According to Keith Kelly, Lucky publisher Gina Sanders—married to Steven Newhouse, of the formerly declasse newspaper Newhouses—convinced Si of the necessity of hiring Michael Sheehan, who's coached presidents and aided AIG and JP Morgan. Who knows what Sheehan will do, besides pull in a hefty salary.

You know who is probably sadder about the end of the Conde Christmas Lunch than any of the Conde editors? Keith Kelly. No one's ever enjoyed analyzing a seating chart more than Kelly.

This is the second year in a row of no Xmas Lunch. Instead, Si will host a cocktail party, at night, which sounds more fun, to us, but we are not Graydon Carter, so what do we know?

The Kelly Gang started as Keith's little annual get-together for NYC's most important Kellys—Keith Kelly, naturally, and police chief Ray Kelly, and Jim Kelly, who's both a former Buffalo Bills quarterback and the former head of Time magazine, and...the whole plethora of other important Kellys. Nowadays it's a charity event. Last year it raised $85,000 for good causes!

But the Kelly Gang party is an expensive evening at Michael's, and we hear that some people feel bullied into it by Keith—like, they're afraid that if they don't shell out the cash and show up, they'll get on his bad side, and sooner or later they'll be trashed in his column.

Well—without insinuating these fears are well-founded—isn't that how all charity dinners work? What's the problem here? Lord knows most of the people famous enough to get personal invites to these things deserve to be trashed in columns occasionally. Better to have your New York Post protection money go to a good cause than to Jared Paul Stern.
[Pic: Mediabistro]

You see, whoever sits closest to head honcho S.I. Newhouse at the Luncheon is deemed to be the boy or girl du jour. No coal in their stockings! Because we would never be invited to such an event we've had to rely on the Post's Keith Kelly's annual kremlinology. Now how will we know where everyone stands?? (Though we can make a guess: everyone stands to get laid off). In lieu of the shindig, we imagine that Vogue editrix and Big Table mainstay Anna Wintour will quietly drink spiked eggnog in her office, thinking back on better days. When Christmas still meant something. Even to those on the brink of catastrophic financial collapse.

So who partook? A partial list includes Binn partner Jerry Powers, the Post's Keith Kelly, Ad Age editor Jonah Boom and Ad Age reporter Nat Ives, WWD's Irin Carmon, Time PR lady Betsy Burton and Hearst PR person Jessica Kleiman.

And what did they do? According to a source, Mr. Binn mounted Mr. Kelly on a bed and danced in a sexually provocative manner all up on him. So if you see any positive coverage of Gotham mag in Kelly's Media Ink, now you know why.

According to several ex-employees, Kerr's problems began in January, when his office manager quit. Perhaps this had something to do with her very specific responsibilities, which, per his "Office Manager's Responsibilities" handbook, included serving "a bag of mini-carrots at the staff meeting and one other snack. The carrots will need to be washed quickly in the sink before serving to the staff. The cost of snacks should not exceed $10." One ex-employee scoffed, "Drew slovenly chews them with carrot specks flying left right and center, as the staff cringes in horror. Like a bear feasting on a lamb, really." Another told us, "No one would ever eat from any of the bowls he touched, because he was a spitter. Also, we had a client call once after a hot wings lunch and he did the whole call with buffalo sauce all over his face."

He also ended staff meetings with "class dismissed," probably because "he's used to hiring kids right out of college and paying them McDonald's salaries," said one.

In April, another group of employees left. The company had lost a major account, and Kerr blamed it on the group manager ("It wasn't her fault," another former employee told us. "The company got someone to start handling it internally."), who promptly quit. She was followed quickly by every other member of her group by late April. Not one was replaced, nor was another employee who left earlier this month. Last week, hemorrhaging employees, clients and cash, Kerr told his five remaining employees that he was closing Four Corners.

Its closure was not mourned by the former employees we spoke to, each of whom regaled us with various stories about Kerr's "Jekyll-and-Hyde" personality ("The Drew I met before I started working there was totally different from who he really is," one told us) and his disrespectful attitude towards not only staff, but also clients and journalists whom he was, theoretically, supposed to be pitching his clients.

We took a look at an internal dossier, Kerr's "Handy Dandy Guide To Doing PR," which outlined just exactly how he felt about the reporters with whom he was dealing. It's from December 2005 (maybe that was part of the problem?), and it has some choice words about the various media reporters around town.

Radar's Jeff Bercovici, then at Women's Wear Daily, was described as "Another reporter one needs to be careful with since he can sometimes screw facts up. Despite his newly-acquired fashion duds, he's still kind of a dork." Stephanie Smith, then at Mediaweek, now at Women's Wear Daily, was "not a good reporter and can make little mistakes, as well as ill-informed opinions. Make sure you go over every fact with her." The New York Post's Keith Kelly "likes the behind-the-scenes stories, juicy announcements and dirt. Loves stories about people leaving and being hired — if they are high up the totem pole and juicy. Wants it exclusively. He can be a loose gun and reckless, so be careful. Make sure he gets his spelling, titles and facts right." BusinessWeek's Jon Fine? "Writes weekly column on the media, not just mags. Likes ideas, but he does not seem to be breaking news, just giving opinions. Talks 100 mph. Brother works at ESPN magazine. Keep in mind this is a weekly, so get to him far enough in advance for bigger stories. Very into heavy metal, especially Black Sabbath and AC/DC. Guitarist."

Well then!

Kerr also had some advice for his publicists: "Reporters who cover this field do not like being pitched what they consider minor announcements as major stories. You must be careful not to get on a reporter's bad side by doing this." See, that's good advice. Too bad it couldn't save Drew's company.

Earlier: Is Drew Kerr Shutting Down His Agency?

Even in the permanently demoralized newsroom, this one really upset insiders. They see it as one more move by owner Mort Zuckerman's minions to toss a loyal staffer to the wolves in order to meet his budget numbers. Although Martin Dunn is the editor-in-chief, the blood from this one probably rests with op-ed page Editor Arthur Browne. Browne refused to comment.

HAPPY HOLIDAY NEWS [NYP]

• So, important election results: Which anchor won? The general consensus seems to be Charlie Gibson, although Tom Shales gives it to Brian Williams, with Katie Couric getting an "affably in command." Meanwhile, the kids at Fox News were kinda bummed. [WaPo]
  
• All the Dean Baquet news you need, plus a gratuitous shot at Jeff Jarvis. [NYO]
  
• Who's gonna replace the 'Toos? Keith Kelly hears Amy Goldwasser. [NYP]
  
• Speaking of the 'Toos, our favorite line in the coverage of her departure: "Rubenstein's open cultivation of Hearst president Cathleen Black — grating on other editors with her cloying toasts to her boss at gatherings, taking Black's children to concerts, naming Black her hero on Rubenstein's MySpace blog — only went so far." [WWD]
  
• The U.K.'s Telegraph group posted a loss of 12 million. We're talking New York Post numbers here. [Guardian]

No word on Lloyd Grove, but maybe he's saving that for another column.

LONESOME DOVE'S WINGS CLIPPED AT DAILY NEWS [NYP]

THE backlash has begun against Bonnie Fuller, the editrix who just inked a lucrative multi-million dollar pact to serve as a senior vice president and editorial director of embattled tabloid giant American Media until March 31, 2009.

A backlash has only just begun? Of course it has. The assistants who peed in her lunch a few years ago were actually showing their respect.

Outrage Over Bonnie's AMI Millions As Mag Sags [NYP]

People's $4.1 million deal for U.S. rights
+
Hello's $3.5 million deal for U.K. rights
=
"People's reputed deal [...] a bargain by comparison."

Picture This: $10M [NYP]
Earlier: The Battle of Shiloh

It's Last Call for Absolute [NYP]