Tila Tequila is too crazy for Gary Busey's safe haven. Michael Jackson hired mad scientists to teach pet chimp Bubbles to speak. Lindsay Lohan dodges "snake charmer" lawyer. Monday gossip is full of peril.

Apparently Tila's stint on Celebrity Rehab will cure her of addiction to powdered sleep aids. Katy Perry thinks she's the "new Brangelina." The Hoff gets hospitalized after a three-day alcohol binge. Miley Cyrus is skipping college. Here's your Tuesday gossip.

• Rihanna has a new album to promote, which explains why she's suddenly breaking her silence about the personal troubles she's faced over the past year. She addresses the Chris Brown incident in an interview in the current issue of Glamour. And she'll discuss it again on Thursday when she sits down to an interview…

Kim Cattrall turns 53 today. Kelis is turning 30. Heroes star Hayden Panettiere is turning 20. Google co-founder Sergei Brin is 36. Steve Case, the co-founder of AOL, is turning 51. CBS Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith turns 58. Randy Mastro, a former deputy mayor and now a lawyer, is 53. Actress Carrie-Anne Moss (The…

Jon Gosselin's pissed Kate Major's lying about them being together. Another parent peddles her kids for money when really, she should be a Spider Man villain. Lindsay Lohan gives me Gwyneth's GOOPy runs. Happy Saturday Morning, here we go:

Katie Holmes appears on So You Think You Can Dance (Video!), Gerard Butler is getting fat, Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler reunite, Gwyneth Paltrow cooks a chicken, Avril Lavigne parties really hard and Gwen Stefani looks pretty damn good.

• This may look like a still from a new Angelina Jolie movie. But it's not. It's the real Angelina Jolie, who made her third trip to Iraq this week and also stopped off in Jordan. What's she doing? She's saving the world, don't you know that? [NYDN]
• Kate Major, the ex-Star reporter who's been seen in the company…

• How does he find the time? It looks like Jon Gosselin has dumped his girlfriend from five minutes ago and is now focusing his attention on Star reporter Kate Major. (For this week, at least.) In what sounds like the most nausea-inducing meal ever, Gosselin and Major had dinner in the Hamptons last night with…

• This is a bizarre one: Two police chiefs in Ohio are now under investigation for allegedly breaking into the home of the surrogate mom hired by Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick in an effort to dig up dirt on the woman, which they then planned to sell to the tabloids or use to blackmail the couple. [Us, E!

Jon and Kate are packing legal heat, now; so is Evan Dando, and Kobe Bryant's maid, which finally gives TMZ the opportunity to teach readers about legislative law. Also, Marilyn Manson and Nazi Pubes. Your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

The downtown Armory played host to the 37th annual Fragrance Foundation FiFi Awards last night. A big bunch of celebs and designerswere on hand as Marc Jacobs was inducted into the foundation's Hall of Fame, including fellow award winners like Diddy and Paris, as well as Queen Latifah, Aerin Lauder Zinterhofer,…

• Last week Bette Midler was handing out dating tips to Jennifer Aniston. This week she's rolling with 50 Cent. Not only have the two become "unlikely best friends," but Bette says 50 has "really made my life worth living," and has been by her side "through thick and thin." She'd even like to sing backup on one of…

• "Real Housewife" Kelly Killoren Bensimon has deceived us all once again. All the talk about her Ivy League education? Turns out she took classes at Columbia's extension school and anyone can do that. In related news, Jill Zarin supposedly tried to return a dress at Intermix with a big stain on it. [P6]
• Kelis…

• Naomi Campbell has settled a lawsuit by a former maid who alleged the world's most temperamental supermodel threw her phone at her head after she failed to find a pair of misplaced jeans back in 2006. [NYDN]
• Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel appear to have made up following their violent brawl. They're heading…

Kim Cattrall turns 52 today, although we're guessing she won't be receiving any celebratory gifts from her SATC castmates. Other people blowing out candles today: Kelis is turning 29, Heroes star Hayden Panettiere is 19 and CBS Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith is 57. Former deputy mayor Randy Mastro turns 52. Google…

Kelis Rogers, better recognized mononymously by her first name, is known for having a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard, and not much else.