As Horace Mann is a famous "prep" school, the students are now "preparing" for heated and ridiculous political correctness fights they will have at college.

Apparently, "former SBP and current comedian Scott Rogowsky '03" got a laugh at the assembly by saying the word "bazongas." Which led, naturally, to a wonderful op-ed in The Horace Mann Record by student and Assembly Committee member Leah Byland about how this reveals a misogynist double-standard. We quote: "If I were to bring up 'bazonga' cancer in my biology class, I'd probably be sent out of the room." Yes, well, that's a facile analogy because any rational person would agree that certain expressions are more or less appropriate based on context and audience and also HA HA HA HA "'BAZONGA' CANCER."

In the following issue, well, jeez. There was "Editor's Take: On 'Bazongas'" And then "Editor's Take: On the Editorial." And then a letter to the editor from a member of the English department praising Leah's "inspired outrage" and damning the anonymous editors who dared defend "bazongas." There is also a news story on the whole outrage. It is delightful. From a distance. A great distance.

Hello, editor Nick Gerad:

Moreover, the speech as a whole was deliberately written to be absurd. A large portion of it was dedicated to describing a Freemason-esque secret society of former SBPs that controls major worldwide corporations. Rogowsky spent a significant portion of his stage time describing massive, to-the-death street melees between students and sewer monsters called "grawl dogs."

What? Also, why won't anyone tell us if Charles Stam was involved?

Here's a rundown of some of the more promising names in child-labor media. Some of the names will probably look familiar to you, since these kids are famous. Far more famous than most media hacks. In other words, they're coming for your job, loudly.

The Dating Advice Kid

Name: Alec Greven

Age: 10

Summary: His dating-advice book How To Talk To Girls is supposed to become a movie; he now reportedly plans How To Talk To Moms, How To Talk To Dads, How To Talk To Santa and How To Talk To Grandparents. Original publisher HarperCollins is presumably working with him on all of the followups.

More: Here's video of young Alec.

British Blog Boy Wonder

Name: Scott Campbell

Age: 14

Summary: Started British news website, contributes to BBC and various newspapers

More: Campbell is CEO of Net News Daily; with co-founder and editor-in-chief Nathan Adam, he claims 100,000 unique visitors per month, and has scored freelance gigs with the BBC (left) and writes a regular column for the newspaper First News. Asked earlier this year in a Guardian profile how the economic downturn was affecting his business, he said, "I'm 13, so therefore don't have a lot to lose in the financial crisis."

The Lil' Food Critic

Name: David Fishman

Age: 12

Summary: Aspiring food critic profiled in the New York Times; his Upper West Side New York tablehopping has been optioned by Lorne Michaels for a movie.

More: "As I left, I knew that soon enough this would be one of the most ‘hip' places in the city."

(Image via Rachel Ray)

The Pint-Sized Political Pundit

Name: Jonathan Krohn

Age: 13

Summary: Talk-radio regular and self-published author became a smash hit when he spoke at the CPAC right-wing convention.

More: The home-schooled youth practiced public speaking at Christian Youth Theater plays and calling in to Bill Bennett's radio show. Has appeared on CBS News and Today. His endorsement was sought by a Georgia gubernatorial candidate.

Barack Obama's Journalist 'Homeboy'

Name: Damon Weaver

Age: 11

Summary: A successful quest to interview President Barack Obama made him the talk of cable news.

More: After ending an earlier interview with vice presidential contender Joe Biden with, "Senator Biden is now my homeboy," got permission from Obama to also be the president's "homeboy." Has completed such other White House Press Corps rites of passage as attending the inauguration on a media pass and dissing an MSNBC talking head.

The Teenaged Tech Titan

Name: Daniel Brusilovsky

Age: 16

Summary: Founder and CEO, TeensInTech.com; product evangelist for video-casting service Qik; writer for TechCruch; has 120,000 followers on his "Verified" Twitter account.

More: He's an adviser to at least two companies; his parents used to shuttle him to and from tech conferences; says you should be persistent to reach your goals. More here.

(Pic by Randy Stewart)

Via the AFP, you wanna see kids? They'll show you some kids:

Spain's Socialist government Saturday approved controversial reforms to the country's abortion law which would allow women as young as 16 to undergo the procedure without parental consent. The proposal was passed at a cabinet meeting despite strong opposition from the Roman Catholic Church, the conservative opposition Popular Party and even many supporters of Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero's Socialist Party. The measure now will to go to parliament for approval, Deputy Prime Minister Maria Teresa Fernandez de la Vega told a news conference.

Under the proposed reforms, abortions would be allowed for women of 16 and over on demand up to the 14th week of pregnancy, and up to 22 weeks if there is a risk to the mother's health or if the foetus is deformed. Women can also undergo the procedure after 22 weeks if the foetus has a serious or incurable illness. "We want to offer minors as much protection as possible and the most respect for their basic rights," said de la Vega.

I mean, shit, it's only a phase, and I know, I know: I can only take the Misfits in ten hour doses, too. Reassurance: they'll be hitting you up for the Marc Jacobs bags soon enough. Then again, eh: why not? Two birds, one stone. Now that's policymaking, folks.

According to Zapatero, Spanish law allows him to prevent the Spanish media from running any photographs of his 16 and 13-year-old daughters Laura and Alba. For their privacy, see. And because maybe it would be considered weird for the PM to have goth daughters, but it totally shouldn't be. It is a natural part of life, becoming a teenaged goth.

Click to enlarge this charming family portrait.

Mr. Mayor, what do kids do to each other?

"Kids touch each other, and that's the real world," the mayor said on Tuesday, when asked about the matter. "And I'm not so sure you want a kid that doesn't want to high-five or hug or something. But I won't get involved in that..."

Yes, ok. We can't wait for the confessional Times Magazine piece on how abstaining from air kisses due to the Swine Flu threat caused one New York journalist's deep depression, divorce, and drug abuse. It will cost $500,000 to report.

Some teen stars grow up unscathed by their lifestyle; others have meltdowns, drug/alcohol problems and blame the black kid when caught driving like a crazy person through Hollywood. Is Taylor the latter or the former? It's cool that she has her own band, Pretty Reckless, but is it all too much too soon? Here are five quotes from her interview that make us wonder if she's headed for trouble:

1. Hints she was forced into the spotlight.

I kind of grew up in front of the camera: I started modeling when I was two. I was never pushed into it, but I never really chose it either.

2. Possible attention problems?

I found [high school] kind of boring [She finished two years early]. I'm an artist; I'm not going to use trigonometry.

3. A false (?) sense of maturity.

I'm taking college classes online — I want to major in Language Arts… For most people, college is a place where you learn about yourself, and I feel like I'm doing that already. I'm already independent.

4. A lack of friends.

I have such trust complexes. I'm close to like two people. I've always been like that. People misinterpret what I say all the time: They think I'm being offensive, when really, I'm only being opinionated.

5. She's into older guys.

I'm not dating anyone right now, but I've had lots of relationships. My parents know that I'm not going to date someone who's sixteen. Boys are so much less mature than girls as it is; there's just no way — I would eat a boy my age alive.

On the upside, she really enjoys working on Gossip Girl; says her parents trust her and was turned down for the role of Hannah Montana when she was nine, which means she's never posed draped in a sheet for Vanity Fair. So maybe everything will turn out alright.

Iron Maiden (interview), Taylor Momsen Photos, Video From Photo Shoot [Teen Vogue]

Earlier: Teen Vogue Makes Gossip Girl's Patch-Wearing Little J Pretend To Exercise

"Noah Lindsey Cyrus & Emily Grace Reaves, with Emily's dog Bunny, pose for the cameras at Brittany Curran's Retro 50's Poolside Bash on Saturday, May 30 in Burbank sporting Juicy Couture vintage bathing suits. The two friends filmed an episode of their Noei and Ems Show at the party. So pretty!"

The birthday girl in question — Ms. Curran, an actress — is 19 years old. Why were an eight-year-old and a nine-year-old photographed in swimsuits going to her party? Clearly the goal is to get Noie and Emily — who have their own show on YouTube — publicity, visibility, a fan following and press in the tween mags. (And, as a former editor at a tween mag, I'm sure it worked.) The photo credit on these images is someone named Terri Tex, who happens to be Emily's publicist. (Emily, who was in Hannah Montana: The Movie also has a foundation to promote.) But are there dangers in exposing these young'uns to magazines and gossip websites so early? Here are some comments from ONTD and the source site, Ocean Up:

The observant:

lol i don't even wear that much eyeliner. creeptastic.

The rage-y:

WHY ARE THOSE CHILDREN POSING LIKE THAT?!?!

Also, GET THAT RED BULL OUT OF THAT CHILD'S MOUTH.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE, BE PARENTS TO YOUR CHILDREN.

The living-in-denial:

are these little girls wearing makeup and carrying handbags? seriously? is this a fucking joke?

The apathetic:

what the fuck is this shit, seriously, no one cares about a couple of 7 year olds that will be jaded as fuck in 4 years

The (possibly) creepy:

woah noahs gonna have mileys gooorgeous long legs

The cruel:

the girl on the right has faT THIES.

when they grow up theyre gonna be so stuck up and probs sluts. no offense yeah yeah i know their only like 7 but im just stating the facts

The concerned:

That's disgusting, who lets a nine-year-old wear that much make-up and parade around in a bathing suit while posing like she's on the cover of Sports Illustrated? The only people who would appreciate these pictures are the idiots who put their kids in beauty pageants and pedophiles. Take the red bull away from that girl and send these two to play in the kiddie pool like NORMAL nine-years-olds! I have a nine year old daughter of my own and I just find this sad, thank goodness my child isn't growing up in L.A.

Ah, yes, thank goodness. Because every child who lives in L.A. is required to walk the red carpet barely dressed!

This Is Exactly What You Think It Is ... ISH MILEY'S SISTA [ONTD]
Noah Cyrus AND Emily Grace Reaves JUICY COUTURE Bathing BEAUTIES [Ocean Up]

Is the best part when the students act out hugs as Chris Jansing describes them or is the best part the fact that everyone in America is a retard?

The Times investigates this startling new trend in wanton affection. When will the madness stop?

Girls embracing girls, girls embracing boys, boys embracing each other - the hug has become the favorite social greeting when teenagers meet or part these days.

Cats embracing dogs! Homosexuals embracing your child! And hey, what would a moral panic be without peer pressure, the proof that these are just good kids led astray?

A measure of how rapidly the ritual is spreading is that some students complain of peer pressure to hug to fit in.

Uh oh! But how does our dreadfully over-litigious nanny-state politically correct nation of lawyers fit in to all this?

And schools from Hillsdale, N.J., to Bend, Ore., wary in a litigious era about sexual harassment or improper touching - or citing hallway clogging and late arrivals to class - have banned hugging or imposed a three-second rule.

A three-second rule! Like your bro is a mere Jolly Rancher dropped in a hallway!

Ok we are not even going to get into the armchair sociology of it (organized play dates are to blame!) or the pop culture culprits (MTV invented the "bromance"!). No, this article is too stupid and anecdotal and pointless even to continue mocking. Those are all the hallmarks of a classic teenage moral panic story, but this is about hugging.

Not Pharm Parties! Or "Fruit Salad Parties"! Or those magical evenings we all remember from our school days when the ladies would apply all manner of fancy lipsticks and fellate our peers in sequence. The fun we had! Well apparently Oprah ruined that for everyone and today's teens are just grabbing each other in hallways like fucking Italians or something.

Basically every paragraph of this "story" in support of a slideshow has at least one sentence that makes you want to punch the world in the mouth.

Whether it's expanding the family business or striking out independently, launching a career in the arts or plunging into philanthropy, the 38 heirs and heiresses to fabled names and consequential fortunes in this portfolio seem determined to make a contribution to society at large while carving out identities of their own.

And

Dasha Zhukova, who founded the Garage Center for Contemporary Culture, in Moscow, and is editor in chief of Pop magazine. Why would the daughter of an oligarch who is dating an even bigger oligarch give up a life of leisure to work so hard? "I still have a life of leisure," she says. "I don't see it as sacrificing."

She is at least realistic enough to correct VF on the misconception that being editor in chief of POP magazine constitutes "hard word!"

Oh, and hey:

"I always thought, Will I go into the business or will I not go into the business?" says Jared Kushner, son of New Jersey real-estate magnate Charles Kushner, who spent nearly a year in prison on charges including tax evasion. "But when my father got arrested, I really didn't have a choice. I was the oldest son, and it was something that had to be done." Although he was in the process of getting graduate degrees in business and law, he found time to buy The New York Observer on the side, and as publisher has seen monthly traffic on the paper's Web site increase from 400,000 to 1.4 million.

Hah, and then he fired the cleaning lady. Giving back!

Though maybe we shouldn't make fun. Look how depressed Tatiana Santo Domingo, Bianca Brandolini d'Adda, Margherita Maccapani Missoni, and Alexia Niedzielski look! Being heiresses looks miserable.

Hah, no, we're not. No, instead NYM is just exposing this kid—who goes by "Maximilian" of course—to the ridicule and vitriol of people like us, who decorated their own dorm room with empty whiskey bottles and cigarette ash.

This kid, though! He is going places! Really terrible places!

Maxamilian, voted "preppiest in class" at Choate, "has a sincere love for Stubbs & Wootton slipper shoes and melon-colored pants."

Look at everything about this paragraph!

When other 15-year-olds were going to lacrosse camp, Sinsteden worked for David Easton, a neoclassical decorator in the Albert Hadley/Bunny Williams school. After his first year of college, he interned for Moss and still works for her one day a week. "I finish her sentences," he says. "And she reads my mind."

No, New York. That is not what "other 15-year-olds" were doing. Other 15-year-olds were playing Xbox and texting lewd photos of themselves to one another and getting high and maybe working at the ice cream stand at the park. Also, Maxy, anyone can read your mind. Your mind is a 30-year-old novelty book. Look, we're reading your mind right now: "I'm a tool."

Still, we cannot fault his one gesture toward the sacred duty of a guy not to be THAT fucking guy:

It's not unusual to find twenty friends crammed into Sinsteden's room, enjoying the contents of his well-stocked bar.

Ah, college. Anyone with liquor or drugs is tolerable for a night!

Make sure to check out the slideshow! It features this immortal phrase: "The tie-backs are repurposed ascots."

Coachella! What is it, and why? It is like Burning Man for rich college kids who read Stereogum, maybe? We don't know. We don't get the kids these days. But it looks like everyone had a lot of absurdly expensive fun.

What a whimsical wonderland of hippie bullshit. ["coachella 2009 by bunnicula, on Flickr"]

M.I.A.'s light-up pants get a "pure ridiculousness" pass from us, actually. ["M.I.A. Ready To Pounce @ Coachella 2009 by Mick Ø, on Flickr"]

Pizza box-wearing "Frankie says KILL" bro here, though, gets no such pass. ["IMG_6989 by self-titledmag, on Flickr"]

We are pretty sure these are either "The Ting Tings" or "The Vivian Girls." ["IMG_4809 by youngthousands, on Flickr"]

Oh, look, the Girl Talk performance looked like the cold open of a CSI: Miami episode, right before a club-goer is MURDERED. ["Girl Talk balloon drop by vonlohmann, on Flickr"]

This is "Crazy Flag Guy at Peter Bjorn & John by Mick Ø, and maybe thinks "Peter," "Bjorn," and "John" are Mexican names? ["Crazy Flag Guy at Peter Bjorn & John @ Coachella 2009 by Mick Ø, on Flickr]

What is even stupider here is that the cart came with a little sign about how their tasteless, already out-of-date joke runs on ethanol. Along with a list of the "pros" and "cons" of using ethanol for your lame jokey art project. ["Amy Winehouse Ethanol Golf Cart by bunnicula, on Flickr"]

Oh, dude, you are wearing a damn Ozzfest shirt to this shit? What happened, did your BALLS FALL OFF last year? ["coachella ts by bunnicula, on Flickr"]

Whoo! ["Amanda Palmer - Coachella 2009 Day 2 by vonlohmann, on Flickr"]

Well, Jonah Hill's into it. ["IMG_6871 by self-titledmag, on Flickr"]

Tragically, on the last night, the entire festival was forcefully invaded and occupied by the combined forces of a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Concert and a post-Janet Super Bowl halftime show. ["Paul McCartney @ Coachella 2009 by faithx5, on Flickr"]

You know, it's hard to believe Rudy's anti-gay marriage statements are that heartfelt when he releases pictures like these from his family vacations. [IMG_3960.JPG by IceCreamMan, on Flickr">]

"I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE TAKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY SERIOUSLY EITHER?" ["henry rollins by joshc, on Flickr"]

Vice, "Look at this Fucking Hipster," and Hipster Runoff are having a race, right now, to humiliate these girls with a funny caption while jerking off. ["IMG_6747 by self-titledmag, on Flickr"]

Look out, Freak Folkers: there are black people dangerously close to being onstage! ["Devendra Banhart - Coachella 2009 by vonlohmann, on Flickr"]

Whimsy! ["do lab by joshc, on Flickr"]

What? What on the dance floor? "OINLB"? ["IMG_3890.JPG by IceCreamMan, on Flickr"]

Is it Antony, Robert Smith, or Meatloaf starring in Beetlejuice: The Musical? ["The Cure — Coachella 2009 by vonlohmann, on Flickr"]

Ans: It is sad. ["the cure — robert smith by joshc, on Flickr"]

Oh, good, we were wondering where the art is. ["Coachella 2009 Art Map by vonlohmann, on Flickr"]

Still not very awesome. ["Hand of Man - Coachella 2009 by vonlohmann, on Flickr"]

"GINVS." It's "GINVS" on the dance floor. ["IMG_3889.JPG by IceCreamMan, on Flickr]

And then an awesome, natty old man showed up to play that song from the Watchmen sex scene. ["Leonard Cohen by vonlohmann, on Flickr"]

Right. Duh. Where the hell have you been? Oh, right, an old rich white lady liberal cocoon.

But, you know, just because they use "fag" as a pejorative term meaning "demonstrating traditionally feminine qualities like showing emotion" it is still not really very accurate to write this sentence:

Being called a "fag," you see, actually has almost nothing to do with being gay.

In the sense that the word thrown at plenty of kids who are not gay, then yes, sure, but it is still the act of calling someone gay, as an insult, that you are talking about, here.

Anyway, kids, stop being such lame homos to each other, all the time.

"Bristol did not even know Levi was going on the show. We're disappointed that Levi and his family, in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship," says the statement from the Palin family rep, Meghan Stapleton.

Just a reminder: that is a statement from Sarah Palin's family's flack, not from someone with maybe a leg to stand on re. "flat-out lies" and "gross exaggeration" in the service of "a quest for fame, attention, and fortune."

So, yeah. Levi Johnston was just some regular dumb kid from in a shitty town, and then he knocked up his girlfriend, and because his girlfriend's mom was running for vice president as a family values conservative, he had to pretend he wanted to marry this girl, and he was dressed up in a monkey suit and paraded before the nation as an exemplar of traditional heartland values like "terrible life-altering accidents stemming from lack of proper sex education (and also, you know, being a dumb teenager— it happens, but usually you can do something about it unless national politics are involved)."

Then they lost the election, and because the Palins thought this Levi kid and his family were white trash, the sham marriage was (thank god) called off, quietly, and Levi was invited to go be on a TV show to talk about the whole thing, and on this TV show he said some reasonable things about how Sarah Palin probably knew he was fucking her daughter, because "Moms are pretty smart," and apparently that is a GROSS DISTORTION.

Hooray for this wonderful story of two star-crossed kids in love, right?

And who can blame her? The entire business world has been revealed as hopelessly corrupt, so why not write our hopes on the blank slate of a child? He's like Alex from Family Ties, but even cutuer!

Leuellen is promising, too, in his aspirations of actually doing something productive with his life. Look at his peers' career dreams: becoming the next Bill O'Reilly, a conservative talking head, or a home-schooled right-wing book author.

And he'll maybe replace William Kristol as the New York Times house conservative in the meantime. We're just guessing.

Here's a quick rundown of young Krohn's life thus far, courtesy a Times Sunday Styles piece:

• Home schooled.
• He is studying Arabic. (??!?!?!)
  
• Is way more political than either of his parents, though they are conservatives as well.
  
• Started calling into conservative radio host Bill Bennett's "Morning in America" show six years ago, after he learned the concept of a U.S. Senate "filibuster" and became obsessed with politics. Was a hit with listeners.
• Appeared in 20-30 Christian Youth Theater plays and regional shows, honing the voice delivery skills that served him so well at the CPAC conservative convention, but says his "acting career" is now over.
• Wrote a book to explain conservatism to laymen, and self published it.
• Self-published using "his own savings, earned from writing and performing on a syndicated radio Bible show for children."
  
• Is working on the book's second edition.
  
• Georgia gubernatorial candidates are already seeking meetings, and presumably his endorsement. (Well, one is. But once the others catch wind...)
• Is media-savvy enough to give the Times this zinger to end on: "His voice rising to a wobbly squeak, he grabs any opening to press the cause. 'Barack Obama is the most left-wing president in my lifetime,' he said.' Mr. Krohn buried his face in his hands. 'Oh, Jonathan,' he sighed.

The left's only hope to keep this kid from doing Something Big is to offer him a good scholarship to a left-leaning school and try to flip him. Or to pray (to its pagan secular God(s)) that such a conversion becomes inevitable as the teenagers' mental capacity continues increasing at an exponential rate.

But we can acknowledge the important details: these poor kids mean well. NYU should do a good half of the things in their hilariously wide-ranging list of demands. And these rich dolts were all born into spiritually empty, culture-less, rootless early-21st century American upper-middle class. They can't help that. Had things been a little different, they'd be the midwestern paralegal who writes Hipster Runoff. But no, they went to college. At NYU!

And once you realize your life is destructive and bad and You Are Part of the Problem (forking over how much money to some prick like John Sexton so you can get a useless degree and spend a couple years fucking around with casual sex and cocaine? why not drop out and become a blogger!), well, you either just keep studying sociology with the cute-but-socially maladjusted daughter of the guy from Warrant and bitch darkly about how much you hate these losers or you Rise Up.

So you attempt to assert control and make some positive change to what you know and can conceivably handle—and if you're these kids, you do it like an asshole, with a nonsensical list of utopian goals that'd make an ANSWR organizer blush. (Gaza needs overhead projectors!) Anyone with any sense in their damn heads knows New York University is Not the Enemy, or at least not the enemy of Gaza and The Working Man. It's the enemy of New York, in a kinda blinkered nostalgic sense, but their demands, oddly, do not include "stop fucking with Washington Square and give back all your real estate to people who actually want to live here for serious and maybe re-open The Bottom Line."

It is a ridiculous Ponzi scheme, the tuitions at NYU that rise to bizarre and unconscionable levels, the paltry financial aid, and the adjunct wage-slaves, but the costs rise due to demand and the demand in this case is that all you little idiot Trotskyites wanted to go to the same school as fucking Felicity. (And hey, at least when New School kids have sit-ins they're protesting an actual war criminal.)

And while student activism in decades past was at least defensible as going after one pillar of establishment power, academia in 2009 is just a finishing school for rich kids and a playground for people who'd really like to spend their professional careers wrestling with the least important but most dramatic office politics in the world, so they can someday net that $300k salary and the reduced mortgage, only to get shit on by Politco and the rest of the world for making a living with their book-learnin' elitism.

So our advice to these kids is to go have a fucking cigarette and then Drop Out. Tell your parents to put the tuition money in a trust fund so you can continue living the life to which you were born accustomed as you volunteer to build some fucking houses somewhere, and then when that runs out why not get your degree at CUNY or something so you can sleep better at night.

Ganz has publicly questioned the campaign for not conducting a more open deliberation over how to sustain the network, which grew and thrived in part on open dialogue and online social networking.

"Is this really what 'building on the movement to elect Barack Obama' is going to look like?" Ganz asked. "I can't believe this was put out by the same people who trained organizers in how to do house meetings in the campaign over the past two years."

Hah, but this is the problem with a huge fake-grassroots campaign based on the extraordinary qualities of an individual and not a cause or ideology! Unless Obama does decide to actually become a dictator or cult leader, it will be more or less impossible to harness the energy of all these millions of kids for any purpose, because none of them agree on what needs to be done beyond electing Obama, which they did. So... why don't they all volunteer for the Humane Society then?

As we said, The Onion covered it:

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Photo: Getty