However, he's still the world's meanest grandpa, so feel free to call him a "model of dynastic restraint" if you like.

[Pic: Ethan Miller/ Getty Images
Pic2: Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation]

Via the AFP, you wanna see kids? They'll show you some kids:

Spain's Socialist government Saturday approved controversial reforms to the country's abortion law which would allow women as young as 16 to undergo the procedure without parental consent. The proposal was passed at a cabinet meeting despite strong opposition from the Roman Catholic Church, the conservative opposition Popular Party and even many supporters of Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero's Socialist Party. The measure now will to go to parliament for approval, Deputy Prime Minister Maria Teresa Fernandez de la Vega told a news conference.

Under the proposed reforms, abortions would be allowed for women of 16 and over on demand up to the 14th week of pregnancy, and up to 22 weeks if there is a risk to the mother's health or if the foetus is deformed. Women can also undergo the procedure after 22 weeks if the foetus has a serious or incurable illness. "We want to offer minors as much protection as possible and the most respect for their basic rights," said de la Vega.

I mean, shit, it's only a phase, and I know, I know: I can only take the Misfits in ten hour doses, too. Reassurance: they'll be hitting you up for the Marc Jacobs bags soon enough. Then again, eh: why not? Two birds, one stone. Now that's policymaking, folks.

According to Zapatero, Spanish law allows him to prevent the Spanish media from running any photographs of his 16 and 13-year-old daughters Laura and Alba. For their privacy, see. And because maybe it would be considered weird for the PM to have goth daughters, but it totally shouldn't be. It is a natural part of life, becoming a teenaged goth.

Click to enlarge this charming family portrait.

Yes, America is being overrun by the unclothed children of "progressive" parents. What's wrong with these people, these surely-communist progenitors acting as benelovent pacifists to tyrannical children who obviously can't control their sick, carnal desires to run around in their naked flesh? Are they, the parents, simply incapable of screaming "Put on some Goddamn clothes Pancho!" in the general direction of their little hedonistic snot-monsters? Don't they know that the olds of America simply aren't capable of handling such assaults to their delicate senses, or do they just not care?

Rachel Sarah, 36, a writer and mother in East Bay, Calif., said that until her 9-year-old daughter, Mae, turned 7, she liked to wear only a T-shirt in the summer, a preference that Ms. Sarah found healthy, but that Mae's grandparents could not accept. "My mom and stepfather were very insistent on her having clothes on for everything," Ms. Sarah said.

Although most days Mae ran half-dressed through the sprinkler or played with friends under a hose, she had to accept different rules when her grandparents were around. "Their view, I would say, is that little girls need to have their clothes on unless they're taking a bath," Ms. Sarah said.

And who could possibly be even more traumatized by the exposed nether bits of spoiled moppets than the olds? The gays, naturally!

Kevin Allen, 45, who used to work as a personal shopper, still recalls with horror the afternoon more than a decade ago when he was at a client's house, and the woman's two young granddaughters came into the room and began changing outfits.

"I was extremely uncomfortable," said Mr. Allen, who estimates the girls were 5 and 6. "I know the grandmother well, but I didn't know the children."

When asked to reflect on the source of his discomfort, Mr. Allen, who is gay, said he feared the situation could all too easily be misinterpreted. "Being gay, you're already thought of as a pervert by some people," he said. "If you look the wrong way at them or something like that, people are going to think you're having some kind of lascivious thought. So it's kind of not appropriate even in your own house. When other people are around, you should have modesty."

You see, the youngs have converted the olds into accepting this horseshit and now the olds are terrorizing the gays with their naked grandchildren. Good God this must be stopped! Bill O'Reilly, do something man!

Why Do They Need A Fig Leaf [New York Times]

America is inexplicably fascinated with these child-rearing maniacs—a brood of kids, an unhappy marriage, what could be better to watch? I can think of literally thousands of things, but that's not the point. The point is that these people's "dramatic" lives make Americans buy gossip magazines, meaning that an entire bloodsucking industry (ours, more or less) now depends on these two purely random walking warnings against fertility drugs. The possible outcomes of tonight's show, ranked from least appealing for gossip mags to most appealing:

1. Divorce—it would be a big story for a week, at most, then die out. These people would gradually be forgotten and maybe their kids could grow up in peace. That doesn't move magazines.

2. They made up! They're staying together!—This would be good for a few weeks of crap—the original stories, then the follow ups on "How they did it," etc., and updates on how it's going for as many weeks or months as the public's interest would bear. Which wouldn't be all that many because, let's face it, happiness doesn't sell. (This was the winning guess in our poll last week, btw).

3. Separation, followed by endless rounds of reconciliation, spats, and counseling—This is the gold mine. It's an entire season's worth of marital drama all by itself. It drags everything out. It offers no easy resolution, just more arguments and paid. Which are television gold! This is what Bonnie Fuller thinks will happen, and she is an expert on momentary celebrity and its discontents.

So you all watch tonight and see what happens and talk to Richard, not me, about it, please lord.

As any good editor will tell you, a "slow news day" is never a good excuse for any kind of slacking it, hacking it, or general tomfoolery. Bill O'Reilly sure knows this rule good and true! So: How better to fuck up everyone's fairly nice Friday evening than by trying to humiliate a parent who had fun with his kid?

Background: this kid went to the dentist and got wasted on some nitrous. His dad buckled him in the backseat and interviewed him, and it got 22 million YouTube hits (not a joke). The entire thing is hysterical, except, not to the morally outraged.

Bill got a little "queasy" himself towards the end there, as you can see. Little does he know that "David After Dentist" is becoming a full-on fashion trend, and soon, drugged-out, gassed-up post-dental-op zombies are going to be roaming the earth, killing, stealing, and raping for their next huff of the can't-get-enough. And they will all be taking! Video! Of it! The revolution will be televised! Except not, because these are just people who left the dentist, being cute, and you're just a guy who has never had a day of fun in his entire life. Or a good laughing gas high.

By the way, the 'David' in 'David After Dentist' is fine, and looks to be growing up like a fairly normal, hyperactive tween, as evidenced by the sober cuteness here. I'm sure his babysitters hate him.

Larry Sr. trotted out Larry Jr. on his show this week, and said that he didn't meet his son until his son was 33 years old—despite the following clues that his son existed:

• He was married to the kid's mother.
• "She told me if it's a boy, I'm gonna name him Larry King Jr."
• "I knew there was a Larry King Jr. out there."
• If you think really hard, the name itself is a clue: Larry King Jr.

Sure, 9/11 happened a thousand miles away from Albert Lea, Minnesota, and the town is in no danger of a terrorist attack, but fires and floods happen everywhere, and it is good to help children deal with them. It is even better to help the children with a dark and unintentionally hilarious pamphlet of misery and apocalyptic doom.

The vagueness of referring exclusively to an unspecified incident—"the disaster"—lends the proceedings an especially ominous tone. "Draw a picture of yourself before the disaster" is practically a late Leonard Cohen lyric. This book is the best. "You might think you made the disaster happen, but you didn't." Cormac McCarthy and P. D. Eastman entered a room and only this book came out.

This little tableau is called "The Mediated Life," or "An Evening At Dick Cheney's House."

Sadly some people (FEMA) didn't enjoy this book and it has been taken down from their website.

They just give those awards out to anyone these days.


Color your entire life as you know it washing away!



Color God's Wrath at Iowa's Supreme Court.

Not lying: we would buy a print of this page.

Sure, it's a blow to a guy's ego to go from being a big shot at a Fortune 500 company to just another Mr. Mom. But at least the Mrs. Moms now have some men around whip the Westchester kiddie world into business shape:

The new prevalence of fathers around town is bittersweet for mothers, teachers and others. On the one hand, the PTA can use all the help it can get from men with financial expertise at a time when the proposed school budget is under enormous pressure.

...but on the other hand, go make me a sandwich! Need more proof of an upside here? Imagine how moms do things with the kids: cuddly, all out of order. Now, witness a laid off exec dad in serious family mode:

He laid out the children's 4 p.m. snack of dried crispy apples and Goldfish crackers.

His wife leaves at 8:30 a.m. and returns around 6:30 p.m., so Mr. Emery typically makes dinner for the children - that night, tofu with broccoli and macaroni and cheese.

But first he organized one of their favorite games, "Tickle Monster," chasing the children until he catches one and tickles unmercifully. "O.K., guys, if we're going to do this tickle thing you gotta have some shoes on your feet," he said.

It's not just a Tickle Monster game; it's an opportunity to learn about foot hygiene. Always thinking. Always teaching. Always progressing towards competitive excellence. I think these guys are gonna be just fine.
[NYT]

News of the World set up the sting on Rubina's father, and its story said he was ready and willing to sell his daughter to what he thought was a wealthy Middle Eastern family. But the dad, Rafiq Qureshi, says he wasn't being serious:

Qureshi tells PEOPLE that there had been an offer but insisted that he had feigned interest out of politeness and a reluctance to appear cold and unfriendly. He said, "In India, you never say 'no' directly, least of all to guests. You try not to offend people by refusing to help. They said they were childless and desperately fond of Rubina after seeing her in the film. I felt sorry for them, but I was never going to give her up."

He also told the Times of India "The voice (asking for money) in the video is not mine. It is a conspiracy to take my girl from me. My former wife Khurshid is involved." Some family members back him up, and Rubina herself does too—she told People "I will never give any foreign journalist an interview again."

Smart girl! But there doesn't seem to be any rock solid proof either way yet. News of the World has excerpts of a video of the meeting, but without sound. The Indian police are reportedly "anxious" to obtain the full video, though, and if they do then presumably this whole thing can be settled.

In any case we can all agree that you shouldn't sell your kid.

We must start out with the most important development of all: dolphins have joined humanity in the fight against piracy:

Thousands of dolphins blocked the suspected Somali pirate ships when they were trying to attack Chinese merchant ships passing the Gulf of Aden, the China Radio International reported on Monday.

The Chinese merchant ships escorted by a China's fleet sailed on the Gulf of Aden when they met some suspected pirate ships. Thousands of dolphins suddenly leaped out of water between pirates and merchants when the pirate ships headed for the China's.

The suspected pirates ships stopped and then turned away. The pirates could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins. The spectacular scene continued for a while.

It's about time these marine mammals got off the sidelines! In somewhat more depressing news: the three pirates killed by HERO NAVY SEAL SNIPERS who fired the three most accurate shots in the history of war (SPECIAL SECTION: Navy SEAL Snipers and How Accurate Their Three Shots Were, P. 14-32) turned out to be teenagers. They were all from 17-19 years old. Jesus Christ. Also they were all grumpy and irritable like you, when you're out of cigarettes:

As they bobbed in the ocean near the USS Bainbridge, a Navy destroyer sent to rescue Phillips, the teenage pirates were experiencing withdrawal after days without khat, a mildly narcotic leaf chewed in for its stimulant effects. "They were realizing they were in a no-win situation," said a senior U.S. military official. "They were floating around in rough waters, they were tired. . . . These guys didn't have their chew with them."

Even people going in front of a firing squad usually get a last cigarette. That's just sad. In the meantime, three more ships were attacked by pirates. And since Somali Pirates are a monolithic group in constant communication with one another this means they are PROVOKING America, time for war war war war war. War on Piracy. We can model it on the War on Terror. It'll be a weary nation's great ego-booster!

Rebecca Chapman was teaching her kids about rapacious capitalism and its miscontents by getting them all mad about AIG's excesses, but then, as good teachers do, she turned the tables:

"What if you were an AIG employee?" she asked. Imagine if you had not been involved in the deals that ruined the company but were left to clean up the mess. What if you had to pay back money you felt you had earned? What if your family had received death threats?

One boy raised his hand.

"Can we write them and let them know that it's going to be okay?" asked the boy, who clearly doesn't have a 401(k).

Oh Christ, obviously the correct answer to that is "NO you may not, what are you, a Republican?" But this was in Texas, so they let the kids do it, and it was literally the only good thing that happened to AIG this entire year so far:

"There were more than a few moist eyes and tight throats," employee Patrick O'Neill wrote back to the class. "To have reached out to us in such a heartfelt way is really a testament to your individual and collective humanity."

Gerry Pasciucco, the current leader of AIG-FP, also wrote to say that the gesture had deeply touched his battered staff. He signed off with a simple message:

"Fourth graders rule!"

In a movie the world would now hug AIG and we'd all move forward as friends, but in the real world this just causes people to seethe in populist anger more. Where are the letters to the poors?

Edwina Pearce, a spokeswoman for the Cancer Council Victoria, which produced the ad in Australia, said the boy, whom she identified only as Alexander, shed real tears.

"We didn't do anything dastardly to make him cry. He did get upset, but it was about a 10-second period that he was upset for and then his mother came back and gave him a big cuddle and everything was happy again."

Sure, the anti-smoking forces say the "ends justify the means," but what if smacking the kid around would stop 100 people from smoking, or barbecuing the kid on a spit would stop 1000 people from smoking? Let's just leave the kids out of the fight altogether, shall we?

The real problem is there aren't even any cigarettes in the ad. Idea: Kid forced to smoke a whole carton of Marlboros, live on tape? [NYDN]

Yes, wee Jonathan Krohn, who we're told is now 14 but who still looks about 11, was interviewed by Al Roker, who, weirdly, was using his "serious tone" and not his "genial joker" tone, even though he was actually asking a child serious policy questions, or something. It is still creepy and kinda sad.

And then David Gregory was there, and they all said Krohn should be on Meet the Press, and Krohn responded with heartbreaking, cinge-inducing nervous laughter, and ha ha ha :(

Krohn, 14, recently spoke at the Conservative Political Action Conference, to rousing applause and adulation.

"From now on I am going to be known as a political analyst and not just a kid," the author of the self-published "Define Conservatism" told Schieffer.

And that is the most :( sentence we've read this week.

One of many important differences between our modern, enlightened society and the more brutish world of generations past is that we allow (and force) children to be, well, children.

Of course it was the Victorians who invented this idyllic state and their vision of it depended on myth and privilege, but America democratized the notion and (eventually) kicked the kids out of the factories.

You know those old paintings where children are depicted as freakish, disproportionate tiny adults? There is a very good reason that looks "wrong" to modern eyes. It is why there are few things sadder and creepier to that modern eye than seeing a child act in a non-childlike fashion, be he a soldier or pageant contestant.

There can be arguments about how much agency children should be allowed, but societally it's unacceptable to say anyone pre-pubescent has the rational capability or emotional maturity to make decisions for themselves about participation in sex, war, labor, mind-altering substances, the electoral process, or even schooling. Which is why a kid who has sex or goes to war or works in a factory is acknowledged to have been forced to do this, even if, when you ask the kid, they may say it was their idea, or that they enjoy it. Childhood is a social construct, but it's one of the cornerstones of our western society.

Now Jonathan Krohn is 14, but he was 13 when he spoke at CPAC, and he's been at this shit—self-publishing books and writing political radio programs and generally hustling and speaking in freakishly complete sentences holding forth on the tenets of conservativism—for some time.

We were a precocious, precious, well-spoken and bright young liberal atheist ourself at that age, but our parents didn't put us in a monkey suit and send us to TV studios. We just wrote funny plays and stories, at school, and desperately tried to find a social group and get girls to like us, at school. No one groomed us for radio appearances or televised speeches, they just encouraged us to continue our education until we could come to an adult decision, aided by maturity and schooling, about what the hell we wanted to do with our political beliefs and readings and sense of humor (haha sorry that didn't work out too well, mom).

So young Jonathan Krohn is "creepy" in the same way this poor fucking girl is creepy, in the way it always is when fundamentalists groom young perfect embodiments of their fucked-up ideals. It was creepy when that guy got a bunch of kids to sing a hymn to Obama, too, but the Democrats didn't invite those kids to sing at the White House. Because most liberals we know were fucking creeped out by them as much as conservatives were, and we'd hope more reasonable conservatives would be calling for Jonathan to go home and read and learn and fucking play for a few years before making his next public appearance.

Why is demonstrating how well you trained a child to parrot bullshit a coherent or convincing argument for your political philosophy? What planet are you on?