• Andrew Young is testifying in front of a grand jury as to whether or not John Edwards used campaign funds to keep Rielle Hunter quiet, or as the legal categorization would have it, "Baby Mama Hush Slush." [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Chelsea Clinton's wedding on Martha's Vineyard is going to be at Vernon Jordan's estate in late August, as previously reported. We're saving the date and waiting for our invite. We should probably not hold our breathing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mugatu-esque German designer Karl Lagerfeld got some talk-to-the-hand from Heidi Klum's publicist, who says that the German Vogue issue with Klum on the cover (with an apparent 140-page spread inside) sold more issues than any other. None of this matters, because Lagerfeld is still kind of a scary Mugatu-esque asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh noez! Ron Weasley (Muggle name: Rupert Grint) has the Swine Flu. Gawker exclusive: Weasley was taken to Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing of Hogwarts were they tried to use some healing potions to no avail. Then then had to ship him off on the Hogwarts Express back to Central London, where he became just another awesome celebrity case of Swine Flu. He is now better, and has flown back to the set of re-enactment documentary Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Meanwhile, Hermione Granger (Muggle name: Emma Watson) is keeping her relationship with Weasley under wraps as she publicly announces her plans to attend Columbia University in New York, where I will attempt to charm her with my Muggle blogging skills Brown University in Rhode Island, where she will come into contact with a bunch of Jewish Hipsters who she will hate because she didn't go to Columbia, in New York, a far more magical place than Rhode Island. It will probably fail miserably. Also, Harry Potter (Muggle Name: Daniel Radcliffe) won't date Emma Watson because it'd be too weird for them. Good to know the competition is thinning out. [Daily News, Showbiz Spy, Just Jared]
  
  
• Otis! My man! Tobey Maguire's kid has a name, and thy Spider Man spawn's name is Otis. People has the inside dirt on the middle name, too. [People]
  
  
• Rumer WIllis is going to be a lesbian on 90210. I hate that show and thus you will get no elaboration on what's probably a tragically bad, sub-par attempt at Gossip Girl's ingenious stunt casting. I'm sorry Rumer Willis, but you're no Wallace Shawn. You just aren't. [Daily News]
  
  
• Courtney Love trashed her hotel room at The Inn on Irving Place. Have you ever seen The Inn on Irving Place? It's the closest thing downtown has to a Bed and Breakfast. Like, jesus, Courtney Love: trash The Bowery Hotel. Located conveniently near the old CBGB space, you can relive memories of when that kind of thing was cool in bougie style while throwing things off your balcony at legitimately hot celebrities drinking in Bowery's backyard. Trash the Maritime and throw things out of those weird porthole windows. Trash the douche-magnet Hotel Gansevoorte - seriously, people would love that. Trash DeNiro's Greenwich Hotel or SoHo's Mercer Hotel, which were practically constructed for celebrity destruction. But The Inn at Irving? Are you raging a war on cuteness? Also, you know trashing hotel rooms is, like, so 1999 when Scott Weiland, Marilyn Manson, and the rest o your Home for Formerly Addicted Friends from The Crow soundtrack or whatever aren't doing it anymore. Seriously, old lady, put it on ice and chill the fuck out. You're already inches from this as is. [Page Six]
  
  
• There are 210 diamonds on the ring Kevin Jonas gave to his bride-to-be. Even I'm sitting at home with a gallon of ice cream, crying. We can haz inadequacies? There was also a small engagement party none of us were invited to. They went out for Pizza. [People and Pink Is The New Blog]
  
  
• Levi Johnston, shopping a book. I laugh loudly every time I see mention of Tank, his multi-faceted bodyguard/publicist whose name is Tank. He also does birthday parties. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon doesn't want Clooney or Pitt to take home the People's Sexiest Man Alive three-peat. Instead he's lobbying for Hugh Jackman. I'm still lobbying for Robert Gibbs. [People]
  
  
• Kelsey Grammer is already making jokes about the short-lived, massively underrated sitcom Back To You. [Page Six]
  
  
• Taylor Swift used to pick up Sparklers on the wrong end and burn herself as a child. SWOON. She can do no wrong. [People]
  
  
• Lewis Black believes in the power of the word "fuck." He notes that it's essentially a punctuation mark to many New Yorkers. This is one of those things that isn't "funny because it's true" so much as simply being true. The kind of true thing you hear, and you're like, yeah, what of it? [Page Six]

• Bradley Cooper, who cruelly and publicly stuck Jennifer Aniston in the friend zone recently, is probably boning Renee Zellweger right this minute because they were spotted eating together at an Upper East Side restaurant, where they were allegedly really into each other. Zellweger was overheard repeating the line "you're so funny" all night long. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kevin Jonas, the oldest of those little Jonas freaks, is engaged, so we guess he can shed that chastity ring and stop being a big, fat, stupid virgin soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Diane Keaton was rushed to the hospital after—Are you ready for this?—injuring herself in a sumo wrestling match! [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panetierre is appearing totally nude in the movie I Love You Beth Cooper. She says that she's got the goods so she might as well she them off. We agree! [Daily News]
  
  
• David and Victoria Beckham have now been married for a decade. The Daily Mirror has compiled a list of the Beckham's tips for making a celebrity marriage work. [Mirror]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer has fully dumped Topper and has moved on to boning some German aristocrat dude who works for Uma Thurman's boyfriend named Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn. Yawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was kicked out of "the toilets" at a London club after she tried to sneak a girlfriend into a stall with her. A spy notes that Mischa looks as though she was having a "really good time." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In case you haven't already heard, Michael Jackson's will was examined by a court yesterday and he named Diana Ross as the "legal guardian" of his children. His ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, got nothing. [Mirror]
  
  
• A friend of Farrah Fawcett read a farewell letter written by Farrah to her son Redmond and her longtime love Ryan O'Neal that allegedly had everyone bawling. [Daily Mail]

Band member Nick Jonas told Newsbeat: "For us it's cool to see that he recognises we are gentlemen."

...The question is, did Brand misjudge the audience?

Kevin Jonas replied: "I think he focussed on certain things and didn't move off of them. People's attention spans in America need more than that."

We'd crack a joke about Kevin's low estimation of our attention spans, but we already forgot what we were going to say. No matter, as Brand seems to have taken the criticism to heart, according to Rolling Stone's backstage account:

“And I’d like to take this opportunity to say, ‘No one ever have sex again. It’s a mad idea. What a crazy way to spend an evening.’ ” Brand said he had a “lovely time” hosting the awards. “I do think it was a comeback for Britney,” he said. “This is the resurrection of Britney Spears. I saw stigmata. And, I liked when Lil Wayne leaned over and touched my legs. I think he might be from another world and he has a message for us all.” Brand also called Republicans “evil” and suggested “we need to return to socialism.”

While we can't imagine why Brand saved his Socialist jokes until the ceremony was concluded, we feel moved to defend the comedian; without his bluntly political jokes and sexual mockery, the show might as well have aired on the Disney channel. If MTV has to make stars out of clean-cut teens, we'd prefer them to be "not that innocent" and prone to writhing around with big, phallic snakes.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Jonas Brothers react to Brand [BBC]
• Backstage at the VMAs: Britney Basks in Her Wins, Brand Condemns Sex, Linkin Park Rate the Night [Rolling Stone]

But this week's seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group's recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases' impact much more seriously. After all, today's young pop heroes are tomorrow's clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.

I. KNOW YOUR JONASES

(Then there's "bonus Jonas" Frankie (a/k/a "Frank the Tank"), who, at 7 years old, is too young for non-Chosen Blob editorial consideration at Defamer.)

Legend has it Nick was discovered singing at a New Jersey barbershop around the time of his last haircut at age 6. Broadway followed for him and Joe; Nick was signed to Columbia shortly thereafter, at which time they were conveniently bundled for their 2006 debut It's About Time.

II. KNOW THEIR CANON

This week's A Little Bit Longer is the Jonas Brothers' third full-length album and their first to revive a discarded Spinal Tap title. Their preceding albums — It's About Time (2006) and The Jonas Brothers (2007) — each broke the Billboard Top 100, with the latter album peaking at #5. The new one is expected to debut at #1. The brothers have made their biggest impact in the cutthroat genre of Abbreviated Gerund Rock, with the hits "Burnin' Up" and "Pushin' Me Away" each receiving unprecedented download action at iTunes.

Their film and TV work is equally impressive, with their guest-starring breakthrough in Cyrus's Best of Both Worlds concert film opening the door for their monumental musical Camp Rock — the soundtrack to which was another smash. The movies cemented them alongside Cyrus among the Disney Channel's most influential draws. (Nick and Miley's eventual romance was its own drama, but we'll get to that.) A Camp Rock sequel is forthcoming, as are a reality show and concert film based on their current, sold-out, hormonally corrosive concert tour.

III. KNOW THEIR ACCOLADES

The Jonases won six Teen Choice Awards in 2007, including "Choice Summer Song" for "Burnin' Up" and a three-way tie for "Choice Hottie." Critics are falling in line as well, with Rolling Stone offering A Little Bit Longer four stars and esteemed MySpace critic IHeartDjDanger persuasively adding:

"THE WHOLE CD IS AMAZING THOUGH!! after I listened to it, I was like "NOW I'M SPEECHLESS OVER THE EDGE I'M JUST BREATHELESS!" AHH, i ALSO LOVE sHELF!! oooh, and I love the second verse of can't have you sooooooooo much!!! it is so awesome when you repeat the lines all eachoey!!

IV. KNOW THEIR STYLE

Upmarket, overproduced boy-pop cheese, with lots of collars, blazers, denim, ties, fruity scarves, hair products, pitchy vocals and derivative culture riffs, a potent mash perhaps best depicted in this excerpt of their video for "Burnin' Up":

V. KNOW THEIR LOVE LIVES

Love lives? What love lives? The super-wholesome Jonas Brothers, evangelical sons of an ex-pastor, wear purity rings and have vowed abstinence until marriage. Nevertheless, Nick is very publicly the poster child for Disney Channel incest, having had successive relationships with Cyrus and now (allegedly!) Selena Gomez. OMG they are so cuuuuute! Alas, Miley begs to differ. Meanwhile, Joe has been linked to country singer Taylor Swift, with one gossip blogger saying the two retreated to his hotel room last night for Joe's birthday. Ewww gross. Kevin is unofficially connected to slightly downmarket actress/model/vocalist Zoe Myers.

You, too, can date a Jonas by following a few easy steps enumerated by the brothers this week in the estrogen maelstrom that was TRL:

VI. KNOW THEIR EMPIRE

The Jonases reportedly earned a measly $12 million in 2007 — a number certain to spike by the end of 2008 after another ongoing, sold-out tour. They recently closed on a $2.8 million mansion in a gated enclave outside Dallas, with each brother's wardrobe getting its own bedroom and where the boys are safer than ever from temptations such as girls, drugs and actual rock music.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Nick Jonas is a Type-1 diabetic.

· Ali Lohan chose an East Hampton, N.Y., Jonas Bros. concert last weekend to unveil her fantastic new breasts.

· Joe Jonas is literally known to prize his hair above all other worldly possessions.

· Kevin Jonas's favorite food is sushi.

· Nick claims to have written the brothers' hit "S.O.S." in 10 minutes.

· At any given time, as many as 20 people at once are watching "Burnin' Up" on YouTube.

· Their bodyguard Big Rob keeps a blog of his Jonas-protecting exploits and is the guest rapper heard on "Burnin' Up."

Again, we're new to this, so please help us help you by filling in any noteworthy blanks below. The world needs to know.