• Didn't see this coming: GLAAD has released a statement approving ABC's decision to cancel two Adam Lambert appearances in the wake of his controversial AMA performance. Glambert was not cut for kissing a man and simulating oral sex on stage, they explain, but because he did so without telling anyone he was going to do it. It means he can't stay on script, which is a fate that perhaps befalls stars who get their start in quasi-reality show settings. GLAAD buys ABC's excuse, noting that the letwork lets gays, lesbians, and trannies kiss on air from time to time. (Go, Ugly Betty, go) TMZ, however, notes that Adrian Brody and Halle Berry had an impromptu kiss at the 2003 Oscars and never suffered consequences. Update: Wanna know what GLAAD isn't okay with? Saying that they're okay with banning gay performers. GLAAD issued a mealy-mouthed "clarification" of their previous statement that doesn't really change anything: They're against double standards for gays and disappointed that Lambert's not appearing on ABC, but they checked with ABC and this is not one of those situations, so ABC's fine to ban him, or something. Anyway, here's the whole thing from GLAAD PR director Rich Ferraro

  Update on Statement from GLAAD on ABC's Decision to Cancel Performances by Adam Lambert

  Since his American Music Awards performance occurred GLAAD has consistently advocated that Adam Lambert and openly gay artists not be held to a double standard. As we have expressed publicly, it is disappointing that ABC will not give Lambert a chance to perform at this time. GLAAD's discussions with ABC focused on confirming that his sexual orientation was not a factor in their decisions. ABC confirmed this is not about a same-sex kiss or his sexual orientation but about being "caught off guard." GLAAD asked ABC and calls on them for clarification on "caught off guard" so that the community knows why Lambert is being denied the opportunity to perform on the network.

  [TMZ]

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• Miley Cyrus got Lindsay Lohan's "breathe" tattoo, but under her boob [fig.1] instead of on her wrist. It's all part of young Hollywood's plan to merge themselves into one big Transformers-like monster of indiscernible mom-nightmare. Miley was photographed cavorting in an ill-fitted hot pink bikini with visible boob pads. Her "Just breathe" tat is definitely new, because there are pictures of her pantomiming "it iches." [fig.2] [DailyMail]
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• As if Rihanna wasn't intimidating enough already: Asked about the rumor that she is a size queen, Rihanna laughed in a radio interview and replied, "guilty as charged, guilty as charged." She also likes tall men, and wearing heels. "If it's a one-night stand situation there's only one thing that matters. I don't think personality matters right there." Sounds like she's on the rebound? [TMZ]
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• Oh, so now he's all holier than thou: Chris Brown would like alleged Tiger Woods-beater Elin Nordegren to know, from one domestic abuser to another, that it's not okay to hit the ones you love. [Gatecrasher]
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• Speaking of Chris, his 20/20 interview airs tonight. His PR team's tenacity is unrelenting. [NYDN]
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• The Salahi Saga continues. Three Secret Service members are on administrative leave for their role in admitting the D.C. party crashers to Obama's state dinner. Nonetheless, the Prez sez he "could not have more confidence" in his security, probably because everyone knows this was actually social secretary Desiree Rogers' fault, even though the White House is defending her. [NYP] [LAT]
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• Pamela Anderson is recording a single with Richie Rich, called "High," which is about high fashion, not drugs. [P6]
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• Alleged Casey Johnson vibrator victim Jasmine Lennard says the Johnson & Johnson heiress "turned up screaming, 'I love you'" yesterday and begged Lennard to drop charges for the time Casey broke into her home, stole her panties, and left a used vibrator in her bed. Somehow Nicky Hilton gets pulled into the mess, as does a P6 meta-reference: "I considered dropping the charges until I read her claim in Page Six that I somehow fabricated what she did to me. It has made me more determined for her to suffer the consequences." [P6]
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• Taylor Lautner is in the running to be Max Steel in the comic-book-turned-movie of the same name. He's also hosting SNL this week. Sweet as the boy is, my prediction is "wooden." [LAT]
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• Kate Moss bought a bracelet straight off a woman's wrist, which must be one of the most powerful proofs of stylishness this world has to offer. But this item smells like a PR plant: Ad hoc bracelet-seller Ann Dexter-Jones is a professional bracelet-seller, too. Her debut jewelry line debuts this weekend. [P6]
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• Celebuspawn romance! 16-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger has supposedly been dating 15-year-old Tallulah Willis since Halloween. I can think of few things more awkward than reading about your teenage relationship in the New York Post, but celebuspawn know not awkwardness, born of grace and lightness are they. [P6]
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• "Destiny's Child Gals Reunite—For Lawsuit." Kelly Rowland is pissed because the copyright infringement suit that is dragging them to Chicago is all Beyonce's dad's fault, for pushing to get his daughter's name in songrwriting credits she didn't deserve. The catch-22 of stage parents is that the ones capable of making their kids into stars are also the one who end up sabotaging them later, inadvertently or otherwise. [Gatecrasher]
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  Figure 1.
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Figure 2.
  

• Last time we heard from Mitch Winehouse, he was talking about daughter Amy's hot new rack. Now he's explaining the real reason for Amy's trip to the hospital last weekend: "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little [points to his chest] leaky something or other." Does that really happen? Brand new breasts just spring a leak? I was always under the impression you had to be skydiving into ice-cold water or boxing Layla Ali to apply enough force to bust one of those open, but then, Wino has always been somewhat impervious to the laws of physics. [Sun]
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• Demi Moore was totes photoshopped on her ragingly hot W cover. [fig.1] But, despite the overwhelming evidence, she's still denying it! [fig.2] Mrs. Ashton Kutcher retweeted several fans' defenses of her weirdly photoshopped hip, cheering "I have no hips!" and "I love the pic and can only say I wish I had good lighting like that following me around all day!! Haha" and "i am in the skinny side lately." [HuffPo]
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• Levi Johnston went to GQ's Men of the Year party and no one gave a crap about him. Apparently Hollywood isn't as into Ricky Hollywood as ol' New York is, probably because their sense of irony is weaker. [HuffPo]
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• Everyone's still mad at Kate Moss for saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" a couple days ago. Now activists are pulling the mommy card, since Moss has a seven-year-old daughter. Moss' modeling agency stands by her, though they are suddenly reminded why the Kate Moss policy was always "look pretty, don't open mouth." [Us]
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• John Kerry has rushed to daughter Alexandra's defense regarding yesterday's DUI arrest, and seems cautiously optimistic about his daughter's fate, since she was under the legal BAC limit and was pulled over for expired tags. TMZ says "it's unlikely prosecutors will file charges," which probably has nothing to do with My Daddy the Senator, but then again, it probably doesn't hurt. [TMZ]
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• Out editor Aaron Hicklin got pissed at Adam Lambert for faking straight too many times, and Lambert is pissed right back. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, the American Idol star says Hicklin "really crossed a line," took statements "out of context," and unfairly pigeonholed him. "Not every gay man is the same gay man," Lambert said. "It's just sexuality." That's right, nobody can take your sexuality away from you, other than marketing executives with big plans for making your album go platinum with teen girls. Anyway, now that we've entered the "critical discourse on the nature of human sexuality" phase of this story, I'm officially jumping ship. Get back to me when you date someone interesting or make a sex tape, Adam. [EW]
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• Tina Fey's nefarious plot to destroy NBC continues. At an Ad Council gala the 30 Rock star joked, "NBC is sadly the fourth-place network; actually, we're in ninth place if you count the radio stations ahead of us right now." The crowd laughed uproariously and as it slowly dawned on a room full of NBC-Universal executives that they might not be in on the joke any more. [P6]
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• For her seventeenth birthday, Miley Cyrus dressed up as Julia Roberts' character from Pretty Woman, A.K.A., a whore. Jesus Christ, Billy Ray, rein in your daughters. [P6]
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• Top fashion model Daul Kim, a 20-year-old from South Korea, was found dead yesterday in her Paris apartment in an apparent suicide. Kim shot video diaries and had a popular blog. Her last post, dated the day before her death, read "say hi to for ever." [P6]
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Figures 1 & 2

• Tila Tequila's life's been a bit hectic as of late, but we had no idea how hard she was taking it all: she's been tweeting about taking her own life because "God spoke to me and told me I am needed up there." Oh boy... Tequila also wrote that a friend stopped her from doing the deed, but she plans on doing it in two weeks. Someone help this woman. [Ace]
  
  
• A man in a thong manhandled Kate Moss at Simon Cowell's birthday and all she got for the trouble was an angry boyfriend. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tyler Perry admitted on his website that he was sexually abused as a child. No punchline there. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katie "Jordan" Price's sexy fighter boyfriend Alex Reid enjoys dressing up in women's clothing. Yes, seriously. [Mirror]
  
  
• After 22-years of strutting her stuff, Claudia Schiffer says she'll retire from the catwalk. But don't worry, she insists she'll still model for print ads, the poor dear. [The Sun]
  
  
• Guns N' Roses are being sued by some musicians who claim the band stole tracks for Chinese Democracy. If Axl and company really did steal the tracks, that's sad: it took the band about a million years to make. [NYDN]
  
  
• Police found what they're calling a suicide note penned by Ryan Jenkins, the reality star who killed himself after being accused of killing his wife, Jasmine Fiore. The note makes not mention of Fiore. [People]
  
  
• Brian Littrell, who's in a bygone band called the Backstreet Boys, has swine flu. [Us]
  
  
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes temporarily moved to Boston and no one cares. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Nicole Richie was hospitalized after a minor car accident. She'll be fine. [People]
  
  
• The security surrounding Michael Jackson's tomb has been "scaled back." Grave robbers, start your pillaging! [TMZ]
  
  
• President Obama never picks Democratic Sen. Bob Casey for his basketball team. See? He doesn't play partisan games. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mad Men actor Bryan Batt's marrying his boyfriend. How fabulous! [Perez]
  
  
• Lars von Trier's new movie, Antichrist, will give you a seizure and send you straight to hell. [Page Six]

• Pamela Anderson bought a new house last year and wanted to give it some necessary renovations, like gold tiles. Sadly, she doesn't even have enough money to make the house inhabitable and has been forced to live in a one-bedroom trailer with her two sons. [Metro]
  
  
• None of the cast from Real Housewives of New York like Bethenny Frankel, which is fine, because she doesn't like them and Bravo needs to make sure she can stand alone for her own show. [NYDN]
  
  
• There's tons and tons of security on the India set for Julia Roberts' new movie because people love her. Well, not all people: some are pissed off the shooting has taken over a local temple. Don't they know that Hollywood is God? [MSNBC]
  
  
• CNN bigwigs are wondering what to do if Larry King retires when his contract expires in 18 months. Some want Ryan Seacrest, for some reason, but he's too damn expensive. [Page Six]
  
  
• Has Jude Law banned the media from asking him about his new bastard child? [Page Six]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, who have been together for a month, are now officially married. Bleck. And it's the gays who threaten the institution of marriage? [TMZ]
  
  
• A jewelry company offered Vivica A. Fox a $50,000 necklace, but Fox refused by saying she'll buy it with her next pay check. That woman always had one foot out of reality.... [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss wants to be a rock star. [The Sun]
  
  
• The band The Get Up Kids, who were huge in the 90s, have taken credit for emo music and offered an apology for spawning a wave of endless shit, like Fall Out Boy. Hey, that's an admission of guilt — can we sue for all the emotional distress? [Guardian]
  
  
• Jeremy London, an actor who once seemed like a big, big star, but was really just a frivolous 90s celebrity, owes American Express $20,000. [TMZ]

• What is Demi Moore's problem? She and her husband Ashton Kutcher did everything to publicize their Twitter presence. But now that she's queen bee, she's becoming more picky and totally dissed Sarah Brown, wife to Britain's prime minister. The nerve! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham arrived to New York for Fashion Week, but finds it unfashionable to discuss whether she had her chest reduced: "We should just not talk about each other's boobs." Why? We always have to see yours. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Oh no! Chef Mario Batali and his business partner are being sued for nearly $75,000 after failing to pay their rent. [Page Six]
  
  
• Could Anna Wintour's "Fashion's Night Out" be costing people their jobs? Rumor has it that modeling agencies are threatening to blacklist their models unless said models work for their company's events this evening. That business is ugly! [Page Six]
  
  
• Chris Matthews had to miss Obama's big speech because he fell ill after some diabetes tests. He'll be out for the rest of the week, thanks to American health care. [TVNewser]
  
  
• Former New York City mayor and alleged homosexual Ed Koch knows the word "fuck." Pass it on. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl and her nameless husband are adopting a child. Because that woman needs to be influencing another living thing. [ET]
  
  
• A Prairie Home Companion star Garrison Keillor remains in the hospital after suffering a minor stroke. That's too bad. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Speaking of potty mouths, Kate Moss didn't appreciate when comedian James Nesbitt poked fun at her sex life during GQ's Men of the Year Awards. Her reply to his joke that they had screwed: ""He's so fucking rude. I'll never come to one of these fucking awards ceremonies again!" Oh, also, she totally got drunk and had zits. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Playboy mogul High Hefner has filed for divorce after his wife allegedly cheated on him. Here's a lesson, ladies: don't cheat on Hugh. It's simply not done. [Reuters]

• Move over, revolutionary monogram artist Roger Federer, because Maria Sharapova and James Blake are designing their own labels with their respective sponsors. [Canadian Press]
  
  
• The Smithsonian added the American Idol desk to its collection but, predictably, it's tucking it away in some storage area, where people will forget the Smithsonian wasted its prestige on such a useless piece of trash. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Everyone thinks Demi Moore has had plastic surgery, and she says she hasn't, but everyone will go on believing she has. Sorry, Demi! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Paula Abdul promises she didn't leave American Idol because of money. She left on "principle," whatever that means. She also hopes to get a talk show, which we'd actually watch. [TV Guide]
  
  
• Phil Spector is such a cry-baby! He wants to be moved from one prison because he's afraid someone will kill him. But he doesn't like his next prison because there's a fungal disease called Valley Fever and it's killed 14 people over the past four years, so he's scared and his wife's petitioning for yet another venue change. Let this be a lesson: don't kill other people. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Real Housewives of New York better make sure their lives are messy, dramatic and Bravo-worthy, for the network reportedly has two new ladies waiting should any of the regular characters prove too boring. Filming, by the way, began this week. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss flashed a tit during a magazine photo shoot. [The Sun]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan got a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her arm. Oy, sometimes that girl's too much for us. [Examiner]
  
  
• Okay, Chelsea Clinton's not getting married this year, so chill the fuck out. [Page Six]

• Twilight star Ashley Greene, rumored to be dating Chace Crawford, is the latest in a long line of starlets to have nude photos leak onto the internet. [Gatecrasher and Fleshbot (NSFW!)]
  
  
• So much for that little diet of hers — America's thuggish, chicken riot-inciting overlord, Oprah, ate her way through Manhattan over the weekend, making stops at the Times Square TGIFridays for potato skins and Dylan's Candy Bar for Starbursts and Hershey's Kisses, just like your average Midwestern tourist. [Page Six]
  
  
• No celebrities want to appear on Amy Sacco's dumb Bravo reality show, because Amy Sacco and her little nightlife empire and over and dead! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a bright little ray of sunshine to warm even the coldest heart — Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are giving it yet another go! [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper were spotted over the weekend boarding a plane to Spain. Though they've yet to confirm their coupledom, traveling overseas together is pretty much a dead giveaway, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Jessica Simpson recently got dumped by the epic tool quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and now she's scared to death in Japan after an earthquake made her pretty blonde little head worry. [Sun]
  
  
• Gossip Girl co-stars Leighton Meester and Sebastian Stan are reportedly deeply in love with each other, so much so that they plan on moving in together very soon. [Page Six]
  
  
• So not only does Cameron Diaz now resemble a character on Nip/Tuck, but she also has armpits that have the audacity to sweat profusely, an unfortunate trait for someone who's photographed as often as she is. [Mirror]
  
  
• Finally, at age 35 and after years of drinking, drug use, nonstop partying, rocker dude-boning, etc., Kate Moss is beginning to show some wear and tear on that beautiful face of hers. [Daily Mail]

According to Closer magazine, via D-Listed, The Three C's and a D Of A Healthy Diet: Coffee, Cigarettes, Champagne, and Vodka. Kosher, yes, but how healthy is a diet of these four things? Are there benefits? Disadvantages, possibly? Let's take a gander. We could use to be a little cuter, a little more rockstar, and maybe, even, a little healthier.

1. Coffee! It's made from beans that are often picked by underpaid farm workers in South American countries, but that's okay, because it's a widely accepted practice, now. The beans are ground up, water is put through them, and a drink is made.
Pros: Coffee tastes good, especially when you drink it black. It has lots of antioxidants, which are things that apparently do something good for your cells, like prevent them from aging as fast. It's been proven to reduce the risk of Parkinson's disease, kidney stones, and combat asthma issues. It might be combative against Type-2 diabetes, liver cirrhosis, gall stones, Alzheimer's disease, and other things. It helps contribute to things like mental performance and memory, which are proven! And it's an appetite suppressant. Also, it makes you shit, which is good if you need to be skinny on the fly.
Cons: Well, it makes you go doodie, which isn't good if you're stuck on the beach with Kate Moss and you don't want to go in the water. Also, it's been controversially associated with increasing the likelihood of heart disease, though that hasn't been proven. It definitely ups cholesterol levels, which is funny, because people like coffee with eggs which have lots of cholesterol in them and that's some bad 1-2 shit right there. It can cause irregular heartbeats, but so can these two ladies (SWOON), so it must be especially bad for them because they have to look in the mirror all the time. It has unfavorable consequences on blood pressure, can trigger heartburn, can fuck up your sleeping cycles, and is pretty goddamn addictive. You can develop a pretty harsh dependence on it. Some people put cream and sugar in it, which makes it less great for you. Also, Sweet N' Low used to give rats cancer and it still might. Splenda looks like cocaine, which is neat. Also, it'll stain your teeth, but if you can't afford fake teeth, WTF are you doing drinking coffee?
Feed It To LilyMoss In Mass Quantities? Sure! There are worse things than being talkative and poopie.

2. Champagne A favorite of rappers and the fiscally liberal everywhere, probably for the mere effect of opening it, upon which a piece of cork shoots out with a wonderful noise and foam bubbles over the top of the bottle in a somewhat phallic, metaphorical release of opulence. There are lots of sparkling wines but only The Real McCoy can be called Champagne, because it comes from the Champagne region in France, where - other than the fact that they keep their local economy thriving - locals probably detest most of the people who drink it.
Pros: Bubbly drinks are filling. Drinking booze supposedly has lots of benefits, but the process by which Champers are made - making it bubbly - makes it healthier, I read somewhere. Also, in rats, consumption of Champers led to less damage when they introduced strokes in the rats! Poor rats, but good for strokes? It's a status drink! People drunk on Dom smell way less than people drunk on, say, Bakers bourbon, which will give you the distinct odor of an assy barn of horseshit left out to dry in the hot, blazing, summer sun after a monsoon.
Cons: Plenty of champers tastes like piss, but if you enjoy the taste of piss, then this isn't really a problem. Also, people who drink too much end up in bad places, like the gutter. Too much booze can leave you looking aged, which, compounded with all that coffee, won't help. Also, drinking a lot makes you do ridiculously stupid things, like talking a lot on stage.
Feed It To LilyMoss In Mass Quantities? Maybe! All the bubbles make it hard to drink too much and make you gassy. Also, Champ-hangovers are worse than regular hangovers so it kind of regulates itself. And if they have a stroke, well, shit! They're in luck. Finally, surely there's some kind of nutrient in something that comes from a grape.

3. Cigarettes. Oh, wonderful cigarettes. They're made of tobacco which was once farmed but is now mostly made in a factory. They're paper and synthetic cotton and might actually have some real tobacco in them sometimes, who knows? The idea is to light them on fire and smoke them and get a buzz from them. They come in all different kinds of packages with all different kinds of "flavors" and whatnot but for the most part are all the same.
Pros: Sometimes, they give you a buzz! They don't really taste good but sometimes smokers convince themselves that they do. Cigarettes with recessed filters make for great impromptu hipster coke spoons, like Parliament Lights! Also, appetite suppressant, diuretic, and social accessibility point of entry into possibly otherwise impermeable conversation!
Cons: They give you cancer, they make breathing more difficult, they make you smell, they're addicting, you're giving money to really bad people (as opposed to only kinda bad people with coffee and booze), they make you poo, they turn your teeth yellow and make your breath stank like ass, the give you a nasty cough, have killed at least two people you know or are related to, cost a shitload of cash if you live in New York ($11/pack?!?!), and have a strong social stigma attached to them. Children will give you far meaner looks if you're smoking than if you're drunk or strung out on caffine. And you don't want awful looks from children, do you?
Feed It To LilyMoss In Mass Quantities? Let's try not to. They are smelly enough with the coffee. Also, Kate has kids! Smoking in front of kids is kind of bad if only because they don't have a choice. Not that being drunk isn't bad, but they're going to get drunk one day. They don't have to give their money to Big T like us, who are terribly hooked.

4. Vodka. It's fermented grain booze often made with potatoes, and it's the reason the Russians can't ever get anything right besides getting totally krunk with the komrades. Vodka can be mixed with pretty much anything but by the end of the night as long as you have something to chase it with, you could mix it with Pedialite and be fine (note to self: try this sometime). Vodka tastes like rubbing alcohol with a nice bottom note of "ouch."
Pros: Gets you really drunk, really quickly. Some Moscovite doctor once noted that Vodka in small quantities will help prevent atherosclerosis, which sounds like something you'd want to prevent. Also, Vodka's pretty filling as a booze. If you drink too much of it, you don't have to work hard to "pull the trigger" because puking up vodka's a relatively simply, effortless process.
Cons: It's vodka. What isn't bad about it? Anything but vodka, please. Seriously. Malibu and Milk. Peach Schnapps. Bottom shelf tequila. Whatever. People don't realize how truly awful vodka is. Vodka is the worst. Vodka's like those older kids you first meet in high school who you think are so cool, and they take you out and you drink and smoke with them and then a year later, they're working at the Gap and doing lots of Acid, and you're like, woah, what the fuck? I thought you were cool. And they were like, so did we. And then you do everything you can to get out of town and never see these people again.
Feed It To LilyMoss In Mass Quantities? Sure. Whatever, they're going to do it anyway. Besides which, who are we to judge? Just look at them. Hotness in motion. Someone, somewhere has said that fame and beauty take sacrifice. In which case, color me hot. I know how I'm getting into shape this season.

• A new Vanity Fair article on Farrah Fawcett excerpted on their website details how Ryan O'Neal unwittingly hit on his daughter Tatum at Farrah funeral. It's just all kinds of creepy and downright gross. [Vanity Fair and New York Post]
  
  
• Sad old Billy Joel is supposedly distraught over losing his wife to some young European swordsman and is doing everything he can to get her back. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law thought that the actress/model he recently knocked up was on the pill. Ha! What an idiot. Jude, you always wrap up and pull out, especially if you're Jude Freaking Law! Did the thought never enter your head that perhaps someone, especially an aspiring actress, might lie to you in order to have your child? [Mirror]
  
  
• You have to admire Shaquille O'Neal's diligence in booking challenges against other prominent athletes for his new reality show thing. Too bad David Beckham is such a wanker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton must be really heavily medicated these days because she's just smiling all over the place. [Sun]
  
  
• Are you sitting down? Are you sure? Are you really sitting down? Ass firmly planted in a seat, right? Ok, now here's something that will shock you—Jude Law sleeps with a lot of women. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are a bunch of pics of Jessica Alba wearing a bikini in the wet surf. Go ahead, you know you want to. [Sun]
  
  
• Kate Moss' vegan boyfriend Jamie Hince flipped out over her wearing a rabbit fur coat or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liza Minnelli is not scheduled to appear on Ugly Betty. We repeat, Liza Minnelli is not scheduled to appear on Ugly Betty. [Page Six]

• Amy Winehouse's ex-husband says that she once reached into Kate Moss' handbag and swiped a baggie of cocaine from her. This has to be the most awesome thing the ole junkie's ever done while on a binge, right? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Ample-assed famous person Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend, New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush, have split up. As a lifelong Saints fan, I couldn't be more pleased. KK is Reggie's Yoko Ono, just a world class succubus. [Sun]
  
  
• Love letters Madonna wrote to an ex-boyfriend from the early 90s, a former bouncer at Limelight named James Albright, have been put up for sale by some entrepreneur looking to make a buck. It appears as though the most startling revelation of these letters is that Madonna liked to brag about how cute her "booty" was back in the day. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh here's news that'll make your day brighter—it looks as though Lauren Conrad's new novel, LA Candy, is being optioned to be made into a film. And LC's hard at work on a second book! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• A new reality show featuring Tobey Maguire's mom and little brother called "Growing Up Maguire" is in the works. No, we have no idea how this happened. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna and Chris Brown are claiming that the fact that they were both staying in the same hotel recently is merely a coincidence and that no laws were broken and please don't come and arrest Chris for breaking his restraining order Mr. Police Officer. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Quentin Tarantino got his buddy Eli Roth, who is Jewish, to make a bunch of Nazi propaganda films that Tarantino is using in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton has been released from the psych ward and claims that she'll be returning to work on her new TV series within the next couple of weeks. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Some sicko in possession of Michael Jackson's hair from the infamous Pepsi head-fire incident during the 80s says he plans to convert the hair into diamonds and sell them to fans. Yeah. [Sun]
  
  
• Katie Holmes was nearly set ablaze when a car on the set of her new movie exploded due a faulty battery or something. Katie reportedly noticed sparks coming from the engine area and bolted from the car seconds before it went up in flames. [Daily Mail]

• Megan Fox said that she was blinded by the paparazzi flashes going off and all the people calling her name and she was so confused by it all that she didn't see the kid trying to give her a flower in the now infamous moment captured on film and circulated everywhere. Of the incident she said, "I feel so sad for him...that kills me," and offered to send him and autograph to take his virginity or something. She's so cool, isn't she? [Collider]
  
  
• Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan are developing some sort of reality show starring Lindsay that helps out people who have messed up their lives and gives them a million bucks to start over again. We just hope that Lindsay doesn't steal all the money. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Moss got into a fight with her new rocker boyfriend and got so pissed that she tossed his laptop into a swimming pool. Unfortunately, the laptop had six new songs by his band, The Kills, on it that weren't backed up anywhere else, and now they're gone forever. Such are the perils of rockers who date coke-addled supermodels. [Mirror]
  
  
• The dude who's been banging Katie Lee Joel, Yigal Azrouel, has apparently been spreading the love all over the place with multiple women. Page Six reports today that he especially loves to bone fashion magazine editors who he thinks can help his career as a designer. [Page Six]
  
  
• Harvey Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black says that he knew growing up Mormon that God didn't love him because he's a gay man, and that he even contemplated suicide. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Rihanna is set to take the stand and spill the beans against Chris Brown in court today about his vicious assault against her earlier in the year. [Daily News]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker got pulled over in the Hamptons the other night for driving her Mercedes minivan without the headlights on. Her son James was in the back seat. Kate Gosselin would be proud. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cristiano Ronaldo said that he had a great time "talking" to Paris Hilton during their recent hookup that sent the London tabloids into a hysterical frenzy. [Sun]
  
  
• Poor little Mercy. Madonna latest African adoption, already looks confused and bewildered as all hell. [Daily Mail]

• Rihanna was photographed leaving the apartment of Kanye West, who just broke up with his girlfriend. No word on whether or not Kanye left Rihanna an all-caps note on the bathroom mirror the next morning. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Madonna's alleged young Latin boy-toy, Jesus Luz, claims that she is nothing more than just his good friend. Ouch. [Daily News]
  
  
• Mike Tyson's daughter Exodus was playing around on a treadmill in the family home when she became accidentally tangled up in an electric cord attached to the machine. She is now on life support in an Arizona hospital. [Daily News]
  
  
• Brooke Shields wishes that she wouldn't have waited so long to get her freak on, having waited until she was 22 before giving up her virginity, largely because of low self-esteem. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Kevin Bacon, fresh from getting fleeced by Bernie Madoff, had his Blackberry stolen on the subway over the weekend. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss announced that she wants to be a novelist when her career as a model comes to an end. Should be a pretty easy transition, no? [UK Sun]
  
  
• Keifer Sutherland, fresh from an incident where he head-butted a fashion designer in a fit of boozy rage, is back on the bottle again, this time getting sloshed on the Lower East Side, with his daughter no less. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mel Gibson's rep confirmed yesterday what we all pretty much already know—-That he'd knocked up one of his Russian mistresses and that his life is a big bag of shit right about now. [People]
  
  
• Kylie Minogue is engaged to a 31 year-old Spanish male model [Perez]
  
  
• A host of celebrities went out to the Hamptons over the holiday weekend, where they did all of the things that celebrities typically do in the Hamptons—-Party and get naked. [Page Six]

naugahydeinplainsight's new line beats the original, "Oh, Yeah. It Comes Out Like That When You Get Older."

Instead of an ice cream truck jingle, it plays techno.

"It's so hard to dress in this weather!"

"And now it's snowing."

"Look, a pretty person!"

(see above caption)

"These idiots just line up to give me their money."

Well, this person runs.

"You give me money, then I give you the thing you want. No, I can't just slide it under the counter to you. Have you really never paid for anything before?"

Images via Getty

TedSez's new line beats the original, "The Hell Was That Place?"

SidAndFinancy's new line beats the original, The Continued Adventures of Princess Marabou.

The line-cutting happened at last year's Met Costume Institute Ball, and the bitter memory is still fresh in supermodel Moss's mind. She relived the trauma at the end of a lengthy interview in this week's New York:

And the thing is, we stood in line for an hour or something to say hello to the meet and greet in the receiving line. Donatella is in front of us, and Francesco Clemente was behind us with his wife, who I knew from back in the day. And we're going, I can't believe this. You can't smoke. You can't have a drink.
When we got to the receiving line, this lady came up and said, "We're sorry, they've all gone to their tables." We were like, What? Tom and Katie just walked right up to the front, and we were like, Who the fuck are they? They're not even in fashion!

Who the fuck are they, indeed.

Moss will have everyone know she was personally invited to host this year's ball by Anna Wintour and Marc Jacobs, so she won't have to worry about missing out on the meet-n-greet, thanks to Hollywood carpetbaggers or whatever.

But let this be a lesson to all you movie industry A-listers during Fashion Week: You can spend your celebrity cachet in the fashion world, but the conversation costs will probably come back to bite you.

[via Digital Spy]