the couple's definitely headed in the breakup direction. Oh young love! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Jackson knows who's to blame for daddy Michael's death: those concert promoters. She reportedly told auntie La Toya, "What happened is they worked him too hard. He never got the chance to rest. It was non-stop work." Even if that quote's total bullshit, it's still sad. [Mirror]
  
  
• Because someone in Hollywood thinks Jessica Alba can perform, the actress will be in the latest installment of the grossly overrated Meet the Fockers franchise. [PopWatch]
  
  
• A new book claims Liz Taylor tried to kill herself after Richard Burton ended one of their many romances. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Proving that it's hard to kick bad habits, Amy Winehouse and former husband Blake Fielder-Civil have rekindled their love — on Facebook! [The Sun]
  
  
• Poor Emma Watson. She just wanted to go to college like a normal young woman. Too bad no one told her Harvard's filled with a bunch of douche losers who have nothing to do other than stalk her and then tweet about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna told David Letterman that she would rather be turned to pulp by a runaway train than marry again. [HuffPo]
  
  
• People say Entourage star Kevin Dillon and his wife are calling it quits. He's not helping matters by flirting with women left, right and center. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now we can have a Palin nation! Rumor has it the — shit, we don't even know how to describe her — also-ran wants to land a beauty deal to "capitalize on her 'lipstick on a pit bull' catchphrase." [Page Six]

We took the V (for Vogue) train all the way out to Queen's Center in Rego Park, Queens to find the queen of the fashion world. The Mall itself looks like any other mall in any city in America, and the Macy's is like any other Macy's.

When we arrived, it appeared totally empty, a security guard pointed us toward the Fashion's Night Out event, and that's where all the people were clustered.

We talked to Keyana, one of the girls who works in the store. She said that on a normal Thursday, the place is packed with shoppers. Tonight, there was no one there but the melee surrounding the upcoming event. So, there are fewer people shopping than usual? "Yeah," Keyana said. Did she know what all this was about? "There are some people coming, but I don't know who." Who do you want to come. "Tommy Hilfiger or Kimora Lee Simmons. I'd want to see them."

On the other side of the stage was the line for the fifty people who got tickets to have their Fashion's Night Out T-Shirt signed by Wintour and Michael Kors, who was also in attendance. A group of nice ladies in line said they got there at 4 pm, an hour before the event started, and got tickets no problem. They had come up from south Jersey just for the event. "We wanna see Michael Kors. We're big fans," one said. They each bought a T-shirt, and one woman spent $80, so Anna's scheme is working—a little.

Nearby, Rose wasn't lucky enough to get in line. Why was she there. "I love Project Runway. I just want to see Michael Kors," she said. "Some Anna woman is going to be here too, but I don't know who she is. Some magazine woman. I know who Nina Garcia is though."

The CEO of Macy's comes out and introduces Kors and Kate Hudson. Wait, no Anna? The pair introduce the cast from Hair who do a few numbers. Then Mayor Bloomberg comes on the stage and introduces Wintour and Diane von Furstenberg. Bloomberg says when Wintour and DVF first pitched him the idea was crazy, but no one says, "No" to these two women. How true.

Wintour and Kors come sit at a table and sign autographs for the 50 people in line. Wintour is uncharacteristically all smiles and greats each person very pleasantly. We're just trying to get a good photo. There is a huge rush to get pictures of the two at the table.

While standing there a nice older Latina asks me to take a picture with her cell phone. I kindly oblige. I hand her back her phone and she says, "Mayor Bloomberg?" No, he left. "Oh, who is it?" Anna Wintour. "Not Bloomberg?" Sorry.

Suddenly a woman starts screaming something about Anna Wintour being the enemy because she wears fur and how Vogue should be ashamed of itself. Security quickly sees her out. We can't see Anna's face at this point, but she appears unfazed.

After about 20 minutes it's time for the bob to leave, and we snap a pic of it from behind. "Who was that?" an older lady nearby asks. "She's the head of Vogue," her friend replies. Did the pair enjoy the event? "It was fun, but it was so short." Are you going to stay and shop? "Not here. We're going to JCPenney."

Anna was off to Bloomingdale's on Lexington Avenue, and we followed. This time, we were behind the press line, waiting with the rest of the paparazzi and a swarm of people who were there to see Gwen Stefani. It appears that Anna was a last minute addition to the roster. When the PR girl comes out and tells the paps that Gwen and Anna will be coming out, they get all upset. Apparently, a photo of Gwen and Anna is worth way less than one of Gwen alone.

One shooter asks his friend, "What's happening?" "Anna Wintour is coming out with Gwen." "Who's that?" "She's the real life Devil Wears Prada."

The pair come out and everyone takes their pictures. After a minute, Anna pushes Stefani into the spotlight and leaves with a quick "Goodbye, Gwen." Stefani follows her. The photogs are all in a tizzy because they didn't get their solo Gwen shots. After a couple minutes, Stefani comes back and the flashbulbs start going off and everyone is shouting orders for poses.

We think it's rude that on Anna's special night, everyone would rather see some pop star turned designer. We leave in protest, happy with our blurry pictures and knowing that we got close to our obsession twice in one day.

• Gwyneth Paltrow's cup runneth over during a security check in Barcelona. Translation: he tits were popping out like something awful. [The Sun]
  
  
• Sorry, world, but Megan Fox insists she'll never have a sex tape. Not one that you'll see, at least, which we find kind of surprising. [Us]
  
  
• An Italian reporter stripped down and begged George Clooney for a kiss. He was rebuffed. [E!]
  
  
• It will please you all to know that Jennifer Aniston still believes in love. Whether the elusive emotion still believes in her remains to be seen. [NYDN]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will offer a tribute to her late brother at MTV's VMA awards. Sources say she's not only looking to honor Michael's memory, but also to make the world forget her Superbowl nip slip. [MSNBC]
  
  
• You know how conservatives are always crying, "Think of the children?" Well that's exactly what CNN Airport network did when they banned a PeTA advert in which Pamela Anderson strips passengers of their cruel, animal haberdashery. Said the network to PeTA, "[we're] particularly sensitive because children make up part of the demographic in airports." [Page Six]
  
  
• Shawne Merriman's ex-girlfriend joined his side in the Tila Tequila domestic violence battle. The woman, Gloria Velez, insists Merriman never laid a hand on her. [TMZ]
  
  
• Chris Robinson, the Black Crowes singer best known for once marrying Kate Hudson, has impregnated another, far less famous woman. [Star]
  place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Hudson's wearing a diamond ring, which has some people wondering if she'll marry A-Rod, but we think it will never happen, because, you know, it just won't. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, the Dolce and Gabbana flack accused of hacking into interior designer Nina Freudenberger's voicemail, has the strong support of her former boyfriend, hotelist Jason Pomeranc. He calls her a "great girl" and insists the alleged crime was nothing but "playful." Aren't ex-boyfriends the best?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bet.com's former executive editor, Andreas Hale has loads to say about his former employers, and is currently taking on "the unprofessionalism, the tomfoolery, the favors, the misappropriation of resources, the bad ideas that reinforce negative stereotypes" that run rampant across the site's team. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy are getting along swimmingly and even finding time to dine with Kevin Federline. Can you believe we just wrote that without puking all over the place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aww! Sexually ambigious singer Mika invited all of his Twitter friends to a bar to get trashed and then he paid the £25,000 tab. [The Sun]

Yesterday we gaev you a preview of Prospect Park West, Sohn's upcoming book about four Brooklyn mommies behaving badly. One of the ladies is Melora, a Hollywood actress who moves to Park Slope, so the narrative is peppered with fake stories about real celebrities. Melora and Hudson fight over a part, Lucy Liu calls Melora a "fucked up woman," Maggie Gyllenhaal is her mortal enemy (her's too?) and Alec Baldwin steals her therapist. Do you think some of them will guest star when Sarah Jessica Parker turns this into a series?

The Post dutifully called the publicists of the celebs involved. Most wouldn't comment, one never heard of the book, and Alec Baldwin's harried publicist, happy that his client didn't call anyone a pig in a voicemail again, says Baldwin doesn't care about Sohn's made-up tales, adding "It doesn't sound like such a good book."

But at least Sohn is fun enough to add a bit of sizzle to her novel. Today the New York Times fills us in on the new trend in chick lit: books with heroines who are weathering the economic meltdown.

Framed as cautionary tales, these books introduce female characters compelled to "face facts, raise funds and watch out for themselves," said Elizabeth Beier, who edited The Summer Kitchen. "They're not just vicariously experiencing other women's getting and spending," she said. "They are taking charge of their own identities; they are actually doing something, and that always makes more involving fiction."

God, that sounds as boring as reading Ruth Madoff's inevitable indictment. We'd much rather read some fake bullshit about famous people than some fake bullshit about the formerly rich trying to turn their lives around. That's why we pick up the Post every morning!

• The Yankees' Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez hate each other, and now their mutual dislike is apparently spreading to their starlet girlfriends, Kate Hudson and Minka Kelly, who are reportedly not exactly that into each other either. [Page Six]
  
  
• Seth MacFarland has outed Stewie on Family Guy as being a big, fat gay! He says that he and his writing staff had a script ready to go in which they outed him but then canned it in the end. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Larry King's wife Shawn has pulled out of a Michael Jackson tribute concert being put together by Larry King's wife Shawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon got fat in preparation for his latest movie role. He says he gorged on McDonald's and Doritos and dark beer, but now the movie's done and he's already lost all the weight. Asshole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Awww...Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen went on a double date the other night y'all! They went to Strip House (Steaks?!) and ended the night "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian has gotten herself knocked up. No word yet on who the father is, but the hot rumor is that it's some ex-boyfriend of hers named Scott. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller has already taken the Slinky Wizard back home to meet her family, so you know that things must be pretty damn serious. She threw a pool party for her family and friends, where James Blunt tried to pick up on her, but like a true knight, Slinky Wizard swooped in and swept her away from him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liam Neeson attended a film premiere for the first time since the death of his wife, Natasha Richardson, who was usually on his arm for such events. Reports say that he seemed understandably solemn and distracted. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly was photographed popping a squat on an LA street outside of a club, but she says it was all a big joke and that the liquid coming out from under her dress came from a bottle of water she poured out. [Sun]
  
  
• Diane Kruger says that she did everything but sleep with Quentin Tarantino in order to land a role in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]

In today's column she tells a story of some friends who spotted the Yankees star at The Foundry with his new flame Kate Hudson. Of course, one of her male friends ended up in the toilet with A-Rod and standing side-by-side.

Now, having seen Alex up close, I can tell you exactly about his face. Never having shared a urinal with him, I cannot tell you about his other varying parts. I am now told, however—and reliably so—that there are reasons he scores big in RBIs.

They don't call him A-Rod for nothing, folks. But what makes Cindy's source so reliable? What is he, like the tri-state area's formost expert on dick size? We have more faith in former Rodriguez flame, Madonna. Everyone knows she's a size queen.

Well, whoever Cindy's loose-lipped source is, we're pissed at him. Way to break the code, dude.

• Justin Timberlake isn't satisfied with singing and dancing and acting—He wants to write a book, about golf no less. We can't wait. The proposal's going out this week. Instant classic. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Where is Michael Jackson's brain? His body was placed in his golden coffin the other day but his brain wasn't inside? Does LaToya have Michael's brain? Is LaToya actually Michael after all? We demand answers! [Sun]
  
  
• Wass Stephens, the longtime doorman at Marquee and Avenue and an actor with recurring parts on Ugly Betty and Law and Order, was charged with assault after beating a club patron with the metal end of a velvet rope. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jason Bateman is opening up about his addictions to drugs and alcohol when he was younger. Who knew that Jason Bateman was an addict? [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are not being shy about their unrelenting celebrity love for each other. They were recently spotted having dinner with Bob Costas and his wife, holding hands and whispering in each other's ears all the while. [Page Six]
  
  
• A new book on David Beckham devotes an entire chapter to the friendship between Becks and Tom Cruise, who Beckham says has influenced every major decision he's made since 2003. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, a flack for Dolce and Gabbana often linked romantically to hotelier Jason Pomeranc, has been arrested on felony computer hacking charges. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosie Perez is set to play Obama Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor in a movie to be made about her life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Russell Brand recently took a vow of celibacy but now he's working in LA on a movie and he just can't resist those frisky Hollywood women. [Mirror]
  
  
• Debbie Rowe broke down into tears after she saw Paris Jackson, who she birthed or whatever, speak at Michael Jackson's funeral the other day (didn't everybody?) [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jason Lee got into a fight with some random dude at Max Fish on the Lower East Side the other night and whipped out some of his martial arts skills to defend himself. [Page Six]

• Jada Pinkett Smith says that she and husband Will keep their sex life spicy by going to parties at people's houses and sneaking off for a quick bang in the host's bedroom or closet or bathroom. Is this a Scientology thing? [Sun]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up again because they got into a huge fight over Nicole Ritchie, of all people, because Ritchie invited Ronson to a party but insisted that Lohan could not come with her. [DListed]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham recently had her third boob job, this time to reduce the ridiculous lady-mounds she enlarged so she'd fit in with the locals when she and the family moved to LA. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• No, Owen Wilson isn't hung up at all on Kate Hudson. He just dates a woman who look exactly like her, which of course will cause all of us to gossip and speculate endless that he is actually hung up on her. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Judd Apatow confirmed what many people have probably been thinking for quite some time—He is utterly horrible in bed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Larry David loves New York for its distinct smell of urine and because it's virtually impossible to get someone to give you change for a ride on the bus. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Former New York Giant defensive end Michael Strahan is engaged to Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse's amazingly astute parents think that all of Amy's drinking might have the potential to, you know, kill her! [Sun]
  
  
• Why does Megan Fox hate children who attempt to give her flowers? [DListed]
  
  
• Guy Ritchie is enjoying the single life in London now that he's rid himself of that addicted to African adoptions wife of his. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Britney Spears took a break from terrorizing London's nightlife to take her kids to the zoo over there. [Sun]
  
  
• In honor of his dead friend, Johnny Depp has named a beach on his private island after Heath Ledger. [Mirror]

• This is so not a bury-the-lede thing. You gotta run this one first, you know? Some foreign WireImage photog at the opening of The W in Ft. Lauderdale (which we covered in yesterday's roundup) screamed at Blake Lively, on the photo line: "You look beautiful, like a llama!" He meant to call her a gazelle, but the moment had already passed, and honestly, the Llama is a beautiful animal in its own right. Lively was later heard asking Penn Badgley what the import of that expression was, and did an impression of a llama for him shortly thereafter. Now, when Lively gets lined up for the feature adaptation of The Llama Song, you're going to remember this moment, and smile wistfully. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heidi Pratt was supposedly rushed to a hospital in Costa Rica after suffering some kind of undisclosed medical emergency while shooting I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Husband Spencer's sister is Twittering about it, somewhere. To be on the safe side: if this isn't bullshit, we hope for a safe and speedy recovery. But to be on the safe side: it's probably, like everything else they do, complete, utter, Grade-A bullshit. Which is why I can't bring myself to report this as news. Let's see who else gets hosed. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Rappers, they're just like us! Some contractor was trying to screw Fitty (50 Cent, for those who aren't "in the know") out of money for house repairs and stuff. Fitty had 21 questions for him, and the contractor could only answer eight, so he did what all hard ass gangsters do and filed a lawsuit, which has now been settled. [NME]
  
  
• Our second Marilyn Manson gossip item of the weekend! Apparently, he's so hooked on drugs, he cries to his tour manager about it, which makes me sad. Also, he once went to an AA meeting and got asked for an autograph. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse! Right? She's hanging out with some local kids from St. Lucia on a vacation there. The D-Listed writer does this better than I ever could: "When Amy Wino isn't swallowing tequila bottles whole, she's holding court with the locals of St. Lucia and teaching them the ways of the crackie. Seriously, what in Crackie of the Flies Hell is going on here? All I see is Wino sucking her thumb and the locals looking at her with "bitch you crazy" eyes." Seriously, I love D-Listed. Absolute trash, but hysterical. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Megan Fox became so image-obsessed while filming the new Diablo Cody movie (Jennifer's Body) that her hair started to fall out. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Woah! T.I. got married to his longtime girlfriend this weekend before heading off to jail to serve a year for that pesky gun charge. They've been engaged for two years, they've had two kids together (and have three from a relationship previous to this), and they're really cute. Do you know who T.I.'s wife is? It's 'Tiny' from 90s R & B group Xscape! How can you not love this? [NME]
  
  
• A-Rod's new chick, Kate Hudson, showed up at Yankee Stadium yesterday during the team's 9-7 loss to the Tampa Bay Rays. I don't like this, at all. Yes, you're Goldie Hawn's daughter, but why A-Rod? Not...Jeter? Or Matsui? You had to go with A-Rod? Anyway: we're sucking enough this year so please don't pile the whole Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo curse on us with this shit and just, I don't know, go to the NL Central games or something. [NY Daily News] Oh, and, related, I guess: A-Rod left the game and coached some kids in a little league game after the loss; the team he coached beat the team Richard Gere coached, which, oh, whatever. Just read it if you really want to. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Ron Jeremy is opening up a swingers club in too-granola-for-its-own-good Portland, Oregon, which is the least likely place to open up a swingers club. What about Lincoln, Nebraska or something? [Page Six]
• And just because you made it down here:

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• Ashlee Simpson apparently harbors some deep insecurities in regards to her husband Pete Wentz's ex, Michelle Trachtenberg. The problem started when Simpson and Wentz ran into Trachtenberg and her boyfriend at a party in LA. Ashlee then proceeded to get drunk and started giving Pete lap dances to mark her territory, then screamed at Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!" [Page Six]
  
  
• Brad Pitt shares his secret for keeping himself fresh and clean when he's chasing around a dozen kids and being pretty in movies and just doesn't have time to take a shower. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Hudson has been spotted popping into bars in West Village to watch the Yankees play, but mostly just to see the dude she's boning, Alex Rodriguez, swing his might bat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian may or may not be getting married to Reggie Bush, depending on who you talk to. Star says they're engaged, Kim says they're not. Whatever, as long as Reggie gets 2000 total yards for the Saints this year, we're fine with it. [Star]
  
  
• Susan Boyle will get special visits from her cat Pebbles to aid in her recovery from the lunacy that international stardom has stricken upon her. [Mirror]
  
  
• Michael Jackson, battling skin cancer, is refusing to eat any food and has dropped down to a dangerously low weight. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Star Trek Captain Kirk dude Chris Pine has used up Audrina Patridge for a week or two of fun and is now kicking her to the curb, as was widely predicted. [Sun]
  
  
• A new book says that Britney Spears spiraled out of control last year because she was afraid of her LSU football and booze loving father, Jamie. [Mirror]
  
  
• Neil Patrick Harris wants to get into Hugh Jackman's pants. [Daily News]