• Apparently on a boozy limo ride home from a few Halloween parties where they were dressed as matching tooth fairies, Paris Hilton's boyfriend Doug Reinhardt threw her phone out the window. It appears that excessive texting annoys him too. Paris got out of the car to find it on the side of the road to no avail. When she got back into the car, Reinhardt started to choke her. Of course, the paps were swarming and friends tried to stop them from taking pictures. Like a good girl, Paris fought back, kicking and screaming at her man. The good news? A photographer found her phone and returned it. [NY Post]
• Real Housewife of New York Kelly Bensimon showed up on time for the Halloween party she hosted on Saturday night, instead of showing up two hours late like she did last year. Hurray for lessons learned. Bensimon was dressed as a sexy Heidi or some such. Also in attendance was Jill Zaron dressed as Poison Ivy from the Batman comics. The real news is that Bensimon and fellow Housewife Zarin are apparently new besties now that Zarin had a falling out with former partner in crime Bethenny Frankel. Because she's still on the show this season, Bethenney has been relegated to hanging out with crazy-eyed Ramona Singer and Brooklynite Alex McCord. As goes Jill Zarin, so goes the audience, so maybe people will start to like this Kelly creature now. [Gatecrasher]
• Speaking of Halloween parties, Tinsley Mortimer showed up with reality crew in tow for an event to benefit cancer charity City of Hope on Friday night at Marquee. "She showed up with 20 people. The crew shot her walking into the venue, but not inside the party as promised," says City Of Hope's Jocelyn Levy. "They just hung out and drank, for free, even the producers. We didn't ask them to come, they called us." Hmm. That's funny, because we were there and we saw with our own two eyes that Tinsley did, in fact, film inside the party. Sure it was in the back by the dessert bar and the production kept a tight perimeter around Ms. Mortimer, but she did actually film inside the party. Don't go trying to tarnish our Tinz unfairly! [Gatecrasher]
• Nicolas Cage is going to miss a New York screening of his movie Bad Lieutenant, because his father, literature professor August Coppola (brother of filmmaker Francis Ford), died of a heart attack. We love it when celebrities actually do the right thing. [P6]
• Elton John has been hospitalized for a bad case of the flu and a minor case of e. coli and has canceled several concerts. All his pairs of sparkly glasses tell him to get well soon. [AP]
• Because her life hasn't been charmed enough, Dakota Fanning is now a cheerleader and the homecoming queen at North Hollywood's Campbell Hall Episcopal High School, which she is attending. Transformation into mean girl is complete. [E Online]
• Mel Gibson's girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, might have maybe had her baby (Mel's eighth) two months early. We hope this isn't like Heidi Klum baby thing where all the tabs were trying so hard to scoop each other that they just started making up the birth. [People]
• John DeLucie the fancy chef at Graydon Carter's Waverly Inn isn't leaving. That's great news for all of us who couldn't get a reservation even if we wanted one. [P6]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams is obsessed with the making of Wall Street 2. Has she not seen a film in the movie theater since the original came out 22 years ago, or does she just have a huge crush on Shia LaBeouf? You decide. [Cindy Adams]

[Image via Getty]

None other than Jennifer Gilbert, owner and Chief Visionary Officer of party planning website Save the Date (which doesn't seem to be functioning currently). Here's what we know about her:

• She's 40 and married to Bennett Egeth, a managing director at Bear Sterns. They got married in 2002, and, of course, made Times Vows section. She wore a Pucci dress to her wedding, which kind of rules.
• Threw the 10th anniversary party for Fox News. Uh oh. Might she be a conservative?
• She has three children, Blaise, 4, and 1-year-old twins Saxton and Grey. They live in TriBeCa.
• Started out as a party planner, studied at MIT's "Birthing of Giants" Program, and was named "Entrepreneur of the Year" by Ernst & Young at age 29. She has talked about starting a party planning business for children's parties.
• She is the co-founder, co-owner, and director of marketing and sales of PortaMee, which is like the love child between a messenger bag and a Baby Bjorn, if you can imagine such a thing.
• Likes to paint herself as busy executive, so we don't know how that is going to fly with the other social layabouts on the show.
• She is no Bethenny Frankel.

Jennifer actually seems kind of cool, nice, and normal, but also like the type of stereotypical, privileged New York mom that is easy to hate. She's not prettier than Kelly Bensimon, so she will like her. She has money, so Countess LuAnn will like her. Ramona Singer will hate her, but she hates everyone and has crazy eyes. Alex McCordwill want to have playdates, but Jennifer will be embarrassed to be around her, but Jennifer's husband likes to talk about clothes just like Alex's so Simon and Bennett will have a bromance. Bethenny will like her, cause she thinks she's a business woman too, and then she'll hate her, and then they'll make up, and then she'll hate her again and leave for her own show. Jill Zarin is always the wild card, but as Jill goes, so goes the audience. Don't you piss off Jill, Jennifer, or we're all going to hate you.

[Image via Getty]

• The reprehensible yet fascinating Kelly Bensimon fluttered about a party the other night asking people to smell her because she wanted a Tom Ford perfumer to make her a new scent. Which we're sure makes sense in her mind and her mind alone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Dina Lohan's absolutely livid that ex-hubby Michael would go on television to claim Lindsay has a drug problem. So she's talking to the tabloids, instead. Oh, for the record, she insists Lindsay's doing a-okay. Relatively, at least. [Page Six]
  
  
• Marge Simpson will be on the cover of Playboy and has a 3-page spread. Is it wrong that we're curious? [TMZ]
  
  
• Three years after he referred to TR Knight as a "faggot," Isaiah Washington still can't get work. [MSNBC]
  
  
• It's a done deal: a bench warrant has been issued for Michael Jackson dead doc and deadbeat dad Conrad Murray, who owes $13,000 in child support. [Inside Edition]
  
  
• Donald Trump's one cold son-of-a-bitch. Daughter Ivanka writes in her new book that Marla Maples was once a few minutes late getting to their private plane, so he left her behind on the tarmac. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hmm. Maybe Jon and Kate Gosselin aren't quite as childish as we imagined: they managed to get along for their twin daughters' birthday party. But, of course, it's only one day. [NYDN]
  
  
• Geri Halliwell should have her celebrity powers revoked, because she wore a dress from seven-years ago. If you see her, spit on her. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Nicolas Cage, whose popularity continues to astound us, reportedly owes the government about $6 million in back taxes. National treasure, indeed. [TMZ]

• Two shitheads allegedly tried exhort $25 million from John Travolta after his son Jett's death. If he didn't pay, they would release the 16-year's medical documents. Well, now they're on trial and poor Travolta had to testify about the 40 minutes he spent trying to save his son's life. He also admitted, finally, that his son was autistic, something he had never said before. [LA Times]
  
  
• Art imitated life for Jennifer Aniston during filming of The Bounty. A source claims that an assistant walked in on Aniston crying after filming a scene that reminded her of long-lost Brad Pitt. [Page Six]
  
  
• Conservative darling and failed beauty queen Carrie Prejean's really, really trying to hold onto those 15-minutes: she's modeling slutty Halloween costume. [TMZ]
  
  
• Ellen Pompeo had a baby. And it's a girl named Stella. [WaPo]
  
  
• Samantha Burke squeezed out Jude Law's baby a week early. We guess she wanted to get that sweet, sweet tabloid money sooner, rather than later. [Times Online]
  
  
• Lily Allen realized no one wants to buy her records anymore, so she's quit music forever. [Perez]
  
  
• Real Housewives of New York troublemaker Kelly Bensimon succeeded once again in grabbing some ink by posing in Playboy. But, like a wuss, she won't be showing her puss. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer makes her prince boyfriend carry her purse in silence. [Page Six]
  
  
• Not content to design just dresses, Zac Posen now wants to design an apartment building. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chynna Phillips says she fell into a 10-day depression after learning that her father John had been having a long-term affair with her half-sister, Mackenzie Phillips. She was not, however, surprised. [NYDN]

• Kelly Bensimon got dissed by Gerard Butler after the two exchanged phone numbers in June "after a night of heavy flirting." He apparently never called her and avoided her when he ran into her again recently. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Adam Lambert's fans have taken idolatry to a new level at some of his live shows by tossing sex toys on stage while he was performing. [EOnline]
  
  
• Surprise, surprise — Joan Rivers isn't a fan of Jon Gosselin, whom she says should have worn a condom more often. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ashley Olsen says that she's surprised that she didn't "end up like Britney Spears." Oh, but there's still time darling, there's still plenty of time. Don't stop dreaming! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Dustin Lance Black is suing the website that posted x-rated photos of him recently, asking for $3-million in damages. [Page Six]
  
  
• Griffin O'Neal says that his father Ryan O'Neal supplied him with cocaine when he was only 11 years old. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's what James Caan says about women in a recent interview: "They're fucking nuts." Remember, this is James Caan saying this ladies, umkay?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Elle Macpherson's shitty acting skills are the primary reason Mischa Barton still has a job after being institutionalized with a breakdown last month. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So you know how some of Madonna's early 90s faxed love letters to a bouncer were recently made public? Well, it appears as though she may have plagiarized from poet Anne Sexton in one of them. [Page Six]
  
  
• A singer named Jill Sobule says that Katy Perry is a "fucking thieving little slut" because she feels that Perry ripped "I Kissed a Girl" from her. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller says that she understands why people might hate her after she started dating a married father of four. [Daily Mail]

We already heard that club queen Suzanne Bartsch turned down the gig. That would have been an awesome addition indeed, but we have some other fantasy candidates that would really make the sparks fly over on Bravo.

Ruth Madoff: Well, if they don't send her to jail. Not only does everyone already love to hate her, but poor Alex McCord won't have the worst husband on the show for a change. And just wait for her first public event. The cameraman is going to need a bodyguard. [Photo: AP]
Paula Froelich: Well, it's not like the former Page Sixer has a job right now and she does have a book to promote, so what better way that by talking some shit about New York faux-cialites. She's been doing that for years! And Paula is witty, sassy, and just a bit crass. She'll either be Jill Zarin's new best friend, or eat her alive.
Fabiola Beracasa: An honest to God socialite, Beracasa won't need Bravo's help to get invited to fashion shows. We'd love to see how this little spitfire would square off against former model Kelly Bensimon. It would make Bethenny vs. Kelly look like a game of patty cake. She might be nuts enough to do it. She did wear this dress in public.
Ali Wise: She is a young, pretty professional. Just the type that casting directors should look for. She's also nutso enough to allegedly break into someone's voicemail. Just think about what Ramona Singer will do when she finds out someone has been reading her email.
Michael Lucas: Four versions of the Housewives franchise and not a gay housewife yet? You'd think that straight people watched Bravo. This self-promoting gay porn mogul doesn't take crap from anyone, and loves to argue. And, if he's willing to let Perez Hilton take his shirt off in public, imagine what Countess Luann De Lesseps will say about his etiquette.

Yes, the whole gang is expected to come back, and Bravo is hoping to find two new ladies to join them. Initially everyone thought that leathery bitch Kelly Bensimon would not return, but apparently she's eager to go on TV again to prove that she's not a self-centered nightmare. Plus, as an insider close to the show told Gatecrasher, she sorta makes for good TV:

People may hate Kelly, but they aren't immune to her. They hate her so much that they want to see what she'll do next. She's the bad guy, and that makes for interesting television.

It's perfectly understandable that Ramona would hold out for more money—rocket fuel isn't cheap, and she needs to fix the carbine-capacitor before she can slingshot past the moon and straight on towards home—but Jill? Really, hon? We like your mom, and we adore your hideously redesigned house, but other than that, you're the most blah of the group! Even your kid isn't the most interesting kid! (That title will forever go to Avery.)

Anyway. Obviously we're most excited for the return of Countess LuAnn "Crackerjacks" DeLesseps. Unfortunately we weren't able to get a comment from her, though we tried via payphone before she zoomed off in a rusted-out Thunderbird headed toward the Sierra Madres, never looking back.

Yeah, Kelly Bensimon, the worst witch, was cuddling up with 300 star Gerard Butler at some sort of Details magazine party. What a big, on-the-rise movie hunk like that was doing curling up with that strip of jerky we're not sure, but evidently he enjoyed it. After consulting with Dan Abrams (of all people), Butler was heard cooing into his cell phone, "Where are you? Where did you go?" Ah, young (in spirit!) love.

And the Countess... Well, you tell the story better than I could, New York Daily News:

Spies caught ­Countess ­LuAnn de Lesseps - who's separated from hubby Alexandre - letting out her inner cougar at Georgica in East Hampton.

"LuAnn was drinking, dancing and making out with a young guy in his late 20s," says an eyewitness.

Sad. But also beautiful.

Have fun, girls!

Image via Getty

• Lindsay Lohan's obsessive stalking of Samantha Ronson throughout Europe seems to have worked. Ronson appears to have caved to Li-Lo's insanity out of fear for her life or something, as they were spotted spending the day together in Los Angeles after a Lohan tweet hinted that they may be back togther. [Sun]
  
  
• Things are getting ugly between Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott on the set of their Robin Hood flick. Allegedly producers are having to fly in to make peace between the two, who have refused to speak to each other at times. Russell Crowe also so showed up fat to play Robin Hood at the start of filming, something that didn't please Scott and the producers, who forced Crowe to go on a crash diet to lose 35 lbs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway thinks she's ready for the bright lights of Broadway and is set to play Judy Garland in the the upcoming musical, Get Happy, The Life of Judy Garland. [Daily News]
  
  
• Here's a shocker—NBC is vigorously denying the Speidi torture allegations, basically saying that everything Heidi and Spencer have claimed is a load of crap. Again, shocking. [Daily News]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has reclaimed her sanity with the help of her cat "Pebbles" and is ready to start rehearsing for the Britain's Got Talent tour. [Mirror]
  
  
• This whole Jon and Kate thing is already beyond ridiculous, but it only grows more so by the day—Authorities with the Pennsylvania Humane Society were called on to investigate whether or not the Gosselin's dogs had been abused by the family. [Dlisted]
  
  
• Chris Brown has taken to surrounding himself with burly bodyguards whenever he makes public appearances out of fear that someone will seek retaliation for his beating of Rihanna. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is on the verge of nailing down a deal to produce a remake of Saturday Night Fever, with Zac Efron set to star as the character played by John Travolta in the original. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of New York was cleared of assault charges after the dude she allegedly beat up failed to show up in court. [EOnline]

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

• Kelly Bensimon's absolutely going back on Real Housewives for more catfight action. Apparently, Bethenny Frankel's a bully and needs to be show what the fuck is what. Meanwhile, while no official diagnosis has been made, this woman's clearly shown a pattern of cognitive cognitive dissonance, and is totally insane, because I don't think anybody likes her or sees it that way. Right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six has a brilliant item on some MTV Movie Awards anecdotes: Whitney Port from The City had to be removed from sitting next to Twilight star Kristen Stewart after she called Twilight "really bad" and Stewart's performance in it "one-dimensional." Uta Hagen agrees! Also, the Disney kids had to be kept away from the Nickelodeon kids before a Warriors-esque knife fight broke out, because Nickelodeon believes Disney's kids are "tainted." Wow. The show airs tonight, it's probably gonna suck. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Killers' singer Brandon Flowers and his wife are expecting a second baby soon. Will he be human, or will he be dancer? The choice isn't really yours, but it should be. Then again, we'd all choose "dancer," anyway. [People]
  
  
• Tone Loc collapsed during a concert in Pensacola, Florida (home to the University of West Florida's Fightin'...Argonauts..) after having one cup too many of the Funky Cold Medina and overheating. He's gonna be fine. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Okay, really, this is maybe the best thing I've ever read on Page Six, if only because they made an item out of it: co-author of The Communist Manifesto Friedrich (or in P6 Speak: FRIEDRICH) Engels was a homophobe, loved hookers, and was a sexual predator, according to a new book on him. Scandalous! Next Page Six item, please: Chairman Mao Is An Alcoholic Dick! I love where this could go. [Page Six]
  
  
• Melissa Joan Hart opened up a candy store! It's called Sweet Harts (get it?) and a pissed-off has-been talking cat staffs the counter and doesn't want you sampling anything. Just buy it and get out, please. Also, related. [People]
  
  
• Will the 90's-oriented gossip items ever end? Answer: hell to the no. Tank Girl star - yes, Tank Girl - Lori Petty hit a skateboarder with her car last night in LA, and is sitting in jail on a felony DUI charge, being held on a $100K bail. I wish Ice-T could dress in a rat suit and bust her out, too. We all do. [TMZ]
  
  
• Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou had a baby yesterday; it was a boy, and he's probably gonna be a decent looking kid. But the US news item about it had this typically bizarre quote from Kimora in it: "Asked if she wanted more kids, Simmons previously told Us, "I would love to. I practice everyday." Practice...how? [US Weekly]
  
  
• The Clintons are looking for new digs: Woodstock is probably ruled out (seriously). Apparently, Bill's friend, the drummer from The Band, Levon Helm, lives up there. Most likely, Hil's going to spoil his party, and they're going to remain in Westchester. Boring. [R&M]
  
  
• Christie Brinkley's advice to women: "Have an exit strategy." She doesn't see the point in being married after number four fell apart, which is sad, because she's endearingly cute and truthfully, at 55, still a MILF. Sorry. It's true. We should set her up with someone nice. [NYDN]

Between the sizzlin' fajitas and fun-time 'ritas, Kells and Liz managed to have a serious conversation about how it's everyone's fault but Kelly's that she came off like a hideous beast on her first (and, one hopes, last) season of the Bravo reality gurgle.

I am an aspirational kind of girl. The "Housewives" show was an opportunity for me. In only three months, however, I became a household name, a favorite of Page Six and all the tabloid magazines. They see me as a bitchy socialite, a bad girl from the Country Club set. But the hardest thing in life is to be true to oneself. And I have a great family backing me up – an older sister, a twin brother and my parents in Illinois.

Which, OK.

1) She is not a household name. I mean, maybe in her own household. Like, her kids know her name. So maybe that's what she meant.
2) A "bad girl from the Country Club set" implies that she's interesting, when in fact she's just dumb and boring. I would kill (almost literally) for a "bad girl from the Country Club set" to be on RHoNYC. But Kelly Beensomeone is not that character. Even if she tries to convince us for thirty-five agonizing minutes that she is.

Anyway, tin Lizzie found out that we were watching her:

Kelly and I sat down in my apartment building in the celebrated El Rio Grande restaurant for a chat and by two o'clock PM the same afternoon, with nobody on our side calling in, we turned up on Gawker.com as lunching and "having a business meeting." There wasn't much business to it; just two longtime girlfriends chatting.

Ah yes! Two longtime girlfriends chatting, no business aloud!, and then later the conversation ends up on an old lady website. America, ladies and gentlemen.

So, everybody laughs.

• Lily Allen took to Twitter account to unleash a fury of hate on Susan Boyle saying, "Susan Boyle is so overrated...Listen, I'm allowed to have an opinion. I thought her timing was off. No control, and I don't think she has an amazing voice. Yes, she can sing, but it's not about talent with her is it?" [DListed]
  
  
• Jon and Kate are facing the "dark side of reality" because all of their squabbling on television may lead viewers to turn against them and then their show would be cancelled and then they'd be miserable AND broke, and who wants that?! [Daily News]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon showed up late to a book party for Hollywood lip monster Lisa Rinna, slammed a martini, and then proceeded to flirt with every dude in the room. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl got dropped from some shitty romantic comedy because she was demanding a ridiculous salary and a personal ass-wiper in her trailer or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tori Spelling went to the beach over the Memorial Day holiday and frightened the hell out of everyone with her freakish, destroyed by plastic surgery Frankenstein body. [DListed]
  
  
• Rapper T.I., obviously thinking that he could do whatever he liked, showed up late when he was supposed to report to prison to begin a jail sentence.[Daily News]
  
  
• Mariah Carey has fired her poor hair dresser because he just couldn't figure out how to make her horrible wigs and weaves look like real human hair or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton showed up at some club in London and turned down a free bottle of champagne because "we only do shots." Yeah. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima is pregnant for her husband, some shitty basketball player for the Memphis Grizzlies. [UK Sun]
  
  
• James Brown's family is about to kill each other over control of his estate. [EOnline]

• Kelly Bensimon is ruined, Ruined! she says. Apparently, Bensimon realized during the reunion episode that she came off like a total bizznatch on the show and now regrets looking like an ass on reality TV. Whoops! [Page Six]
  
  
• Natalie Portman isn't into Sean Penn, she says. Which is too bad, because on the SAT question that asks what follows in a logical progression after Natalie Portman dates professional weirdo Devendra Banhart, I definitely wrote "Sean Penn." Shit. [US]
  
  
• Vogue intern and sometimes-hockey-player Sean Avery hit up Scores the other night and a stripper followed him out and gave him her digits. A few nights later, he hosted a charity benefit for something called the "Garden of Dreams," which incidentally has nothing to do with his cock-region. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears spent over $3M in scrilla, dishing out cash hand over fist in legal fees, $188,556 for assistants, and lots of groceries for "PopoZão" singer Kevin Federline. [E!]
  
  
• Paris Hilton's neighbors want her out of the 'hood so badly, they're willing to bribe her landlord an extra $5K. [TMZ]
  
  
• Bruce Jenner's new face is here, and comes with rear airbags, a direct MP3 hookup, and a daughter who won't shut the fuck up about her Dad's new face. [NYDN]
  
  
• Paps checked Brooke Shields' mother out of a nursing home. Rights to the best meta-buddy-comedy of all time are being optioned as we speak. [Wonderwall]
  
  

1.) I didn't get the time this week to talk about how insane Kelly Bensimon looks when she lets her hair down.

2.) Oprah interviewed a prostitute from the Moonlight Bunny Ranch this week, and when we posted about it, we left out O's most important question:

3.) Another day, I was watching Oprah, and paused it to go to the bathroom. When I got back, this was the face she was making, and I couldn't help but think she was dropping an S-shape of her own.

4.) Do you remember Daisy?

She was the girl that Bret didn't pick on Rock of Love 2. Now she has her own dating show on VH1, Daisy of Love, and this is how she said "hello" to her prospective boyfriends.

One contestant on her show described her pretty well: "She's like 5 foot tall, big fake boobs, blond hair, big lips…she's like my perfect girl."

5.) The Insider gave really sensitive coverage to that whole maybe-anorexic beauty queen thing. (Not.)

6.) Barbara Walters went on vacation with Cindy Adams and got waterboarded. Or so she says.

7.) There were two things I forgot to mention about ANTM this week. This:

And this:

8.) This speaks for itself:

9.) Heidi and Spencer are practicing birth control.

10.) The Lifetime Original Movie, Natallee Holloway, aired this week, and it didn't have a budget for publishing rights of Gwen Stefani songs. Also, it was established numerous times that Natallee was not a slut.

Lastly, I'll let Barbara Walters sign off for me:

Oh, you know how it went.

Our story began with the shaking sound of broken glass in a cardboard box, a sound effect they use on radio shows like A Prairie Home Companion, but also the sound that Alex and Simon make while they rattle around Manhattan, their crow-like eyes scanning the horizon for bits of detritus—swatches of fabric, old posters of Alice Cooper, chandeliers made of bones—that they could use in their fancy new renovated house. There was also the lilting music of a Victorian carousel, so even those far off could tell; their daughters Johan and Eloise were with them. Now if you want classy stuff for your new classy house, what you're gonna wanna do is go down to Zarin's Fabrics. Because the orange woman who greets you with an ear-shattering nasal whine is sure to know classy when she sees it. Also if you can seek the counsel of an elderly gay house elf who sleeps in a small, dusty cupboard in the back of the store, that's great too. With the both of them, you're sure to go right.

So Alex and Simon consulted house elf and Jill, while the little girls made holy terrors of themselves, rolling themselves up in fabric, setting customers on fire, maliciously pooping in the elf's tiny cupboard house. Jill sighed wearily while Alex and Simon did nothing, because they are powerless against these manic, magic cherubs.

Speaking of manic, magic cherubs, Bethenny went to go get her hairs coiffed and to "wash the gray out." Which is a cutesy way of talking about getting one's hair dyed. So she turned on the ol' Frankel laughtrack and chatted up her big gay hairdresser, a loungey Frenchman named Alize or something who wanted to set her up on a date. Bethenny wasn't really having it because dude was a model and she doesn't do models. Instead she wants to marry the hairdresser if she's 40 and still single and then they can have a kid together and live in the Hamptons and he'll just go off and boff mens in his spare time. Alize sighed and giggled, doing a decent job of pretending that this was the first time he'd heard such a proposal. But lemme tell ya, Beth. Even ugly 'mos like myself have heard this line a few times. It starts in college and, oh I dunno, probably ends when you're 50. So, enough.

The date turned out to be horribly awkward, mostly because Bethenny just kept trying to make jokes that were only sorta funny, but lots uncomfortable. Some guy from Jersey or Long Island probably would have picked up on it, but this dude was a French model whose English wasn't even that sound to begin with, so he just blinked at her and guzzled one of her Skinnygirl margaritas and time mooped on and I shrugged to myself and thought At least she's dating. But Alize, be warned. It looks like you're getting hitched in three years.

Over in the Fantasticastle on the Northern Edges of the Glittersad Realm, Queen Ramona Singsongy Bingbongy was strapped to a Canadian goose and taken to Dr. Eve Ensler's Plastic Surgery Depository, where she would have a new face grafted over her old one, in the hopes of prolonging death. Because, few people know this, Ramona is actually 122 years old. She was born to itinerant yam farmers in the 1880's and has just hopped the rails and stolen faces ever since. Once science caught up with her wicked desire for new faces, she stopped stealing other people's and began getting Botox and Restalyne and Horsebutt Injections. Dr. Ensler told her about a new crazy thing where you give your armpit a sonogram to find out if it's pregnant with sweat. If it is, you abort the Sweat Baby and then you don't sweat anymore. Ramona stared at her, unblinking, and sad "could you stop my eyeballs from getting wet, too?" She also requested a new form of magic Botox (just typed BoSox there by accident, and thought it would be funny if Ramona had Kevin Youkilis injected into her face), that will not leave ugly little scar marks that Ramona has to cover up with her magic skin cream that she bought off an old witch near the edge of the Deep, Dark Wood.

So Ramona was happy because her looks are the most important thing to her, not her dwindling sanity, not her religious jewelry syndicate, not even her terrifying daughter Avery. Well, actually, Avery is quite important to her, because when she turns 18, Ramona will perform an ancient ceremony and transport her soul into Avery's body, so she can be young again. And then she'll never have to hang that "Out Chasin' Faces" sign on her front door ever again. And everyone will be glad for that.

Alex and Simon, sensing that their beautiful home repairs were near complete, decided they would have a grand gala for all of their "friends" to show off their new domicile. "We'll send the girls to their grandmother's in the Deep, Dark Wood," Alex declared. Simon said "Oh, yes, of course! And we just got them those lovely red riding hoods." The only trouble with the party planning was that the house was still a shambles! There wasn't any paint on the walls, the black teak wood was only half on the floors, there was still a small greasefire in Simon's clothes hamper, and Alex's false teeth and gotten up and chattered off one morning and they still hadn't found them (I can hear them in the walls, Alex would think frighteningly to herself, lying awake in bed at night, Chomp chomp, chomp chomp, chomp chomp...). So cue the whirlygig sped-up Trading Spaces montage of stoves and paintings and Alex and Simon sitting alone in the middle of the floor on tiny red pillowseats. There was a problem with some huge steel doors and the rain, there was a problem with the oven, and, of course, the Floor People came back.

But after it stopped raining and the stove was compromised on and they had the old voodoo lady with the cat on her head over to exterminate, they were ready. Just in time, 'cause ding dong went the doorbell and it was horrible Kelly, very early and very confused. She said she had "no idea how long it would take to get to Brooklyn", so she left really early. Which, I mean... oh for the love of God, come on lady. You can see Brooklyn from Manhattan. Like, very easily. This whole fancy pants "I never leave Manhattan!" bullshit is such a sad, lame joke. Alex made the good, if a bit annoying, point that it takes five minutes to get to Cobble Hill (for godssake) in a Town Car. Then Kelly, wearing her pith helmet and warily stroking her elephant gun, asked how where they live compared to "New York." Simon haughtily replied, as I used to when I first moved to Bklyn, "you mean Manhattan, we're still in New York." So it was just a sad bit of urban anthropology or something, and god almighty is Kelly awkward and horrible.

The rest of the ladies, sans Ramona of course, showed up and they were all stunned into disbelief over the house. Jill bitched a bit about fabric choices and then gave herself credit for a lot. Bethenny called it "a little bordello," which was being generous. It looked like David Copperfield's sex dungeon. What I find funny and strange and a little bit scary is that, while they affect this bourgie "we go to the Met! and Sant Barrrthssss!" thing, Alex and Simon are also straight up freak nasty when it comes to meeting each other for sex on the internet, wearing leopard print dresses, taking nude photos, and decorating their apartment to look like the inside of Sharon Osbourne's vagina. Part of me thinks they might actually be kinda fun, in a weird and off-putting way, if they just dropped that pretentious knickknackery half of their personality and just embraced the other bizarre side. But then I have to start thinking about a world in which I actually enjoy Alex and Simon, and lordy loo, that makes me want to go hide in the walls along with the missing falsies. Hiding there forever, there behind the set for that sadism-themed episode of Roundhouse.

After she left Brooklyn, all brave and exploring and noble, like a twice-baked Robert E. Peary, Kelly was invited by Countess Crackerjacks to a little downtown Sex and the City gals drinky romp-romp with Lunny and her two weirdo nieces. I say 'weirdo' because the minute Kelly sat down, one of the girls, we'll call her Snowball, asked Kelly: "What is your perfect date?" It was creepy and sad, this girl thinking she had to ask this bland and hideous reality show question. Plus, everyone always gives a terrible answer (honesty: we go to a movie, get drunk, then go to bed). Kelly's was "I like to do stuff so he should want to do stuff but nothing cheesy or lame." Crackerjacks beamed at all of this, so happy to feel all sexy and downtown and young, with her two nieces and fried-out, flaking Kelly. And dear old Crackerjacks, didn't it just break your heart a little bit to watch her in this scene? Especially when she said "I'm just living vicariously through you single gals!" and then realizing that she herself is now a single gal, yet again, yet another miserable time? Ah well. Had they asked her, had Snowball turned to Lunz and asked "What is your perfect date," Cracky would have cleared her throat, lit up a GPC and smiled.

"Well, I'll tell you my perfect date is not. Hah. It ain't gettin' popped in the back of your Crackerbarrel manager's old brown Cressida. Tell ya that. And it ain't waking up in Van Horn Tee Ex with your bits around your ankles in some dude named Lonny's trailer, walking the six miles to highway 10 and hitching all the way to New Orleans, all the while you're just thinkin', I had six rolls of quarters stuffed down my pants when I woke up in Las Cruces yesterday, and now I got nothing. That, my dears, is not an ideal type of date. And it sure ain't daisy-do perfect when you finally get to where you're goin, in this case, in this particular month of May, it was New Orleans, and you find out that your one and only, a ranch boy you met dancing at The Boondoggler ain't some rich Cajun prince like he told you after all, no he just sleeps in a fan boat and eats whole crawfish, raw, all day long. That is not a pleasant, ladylike Saturday evening, that's for sure. But I will tell you one thing. One time. I was barbacking (no that ain't what you're thinking, Snowball. There's no 'e'.) at this place near Lake Powell, it was called the The Oceanview, on account of the lake bein' there. And it was a real nice place, table cloths 'n' shit. Anyway. This one day, guy comes in. Danny. Blond hair, tan, ass like an apple turnover, just dressed real nice. Well he walks straight up to me and asks 'When you get off?' And I smile at him and I say right back 'Right after you do, dimple dick.' And man oh man, was he waiting for me when I got outside. And we just went for a drive, that's all. Didn't have to touch nothing of his and he didn't try to touch nothing of mine. We just drove and parked and we looked out at that whole big map of stars, and we didn't say much but I remember he did lean over once, real close, and he whispered 'What are you doing here?' And, you know, I just didn't have an answer. But it was OK. 'Cause at least he'd asked, you know? He drove me back to the house I was livin' in with Dorine and I never saw him again. But I used to think about him every time I saw the sky at night, you know? That's why I moved here. No stars. No Danny."

That's, you know, if they'd asked. But they didn't. They just kept on blabbering on and Kelly's sorta Argentinian boyfriend showed up and Crackerjacks got a little mad at first, because everyone just likes to get mad at everyone on this show, but eventually she softened up and you saw that same familiar, sad streak in her eyes, that look like she was seeing something entirely different than everyone else, some whole different picture, some whole different place, some whole different time entirely. But she shook it off and bristled her collar and after Juan Peron had left she said "I think it's getting hot in here!" and Snowball and Misty and Kelly and everyone laughed but on the inside, our hearts were broken.

But it was not the time for sadness! It was the time for charity and work, on behalf of the Knobby Knees Charity for Broken People, which Jill is spearheading in honor of her daughter, an unhappy clam of a child whose bones ache almost as much as her suffocated soul. Bethenny and Kelly were the first to show up, which was all planned, because they needed to have the terrible round two to their terrible fight. Bethenny was righteous in her anger, sure, but really should have just dropped the damn thing because Kelly is an unmoving monolith of horrible skin and crinkly creases who will not listen to reason. Rather she will just pretend she is above it all, when in fact you are not allowed, never ever, to claim out loud or simply act as if you are "above" anything once you've signed the contract to appear on a basic cable reality television show about... yourself. Sorry Kelly, check your wig at the door, because you've failed. You've failed at pretty much everything you've done!, but now, especially, you've failed as a reality show star. Because you sincerely seem to think yourself better, and you sincerely seemed to think that you'd be shown in a positive light, because what possibly could be not so positive about you? Except everything.

Anyway, the fight. Bethenny said that Kelly was a bitch for saying that she was up Here and Bethenny was down Here. Kelly denied saying it, then tried to turn it back on Bethenny. All of the ins and outs of the tiff aren't really worth going into because they're stupid and circular and make little to no sense, so let's just say that Bethenny slapped Kelly and then Kelly broke a vase over Bethenny's head and before anyone knew it they were rolling around on the floor, grabbing items from Jill's beautifully made-over tchotchke hut of an apartment—there went the O of the POP tables thudding down on Bethenny's noggin, smash! went the mirror wall as Bethenny slammed Kelly's raisin bran face into it over and over again, donngggg! went a candlestick holder as it went thwunking into Bethenny's tiny abdomen, and kersplinkle! went a menagerie of figurines as Kelly went sailing into a decorative shelf. Bloody, bruised, and embedded with thousands of shards of glass, Kelly went limping off to buy wine, because Ramona was coming soon and if there wasn't wine, the carnage wrought by these two broads would look like tiny potatoes. Roaaarrrrrrrrrr! would go the world as Ramona tore it apart seam by seam.

And there the episode ended, with blood and glass and tears and wine, as most parties end everywhere, as some parties begin, somewhere. No one really moved forward, did they? Alex and Simon still live in a dilapidated lean-to, now it's just full of Donny Osmond's darkest fantasies. Ramona is still stealing faces, but now it's just from science, not from actual people. She still lives in the Sparkleplace, a slip of a realm between this world and the next. She still speaks Diamond and Dogbark, her ears still twirl at the sight of rain, her hair is still made of ghosts. Bethenny is still on course to marry her gay hairdresser. He's still on course to never, ever actually do it. Kelly is as bashed-up as she always was, still having the same fight, still doing the same boyfriend bragging, still staring at that postcard she tacked up on the wall next to her bed when she's trying to go sleep at night. Someday she'll make it to this faraway, exotic place. When she saves enough, when the girls are older, when she can find the time. When she becomes brave enough. Queens, they call it. And it's across the big yellow bridge that stretches out like it's going to China. China is that way, isn't it?

And LuAnn. LuAnn is still drinking and dreaming, plotting and scheming. She's still wandering her house, running her hands along all the expensive wood, the impressive-looking books she'll never read. She's still sighing with the weight of giving up and moving on so very many times. She's still thinking about Danny. The way he lightly touched her hair, the way he smiled when she smiled, the way he made her feel that love and life was not about giving yourself up for someone else to use. Rather it can be a series of frogleaps. He helps you, you help him, over and over and over again.

Until it's getting dark out and it's time to go inside for dinner, like when she was a little girl. The 50's! she still thinks, alone in the study. The half-life of a century. The whole world spinning into dust, all of us disappearing, forever.

So that's that! Unfortunately I'm on vacation next week, but the wonderful Joshua David Stein will be recapping the finale episode along with, I believe, the premiere of 'New Jersey'! Thanks for reading these silly things. It's been fun!

• Oh no. Kelly Bensimon, the much-beleaguered Real Housewives star, is in trouble again. This time it's not for twinkicide or Nay, Saks! syndrome. No, a former Elle Accessories colleague named Celeste Greenberg is claiming that Bensimon stole her owl pendant idea. The two were supposed to share in the profits for the ugly necklace, but instead Bensimon ran away with the idea and that was that. Bensimon's people claim that Kelly was just being nice to ugly old Celeste by even talking to her or giving her a job. So who's to say. One thing's for sure though. I'll bet Kelly wishes she'd never picked up that phone call from Bravo producers. [GoaG, via P6]
• Dabney Mercer, the poppy-faced 31-year-old sister of bumblebee socialite Tinsley Mortimer, is reportedly dating a 24-year-old financier named Marc Koch. When asked about the pairing, big sis Tinsley nodded, smiled, and said "I haven't been this hungry since the pajama fire." [P6]
• Unlovable spinster sadsack Jennifer Aniston has been spotted cadoodling with her soon-to-be costar, animate slab of Highland lamb meat Gerard Butler. They've been seen snuggling in New York as they prep for The Goree Girls, in which the lonely and often miserable Picture Perfect actress will play a 1940's woman in prison who starts a country western band. Fitting. Whiskey-filled ballads about long lost love and beans. Weeping and farting: Jen's M.O. [NYDN]
• Only a two days after a terrified horse bucked her off its back, the Madonna-witch moves forward with another baby snatching operation. Her adoption appeal in Malawi will be on May 4th. The singer forged in the black, evil smokes of Detroit is hoping to bring 3-year-old Mercy home with her so she can make her famous Clemency Chowder. [Us]
• Meredith Grey is pregnant. McSquirmy? McSquealy? McShitty? [People]
• Kate Hudson had a 30th birthday party and you weren't invited. But Gwyneth Paltrow and Justin Timberlake and Matthew McConaughey and Jessica Alba were. So, actually, not being invited is sort of a good thing. [People]

Image via Getty

• Country singer Keith Urban dumped a huge load of poop at Webster Hall last week. Plus, after the concert, his tour bus driver emptied a massive amount of human waste onto 13th street. When Webster employees went to clean up the mess they were said to be revolted by the thick, soupy sludge of Bewitched DVDs and Australia script pages. [P6]
• Crazy Bai Ling, a participant in some sort of long-running Chinese version of King of Hearts, insists she did not have sex with Mickey Rourke, as has been widely reported. She also informed the press that her house isn't made entirely of balsa wood, just mostly, and that her nipples can, in fact, cause rainstorms. [P6]
• Gary Coleman has made a movie called Midgets vs. Mascots that is, in his own words, "worse than any film school project." Though, he was sure to add, he is still available for most film school projects. [P6]
• Poor, ruined Jennifer Aniston was seen to be all smiles at a recent Paul McCartney concert at Radio City Music Hall. A witness on the scene said of the jilted actress: "She looked really happy. There was a definite glow to her." Sadly that glow was from a healthy cocktail of doctor-prescribed no-more-crying pills and bloody marys drunk out of an old thermos. When she returned to her apartment, Aniston shuffled around the kitchen chain smoking, ashing in the sink, guzzling from a bottle of geverztraminer, weepily mumbling the words to "When I'm 64." [NYDN]
• Gwyneth Paltrow is reportedly terrified of shampoo, thinking that it will give her children autism or cancer. She's so repulsed by the stuff, in fact, that she will only let her kids use it when it is squirted onto their heads from a gigantic tube by a sweaty, wheezing Mario Batali. [NYDN]
• As Real Housewife of New York Kelly Bensimon shuffles around in her babushka, keening and trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered life like she was in some sort of sad, foreign war movie, she's letting some bygones by bygones. She is, for example, no longer feuding with costar Bethenny Frankel: "It was just two girls having conflict. I really don't think anything of it. It's over." She smiled a creaky smile, shakily poured herself another vodka, and added: "Actually I was just approached to star in a film. It's called Two Girls Having Conflict. Except, you know, the last word isn't 'Conflict.'" She sat there, blinking for a while, when a loud whine and rumble seemed to emanate from her face. She laughed bitterly at the reporter's surprise. "Just my tear ducts getting started up." [Us]
• Supposedly Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, two lovers who met at a particularly wild Bryn Mawr mixer one windy Saturday eve, have broken up over Twitter. "Being cheated on does wonders to you. I'm doing this publicly because u&ur friends call People mag," Lindsay somehow manipulated her fingers into typing over the weekend. Then there was just a mash of random keys: ";alksfdj p34u4asld;k..." which was explained a few minutes later in a third and final post, "Sory, fell of sofa. Am under coffee table now. Dusty." [Hollyscoop]
• Prime-cut American Mansteak Tom Brady has gone and married his little sugar cane, Giselle Bundchen. Again. The pair was already wed in California earlier this month, but over the weekend they had another service at Bundchen's family house in Costa Rica. As she stood in her fitted white dress, the ocean breeze making her hair dance softly around her face, the faint lilt of music coming wafting from somewhere down the beach, Brady's ex Bridget Moynahan screwed the silencer onto her pistol. She then retreated into the bushes, and waited... [People]

Image via Splash

• Poor Kelly Bensimon's life is completely over. And so is her costar LuAnn's marriage. A countess no more! Don't worry, though, they still have time for fighting.
• That ShamWow guy who likes to beat up cannibal hookers used to be a Scientologist! Maybe he was friends with the never-silent Greta van Susteren.
• The Real World: Brooklyn came to an end, and so did the careers of many receptionists.
• You can now just go online to chat with anonymous strangers, but if you decide to meet up eventually, and he's married, make sure Google's not driving around taking pictures.
• The new Bruno movie looks funny, too bad it's too gay for anyone to really enjoy.
• This week Gabriel taught us about movie star salaries. Maybe Brittany Murphy gets paid in pots o' gold?
• Peace was declared in the Project Runway feud, but the shouting head wars continue. Won't someone please stop the insanity? Or at least mock it?
• Old bumbling president Barry O. made yet another numbnuts blunder, giving the Queen of England a broken Discman or whatever, that she already had. Let's get Jack Cafferty to smack some sense into him.
• Mark Zuckerberg should quit, Beth Ditto should get some perspective, and the New York Times should stop comparing itself to Darfur.
• Speaking of housewives, you can soon be one of those in Iowa even if you're a lesbian!
• Boston has said "No!" to Jay Leno, and one brave Marylander has said "Absolutely not!" to pornography.
• And then, just this afternoon, we're sad to tell you, we found out that Gawker Media is undergoing yet another consolidation, so most of us are out of a job starting approximately... now.
• April Fools'!